Some funnies from www.theonion.com
BUSH TO CUT DEFICIT FROM FEDERAL BUDGET
WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush proposed a $2.4 trillion election-year budget Monday that would boost defense spending, redistribute funds among government programs, and cross out the $477 billion deficit entirely.
DOLPHINS EVOLVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS
HONOLULU—In an announcement with grave implications for the primacy of the species of man, marine biologists at the Hawaii Oceanographic Institute reported Monday that dolphins, or family Delphinidae, have evolved opposable thumbs on their pectoral fins.
ARCHAEOLOGICAL DIG UNCOVERS ANCIENT RACE OF SKELETON PEOPLE
AL JIZAH, EGYPT—A team of British and Egyptian archaeologists made a stunning discovery Monday, unearthing several intact specimens of "skeleton people"—skinless, organless humans who populated the Nile delta region an estimated 6,000 years ago.
CRAZED PALESTINIAN GUNMAN ANGERED BY STEROTYPES
HEBRON, WEST BANK—In an emotionally charged press conference Monday, crazed Palestinian gunman Faisal al Hamad expressed frustration over the stereotyping of his people.
IRAQ, KENTUCKY VIE FOR WORLD SHOOTING-INTO-THE-AIR SUPREMACY
COON HOLLOW, KY—In a rivalry that shows no signs of abating, Iraq and Kentucky remain locked in a bitter struggle for world shooting-into-the-air supremacy.
NORTH DAKOTA FOUND TO BE HARBOURING NUCLEAR MISSILES
BISMARCK, ND—The stage was set for another international showdown Monday, when chief U.N. weapons inspector Hans Blix confirmed that the remote, isolationist state of North Dakota is in possession of a large stockpile of nuclear missiles.
DEATH STAR TO OPEN DAY CARE CENTRE
After months of speculation, it was confirmed yesterday that the Death Star, the Empire's vaunted, planet-destroying space station, has added a new, state-of-the-art day care center to its already vast array of capabilities. The massive four-room day care center, which, according to Grand Moff Tarkin, will "provide a safe and fun learning environment for tots between the ages of one and four," has already begun spring enrollment and is expected to be fully operational by June 1.
NORTHERN IRISH, SERBS, HUTUS GRANTED HOMELAND IN WEST BANK
UNITED NATIONS—In a bold gambit hoped to resolve dozens of conflicts around the world, the U.N. announced Monday the establishment of Ethniklashistan, a multinational haven in the West Bank that will serve as a new homeland for Irish Protestants, Hutus, Serbs, and other troubled groups.
SECRET OF FIRE FALLS INTO RUSSIAN HANDS
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—U.S. satellite surveillance has produced clear evidence that the Russians have developed the technology to generate, implement, and contain the power of fire.
U.S. VOWS TO DEFEAT WHOEVER IT IS WE'RE AT WAR WITH
WASHINGTON, DC—In a televised address to the American people Tuesday, a determined President Bush vowed that the U.S. would defeat "whoever exactly it is we're at war with here."
If anyone can find the old story about Australia moving to North America, please let me know. Thanks.BUSH SEEKS U.N. SUPPORT FOR 'U.S. DOES WHATEVER IT WANTS' PLAN
UNITED NATIONS—In an address before the U.N. General Assembly Monday, President Bush called upon the international community to support his "U.S. Does Whatever It Wants" plan, which would permit the U.S. to take any action it wishes anywhere in the world at any time.
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