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Need a mediator: who's right, the gf or me?

  1. Aug 4, 2010 #1
    Background: my gf is Thai and is visiting me here in the US for a month and a half

    Basically we constantly fight over how I get to spend my time. I just informed her tonight that I am going to a baseball game on Fri with my guy friends and she got extremely upset and started crying. Every time I want to go and do something with my friends she starts crying, gets pissed off, or gets upset because she says that "She could have just stayed home, saved her money, and gone out with her friends back home." I understand where she is coming from, I mean I'm all she's got here and she knows no one here, but it isn't like I am kicking her to the curb. We spend 85% of the weekends together all of the time and I'd say she comes over 3/5 days during the week. I've definitely cut down on going out with my friends since she has gotten here. Some of my friends I haven't seen for about a month now. What am I supposed to do? Just spend 100% of the time while she is here with her only? Is it really that bad to ask to be alone with your guy friends or for some space once a week or several times a month? Some of my friends I've known for over 20 years, am I just supposed to kick them to the curb because she is here for a short while? If I don't hang out with the gf all the time shes gets pissed, but then if I don't at least try to hang out with some of my friends they get pissed and think that I am ditching them for the gf and think that I don't think they are really that important. Really, am I supposed to just break up my routine life completely because the gf is in town? I'm only asking for a few hours or two or 3 days out of the entire time she is here to go out and do what I want on my own without her. Is that too much to ask for? Who's right and who's wrong here?
  2. jcsd
  3. Aug 4, 2010 #2


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    If she's only here for 6 weeks, I say your friends can wait and you can spend time with her.

    Come on, she's only here for 6 weeks. If you can't find activities that the two of you can share for a few weeks, then perhaps there is a problem.

    Wasn't your last thread about getting engaged to the love of your life and buying some over priced diamond she wanted that went down the drain (the relationship, not the diamond)? Perhaps you need to take some time off between relationships?
    Last edited: Aug 4, 2010
  4. Aug 4, 2010 #3

    Math Is Hard

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    A month and a half seems like a really long time for a visit if you're not staying with the person you are visiting. Is she staying in a hotel by herself?
  5. Aug 4, 2010 #4
    Aunt's house
  6. Aug 4, 2010 #5
    Of course there's plenty of stuff we can do for 6 weeks.

    If I remember correctly about the diamond thread, I just asked how much an engagement ring should cost and that was it. I remember posting that after all of my friends got into a big fight at the bar over talking about it (obviously guy friends vs girl friends). I did look at some in some pawn shops just out of curiosity.
  7. Aug 4, 2010 #6
    damn dude, hang with your friends when you want to. if she won't let you, break it off. don't let her control you, man.
  8. Aug 4, 2010 #7


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    You should introduce her to a good looking guy that makes twice the income that you do. Maybe he has the time to put up with her....

    C'mon! You know that's where its headed anyway!
  9. Aug 5, 2010 #8
    If you spend 85% of the time with her, that's way more than enough. You should be able to have a relationship with a women which doesn't feel like suffocating.
  10. Aug 5, 2010 #9


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    If she's staying with her aunt then I don't really see the problem (doesn't she want to spend some time with her family?).

    Of course, there's a happy medium, of you both hanging out with your friends-- it shouldn't ever have to be a choice between friends and partner.
  11. Aug 5, 2010 #10


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    It's different when you don't live in the same country as each other and visit each other occasionally.
  12. Aug 5, 2010 #11
    I love people who give advice and pass judgement based on only one side of the story, it feeds my sense of superiority.

    'right' and 'wrong' are vague enough as it is, when only knowing one side of the story it's like answering 'Is 60 a large number?'
  13. Aug 5, 2010 #12

    More often than not during life you will get only one side of the story. You'll have to make your best with it.

    I dont see how this situation can objectively feed your sense of superiority, cause it seems you lack practicality in the highest degree. But if it does, more power to you, it's awesome to feel good about yourself.

  14. Aug 5, 2010 #13
    There are two rules:

    1. The woman is always right.
    2. When the woman is wrong, consult rule one.

    On the downside, I think that getting a night off in six weeks is necessary for the maintanance of a good relationship. Also, a woman who resorts to tears in order to get her way is problematical.

    On the upside, you are constantly fighting which means that you are properly prepairing for a lifetime together and won't suffer sticker shock should you marry.
  15. Aug 5, 2010 #14
    The best of it is simply refraining from having an opinion then.

    No answer at all beats an answer that is gravely off for me.

    There is a difference between 'practicality' and jumping to conclusions which are quite often completely wrong.

    Saying 'yes' or 'no' in such a thread most likely is not far better than just tossing up a coin. In fact, I would think it could perhaps be slightly better to just toss up a coin. Since people in such threads are of course inclined to agree with the poster's version of the story, thereby pulling it to around 70/30, while in reality it is of course far closer to 50/50, like the coin.

    It actually makes me hate myself.
  16. Aug 5, 2010 #15

    Why are you involved at all in this thread then ? Your not practicing what you are preaching.
    You are pretty amusing.
  17. Aug 5, 2010 #16
    Why, I haven't given an answer, I just hinted at:

    'Maybe it would be fair to let the girl post his side of her story too'.
    I've got funny, fluffy hair.
  18. Aug 5, 2010 #17


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    Why do I feel like this thread is already doomed?
  19. Aug 5, 2010 #18


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    Because it is in "relationships"?
  20. Aug 5, 2010 #19

    Yeah, cause it's like, we don't let her post her side of the story. :rofl:
  21. Aug 5, 2010 #20
    That's a big deal coming all the way from Thailand to see you especially if that was the main reason for her coming to America. If it was the main reason, and you're serious about her, then you should understand her feelings about wanting to be with you, and she should understand and tolerate your wish to spend some time with your friends.

    Directly engage her about it: Explain to her you understand her feelings about wanting to be with you, but try to explain that a woman who insists her man give her all his attention leaving him no time to spend with others is not a healthy relationship and will lead to dysfunction, sorrow, and conflict and therefore if she can't accept you spending time with others, the relationship should end. However you as well need to show her you can be trusted away from her. Think about what she thinks when you're out with others. "are there other women there? Is he flirting with them? Are they prettier than me?" You'll need to convince her that you're reliable and can be trusted and you're serious about her if you are.

    I should say, "willingly accept it without malice". If she tolerates it but is grumpy or moody or resentful about it, that's just as bad as not accepting it. Get that straight with her quick-like.
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2010
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