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The up side of alcohol

  1. Sep 19, 2005 #1

    Ivan Seeking

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    email received...

    "Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
    ~ Jack Handy

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
    "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
    ~Frank Sinatra

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
    "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
    ~ Henny Youngman

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

    "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
    I think not."
    ~ Stephen Wright

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
    "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
    ~ Brian O'Rourke

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
    "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~ Benjamin Franklin

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
    "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
    not go nearly as well with pizza."
    ~ Dave Barry

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
    To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
    ~ Dave Howell
    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
    And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
    "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
  2. jcsd
  3. Sep 19, 2005 #2


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    lol, that was awesome, especially the last bit of comment
  4. Sep 19, 2005 #3


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    :rofl: Good one Ivan - mind if I steal those? :biggrin:
  5. Sep 19, 2005 #4
    I haven't had a beer in about 25 years. Now I'm worried. My memory hasn't been so sharp these past ten years. Is there a non-alcoholic way of purging my slower, weaker brain cells?
  6. Sep 19, 2005 #5
    Repaint the kitchen with the windows shut and no mask. Then you can kill two birds with one stone... Obviously the hitting of the two birds with the one stone is the tricky part of this endevour but having lost some brain cells ought to help out.

    My grandfather is a rather hardcore christian and has always talked down on drinking. Recently though he developed a heart problem and has been trying to find natural methods of taking care of the problem rather than continually going to the doctor and taking meds. I guess he read somewhere that drinking alcohol can help with heart problems. So one day I walked into my grandparents house and found my grandfather redfaced and tipsy with a beer in his hand. That was interesting.
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