Over protectivehelp

[rumpyson]

Main Question or Discussion Point

right so, im pretty sure im over protective of my girlfriend. we are living together and its only our 4 month on the 23rd this month, i know bit soon but its going ok. untill i met her best friend, shes just turned 17, we are both 18 almost 19 but this friend is still immature and going out and partying alot where we have been through it and settled a bit. but she just broke up with her boyfriend so shes been seeing my girlfriend alot more and aimee(my girlfriend) is going along with it. ye thats kewl and all but i simply ask her to do it when im at work so i can come home after a 12 hour day and spend time with her and watch a movie or something you know. but instead i get this dick head rock up unexpectedly and aimee drops everything for her. i get quite angry about it and sort of for a good reason but still stupid most the time. but shes just resently told me shes going away for 2 days with her. up north somewhere and its in a few days. she is going at 4 in arvo and wont be back untill 2 days afternoon. so ill be doing nothing in a house that isnt mine. she is the reason i moved in obviously so i feel out of place when she isnt home with me. but im getting angry at her for wanting to go, mainly because i dont like her friend for the immaturity and she changes aimee when she is around. so she treats me differently and doesnt talk to me and snobby or what ever. but im just wondering. how do i get over her best friend and think positively about her going, and let her do it for her. but i cant be without her, i have trouble letting her go out without me and all the rest that comes with it. just asking different opinions on how to change how i react. ive been a bit alone my whole life, no family just me and mum and not many friends. so its like shes huge in my life and we love eachother so its hard for me to let her go without me because it brings back the lonelyness and it doesnt feel nice, so yea help me out please guys

 

[Evo]

You seem aware that you have an unhealthy dependence on your girlfriend, making her presence necessary for your happiness.

You're too young for a serious relationship, so don't be surprised if she decides she's not ready for such a heavy burden (making you happy). You should both be out dating different people and enjoying yourself at this age. I don't even remember the names of guys I dated when I was that young.

I know at your age everything seems 10 times more serious and tragic than it really is, it's usually just something you have to go through. Try to find something else to do with your time. And learn that you can be happy alone. Until you can do this, it will be hard to have a healthy relationship with anyone.

And good luck, I hope that you can find happiness (hint: find happiness with yourself first).

 

[rumpyson]

yea i know she shouldnt have to deal with me being like all angry and that either, but its just so hard to watch her go away for a weekend with smeone else. a girl or guy its still away from me. and it feels like they are stealing her in a way and it makes me angry and upset, yea your right about the to young thing but all my other relationships seriously ended right on the month mark.. weirdly but true this is longest one ive had and most serious one ive had she is very loyal and would never cheat but when its her and me we are fine 100% happy and loving. as soon as she or someone aimee has gone out with or been close with comes in the picture i get protective and angry and we end up in a fight because i tell her i dont want her seeing them when im with her.

 

[zoobyshoe]

I suppose what you have to understand is that girls are a different race. You don't speak that language and you aren't familiar with the culture. Your girlfriend needs to stay in touch with her peoples, as it were, or she won't feel like herself. As much as you want her attention, she needs periods where she can drop the effort of speaking rumpyson and revert to the much easier girl-speak, that is her native tongue.

 

[Evo]

yea i know she shouldnt have to deal with me being like all angry and that either, but its just so hard to watch her go away for a weekend with smeone else. a girl or guy its still away from me. and it feels like they are stealing her in a way and it makes me angry and upset, yea your right about the to young thing but all my other relationships seriously ended right on the month mark.. weirdly but true this is longest one ive had and most serious one ive had she is very loyal and would never cheat but when its her and me we are fine 100% happy and loving. as soon as she or someone aimee has gone out with or been close with comes in the picture i get protective and angry and we end up in a fight because i tell her i dont want her seeing them when im with her.

There is hope for you because you are able to sit back and see things objectively. A lot of people can't.

It's hard to share when you feel that nothing else is needed in your relationship. If you try to keep her from her friends, it will only backfire on you. I know it's hard for you, I understand. There is no magic answer that will make things *ok*. Perhaps think about would it be better to let her see her friends and remain in a relationship, or demand that she stay home and have her end the relationship?

 

[micromass]

You obviously love your gf very much, that's certainly a good thing!! But love can manifest itself in very unhealthy ways. What you are doing now is being too dependend on your gf. You basically want to restrict her freedom and you want her to always be with you. And you're only doing this to make yourself happy, even though it makes her sad. (I may sound harsh right now, but it isn't meant that way. I DO sympathize with you and I DO know how hard it is to be alone!!).

Eventually, it comes down to a very hard choice: do you want to see your girlfriend happy or do you want to see you happy.

If you really love your girlfriend, then you'll let her hang out with her friends!!

What to do now??
First of all, don't get angry at her. She doesn't deserve it. And anger is a very destructive emotion. It will destroy your girlfriend and it will destroy you.
It's ok to feel sad, disappointed, depressed, but don't feel angry. Whenever you feel angry: try to see it from your gf's point-of-view. This helps a bit.

Try to have a conversation with your girlfriend about the topic. Tell her how you feel. Tell her that you don't want to see her unhappy, but that it is sometimes hard for you (and be sure to mean it). She should try to consider your emotions. That DOES NOT mean that she should stop hanging out with her, but at least she will be aware of it and try to work out a solution.

A possible solution might be that she would call you every day. That way you have something to look out to. It really does help!!

Other solutions must come from you. Try to find a hobby or something to do, so you feel less lonely. Maybe try to talk to a councellor or psychologist. They might help you get into harmony with your emotions.

Do know that if you do nothing, then your gf WILL leave you. I will guarantee you this.

 

[ViewsofMars]

right so, im pretty sure im over protective of my girlfriend. we are living together and its only our 4 month on the 23rd this month, i know bit soon but its going ok. untill i met her best friend, shes just turned 17, we are both 18 almost 19 but this friend is still immature and going out and partying alot where we have been through it and settled a bit. but she just broke up with her boyfriend so shes been seeing my girlfriend alot more and aimee(my girlfriend) is going along with it. ye thats kewl and all but i simply ask her to do it when im at work so i can come home after a 12 hour day and spend time with her and watch a movie or something you know. but instead i get this dick head rock up unexpectedly and aimee drops everything for her. i get quite angry about it and sort of for a good reason but still stupid most the time. but shes just resently told me shes going away for 2 days with her. up north somewhere and its in a few days. she is going at 4 in arvo and wont be back untill 2 days afternoon. so ill be doing nothing in a house that isnt mine. she is the reason i moved in obviously so i feel out of place when she isnt home with me. but im getting angry at her for wanting to go, mainly because i dont like her friend for the immaturity and she changes aimee when she is around. so she treats me differently and doesnt talk to me and snobby or what ever. but im just wondering. how do i get over her best friend and think positively about her going, and let her do it for her. but i cant be without her, i have trouble letting her go out without me and all the rest that comes with it. just asking different opinions on how to change how i react. ive been a bit alone my whole life, no family just me and mum and not many friends. so its like shes huge in my life and we love eachother so its hard for me to let her go without me because it brings back the lonelyness and it doesnt feel nice, so yea help me out please guys

Young love is very precious. It seems to me that you will be alone for two days since your girlfriend is taking a two day vacation with a female friend while you will be working a 12 hour day. So you will be at work for 24 hours and she will be gone for 48 hours. Time flies bye pretty fast. Don't sweat it. Tell her you love her and you'll be there when she gets back. You need to learn to set aside time for yourself. This will give you the opportunity to do so. It's very important at your age to learn to amuse yourself. Take up a hobby that you may have wanted to do that you haven't had time for because she was there. Here's an idea you might like: Go to a hobby shop. You might find something there to amuse yourself. Time flies bye when you are doing something for yourself that is fun. Who knows, it might be a future gift for her when she arrives home. My point is look forward to the brighter side of life.

 

[Dembadon]

yea i know she shouldnt have to deal with me being like all angry and that either, but its just so hard to watch her go away for a weekend with smeone else. a girl or guy its still away from me. and it feels like they are stealing her in a way and it makes me angry and upset, yea your right about the to young thing but all my other relationships seriously ended right on the month mark.. weirdly but true this is longest one ive had and most serious one ive had she is very loyal and would never cheat but when its her and me we are fine 100% happy and loving. as soon as she or someone aimee has gone out with or been close with comes in the picture i get protective and angry and we end up in a fight because i tell her i dont want her seeing them when im with her.

In addition to the excellent advice you've gotten so far:

Don't smother her. You're just going to end up pushing her farther away. It is imperative that you learn how to be alone or I don't see this relationship lasting much longer. She is already exhibiting signs of wanting some time apart. I feel like the relationship is in a very fragile place at the moment. You sound like you're genuinely interested in wanting this to work, so you must understand that you can only change yourself. I commend and respect your desire to self-evaluate and seek help. I hope everything works out.

 

[ViewsofMars]

In addition to the excellent advice you've gotten so far:

Don't smother her. You're just going to end up pushing her farther away. It is imperative that you learn how to be alone or I don't see this relationship lasting much longer. She is already exhibiting signs of wanting some time apart. I feel like the relationship is in a very fragile place at the moment. You sound like you're genuinely interested in wanting this to work, so you must understand that you can only change yourself. I commend and respect your desire to self-evaluate and seek help. I hope everything works out.

Smothering someone with genuine love which is filled with honesty is fine. It's important and extremely healthy for rumpyson and his girlfriend to have freedom of space within their relationship. There is not a single person that I personally know that lives with someone 24 hours a day except if he/she are on their death bed.

P.S. We might have to consider his girlfriend is pregnant and leaving for a reason. I hope that is not the case but we may not have all the details and neither might rumpyson.

 

[micromass]

P.S. We might have to consider his girlfriend is pregnant and leaving for a reason. I hope that is not the case but we may not have all the details and neither might rumpyson.

Huh, why do we need to assume she is pregnant??

The situation is already complicated enough. Let's not overdo things by making baseless assumptions...

 

[ViewsofMars]

Huh, why do we need to assume she is pregnant??

The situation is already complicated enough. Let's not overdo things by making baseless assumptions...

Micromass, "If you really love your girlfriend, then you'll let her hang out with her friends!!"

Obviously, your comment was based on an assumption. I don't think my previous contribution was a baseless assumption. Futhermore, I did state, ". . .we may not have all the details and neither might rumpyson." That statement is not an assumption but in fact the truth. I can't read his girlfriend's mind. So it's merely hearsay in my opinion what rumpyson has shared with us about her. His girlfriend isn't here to speak for herself and my contributions are merely based on rumpyson's observations. I too can have the right to make my own thoughts available as has every person that has contributed to this topic. I'm an mature adult woman that has worked with youth in the past. Seen and heard what young people his age have to say.

 

[Astronuc]

I would disagree with the 'over protective' and say that one is being excessively possessive. A girlfriend, wife or significant other is not a possession.

Heed the advice from Evo and ViewsofMars.

 

[Dembadon]

Smothering someone with genuine love which is filled with honesty is fine. ...

I disagree. I don't think smothering someone is ever okay. At least in the sense that the person who's being smothered feels controlled and/or overwhelmed. If someone is suffocating, it doesn't matter what the device is, they're still being smothered to the point of suffocation.

This doesn't mean he can't be passionate with expressing his love, it just means he needs to figure out what is too much for her. My wife knows that I need about a full day alone about once a month, and I'm aware of her need to be social. We both make compromises for each other and it makes for a fulfilling relationship.

They need to find out what works for them, and perhaps I was a bit hasty with my "fragile relationship" conclusion. However, I don't think it's entirely unreasonable in this case.

 

[rumpyson]

right, thanks for everything so far guys. but in a reply from someone who said sit down and talk to her about it and genuinely mean it. i try every time with every problem. this isnt her first serious relationship, where mine it is. she says "ive heard that before" meaning the other fellas where not legit and hurt her (cheated) and im just another number from the same group. im not but, i am different and would never do that to her but yet she doesnt either, trust or believe in my word when i say those things. i dont know how many times ive tried telling her i am actually meaning it. she is realizing more and more now, which is good but then i dont want it to be too late or something along those lines.

 

[ViewsofMars]

Heed the advice from Evo and ViewsofMars.

Thank you.

Smothering someone with genuine love which is filled with honesty is fine. It's important and extremely healthy for rumpyson and his girlfriend to have freedom of space within their relationship. [snip]

I disagree. I don't think smothering someone is ever okay. At least in the sense that the person who's being smothered feels controlled and/or overwhelmed. If someone is suffocating, it doesn't matter what the device is, they're still being smothered to the point of suffocation.

I beg to differ with you. I'm not suffocating anyone. My husband and I have been married for over 30 years. He doesn’t mind me smothering him with genuine love. Not only is he smart and kind, but lucky me, he looks like the actor Sir Thomas Sean Connery. He's my personal 007 agent. He’s over six feet tall and an Englishman. I’m only a little over 5 feet tall so he likes my smothering him with lots of good loving filled to the brim with honesty! Naturally, he does the same thing for me.

 

[Borek]

Now that you know we are not kid eaters, and you got several nice replies from people willing to listen to your problems, time for a bad cop

Please use capital letters. This is a simple, but working way of showing respect to people reading your posts.

 

[Dembadon]

Thank you.



I beg to differ with you. I'm not suffocating anyone. My husband and I have been married for over 30 years. He doesn’t mind me smothering him with genuine love. Not only is he smart and kind, but lucky me, he looks like the actor Sir Thomas Sean Connery. He's my personal 007 agent. He’s over six feet tall and an Englishman. I’m only a little over 5 feet tall so he likes my smothering him with lots of good loving filled to the brim with honesty! Naturally, he does the same thing for me.

That all sounds great, and I'm glad your relationship is healthy. However, if you read my post carefully, I was referring to the type of smothering that makes the other person feel controlled. Control is never healthy, and it is completely possible to try and control someone by smothering them.

So, again, I never said there was anything wrong with honest love and affection. There just needs to be a realization that not everyone enjoys being smothered.

 

[ViewsofMars]

I would like to backtrack on this conversation.

Heed the advice from Evo and ViewsofMars.

Thank you.

Smothering someone with genuine love which is filled with honesty is fine. It's important and extremely healthy for rumpyson and his girlfriend to have freedom of space within their relationship. There is not a single person that I personally know that lives with someone 24 hours a day except if he/she are on their death bed.

I disagree. I don't think smothering someone is ever okay. At least in the sense that the person who's being smothered feels controlled and/or overwhelmed. If someone is suffocating, it doesn't matter what the device is, they're still being smothered to the point of suffocation.

I beg to differ with you. My husband and I have been married for over 30 years. He doesn’t mind me smothering him with genuine love. Not only is he smart and kind, but lucky me, he looks like the actor Sean Connery. He’s over six feet tall and an Englishman. I’m only a little over 5 feet tall so he likes my smothering him with lots of good loving filled to the brim with honesty!

I disagree. I don't think smothering someone is ever okay. At least in the sense that the person who's being smothered feels controlled and/or overwhelmed. If someone is suffocating, it doesn't matter what the device is, they're still being smothered to the point of suffocation.

This doesn't mean he can't be passionate with expressing his love, it just means he needs to figure out what is too much for her. My wife knows that I need about a full day alone about once a month, and I'm aware of her need to be social. We both make compromises for each other and it makes for a fulfilling relationship.

They need to find out what works for them, and perhaps I was a bit hasty with my "fragile relationship" conclusion. However, I don't think it's entirely unreasonable in this case.

So you seem to be arguing with Astronuc and what I earlier stated , “Smothering someone with genuine love which is filled with honesty is fine. It's important and extremely healthy for rumpyson and his girlfriend to have freedom of space within their relationship. There is not a single person that I personally know that lives with someone 24 hours a day except if he/she are on their death bed. ”

First off, my husband and I don’t argue. So I won’t be arguing with you either. Arguing with people is unhealthy. As far as your comment, “My wife knows that I need about a full day alone about once a month, and I'm aware of her need to be social. We both make compromises for each other and it makes for a fulfilling relationship.” The impression I’m getting from your statement is that you leave your wife one full day (24 hours) once a month since you have been married because you wish to be anti-social whereas your wife prefers to be social. Personally speaking, a relationship, especially a married couple, consists of two individuals that are socially compatible who enjoy each others company and people that are non-argumentative. I leave it at that and say, “Adieu. Wishing you the best life has to offer.”:smile

 

[micromass]

I would like to backtrack on this conversation.


So you seem to be arguing with Astronuc and what I earlier stated , “Smothering someone with genuine love which is filled with honesty is fine. It's important and extremely healthy for rumpyson and his girlfriend to have freedom of space within their relationship. There is not a single person that I personally know that lives with someone 24 hours a day except if he/she are on their death bed. ”

First off, my husband and I don’t argue. So I won’t be arguing with you either. Arguing with people is unhealthy. As far as your comment, “My wife knows that I need about a full day alone about once a month, and I'm aware of her need to be social. We both make compromises for each other and it makes for a fulfilling relationship.” The impression I’m getting from your statement is that you leave your wife one full day (24 hours) once a month since you have been married because you wish to be anti-social whereas your wife prefers to be social. Personally speaking, a relationship, especially a married couple, consists of two individuals that are socially compatible who enjoy each others company and people that are non-argumentative. I leave it at that and say, “Adieu. Wishing you the best life has to offer.”:smile

I don't see it like that. There will always be frctions and arguments between people. But people that love eachother are ready to make compromises for the other person. You may not always like what the other person does (and it's ok not to like it), but out of love you let them do it otherwise. If you like everything about your partner: good for you. But it's not something necessary for a relationship...

 

[ViewsofMars]

I don't see it like that. There will always be frctions and arguments between people. But people that love eachother are ready to make compromises for the other person. You may not always like what the other person does (and it's ok not to like it), but out of love you let them do it otherwise. If you like everything about your partner: good for you. But it's not something necessary for a relationship...

No wonder divorce is at its all time high! People who truly love each other and are married don't argue if they are mature adults. I not only like but love everything about my husband. He is perfectly beautiful in my eyes. And every woman that I personally know that is married thinks the same way about their husband.

 

[micromass]

No wonder divorce is at its all time high! People who truly love each other and are married don't argue if they are mature adults. I not only like but love everything about my husband. He is perfectly beautiful in my eyes. And every woman that I personally know that is married thinks the same way about their husband.

Well then, you should be lucky with your husband. Most couples do have occasional arguments, and that's ok.

Maybe you shouldn't generalize your situation to other couples. Not everybody is the same and should be the same of you.

 

[Dembadon]

I would like to backtrack on this conversation.


So you seem to be arguing with Astronuc and what I earlier stated , “Smothering someone with genuine love which is filled with honesty is fine. It's important and extremely healthy for rumpyson and his girlfriend to have freedom of space within their relationship. There is not a single person that I personally know that lives with someone 24 hours a day except if he/she are on their death bed. ”

Perhaps you mean "showering?"

Here's a definition of "smothering" from the Oxford dictionary:

make (someone) feel trapped and oppressed by acting in an overly protective manner toward them

If you're making someone feel trapped and oppressed, then frankly, it doesn't matter what your intentions are. You need to consider the other person's ability to absorb what you have to offer and make adjustments accordingly.

Your reasoning is analogous to the following: "It's okay if I'm making someone feel trapped because I'm doing it with honest, genuine, love." (unless you're defining "smothering" in any other way than what's in English dictionaries):

I don't know why you keep ignoring the negative aspects of smothering. Again, just because you aren't suffocating someone doesn't mean that it can't happen. I have already acknowledged your point of view and have been making an effort to be more precise and careful with the idea of "smothering." If you're unable to see another perspective, then I guess there isn't much more to discuss in that arena.

Arguing with people is unhealthy.

Yikes! You do realize that there are perfectly healthy ways to argue, right?

Stuffing feelings of offense or disappointment is what's unhealthy. Not being able to express a different point-of-view due to a fear of argument is also unhealthy. Arguing is perfectly healthy if done in a mature way: that means no insults, shouting, manipulation, etc.

Relationships usually involve compromise. However, you seem to have found someone who agrees with everything you say and enjoys everything you enjoy. You both are extremely lucky because I've never seen that happen, even in the movies!

As far as your comment, “My wife knows that I need about a full day alone about once a month, and I'm aware of her need to be social. We both make compromises for each other and it makes for a fulfilling relationship.” The impression I’m getting from your statement is that you leave your wife one full day (24 hours) once a month since you have been married because you wish to be anti-social whereas your wife prefers to be social.

I don't "leave my wife." We are often in the same room during my "alone time." What we avoid is making plans with other people or going to social events. Hopefully this clears-up the misunderstanding.

Personally speaking, a relationship, especially a married couple, consists of two individuals that are socially compatible who enjoy each others company and people that are non-argumentative. I leave it at that and say, “Adieu. Wishing you the best life has to offer.”:smile

Thank you!

I also sincerely wish you the best and congratulate you on 30 years!

 

[ViewsofMars]

Well then, you should be lucky with your husband. Most couples do have occasional arguments, and that's ok.

Maybe you shouldn't generalize your situation to other couples. Not everybody is the same and should be the same of you.

Luck has nothing to do with my marriage. People who truly love each other and are married don't argue if they are mature adults. They discuss in a calm manner.

Perhaps you mean "showering?"

Here's a definition of "smothering" from the Oxford dictionary:

make (someone) feel trapped and oppressed by acting in an overly protective manner toward them

The word "smothering" as I have used it means "a slow fire" (Websters). Love is a slow fire that never dies out in my marriage. It's always burning like a bright light in my life. I'm such a romantic when it comes to the heart of the matter.

I also sincerely wish you the best and congratulate you on 30 years!

A sincere thank you. I do recall earlier stating that I have been married 'over' 30 years.

I think I'll move onward to another board. I've had enough of this topic.

 

[Dembadon]

...

The word "smothering" as I have used it means "a slow fire" (Websters). Love is a slow fire that never dies out in my marriage. It's always burning like a bright light in my life. I'm such a romantic when it comes to the heart of the matter.

Now I'm thoroughly confused. You found a dictionary that has "a slow fire" as the definition for "smother"? I now see why there has been so much confusion.

A sincere thank you. I do recall earlier stating that I have been married 'over' 30 years.

...

You're absolutely right; my mistake.

 

[chroot]

ViewsofMars, this thread wasn't about you and your starry-eyed ideal relationship where nothing bad ever happens. Why are you so insistent about making the thread about you? Projection?

rumpyson, I'm just going to say it straight, man. You're a total *******. If you get angry at her for going away for a day with a girlfriend, you are unprepared for a serious relationship, and you need to spend some time getting your own, individual life in order. Your relationship isn't just about you, your needs, and your standards of conduct. I feel sorry for your girlfriend.

- Warren