Science Jokes

[Ivan Seeking]

A wide selection of science humor.

http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes/

 

[EvilPoet]

Message to the Moon

About 1966 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface. Along with all the trucks and large vehicles, there were two large figures dressed in full Lunar spacesuits.

Nearby a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting ready to go to the moon.

The man became very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape recorder. After the man gave them his message, they asked his son to translate. His son would not.

Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate.

Finally, with cash in hand, someone translated the message, "Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land."

Source: http://www.jamesoberg.com/humor.html

 

[Ivan Seeking]

My wife and I attended a lecture by test pilot Chuck Yeager - who first broke the speed of sound in the Bell X-1.

http://www.chuckyeager.org/htm_docs/x1.shtml

Yeager's personal photos of this plane show a distinct bump on one side of the nose of this otherwise sleek aircraft. Back in the heyday of these activities, Yeager enjoyed telling people about the complex design features that underlie of this mysterious 6 inch deformation in the skin of the craft. He readily admits to really hamming this up just for fun. He would allude to the complex aerodynamics of shock waves and such - real big league science.

In fact, according to Yeager, as the plane was being built, one of the last installations involved cables that had to be routed to the nose of the plane. No room was left for this cable run so the metal in the skin was pounded out to make room; so these cables to be strung around a metal beam. A truly complex design feature!

 

[Integral0]

RE

The mother is 21 years older than the child.
In 6 years, the mother will be 5 times as old as the child.

Question: Where's the father?










answer:
-9 months . . . think about it

 

[EvilPoet]

The Dark Sucker Theory

For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers. The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light.

First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room. So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker.

A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range. There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again. Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle.

Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker.

Source: The Dark Sucker Theory page

 

[Brad_Ad23]

Hilarious! The Dark Sucker!

[too bad my flashlight that operates on Farady's Principle disproves it, because I liked that theory! *wipes tears*)

 

[chroot]

Q: How does a mathematician deal with constipation?

A: He works it out with a pencil.

- Warren

 

[gingersnap_girl]

Physics Saves Lives

As part of the standard curriculum in a pre-med college, the
students had to take a difficult class in physics. One day, the
professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. Part
way through the class, a student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do
we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives," the professor responded quickly and continued the
lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does
physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It usually keeps idiots like you out of medical school,"
replied the professor.

 

[Monique]

:) very funny, probably a true concept too :)

Don't most med schools start off their junior year with anatomy classes = cutting in corpses, to filter the ones who really aren't up to it?

 

[EvilPoet]

New Element Discovered

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by University physicists here. The element, tentatively named administratium (Ad), has no protons or electrons, which means that it has atomic number 0 and falls outside the natural patterns exhibited by other elements. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistants to the neutron, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistants to the vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. The 312 particles are held together by a force involving the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called "memos".

Because it has no protons or electrons, administratium is inert. Nonetheless, it can be detected chemically, in that it seems to impede every reaction in which it is present. According to one of the discoverers, even a small amount of administratium made one reaction which normally lasts less than a second take more than four days.

Administratium has a half-life of approximately three years. It does not actually decay. Instead, it undergoes a reorganization in which a vice neutron, assistants to the vice neutron and certain assistants to the neutron exchange places. Some studies have indicated that its mass actually increases after each reorganization, although this is yet to be explained. Another phenomenon which has been observed, as expected from the mechanics of minute particles, is that the more one tries to pin down the positions of vice neutrons within the structure of administratium, the more uncertain those positions become.

Within a short time after the discovery was announced, the existence of the element was confirmed in laboratories around the world. In addition, a team at the University of Utah told a press conference they had been able to create administratium in fusion experiments conducted at ordinary room temperature. Using highly sophisticated probability detectors, the team had monitored a stream of memos from a FAX-mounted device. Dr. May B. No and her associate, Dr. May B. Yes, said the details of their experiment were being kept confidential, pending further development of the data. But, they claimed, there were definitely more memos that came out of the device than went in.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Originally posted by gingersnap_girl
"It usually keeps idiots like you out of medical school,"
replied the professor.

What do you call the medical student who graduates last in his or her class?



















Doctor.

 

[Integral]

Originally posted by Ivan Seeking
What do you call the medical student who graduates last in his or her class?




Doctor.

Jokes are supposed to be FUNNY!

LOL

 

[Integral]

After that last one it is open season.

See if you can find one worse then this:

To celebrate Halloween, all the math teachers and professors got together for a big costume party. Each dressed up as their favorite math function. One particularly mean and eccentric math professor dressed up as the derivative. He ran up to the teacher dressed as cos(x) and yelled "I derive you!" The teacher tore off his costume and scurried off looking for a -sin(x) costume. The prof ran up to another teacher who was dressed as 4x^5 and yelled "I derive you!" The teacher tore off his costume and went scurrying off, looking for a 20x^4 costume. The prof ran up to a 3rd teacher and screamed "I derive you!" The teacher just stood there with his arms crossed. "Didn't you hear me?! I DERIVE YOU!" he shouted. Again, the teacher stood there, but with a smug expression on his face. "I derive you! I derive you! I derive you!" the professor shouted while jumping up and down. The teacher looked at him and said "derive me all you want. I'm e^x."

 

[Ivan Seeking]

How to tell the root subject of a science fair project

If it stinks; Biology

If it evacutes the building; Chemistry

It it wasn't finished; Engineering

If it doesn't work; Physics.

 

[jcsd]

There are 10 sorts of people in this world - those who understand binary and those who don't.

 

[chroot]

Originally posted by Integral
To celebrate Halloween, all the math teachers and professors got together for a big costume party.

This is horrible.. this joke.

- Warren

 

[Adrian Baker]

A sociology teacher was given a class to teach Math to in a junior school ...


"Now children", she said, "Write down how 7 must feel having 4 taken away from it......."

 

[redrogue]

The cartoonist Sydney Harris can tickle a funnybone every now and then.

http://www.sciencecartoonsplus.com/gallery.htm

 

[jimmy p]

Here is a story, it's not a joke... i'd hate to be this person!

-----------------------------------------------------------
THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK

We've all heard the phrase "you learn something new everyday."

Well, here's today's lesson: Think before you speak!! This actually happened at Harvard University in October last year.

In biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"

"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.

However as she was going out the door, the Prof's reply was classic.

Totally straight-faced he answered her question:
"It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

----------------------------------------------------------------
lol.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Phillip Morrison
http://web.mit.edu/physics/facultyandstaff/faculty/philip_morrison.html

tells of an experience that he had while working on the Manhattan Project. He [perhaps someone else...but Morrison was there, I heard this many years ago from Morrison] carried the U-235 core of the bomb out of the lab for transport to the detonation site. He dropped it. When he did, he panicked and started to run.

 

[enigma]

grrr.

I've got a funny picture but I can't get it uploaded for some reason.

 

[BigRedDot]

Two neutrinos go through a bar...

 

[motai]

...and as they walked into the bar they were ignored by all of the other particles. Finally a bartender neutron stumbled upon them and said "hey 'lil dudes, up for some punch?" "Ill show you some punch!" the little neutrino said. Little neutrino got so pissed off at the service of the bar that it smashed into the neutron, causing it to collapse into protons and electrons.

A riot broke out until a rogue neutron hit a uranium atom, causing the entire bar to explode in a gigantic fireball.

 

[Integral]

A man finds a magic lamp, rubbed it, and poof, out comes a genie who gives him 3 wishes.

The man's first wish is to live forever and it is granted.

Then he realizes that eventually the universe will end so he wishes for the hubble constant to be zero and it is granted.

Satisfied, he sits back and wishes for a bowl of pudding. Poof, a bowl of pudding materializes out of nowhere, the hubble constant goes negative, and the universe collapses.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

The electron is not as simple as it looks.
-- (William) Lawrence Bragg, British Physicist(1890-1971)

"[Smart Experimentalist]: 'Yeah, it is reminiscent of what distinguishes the good theorists from the bad ones. The good ones always make an even number of sign errors, and the bad ones always make an odd number.'"
--Anthony Zee, Quantum Field Theory in a Nutshell

I know that this defies the law of gravity, but, you see, I never studied law.
-- Bugs Bunny

Researchers in Fairbanks Alaska announced last week that they have discovered a superconductor which will operate at room temperature. -- unknown