The Best Monologues Ever

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[SOLVED] The Best Monologues Ever

In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no-one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team.
  • #2
There once was a man from Nantucket...
  • #3
Originally posted by mouseman
There once was a man from Nantucket...

You know its funny, I always here people start this and they always fade off after the first line like something dirty is coming ahead, and you probably already know what it is. But I've never heard the later part of this. Someone needs to post it, or pm me it or something because its really beginning to bother me!
  • #4
Okay people I'm desperate here. It turns out mouseman doesn't know what the rest of it is either. I would really really appreciate it if someone could pm me the rest of that little verse, it's just been bugging me for far to long, I must know what it is!
  • #5
i believe sean conory best expressed it on a celberity jeporty on SNL there once was a man from Nantucket... I don't know he rest but your mothers a whore
  • #6
  • #7
Originally posted by The Grimmus
i believe sean conory best expressed it on a celberity jeporty on SNL there once was a man from Nantucket... I don't know he rest but your mothers a whore

This is much better then the original. Those celebrity jeopardy's with sean connery are the best. I love those. A few of my favorite lines from them:

Trebek ask's a question and Keanu Reeves buzzes in "uhmm, uuuuhhhhm, I know kung fu." "What does that possibly have to do with the question?" "uhhm uhmm I know kung fu."

and thebest one is where trebek decides to do away with the final jeopardy question and just give them one they can answer "alright for your question just right a number." The music plays and it shows them thinking. Time runs out and they go through the answers. One of the players wrote a backwards 2, and trebek disses on him. Keanu Reeves reveals his answer and its "threeve" trebek disses on him some more. Then connery reveals his and its a "V" trebek is like "well despite your best attempts to do otherwise you actually win becuase V is the roman numeral for five. Let's see what you wagered." He reveals his wager and it says "suck it trebek" with the V from his answer making up half of the K in suck. Trebek reads it " Suck it trebek ... my that's cute." and the skit finnishes with connery saying "that's right trebek, suck it..."
  • #8
Was that the one where he chose the Therapist category? That one just made me laugh, and laugh...
  • #9
Originally posted by Sensei
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

I think that's the original. Deduce what you will.

Peace be with you.
Haha, I'm afraid that's not the one I learned a few decades ago. It is too 'rated' to post here but if anyone must have it you can PM me.

Here's one;
Oh, the monkey wrapped his tail around the flag pole...
  • #10
I liked the Latino bowler's rant in The Big Lebowski. Lessee what the forum censors do to this:
What is this "day of rest" ****? What is this bull****, man? I don't ****ing care! It don't matter to Jesus! But you're not fooling me! You might fool the ****s in the league office, but you don't fool Jesus! It's bush league psych-out stuff! Laughable, man! I would've ****ed you in the *** Saturday, I'll **** you in the *** next Wednesday instead!
  • #11
Haha, The Big L is a great movie, the hispanic bowler is named "The Jesus".

"Nobody ****s with the jesus". "Let me tell you something, pendejo. You pull any of your crazy **** with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I'll take it away from you, stick it up your ass and pull the ****ing trigger 'til it goes "click.""

or this one

"..whereas what we have here? A bunch of fig-eaters wearing towels on their heads, trying to find reverse in a Soviet tank. This is not a worthy adversary."

or this one

"Smokey, this is not 'Nam. This is bowling. There are rules. "
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  • #12
"we are nihilists, we believe in nussing"
  • #13
You want a toe? I'll get you a toe. WITH nailpolish.

But my fave line is when walter takes his ex-wife's dog to the bowling alley. The dude gets mad and says something to the effect of "you brought a dog bowling?!?" and walter replies "I didn't BRING it bowling, I'm not buying it a ****ing beer..."
  • #14
Originally posted by The Grimmus
i believe sean conory best expressed it on a celberity jeporty on SNL there once was a man from Nantucket... I don't know he rest but your mothers a whore

Actually, that's not how it goes. I have this memorized.

"I've got a conundrum for you...a riddle, if you will. What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold? One's a sick duck...I can remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore! Ah ha ha ha!"

Good ol' Sean.
  • #15
Were these celebrity jeopardies real? Like the real sean connery? Or were they similar to that Celebrity Death match stuff done on MTV?

Can u download them?
  • #16
They were not the real people. LoL. That would have been great. They are actors playing the actors. You can find some with your favorite Fast-Track client.
  • #17
The Big Lebowski is by my favorite comedy of all time. Damn, I must of watched that movie nearly 20 times (I should note that 12 of those times was during the only 6 months of my life I was a marijuana smoker - go figure, eh?)

Some other great quotes:

Maude Lebowski: In a sense, yes. My art has been commended as being strongly vaginal which bothers some men. The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina.

The Dude: Mr. Treehorn treats objects like women.

[The Dude: ****in' Quintana... that creep can roll, man.
Walter Sobchak: Yeah, but he's a pervert, Dude.
The Dude: Yeah.
Walter Sobchak: No, he's a sex offender. With a record. He served 6 months in Chino for exposing himself to an eight year old.

Walter Sobchak: Saturday, Donny, is shabbas, the Jewish day of rest. That means I don't work, I don't drive a car, I don't ****ing ride in a car, I don't handle money, I don't turn on the oven, and I sure as **** don't ****ing roll!

And my favorite:

Waitress: Could you please keep your voices down--this is a family restaurant.
Walter Sobchak: Oh, please dear! I've got news for you: the Supreme Court has roundly rejected prior restraint!
The Dude: Walter, this isn't a First Amendment thing.
Waitress: Sir, if you don't calm down I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Walter Sobchak: Lady, I got buddies who died face-down in the muck so you and I could enjoy this family restaurant!
The Dude: All right, I'm leaving. I'm sorry ma'am.
Walter Sobchak: Don't run away from this, Dude! Goddamnit, this affects all of us!... Our basic freedoms!... I'm staying. Finishing my coffee... I'm Finishing my coffee.
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  • #18
^^^ I love the Maude quote, and it's so true... knew plenty of friends who would swear up a storm but had trouble with the 'V-word.' I do fine unless I'm talking to a girlfriend. :)

Also got to give props to some great ATHF monologues:
Hello, Carl, I am Ignignot, and this is Ur. We are Mooninites from the inner core of the Moon. [you said it right!] Our race is hundreds of years beyond yours. [man, you hear what he's sayin?] Some would say that the Earth is our moon. But that would belittle the name of our Moon, which is The Moon. [point is, we're at the center, not you!]
  • #19
this is from one of the funniest movies of all time, 'withnail and i', i cry with laughter whenever i watch it...

Do you grow?


Oh you little traitors. I think the carrot infinitely more fascinating than the geranium. The carrot has mystery. Flowers are essentially tarts. Prostitutes for the bees. There is you'll agree a certain je ne ses quoi oh so very special about a firm young carrot. Excuse me. Do help yourselves to another drink.

ooh ooh and this one:

Look at that, look at that. Accident black spot. These aren't accidents. They're throwing themselves into the road gladly. Throwing themselves into the road to escape all this hideousness. (To a pedestrian) Throw yourselves into the road darling, you haven't got a chance.
  • #20
From The Young Ones (an 80's British Comedy.)

Neil: "Its my birthday, so I'm going to have a party and I want you to know you are all invited because you're my friends.

Well, you aren't really my friends, you just pretend to be.

Well, actually, you don't even pretend to be.

In fact, you all really hate me, and If I was like dying right, and on my death bed, you wouldn't even come and visit me..."

And from another episode, a quick quote from Rick:
"I can't go to prison! I'm too pretty, I'll be Raped!"
  • #21
Kids In The Hall monologues:
Jesus was a poor carpenter:

Hi! As I'm sure you're all aware, there's a movement amongst archaeologists to attempt to reconcile the biblical account of history with the archaeological record. Now, I'm an intellectually curious young man with, let's face it, no real job. So, I've done some exploring of my own in this vain. The Bible tells us that Christ was trained as a carpenter. But in my most recent digs, I've found artifacts that show He was not a very good carpenter.

This chair, for example. One of the legs is significantly shorter than the other. This causes a certain degree of _wobbling_ and a more subtle defect, no lower back support. Over here we have a table. Now this table has only two legs. Now, I've conferred with many leading contemporary carpenters and they all agree that three is the bare minimum required for stability. Observe. [lets go of table and it falls down]. Even taking into account the primitive times, this portrays a shocking lack of craftsmanship. Now over here we have this, and frankly, I have no idea what this is. For a while I thought it might be a spice rack of some sort. But watch. If I take this jar of crushed cumin seed and place it here...[jar rolls off onto the floor] Clearly, if it is a spice rack, it is not a spice rack of the best ilk.

Conclusions: Yes, Christ was a great philosophical and religious leader; perhaps, even as some maintain, the Savior or Messiah. But it seems clear that He had few career options. As a carpenter, He was incompetent. He would've been unable even to construct the simple crucifix upon which ultimately He met his martyrdom. Now, I know that these views are going to be controversial. But I am also aware that if Christina Applegate were to express them wearing a halter top, you'd eat it up. Thanks!


Bruce On How To Break Into Show Biz:

Listen -- I'm no role model. I don't give advice. But over the last
couple of years I've received a lot of letters, all with the same
questions: Bruce, how do you get started in comedy, you know, acting and
writing? And what advice do you have for someone trying to break in? OK,
here it goes...

First of all, I guess if you're in school, make jokes. Don't worry about
it if your teachers like it or not. The only teacher you should listen
to anyway is your English teacher. But not too much, because, remember --
No One Understands You [flashes on screen]. Education is not your
friend. Neither is sleep; you won't need it where you're going. Instead
of studying, try listening to tragically loud music daily. And be strict
with yourself -- you got to do it everyday!

You know, now that I think about it, I think it's very important to let
liquor be the wind beneath your wings. Yeah, I guess I'd have to advise
drinking a lot with guys like Calvin Renny and Terry Rockio and
pissing out the back of a fast-moving truck. Oh, and if a policeman goes
by, try doing this under your breath: "Pig pig oink oink bacon sandwich
at 2:00". Now, get a lot of experience coming home drunk. Stand up to
your dad; he may tower over you now, but as be begins to shrink, you pick
your day.

It's very important that you begin to juggle lovers. Remember: ["No One
Understands You" flashes on screen].

I think it would be helpful to get a lot of dead-end jobs in warehouses
with linear thinking racist pigs who will teach you only one thing: how
to steal.

Did I mention piss out the back of a fast-moving truck? Oh, I did -- OK
-- Then move to the biggest city you can find, get the smallest apartment
you can find, keep your underware in a bowl in the fridge, never answer
your phone, never remember your family's birthdays, never make it home
for Christmas, think a lot about vampires, death and sex with your
friends' mothers...or fathers -- you figure it out, I did. Wear a
crash helmet around just in case, watch your friends get married and grow
beards to cover their puffy, compromising faces...then get a TV show.

I guess I'd have to say that that's my only advice.


Mississippi Gary's Life after death song:

Smokin' on a night train, chewin' on a jelly roll,
Smokin' on a night train, chewin' on a jelly roll,
I'm runnin' up a flag without a pole,
I'm walkin' on a shoe without a sole,
Smokin' on a night train, chewin' on a jelly roll.

(OK here i' comes, lesson one.)
You can't cook an egg unless you got yourself a frying pan.
(You know it's the truth.)
You can't cook an egg unless you got yourself a frying pan.
You shouldn't rob a bank without a plan,
You shouldn't use your tongue to stop a fan.
Smokin' on a night train, chewin' on a jelly roll.

(Now here come lesson number two.)
Shouldn't want to do it if you don't want to not do it right.
Eba-dabba-dooba-daba-deba-daba-do, all right.
(I ain't makin' this up.)
You don't go dancin' in the day,
You don't golfin' in the night.
Smokin' on a night train, chewin' on a jelly roll.
Smokin' on a night train, chewin' on a jelly roll.


Bikini Inspector


I'm a bikini inspector. It's not a joke, I inspect bikinis. It's my job.
You know, I see a lot of guys on the beach wearin' "Bikini Inspector"
t-shirts. But they're not real bikini inspectors, they just wish they
were, for some weird reason. I don't know why anyone would pretend to be a
bikini inspector. It's a menial job. You got to take a bus there every
day. There's an hour right there. You work in a dank factory, you gotta
inspect four or five thousand units, your eyes start to go buggy and
squinty. Shift work too, you know? And for that you make, well, let's just
say the amount of money I make's my own business. Although I do make
somewhere around $8.67 an hour. Bikini inspector. The only job worse than
that is the job I had in Collingwood, Ontario. Workin' in the woods. I
was on the beaver patrol. Rotten job, mud in your boots, trapsin' through
the underbrush lookin' for beaver dams that are cloggin' up the irrigation
system. One beaver even bit my thumb. But it's all par for the course on
the beaver patrol. You know, I'd go out after work, beaver bites all over
my thumbs, go to a bar for a quick drink, and I'd see guys there wearin'
t-shirts that said my job on them. But not like other rotten jobs, like
"Fry cook" or "Night security guard at an out of the way mall." So, I'd be
sittin' there, tryin' to find pride in my work, wearin' my beaver patrol
t-shirt, and the women stare at ya. Well, I'm sorry ma'am, if I'm not a
doctor, but thems the breaks. One woman even bit my thumb. But I'm
gettin' out of here. Tryin' to get on as a "Muff Diver." Read it on a
t-shirt. I don't know what it is, but, that job can't be much worse than
what I'm doin' now, eh? Eh? Yeah...
  • #22
The guy from the original Dragnet doing his monolouge about the "Copper Clappers", that one is funny!

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