REAL girl trouble.... i feel horrible let me start off by saying that in the past 24 hours i have been through both the best and worst moments of my entire life, and it is the worst that are tearing me apart. this weekend was my highschool graduation ceremony/prom etc. Saturday morning we had the closing ceremony, where the awards are given, speeches are made, and the graduating class of 2006 was presented and awarded their diplomas. This was the greatest moment of my life, but I'm not going to go on about this section because thats not what this post is about. so saturday night is prom dinner/dance. I picked my gf up at 4:30, gave her the corsage, and I must say I was the happiest man alive. She looked absolutely beautiful, I couldn't help but thinking how happy I was to have such an incredible (not to mention gorgeous) girlfriend. (note she does not go to my school so she didn't really no anybody at the promm...this comes in later) So we went to a pre-prom party that a girl was hosting and had some champagne and watever. then we go to prom, in our limo, and prom is good, it's not great its good. my gf wasn't too interested in having her pic taken with me... which kinda hurt, and i'm not sure if that's significant or not, she insists its because she hates getting her pic taken. ok watever, thats fine. we went for a nice walk, but i couldn't help but think that she was a lot different. the first 4 months of our relationship were simply incredible. we were so close, we talked for hours every single night, and even when the phone convo consisted of us barely talking, falling asleep over the phone, it was amazing. the "spark" in our relationship was fantastic, we were so into each other in both physical and emotional/mental ways, it was the greatest feeling in teh world when she would just come up to me and wrap her amrs around me, or kiss me not caring who saw or where we were, and these kisses, the words kiss is an understatement, they were so passionate, full of love and affection, from both sides. in these first 4 months we could talk to each other about anything and everything, we NEVER HAD A SINGLE FIGHT, we complimented each other all the time, we could never get enough of each other, she would tell me things like "i could not imagine a more perfect boyfriend, all my friends agree that you are incredible" and stuff like that, when she told me she loved me, i felt it, i knew that the words were coming straight from her heart. a friend of mine said to me one day "jon, I've never seen you this happy in your entire life". he was completely right. the past month hasn't been so great, i think we've just both been insanely busy, but she's been very distant with me... or at least that's how i feel. the spark isn't there as much anymore. but i'll go on to the prom part. so after prom was the grad-boat, think of a club on a boat. this is where the best day of my life, turns into the worst. the boat is kidna late getting organised, and my gf is extremely tired. while waiting for the boat to get ready to load the ppl, i thought i saw that spark shine through, when she wrapped her amrs around me and held me close. we get on the boat and we go sit down at a table, because she is extremely tired. so as the cruise goes on i'm trying to make conversation with her, flirt a bit with her (if its called flirting whenits ur own gf) and i admit i was kinda clingy prolly, i'd say i was searching for our spark. she was pretty cold towards me, i'd try to create conversation by asking her what she wanted to do next time we get together (this is always an issue...coming up with what to do) and she'd turn to me for 2 seconds, mutter "i dunno watever we'll figure it out later". then she'd turn back to looking the other way. she insisted i go have fun, that she was tired and didn't want to do anything and that i go party with my friends. so i tried. but i'd look around me, and all i see is ppl with their dates, laughing, happy, kissing, and i felt a stinge of pain surge through me. this was a very special night for me... and i wanted my gf to share it with me. i couldn't go have fun while she sat at the table. i felt horrible. but then i look back, and she's talking to my friends date, smiling, laughing occasionally, emersed in a conversation... a conversation that she couldn't have with me. i'd go back, leave again, try to figure out what was happening. i asked her if she wanted to dance, no way, she "doesn't dance". i said not even for me? no. by this time i'm kinda hurt, kinda depresssed, kinda mad. i couldn't stand, or understand for that matter, how and why she was being so cold toward me. i left the table, grabbed soem drink (i think i chugged 3 beers right there) and went over to where my friend was on the upper deck staring down at the ppl on teh dance floor...all those ppl, with their dates, having fun, I could feel the love of the couples below just watching them dance/talk/smile. i look over at my gf where she sits, she glances back, then goes back to tlaking. then her and the other girl get up and walk away from teh table, my eyes follow them to the stairs, where they go down to the bottom deck where the dnace floor is. looking through the balcany thing (where u cud see the dance floor from the top deck) i saw them come from the stairwell toward the dance floor. my heart exploded. she wasn't dancing with other guys, (i was ready to go down there and break somebody's face if i saw any guy approach her) but she was still down tehre, she wouldn't leave the table with me, but the girl she met that night asks if she wants to leave and she does. i was pissed. so i go down there, see them, my gf sees me and stands there, looking at me. i had no idea what to say or do. so i walked over and got mad at her. all the bottled up emotion from the past month of our sparkless relationship combined with the distance and coldness from her of that night finally got to me, i didn't explode, but i got mad. i don't remember what i said but i remember her going back upstiars with me mad at me for getting mad at her. she insisted that she went to dance cuz everyone at the table had left to go, and she didn't want to sit there alone. but why wouldn't she come see me instead of go dance? (i asked) and she said she had no idea where i was. bull**** she saw me from teh table. she said she didn't understand how i was mad at her, we went into a huge argument, i forget most of it... but i remember not being able to get the words to explain my feelings out of my mouth, they came in a jumble and i couldn't explain... i wanted to so badly but i couldn't' speak. i had hurt her now, and i felt horrible. i couldn't believe i had just gotten mad at her, i am serious when i say i really love this girl, and i couldn't believe i had overreacted like i did and gotten in a fight iwth her...on my grad night... after 5 months going out. but did i overreact? i don't know, i remember appologizing and her saying "yea watever" and i did everything i could to convince her that i wasn't mad i was hurt but at the same time that didn't work out because i was appologizing and saying what was bothering me at the same time, they kinda contradicted each other and she was pretty mad at me by this time for reacting the way i did. the way she saw it, she did nothing wrong, the way i saw it, she treated me like ****. i couldn't take it any more, she wasn't talking about it with me, i asked ehr if we could go talk about it without ppl around and she gave me some cold answer. i left, i went downstairs. the cruise ended and i was stuck downstairs, they wudn't let me back up until the to pfloor had left. i met up with her again wheni got off the boat...she had waited for me. i went over, wrapped my arms around her and told her i loved her... i bet i was really convincing after what had happened on the boat. we got back in the limo and she calls her dad to tell her where to pick her up (the limo was takin us to a friends house of mine where she was getting picked up). i tried appologizing again, and she insisted that we were ok, that fights are bound to happen and pretty much she told me that we were all good... i knew that it wasn't the case but i liked hearing it anyway. she even kissed me goodbye. (wow, i had almost forgotten what a kiss was by this point). this just confused me more, she acts liek everything is alright but we both know that they're not. neway, i feel horrible. i don't knwo what to do. i love her, but i am so hurt... and at the same time i'm worried i hurt her, and htat makes me hurt even more. what i wouldn't give for our relationship to be like it used to be... with the spark strong in us. i'm so lost. the thing that hurts the most is that this was a really special night to me, and i wanted to share it with my gf. and in return i get a cold, distant, heartbreaker. i can't help but compare tonite to a night 3 months ago, whenw e went to a rock show. same kinda deal, dark, tons of ppl dancing, loud music. except at the rock show, she was so affectionate, even at the end of the night when she was tired, she didn't care if we made out for half an hour in front of the entire show, she didn't care what ppl thought. tonite, that spark was nto there.