Science Humor: A Wide Selection

[jimmy p]

Originally posted by Monique
"A bloke walks into a pub, and asks for a pint of Adenosinetriphosphate.
The barman says "That'll be 80p please!"

Think about that one for a while

That is TERRIBLE Monique

 

[jimmy p]

chemistry jokes.

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?" "You mean Aspirin?" asked the pharmacist.

"That's it, I can never remember that word."



A physicist, a biologist and a chemist go to the beach for the first time. The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves, and walked into the ocean. The physicist was drowned and never returned. The Biologist said he wanted to research the flora and fauna of the ocean, and walked into the ocean. Likewise he was drowned and never returned. The chemist waited by the ocean side for a long time, before finally removing his notepad and writing the observation "Both Physicists and Biologists are soluble in water."



A Chemical is a substance that:

*An organic chemist turns into a foul odour.

*An analytical chemist turns into a procedure.

*A physical chemist turns into a straight line.

*A biochemist turns into a helix.

*A chemical engineer turns into a profit.




Classification of Chemistry:

*Physical Chemistry - The pitiful attempt to apply "y=mx+c" to everything in the universe.

*Organic Chemistry - The practice of transmutation of vile substances into publications.

*Inorganic Chemistry - That which is left after the organic, analytical and physical chemists get through picking over the periodic table.

*Chemical Engineering - The practice of doing for profit what an organic chemist does for fun.

*Organic Chemistry - The study of carbon compounds.

*Biochemistry - The study of carbon compounds that wiggle.




Experiments should be reproducible - They should fail the same way every time.

Activation energy - The useful quantity of energy available in one cup of coffee.

To most people solutions mean finding the answers; but to chemists, solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate!

Free radicals have revolutionalised chemistry.

A Physical Chemist is a student who goes to university thinking he might want to be a physicist; but gets intimidated by the maths.



Chemists last words:

*And now the tasting test...

*And now shake a bit...

*In which glass was my mineral water?

*Why does that stuff burn with a green flame??

*And now the detonating gas problem...

*This is a completely safe experimental set up.

*Now you can take the protection window away...

 

[Mattius_]

"A bloke walks into a pub, and asks for a pint of Adenosinetriphosphate.The barman says "That'll be 80p please!"

Ok, i know what ATP is, but i still don't get it!

 

[jammieg]

In theory the Neadrathal died out because their brains grew too big and they said, "dammit women we don't need a penthouse and cars and flying saucers, this cave is all we will ever need and more meat!" and so most died out except for the few with the best nagging wives.

 

[Greg Bernhardt]

Add your science jokes here:
http://www.jokerslounge.com

 

[Imparcticle]

Originally posted by Monique
"A bloke walks into a pub, and asks for a pint of Adenosinetriphosphate.
The barman says "That'll be 80p please!"

Think about that one for a while

I don't get it.[b(]

 

[Brad_Ad23]

Originally posted by SquareItSalamander
I don't get it.[b(]

Think about it. 80p. Eighty-p. eighdy-p. A-D-P.

 

[jimmy p]

or ATP as it is known as (AdenosineTriPhosphate)

 

[Brad_Ad23]

I think the joke makes more sense if the bartender asks for the ADP version, since he is giving out ATP.[?]

 

[kuengb]

Shortest mathematics joke:
$$\varepsilon < 0$$
with the even more excessive versions
$$\varepsilon \ll 0$$
and
$$\varepsilon \rightarrow - \infty$$

[?] [?] [?] Probably only a few will laugh, but those who do are really worth it!

 

[DrMatrix]

A constant function and an exponential are walking down the street. Up ahead, they see a differential operator coming their way. The constant function says, "Oh man, I got to run. That's a differential operatior and it can turn me into nothing." The constant function runs away, but not the exponential function. Unafraid, it walks right up to the differential operator and says, "Hello there, differential operator, I'm $e^x.$" The differential operator says, "Pleased to meet you, $e^x.$ I'm d/dz."

 

[ElectroPhysics]

If an engineer walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it on the fire and puts it out.

If a physicist walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it eloquently around the fire and let's the fire put itself out.

If a mathematician walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he convinces himself there is a solution and leaves.

 

[enigma]

A large diplomatic delegation from Poland gets on a plane to go to a UN conference. The plane takes off normally, and everything seems fine during takeoff. Five minutes into the flight, however, the plane starts flying erratically, inverts, and crashes killing everyone onboard. The investigators analyzing the crash are dumbfounded since everything seemed to be in order with the aircraft. Eventually, they bring the problem to a contol engineer who immediately recognizes the problem: "It's simple really... you had poles in the right half of the plane!"

... let's see how many get it.

 

[enigma]

A constant function and an exponential are walking down the street. Up ahead, they see a differential operator coming their way. The constant function says, "Oh man, I got to run. That's a differential operatior and it can turn me into nothing." The constant function runs away, but not the exponential function. Unafraid, it walks right up to the differential operator and says, "Hello there, differential operator, I'm $e^x.$" The differential operator says, "Pleased to meet you, $e^x.$ I'm d/dz."

I don't get this one, and I didn't get the math party one... I'm sure its a pun of some sort, but it's escaping me.

 

[jimmy p]

very funny enigma, i had to re-read it just to make sure i was laughing at the right thing though!

 

[Njorl]

A large diplomatic delegation from Poland gets on a plane to go to a UN conference. The plane takes off normally, and everything seems fine during takeoff. Five minutes into the flight, however, the plane starts flying erratically, inverts, and crashes killing everyone onboard. The investigators analyzing the crash are dumbfounded since everything seemed to be in order with the aircraft. Eventually, they bring the problem to a contol engineer who immediately recognizes the problem: "It's simple really... you had poles in the right half of the plane!"

... let's see how many get it.

Even if they had worked around the poles, I'm sure there would have been nothing left but sum residue.

Njorl

 

[DrMatrix]

I don't get this one, and I didn't get the math party one... I'm sure its a pun of some sort, but it's escaping me.

Nope not a pun. $e^x.$ is a constant function as far as a function of z is concerned.

 

[enigma]

Ah. So it wasn't funny.

 

[DrMatrix]

Tough crowd.

 

[kuengb]

A mathematician and an engineer are asked how they would make tea when all their cups were dirty. Engineer says: "I would clean the cups, then boil water and so on", mathematician says the same.
Afterwards they're asked again how to make tea, but with clean cups this time. Engineer says: "Hm? Well, I'd just boil water, throw tea leaves in, that's it." The mathematician says: "I would first dirty the cups and then apply solution 1."

 

[Imparcticle]

Perspectives of the world:

Optomist- the glass is half full.
pessimist- the glass is half empty.
fatalist-the water will evaporate.
existentialist- the glass is.
feminist- all glasses are equal.
narcissist-look at me in the water!
polygamist-the more glasses the merrier.
evangelist-the glass must repent.
socialist-share the glass.
capitalist-sell the glass.
anarchist- break the glass.
psychologist- How does the water feel about the glass?

 

[Imparcticle]

Shortest mathematics joke:
$$\varepsilon < 0$$
with the even more excessive versions
$$\varepsilon \ll 0$$
and
$$\varepsilon \rightarrow - \infty$$

[?] [?] [?] Probably only a few will laugh, but those who do are really worth it!

what does that mean?

 

[quddusaliquddus]

True story (from m8's school):

A kid @ GCSE Maths exam goes in gets on scribbling his answers down furiously.
The thing is though, he's answering the formulae-book that comes along with the question paper!

Do you know how he found out? Nearing the end of the exam he puts his hand up and calls one of the teachers over to him. He whispers to the teacher "...I'm stuck with this question...can u help?..."

 

[meteor]

This is a salesman that is in the train station and see that Einstein is there with a clock in his hand. Then the salesman thinks: Ah, so Einstein must have been doing some of the experiments that he explains in his books, those that try to demonstrate the constancy of c by measuring how it travels from the front to the back of a wagon and such.
Out of curiosity, the salesman goes to meet Einstein, and finds that he is very upset. The salesman asks to him: Hi, sir, have you been able to measure the length contraction of trains in your experiment?
Then Einstein answers: No, I had all prepared and was going to perform the experiment, but suddenly a lightning has fallen on the clock and now the damned doesn't work

 

[Matt-235]

Since this also seems to be a good place for bad math jokes and the like, remember that $$\frac{sin x}{n} = 6$$

 

[Megus]

I think nobody has mentioned it yet:

www.physlink.com - some jokes (even good) can be found

P.S. Probably everyone knows this site and I'm just making idiot of myself at the moment

 

[Njorl]

Since this also seems to be a good place for bad math jokes and the like, remember that $$\frac{sin x}{n} = 6$$

It took me a depressingly long time to get this

Njorl

 

[Megus]

It took me a depressingly long time to get this

Njorl

I still can't get it - can I please explanation

 

[jimmy p]

its a silly little thing. If you remove the 'n' from sinx then you are left with 'six'. I had to do a double take when i read it.

 

[Gokul43201]

Heisenberg is racing down the autobahn, when a cop pulls him over for speeding.

"Do you know how fast you were driving, Sir ?", the cop asks him.

Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know where I am."

 

[Ivan Seeking]

I used to drive a Heisenberg. They came with either a speedometer or an odometer.

 

[kuengb]

I used to drive a Heisenberg. They came with either a speedometer or an odometer.

And with either a watch or a fuelmeter.

 

[Gokul43201]

Graffiti in a classroom used for a college calculus class :

" 1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1 "

 

[Imparcticle]

You Might be a Physics Major...
...if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.

...if you enjoy pain.

...if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.

...if you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."

...if you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.

...if when you look in a mirror, you see a physics major.

...if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.

...if you frequently whistle the theme song to "The X-Files."

...if you always do homework on Saturday nights.

...if you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.

...if you think in "math."

...if you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.

...if you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.

...if you have a pet named after a scientist.

...if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.

...if the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.

...if you can translate English into Binary.

...if you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit."

...if you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.

...if you are completely addicted to caffeine.

...if you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.

...if you consider ANY non-science course "easy."

...if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.

...if the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.

...if you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.

...if you understood more than five of these indicators.

….if you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.

 

[fbsthreads]

this page has some good ones

http://www.juliantrubin.com/physicsjokes.html

i particularly like:

When a snail crossed the road, he was run over by a turtle. Regaining consciousness in the emergency room, he was asked what caused the accident. "I really can't remember," the snail replied. "You see, it all happened so fast."

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Rene Descartes sits down for lunch at a Parisian restaurant. The waitress asks for his order. He orders a hamburger.
The waitress inquires, "Would you like fries with that? " Descartes says, "I think not," ...and instantly disappears.

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Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg says, "No, but I know where I am."


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