The Turnip Report

Ivan Seeking
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In the spirit of The Onion
http://www.theonion.com/content/index

I thought it might be fun to see if PFers can rival the Onion headlines with our own Turnip Report, so I'll take a stab at it.

Today, in an effort to increase health awareness, The American Heart Association recommended that the word "cheese" not be used for photographic purposes. "This only helps to promote poor eating habits in children, especially those who are aural learners" said Dr. Cracken. It is suggested that healthy words such as "fish", or "beets" be used instead.
- The Turnip
 
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Ha, good idea. Was the misspelling of habits on purpose?
 
Moonbear
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:rofl: And here I thought this was a thread for turbo to talk about his root crop from the garden. :biggrin: I like "The Turnip" better than "The Onion" as a title for a spoof story...reminds me of "I didn't just fall off the turnip truck."
 
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Whyn't "The Leek"? Or "The Chive"?
 
lisab
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Oh boy...this sounds like fun! I have to noodle this one around....
 
BREAKING: Richard Feynman zombie mauling TSA agents in desperate attempt to take overnight flight to Tuva.


Upcoming report: Psychic medium conversation with Nikola Tesla, his words: "Don't tase me bloke!"
 
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Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New 'Intelligent Falling' Theory

KANSAS CITY, KS—As the debate over the teaching of evolution in public schools continues, a new controversy over the science curriculum arose Monday in this embattled Midwestern state. Scientists from the Evangelical Center For Faith-Based Reasoning are now asserting that the long-held "theory of gravity" is flawed, and they have responded to it with a new theory of Intelligent Falling.

Burdett added: "Gravity—which is taught to our children as a law—is founded on great gaps in understanding. The laws predict the mutual force between all bodies of mass, but they cannot explain that force. Isaac Newton himself said, 'I suspect that my theories may all depend upon a force for which philosophers have searched all of nature in vain.' Of course, he is alluding to a higher power."

Proponents of Intelligent Falling assert that the different theories used by secular physicists to explain gravity are not internally consistent. Even critics of Intelligent Falling admit that Einstein's ideas about gravity are mathematically irreconcilable with quantum mechanics. This fact, Intelligent Falling proponents say, proves that gravity is a theory in crisis.
 
BobG
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turbo
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:rofl: And here I thought this was a thread for turbo to talk about his root crop from the garden. :biggrin: I like "The Turnip" better than "The Onion" as a title for a spoof story...reminds me of "I didn't just fall off the turnip truck."
My choice would have been "The Parsnip". :rolleyes:
 
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Wouldn't Intelligent Falling be more so a hypothesis since the 'intelligent' part is untestable?
 
Ivan Seeking
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Oh come on now, don't we have any PFers up to the challenge besides Greg?

Where are our creative geniuses? :biggrin:
 
Janus
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Disney sues IAU

Los Angelos CA- In a surprise move today, the Disney Corp. filed suit against the International Union of Astronomers. The suit claims that the IAU's decision to drop Pluto from the list of major planets caused serious financial hardship to the company. by depressing sales of merchandise based on their cartoon character of the same name.

"Sales of 'Pluto' related items just fell through the floor", according to one Disney Store employee.

A spokesperson for the company stated that Disney at first hoped it would be just a temporary slump, But when sales continue to fall almost two years later, "Action had to be taken", He said.

It is not yet clear whether the suit is seeking monetary compensation or a reversal of the decision.

Readers may remember a similar controversy when the failure of the NASA Viking probes to discover evidence of life on Mars caused a drop in interest in the Warner Brothers' character "Marvin the Martian". WB however, decided against taking legal action at the time.
 
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Global Warming Causes Tooth Decay In Children

In a startling announcement presented live on Fox news today a group of the worlds top scientists declared that Global warimng is now the main factor involved in childhood tooth decay.

Physicist Teddy Kirokcostiano, head scientist at Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory indicated that global warming was causing the fluoride in toothpaste to combine with iron in water and form small nail like structures that penetrate the teeth of young children.

Dr. Mel Buergenbunsen a dentist at Cleveland Clinic claimed: "The small holes in the teeth caused by the nails are allowing a rare bacteria usually found only in onions to flourish in the mouths of our children."
A Turnip.com exclusive report
 
In a shocking press release today, James Gleick announced his new book "Intelligence", a biography of Ben Stein. Gleick expounded in this volume the contribution of Ben Stein to the future of science, and the powerful affect it will have on humans worldwide.

Freeman Dyson also says: "This book is the clearest statement I have seen of the true spirit of science. Although I am a long-time friend and admirer of Ben Stein, I feel that I know him better after reading this book than I did before"

Vogue says "There is a technological grandeur about this new science that gives the imagination wings."
This has been a Turnip report
 
Ivan Seeking
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Washington, April 30th, 2008 - TR
In a stunning announcement that thrilled seven counties in Alabama and two in Texas, Senator McCain declared today that George W. Bush would be his running mate. “The Constitution allows two-term Presidents to run as Vice President”, said Sen, McCain, “and I intend to take full advantage of the Constitution. President Bush is the only person in Washington who is as committed to this war on terror as I am, and if we have to keep a Bush in office for a hundred years in order to win this war, then that’s what we’ll do, and I’ll be here to make sure that happens.”

Not to be upstaged and in an equally stunning announcement, Senator Clinton announced that Bill Clinton would be her running mate. “We are a team; we have always been a team, and we will always be a team”, said Sen. Clinton. “Between me, Bill, and Chelsea, we have the brains and the brawn to solve our problems at home, and abroad, and I intend to make that happen.” When asked if she has concerns about “Bill banging around the White House with nothing to do”, while pointing her finger at the cameras, Sen. Clinton responded, "Oh no, Cheney is leaving his shotgun for me”.
 
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Janus
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Oceanside, CA - TR

The Oceanside school district has added a new wrinkle to its plans to institute school uniforms starting next school year. The district is adding a uniform hair code, where only a few standard hairstyles will be allowed to be worn at school. The plan evolved when it was noted that many gangs were taking to using various grooming styles to denote gang affiliation. By limiting the way the students can wear their hair, the district hopes to put a stop to this practice.
Many students see this push for uniformity as an almost Orwellian attempt to stamp out any expression of individuality among the school body. When asked about this, school superindendent George GrossBruder said, " Nonsense. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that uniformity is individuality."
 
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Las Vegas, NV - TR
Today the first “micro-cell phone” was surgically implanted just behind the ear of a volunteer patient at the new ATT Hospital complex in Pahrump, Nevada. Several attempts were made to reach the patient for comment, but he was unavailable due to a severe case of tinnitus
 
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London UK, TR Sunday May 4, 2008

After his election to major of London, Boris Johnson proclaimed that the habit of driving left is no longer reflecting the political signature of the population. Hence a gradual conversion to driving right will be implemented. Each month another catagory will shift from the left side to the right side. The schedule is as follows: June 2008, cabs, July 2008, busses, August 2008 cars.
 
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Ivan Seeking
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Chicago, May 4 - TR
MRI shown to effect preference for direction of travel
A seven year study of patients previously subjected to the intense magnetic fields used in MRI studies - a medical imaging device - shows an unusual preference for longitudinal travel. Scientists at the Loopy Center in Chicago compared the destination choices of thousands of summer travelers to their respective points of origin. Former MRI patients were found to be seven times more likely to travel along lines running North and South, rather than East and West, as compared to control groups. Said Dr. Tesla, "The result was quite unexpected. We can only guess that iron in the blood may somehow play a role."
 
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BobG
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Tunes for the Road - California, May 5
Motorists used to listening to the radio or their favorite tunes on CDs have a new way to entertain themselves after engineers developed a musical road surface for the California Interstate highway system. More importantly, says California Department of Transportation head, Will Koembeck, the musical road surface will help maintain traffic at the posted speed limit.

Grooves, cut at specific intervals on the road surface, create a resonant vibrating tone in vehicles travelling on the road. Depending on how far apart the grooves are, high notes or low notes are created with the intervals varied to create well-known tunes. Stereo sound is created by using separate “music tracks” for the right side and left side tires. To hear the song in its best quality, the driver has to maintain the posted speed limit. Driving too fast or too slow distorts the music, creating unpleasant sensations in the driver’s psyche.

Reviews by motorists have been mixed. The most popular has been America’s “Ventura Highway” played on the Ventura Freeway. Commuter, Stan Solferstein, says, “I love it right up until you approach the San Diego Freeway interchange during rush hour. The music slows to a horrible drag. By time you slow to 4 mph, the music’s not even recognizable anymore.” Mark Abernathy loved the new road surface at first, but now complains, “They need to resurface the road with a new tune more often. If I have to listen to Richard Harris’s “MacArthur Park” every day for another month, I’m afraid I’ll go nuts and run my car off a bridge.”

Christian groups have decried the new road surfaces, citing California’s 1983 bill against backmasking that "can manipulate our behavior without our knowledge or consent and turn us into disciples of the Antichrist". Koembeck denied that construction workers had surreptitiously grooved secret satanic messages that could be heard only while driving in reverse on the Interstate, “Songs were specifically chosen by the National Academy of Television Arts and Sciences just to preclude such a possibility.”
 
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Gokul43201
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London UK, TR Monday May 5, 2008

To quell protests from the strongly leftist Cab Drivers' Union, Mayor Johnson has announced in a press conference, to sit down for discussions with Union representatives to arrive at a compromise. "The switch to the right has to be made," said the Mayor, "and we will do our best to make the transition as smooth as possible for the cab drivers", he added. One of the proposed compromises is that cabbies be given the opportunity to switch from left driving to right driving in a series of steps, including the opportunity to drive down the median for the middle third of June.

The Mayor began the briefing with strong words: "We understand that the transition will be difficult, and in the spirit of fair compromise we are delighted to present our middle-of-the-road offer."
...
 
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Ivan Seeking
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Hollywood, May 5 - TR

The four largest music companies filed suit against the State of California today for copyright violations. According to attorneys for the music companies, the State has illegally distributed music through the “Road Tunes” project that allows motorists to listen to music embedded in the asphalt, while driving. “This is no different than illegally downloading music on the internet. We seek fair compensation for each play of a song as is required for all other forms of media”, said attorney Leenon Mei. When Governor Schwarzenegger was asked by reporters if he thought the suit was unfair, he responded: “It looks like they got us on this one. We didn’t think anyone would notice.”

It is expected that the suit will be settled out of court and that motorists will be charged for each tune through a music toll system in much the same way that traditional toll roads operate. The price of the toll is expected to vary according to the popularity and quality of the tune embedded in each road - Rap and Disco will still be free of charge and only played by the least traveled roads.
 
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Ivan Seeking
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Boston, Mass. May 11 – TR
Officials at the Boston Aquarium announced today the death of a 45 lb Alligator snapping turtle, name Fluffy. According to investigators on the scene, a medical lockbox was left unattended several days ago and was later found and secreted away by the turtle. All of the drugs in the box were gone, and it is known that at least several grams of animal tranquillizer were consumed by Fluffy.

Fluffy had recently been rescued from a life of crime and was thought to have turned a new leaf. Said biologists: “She was engaged, she had a great attitude, and she was happy.” And though her keepers had noted a change in Fluffy’s behavior recently, sadly no one made the connection. “Over the last few days Fluffy was less active and more secretive, and she didn’t want to play with the other turtles, but we never suspected that she was using again. We are just heartbroken. The bags under her eyes should have clued me in” said the tearful spokesman.
 
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Long Beach, May 15.

Man trapped in sewer for 56 hours
Long Beach resident, “Iron” Mike Dyson, was rescued from the Long Beach sewer system yesterday when city workers responded to reports of “moaning voices” coming from a manhole cover. Dyson, trapped in the sewer system for 56 hours, reportedly was suffering from a crushed spine that left him paralyzed from the waist down.

Dyson was allegedly stealing manhole covers to sell as scrap metal when he fell 8 feet down the sewer shaft, followed by a 150 pound manhole cover. An unnamed officer on the scene remarked, “I thought it was supposed to be impossible for a round manhole cover to fall down a round shaft.”

The time of Dyson’s accident corresponds to a string of manhole cover thefts that occurred on the night of May 12. About seven manhole covers were missing along Gaviota Avenue, resulting in severe damage to Jane Lane’s Honda Element when she drove over several open manholes. Ms. Lane was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol. The city’s road maintenance supervisor, Ron Dellenbash, speculated that Dyson’s undoing was attempting to steal too many covers at the same time.

“It looks like he would steal one, roll it along to the next one, steal another, roll them both on to the next one, and so on. By time he reached the eighth manhole, he had more covers than he could handle. The fact that Gaviota Avenue has two different sizes of manholes didn’t help him much, either. As soon as you cross 14th, the manhole shafts get two inches bigger.”

The absence of the six missing covers remains a mystery. Officers declined to speculate on the possibility of a second thief reseating the lid to cover Dyson’s cries and making off with the proceeds of Dyson’s work.

Asked why it took 56 hours to discover and rescue Dyson in spite of numerous calls to the police about a “haunted” manhole, the unnamed officer replied, “It was just kids reporting it. Kids hear all kinds of strange things.”
 
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The Turnip said:
May 15, 2008

Rockstar Sex Games

The last release of Rockstar Games' Grand Theft Auto title featured a notorious hidden sex game called "Hot Coffee" and rumours have already begun to spread that the latest installment of the popular game is hiding something in the proverbial closet aswell. Rockstar Games denies that such a "mini-game" exists but already Hillary Clinton has vowed to get to the bottom of the matter as soon as she has finished losing the Presidential Primaries.

Senator Clinton may be disappointed though since so far rumours have indicated that Rockstar has made a more tame version this time around called "Tea & Biscuits". Fans who claim to have found "Tea & Biscuits" have expressed disappointment themselves and refuse to disclose it's secret. In any event gamers still search franticly if with trepidation wondering if they'll rightly fancy a bit of saucer and blow.
1234..
 

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