REAL girl trouble i feel horrible

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In summary: and i felt like an outcast. so i left, came back to my dorm, and cried my eyes out. the next day my gf and i had a huge argument where she basically told me that she doesn't want to be with me and that our relationship is over. in summary, my gf went through the best and worst day of her life in the span of 24 hours, and the worst part is that i feel like i ruined it.
  • #1
rocketboy
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REAL girl trouble... i feel horrible

let me start off by saying that in the past 24 hours i have been through both the best and worst moments of my entire life, and it is the worst that are tearing me apart.

this weekend was my high school graduation ceremony/prom etc. Saturday morning we had the closing ceremony, where the awards are given, speeches are made, and the graduating class of 2006 was presented and awarded their diplomas. This was the greatest moment of my life, but I'm not going to go on about this section because that's not what this post is about.

so saturday night is prom dinner/dance. I picked my gf up at 4:30, gave her the corsage, and I must say I was the happiest man alive. She looked absolutely beautiful, I couldn't help but thinking how happy I was to have such an incredible (not to mention gorgeous) girlfriend. (note she does not go to my school so she didn't really no anybody at the promm...this comes in later) So we went to a pre-prom party that a girl was hosting and had some champagne and watever. then we go to prom, in our limo, and prom is good, it's not great its good. my gf wasn't too interested in having her pic taken with me... which kinda hurt, and I'm not sure if that's significant or not, she insists its because she hates getting her pic taken. ok watever, that's fine. we went for a nice walk, but i couldn't help but think that she was a lot different.

the first 4 months of our relationship were simply incredible. we were so close, we talked for hours every single night, and even when the phone convo consisted of us barely talking, falling asleep over the phone, it was amazing. the "spark" in our relationship was fantastic, we were so into each other in both physical and emotional/mental ways, it was the greatest feeling in teh world when she would just come up to me and wrap her amrs around me, or kiss me not caring who saw or where we were, and these kisses, the words kiss is an understatement, they were so passionate, full of love and affection, from both sides. in these first 4 months we could talk to each other about anything and everything, we NEVER HAD A SINGLE FIGHT, we complimented each other all the time, we could never get enough of each other, she would tell me things like "i could not imagine a more perfect boyfriend, all my friends agree that you are incredible" and stuff like that, when she told me she loved me, i felt it, i knew that the words were coming straight from her heart. a friend of mine said to me one day "jon, I've never seen you this happy in your entire life". he was completely right.

the past month hasn't been so great, i think we've just both been insanely busy, but she's been very distant with me... or at least that's how i feel. the spark isn't there as much anymore. but i'll go on to the prom part.

so after prom was the grad-boat, think of a club on a boat. this is where the best day of my life, turns into the worst. the boat is kidna late getting organised, and my gf is extremely tired. while waiting for the boat to get ready to load the ppl, i thought i saw that spark shine through, when she wrapped her amrs around me and held me close. we get on the boat and we go sit down at a table, because she is extremely tired. so as the cruise goes on I'm trying to make conversation with her, flirt a bit with her (if its called flirting whenits ur own gf) and i admit i was kinda clingy prolly, i'd say i was searching for our spark. she was pretty cold towards me, i'd try to create conversation by asking her what she wanted to do next time we get together (this is always an issue...coming up with what to do) and she'd turn to me for 2 seconds, mutter "i don't know watever we'll figure it out later". then she'd turn back to looking the other way. she insisted i go have fun, that she was tired and didn't want to do anything and that i go party with my friends. so i tried.

but i'd look around me, and all i see is ppl with their dates, laughing, happy, kissing, and i felt a stinge of pain surge through me. this was a very special night for me... and i wanted my gf to share it with me. i couldn't go have fun while she sat at the table. i felt horrible. but then i look back, and she's talking to my friends date, smiling, laughing occasionally, emersed in a conversation... a conversation that she couldn't have with me. i'd go back, leave again, try to figure out what was happening. i asked her if she wanted to dance, no way, she "doesn't dance". i said not even for me? no. by this time I'm kinda hurt, kinda depresssed, kinda mad. i couldn't stand, or understand for that matter, how and why she was being so cold toward me. i left the table, grabbed soem drink (i think i chugged 3 beers right there) and went over to where my friend was on the upper deck staring down at the ppl on teh dance floor...all those ppl, with their dates, having fun, I could feel the love of the couples below just watching them dance/talk/smile. i look over at my gf where she sits, she glances back, then goes back to tlaking. then her and the other girl get up and walk away from teh table, my eyes follow them to the stairs, where they go down to the bottom deck where the dnace floor is. looking through the balcany thing (where u cud see the dance floor from the top deck) i saw them come from the stairwell toward the dance floor.

my heart exploded. she wasn't dancing with other guys, (i was ready to go down there and break somebody's face if i saw any guy approach her) but she was still down tehre, she wouldn't leave the table with me, but the girl she met that night asks if she wants to leave and she does. i was pissed. so i go down there, see them, my gf sees me and stands there, looking at me. i had no idea what to say or do. so i walked over and got mad at her. all the bottled up emotion from the past month of our sparkless relationship combined with the distance and coldness from her of that night finally got to me, i didn't explode, but i got mad. i don't remember what i said but i remember her going back upstiars with me mad at me for getting mad at her. she insisted that she went to dance because everyone at the table had left to go, and she didn't want to sit there alone. but why wouldn't she come see me instead of go dance? (i asked) and she said she had no idea where i was. bull**** she saw me from teh table. she said she didn't understand how i was mad at her, we went into a huge argument, i forget most of it... but i remember not being able to get the words to explain my feelings out of my mouth, they came in a jumble and i couldn't explain... i wanted to so badly but i couldn't' speak.

i had hurt her now, and i felt horrible. i couldn't believe i had just gotten mad at her, i am serious when i say i really love this girl, and i couldn't believe i had overreacted like i did and gotten in a fight iwth her...on my grad night... after 5 months going out. but did i overreact? i don't know, i remember appologizing and her saying "yea watever" and i did everything i could to convince her that i wasn't mad i was hurt but at the same time that didn't work out because i was appologizing and saying what was bothering me at the same time, they kinda contradicted each other and she was pretty mad at me by this time for reacting the way i did. the way she saw it, she did nothing wrong, the way i saw it, she treated me like ****. i couldn't take it any more, she wasn't talking about it with me, i asked ehr if we could go talk about it without ppl around and she gave me some cold answer. i left, i went downstairs. the cruise ended and i was stuck downstairs, they wudn't let me back up until the to pfloor had left.

i met up with her again wheni got off the boat...she had waited for me. i went over, wrapped my arms around her and told her i loved her... i bet i was really convincing after what had happened on the boat. we got back in the limo and she calls her dad to tell her where to pick her up (the limo was takin us to a friends house of mine where she was getting picked up). i tried appologizing again, and she insisted that we were ok, that fights are bound to happen and pretty much she told me that we were all good... i knew that it wasn't the case but i liked hearing it anyway. she even kissed me goodbye. (wow, i had almost forgotten what a kiss was by this point). this just confused me more, she acts liek everything is alright but we both know that they're not.

neway, i feel horrible. i don't knwo what to do. i love her, but i am so hurt... and at the same time I'm worried i hurt her, and htat makes me hurt even more. what i wouldn't give for our relationship to be like it used to be... with the spark strong in us. I'm so lost. the thing that hurts the most is that this was a really special night to me, and i wanted to share it with my gf. and in return i get a cold, distant, heartbreaker. i can't help but compare tonite to a night 3 months ago, whenw e went to a rock show. same kinda deal, dark, tons of ppl dancing, loud music. except at the rock show, she was so affectionate, even at the end of the night when she was tired, she didn't care if we made out for half an hour in front of the entire show, she didn't care what ppl thought. tonite, that spark was nto there.
 
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  • #2
srry for the incoherent post I've had about an hour and a half of sleep and I'm in a bad state right now... i just read over what i wrote and it doesn't even begin to express the severity of what happened, or how I feel... so take what you get out of it and multiply how my emotions are portrayed by about a million and you should get how i feel.
 
  • #3
(Dude, you need to get yourself a blog. :wink: )

Which do you want more? Your special night to go well, or things to be good with your gf? Because in this circumstance, you had to make a choice.

Relationships do best when thinking of the other person. Sometimes one must compromise. That's how relationships last.



Also, you can't fix everything right away. If you race over to her house and club her with a thousand apologies, that won't make everything better.
 
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  • #4
Fights with your girlfriend are bound to happen man. I fight with mine, and we are fine either a few minutes afterwards or possibly a few hours later. If she loves you, then you don't need to worry about her taking off and going anywhere. I'm sure that things are fine with you guys. I owe you a congratulations too, the first fight in a relationship is a big step :) The pure puppy love stage doesn't last forever.

Also, keep in mind you were drinking, which doesn't help your perception of what was actually going on. I tend to be a jerk when drinking, so the solution was that I don't drink anymore.
 
  • #5
Yep, we've all been there at some point.

Sooner or later you realize that girls are rubbish.
 
  • #6
Well, all I can say is that you should not run to the bar the moment you feel bad about something. If I were in your position, I would not appologize for being angry. Why do you need to appologize to her when she's the one treating you bad?
 
  • #7
Rocketboy, I'm sorry to here about your bad night.

Conflicts/disagreements are bound to happen between individuals. It sounds like your girlfriend needs some space.

Rather than lose your temper, it would have been more appropriate to ask her "what's wrong?" A bit late for that now.

but i'd look around me, and all i see is ppl with their dates, laughing, happy, kissing, and i felt a stinge of pain surge through me. this was a very special night for me... and i wanted my gf to share it with me.
Don't compare your relationship with those of others. Yes it was your special night, but she was tired. You state that you wanted . . . , but did you think about what your gf wanted. In an intimate relationship, one has to be mindful of the others needs, as well as one's own.

. . . but why wouldn't she come see me instead of go dance? (i asked) and she said she had no idea where i was. bull**** she saw me from teh table.
She was tired, and you both "had some champagne and watever." That certainly may have affected your gf's feelings and thoughts. It's not clear where her mind was when she left the table with others. It seems you were at a different table.

As for over-reacting - well it seems one did, but then that is understandable given one's emotional state in conjunction with the consumption of alcohol.

i did everything i could to convince her that i wasn't mad i was hurt but at the same time that didn't work out because i was appologizing and saying what was bothering me at the same time, they kinda contradicted each other and she was pretty mad at me by this time for reacting the way i did. the way she saw it, she did nothing wrong, the way i saw it, she treated me like ****.
Um, but you were mad ('pissed' was the term you used). You should have been honest with her and yourself. Simply you should have told your gf that you were hurt and upset. But then both of you were probably not in a state where either could engage in a rational discussion.

i asked ehr if we could go talk about it without ppl around
It would seem it was a bit late for that. You should have asked her to talk about it when you first encountered her.

After the boat ride
i tried appologizing again, and she insisted that we were ok, that fights are bound to happen and pretty much she told me that we were all good...
Maybe you are good with her - it's hard to judge without knowing her side.

the thing that hurts the most is that this was a really special night to me, and i wanted to share it with my gf.
Well sure it hurts. But on the other hand, she was tired and consumed alcohol on top of that. She may have not wanted to go on the boat ride, and therefore she did it for you. At anytime, did you thank her for sharing that night with you?


People evolve, so your girlfriend of 4 months ago is not the same person today. Her needs now are not those of 4 months ago, and perhaps not even 1 month ago.

When men and women have 'sparks' in the beginning, it is really infatuation (being 'in love'), but many consider it to be 'love'. Infatuation can dissipate after a while, especially when one's preconceptions of the other person are not realized or are proven false. Love takes time to develop.

I hope things work out for both of you.
 
  • #8
First of all, thank you, I appreciate the comments/suggestions.

Astronuc said:
Rocketboy, I'm sorry to here about your bad night.

Conflicts/disagreements are bound to happen between individuals. It sounds like your girlfriend needs some space.

She's had tons of space the past month, I've seen her i think twice, one of which was last night.

Astronuc said:
Rather than lose your temper, it would have been more appropriate to ask her "what's wrong?" A bit late for that now.

I actually picked up on her attitude a little bit earlier while on the dock waiting for teh boat, and I asked her what was bothering her. She got really defensive and said "nothing, why do you think that? I hate it when people assume something is wrong how would you know, you overreact too much"

Astronuc said:
She was tired, and you both "had some champagne and watever." That certainly may have affected your gf's feelings and thoughts. It's not clear where her mind was when she left the table with others. It seems you were at a different table.
My gf didn't have any champagne, and she did not drink a drop the entire night.

Astronuc said:
Um, but you were mad ('pissed' was the term you used). You should have been honest with her and yourself. Simply you should have told your gf that you were hurt and upset. But then both of you were probably not in a state where either could engage in a rational discussion.

I tried, but unfortunately this was after I had gotten mad at her. I tried explaining that I was hurt and why, but it came out in a jumbled mess... I forget what her response was.

Astronuc said:
She may have not wanted to go on the boat ride, and therefore she did it for you. At anytime, did you thank her for sharing that night with you?

While waiting to get on teh boat I saw that she looked really tired and not into the boat, and I offered to do something else instead. She insisted we go on the boat.

I did thank her, but that was at the prom when things were good, while we were going on our walk. I thanked her for coming iwth me and told her it meant a lot to me that she could be there with me.
Astronuc said:
When men and women have 'sparks' in the beginning, it is really infatuation (being 'in love'), but many consider it to be 'love'. Infatuation can dissipate after a while, especially when one's preconceptions of the other person are not realized or are proven false. Love takes time to develop.

I hope things work out for both of you.

Yes, I agree, the spark was infatuation... but I also believe that I do love her, at least I do now. Perhaps she has realized over the past 5 months that she does not love me, that her perceptions of me were not what she realized. Perhaps that is why the infatuation isn't evident any longer.

you say that love takes time to develop, i agree, but does infatuation not last throughout this time?

I don't know what to do, I want to explain to her how I feel, just pour it all out but I'm afraid of what that might bring. At the same time I want to just leave it and see if it will pass. But burrying the past isn't going to help I don't think, I think we need to be able to talk to each other, to support each other, and confide in one another.

Actually, what I really want is her to pour her feelings out to me. I want to know her side, from the heart. I want to know how she feels about everything, about me. She has insisted for the past month that everything is alright, but I can tell that it isn't. I keep trying to convince myself it is just because she is so busy. (a couple weeks ago she worked 39 hours at her job ontop of her high school courses AND soccer). So I've tried to convince myself that this is why she has been so distant with me the past month, but I can't help feeling that something else is up. SO i feel like crap, and then I finally talk to her (we no longer talk long hours all the time) she succeeds in making me feel as if everything is perfect, adn we are liek we always have been. She's taking my emotions on a crazy roller coster ride. I want to know what is going on.
 
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  • #9
Aww, first fights are tough. I guess the honeymoon is over. :wink: If you've gone this long before a fight, you'll probably be just fine. It sounds like her having been drinking and then being tired (maybe related...I know if I drink too much, I just get very tired too) just left her in a bit of a grouchy mood, and then you had different expectations for the evening, and you weren't tired, so you were disappointed with the way the party went, so that put you in a grouchy mood. And, well, when both people are in a grouchy mood at the same time, that's when you get into a fight, because neither of you can just step back and take a moment to calm the other down.

Give her the day to calm down (in case she needs it) and call her later in the afternoon or evening and just ask how she's feeling. It's an open-ended enough question that her response will tell you if she wants to talk about the party, or even if there is something to talk about. She could answer anything from "hung-over" or "I think I'm coming down with something" (i.e., tired last night because she was sick), to "okay" to "not so great."

Good luck. :smile:

Edit: Just saw your other message that she wasn't drinking...then just tired...maybe she wasn't feeling well all evening, but didn't want to spoil your evening, so tried to just be a trooper for you, and by the end of the night, she just hit her breaking point.
 
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  • #10
You are acting too clingy... In my opinion, you got to think of yourself first, then think about the relationship. I know relationships are 50-50, but you should always ask yourself: "Am i getting what i want out of this?", because if you're not, it isn't working. In this case, it looks like a simple casual fight.

About what you want: Well I've found from experience, that if you want her to see how you feel, you should act it and not say it. It works best. Also never overanalyze, it's just more pressure (it was just a casual fight, not the end).

I know in the first relationships, you will be letting your emotions dictate what to do. Mostly they are irrational decisions which could lead to failure. Sometimes you need to stop yourself, and ask yourself "What's going on?", "How should i proceed with this?", etc... instead of just bothering the partner with thousand apologies, thousands questions like "are we ok?", "do you still love me?" "what's wrong?", etc...
 
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  • #11
brewnog said:
Sooner or later you realize that girls are rubbish.
:devil:
 
  • #12
Moonbear said:
Edit: Just saw your other message that she wasn't drinking...then just tired...maybe she wasn't feeling well all evening, but didn't want to spoil your evening, so tried to just be a trooper for you, and by the end of the night, she just hit her breaking point.

the thing is, it's been a consistent feeling in me that she... i don't know i feel as if she's been very distant with me for the past month, not just last night. Everytime I talk to her this feeling goes away, but then the next day it's there again. and then when we finally get together, such as last night, it's more than a feeling. She insists nothing is wrong but... maybe that's true... I want it to be true, but could my emotions be that wrong? She kinda brought this up when i asked her what was bothering her last night, she said "lately you have been telling me that I've been acting wierd" (this was after her rant on me assuming something was bothering her etc... see above post). I didn't know what to say, she has been acting wierd. I want to talk to her seriously about it, but she gets so defensive when I say anything like that toward her, another sign to me that somethign is up.
 
  • #13
Cyclovenom said:
You are acting too clingy... In my opinion, you got to think of yourself first, then think about the relationship. I know relationships are 50-50, but you should always ask yourself: "Am i getting what i want out of this?", because if you're not, it isn't working. In this case, it looks like a simple casual fight.

About what you want: Well I've found from experience, that if you want her to see how you feel, you should act it and not say it. It works best. Also never overanalyze, it's just more pressure (it was just a casual fight, not the end).

I know in the first relationships, you will be letting your emotions dictate what to do. Mostly they are irrational decisions which could lead to failure. Sometimes you need to stop yourself, and ask yourself "What's going on?", "How should i proceed with this?", etc... instead of just bothering the partner with thousand apologies, thousands questions like "are we ok?", "do you still love me?" "what's wrong?", etc...

I don't even know what I want out of the relationship. What does anyone want out of a relationship? Somebody to trust, to love, to be there for you.

All I know is that I've never felt this way about anybody before, I've been calling it love but, I'm only (almost) 18, I have no idea what love is right?

I make a point not to ask her the stupid thousand quetions like "are we ok" or "do you still love me"...I should be able to tell. the "what's wrong" quetsion I ask because I can tell somethign is wrong, and I liek to think that as her bf I can support her and help her if something is. Because i care, about her, about us.

Edit: Actually now that I think about it "what's wrong" sounds very...insecure kinda. well i dunno, at the same time I only ask what's wrong because I care, I hate seeing my gf down, and I want to do anything I can to help her out. I'm so confused and lost.

DaveC426913 said:
Which do you want more? Your special night to go well, or things to be good with your gf? Because in this circumstance, you had to make a choice.

Relationships do best when thinking of the other person. Sometimes one must compromise. That's how relationships last.

I'm always thinking of her. Last night what was I supposed to do though? I mean, I would much rather save my relationship then make my night go well, I really wasn't thinking of making it "a night to remember" the whole time I was thinking of how I could get through to my gf who had been practically ignoring me the whole time.

my night going well and things being good with my gf i kind of saw as the same thing. If things were good with her I think the night would have been a special one, but I didn't caer about my night, all I care about is my gf and our relationship.
 
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  • #14
I agree with Moonbear's assessment. However, on the other hand, you indicate your gf has been distant - so something is going on. If she can't tell you about her thoughts or feelings, that is not a good sign.

. . . and I asked her what was bothering her. She got really defensive and said "nothing, why do you think that? I hate it when people assume something is wrong how would you know, you overreact too much"
Well, at that point, it would have been appropriate to mention that she seemed distant.

But burying the past isn't going to help I don't think,
Ignoring what happened won't solve whatever problem exists.

I think we need to be able to talk to each other, to support each other, and confide in one another.
Yes, that is true for any relationship, particularly such an intimate relationship, and certainly for a marriage to work.

Actually, what I really want is her to pour her feelings out to me. I want to know her side, from the heart. I want to know how she feels about everything, about me.
That is reasonable. But it is up to her to share her feelings. I would propose that you see her face to face and tell her that what you really want is for her to pour her feelings out to me. I want to know her side, from the heart. But rather than ask her about her feelings toward you, ask her about where she is about herself and her future.

What does anyone want out of a relationship? Somebody to trust, to love, to be there for you.
Yes, that is pretty much it. My wife is my life partner - we deal with life together - but we also have our own interests which are different.

I have no idea what love is right?
You seem to get the general idea.

you say that love takes time to develop, i agree, but does infatuation not last throughout this time?
Infatuation (unrealistic perspective) can develop/evolve into romance - that very special feeling toward one's partner. Sustained romance may take some effort. For many relationships, romance can dwindle or completely disappear - such would be the case in most divorces. Romance doesn't necessarily have to dissipate or die.

Both partners have to be able to talk freely and exchange thoughts and feelings, and even express dissatisfaction and anger with the other. A good, sound relationship will survive the downs.

Go with Moonbear's recommendations, and give her a day or two, and then go see her.
 
  • #15
Perhaps this fight will turn out to be a good thing... perhaps it will give us an opportunity to share our feelings with each other, maybe by getting through this together we will develop the ability to "talk freely and exchange thoughts and feelings, and even express dissatisfaction and anger with the other." (thanks astronuc) Maybe through this she will pour her feelings out to me and at the same time I can do the same, and then we will both know where we stand in our own eyes and each others, and from there we can go on.

When you say "give her a day or two" do you mean seeing her or talking to her at all? Should I call her tonite, or is that too soon after?

Maybe if I giver her a couple days alone, she'll work out where she stands and then when I do talk to her we can work out where we stand.

Who knows, maybe she will even call me... that would make me so happy right now.
 
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  • #16
My answers:

1C
2B
3C
4A
5A
6C
7A
8B
9A
10B
11C
12C
 
  • #17
rocketboy said:
When you say "give her a day or two" do you mean seeing her or talking to her at all? Should I call her tonite, or is that too soon after?
It's hard to tell without knowing where her mind is.

Consider sending her flowers with a card and short note, that you wish to talk with her and that you love her.

Personally, I prefer face-to-face in person, but that may not be where she is. I also prefer not to impose on people.

So if I were in your situation, I'd personally deliver some flowers with a card, I'd tell her that I love her, and that I'd like to make the relationship work. If she would be non-responsive or declined, I'd leave and tell her to call me when she feels up to it. You could ask her if she just wants to drop it, but in my case, I don't like leaving things hanging and unresolved.

rocketboy said:
Maybe if I giver her a couple days alone, she'll work out where she stands and then when I do talk to her we can work out where we stand.

Who knows, maybe she will even call me... that would make me so happy right now.
Perhaps. Yeah, it certainly would make it easier if that were the case.

I don't know if this would work, but if she likes music, think about sending her Natalie Cole's CD "Unforgettable". I mentioned it in another thread.

The title song "Unforgettable" lyrics:

Unforgettable, that's what you are
Unforgettable though near or far
Like a song of love that clings to me
How the thought of you does things to me
Never before has someone been more

Unforgettable in every way
And forever more, that's how you'll stay
That's why, darling, it's incredible
That someone so unforgettable
Thinks that I am unforgettable too

<instrumental interlude>
No never before
has someone been more ooh

Unforgettable in every way
And forever more, that's how you'll stay
That's why, darling, it's incredible
That someone so unforgettable
Thinks that I am unforgettable too
 
  • #18
brewnog said:
Yep, we've all been there at some point.

Sooner or later you realize that girls are rubbish.
:smile:
Well how would you know about later? Perhaps you realize something else when you grow older...:wink:
 
  • #19
Cyclovenom said:
You are acting too clingy... In my opinion, you got to think of yourself first, then think about the relationship. I know relationships are 50-50, but you should always ask yourself: "Am i getting what i want out of this?", because if you're not, it isn't working. In this case, it looks like a simple casual fight.

I think CYclovenom makes an excellent point here, with exception to the casual fight. I would gather to guess that she has a lot more to say to you then what she is actually saying. I would say the only reason she was being calm with you, such as following through with the motions at the end of the night with a kiss, is because she didn't want to make a scene. It sounds like she acted like a total ***** for the entire night and then "made things better" at the end of the night. As brewnog put it:

brewnog said:
Sooner or later you realize that girls are rubbish.

Really though. You have to be happy by yourself if you ever want to be happy in a relationship. If you act all needy , like you need her to be happy, she will test your limits and hurt you many times over. You must be able to be happy by yourself. You should not need anyone else to make you happy. People can make your life MORE happy, but they shouldn't make you happy.

Consider this. You buy a brand new puppy. That puppy will show you unconditional love. It will give you affection no manner what. Don't believe me? Try beating it. It will cower in a corner for awhile, but sooner or later it will come back to you and love you again. All it needs is to be recharged with a few pets on the head, and "good boy" comments. You will soon realize that you can do anything to this dog but it will come back, thus unconditional love, or a** kissing love.

It sounds like this girl is doing the same thing to you. She's breaking you down, because you are dependent on her to be happy. She will hit you (not talk to you), you will cower in a corner (venture away from her). Yet you will always come back, and she will then recharge you with a slight hint of affection (a kiss, a long hug). Girls will do this all the time. They test their limits. (I'm going to get s*** over this I'm sure, so let me at least say EVERYONE not girls specifically test their limits).

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I've been there.

I'll quote a movie for you:
Ferris Bueller said:
Cameron has never been in love - at least, nobody's ever been in love with him. If things don't change for him, he's going to marry the first girl he lays, and she's going to treat him like ****, because she will have given him what he has built up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existence. She won't respect him, 'cause you can't respect somebody who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work.

You have EVERY right to be mad at her man. Stop apologizing to her, stop apologizing for all your actions. Start talking to other girls. If you want this girl back you need to show her that you can live just fine without her.

Here's an idea:Tell her that you guys need to talk. Tell her that you are going to have a conversation in a couple days about what happened. DO NOT talk to her for a few days. If she calls DO NOT answer your phone (I mean unless it is really important like she broke her arm playing soccer or something). Let her just think over everything under the condtion that you are mad, and you are not going to take it anymore. When you talk, let her know that you do not want to be in a relationship like this. And this is the hard part. BEFORE you have the conversaiton, ask yourself if you truly do. Do you want to deal with this hurt? Do you want to be stood up on an important night like that? You MUST decide this before you talk. Do not be weak or insecure with any of this. But DO NOT be aggressive like you are giving her an ultimatum. Get it through your head that you are not giving her a choice, you are letting her know that you are done with the way she is acting and make it permanent. So that the next time you are together and she asks you to go buy her some icecream in the middle of the night, she better be pregnant because you are done catering to all her desires. Don't tell her this, just stop jumping through hoops all the time. That's what I mean about it being permanent.
 
  • #20
You know, rocketboy. First off, you need to be realistic the relationship might not live past high school. Now, in my opinion if she's acting distance, she could be having doubts about the "us". The solution i see for you, it's not to ask what's wrong, but to make her feel comfortable about the "us". Do some special things for her, like write her a letter, maybe plan a suprise, etc... Give her a thrill (a good time). Give her time for her to share with you what's wrong, you can't force it out of her. Good luck, i hope all works fine.

By the way, great reply FrogPad. It may seem like he's wrong, but he's right. What I've learned from my experiences follows what he's saying.

Frankly, i am not sure, rocketboy. Are you a pushover? does she seem to have the upper hand in the relationship (asking for ridiculous favours)? if that's not true, then my advice is fine, else i'd go with FrogPad's.
 
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  • #21
Astronuc said:
It's hard to tell without knowing where her mind is.

Consider sending her flowers with a card and short note, that you wish to talk with her and that you love her.

Personally, I prefer face-to-face in person, but that may not be where she is. I also prefer not to impose on people.

So if I were in your situation, I'd personally deliver some flowers with a card, I'd tell her that I love her, and that I'd like to make the relationship work. If she would be non-responsive or declined, I'd leave and tell her to call me when she feels up to it. You could ask her if she just wants to drop it, but in my case, I don't like leaving things hanging and unresolved.

I can't leave thigns hanging and unresolved, but if it turns out that is what she wants, if she wants to just move on and leave it behind, well, I'd do anything for her.

I too prefer in person, there is no way I could talk about our issue over the phone. However, it's difficult to just show up and deliver flowers, as much as I love the idea. She lives a 15 minute drive from me, and that means I need to use my dad's vehicle. Also I can't be sure she will be home because she has such a busy schedule, and finally, I don't want her parents wondering what is up... her parents love me, it's not that I'm afraid of them, but I want to keep it between her and I.

I'm thinking give her a couple days, then call her (unless she calls me before then) and then ask her when she will be home and I can stop by? Then I take the flowers?

Astronuc said:
Perhaps. Yeah, it certainly would make it easier if that were the case.

I don't know if this would work, but if she likes music, think about sending her Natalie Cole's CD "Unforgettable". I mentioned it in another thread.

The title song "Unforgettable" lyrics:

Unforgettable, that's what you are
Unforgettable though near or far
Like a song of love that clings to me
How the thought of you does things to me
Never before has someone been more

Unforgettable in every way
And forever more, that's how you'll stay
That's why, darling, it's incredible
That someone so unforgettable
Thinks that I am unforgettable too

<instrumental interlude>
No never before
has someone been more ooh

Unforgettable in every way
And forever more, that's how you'll stay
That's why, darling, it's incredible
That someone so unforgettable
Thinks that I am unforgettable too

wow... Astronuc, I must say you are my hero.
 
  • #22
FrogPad said:
I think CYclovenom makes an excellent point here, with exception to the casual fight. I would gather to guess that she has a lot more to say to you then what she is actually saying. I would say the only reason she was being calm with you, such as following through with the motions at the end of the night with a kiss, is because she didn't want to make a scene. It sounds like she acted like a total ***** for the entire night and then "made things better" at the end of the night. As brewnog put it:



Really though. You have to be happy by yourself if you ever want to be happy in a relationship. If you act all needy , like you need her to be happy, she will test your limits and hurt you many times over. You must be able to be happy by yourself. You should not need anyone else to make you happy. People can make your life MORE happy, but they shouldn't make you happy.

Consider this. You buy a brand new puppy. That puppy will show you unconditional love. It will give you affection no manner what. Don't believe me? Try beating it. It will cower in a corner for awhile, but sooner or later it will come back to you and love you again. All it needs is to be recharged with a few pets on the head, and "good boy" comments. You will soon realize that you can do anything to this dog but it will come back, thus unconditional love, or a** kissing love.

It sounds like this girl is doing the same thing to you. She's breaking you down, because you are dependent on her to be happy. She will hit you (not talk to you), you will cower in a corner (venture away from her). Yet you will always come back, and she will then recharge you with a slight hint of affection (a kiss, a long hug). Girls will do this all the time. They test their limits. (I'm going to get s*** over this I'm sure, so let me at least say EVERYONE not girls specifically test their limits).

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I've been there.

I'll quote a movie for you:


You have EVERY right to be mad at her man. Stop apologizing to her, stop apologizing for all your actions. Start talking to other girls. If you want this girl back you need to show her that you can live just fine without her.

Here's an idea:Tell her that you guys need to talk. Tell her that you are going to have a conversation in a couple days about what happened. DO NOT talk to her for a few days. If she calls DO NOT answer your phone (I mean unless it is really important like she broke her arm playing soccer or something). Let her just think over everything under the condtion that you are mad, and you are not going to take it anymore. When you talk, let her know that you do not want to be in a relationship like this. And this is the hard part. BEFORE you have the conversaiton, ask yourself if you truly do. Do you want to deal with this hurt? Do you want to be stood up on an important night like that? You MUST decide this before you talk. Do not be weak or insecure with any of this. But DO NOT be aggressive like you are giving her an ultimatum. Get it through your head that you are not giving her a choice, you are letting her know that you are done with the way she is acting and make it permanent. So that the next time you are together and she asks you to go buy her some icecream in the middle of the night, she better be pregnant because you are done catering to all her desires. Don't tell her this, just stop jumping through hoops all the time. That's what I mean about it being permanent.

I think you are right, I back down too easily, I was too quick to appologize, I shouldn't even have I had every right to be mad at her, and I have to let her know that she can't push me around.

BUT, at the same time I don't think she's "testing" me. She never asks me for favors and stuff, never uses me like the "ice cream in the middle of the night" thing. My best friends gf does that to him, and he falls for it, my gf has never asked me to pick her up somewhere, or do any favors for her. She is very independent and doesn't ask me for unnecessary favors.

It's funny what you say about talking to other girls etc showing ehr I can live without her. She doesn't care...perhaps because she knows that I love her and only her. I was talking to other girls last night, hell, I got my gf to take the pictures of me with the other girls (they were long time friends its not like I randomly picked up a chick for a photo) but still.

I think I"m going to merge responses. I like astronuc's idea, a lot, because it shows compassion and caring. But at the same time, when we do have that talk I'm going to let her know that I cannot be pushed around, whether that is what she has been doing to me or not. I am going to explain to ehr how I see things.

As for teh summer thing, I am not sure it will continue after summer...see, about 2 months ago when we were at that peak of intimacy in our relationsihhp, we talked about it. We both agreed that it would probably not work past the end of the summer, but to play it by ear and cross that bridge when we came to it, we really didn't like the topic of me leaving.

I don't know what to do, I have the angel and devil on my shoulder right now pulling me in two direcitons.
 
  • #23
Cyclovenom said:
You know, rocketboy. First off, you need to be realistic the relationship might not live past high school. Now, in my opinion if she's acting distance, she could be having doubts about the "us". The solution i see for you, it's not to ask what's wrong, but to make her feel comfortable about the "us". Do some special things for her, like write her a letter, maybe plan a suprise, etc... Give her a thrill (a good time). Give her time for her to share with you what's wrong, you can't force it out of her. Good luck, i hope all works fine.

By the way, great reply FrogPad. It may seem like he's wrong, but he's right. What I've learned from my experiences follows what he's saying.
Cyclovenom makes some good points. You are both young.

My wife explained to me earlier that she broke up with her boyfriend at the end of senior year in HS because she felt she needed to date others. She wasn't ready for an exclusive relationship at that point, despite the fact that her boyfriend wanted to marry her. I suspect her boyfriends were strongly motivated by the desire for sex. I met her 11 years later.

I'm thinking give her a couple days, then call her (unless she calls me before then) and then ask her when she will be home and I can stop by? Then I take the flowers?
That might work.

Just don't push things.

I don't know if the CD will work, but it seems a nice thought. :rolleyes:
 
  • #24
NO NO NO! Flowers? Why don't you just mail her your balls.

Rule #1 never take advice about women from women.
Read this.

http://www.ironmagazineforums.com/showthread.php?t=65412

Quit acting like a wussy and be a man, or she will walk and you will cry. It WILL happen. I have lived in your shoes more than once.

You are a child, she is a child. Sappy romantic stuff only works in movies. One apology and leave it do NOTHING let her chase and come around if it takes a month.

5 months is about the time when people decide if they want to walk from the relationship or try to make it work. Youve just given her a perfect out. You must let her chase you or its done.
 
  • #25
Cyclovenom said:
Frankly, i am not sure, rocketboy. Are you a pushover? does she seem to have the upper hand in the relationship (asking for ridiculous favours)? if that's not true, then my advice is fine, else i'd go with FrogPad's.

She never asks for any favors let alone ridiculous ones. I drove her to a track meet once when her parent were away for the weekend, but that's not ridiculous, I was glad I could help out... she needed a ride, I had use of a car and I was going out anyway.

Actually, it's the opposite, she walked home from school before when her parents couldn't give her a ride. That's like a 40 minute walk. When she told me I said to her, next time call me and I'll give you a ride. (i actually just didn't really like the idea of her wlaking alone for 40 minutes). She said that she didn't wany me going out of my way for her. (she's very athletic so she didn't really care about walking that far.)

I don't think I'm a pushover, in fact I'm far from it. At the same time, she probably does have teh upper hand, just because it appears that I need her more than she needs me. But I'm no pushover.
 
  • #26
nsimmons said:
Rule #1 never take advice about women from women.
Read this.
Is it a joke?:confused:

The only thing I can say is that never take advice from kiddies, just try to find some mature and wise people, and ask them to share their experiences with you!
 
  • #27
nsimmons said:
One apology and leave it do NOTHING let her chase and come around if it takes a month.

5 months is about the time when people decide if they want to walk from the relationship or try to make it work. Youve just given her a perfect out. You must let her chase you or its done.

So don't talk it over with her? I don't think so. I think I have to have the talk with her, and during that talk show her that I am a man, tell her how things are and tell her how she's been acting. Once we've talked it over, then I can let her come after me, I'll have done my part.

AAAH I have no idea.
 
  • #28
she will walk and he will cry...

rocketboy I am deadly serious, don't listen to any women on this topic

you're dealing with a teenage girls mindset, mature and wise doesn't fit in.
 
  • #29
Lisa! said:
Is it a joke?:confused:

The only thing I can say is that never take advice from kiddies, just try to find some mature and wise people, and ask them to share their experiences with you

Like Astronuc... I think your advice is the most valuable that I've gotten. I don't want to ignore her and let her come after me, I want to work things out as a couple.

nsimmons said:
she will walk and he will cry...

rocketboy I am deadly serious, don't listen to any women on this topic

you're dealing with a teenage girls mindset, mature and wise doesn't fit in.

I have tried letting ehr come after me, I said above how she has been distant the past month, not calling, even when she said she would. I ignored it, I didn't call her even though every inch of my body was twitching to pick up that phone. She called, eventually, but it wasn't as if she came running after me. If I ignore her and let her come to me she will walk...she will think "I don't wnat a relationship with somebody who doesn't care about me". Yes? No?

EDIT: she is a teenage girl...but she is very mature, more mature than many young adults I have met, and I have been told by many that I am as well.
 
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  • #30
rocketboy said:
So don't talk it over with her? I don't think so. I think I have to have the talk with her, and during that talk show her that I am a man, tell her how things are and tell her how she's been acting. Once we've talked it over, then I can let her come after me, I'll have done my part.

AAAH I have no idea.


Women, 'talk things over' if you do her job in the relationship it will immasculate you in her eyes. You must act as an indifferent and let her do the emotional work. If you try to make it better it will backfire.

Logic and reason do not apply here. This is a young woman, whatever you think is the right thing to do DONT DO IT.

Go do a dating forum and ask other men who know how the game is played.
 
  • #31
rocketboy said:
Like Astronuc... I think your advice is the most valuable that I've gotten. I don't want to ignore her and let her come after me, I want to work things out as a couple.

No!


She called, eventually,
GOOD!

If I ignore her and let her come to me she will walk...she will think "I don't wnat a relationship with somebody who doesn't care about me". Yes? No?

NO NO NO!

A woman is an emotional creature you must keep her swimming in emotions good or bad.
You want her to think she has to work to keep you. You must realize she probably doesn't want a long term relationship anyway, but if you keep her on her toes with a challenge it will be interesting and she'll hang around. No wonder she's been distant, she's BORED with you.

You must always be a challenge, you must make it her job to 'win' you. You are the prize, you must always present a challenge for her.

If she's not willing to try a little to keep you, you think she is going to want to hang around for the long term. Better to have her decide now than after 2 years of you struggling to hold it together to have her leave anyway.
 
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  • #32
nsimmons said:
A woman is an emotional creature you must keep her swimming in emotions good or bad.
You want her to think she has to work to keep you. You must realize she probably doesn't want a long term relationship anyway, but if you keep her on her toes with a challenge it will be interesting and she'll hang around. No wonder she's been distant, she's BORED with you.

You must always be a challenge, you must make it her job to 'win' you. You are the prize, you must always present a challenge for her.

If she's not willing to try a little to keep you, you think she is going to want to hang around for the long term. Better to have her decide now than after 2 years of you struggling to hold it together to have her leave anyway.

I think you are right. i think she IS bored of me. But man... last night I left her at the table to go party with some friends, and I look back and she's having fun talking to the girl beside her! The thought that I didn't care she wasn't with me didn't bother her, or maybe that is just because I had already told her at that point I wanted to be with her that night...

hmm...what if I invited her to the movies with a bunch of friends of mine, and then got my friend Cat to flirt with me the whole time?

damnt i hate doing that...it's so... sleezy... but at teh same time...my gf wud prolly eat it up, maybe it would become a competition between the two, maybe she would try to flirt with me more than my friend. THEN i don't call her for a couple days, wait for her to call me. let her think I don't need her and that maybe I've been talking to other ppl.

MAN but i HATE playing games... I'm trying to think how I kept her interested the first 4 months...I don't think I"VE changed...
 
  • #33
rocketboy said:
Like Astronuc... I think your advice is the most valuable that I've gotten. I don't want to ignore her and let her come after me, I want to work things out as a couple.



I have tried letting ehr come after me, I said above how she has been distant the past month, not calling, even when she said she would. I ignored it, I didn't call her even though every inch of my body was twitching to pick up that phone. She called, eventually, but it wasn't as if she came running after me. If I ignore her and let her come to me she will walk...she will think "I don't wnat a relationship with somebody who doesn't care about me". Yes? No?

EDIT: she is a teenage girl...but she is very mature, more mature than many young adults I have met, and I have been told by many that I am as well.

She may be 'mature' in some ways, but being so young she is definitely not emotionally mature. I went through a similar (eerily similar) situation last year and I thought that I was in love as well. Eventually I decided to tell her that we needed a break. A couple of days later she was all ready to work things back out, and at first I thought that is what I wanted to do as well. The next day though (when we were supposed to meet), I told her that it was over. I felt horrible for about a week, but after that, I realized how much that relationship for the last month was emotional torture. I was finally able to resume being happy as an individual, and was not depending on someone else for happiness. This relationship made my other relationships much easier to deal with. It was a lesson.
 
  • #34
you know what...i was just thinking. one of my best friends has this gf, she's all over him all the time. and its funny, because he never calls her, she always calls him, he never asks her to hang out, she is always asking him to hang out. and he TRULY acts as if he woldn't give a rats ass if she left him, all the time, but when they are together he treats her right, but she knows that he can do without her.
 
  • #35
Omega_6 said:
She may be 'mature' in some ways, but being so young she is definitely not emotionally mature. I went through a similar (eerily similar) situation last year and I thought that I was in love as well. Eventually I decided to tell her that we needed a break. A couple of days later she was all ready to work things back out, and at first I thought that is what I wanted to do as well. The next day though (when we were supposed to meet), I told her that it was over. I felt horrible for about a week, but after that, I realized how much that relationship for the last month was emotional torture. I was finally able to resume being happy as an individual, and was not depending on someone else for happiness. This relationship made my other relationships much easier to deal with. It was a lesson.

Funny, I was just thinking of a similar idea...to go on a "break" and let her come after me. But the thing is, I don't think she would come back, now what does taht say about our relationship? If she wants me she'll come back right? And if she doesn't care we're on a break...then well it is obvious that she isn't into me, and why am I in the relationship?
 

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