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References for Improving and Maintaining Relationships

  1. Jan 2, 2015 #1

    SixNein

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    Gold Member

    The following are some good references that I recommend on building and maintain relationships:

    Dating:
    Every person should read about attachment theory. An understanding of attachment theory allows one to not only understand his or her self, but it will also help understand partners.
    https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1...N=1585429139&linkCode=as2&tag=viglink20267-20

    Long Term:
    Men an women have different emotional needs. If one doesn't meet the needs of a partner, it can lead to affairs.
    https://www.amazon.com/His-Needs-Her-Building-Affair-Proof/dp/0800744233

    Learn how to get over petty things:
    https://www.amazon.com/The-Secrets-Happily-Married-Couples/dp/1593374895

    Keep the passion going on in a relationship throughout the long term:
    https://www.amazon.com/Passionate-Marriage-Intimacy-Committed-Relationships/dp/0393334279

    Effective Communication:
    https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Yes-Yourself-Worthy-Opponents/dp/0062363387/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8
    https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past...-Situations/dp/0553371312/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8
    https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Yes-Negotiating-Agreement-Without/dp/0140157352/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8

    On a side note, effective communication can be good for other areas outside of relationships.

    If you have any other references, please share them below =)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 7, 2017
  2. jcsd
  3. Aug 5, 2016 #2
    Down to earth straight talk advice
     
  4. Aug 6, 2016 #3

    Fervent Freyja

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    Gold Member

    How long have you been married though?

    I have near 3 shelves dedicated to books on relationships/marriage. Only experience taught me the most: firstly, overcoming my own personal challenges that have nothing to do with him and learning from my mistakes, those to do with the partnership, and helping/observing him in his own personal challenges. Only repeated patterns over a long-period can show us where to improve our partnerships, which requires work, real efforts to consistently be observant and present (only then can you try), remove negative mindsets about ourselves and them, try to understand our weaknesses in it (ideals of ourselves being greater to them than real), take responsibility instead of blaming them (correct them when they do the same), changing our behaviors, changing negative verbal communication (detours), and it goes on.

    Oh, and sex. Lots of it, consistently over time. Sex is actually the most effective form of communication in a relationship, it expresses and speaks where words and actions cannot! Unlike what the modern view of sex has become, the saucy encounter with the stranger or whatever, it cannot be separated from the marriage. It happens on account of and surrounding the daily happenings of a couple, it flows with the relationship, and no single sexual encounter with another person could touch the true value of practicing sex with a partner. My Husband & I have sex for many reasons. Sometimes, when we shouldn't, just to be bad. Sometimes, because we're sorry for something or to makeup. Sometimes, because we are stressed. Sometimes, because we want to show appreciation and express affection. Even sometimes, to be punishing or controlling towards the other. Sometimes, we may even want to be punished or need it in a different way. Sometimes, to experiment with something new or role-play with our own personal fetishes. Sometimes, really just because we need to, even when one may be upset at the other. Sometimes, only because they want it, even when we don't- giving 15 minutes of your day to a spouse is the least we can do to improve and maintain a relationship. Most of the time, we eventually totally forget the event ever occurred. But the rest of the time, can be memorable. No book could be as valuable as the simple understanding that sex is the most effective communication tool (or practice) in a marriage. This is my Husbands language! It is really the only aspect that distinguishes it from the relationship with a best friend or family member! Sadly, it is too often neglected, and most people don't seem to understand the real value of it on a long-term scale. I see it often used as weaponry.

    Books can help give insight and be a tool in improving the relationship, but they don't compare to learning from experiences. All relationships are so very unique! Marriage is absolutely most extreme relationship between animals. They all have their own sets of issues, some will dissipate over time, while others can worsen! The relationship itself evolves and goes through seasons, which are highly influenced by life changes for either partner, where the relationship may become more rewarding for a year or maybe begins to take a painful toll on one of them, one may not be able to forgive the other for the early years of cheating and decide routinely explicitly flirting (but not cheating) with the opposite sex need be a reminder for them that they can also do the same, if they choose. Sometimes you need to make some mistakes in order to understand and forgive the partners bigger ones. There are patterns that occur in many relationships after many types of events, usually life changes or crisis have a large effect. Particularly, women will hit menopause and lose interest in sex before he may, and issues seem to arise there too. Women also end up collecting more responsibility to more people over time, which wears them out and fills their time, and they may lose their spirit earlier on than him. The largest reason that some older men like younger women, isn't totally because of looks, but simply because of what happens over time when the youthful confident spirit has to be replaced with a more controlling attitude in order to juggle the responsibility to other people that is acquired over time- imagine having to please dozens of people all at once, the time that must be given to them far surpasses a full-time job. I am a mother. A wife. A student. A daughter. A sister to 6. An aunt to 8. A granddaughter. A daughter-in-law. A granddaughter-in-law. A friend. And more. Each one demands that I put forth many hours a week (in order) to each. Until, the only time I don't feel guilty about taking time for myself, is late at night when everyone is asleep. Then I study, surf the web, and work on my projects. One thing I have in mind is to prevent burdening myself further over time. My Husband has four elderly women in his family that will likely die within the next decade. It is going to be on me to take care of them when they can no longer function without assistance. I try to keep all this in mind, so it makes it difficult to even think about obligating myself to a career as well. My Husband works 60+ hours a week, there isn't much more he would be able to do to help me. I'm pretty sure I would become demanding and controlling doing so much. Anyway, I've totally ventured off topic!

    I should tell you, affairs don't always happen because one partner wasn't meeting their needs! Some people have commitment and deep control issues, and will cheat out of pure spite, for years. They will run to their exes house after a serious fight and have sex with them. And when they arrive back, the innocent partner may try to 'make up' for the fight by giving oral sex, which the spiteful partner may happily agree to, even knowing the whole time where their wiener had been just hours before. People don't always deserve getting cheated on, which is implied in your statement about one partner cheating when their needs aren't being met (victim-blaming)! Sometimes it has very little to do with the partner, and all to do with their own personal challenges. Although, I do agree, sometimes a partner may have to cheat. But, that is going to be less frequent!
     
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