Our Hard Drive Which art internal Volume C by name

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  • #1
Astronuc
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Our Morning Prayer :biggrin:

Our Hard Drive Which art internal
Volume C by name;
Thy code be clean,
Thy fonts be seen
On screen as they are on paper.
Give us this day our documents,
And lead us not into fragmentation
But deliver us our data.
For thine is the SCSI,
And the EISA, and the NuBus, Forever and Ever,

Amen. :rofl:
 

Answers and Replies

  • #2
Astronuc
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AOL addiction poem :biggrin:

My computer broke down.
It crashed and burned!
And for my AOL, I really yearned! I tried to stay busy...
And keep it off my mind.
It was worse than cigarettes, at least butts I can find! So I went to Wal-Mart, and got on their pc.
The cashier in electronics was staring at me.
But I didn't care. I had to get on line! Check my mail, and see what buddies I can find.
I drew a crowd as I began to cry.
I couldn't find the password no matter how hard I tried! I need my AOL! I got to have my fix!
Go to my favorite places, check out some cool pics.
The cashier called Security! I heard her whisper low, We have ourselves a Psycho here and she has got to go!
Security rushed over. Not long did he stall.
Obviously he has never suffered from AOL withdrawal. He slapped cuffs on my wrists and threw me out the door!
Then he looked at me and said, Don't come round here no more!
I feel so embarrassed! I have sunk so low! To be kicked out of Wal-Mart.... How low can I go?
So I'll try really hard now to rid myself of this affliction.
Get rid of these bad habits and my AOL addiction!

:biggrin:
 
  • #3
Ivan Seeking
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As a good Catholic, I keep looking for Saint Jude software.

Yea though I walk through the valley of Gates, I will fear no executable: For Norton art with me; thy firewall and virus list comfort me.
 
  • #4
Astronuc
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Consider that -

The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to...uhh...
The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet, or the cleanliness of the floor.
The chaos in the universe always increases.
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket.
The deadline is one week after the original deadline, and you will still miss it.
The deficiency will never show itself during the test run.
The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his subordinate's premonitions - only during the postmortems. A bit like hindsight is always right - and you still get it wrong the next time.
The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely proportional to the subject's true value.
The average man's judgement is so poor, he runs a risk every time he uses it.
The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
The best laid plans of mice and men are all filed away somewhere.
The best laid plans of mice and men are usually equal.
The best photos are generally attempted through the lens cap.
The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.
The difference between a stepping stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.
The difference between art and science is that if something works in art, you don't have to explain why.
The difficulty with a research grant is that if you solve the problem, you're out of a job.
The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.
The best way to realize your dreams is to wake up.
The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.
The business plan you prepare must be a lie; but it must be a detailed and precise lie rather than a vague and general lie.
The business world worships mediocrity. Officially, we revere free enterprise, initiative, and individuality. Unofficially, we fear it.
The early bird who catches the worm usually works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm.
The early worm deserves the bird.
The easier it is to do, the harder it is to change.

:biggrin:
 
  • #5
Lisa!
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Astronuc said:
Consider that -

The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to...uhh...
The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet, or the cleanliness of the floor.
The chaos in the universe always increases.
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket.
The deadline is one week after the original deadline, and you will still miss it.
The deficiency will never show itself during the test run.
The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his subordinate's premonitions - only during the postmortems. A bit like hindsight is always right - and you still get it wrong the next time.
The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely proportional to the subject's true value.
The average man's judgement is so poor, he runs a risk every time he uses it.
The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
The best laid plans of mice and men are all filed away somewhere.
The best laid plans of mice and men are usually equal.
The best photos are generally attempted through the lens cap.
The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.
The difference between a stepping stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.
The difference between art and science is that if something works in art, you don't have to explain why.
The difficulty with a research grant is that if you solve the problem, you're out of a job.
The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.
The best way to realize your dreams is to wake up.
The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.
The business plan you prepare must be a lie; but it must be a detailed and precise lie rather than a vague and general lie.
The business world worships mediocrity. Officially, we revere free enterprise, initiative, and individuality. Unofficially, we fear it.
The early bird who catches the worm usually works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm.
The early worm deserves the bird.
The easier it is to do, the harder it is to change.

:biggrin:
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: The early worm deserves the bird!! :bugeye: :rofl: (The early bird may catch the worbm but the second mouse get the cheese in trap!)
 
  • #6
Moonbear
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Lisa! said:
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: The early worm deserves the bird!! :bugeye: :rofl: (The early bird may catch the worbm but the second mouse get the cheese in trap!)

:rofl: That was my favorite in the list too! :rofl: Oh, and it just made me think of something good for that other "Things most people don't learn until they're 50" thread.
 
  • #7
Lisa!
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Moonbear said:
:rofl: That was my favorite in the list too! :rofl: Oh, and it just made me think of something good for that other "Things most people don't learn until they're 50" thread.
Some people don't learn not to steal from other threads! :wink:(I know you want to write sth else in that thread!)
 
  • #8
mapper
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0
Our Morning Prayer

Our Hard Drive Which art internal
Volume C by name;
Thy code be clean,
Thy fonts be seen
On screen as they are on paper.
Give us this day our documents,
And lead us not into fragmentation
But deliver us our data.
For thine is the SCSI,
And the EISA, and the NuBus, Forever and Ever,

Amen.

This was great, but rather then Amen i think it should be End If. Or just End hehe.
 
  • #9
Astronuc
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Bad Headlines -

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Air Head Fired
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Deer Kill 17,000
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
War Dims Hope for Peace
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Include your Children when Baking Cookies
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

:biggrin:
 
  • #10
russ_watters
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mapper said:
This was great, but rather then Amen i think it should be End If. Or just End hehe.
End If, Else...
 
  • #11
BobG
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The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet, or the cleanliness of the floor.
Somewhat true. Actually, the primary factor in whether bread falls butter side down is the ratio between the table height and length of the bread.

If the table is very short, the bread would not have time to rotate past 90 degrees degrees and would only land butter side down if you got an unlucky bounce. Likewise, if the table were around 10 feet high, the bread would have time to rotate past 270 degrees and would only land butter side down if you got an unlucky bounce. Or, you could eat only exceptionally large pieces of bread that rotate slower or exceptionally small pieces of bread that rotate faster.

For most Western culture style tables, the bread will almost assuredly land butter side down unless you get a lucky bounce. The chances of getting a lucky bounce are inversely proportional to the quality of the landing site. If you cover the floor with the coarse, sharp edged gravel, you have a pretty good chance of getting a lucky bounce. Even on a smooth, flat floor, the chances of getting a lucky bounce increase with the amount of random debris laying on the floor. If you cover the floor with a nicely cushioned flat surface that can absorb the impact of the bread, you'd be extremely unlikely to get a lucky bounce.

The simplest solution, especially if the cleanliness of the floor rates high, is to eat off the floor. Then the chances of the bread landing butter side down are virtually nil.
 
  • #12
BobG
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Actually, I find a different phenomenem of dinner time physics more perplexing than buttered bread. The chances of squirting someone in the eye while biting into a tomato is directly proportional to the amount of time you spend facing that person. So....

Is it considered a sign of respect when you bite into a tomato and squirt your boss in the eye or is it an insult? In other words, should a knowledgeable person look at the least respected person at the table while biting into a tomato?

As a side issue, when respect for you has been shown at the dinner table, is the proper response to stab the person showing respect in the back of his hand with your dinner fork or have I been grieviously insulted?
 
  • #13
Astronuc
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Ponderings collection (These are not mine, I just saw them lying around and borrowed them) :biggrin:

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder Why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why Isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
I asked my wife why there were so many dings on the driver's side of her Mercedes and she said the brakes must be bad
After you lose an election, will they let you back into all the exclusive clubs you resigned from?
This is the only place in the country where people pull over and stop for a funeral, but speed up to cut off an ambulence or a firetruck.
I went out today and bought everything I've been wanting, because now that the elections are over, I know that the politicians are going to take care of the middle class.
The best advice for teenagers is, leave home now while you still know everything.
I really feel sorry for Madonna's baby, having to grow without a last name.
Is it a law of nature that women have to sneeze as soon as they apply their mascara?
The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and making meetings end.
 
  • #14
Emieno
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Lisa! said:
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: The early worm deserves the bird!! :bugeye: :rofl: (The early bird may catch the worbm but the second mouse get the cheese in trap!)
Man-to-man help
Lisa!
My Lisa!
My my lisa!
Are you staying
In Indiana
you have always
helped me so so
so far,
do you gain anything
as a reward for
sucha valuable sacrifice ? :blushing:
 
  • #15
Astronuc
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Scientists gathering

I just "re-liberated these" from elsewhere. :biggrin:

Everyone gravitated toward Newton, but he just kept moving around at a constant velocity and showed no reaction.

Einstein thought it was a relatively good time.

Coulomb got a real charge out of the whole thing.

Cavendish wasn't invited, but he had the balls to show up anyway.

Cauchy, being the only mathematician there, still managed to integrate well with everyone.

Thompson enjoyed the plum pudding.

Pauli came late, but was mostly excluded from things, so he split.

Pascal was under too much pressure to enjoy himself.

Ohm spent most of the time resisting Ampere's opinions on current events.

Hamilton went to the buffet tables exactly once.

Volt thought the social had a lot of potential.

Hilbert was pretty spaced out for most of it.

Heisenberg may or may not have been there.

The Curies were there and just glowed the whole time.

van der Waals forced himeself to mingle.

Wien radiated a colourful personality.

Millikan dropped his Italian oil dressing.

de Broglie mostly just stood in the corner and waved.

Hollerith liked the hole idea.

Stefan and Boltzman got into some hot debates.

Everyone was attracted to Tesla's magnetic personality.

Compton was a little scatter-brained at times.

Bohr ate too much and got atomic ache.

Watt turned out to be a powerful speaker.

Hertz went back to the buffet table several times a minute.

Faraday had quite a capacity for food.

Oppenheimer got bombed.
:biggrin:
 
  • #16
lwymarie
90
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Astronuc said:
I just "re-liberated these" from elsewhere. :biggrin:

Everyone gravitated toward Newton, but he just kept moving around at a constant velocity and showed no reaction.

Einstein thought it was a relatively good time.

Coulomb got a real charge out of the whole thing.

Cavendish wasn't invited, but he had the balls to show up anyway.

Cauchy, being the only mathematician there, still managed to integrate well with everyone.

Thompson enjoyed the plum pudding.

Pauli came late, but was mostly excluded from things, so he split.

Pascal was under too much pressure to enjoy himself.

Ohm spent most of the time resisting Ampere's opinions on current events.

Hamilton went to the buffet tables exactly once.

Volt thought the social had a lot of potential.

Hilbert was pretty spaced out for most of it.

Heisenberg may or may not have been there.

The Curies were there and just glowed the whole time.

van der Waals forced himeself to mingle.

Wien radiated a colourful personality.

Millikan dropped his Italian oil dressing.

de Broglie mostly just stood in the corner and waved.

Hollerith liked the hole idea.

Stefan and Boltzman got into some hot debates.

Everyone was attracted to Tesla's magnetic personality.

Compton was a little scatter-brained at times.

Bohr ate too much and got atomic ache.

Watt turned out to be a powerful speaker.

Hertz went back to the buffet table several times a minute.

Faraday had quite a capacity for food.

Oppenheimer got bombed.
:biggrin:


This one is popular. BTW where did you find the other funny poems/passages? :wink:
 
  • #17
Astronuc
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Most of the other stuff comes from spam (i.e. unwanted emails). :rolleyes:
 
  • #18
Astronuc
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More things to consider - :biggrin:

Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
How can someone "draw a blank"?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says - objects in mirror are closer than they appear, how can that be possible?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
Why does one get in trouble for WRECKless driving?
Does a fish get cramps after eating?
Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
Why do 'tug'boats push their barges?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
What is another word for "thesaurus"?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

:rolleyes: :rofl: :yuck: :tongue2:
 
  • #19
Astronuc
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Really bad jokes -

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? Any resemblance to a notorius PF member is purely coincidental.

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Do blind eskimoes heave seeing-eye sled dogs?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

Why call it "take" a dump, when you leave something behind?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose?

Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?

How did a fool and his money GET together?

If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

What's another word for thesaurus?

What would we have called the color orange if it wasn't a fruit?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

How can there be self-help groups?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

Is there another word for synonym?
 
  • #20
Astronuc
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Some better jokes -

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. :biggrin:
The pen is mightier than the sword if the sword is very small and the pen is real sharp.
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
Call me insane one more time and I'll eat your other eye!
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Stupidity got us into this mess. Why can't it get us out?
The trouble with doing nothing is that you never know when you are finished.
Money isn't everything, but at least it encourages relatives to stay in touch.
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, does it make a sound?
Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.
I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we're already there?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation.
If you yelled at your plants instead of talking to them, would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
 
Last edited:
  • #21
JamesU
Gold Member
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shouldn't there be a shorter word for 'monosyllabic'
 
  • #22
Astronuc
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Recycled from the Garden Web :biggrin:

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu- The same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating, always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding. A matter of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well read.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What is the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into the upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck in debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted-It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Once you've seen a shopping center you've seen a mall.

:biggrin:
 
  • #23
Astronuc
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Things learned from college

Asleep by 2:30 am is an early night.
New additions to the food groups: Mountain Dew, Doritos, Ben & Jerry's, Ho-Hos and Oreos
Make sure your alarm clock has back-up batteries.
It takes more than one person to carry your laundry, books, trash, or alcohol.
If the lecture hall is big enough, get someone else's notes.
Don't burn bridges, especially if he's good in Biology.
Plain pasta never constituted a complete meal before.
Bum rides, money, notes and snacks as much as you can get them.
10 minutes is more than enough time to get ready for your first class (not that this is anything really new).
Going to the mailbox was never an ego booster, breaker before.
The health service attendants are there because they couldn't make it in a real hospital, never ever forget that.
Labs used to be fun.
T.A. used to stand for teaching assistant, now, for terribly articulated.
Squirt guns equal stress relief.
E-mail becomes your second language.
Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies.
Ten-page papers used to sound impossible, now they're a Godsend.
Sleep becomes more important.
Two meals a day are standard. One for some!
You can never make too many meals in a hot pot (or pizelle maker).
You begin to nap again (also not new).
Showers become less important.
Forget putting the toilet seat down,you just pray that they flush.
Frisbee becomes a contact sport.
Care packages rank up there with birthdays.
Your bill in the bookstore will almost equal tuition.
Isn't it amazing that the book your professor wrote is always required for his class?
Recycling becomes synonomous with laundry (Oh, my jeans can last until Christmas...there's only a little bit of mud on them)
You never realized so many people are smarter than you.
You never realized so many people are dumber than you.
Professors are like celebrities: you see them, but they never see you.
Western Europe could be wiped out by a horrible plague and you'd never know, but you could recite last week's episode of your favorite sitcom verbatim.
See every movie under $3 that your campus provides; it's actually proportional to the amount of money you have. Roadtrip whenever possible.
Pick up all new lingo.
Quarters are like gold.
Be creative in the dining hall.
Flipflops become as important as soap, shampoo, etc.
You will never find so many excuses for a bucket.
Duct tape heals all wounds. If not, scotch or masking tape will suffice for awhile.

:biggrin:
 
  • #24
Astronuc
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More things you learned in college!

You get along so much better with your family now that you never see any of them.
Your life will never be the same again.
Always wear your safety goggles, they're not kidding.
You just don't learn last names.
You find out what beer sludge is.
It's amazing how late you can stay up doing absolutely nothing, yet falling asleep in class or in the library takes an average of two seconds.
All you have to do to make new friends is have mom send up some cookies.
Your teachers just went from Mr. and Mrs. to Prof.
That calculator Tetris and Duck Hunt come into play even more than in high school Physics class.
Classes: the later the better.
The cute girls actually talk to you now.
Care packages make it all worthwhile.
The longer you're there, the less you talk about home.
Card games never lasted for hours before.
Vacuuming happens every semester, if you get around to it.
Boys will dance in college.
People who never talked to you in high school are now your best friends when you come home.
You are never alone.
You never realized how quiet your house was.
Dishes aren't dirty enough to wash until they have bugs and/or mold in them.
You spend a ridiculous amount of time pondering the mystery of whether the cafeteria Lucky Charms are the real thing.
You begin to subdivide your room into sections such as den, library, etc. to make it sound like a house.
Printers only break down when you desperately need them. (Happens at work too!)

I don't accept any responsibility for these jokes - they came from spam.
 
  • #25
Smurf
396
3
... but cute girls always talked to me anyways :biggrin:
 
  • #26
Astronuc
Staff Emeritus
Science Advisor
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Smurf said:
... but cute girls always talked to me anyways :biggrin:
Me too. :biggrin:

I was wondering about that point based on what other college-aged males have posted in the past.

A knew lot of the attractive women, and quite a few used to complain about the guys who were constantly hitting on them. The women were hoping that the 'nicer' guys would approach them, but most of the 'nicer' guys were seemingly intimidated. :rolleyes:
 
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  • #27
Astronuc
Staff Emeritus
Science Advisor
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Something to ponder in the wee hours of the morning-

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Support bacteria they're the only culture some people have.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
The severity of the itch is proportional to inability to the reach it.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
Why do the signs that say Slow Children have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it chili if it's hot?
How can there be self-help groups?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
 
  • #28
Astronuc
Staff Emeritus
Science Advisor
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The skier's dictionary :biggrin:

Inertia: Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion. Goes along with these other physical laws:

Two objects of greatly different mass falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital bills.

Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, don't expect to encounter it again in our universe.

When an irresistible force meets an immovable object, an unethical lawyer will immediately appear.

Prejump: Manuever in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled prefall just before losing their balance and, if they wish, can precede it with a prescream and a few pregroans.

Gloves: Designed to be tight enough around the wrist to restrict circulation, but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness within to escape.

Gravity: One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia.

Shin: The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins.

Ski! : A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is Avalanche! which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill.

Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.

Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be mumbling, Why? :biggrin:
 
  • #29
Astronuc
Staff Emeritus
Science Advisor
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http://www.ebaumsworld.com/videos/manakin.html [Broken]

Bird dance. :biggrin:
 
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  • #30
Astronuc
Staff Emeritus
Science Advisor
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Next of kin

Dear Friend, :rofl:

I am Mr.Paul Okoue, the personal financial consultant to Mr Gregory Barrow,a national of your country, who used to work with the Nigerian Petroleum Trust Fund,(PTF),as an expartriate staff,here in Nigeria. He was our valued Customer. On the 4th May 2002, my client, his wife And their only child were involved in the plane crash here in Nigeria with EAS Airlines (Executive Airline Services) flight,EAS 4226,Registration: 5N-ESF,with our then sports minister Mr Mark Ishaya Aku. Since then I have made several attempts to locate any of his extended relatives but this has also proved unsuccessful.After those several unsuccessful attempts to locate any member of his family, I decided to contact you on this subject matter so that I can present you as the bonafide next of kin to the said account.
NOTE:
Your business status does not matter in this transaction,What matters is your ability to assist in repartrating the fund left behind by my client before they get confisicated or declared unserviceable by the Finance Company where this huge sum is lodged. Particularly,the Pacific Finance and Investment Company where the deceased had a deposit whose total value including accrued interest is about US$12.5Million (Twelve Million Five Hundred Thousand US Dollars Only).As his finance consultant in the same company,I have been mandated to provide the next of kin or have the fund confisicated within few weeks.
Since I have no clue of any of his next of kin/relatives,and has tried
unsuccesfully to locate them for some months now, I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin of the deceased as if it is an inheritance left behind by him for you as his next of kin so that the proceeds of this account valued at US$12.5Million(Twelve Million Five Hundred Thousand US Dollars Only) will be paid to you as an inheritance, and then you and I will share the fund after you receive it in your account. I have the ability to negotiate for the release of the Death Certificate of the deceased,which shall serve as one of the legal documents that can be used to back-up the
transaction.
If you can handle this transaction for our joint benefit, please get back to me on as soon as possible,so that I can give you more details on this matter.What is required now is to register/authenticate you as the bonafide next of kin to the fund.
All I require is your honest cooperation to enable us see this deal through.I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law.
We will discuss the sharing ratio when you respond.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Best Regards.
Mr.Paul Okoue
:rofl:

I have to wonder how many Nigerian ministers have been killed in plane crashes. There sure seems to be a lot plane crashes in Nigeria and neighboring countries.
 
  • #31
Astronuc
Staff Emeritus
Science Advisor
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Tips to improve your writing

Avoid alliteration. Always.
Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
Employ the vernacular.
Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
Remember to never split an infinitive.
Contractions aren't necessary.
Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
One should never generalize.
Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
Be more or less specific.
Understatement is always best.
One-word sentences? Eliminate.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
The passive voice is to be avoided.
Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
Who needs rhetorical questions?
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
Don't never use a double negation.
capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point
Do not put statements in the negative form.
Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
A writer must not shift your point of view.
And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.
Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
Always pick on the correct idiom.
The adverb always follows the verb.
Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives.

:rofl: :biggrin: :smile: :tongue2: :cool: o:)
 
  • #32
Astronuc
Staff Emeritus
Science Advisor
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Voice Of God Revealed To Be Cheney On Intercom

:rofl: This is hilarious.
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/43189

WASHINGTON, DC—Telephone logs recorded by the National Security Agency and obtained by Congress as part of an ongoing investigation suggest that the vice president may have used the Oval Office intercom system to address President Bush at crucial moments, giving categorical directives in a voice the president believed to be that of God.
In a transcript of an intercom exchange recorded in March 2002, a voice positively identified as the vice president's identifies himself as "the Lord thy God" and promotes the invasion of Iraq, as well as the use of torture in prisoner interrogations.

A close examination of Bush's public statements and Secret Service time logs tracking the vice president reveals a consistent pattern, one which links Bush's belief that he had received word from God with Cheney's use of the White House's telephone-based intercom system.
 
  • #33
tribdog
749
17
Astronuc said:
Most of the other stuff comes from spam (i.e. unwanted emails). :rolleyes:
then what the heck makes you think we want it? and if you think we want it is it still spam? is it possible to receive spam and give it back unspammed?
 
  • #34
Astronuc
Staff Emeritus
Science Advisor
20,856
4,813
LETTER FROM A FARM KID (now at Camp Pendleton, Marine Corps Recruit Training

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay...practically nothing. Men got to shave but it's not so bad...there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you 'til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300
pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding on in.

Your loving daughter,
Alice

:rofl:
 
  • #35
moose
547
0
O___O
haha
 

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