# The Guys' Rules

1. Feb 23, 2007

### Ivan Seeking

Staff Emeritus
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules"
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!

Men are NOT mind readers.

Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Sunday sports.. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one

You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh

2. Feb 23, 2007

### Staff: Mentor

Heh, I've seen that before, good one.

Although as far as Christopher Columbus goes
Yeah, but he needed a woman's money to get there. :tongue:

3. Feb 23, 2007

### arunma

I've seen this before, but it gives me quite the laugh even the second time around.

Still, this is a physics forum. Practically everyone here already knows and lives by these rules.

4. Feb 23, 2007

### BobG

I think this one is the only on that really bothers me. It stifles creativity. A shoe keeps the door from closing and the shoe is in a spot where no one will trip over it. The door is fixed. Besides, you have too many shoes.

Unless, of course, someone lends me their battery operated drill complete with screw driver attachment. In that case, then, yes, the door also needed a tie rack, which meant the wall adjacent to the door needed a clothes rack if for no other reason than to prevent the tie rack from punching a hole in the wall. And the mirror had to be moved to the hallway side of the door to prevent the clothes rack from breaking it. It can't be that much trouble to open and close the door. Heck, I ran out of time and never did get a chance to fixing the hinge so the door closes itself, anyway.

Well, this one bothers me a little:
Christopher Columbus might not be the best example. In any event, I have several maps, a GPS receiver, and a Jeep. The combination makes directions unnecessary.

5. Feb 23, 2007

### Newbie says Hi

I like that. Taking the literal meaning :)

6. Feb 23, 2007

### Newbie says Hi

... under ideal weather conditions. :)

7. Feb 23, 2007

### Staff: Mentor

I've seen it before, but it is soooo true and would help soooo much if women understood/accepted it.

And before I get flamed, let me say that I really would appreciate an instruction manual for women as well.

8. Feb 23, 2007

### Schrodinger's Dog

Not the same but for some reason that reminds me of this.

No instruction manual needed

Sorry I'm off in tangent world

Last edited: Feb 23, 2007
9. Feb 23, 2007

### Moonbear

Staff Emeritus
Okay, here it is.

Women's Rules For Men

1. Call.

2. Don't lie.

3. Never tape any of her body parts together.

4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.

5. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."

6. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"

7. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.

8. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.

9. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.

10. "Honey," "Darling," and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag," "Lard*ss,"
and "B*tch" are bad.

11. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.

12. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.

13. None of your ex-girlfriends was ever nicer, prettier, or better
in bed.

14. Her cooking is excellent.

15. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.

16. Dish soap is your friend.

17. Hat does not equal shower, after-shave does not equal soap, and
warm does not equal clean.

18. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.

19. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never
going to end that conversation.

20. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"

21. Two words: clean socks.

22. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're
all sweaty.

23. Burping is not sexy.

24. You're wrong.

25. You're sorry.

26. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car
than you think she is.

27. Ditto for your discourse on football.

28. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single
bound.

29. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.

30. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.

31. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.

32. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels
like at that particular moment in time, and it could change
without notice.

33. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.

34. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.

35. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.

36. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like
a complete jerk until she does it for you.

37. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.

38. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.

39. Always, always suck up to her brother.

40. Think boxers. Silk boxers.

41. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so names.

42. Don't try to change the way she dresses.

43. Her haircut is never bad.

44. Don't let your friends pick on her.

45. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact
that she has to go through labor while you sit on your butt in
the waiting room, smoking cigars, isn't fair either, and it
balances everything.

46. She retains the right to change the rules at any time.

(I had to add that last one since I didn't like some on the list. )

Edit:

Oops, I missed a few...

TOP 30 THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT US!!!

1. Don't ever lie to us, we always find out.

2. We don't enjoy talking dirty to you as much as you enjoy listening.

3. Don't say you understand when you don't.

4. Girls are petty, get over it.

5. You don't have PMS; don't act like you know what it's like.

6. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.

7. If you talk about having a big dick, we know you don't.

8. Zit's happen to everyone. Yes, Mr. Perfect, even to you.

9. We don't like it when you act like Mr Big; we like it when you are Mr Big.

10.A system in your car only impresses your homeboys.

11. No matter what you say, your ex girlfriend is a pig.

12. It's good to be sensitive, sometimes.

13. If you did something wrong or even if you didn't, apologize.

14. Be spontaneous, dinner and a movie won't always cut it.

15. We are self-conscious by nature, we can't help it.

16. We are drama queens.

17. Fashion police do exist.

18. Don't ask us to give head; if you are nice you just might get it.

19. We absolutely do not care about monster trucks, or anything else you and your friends talk about, like: how much you know about the video games, porn, computers, Star Wars, etc.

20. Hugs and kisses must be given at all times.

21. We don't shave our legs every day, get over it.

22. Don't make bets about us, we always find out.

23. Shave - no matter how cool you think it looks, we hate it.

24. Even if you think it is cool to burp, fart, or emit other strange gases from your body, it's not.

25. Don't compare our breasts with Brittany Spear's, hers are fake.

26. It is not cool to shoot snot rockets.

27. We are beautiful, but make-up helps. (All girls love makeup, do not call us prissy or tell us we worry to much about the way we look for wearing it.)

28. We will always think we are fat so humor us and tell us we aren't.

29. It doesn't make you look cool to make fun of someone else.

30. If you ever beat us in a sport or game, it's always because you cheated, even if you didn't.

Nope, still more...I think this is the more comprehensive list.
The female always makes the rules
The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
No male can possibly know all the rules.
If the female suspects the MALE know all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
The female is never wrong.
If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a result of something the male did or said wrong.
The male must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding.
The female may change her mind at any time.
The male must never change his mind without the express written consent of the female.
The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The male must remain calm at all times unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry and/or upset.
The male is expected to mind read at all times.
Any attempt to document the rules could result in bodily harm.
If the female has PMS, all the rules are null and void.
The female is ready when she is ready.
The male must be ready at all time.
The male who doesn't abide by the rules can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.

See, it's all very simple. :rofl:

Last edited: Feb 23, 2007
10. Feb 23, 2007

### Cyrus

I saw a bumber sticker yesterday that read:

"Women make great leaders".....You're following one right now!

11. Feb 23, 2007

### Ivan Seeking

Staff Emeritus
After twenty years of marriage, here is what I have learned, guys.

"Yes dear, you're right, I'm wrong, I'm slime"

It makes life much simpler and I always get the last word.

12. Feb 23, 2007

### Staff: Mentor

I actually have a lot of Frederick's, they have some cute stuff.

13. Feb 23, 2007

### Moonbear

Staff Emeritus
Like I said, I needed to add a rule to account for the ones I didn't agree with. VS used to be cute, but now it's mostly lots of padding or just plain functional but not that cute stuff.

14. Feb 23, 2007

### Staff: Mentor

I like the rules you posted.

Fredericks has some really figure flattering clothes. Of course some is over the top. An ex-boyfriend used to go through my catalog, it would be "no", "NO", "ABSOLUTELY NOT", "OK". :tongue:

15. Feb 23, 2007

### Staff: Mentor

It was a tough night, so I'll have to admit I didn't get all the way through it (hmm.... didn't see that on the list :tongue: ), but....
Yeah, we certainly get that!

16. Feb 23, 2007

### Staff: Mentor

Yeah, I'm slowly learning that too...

I'm still not sure, though, if the last word is acceptable even if it is "yes, I'm an ahole."

17. Feb 23, 2007

### Alkatran

18. Feb 24, 2007

### BobG

What kind of people do you date?

You're not a crazed astronaut, are you? NASA spells out procedures for subduing out-of-control astronauts

19. Feb 24, 2007

### GeorginaS

If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one

I'm actually learning this one. Don't assume the worst.

Posted by Moonbear: #3 Never tape any of her body parts together

I was a bit curious about that one myself.

Last edited: Feb 24, 2007
20. Feb 24, 2007

### Staff: Mentor

Ditto. There are real people like that?!

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