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My girlfriend or my friends?

  1. Nov 18, 2012 #1
    I feel really ridiculous asking for help online like this, but I don't have anyone to ask whose position is impartial, and so I'm turning to you guys.

    I've been in a solid relationship for a little bit over a year now; I love my girlfriend, and she loves me. But over the last several months she has been getting sadder and madder at me with increasing frequency, and that has all hit me at once. Her anger stems from the fact that I have become very close friends with a number of girls who used to be best friends with my girlfriend. I first began spending time with them while I was with my girlfriend, but over the last year my girlfriend stopped hanging out with them, whereas I began spending time with them more and more - I really connected with them.

    In a word, she feels jealous about the situation. She doesn't like that her ex-best friends and I are becoming best friends, and it doesn't help that there are (untrue) rumors circulating about me and one of these friends having an affair (sounds silly because we're in high school).

    My girlfriend has given me an ultimatum to either break up with her or stop being friends with these people. I said I'd stop being friends with them because I didn't want our relationship to end, which is true, but I'm very hesitant about that decision. These girls with whom I've recently become friends with are some of the coolest people I know and I relate to them as much as if not more than any of my previous friends.

    If I stay with my girlfriend, in order to make her happy I'll have to stop being friends (sever all contact, essentially) with a group of people I've become very close with. It's been made clear to me that there is no other option.

    I just don't know whether or not I can do it. I'd love some input, and thanks very much for listening to me.
     
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  3. Nov 18, 2012 #2

    Pengwuino

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    Oh gawd, high schoolers.
     
  4. Nov 18, 2012 #3

    micromass

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    Of course, we can only hear your side of the story. I'm sure your girlfriend has a different view.

    But it seems to me that she has a jealousy problem. It's not that I don't understand her. It's not fun to hear rumors about your boyfriend cheating on you. And I can also understand that she doesn't like you hanging around with female friends. How would you feel if she hung around male friends all the time? You would have to be very steadfast not to care about it. Again, I'm not saying she is right, but I'm just saying that I understand her.

    In any case, I don't think it is ok for your girlfriend to dictate who your friends can or can not be. That doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all. You might give in to her now, but who says she isn't going to keep making those demands?? You don't want that kind of relationship and you should make that clear to her.
     
  5. Nov 18, 2012 #4
    If there was a poll like
    - Dump her
    - Dump friends
    - Need further analysis of the situation
    - High schoolers

    I would have voted for dump her :smile:
     
  6. Nov 18, 2012 #5
    If only things were that simple :smile:

    I know that is probably the best choice of action, it's just such a hard thing to do, especially when I still have feelings for her.

    Thanks everyone :)
     
  7. Nov 18, 2012 #6

    lisab

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    Your situation is familiar to me! I'm much, much more comfortable with male friends, probably because I grew up with 7 brothers (seriously). So even in my adult life, most of my friends are guys. This has caused issues in the past with jealousy.

    I take a hard line on this, though: don't dump your friends, whatever you do. They're much harder to find than lovers.
     
  8. Nov 18, 2012 #7
    I've been there, only on the other side. It's kind of hopeless...I was terribly insecure, but didn't want to appear so by demanding that he drop the friends. Not that it helped, I couldn't control myself and would lash out over all kinds of things until it simply got too much for him.
    It makes me immensely sad now that I treated such a great guy that way. But the point here is that there was nothing he could do to make it better. It was something I had to deal with myself. And it was losing him that made me see the truth about myself.
     
  9. Nov 18, 2012 #8
    Thanks everyone.

    I think I've just made up my mind, thank god there is a relationship forum on the internet that isn't filled with teenage girls (no offense, teenage girls).
     
  10. Nov 18, 2012 #9

    micromass

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    It's not that I'm overly curious. But what are you going to do??
     
  11. Nov 18, 2012 #10
    I'm going to tell her that I won't stop being friends with these people in question. And that if she can learn to get over her jealously then we can stay together. But if she can't, then I won't be in a relationship where one of us is consistently sad.
     
  12. Nov 18, 2012 #11

    micromass

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    That seems like a wise decision! If she can't trust you, then there can't be a relationship.
     
  13. Nov 19, 2012 #12

    Ibix

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    Choosing to call her bluff is probably the wiser of the two choices that she's presented you. However, this isn't poker - you can put your cards on the table and then make your decision.

    Given that you have decided to walk rather than stop seeing the friends, you lose nothing by demanding clear, honest reasons why you should stop seeing them. Tell her that anything she tells you is in confidence, whatever happens between you - and keep that promise.

    Off the top of my head "they told me I shouldn't go out with you and dumped me when I chose you over them; I suspect they're playing you off against me" might make me think twice, and not a lot else (it's possible I'm over-dramatising). In particular, if she cites the rumours then I would give my word they weren't true, then walk if she wouldn't accept that - she doesn't trust you and you cannot prove a negative.

    Basically, a lot of relationships die from a lack of honest communication. If you can communicate to her that you do not understand the reasoning behind her ultimatum, she can choose to explain or not. If she can't communicate the why of something important enough to her to be gambling your relationship on, there's no hope for the relationship. If she can, it's possible you can come to a joint understanding.

    Give her a chance to give herself a fair hearing, listen, then negotiate. Good luck.
     
  14. Nov 19, 2012 #13

    WannabeNewton

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    Lol dude it's high school just dump her and move on to the next one.
     
  15. Nov 19, 2012 #14
    ....good advice?

    Anyway, for now we're still together. I'm not so faithful about how long that'll last, but for now everything is good.

    Thanks all.
     
  16. Nov 19, 2012 #15

    micromass

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    No, lol.

    You did the right thing, don't worry.
     
  17. Nov 19, 2012 #16
    :smile: I didn't worry, but thank you.
     
  18. Nov 20, 2012 #17
    Well you opened a right little can of worms for yourself.

    If it was your own friends, or a seperate group of female friends. Then you sort of had the high ground. The fact that these were her friends first makes it so much more personal.

    It's sort of like the gentlemans agreement that you don't go out with a mate's ex without seeking permission first. Doing so just isn't cricket.
     
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