Post Funny One-Liners Here

1. Apr 1, 2004

loseyourname

Staff Emeritus
Jokes, insults, whatever. Let's see what you've got.

2. Apr 1, 2004

one_raven

"Christians- Can't live with 'em...
Can't feed 'em to the lions anymore."
-Bumper Sticker

3. Apr 1, 2004

Janitor

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.

[Norm Crosby???]

4. Apr 1, 2004

angelical_kitten

ouch. that hurt. but i'll live.

some of my favorite one-liners:
a) a truly wise man does not play leapfrog with a unicorn.
b) accept that some days, you're the pigeon, and some days, you're the statue.
c) a seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.
d) frogs have it easy; they can eat what bugs them.
e) the idea in life is to die young as late as possible.

5. Apr 2, 2004

Macgyver

Love is a matter of chemistry, but sex is a matter of physics.

6. Apr 2, 2004

Ivan Seeking

Staff Emeritus
“Every morning I get up and read the obituaries...if I'm not mentioned I get dressed”. - George Burns

Okay really that's a two liner so I cheated.

“My wife is so skinny that she has to run back and forth in the shower just to get wet.” - Dean Martin's uncle.

“If we can send a man to the moon then why don't we send all of them?” - Tsunami

“Today in Fairbanks, Alaska, researchers discovered a superconductor that operates at room temperature”. - unknown

Half of everything Njorl says.

The trouble with the French is that they don't have a word for "entrepreneur". - George Bush

There was a bad five car pile up on the I-5 this morning. Three people were killed; two seriously. - From a radio news report.

During a professional baseball game, the radio announcer comments on a young couple, apparently newlyweds, that displayed an unusual amount of affection during the game. He continues...I guess they are cheering for opposite teams because he kisses her on the strikes and she kisses him on the balls. – From “Pardon my Blooper”

The electron is not as simple as it looks. - (William) Lawrence Bragg, British Physicist(1890-1971)

“The Americans invaders have been driven back” – The Iraqi spokesman, Baghdad Bob, who was speaking as the U.S. tanks pulled up in front of his hotel.

What would chairs look like if people’s knees bent the other way?

Last edited: Apr 2, 2004
7. Apr 2, 2004

Point_Particle

"In a world without fences, who needs Gates?" - I don't know where this came from.

8. Apr 2, 2004

Tsu

If brains were made of gasoline, you wouldn't have enough to get a pissant's go-cart around the inside of a Fruit Loop. (author unknown)

The sun don't shine on one dog's a all the time. (my dad)

Life is hard, but life is harder when you're dumb. (Austin City Lounge Lizards)

9. Apr 2, 2004

Ivan Seeking

Staff Emeritus
ya its tough when you come from the shallow end of the gene pool.

10. Apr 2, 2004

expscv

Do not piss in our pool for we do not swim in your toilet bowl.
Matthew Perry (Chandler Bing)
Friends

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Isn't it scary that the word "therapist" is the same as the words "the" and "rapist" put together?

If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

11. Apr 2, 2004

ShawnD

good point....

The dyslexic insomniac stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.

12. Apr 2, 2004

Monique

Staff Emeritus
Really? omg

13. Apr 2, 2004

Tsu

Yes!! He actually said that!!

edit: this is one of my favorites. We'll call this two one-liners.

Walter Mondale: George Bush doesn't have the manhood to apologize.
Bush: Well, on the manhood thing, I'll put mine up against his any time.

Last edited: Apr 2, 2004
14. Apr 2, 2004

Ivan Seeking

Staff Emeritus
Tsu's father sent me the newspaper clipping from the Portland paper. We have it on the refrigerator.

15. Apr 2, 2004

Kerrie

Staff Emeritus
momma, don't let your cowboys grow up to be babies....

silly cowboy, trucks are for girls....

(no, i am not into the cowboy scene, but these are bumper stickers I saw that cracked me up)

Driver has no cash, he is married.

16. Apr 2, 2004

Staff: Mentor

You forgot, it's the atheist, dyslexic, insomniac that was up all night wondering if there really was a dog...you BLEW it!!!

17. Apr 2, 2004

Staff: Mentor

"I hear voices...and they don't like you" a bumper sticker

"If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?" - Scott Adams (1957 - )

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." - Dan Quayle (1947 - )

"God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday." - Sir William Bragg (1862 - 1942)

"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons." - Woody Allen (1935 - )

"Lying increases the creative faculties, expands the ego, and lessens the frictions of social contacts." - Clare Booth Luce (1903 - 1987)

18. Apr 2, 2004

Monique

Staff Emeritus
I stíll don't get it..

19. Apr 2, 2004

tribdog

I'm not illiterate, I know who my daddy is.

20. Apr 2, 2004

Monique

Staff Emeritus
oh wait.. i think i'm starting to get it now..
it's late.. :tongue: