Need a mediator: who's right, the gf or me?

[cristo]

I try to take her out with me while I hang out with my friends but she always ends up crying and we always have to leave early (which is embarrassing) because she says that I just leave her there on her own by herself when I go try to talk to my friends for 5-10 minutes and that she doesn't know anyone. Well GO MEET NEW PEOPLE!

This bit is harsh. Even if you just leave her for "5-10 minutes", you've got to remember that this girl is in a foreign country and doesn't know anyone. Why on Earth would you just leave her? Why not bring her over to your friends and introduce her? Or are your friends just horrible people who would ignore her anyway?

As for the valentines day thing, she may have gone out of her way to get the evening off so you can spend it together...

Although, I have to admit I'm a little confused. First you say that she is just over staying with her family and visiting you, though here you state that she is working?

As for the rest of your post, I'd have to agree with Cyrus (for once!)

 

[Cyrus]

I'd have to agree with Cyrus (for once!)

Yes, YESSSS!

 

[DanP]

Dump the bimbo.

My god I just want to rip my hair out, eat it, throw it up, and eat it again. There is just no pleasing my GF. So I called off going to the baseball game with my friends to spend time with her. That still doesn't keep her from being negative the rest of the weekend. SHE IS ALWAYS LOOKING FOR SOMETHING TO CRITICIZE ABOUT ME OR WHAT I DO. She simply can not be pleased. I thought the weekend was going well after I gave up my baseball game to be with her. But no, Sunday night she brings up a 'mistake' I apparently made on Valentine's Day and starts a big fight over it and starts crying...again. The night before V-day this year she tells me she was to work (at a restaurant). Fine ok, I assume the night before that she was to work until late because it will be busy that day. I go out with my friends the night before, but not out until too late. The next day for some reason I wake up at 5 PM. I check my phone and I have text messages from her from around 12 PM earlier that day saying that she no longer has to work and that she wants to hang out now. Thus, I go scrambling around 530 PM on V-day to accommodate her at the last minute and look everywhere for any flowers that are left. The only thing that is left are some red carnations I find. I go pick her up, give her the flowers, and take her out to what turns out to be a pretty good Korean restaurant that I think of at the last minute. I think I did a pretty good job considering the fact I was under the assumption she had to work and that we would be hanging out. Now on to yesterday, 6 months later. She brings up V-day and says I made a mistake because I didn't get roses. She said that even if she had to work that day, the fact that I didn't get her roses shows I wasn't thinking about her or didn't plan anything special for her. This is coming from the girl who says she hates roses. 1.) Why would I plan on buying her roses when she hates them 2.) why couldn't she just be happy with the flowers and dinner I took her out to and 3.) even if what I did wasn't any good, why is she still mad about it now 6 months later? Why not just forget and forgive it and move on? I can hardly control my anger now. I give up my time with my friends to be with her this WHOLE weekend. She has to end it on a negative note and a fight over stuff so stupid.

This isn't the only time she is negative too. She always likes to complain, she's impossible to please and then she has the nerve to complain that I am not making her happy. Well, sorry, but when you're impossible to please, people stop trying to make you happy. Remember those pictures of the pizzas I made from scratch and posted on here? I made those for dinner for her. She said she didn't like it or that it was just ok. For her birthday last year I made her a chocolate cake from scratch, she said she didn't like it. I made her apple pie and pumpkin pie from scratch and she said she didn't eat it and threw it away. I took her to see tons of stuff from museums, washington DC, NYC, Atlantic City, the potato chip factory, bars, clubs, etc. etc. and she said that they are all boring. This year I bought her an expensive bouquet of roses and had them sent to her door. She said they were pretty, but that she was going to throw them out the next day and that I should have not gotten them for her and saved my money.

I can't see my friends she gets upset because "I'm not spending time with her and that I value my friends more than her." Of course then she pulls out the big guns and uses the "I'm only her for 6 weeks" card so I bite my tongue every time and stay with her and tell my friends I can't come out. I try to take her out with me while I hang out with my friends but she always ends up crying and we always have to leave early (which is embarrassing) because she says that I just leave her there on her own by herself when I go try to talk to my friends for 5-10 minutes and that she doesn't know anyone. Well GO MEET NEW PEOPLE!I want to break something right now. This girl is driving me insane. I care about her a lot, but she is just like a little pebble stuck in your boot that you can't take out while walking on a 20 mile trek. She constantly wants to fight me for reasons I do not know when all I want to do is care about her. I don't know why she doesn't comprehend that I'm not her enemy but her lover. Have I made mistakes in our relationship ever? Of course. But I'm her lover, why doesn't she just forgive me then? She has made mistakes too, but you know what? Unlike her, I don't remember any of them because I don't care about trivial crap like that and I have already forgiven her for them. However, she insists on remembering everything I do wrong down to the minute detail and tries to save it for fodder against me during an argument. She conveniently forgets or trivializes anything good I do. I'm going berserk. Just gouge my eyeballs out with pencils now. Why do a lot of women like my gf insist on not being happy, playing these stupid games, and always look for something no matter how small to cut you down with?

 

[ThomasT]

I must admit that I'm a bit confused also, gravenewworlld. Why did she get a job if she's only there for 6 weeks? Money? Ok. I can understand that. Came here on a one way ticket without enough money to get back right away if necessary? Somewhat questionable, but understandable given certain circumstances.

Is it that you are, or were, just p***ywhipped? Nothing wrong with that of course. It's bound to happen once in a while. But, you've got to be honest with yourself, and her. If this girl is truly just some sort of Asian drama queen, and you don't really want to be with her, then just let go of it. Even if she really 'loves' you in her own way, and you care about her, it nonetheless doesn't seem to me that you like and respect each other enough to warrant pursuing a 'boyfriend-girlfriend' sort of relationship.

Of course, I'm sitting here at 4am, eating some mini chocolate eclairs that I just defrosted, thinking how wonderful it would be to have your 'problem'. Then, I'm reminded of the Japenese 'she-devil' that I was entangled with many years ago. A true 'daughter of the devil'.

I was certainly somewhat p***ywhipped. But this girl was, while highly exciting, truly strange. Actually had to get a restraining order. That cured me of my Asian 'thing'.

Perhaps you should find a new ... 'girlfriend'? Maybe one a bit closer to home?

 

[DanP]

Of course, I'm sitting here at 4am, eating some mini chocolate eclairs that I just defrosted, thinking how wonderful it would be to have your 'problem'.

Half seriously, half joking, you already have a problem if you eat eclairs at 4AM :P Solve this before getting into another problem.

 

[BobG]

She is what you call a high maintenance woman. You should move on to a new, cheaper hobby - such as nailing jello to a tree, pounding nails into the wall with your head, drinking out of the wrong side of the cup.

Why do a lot of women like my gf insist on not being happy, playing these stupid games, and always look for something no matter how small to cut you down with?

Do you wear a tattoo on your forehead proclaiming that you have low self esteem? Or are you just running into girls that can read signals more subtle than a tattoo?

 

[DanP]

She is what you call a high maintenance woman.

High maintenance women can be a lot of fun. Drama queens ain't.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

Now she just sounds kinda crazy. Though you were angry so maybe focusing on the negative. I had similar issues with an ex of mine. It seemed that no matter what I did inevitably she would find fault with it even if she had to dream it up out of the ether. I realized eventually, after we had broken up, that it was all because she did not really want to be with me. She only made herself believe that she loved me and wanted to be with me.

That was just my situation though. There may be some other issue that is causing the problems in your relationship.

 

[lisab]

Potato chip factory? You mean like an actual potato chip factory...? That's sooooo freaking AWESOME :!)!

 

[Cyrus]

Soooooooooooooo, does this mean she's single now?

 

[Evo]

Gravenewworld, why are you dating this girl? Is it that difficult for you to find someone to date? Wouldn't it be better not to date at all?

 

[ThomasT]

Half seriously, half joking, you already have a problem if you eat eclairs at 4AM :P Solve this before getting into another problem.

What do you mean, "half seriously, half joking"? Of course, eating mini eclairs at 4am is a serious problem. I'm aware of this and am taking steps to beat this addiction. It's 2:45am and I'm eating mini Dutch apple fritters. Do the Dutch even make these things?

Anyway, the point I was trying to make is that there are many things much more satisfying (in a certain sense) and much less problematic than self-absorbed drama queens.

Or, perhaps I've misinterpreted the situation. In which case I apologize to the OP and his girlfriend.

But wrt one thing I think that there would not be any disagreement. These fritters, Dutch or not, are quite tasty.

 

[DanP]

What do you mean, "half seriously, half joking"? Of course, eating mini eclairs at 4am is a serious problem.

Im just trying to learn some internet diplomacy. Rumor has it I need it

 

[chemisttree]

I think she is playing http://www.ericberne.com/games/games_people_play_NIGYSOB.htm" in the role of The Rescuer...

Wouldn't you rather play "They'll Be Glad They Knew Me?"

If you enjoy the games, stay with her and play along. But it isn't too late for...

You should introduce her to a good looking guy that makes twice the income that you do. Maybe he has the time to put up with her...

C'mon! You know that's where its headed anyway!

 

[nucleargirl]

If she's only here for 6 weeks, I say your friends can wait and you can spend time with her.

Come on, she's only here for 6 weeks. If you can't find activities that the two of you can share for a few weeks, then perhaps there is a problem.

Wasn't your last thread about getting engaged to the love of your life and buying some over priced diamond she wanted that went down the drain (the relationship, not the diamond)? Perhaps you need to take some time off between relationships?

I totally agree! come on - she's flown half way across the world for you! the least you could do is spend your time with her! if it was me, I would have expected you to take me to the basketball game, or to meet your friends - you can't just leave her alone at home like a pet!
and her english might not be so good and so she might get bored watching tv, or she night not feel confident going out on her own in a strange country...
It sounds like to me that you are not completely in control of your life... you do what you think you should do - like spend time socailising with friends, going out etc. but is this what you really want to do? I'm guessing that you and your gf haven't seen each other for a long time, so if you now have the opportunity to see her for a long time and you are not willing to do so, then you should question whether you really love her. If you love her then you should WANT to spend all your time with her! and your friends, if they are real friends, would understand, and want you to work your relationship out. they would not even feel like you are 'ditching' them.

 

[nucleargirl]

She is what you call a high maintenance woman. You should move on to a new, cheaper hobby - such as nailing jello to a tree, pounding nails into the wall with your head, drinking out of the wrong side of the cup.

whats drinking out of the wrong side of the cup? I didnt know there was a right and a wrong side... lol

 

[nucleargirl]

ok gravenewworld,
I think you guys need to break up! lol
I think you are not really considering what SHE likes - like you make her cake and pie and pizza, which are all really nice in your mind, but maybe she doeant like sweet things and pizza? so she doesn't appreciate them. wasted effort.
And, from what you've said, I get the feeling that:
Hypotheses time!
Hyp1: she's really deeply and madly in love with you, to the point of obsession (I know this - I've been there) so she basically thinks of you as her potential husband with whom she's going to spend the rest of her life with. Now, this mentality can drive a girl to do some pretty unreasonable things! She's probably anaoysing everything that you do to confirm her theory that you will make an awesome husband, and because we all want to be right in what we believe, any little thing that you do which doesn't fit her picture of a perfect husband, will disappoint her to the bone. She would feel so upset that you are not the person she thought you were (a perfect gentleman) that she will cry and get mad at you for little things like roses... very very sad situation indeed. So, what can you do?
Solutions: You try your best to fit her ideal husband profile and if you are able to do so, she will be SUPER happy and love you forever!
or, you can't be bothered, and you dump her, she will be super sad, but she'll get over it (hopefully!) (and more likely if you are in different countries). might be good to let her down gradually - don't dump her straight away - be gradually distant, to the point that she gets so disappointed that she dumps you, but this method is a bit harsh... I'm not sure how to go about this really.
but, know that if you dump her, you might miss her after she's gone - really miss her.

ok,
Hyp 2!
she's playing you. but this doesn't sound right to me - if she wasnt serious about your relationship, and she's just using you for money/holiday/entertainment, she would NOT fly all the way to see you... unless she wanted a holiday. hm, difficult to tell. but I'm more drawn to Hyp1 cos I'd like to think she's a nice girl at heart :)

ok! only you can tell what's really gong on and what to do about it! none of us really know, and all we hear is a one-sided story from your perspective so its hard to judge.
Good luck!

 

[robertm]

You should watch "Lost in Translation"

Totally relevant, and just an excellent film.