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ROFLMAO happy new year from bill blum

  1. Dec 23, 2004 #1
    here's what one of my favourite (american) agitators says will happen in 2005:

    Happy New Year
    It's going to be a fun fun year, 2005. And to better prepare yourself for all the merrymaking here is a calendar of some of the more delightful things to look forward to.

    JANUARY 5: Bush announces that Iran, Syria, North Korea, Sudan and Cuba all possess weapons of mass destruction, are an imminent threat to the United States, have close ties to al Qaeda and the Taliban, are aiding insurgents in Iraq, were involved in 9-11, played a role in the assassination of John F. Kennedy and the attack on Pearl Harbor, and are all "really bad guys".

    JANUARY 21: 150 people at a PTA meeting in Des Moines, Iowa arrested in marijuana raid.

    FEBRUARY 15: Michael Moore assassinated by man named Oswald Harvey.

    FEBRUARY 18: Oswald Harvey, while in solitary confinement and guarded round the clock by 1200 policemen, killed by man named Ruby Jackson.

    FEBRUARY 26: Ruby Jackson suddenly dies of a rare Asian disease heretofore unknown in the Western Hemisphere

    MARCH 6: Congress passes a law requiring that all persons arrested in anti-war demonstrations must be sterilized. President Bush says it is "God's will". John Kerry votes for the law but declares that he has misgivings because there's no provision for a right of appeal.

    MARCH 20: 11 nuns in Glad Valley, South Dakota arrested in marijuana raid.

    APRIL 1: Military junta overthrows Hugo Chavez in Venezuela. Washington decries the loss of democracy.

    APRIL 2: US recognizes the Venezuelan military junta, sells it 100 jet fighters.

    APRIL 3: Revolution breaks out in Venezuela endangering the military junta; 40,000 American marines land in Caracas to quell the uprising.

    APRIL 14: ExxonMobil, ChevronTexaco, General Electric, General Motors, Ford and IBM merge to form "Free Enterprise, Inc."

    APRIL 16: Free Enterprise, Inc. seeks to purchase Guatemala and Haiti. Citigroup refuses to sell.

    APRIL 18: Free Enterprise, Inc. purchases Citigroup.

    APRIL 30: Dick Cheney announces that the United States has discovered large caches of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. "So all those doubters can just go "F" themselves," he declares, displaying his much-lauded new moderation in language. But the vice-president can not provide any details of the find because, he says, to do so might reveal intelligence sources or methods.

    MAY 9: The Democratic Party changes its name to the Republican Lite Party, and announces the opening of a joint bank account with the Republican Party so that corporate lobbyists need make out only one check.

    MAY 11: China claims to have shot down an American spy plane over the center of China. State Department categorically denies the story.

    MAY 12: State Department admits that an American plane may have "inadvertently" strayed 2,000 miles into China, but denies that it was a spy plane.

    MAY 13: State Department admits that the plane may have been a spy plane but denies that it was piloted by a US government employee.

    MAY 14: State Department admits that the pilot was a civilian employee of a Defense Department contractor but denies that China exists.

    MAY 27: 16-year-old boy sentenced to life imprisonment in Mississippi for smoking marijuana.

    JUNE 5: President Bush delivers the John Ashcroft Distinguished Emeritus Address on Separation of Church and State at Bob Jones University, Greenville, SC.

    JUNE 11: Homeland Security announces plan to take the DNA at birth of every child born in the United States.

    JULY 1: The air in Los Angeles reaches so bad a pollution level that the rich begin to hire undocumented workers to breathe for them.

    JULY 4: 12-year-old girl put to death in Utah for smoking marijuana.

    AUGUST 7: Deserters from US military service seeking political asylum in Canada now number 15,000. Declaring "You're either with us or you're against us", President Bush issues a thinly-veiled warning to the Canadian government.

    SEPTEMBER 1: The draft is reinstated for males and females, ages 16 to 45. Those who are missing a limb or are blind can apply for non-combat roles.

    SEPTEMBER 4: Riots breaks out in 24 American cities in protest of the draft. 100,000 American troops who are brought home from Iraq to put down the riots ... join them.

    OCTOBER 6: The Bush twins arrested in a marijuana raid on a DC disco.

    OCTOBER 8: The Supreme Court declares all marijuana laws unconstitutional, retroactively.

    OCTOBER 19: Cops the world over form a new association, Policemen's International Governing Society. PIGS announces that its first goal will be to mount a campaign against the notion that a person is innocent until proven guilty, in those countries where the notion still dwells.

    NOVEMBER 10: Military junta overthrows President Luiz Inácio Lula in Brazil. Washington decries the loss of democracy.

    NOVEMBER 11: US recognizes the Brazilian military junta, sells it 200 tanks.

    NOVEMBER 12: Revolution breaks out in Brazil endangering the military junta; 50,000 American marines land in Rio to quell the uprising.

    DECEMBER 1: Supreme Court rules that police may search anyone if they have reasonable grounds for believing that the person has pockets.

    DECEMBER 25: US prison population reaches 2.5 million; it is determined that at least 70 percent of the prisoners would not have been incarcerated a century ago, for the acts they committed were then not criminal violations.

    http://members.aol.com/bblum6/aer16.htm
     
  2. jcsd
  3. Dec 24, 2004 #2
    Not even a little funny.
     
  4. Dec 24, 2004 #3
    You didn't even think the stuff about John Kerry and the Democrats was funny?
     
  5. Dec 24, 2004 #4
    Thanks Fourier, funny yet sad.
     
  6. Dec 24, 2004 #5
    i don't know if laught or cry......
     
  7. Dec 24, 2004 #6
    Not even a little bit. But hey, I could very well be the minority opinion on the post.
     
  8. Dec 24, 2004 #7
    What a scrooge...

    If you don't like the humor of WILLIAM BLUM, what on earth could melt that icy heart of yours and make you laugh a little the day before Christmas? Perhaps Mao's Little Red Book of Holiday Humor would be more up your alley?

    :biggrin:
     
  9. Dec 24, 2004 #8
    :rofl: :rofl: :biggrin:
     
  10. Dec 24, 2004 #9
    :biggrin: :rofl:
     
  11. Dec 24, 2004 #10
    i did, especially

    MARCH 6: Congress passes a law requiring that all persons arrested in anti-war demonstrations must be sterilized. President Bush says it is "God's will". John Kerry votes for the law but declares that he has misgivings because there's no provision for a right of appeal.

    and

    MAY 9: The Democratic Party changes its name to the Republican Lite Party, and announces the opening of a joint bank account with the Republican Party so that corporate lobbyists need make out only one check.


    to anybody who doesn't think this is funny you should see some of his other writings...
     
  12. Dec 24, 2004 #11
    That one is awesome :rofl:
     
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