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Post Funny One-Liners Here

  1. Apr 1, 2004 #1

    loseyourname

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    Jokes, insults, whatever. Let's see what you've got.
     
  2. jcsd
  3. Apr 1, 2004 #2
    "Christians- Can't live with 'em...
    Can't feed 'em to the lions anymore."
    -Bumper Sticker
     
  4. Apr 1, 2004 #3

    Janitor

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    I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.

    [Norm Crosby???]
     
  5. Apr 1, 2004 #4
    ouch. that hurt. but i'll live.

    some of my favorite one-liners:
    a) a truly wise man does not play leapfrog with a unicorn.
    b) accept that some days, you're the pigeon, and some days, you're the statue.
    c) a seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.
    d) frogs have it easy; they can eat what bugs them.
    e) the idea in life is to die young as late as possible.
     
  6. Apr 2, 2004 #5
    Love is a matter of chemistry, but sex is a matter of physics.
     
  7. Apr 2, 2004 #6

    Ivan Seeking

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    “Every morning I get up and read the obituaries...if I'm not mentioned I get dressed”. - George Burns

    Okay really that's a two liner so I cheated.

    “My wife is so skinny that she has to run back and forth in the shower just to get wet.” - Dean Martin's uncle.

    “If we can send a man to the moon then why don't we send all of them?” - Tsunami

    “Today in Fairbanks, Alaska, researchers discovered a superconductor that operates at room temperature”. - unknown

    Half of everything Njorl says.

    The trouble with the French is that they don't have a word for "entrepreneur". - George Bush

    There was a bad five car pile up on the I-5 this morning. Three people were killed; two seriously. - From a radio news report.

    During a professional baseball game, the radio announcer comments on a young couple, apparently newlyweds, that displayed an unusual amount of affection during the game. He continues...I guess they are cheering for opposite teams because he kisses her on the strikes and she kisses him on the balls. – From “Pardon my Blooper”

    The electron is not as simple as it looks. - (William) Lawrence Bragg, British Physicist(1890-1971)

    “The Americans invaders have been driven back” – The Iraqi spokesman, Baghdad Bob, who was speaking as the U.S. tanks pulled up in front of his hotel.

    What would chairs look like if people’s knees bent the other way?
     
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2004
  8. Apr 2, 2004 #7
    "In a world without fences, who needs Gates?" - I don't know where this came from.
     
  9. Apr 2, 2004 #8

    Tsu

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    If brains were made of gasoline, you wouldn't have enough to get a pissant's go-cart around the inside of a Fruit Loop. (author unknown)

    The sun don't shine on one dog's a$$ all the time. (my dad)

    Life is hard, but life is harder when you're dumb. (Austin City Lounge Lizards)
     
  10. Apr 2, 2004 #9

    Ivan Seeking

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    ya its tough when you come from the shallow end of the gene pool.
     
  11. Apr 2, 2004 #10
    Do not piss in our pool for we do not swim in your toilet bowl.
    Matthew Perry (Chandler Bing)
    Friends


    If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
    Isn't it scary that the word "therapist" is the same as the words "the" and "rapist" put together?

    If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
    Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
     
  12. Apr 2, 2004 #11

    ShawnD

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    good point....

    The dyslexic insomniac stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
     
  13. Apr 2, 2004 #12

    Monique

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    Really? :eek: :rolleyes: omg
     
  14. Apr 2, 2004 #13

    Tsu

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    Yes!! He actually said that!! :eek:

    edit: this is one of my favorites. We'll call this two one-liners. :smile:

    Walter Mondale: George Bush doesn't have the manhood to apologize.
    Bush: Well, on the manhood thing, I'll put mine up against his any time. :eek:
     
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2004
  15. Apr 2, 2004 #14

    Ivan Seeking

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    Tsu's father sent me the newspaper clipping from the Portland paper. We have it on the refrigerator.
     
  16. Apr 2, 2004 #15

    Kerrie

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    momma, don't let your cowboys grow up to be babies....

    silly cowboy, trucks are for girls....

    (no, i am not into the cowboy scene, but these are bumper stickers I saw that cracked me up)

    Driver has no cash, he is married.
     
  17. Apr 2, 2004 #16

    Evo

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    You forgot, it's the atheist, dyslexic, insomniac that was up all night wondering if there really was a dog...you BLEW it!!!
     
  18. Apr 2, 2004 #17

    Evo

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    "I hear voices...and they don't like you" a bumper sticker

    "If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?" - Scott Adams (1957 - )

    "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." - Dan Quayle (1947 - )

    "God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday." - Sir William Bragg (1862 - 1942)

    "Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons." - Woody Allen (1935 - )

    "Lying increases the creative faculties, expands the ego, and lessens the frictions of social contacts." - Clare Booth Luce (1903 - 1987)
     
  19. Apr 2, 2004 #18

    Monique

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    I stíll don't get it..
     
  20. Apr 2, 2004 #19
    I'm not illiterate, I know who my daddy is.
     
  21. Apr 2, 2004 #20

    Monique

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    oh wait.. i think i'm starting to get it now.. :eek:
    it's late.. :tongue:
     
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