Science Jokes

"Mom, I don't need to tidy up my room. According to quantum mechanics, if you throw things around they tend to organize themselves"

(You should have seen the look on mom's face!)

I'm sure this Newton joke has been thought of before, but my friends and I thought we were oh so clever one day in physics class. It's like the perfect brother-sister argument.
*pokes sister* "Stop touching me! Mom, she's touching me!"
HAHA. Ha. Heh. Knee-slapping 3rd law jokes.

Hooo, I have a lot of nerd jokes.
A kid is taking a class in his chem class, when he comes across this question:
"Describe hard water, and its compounds."
Kid writes:
"Ice."
Heh heh.

Staff Emeritus
Gold Member

Hope this hasn't been told yet.

How can you tell if a mathematician is an introvert or an extrovert?

If he's an extrovert he stares at your shoes.

Demystifier
Physics Saves Lives

As part of the standard curriculum in a pre-med college, the
students had to take a difficult class in physics. One day, the
professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. Part
way through the class, a student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do
we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives," the professor responded quickly and continued the
lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does
physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It usually keeps idiots like you out of medical school,"
replied the professor.

Doctors need to study physics to know how to deal with a patient trying to run away at the speed of light.

The best way to kill a person

-> Derive it multiple times!

For waves and ex, ask them to stand near a mirror and then photograph the reflection
then derive the reflection

For ex

Gib Z
Homework Helper
How mathematicians do it...

Combinatorists do it as many ways as they can.
Combinatorists do it discretely.
(Logicians do it) or (~(logicians do it)).
Logicians do it by symbolic manipulation.
Algebraists do it in groups.
Algebraists do it in a ring.
Algebraists do it in fields.
Analysts do it continuously.
Real Analysts do it almost everywhere.
Pure mathematicians do it rigorously.
Topologists do it openly.
Topologists do it on rubber sheets.
Dynamicists do it chaotically.
Mathematicians do it forever if they can do one and can do one more.

Cantor did it diagonally.
Fermat tried to do it in the margin, but couldn't fit it in.
Galois did it the night before.
Mobius always does it on the same side.
Markov does it in chains.
Newton did it standing on the shoulders of giants.
When Turing did it he couldn't decide if he'd finish.

Demystifier
Homework Helper
The slogan of the most popular cell phone provider in the real number
system: "[0, 1] - connecting people."

...

Given a Jewish metric space, every convergent sequence in it is Kosher.

...

A topological space lies in bed with its wife, Mrs. Lindelöf, and she
says: "Jeez, could you stop opening my bed cover, its chilly around here?"
And the space says: "Oh, relax, you always have your subcovers to count on."

(I hope they're not too bad )

does this proton make my mass look big?! :)

UFO passing speed of light

Two aliens were flying their UFOs. As one of them accelerated passing light velocity,
the other one didn' t keep up with him. He asked: "Why are you lagging?"
- "I am Albert Einstein!"

Here's an extension of a list posted earlier. If anybody can think of any additions to the list, please post :D!

Perspectives of the world:
-------------------------------
Optimist – The glass is half-full.
Pessimist – The glass is half-empty.
Existentialist – The glass is.
Fatalist – The water will evaporate.
Futurist – The water is in the wrong half of the glass.
Feminist – All glasses are equal.
Narcissist – Look at me in the water!
Polygamist – The more glasses the merrier.
Nudist – The glass isn’t wearing anything. Why should I?
Baptist – The Lord in His infinite wisdom hast giveth us only half a glass of water for a reason!
Evangelist – The glass must repent.
Atheist – There is no glass.
Egoist – My glass is bigger than yours.
The Obsessive/Compulsive – There’s a smudge on the glass.
The Government – The glass is fuller than if the opposing party were in power.
Opposing Party – It is irrelevant because the present administration has changed the way such volume statistics are collected.
Republican – Hey, who drank half of my glass of water?
Anarchist – Break the glass.
Revolutionist – Dump the glass out and fill it again.
Socialist – Share the glass.
Capitalist – Sell the glass.
Corporatist – That glass is ours, and only ours.
Market Consultant – Your glass needs resizing.
Actuary – Personally, I think you paid too much for the glass.
Attorney – The glass is half-empty since it believes its compensation is never enough.
Psychologist – How does the water feel about the glass?
Philosopher – If the glass was in the forest and no one was there to see it, would it be half anything?
Sociologist – I don't know, but it was nice talking about it.
Engineer – The glass is twice as large as its necessary parameters.
Physicist – The cylinder is neither full nor empty. Rather, each half of the cylinder is full, one with a liquid, one with a gas.
Logician – Please define 'glass' more precisely.
Mathematician – I don't know if it's half-full or half-empty, but I can tell you an answer exists!
Combinatorialist – The task of choosing an arbitrary water molecule has been reduced to 2 subcases.
PC User – Let's restart it and maybe it will fill up this time.
Mac User – I swear! Apple invented water…or at least made it much better!
Linux User – I’ll turn the water back into oxygen and hydrogen, then take a glass cutter and cut off the top half of the glass. Finally, I'll recompile the water, then drink it…and eat the glass.
Microsoft – The rest of the water will be in the next release.
Pascal Programmer – Well, what type of water is it?
C Programmer – I drink straight from the tap.
Assembly Programmer – I drink straight from the river.
Multimedia Author – That glass is free; the next one you have to pay for.
Copyrights Protection Fanatics – Somebody drank my water and didn’t pay for it!
Free Software Foundation – The water is Nature’s gift to all mankind!
CIA – What makes you think that’s water?
NSA – We know what it really is.

--------------------------
What do you think?

Demystifier
Borek
Mentor
There is no spoon.

Danger
Gold Member
If you guys don't mind a couple from the late 1940's... (I'm combining 2 for the sake of brevity, and my apologies if they've already been posted; I haven't had a chance to read this whole thread).

Q: Why did the nuclear physicist take the day off?
Q: What explanatory sign did he hang on his office door?
A: Gone fission.

It's a wonder that we ever survived the cold war, with stuff like that floating around.

jhae2.718
Gold Member
Here's a really bad joke I came up with while sitting in a very boring lecture on statics in a basic engineering class:

Engineering has its moments...

Staff Emeritus
Gold Member
A unit Newton.

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-"Is there any mathematician here who can evaluate the sum of 17 and 13 for us !?"
- "Yes I can, I am a professor in mathematics!"
- "Then solve the task for us!"
- "Sorry, but I have forgotten my calculator!"

BobG
Homework Helper

-"Is there any mathematician here who can evaluate the sum of 17 and 13 for us !?"
- "Yes I can, I am a professor in mathematics!"
- "Then solve the task for us!"
- "Sorry, but I have forgotten my calculator!"

That's an urban legend stemming from a true story.

The actual question was:

"Is there any mathematician here that can explain how to count on our fingers and toes?"
"Yes, I can. I'm a professor in mathematics!"
"So, how high can you count on your fingers and toes?"
"Sorry, but I have forgotten my calculator!"

(Which raises the question as to what type of calculator he had. I could think of one method of counting that would allow him to count up 1,099,511,627,775.)

Last edited:
Here's an extension of a list posted earlier. If anybody can think of any additions to the list, please post :D!

Perspectives of the world:
-------------------------------
Optimist – The glass is half-full.
Pessimist – The glass is half-empty.
Existentialist – The glass is.
Fatalist – The water will evaporate.
Futurist – The water is in the wrong half of the glass.
Feminist – All glasses are equal.
Narcissist – Look at me in the water!
Polygamist – The more glasses the merrier.
Nudist – The glass isn’t wearing anything. Why should I?
Baptist – The Lord in His infinite wisdom hast giveth us only half a glass of water for a reason!
Evangelist – The glass must repent.
Atheist – There is no glass.
Egoist – My glass is bigger than yours.
The Obsessive/Compulsive – There’s a smudge on the glass.
The Government – The glass is fuller than if the opposing party were in power.
Opposing Party – It is irrelevant because the present administration has changed the way such volume statistics are collected.
Republican – Hey, who drank half of my glass of water?
Anarchist – Break the glass.
Revolutionist – Dump the glass out and fill it again.
Socialist – Share the glass.
Capitalist – Sell the glass.
Corporatist – That glass is ours, and only ours.
Market Consultant – Your glass needs resizing.
Actuary – Personally, I think you paid too much for the glass.
Attorney – The glass is half-empty since it believes its compensation is never enough.
Psychologist – How does the water feel about the glass?
Philosopher – If the glass was in the forest and no one was there to see it, would it be half anything?
Sociologist – I don't know, but it was nice talking about it.
Engineer – The glass is twice as large as its necessary parameters.
Physicist – The cylinder is neither full nor empty. Rather, each half of the cylinder is full, one with a liquid, one with a gas.
Logician – Please define 'glass' more precisely.
Mathematician – I don't know if it's half-full or half-empty, but I can tell you an answer exists!
Combinatorialist – The task of choosing an arbitrary water molecule has been reduced to 2 subcases.
PC User – Let's restart it and maybe it will fill up this time.
Mac User – I swear! Apple invented water…or at least made it much better!
Linux User – I’ll turn the water back into oxygen and hydrogen, then take a glass cutter and cut off the top half of the glass. Finally, I'll recompile the water, then drink it…and eat the glass.
Microsoft – The rest of the water will be in the next release.
Pascal Programmer – Well, what type of water is it?
C Programmer – I drink straight from the tap.
Assembly Programmer – I drink straight from the river.
Multimedia Author – That glass is free; the next one you have to pay for.
Copyrights Protection Fanatics – Somebody drank my water and didn’t pay for it!
Free Software Foundation – The water is Nature’s gift to all mankind!
CIA – What makes you think that’s water?
NSA – We know what it really is.

--------------------------
What do you think?

Crackpot - This H-twenty has powers

mathwonk
Homework Helper
2020 Award
I tried to read through this thread but didn't make it, so i apologize if these are already here. Two topology jokes:

First a definition:

A topologist is someone who cannot tell the difference between his rear end and a hole and the ground, but can tell the difference between his rear end and two holes in the ground.

Next a joke for those of you who have verified that you are topologists:

What do you get when you cross a chicken and an elephant? [The trivial elephant bundle on a chicken.]

Redbelly98
Staff Emeritus
Homework Helper
I could think of one method of counting that would allow him to count up 1,099,511,627,775.)
What method is that? My thoughts were of 220-1, as referred to in your signature:
If God meant for man to count higher than 1,048,575 he would have given him more fingers and toes.

What do you get when you cross a chicken and an elephant?
chicken elephant sine theta.

mathwonk