# Our Hard Drive Which art internal Volume C by name

1. Jul 8, 2005

### Astronuc

Staff Emeritus
Our Morning Prayer

Our Hard Drive Which art internal
Volume C by name;
Thy code be clean,
Thy fonts be seen
On screen as they are on paper.
Give us this day our documents,
And lead us not into fragmentation
But deliver us our data.
For thine is the SCSI,
And the EISA, and the NuBus, Forever and Ever,

Amen. :rofl:

2. Jul 8, 2005

### Astronuc

Staff Emeritus

My computer broke down.
It crashed and burned!
And for my AOL, I really yearned! I tried to stay busy...
And keep it off my mind.
It was worse than cigarettes, at least butts I can find! So I went to Wal-Mart, and got on their pc.
The cashier in electronics was staring at me.
But I didn't care. I had to get on line! Check my mail, and see what buddies I can find.
I drew a crowd as I began to cry.
I couldn't find the password no matter how hard I tried! I need my AOL! I got to have my fix!
Go to my favorite places, check out some cool pics.
The cashier called Security! I heard her whisper low, We have ourselves a Psycho here and she has got to go!
Security rushed over. Not long did he stall.
Obviously he has never suffered from AOL withdrawal. He slapped cuffs on my wrists and threw me out the door!
Then he looked at me and said, Don't come round here no more!
I feel so embarrassed! I have sunk so low! To be kicked out of Wal-Mart.... How low can I go?
So I'll try really hard now to rid myself of this affliction.

3. Jul 8, 2005

### Ivan Seeking

Staff Emeritus
As a good Catholic, I keep looking for Saint Jude software.

Yea though I walk through the valley of Gates, I will fear no executable: For Norton art with me; thy firewall and virus list comfort me.

4. Jul 20, 2005

### Astronuc

Staff Emeritus
Consider that -

The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to...uhh...
The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet, or the cleanliness of the floor.
The chaos in the universe always increases.
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket.
The deadline is one week after the original deadline, and you will still miss it.
The deficiency will never show itself during the test run.
The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his subordinate's premonitions - only during the postmortems. A bit like hindsight is always right - and you still get it wrong the next time.
The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely proportional to the subject's true value.
The average man's judgement is so poor, he runs a risk every time he uses it.
The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
The best laid plans of mice and men are all filed away somewhere.
The best laid plans of mice and men are usually equal.
The best photos are generally attempted through the lens cap.
The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.
The difference between a stepping stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.
The difference between art and science is that if something works in art, you don't have to explain why.
The difficulty with a research grant is that if you solve the problem, you're out of a job.
The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.
The best way to realise your dreams is to wake up.
The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow. The business plan you prepare must be a lie; but it must be a detailed and precise lie rather than a vague and general lie. The business world worships mediocrity. Officially, we revere free enterprise, initiative, and individuality. Unofficially, we fear it. The early bird who catches the worm usually works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm. The early worm deserves the bird. The easier it is to do, the harder it is to change. 5. Jul 20, 2005 ### Lisa! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: The early worm deserves the bird!! :rofl: (The early bird may catch the worbm but the second mouse get the cheese in trap!) 6. Jul 20, 2005 ### Moonbear Staff Emeritus :rofl: That was my favorite in the list too! :rofl: Oh, and it just made me think of something good for that other "Things most people don't learn until they're 50" thread. 7. Jul 20, 2005 ### Lisa! Some people don't learn not to steal from other threads! (I know you want to write sth else in that thread!) 8. Jul 20, 2005 ### mapper This was great, but rather then Amen i think it should be End If. Or just End hehe. 9. Jul 21, 2005 ### Astronuc Staff Emeritus Bad Headlines - Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Eye Drops off Shelf Teacher Strikes Idle Kids British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One Drunken Drivers Paid$1000 in '84
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Deer Kill 17,000
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
War Dims Hope for Peace
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

10. Jul 21, 2005

### Staff: Mentor

End If, Else...

11. Jul 21, 2005

### BobG

Somewhat true. Actually, the primary factor in whether bread falls butter side down is the ratio between the table height and length of the bread.

If the table is very short, the bread would not have time to rotate past 90 degrees degrees and would only land butter side down if you got an unlucky bounce. Likewise, if the table were around 10 feet high, the bread would have time to rotate past 270 degrees and would only land butter side down if you got an unlucky bounce. Or, you could eat only exceptionally large pieces of bread that rotate slower or exceptionally small pieces of bread that rotate faster.

For most Western culture style tables, the bread will almost assuredly land butter side down unless you get a lucky bounce. The chances of getting a lucky bounce are inversely proportional to the quality of the landing site. If you cover the floor with the coarse, sharp edged gravel, you have a pretty good chance of getting a lucky bounce. Even on a smooth, flat floor, the chances of getting a lucky bounce increase with the amount of random debris laying on the floor. If you cover the floor with a nicely cushioned flat surface that can absorb the impact of the bread, you'd be extremely unlikely to get a lucky bounce.

The simplest solution, especially if the cleanliness of the floor rates high, is to eat off the floor. Then the chances of the bread landing butter side down are virtually nil.

12. Jul 21, 2005

### BobG

Actually, I find a different phenomenem of dinner time physics more perplexing than buttered bread. The chances of squirting someone in the eye while biting into a tomato is directly proportional to the amount of time you spend facing that person. So....

Is it considered a sign of respect when you bite into a tomato and squirt your boss in the eye or is it an insult? In other words, should a knowledgeable person look at the least respected person at the table while biting into a tomato?

As a side issue, when respect for you has been shown at the dinner table, is the proper response to stab the person showing respect in the back of his hand with your dinner fork or have I been grieviously insulted?

13. Jul 22, 2005

### Astronuc

Staff Emeritus
Ponderings collection (These are not mine, I just saw them lying around and borrowed them)

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder Why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why Isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
I asked my wife why there were so many dings on the driver's side of her Mercedes and she said the brakes must be bad
After you lose an election, will they let you back into all the exclusive clubs you resigned from?
This is the only place in the country where people pull over and stop for a funeral, but speed up to cut off an ambulence or a firetruck.
I went out today and bought everything I've been wanting, because now that the elections are over, I know that the politicians are going to take care of the middle class.
The best advice for teenagers is, leave home now while you still know everything.
I really feel sorry for Madonna's baby, having to grow without a last name.
Is it a law of nature that women have to sneeze as soon as they apply their mascara?
The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and making meetings end.

14. Jul 22, 2005

### Emieno

Man-to-man help
Lisa!
My Lisa!
My my lisa!
Are you staying
In Indiana
you have always
helped me so so
so far,
do you gain anything
as a reward for
sucha valuable sacrifice ?

15. Jul 23, 2005

### Astronuc

Staff Emeritus
Scientists gathering

I just "re-liberated these" from elsewhere.

Everyone gravitated toward Newton, but he just kept moving around at a constant velocity and showed no reaction.

Einstein thought it was a relatively good time.

Coulomb got a real charge out of the whole thing.

Cavendish wasn't invited, but he had the balls to show up anyway.

Cauchy, being the only mathematician there, still managed to integrate well with everyone.

Thompson enjoyed the plum pudding.

Pauli came late, but was mostly excluded from things, so he split.

Pascal was under too much pressure to enjoy himself.

Ohm spent most of the time resisting Ampere's opinions on current events.

Hamilton went to the buffet tables exactly once.

Volt thought the social had a lot of potential.

Hilbert was pretty spaced out for most of it.

Heisenberg may or may not have been there.

The Curies were there and just glowed the whole time.

van der Waals forced himeself to mingle.

Millikan dropped his Italian oil dressing.

de Broglie mostly just stood in the corner and waved.

Hollerith liked the hole idea.

Stefan and Boltzman got into some hot debates.

Everyone was attracted to Tesla's magnetic personality.

Compton was a little scatter-brained at times.

Bohr ate too much and got atomic ache.

Watt turned out to be a powerful speaker.

Hertz went back to the buffet table several times a minute.

Oppenheimer got bombed.

16. Jul 23, 2005

### lwymarie

This one is popular. BTW where did you find the other funny poems/passages?

17. Jul 24, 2005

### Astronuc

Staff Emeritus
Most of the other stuff comes from spam (i.e. unwanted emails).

18. Jul 29, 2005

### Astronuc

Staff Emeritus
More things to consider -

Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
How can someone "draw a blank"?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says - objects in mirror are closer than they appear, how can that be possible?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
Why does one get in trouble for WRECKless driving?
Does a fish get cramps after eating?
Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
Why do 'tug'boats push their barges?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
What is another word for "thesaurus"?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

:rofl: :yuck: :tongue2:

19. Aug 5, 2005

### Astronuc

Staff Emeritus

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? Any resemblance to a notorius PF member is purely coincidental.

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Do blind eskimoes heave seeing-eye sled dogs?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

Why call it "take" a dump, when you leave something behind?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose?

Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?

How did a fool and his money GET together?

If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

What's another word for thesaurus?

What would we have called the color orange if it wasn't a fruit?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

How can there be self-help groups?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

Is there another word for synonym?

20. Aug 5, 2005

### Astronuc

Staff Emeritus
Some better jokes -

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
The pen is mightier than the sword if the sword is very small and the pen is real sharp.
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
Call me insane one more time and I'll eat your other eye!
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Stupidity got us into this mess. Why can't it get us out?
The trouble with doing nothing is that you never know when you are finished.
Money isn't everything, but at least it encourages relatives to stay in touch.
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, does it make a sound?
Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.
I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we're already there?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation.
If you yelled at your plants instead of talking to them, would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Last edited: Aug 5, 2005