Newb vs Noob tutorial

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Moonbear
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Main Question or Discussion Point

I just found this on another forum (:redface: Sorry, I promise I won't stray again) and was just dying of laughter reading it. :rofl: :rofl: I thought this guide might be helpful here too. :rofl: Sorry, I don't know the original source, it was posted without any reference.

Noob/newb guide

A. INTRO

I. What is this?
II. Defining 'Noob'

B. COMMON NOOB CHARACTERISTICS

I. Noobish
II. Where to find noobs
III. Behaviour of noobs
IV. Noob religion
V. More about noob habitats

C. AVOIDING NOOBS

I. Make sure you aren't one
II. Major noob avoiding strategies

D. Spam

I. What is it?
II. Mindless spam
III. Accepted spam
IV. Reminders
V. Signature spam

A. INTRO

I. What is this?

This guide is designed to give you a better understanding of what a noob is, how to recognize them, some details about them, and how to avoid or get rid of them. It mostly applies to online forums, which are the main targets of migrating noobs.

II. Defining 'Noob'

Contrary to the belief of many, a noob/n00b and a newbie/newb are not the same thing. Newbs are those who are new to some task* and are very beginner at it, possibly a little overconfident about it, but they are willing to learn and fix their errors to move out of that stage. Noobs, on the other hand, know little and have no will to learn any more. They expect people to do the work for them and then expect to get praised about it, and make up a unique species of their own. It is the latter we will study in this guide so that the reader is prepared to encounter them in the wild if needed. Noobs are often referred to as n00bs as a sign of disrespect toward them, and it's often hella funny, but I will refer to them as noobs during this reading.

* Usually the topic at hand on an internet forum.

Top

B. COMMON NOOB CHARACTERISTICS

I. Noobish

Often, but not always, noobs will attempt to communicate in their own primitive language, known as noobish. It is a variant of the hacker language that exposes them as having little intelligence or will to learn. Here is an example of some noobish. Do not attempt to comprehend it: it cannot be discerned without professionals at hand.

stFU /\/\an, i r teh r0xx0rz liek emin3m, u cna go tO EHLL OR ATLE4St help m3 wit hthIS!!111!!!!!!!1~~1!!``!! LOLLOLOLLOLOLlOoLLOlollLLl u n00b

Although you may find this unbelievably funny and/or annoying, it is best to restrain yourself and keep from talking back to them, as they are very territorial and easily angered. This will result in their attempted verbal abuse of you, possibly backed up by other noobs, because they work in packs when doing offensive tasks. It is not an easy task to learn this language because our intelligent accent will keep it from sounding quite right when spoken. You can write some simple noobish of your own, however, by slamming your face into your keyboard repeatedly.

II. Where to find noobs

On the internet, noobs make their colonies on forums. They migrate in waves, usually on weekends, and proceed to clog up bandwidth with stupid questions and sometimes even stupid answers. If you happen to be unfortunate enough to be on a board large enough to attract migrating noobs, there will hopefully be authority in charge who is smart enough to take extermination measures before they can make nests and larger colonies.

Larger colonies can result in the mutation of some into spammers. Not commercial spammers, but pointless spammers. A noob can become one of these at any point, but the larger the amount of noobs, the more chance pointless spammers will appear.

Off the internet, noobs appear anywhere the focus is on learning or discussing something specific.

III. Behaviour of noobs

Since noobs are basically ignorant bastards, they have a lot in common. The most often seen characteristic is their fluency in noobish, which is why it got its own section. They will also be very self confident as if they were the absolute best at what they are in fact the worst at. Also, they are quite aggressive and self-centered, and tend to laugh a lot using many L's and O's in rapid succession (the noobish word for laughing like an ultimate retard).

It is their instinct to assemble in packs for defence, and they often attempt to organize packs that they call teams. Unfortunately for them, teams usually result in a total loss of communication and they can often begin to fight amongst each other. These teams are quite unlike those formed by non-noobs.

Noobs have difficulty reading English and cannot comprehend the idea of authority.

Therefore, they have an all-out disregard for rules, basic or not. A good way to identify a noob (bad) vs. a newb (good) is to tell them (or have an authority tell them) which rule they are unknowingly breaking. If they respond with an apology and fix it, they are probably not a noob. If they react by insulting everything around them in rapid noobish and causing general mayhem, it is because they are a noob and have had a small seizure due to their inability to understand what is happening.

IV. Noob religion

Noobs follow a variation of the 1337 (sometimes 7331) religion, in which they worship the number in odd rituals and put altars in their forum avatars and signatures. They often call themselves 1337, which experts say is somewhat like calling themselves godly in a human language. It's best to not interfere with their religious fantasies and practices because that can lead to a noob uprising, which can turn a forum to mush in less than a week.

V. More about noob habitats

Noobs often attempt to maintain their own web pages. Some common features of these lairs are a terrible lack of content, background music, lots of pointless animated gifs, and pages that say some variation of 'tHEir isnothinG H34r yEtt LOLLOLOL!111!!!~~~!!`! 13371337', which means 'Nothing here yet' in noobish.

They will also have large, seemingly infinite marquees of 88X31 affiliate buttons replaced with red X's scattered here and there, and possibly a hit counter showing a number less than 100. These habitats are numerous but fairly easy to avoid because only noobs link to them. So if you can identify a noob, don't go to its homepage. Simple as that.

C. AVOIDING NOOBS

I. Make sure you aren't one

Note: This section is bilingual so even noobs can make the discovery if they haven't already.
English (T4lk)-
Read the above parts of this guide carefully. If you find yourself unable to comprehend any of it but are instead beginning to think about how great you are and how awesome 'teh 1337' is, you might want to take one of the many available online quizzes to check your noobancy.

Noobish (133713371337)- Liek, u gott4 re3D teh gudieCAREFUl1y and tehn OMG LIEK I AM R0XX0RZ ya anD ify 0u turn into teh reTARDED u gota go 2 MY WEBP4GE LOLLOLOL!!111~11 ad check 4 warez n stfuu. if u r a n00b go2HELL LOLLOLOlROFLMFAO11!!!11!!!! a/s/l pos gtg n00b suxx0rz your b0xx0rz OLOOOLOLLLL HELP HELP HELP 1337133713371337

II. Major noob avoiding strategies

The main factor in attracting migrating herds of noobs is a large, active forum. If you find one of these, look to see if it has the management to avoid noob infestation. If not, look for a small or mid-sized forum that covers the same topic so you can enjoy your time there before the noobs find it.

Another way to keep noobs from interfering with your life is to become part of the authority on one of these forums. But that's often hard to do so you'll probably be better off avoiding larger forums first off. If you do manage to become part of the authority, however, take full advantage of it and establish extermination policies so that normal people can have a nice time without noob infestations.

D. Spam

I. What is it?

Spam, what is it? It’s not that fake meat that plagues my nightmare about one product grocery stores. But it is just as bad. It is the useless filler and mindless blabber of many. It is often something retained when noobs cross over into non-noobs, sometimes leeching onto the subconscious and attempts to surface repeatedly. There are a couple different kinds of spam. There is mindless annoying spam. And there is funny productive spam. You may ask what the difference is... I will tell you.

II. Mindless Spam

Mindless annoying spam is often a product of noobs. They feel the need to post as much as possible and in the process they forget to add anything of real substance. This often leads to flaming, or attacks of the noob by non-noobs. Some examples of this would be: “I put Christmas lights up in my room today. They are pretty.” this type of spam clogs bandwidth and aggravates the regular users of the boards to no end. For the most part the moderator will close and delete the topic, hopefully before it can blossom into a full nesting ground for more noobs.

III. 'Accepted' Spam
Funny productive spam, while not entirely legal, is generally more accepted. This is for the most part products of non-noobs, and actually is an enjoyable, and humourous to conversation to take part in, with a touch of intelligence thrown in. An example of this could be someone is at a public location and humourous events are taking place, and this user is relaying them to the thread for the enjoyment of others. This is obviously not the only form of ‘accepted’ spam but it is the first example that came to mind.

IV. Reminders

During your stay here on these boards it is recommended that you keep your spamming to a minimum or else your stay will not be very pleasant. People of the boards can quickly turn on you if you anger them by useless spamming. Remember don’t be a n00b, be a newb, if you make a mistake, apologise and don’t do it again. Remember spam is bad... just think of the nasty meat stuff people sell... and if you want further inspiration, I will describe my spam dream to you... trust me, it’s not pretty.

V. Signature Spam

Another topic that has come up during my travels of the internet is signature spam. This is made up of overlarge signatures that are ten times longer than the post itself, or cause a reader to have to scroll endlessly to reach the next post. The signature itself consists of over-sized multicoloured letters and pictures. While this does not offend everybody, there are people who become aggravated at these signatures that cause the thread page to be much longer than it should be, a signature should be just that, a signature. A little (possibly humourous) blurb at the end of your post, such as a quote or two, possibly including a small banner. While this tends to be accepted in some forums, in others it in not only frowned upon it is illegal. So remember, be considerate for your fellow members, and keep signatures to a respectable size.
 

Answers and Replies

Pengwuino
Gold Member
4,854
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If you happen to be unfortunate enough to be on a board large enough to attract migrating noobs, there will hopefully be authority in charge who is smart enough to take extermination measures before they can make nests and larger colonies.
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
 
310
2
ahhh this is hilarious.
 
1,354
4
Moonbear said:
I just found this on another forum (:redface: Sorry, I promise I won't stray again)
You strumpet!
 
Moonbear
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franznietzsche said:
You strumpet!
I know, it's horrible, I cheated on PF. But, I swear, I didn't sign up or post or anything, just lurked. That's not so bad, is it? :redface: I found a flash movie that's pretty hysterical too, but there are just enough instances of language we don't allow here that I can't post it to share. :frown: I can send the link by PM to those who are over 18 and not offended by a few swear words. o:)
 
1,354
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Moonbear said:
I know, it's horrible, I cheated on PF. But, I swear, I didn't sign up or post or anything, just lurked. That's not so bad, is it? :redface: I found a flash movie that's pretty hysterical too, but there are just enough instances of language we don't allow here that I can't post it to share. :frown: I can send the link by PM to those who are over 18 and not offended by a few swear words. o:)
Just lurking not so bad? Well I suppose its only the equivalent of going to strip clubs...I guess we'll let it slide.
 
Moonbear
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Science Advisor
Gold Member
11,349
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franznietzsche said:
Just lurking not so bad? Well I suppose its only the equivalent of going to strip clubs...I guess we'll let it slide.
Phew! Yeah, it's looking but not touching, right? o:)
 
1,354
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Moonbear said:
Phew! Yeah, it's looking but not touching, right? o:)
Riiiight.....

I suppose that gets me off the hook for my forays in alt.slack, c.o.l.a and a.o.l.s. Not because I didn't post, but because they're not really web forums.
 
310
2
you're both morally corrupt. There. Settled.
 
2,208
1
Reminds you of the b.net days eh smurf?

“I put Christmas lights up in my room today. They are pretty.”
Just me or does this look a lot like some of the threads in GD lately....
 
Mk
1,963
3
Moonbear said:
You can write some simple noobish of your own, however, by slamming your face into your keyboard repeatedly.
Actually three slams produced this:

juijufhnmjm

Eight slams produced this:
89 rtt jnmm , mmn fvgkm

Control (0 slams):
 
FredGarvin
Science Advisor
5,050
6
Observational humor at it's best. I can especially relate to the signature spam part. My wife frequents a forum that, well, for lack of being PC, is frequented by a bunch of hens. Every single one of them has a sig that is about half a page long with umpteen pictures and banners and counters and all sorts of crap. It is the biggest cluster when you are looking at a page. I swear the mods limited their signatures to 1 MB.

It does give me something to make fun of when I do see it.
 
310
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whozum said:
Reminds you of the b.net days eh smurf?
Yes! Especially the 1337 part. :rofl: :rofl:
 
310
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Mk said:
Actually three slams produced this:

juijufhnmjm

Eight slams produced this:
89 rtt jnmm , mmn fvgkm

Control (0 slams):
You're grammar's a bit off, and you're spelling 'sux'. Keep practicing though! You're doing well for a beginner.


(one might even say you're a newb at noobish)
 
ranger
Gold Member
1,654
1
stFU /\/\an, i r teh r0xx0rz liek emin3m, u cna go tO EHLL OR ATLE4St help m3 wit hthIS!!111!!!!!!!1~~1!!``!! LOLLOLOLLOLOLlOoLLOlollLLl u n00b
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
 
337
2
JamesU
Gold Member
732
3
isn't it n00b...?
 
310
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yomamma said:
isn't it n00b...?
stop being a noob, noob.
 
Argentum Vulpes
Smurf said:
stop being a noob, noob.
It's starting to get a bit warm in here mabey I could cook some smores, mmmmmm..... smores.
 
devil-fire
the real irony of the n00b is the use of a text medium to communicate and yet have a profound reluctance to read.
 
666
6
I don't get it.
and i think my lights ARE pretty
 
1,354
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tribdog said:
I don't get it.
and i think my lights ARE pretty
And they are. The fiery exploding ones anyway.
 

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