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The Best Monologues Ever

  1. Mar 29, 2003 #1
    [SOLVED] The Best Monologues Ever

    In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no-one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team.
  2. jcsd
  3. Mar 29, 2003 #2
    There once was a man from Nantucket...
  4. Mar 29, 2003 #3
    You know its funny, I always here people start this and they always fade off after the first line like something dirty is coming ahead, and you probably already know what it is. But I've never heard the later part of this. Someone needs to post it, or pm me it or something because its really beginning to bother me!
  5. Mar 29, 2003 #4
    Okay people I'm desperate here. It turns out mouseman doesn't know what the rest of it is either. I would really really appreciate it if someone could pm me the rest of that little verse, it's just been bugging me for far to long, I must know what it is!
  6. Mar 29, 2003 #5
    i belive sean conory best expressed it on a celberity jeporty on SNL there once was a man from Nantucket... I don't know he rest but your mothers a whore
  7. Mar 29, 2003 #6
  8. Mar 30, 2003 #7
    This is much better then the original. Those celebrity jeopardy's with sean connery are the best. I love those. A few of my favorite lines from them:

    Trebek ask's a question and Keanu Reeves buzzes in "uhmm, uuuuhhhhm, I know kung fu." "What does that possibly have to do with the question?" "uhhm uhmm I know kung fu."

    and thebest one is where trebek decides to do away with the final jeopardy question and just give them one they can answer "alright for your question just right a number." The music plays and it shows them thinking. Time runs out and they go through the answers. One of the players wrote a backwards 2, and trebek disses on him. Keanu Reeves reveals his answer and its "threeve" trebek disses on him some more. Then connery reveals his and its a "V" trebek is like "well despite your best attempts to do otherwise you actually win becuase V is the roman numeral for five. Lets see what you wagered." He reveals his wager and it says "suck it trebek" with the V from his answer making up half of the K in suck. Trebek reads it " Suck it trebek .... my that's cute." and the skit finnishes with connery saying "that's right trebek, suck it..."
  9. Mar 30, 2003 #8
    Was that the one where he chose the Therapist catagory? That one just made me laugh, and laugh...
  10. Mar 30, 2003 #9
    Haha, I'm afraid that's not the one I learned a few decades ago. It is too 'rated' to post here but if anyone must have it you can PM me.

    Here's one;
    Oh, the monkey wrapped his tail around the flag pole....
  11. Mar 31, 2003 #10
    I liked the Latino bowler's rant in The Big Lebowski. Lessee what the forum censors do to this:
  12. Mar 31, 2003 #11
    Haha, The Big L is a great movie, the hispanic bowler is named "The Jesus".

    "Nobody ****s with the jesus". "Let me tell you something, pendejo. You pull any of your crazy **** with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I'll take it away from you, stick it up your ass and pull the ****ing trigger 'til it goes "click.""

    or this one

    "..whereas what we have here? A bunch of fig-eaters wearing towels on their heads, trying to find reverse in a Soviet tank. This is not a worthy adversary."

    or this one

    "Smokey, this is not 'Nam. This is bowling. There are rules. "
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2003
  13. Mar 31, 2003 #12
    "we are nihilists, we beleive in nussing"
  14. Mar 31, 2003 #13
    You want a toe? I'll get you a toe. WITH nailpolish.

    But my fave line is when walter takes his ex-wife's dog to the bowling alley. The dude gets mad and says something to the effect of "you brought a dog bowling?!?" and walter replies "I didn't BRING it bowling, I'm not buying it a ****ing beer..."
  15. Mar 31, 2003 #14
    Actually, that's not how it goes. I have this memorized.

    "I've got a conundrum for you...a riddle, if you will. What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold? One's a sick duck....I can remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore! Ah ha ha ha!"

    Good ol' Sean.
  16. Mar 31, 2003 #15

    Another God

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    Were these celebrity jeopardies real? Like the real sean connery? Or were they similar to that Celebrity Death match stuff done on MTV?

    Can u download them?
  17. Mar 31, 2003 #16
    They were not the real people. LoL. That would have been great. They are actors playing the actors. You can find some with your favorite Fast-Track client.
  18. Apr 1, 2003 #17
    The Big Lebowski is by my favorite comedy of all time. Damn, I must of watched that movie nearly 20 times (I should note that 12 of those times was during the only 6 months of my life I was a marijuana smoker - go figure, eh?)

    Some other great quotes:

    Maude Lebowski: In a sense, yes. My art has been commended as being strongly vaginal which bothers some men. The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina.

    The Dude: Mr. Treehorn treats objects like women.

    [The Dude: ****in' Quintana... that creep can roll, man.
    Walter Sobchak: Yeah, but he's a pervert, Dude.
    The Dude: Yeah.
    Walter Sobchak: No, he's a sex offender. With a record. He served 6 months in Chino for exposing himself to an eight year old.

    Walter Sobchak: Saturday, Donny, is shabbas, the Jewish day of rest. That means I don't work, I don't drive a car, I don't ****ing ride in a car, I don't handle money, I don't turn on the oven, and I sure as **** don't ****ing roll!

    And my favorite:

    Waitress: Could you please keep your voices down--this is a family restaurant.
    Walter Sobchak: Oh, please dear! I've got news for you: the Supreme Court has roundly rejected prior restraint!
    The Dude: Walter, this isn't a First Amendment thing.
    Waitress: Sir, if you don't calm down I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
    Walter Sobchak: Lady, I got buddies who died face-down in the muck so you and I could enjoy this family restaurant!
    The Dude: All right, I'm leaving. I'm sorry ma'am.
    Walter Sobchak: Don't run away from this, Dude! Goddamnit, this affects all of us!... Our basic freedoms!... I'm staying. Finishing my coffee... I'm Finishing my coffee.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 1, 2003
  19. Apr 1, 2003 #18
    ^^^ I love the Maude quote, and it's so true... knew plenty of friends who would swear up a storm but had trouble with the 'V-word.' I do fine unless I'm talking to a girlfriend. :)

    Also gotta give props to some great ATHF monologues:
  20. Apr 1, 2003 #19
    this is from one of the funniest movies of all time, 'withnail and i', i cry with laughter whenever i watch it...

    Do you grow?


    Oh you little traitors. I think the carrot infinitely more fascinating than the geranium. The carrot has mystery. Flowers are essentially tarts. Prostitutes for the bees. There is you'll agree a certain je ne ses quoi oh so very special about a firm young carrot. Excuse me. Do help yourselves to another drink.

    ooh ooh and this one:

    Look at that, look at that. Accident black spot. These aren't accidents. They're throwing themselves into the road gladly. Throwing themselves into the road to escape all this hideousness. (To a pedestrian) Throw yourselves into the road darling, you haven't got a chance.
  21. Apr 1, 2003 #20

    Another God

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    From The Young Ones (an 80's British Comedy.)

    Neil: "Its my birthday, so I'm going to have a party and I want you to know you are all invited because you're my friends.

    Well, you aren't really my friends, you just pretend to be.

    Well, actually, you don't even pretend to be.

    In fact, you all really hate me, and If I was like dying right, and on my death bed, you wouldn't even come and visit me..."

    And from another episode, a quick quote from Rick:
    "I can't go to prison! I'm too pretty, I'll be Raped!!"
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