Open Relationships: Exploring Thoughts & Perspectives

[fileen]

The thought of sleeping with multiple people disgusts me. My BF and I both believe in waiting until marriage. Not everyone in a relationship is at an equal risk of STD's I have absolutely no risk. I think of sex as an expression of love. I understand that one can love more than one person and I know most people don't wait until marriage, but whether you tell the person or not it seems very disrespectful to be with more than one person. You say that there's a lot more to it than sex, but even emotionally being with more than one person seems wrong and disrespectful. I would not endure a relationship like that, it lacks commitment.

 

[DaveC426913]

The thought of sleeping with multiple people disgusts me.

The thought of other people sleeping with multiple people disgusts you?
or
The thought of you sleeping with multiple people disgusts you?

There's a biiiig difference.

 

[Moonbear]

Not everyone in a relationship is at an equal risk of STD's I have absolutely no risk.

That's not true. Some STDs are a bit misnamed, because they can be transmitted by other forms of contact aside from intercourse. You also never know if your boyfriend might cheat on you at some point...of course you trust him not to, but it's still a non-zero risk.

I think of sex as an expression of love.

Not everyone views it that way. Others "fall in love" more easily.

I understand that one can love more than one person and I know most people don't wait until marriage, but whether you tell the person or not it seems very disrespectful to be with more than one person. You say that there's a lot more to it than sex, but even emotionally being with more than one person seems wrong and disrespectful. I would not endure a relationship like that, it lacks commitment.

I know a lot of people who claimed that at your age...all women, I never really asked men back then. They also were adamant that if they ever had a boyfriend or husband who cheated on them, he'd be kicked out immediately. Sadly, many of them have had husbands who cheated on them, and these were the first women to beg to get them back. Oddly, the ones who seemed more ambivalent about it, that they might consider the circumstances and take him back if they were sure it was a one-time mistake, etc., ended up the ones who ordered their cheating husbands to move out as soon as they were caught. Pretty ironic. Hmm...I seem to know about a lot of men who have cheated on their wives...not all of them have been caught yet. I'm not convinced that the whole idea of monogamy really works, or is even practiced as much as people claim it is.

 

[CaptainQuasar]

I don't wait until she's in "love". Like I'm talking 2-3 weeks here. If she's so infatuated by feelings at that point, I am NOT the one with the problem.

Okay, this is exactly what I'm talking about - you're saying "that's just her problem" if by singling her out and seeking one-on-one romantic experiences with her, she thought you were trying to explore a one-on-one relationship with her and developed the corresponding feelings.

"That's her problem" - but then you're deriding other people for not respecting women enough. That's a disconnect to me, that's why that particular criticism of john16O was the pot calling the kettle black in my book.

Becareful with the judgements. I never said one wanted a fling or not. Comprehension, comprehension, comprehension. You made a clear negative stereotypical judgement on the individual who does NOT want to get married. Lots of people do not want to get married and are interested in life partners and not a fling. If I started using your rational, I can argue the person who wants to get married wants a fling because she/he wants a fling before marriage. The arguments make no sense. Avoid such judgements please. (You made several already.)

(You are making the clear judgement that I am playing girls just because I am interested in polyamorous relationships. There are players in every type of relationships.)

You aren't doing too shabby passing judgments yourself. I never said anything about marriage. I said "long term relationship", which includes monogamous people looking for life partners.

Monogamous people and others who are definitely just looking for a fling, no possibility of any other form of relationship, ought to disclose or somehow indicate that when they're pursuing others romantically.

You are very quick to declare other people to be judgmental, it seems to me. Like, how you explained that you're all aware of yourself and you "actually think" about things compared to other people? That would be being judgmental.

That's life my friend. I can't say what the person did is wrong simply because I would be disgusted.

The question isn't whether you'd be disgusted, it's whether you would feel deceived. I think that most people would feel deceived in that situation and would say that there ought to have been some mention before the point of having sex, from someone who is intentionally sending all of the culturally normative womanhood, that they're bigendered. I don't think that you can say it's wrong for someone to expect that they're having sex with a woman at that point.

Unless you're content with being judgmental like that. As I said, being judgmental appears to be perfectly fine with you if it's based on your principles rather than someone else's.

I have usually have no expectations. Hence, why I wouldn't starting yelling wrong doing on the other person if the person turned out to be transgender female (MTF).

I wasn't intending to describe an MTF, I was intending to describe a bigendered individual. Not simply someone who regards their gender to be that of a straight woman regardless of their physical sexual characteristics.

You can not use that analogy. The lesbian should probably let the man know.

Ah, I see. So I'm judgmental for thinking that women should know ahead of time about your open relationship orientation, but you're just being perfectly reasonable to say that a lesbian should let men know about that in a dating situation? What's special about being into open relationships as a sexual orientation that the lesbian has some level of obligation to reveal her sexual orientation but you don't?

I want to point out that you seem to be jumping the gun at wrong doings on my part. How many monogamous players do you know that would actually just let the girl go(previous paragraph)? Probably none would. Well, I did and I'm not a player.

I don't think that "I'm better than a player" is entirely a high standard to maintain in terms of honesty. But from what you've said, I actually do believe that.

Also, you shouldn't think that because I ask a particular question I'm assuming wrongdoing on your part. I do accept that you undoubtedly have a much better intuitive sense of whether someone is disposed to polyamory / open relationships than I ever could. But no one is perfect. It's the "well that's just her problem" attitude above when someone turns out to be monogamous that I object to.

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[CaptainQuasar]

Okay, here's another analogy that might go over better. Imagine, Jason, that you are an utter Adonis, the perfect piece of man-candy, the dating equivalent of a delicious shot of Peppermint Schnapps mixed with Creme de Menthe. (Maybe you are, I don't know you.)

Actually, for the sake of this analogy you're literally that drink. And there's a Christmas party for a company where most of the people, but not all of them, happen to be alcoholics on the wagon, so there's almost no booze.

Some guy asks a girl in Accounting he hasn't talked to much before "Want a drink?" and she nods and he goes and mixes you up special. Now the guy knows that there are some non-alcoholics at the party, so he technically doesn't have to assume that she's an alcoholic. But with the party being mostly alcoholics, if she is an alcoholic she might well expect him to have mentioned ahead of time that he was offering her an alcoholic drink.

Now if he puts the drink in her hand, and she savors its delicious aroma, and it's not until she's lifted it to her lips that he mentions it's got alcohol in it (imperfect analogy I know, she'd be able to smell the alcohol), is it correct to say he'd be completely blameless for her saying "Awww, nuts... oh, what the hell." and falling off the wagon? I would say he's partially responsible - for him to say "not my problem" would be a crock.

That's how I see it. A lot of women I know would say "I'm like a choc-a-holic, but for men! (Oh, and chocolate too.)" Once a woman's been exposed to three weeks of your awesome virile potency, been irradiated in that sweltering inferno of manhood, it's like kryptonite for Superman - by the time you're telling her you're only looking for longer-term relationships that are open relationships she may be weakened and her judgment may be impaired by your intoxicating manliness.

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[fileen]

That's not true. Some STDs are a bit misnamed, because they can be transmitted by other forms of contact aside from intercourse. You also never know if your boyfriend might cheat on you at some point...of course you trust him not to, but it's still a non-zero risk.Not everyone views it that way. Others "fall in love" more easily.
I know a lot of people who claimed that at your age...all women, I never really asked men back then. They also were adamant that if they ever had a boyfriend or husband who cheated on them, he'd be kicked out immediately. Sadly, many of them have had husbands who cheated on them, and these were the first women to beg to get them back. Oddly, the ones who seemed more ambivalent about it, that they might consider the circumstances and take him back if they were sure it was a one-time mistake, etc., ended up the ones who ordered their cheating husbands to move out as soon as they were caught. Pretty ironic. Hmm...I seem to know about a lot of men who have cheated on their wives...not all of them have been caught yet. I'm not convinced that the whole idea of monogamy really works, or is even practiced as much as people claim it is.

Im not saying that what I believe is right, I am simply saying what I believe (no I am not religious.. just a hopeless romantic). I know lots of people disagree with me. I've been with people who have cheated on me.. mostly women (yes I tended to wander in either direction) but I have not "begged them back" I don't need to be with someone, I am quite content to be alone. I have even had multiple boyfriends and girlfriends... sometimes a boyfriend and a girlfriend... I had one boyfriend who didnt care how many girlfriends I had provided I wasnt with other guys. It was great for a while, but eventually you grow up and want the togetherness of a relationship. I have no desire to be with anyone who does not suit my needs perfectly, relationships are too much work to be with someone who doesn't completely make you happy. Its true my boyfriend could cheat on me, but I doubt it. He won't sleep with me so I doubt he would sleep with someone else. One of the major contributing factors that led us to being together was knowing that his beliefs coincided with mine. We were friends for many years before we decided to commit to a relationship. I know it could happen but I would be surprised if he cheated.

 

[CaptainQuasar]

Since we happened to mention TS/TG stuff here, I thought it was a good place to note that along with the first black president we also evidently got the first openly transgendered mayor in the U.S. in this recent election.

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