Finding the One: A Guide to Long-Term Relationships for Geeks

[cronxeh]

OK it seems we need to talk about relationships. As a lifelong geek I'd like to point something out. I can't talk about all of you but I can assume and extrapolate, and I'd like to hear your stories and input on this matter.

I think we all longing to be with someone and often times feel loneliness on a deep level, the kind that comes out when we are inebriated or surfaces when we are dealing with what seems to be a very attractive person. You know the feeling, and you know you want to feel 'complete'. There are lots of guides and books online but they all deal with shallow stuff, like pickups and gameplay, etc. Some of that material is useful, but not for the long-term relationship that I look for.

Lets be honest with ourselves here. We all have an idea of what we want out of our mate, and have a few candidates in mind. For whatever reason we have either not talked to them or are simply afraid to ask them, feel some kind of anxiety or depression or just assume that they are happy and carefree on their own and that you are not worthy. Thinking of that beautiful girl across the room sometimes gives you shame and an introverted guilt, perhaps, and maybe you just don't think she will like you and you are afraid of rejection.

But what if, and I am not trying to sell a book here, what if you could get her/him? What if what you thought you knew about the world and your assumptions and stereotypes are wrong just this once? What if your conscious read on that person is wrong, but your subconscious desire is right?

How would you approuch this person, get them to tell you in not so many words exactly what is going on here and who she is, what her deal is, desires, dreams and aspirations and if you are the sexiest stud muffin she has ever seen so far today? What if you just can't do it? Are you going to go silently into the Darwinian night and never be heard of again?

I think it all starts with being fed up with your reality, and reaching the threshold where you say to yourself 'enough.' I think that day should've been yesterday if you read this far, and I think you owe it to yourself to keep reading and more importantly commiting to what I am about to tell you..

 

[cronxeh]

You've been approaching this situation from a wrong angle and you need to adjust yourself (not change), just adjust your attitude and your ideas a little.

First of all, not all women will like you. If they all liked you, then oneday your sweet girlfriend will cheat on you with everyone else, because you are no better or worse than anybody else. Do not think you are better than everyone else. Think different. Women have their tastes and preferences and they have their own mind that is just as evolved as yours if not more so. Women are not stupid, and they will realize if you are disrespecting them (at least the ones that you want to be attracted to).

Set a few standards for yourself. Narrow down the list of things you want out of your girlfriend and don't compromise. There are core values that have to be compatible or the whole relationship will just come to a halt oneday. You need to really ask yourself what is it that you want from your mate and why do you want to be in a relationship? Are you looking for love and affection and a devotion? Someone who will be there with you and cuddle your sorrow away? You shouldn't look for that. What about intelligence? How would you measure her potential against yours? Is it whether she gets your jokes or gets the subjects that you find interesting or is it the ability to appreciate your hard work and find comfort in knowing that she wants to be with someone like you?

These may seem like empty words connected with other words, but there is a meaning behind this. You are choosing to be in a relationship, a very rewarding experience that involves sacrifice, compromise, and hard work. You can't get what you want without putting real effort into it. If you are not willing to try to get the girl now, why would you be willing to work to keep her interested in the future?

 

[turbo]

I think you've got the sig backward. An ethical man will not cheat on his wife. A moral man is secure in the knowledge that his god(s) will forgive him for doing so. There are all kinds of people that claim to be "moral", but they parse the rules of their beliefs like ambulance-chasers looking for an "edge" or a loophole.

 

[cronxeh]

Now that I got that introductory 'this is serious business' speech out of the way, let's talk about that beautiful girl across the room that you've been lusting over in silence. You do realize you don't have a chance with her right? Not right now.

First you need to be calm, both inside and outside. Whether she rejects you should never be something that would devastate your world and leave you holding a razor blade to your wrist. Its just stupid. Become calm and be calm, not easy at all. This alone is probably one of the hardest things to overcome and it will take you the most amount of time. There are ways to go about this, I prefer the pharmaceutical route, but that is just me. It will not work in the long run, but perhaps regular exercise and sleep will, whatever it is you need to find it ASAP. The attitude that you project is picked up by other people, and most importantly by the subject of your desire.

Confidence. That is a very tough bear, but confidence and calm go together. Confidence comes from an inner understand of yourself, and accepting your own limitations. Your virtues are built on the foundation of your limitations. You may be a great guy, but if you keep thinking about your limitations then you will become a very boring, insecure guy. Just stop thinking negatively about yourself and start accepting everything that you can't change. If there are things you want to change that can be changed, then do that (lose weight, gain muscles, stop smoking, buy clean clothe, get a good job, get a hobby, etc).

Once we've dealt with emotional baggage, its time to build you up. If you are a guy, you are not a boy, you are a man. Start acting like a man, and by acting I mean being a man. Being a confident man comes from an inner strenght of character, an unwavering desire to be all you can be. There are some guys who think that they are not like that, and those guys will bring you down with them if you relate to being a wimp. You need to stop being a wimp who walks around with his shoulders slouching down, looks on the ground, too shy to talk to people, and generally doesn't feel like a man for whatever reason. You need to be more assertive, and take charge of any situation. You will not succeed at first, you will not succeed a lot of times, but if you keep trying and getting up after being knocked out by others, eventually you will succeed. Once you succeed you need to keep improving yourself, pick up the pace and believe more in your own ability to be calm, confident, assertive

 

[cronxeh]

I think you've got the sig backward. An ethical man will not cheat on his wife. A moral man is secure in the knowledge that his god(s) will forgive him for doing so. There are all kinds of people that claim to be "moral", but they parse the rules of their beliefs like ambulance-chasers looking for an "edge" or a loophole.

Morality doesn't come from religion. Religion is amoral.


On this note I got to take a break and type up the rest of this 'guide' at a later time. Please work on the first 3 steps as they will take the most amount of time just to understand what they mean and how to get them done.

 

[AUK 1138]

dude. here's the guiding for getting with women: "Want to talk and be sexual with them." if you actually want that, it's a lot easier. if you're ashamed of your sexuality or whatnot, you're destined to fail.

 

[cronxeh]

dude. here's the guiding for getting with women: "Want to talk and be sexual with them." if you actually want that, it's a lot easier. if you're ashamed of your sexuality or whatnot, you're destined to fail.

Most guys out there don't have the calm, confident, and assertive attitude to initiate and keep conversation with said women. You are not helping by giving a two line response, please contribute with examples and positive psychology

 

[AUK 1138]

Most guys out there don't have the calm, confident, and assertive attitude to initiate and keep conversation with said women. You are not helping by giving a two line response, please contribute with examples and positive psychology

well then, the best advice i can give is to not hit on girls in engineering or physics or math classes. go out and meet people on campus, or wherever you see a cute girl. just start by looking women in the eyes as you pass, move to smiling, saying hi etc. eventually talking to women won't be that hard. don't get me wrong, I'm no cassanova, but i used to be a LOT worse.

 

[bleedblue1234]

I used to be like this a few years ago, but since I have gotten a lot better...

SOO many men are completely clueless when it comes to women (especially on forums like these). Women don't want the type of guy you are describing, they want a real man (not some guy who runs around posting on forums like this... trust me from experience that real life is a whole different ballgame, much more fun, interesting, and drama filled actually).

Spend some time here: http://www.artofmanliness.com"

Skills involving woman are about a 180 degree transition from anything you deal with in the other parts of your life, (you need to really get off the whole philosophical/inner-self debate crap and appeal to a woman's emotions) especially if you are in the sciences...

 

[anubis01]

You really shouldn't have to change whom you are in order to pick up women. Really the best thing to do is just approach women not in math or physics classes but in libraries, cafes, malls etc.

 

[DanP]

Why do you complicate it more than it's worth ? It's simple. Some relations will work, other won't.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the tradewinds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

Mark Twain

Go talk to the bimbo next door :P Youll get over rejection easier than living in fear and not acting because of it.

 

[Astronuc]

On this note I got to take a break and type up the rest of this 'guide' at a later time. Please work on the first 3 steps as they will take the most amount of time just to understand what they mean and how to get them done.

I'm not sure what are the first 3 steps.

I'm married, so I can't 'pursue' women. I usually just engage in light conversation, much like I do here at PF.

I've had women approach me, but since I wear a wedding band, that limits the interaction.

I've met some extraordinary women, and I've enjoyed cordial, platonic relationships with them. There was one in particular, such that all I can say is that if I wasn't married to my wife, I'd be married to someone else.

With respect to relationships, it has me thinking of Juliette Binoche, who has had multiple relationships.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Juliette_Binoche#Personal_life

 

[Gear.0]

I don't understand.. What's wrong with approaching someone in your math/science classes?

 

[AUK 1138]

I don't understand.. What's wrong with approaching someone in your math/science classes?

nothing inherently, but the fact of the matter is (at least at my university) that there are very few women in these classes. fewer women means fewer possible relationships, means fewer achievable relationships. more importantly, however, is the fact that talking to people outside of math and physics classes forces you to learn some social skills, which will actually make it easier to get girls in your math/physics classes if you so choose.

 

[fictionftw]

I feel that you have the right idea, but you're approaching it in the wrong way. :]

You shouldn't try to become confident in order to appeal to women. You should just try to be confident in yourself, FOR yourself.

You should learn to value, appreciate, and believe in yourself. From self-acceptance comes self-confidence. Self-confidence will lead to a healthier, happier you - a person who smiles more, who talks more, who has the self-assuredness to open up to more people. And one of those people will be a cute girl, who happens to think you're sweet and cute and funny. And before you know it, you can't stop thinking about her, and before she knows it, she's completely in love with you, and then the two of you have done something called Fallen in Love, and will then go on to Live Happily Ever After.

And that's how you 'meet women'. You know, I find that to be a strange term, and you shouldn't really approach it like that. You just want to meet people, and make friends. You don't need to learn 5 pick up lines, buy Old Spice cologne, and wear leather jackets in order to 'meet women'. It's not like you need to learn the magic password, or speak to women in a different way than you would to your friends. People can tell if you're being fake, and besides, you should look to make friends/meet girls that like you for you.

More importantly, YOU should like you for you. Seriously, if you feel down on yourself, or think you can't do something, or talk to somebody, remind yourself that nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent, and you just absolutely can't consent at any time. You ARE worth it, you ARE powerful, you are the only one who you should care about pleasing.

Sometimes I'll get really down because I feel like I'm a failure at life, or I've done something stupid and I'm kicking myself for being a moron, or I'm scared that people are laughing at me, or I'm afraid I'll never amount to anything, or I feel myself buckling under some kind of external/internal pressure, I try to remind myself that the most you should ever worry about is being a good person, and making good choices to the best of your ability.

It's like the classic middle school song, "Middle" by Jimmy Eat World, says (I lovelovelove Jimmy Eat World), "Live right now, yeah, just be yourself/ It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else." Don't worry about impressing the girl, or anybody for that matter. Learn to love yourself, and love will find you.

Learn to take joy in anything, to take joy in everything. Do a little dance in the shower, laugh in the mirror instead of frowning over fat places. Smile at the cute girl in Barnes and Noble, or chat with an old guy at the gym. Sing in the car, eat ice cream often! Get thrilled during movie commercials, and rock out to new songs on the radio.

Take a moment to recognize that there are true tragedies in life, and strive to shake off the ignorance with which we are born. Face each day with your head held high, knowing that while you can change the world, sometimes you have to settle for changing someone's day with a smile.

Just do what you can. Make choices so that you look back, and while you may laugh at yourself for being stupid, you can always respect the person that you were.

Always know that you deserve someone who loves you. Nobody can tell you what to think. There are times in high school when I was moving around, and I didn't have any friends, or when I screwed up and people were mad at me, and I felt simply alone, and scared, and worthless. But you know what? You have to face the haters. You can't ever give up. You can't ever let someone else decide how you feel, or dictate how you should act. You are you! With enough enthusiasm to brush off the negativity, enough charm to soften the world, enough passion to change the future, and enough energy to say, "I am me! Hear me ROAAAAAR!"

And girls, and love, and all that fun stuff? That will come the day that you've realized you're fine without it. :]

 

[AUK 1138]

Well, new evidence suggests that my approach works. scientific reasoning ftw.

 

[nucleargirl]

I think you've got the sig backward. An ethical man will not cheat on his wife. .

I totally agree! he's got the whole frigging sig completely the wrong way round! and true men will not cheat!

 

[nucleargirl]

You really shouldn't have to change whom you are in order to pick up women. Really the best thing to do is just approach women not in math or physics classes but in libraries, cafes, malls etc.

yes! libraries are awesome! I love libraries! you know, when its late and you are the only two people in the library both working on your last minute esays due in for the next morning... and you take a break, raise your bespectacled eyes away from the monitor... suddenly you notice her gazing from across the room... she could be resting her eyes and just happen to have her head in your direction... or she might have been watching you... getting distracted by your presence...

so you stand up! and leave! you can finish your essay in your room! no good distracting someone else from their work too! hahaha!

 

[nucleargirl]

Why do you complicate it more than it's worth ? It's simple. Some relations will work, other won't.

True! words of truth!

 

[nucleargirl]

I don't understand.. What's wrong with approaching someone in your math/science classes?

Absolutely nothing! nothing wrong with it! its a good way to make friends!

 

[nucleargirl]

nothing inherently, but the fact of the matter is (at least at my university) that there are very few women in these classes. fewer women means fewer possible relationships, means fewer achievable relationships. more importantly, however, is the fact that talking to people outside of math and physics classes forces you to learn some social skills, which will actually make it easier to get girls in your math/physics classes if you so choose.

thats true - I'm guessing maths and physics classes have way more guys than girls... great fi you are gay huh! why are there not more gay physicists!?
anyway, what I wanted to say was: go to the biology class! haha! its perfect - way more girls in biology class than guys, the girls are generally not religious - evolution clashes somewhat with creation! and they are smart and logically-minded! win-win!
yeah, and try arts/language subjects too! loads of girls everywhere!

 

[nucleargirl]

yeah, from a girls perspective (even though i couldn't be bothered to read the whole guide - too long man!) this 'guide' is a bit rubbish... I can give better relationship advice!

like the other person said: be confident for you! not to get girls! Be yourself!

yeah! ask me! I'll help!

disclaimer: not responsible for results of said help :p