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Saw a side of my best friend tonight

  1. Sep 19, 2013 #1
    I was hanging out with my buddy tonight and I saw a side of him that made me really question what kind of person he really is. I feel bad because we have a brotherly bond, but some of the things he's said and done lately have really been getting on my nerves. In no particular order:

    1) Bigotry - he made a few really derogatory comments about a subculture recently. When we walked past a bar he saw a group of these people and refused to walk in. I was absolutely stunned. He was later shown to be a hypocrite.

    2) Gross immaturity - A girl with a nice rack hugged him and he went on for at least an hour about how he felt her rack when she gave him a hug. I would expect this behavior out of a 13 year old.

    3) Ignorant and rude behavior - it was a slow night tonight and a bartender who we regularly see was talking to him about her break up and in the middle of her sentence he goes "Im actually on my phone right now you're gonna have to hold on a sec." or something along those lines. She did nothing to warrant that kind of response. The messed up part was that he had no idea how rude he was until I explained to him how he came off and if he did that to me I would have told him off. She was kind enough to just walk away. He also had no idea, that since I and one other person was with him, that the image he projects also affects his friends image too.

    4) Continued ignorance - He thinks apologizing and talking to her made her not mad and magically undid what he said. I told him that she was being nice and friendly to you and it was very obvious she didnt want to talk by the fact that she tried to avoid his attention whenever possible. He even believed later on in the night that he had a shot with her because "We flirted" and she was hiding it.

    5) Absurd reasoning - a group of people who work at the same bar had the night off so they stopped in to say hi to those that were on duty and then they took off. Since we are regulars a few of them said hi to us and we exchanged hugs with the woman in #2. When they left he actually got mad that they didn't invite the three of us with them. For some reason he felt that they should have asked us to join the group despite the fact that we are regular customers we do not know these people beyond a few conversations and the occasional dance partner.

    I hate to say it but these things really make me not want to associate with him anymore. Granted, he was a little drunk for some but this kind of behavior is unacceptable regardless. If anything the lack of sobriety opened the gate to his true self.

    Im not really sure what to do. I've lost a lot of my friends in my life for negative reasons. Id hate to lose another.
  2. jcsd
  3. Sep 19, 2013 #2
    I also have a friend who when drunk displays some extremely unpleasant views.
  4. Sep 20, 2013 #3
    Your friend exhibits too many childish behaviors, if you have ever gently told him about them but things remain, don't consider him as one of your close friends. Seeing that you comment so well on your friend's characters, readers understand too that he is probably not one of the friendship types you may be looking for. You don't need to endure whatever he is doing or saying. To clarify things means to communicate and debate the problems in question. Friends are like words in a dictionary, if you mind looking up any.
  5. Sep 20, 2013 #4
    It's a shame because we have been getting along really well the past year. In some ways you are right, I have changed a lot in the last year and I am starting to want other things in my life. I can tolerate a friends preconceived notions to a reasonable degree, but not to this extent.

    Also, if I stop talking to this kid then I literally have no friends within a few hundred miles of me.
  6. Sep 20, 2013 #5


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    Points 1 to 5.
    Yeah so.
    There seems to be some over-analyzing and pigeonhole-ing of your friend's conduct
    For example: #3 and 4. If the bartender doesn't want to talk to him she won't. If she does want to talk, she will. It would be her choice, not yours, to decide if she wants to entertain or be entertained by an obnoxious customer to aquire a bigger tip or whatever else would be in it for her. Your opinion has no bearing on how she does her job as bartender.

    Just the same, he does seem to be somewhat energy draining.
  7. Sep 20, 2013 #6
    256 I understand some of your points but I dont understand the "Yeah so?" remark. I dont care about the bartenders reasoning. If they are too insecure/greedy to avoid him thats their business, which I agree.

    My problem is with his attitude and his disposition towards his actions.
  8. Sep 20, 2013 #7

    Ben Niehoff

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    Several of my friends are completely inept at dealing with group social activities. It's really starting to annoy me. I can't go into detail because I'm posting under my real name. But I'm considering dumping them for new friends.
  9. Sep 20, 2013 #8
    Hey if you are in the NC area we can hang out haha
  10. Sep 20, 2013 #9


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    How long have you known this guy?

    Do you have any friends in common? If so, have they noticed a change in his behavior?
  11. Sep 20, 2013 #10


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    When complaining about your friend's perceived shortcomings, it's probably not a good idea to refer to a girl's endowment as her 'rack'.
  12. Sep 21, 2013 #11

    We only share one friend, his roommate. I tried to call him today to get some lunch and he didnt pick up. I figured "whatever he might be passed out" so I sent him a text about 2 hours ago just seeing how he was doing and he never got back to me. Maybe he's having family problems. If we hang out tomorrow I'll ask him what the deal was last night.

    I'll mail you $50 if you can describe, in detail, how my use of slang correlates anything regarding "my friend's shortcomings". Maybe people like me just aren't good enough to avoid slang, you would know right?
  13. Sep 21, 2013 #12


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    What I meant was, which wasn't apparant, that this could be a one off on the guy's behavior, ( since you did not refer to any previous as being the same ), and while you guys were out to have some fun he just let loose with some stupidity for the evening. If he is always like that on a night out, then it does become very repetative and annoying.
  14. Sep 21, 2013 #13


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    I can't speak for SteamKing, but I think I know what he meant. The term "rack" is not simply a slang term, it can be offensive and indicates insensitivity (e.g., would you use it while speaking to a woman you respect?). So there was a bit of irony in your post, using a term like that while pointing out how your friend acts like a jerk sometimes.

    My interpretation, at least.
  15. Sep 23, 2013 #14


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    Well, did you talk to him about it?

    You said he had been drinking. The main effect of alcohol IS "it makes you dumb." It's harder for some people to be considerate of others when they are under the influence.
  16. Sep 25, 2013 #15
    1) If there is a certain group of people he doesn't like, why should he go into the bar with those group of people? It's one thing to say you don't like a certain race but another to say you don't like Hells Angels. "Subculture" isn't specific.

    2) Don't expect this behaviour to be exclusive to 13 year olds.

    3) Your friend most likely does not care about the bartender's break up and doesn't want to listen. If you decide to start talking about personal problems with someone, don't always expect a polite response. If the bartender brought it up without asking your friend, the bartender should probably expect such a response.

    4) I'm not sure ignorance is the right word - simply, your friend was just being annoying.

    5) Was he upset in the sense that he wanted to "get some", or was he personally offended?

    From your description it appears that this happened in a single night. The only behaviour I see that can possibly be unacceptable is 1) and 2) and this depends on context. Your friend was drunk. Don't think the alcohol actually opened his "true self". People have differing reactions to substances.

    If you're going unfriend someone over a single embarrassing night, then I'm not surprised you've lost many friends in the past for "negative" reasons. If you want to stop losing friends, perhaps you may want to think if you have unrealistic expectations, are too analytical, or just like you said previously: you've changed, which in this case losing a friend isn't necessarily a bad thing. Maybe you are just the kind of person that just realizes at a single moment that you don't like someone while others kind of have it happen to them gradually.
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