"there Is Or There Isn't" Sometimes I wonder if that why I dig holes to climb out of sometimes. It's either that, or I'm just a lazy procrastinator. When I have a negative though, I've think I often distract myself with something in order not to have to think about it. I know a lot of people who are like this, from extreme to moderate. I guess not many people like thinking about the bad or annoying **** in their lives, myself included. I just put **** off until it gets bigger. Knowing the right thing to do and actually doing it often do not coincide. Such as life. Seems like the same patterns over and over again. This seems to be what creates most of life's problems. Man is flawed. Kind of annoying do the same dumb **** over and over again on different levels. With these levels of control I possess, whatever problems I fix, something else replaces it. Balance, although this balance is constantly changing as I navigate through life. I believe the key to be setting the levels of control and finding a set of problems you don't mind dealing with knowing life can throw you a curve ball at anytime. I guess that's why a lot of people say life is a downward spiral. Which proves that life is all about how you look at it. Coming to the acceptance that everyone is flawed and bad **** is going to happen to you no matter what you do will help to find a sense of peace. Although, I've noticed though that positive action/thought can be is just as bad as negative thought. Any extreme can be dangerous as every positive has it's negative combined with the factor of a flawed mind that sets enough hurdles as it is. Thought, knowledge and experience just brings about pain. Life is filled with both pain and joy. Each a positive and a negative. A lot of intelligent people are consumed in this negative though at such a high level. I guess why MIT has the #1 suicide rate in the country over 11 years straight. I don't think I would ever kill myself. Suicide is only a factor if I get sentenced to 5 years or over to jail. I have made at least 20 people promise to get me cyanide if I didn't get out on bail. I'd rather die than be a convict! I like writing down my thoughts. I hope they find whoever is reading them well. I often hate when people send me long emails. I usually read them at the wrong time and can't respond appropriately because I'm busy with life. Even worse, they can sit in my email inbox for months until I forget about them. Selfish, but real, flawed and human. It's frustrating knowing the right path and taking another. My reluctance due to what? Many reasons......many questions.......many answers.. I'm conscious of all of my actions. I've been told I have freedom of choice. Often, I realize ponder the thought that I have no control, only the illusion of control. All the way at the very base, I've been programmed, rubbed off on, strengthened, weakened, inspired....... Such as life. Before you completely disagree, here me out. It always comes back to "Such as life". Accept it or move on. I'm curious as to something. Taking into account that is no true certain in any equation. No two things are equal. Kind of like fingerprints, or at a higher level, genetics and so on down the chain to our comprehension. There is no balance. Hence why pie is an unbalanced equation, an ever-changing number that contains everything. Pie contains all, it circumferences our world from our ourselves, to others, to all of the 0 and 1's ordered correctly in the most complex computer program. (which was recently proven. An experiment conducted took all of the zero's and one's in the most complex video game at the time and the found it ordered correctly in pie. It was over 700MB's. It took the computer over two years two years to compute and find the coding for the game within pie. Maybe that is why some people tend to gravitate to computers. It is math and logic based, yes or no. Math and logic are useful tools, but unfortunately, they don't happen to go along with the universe which is unbalanced and ever-changing, visa vie, pie. I now see why MIT has the highest college suicide rate in the country 11 years straight. I guess the MIT kids have the ego's that drive them nuts. Their inability to solve an ever-changing equation drives them nuts. Most of them fit the profile, 58% male, social outkasted, socially challenged, or the best of them, socially wacky and a little nuts. As an extreme, the word excentric comes to mind. But in the true sense, not the Howard Hughes, I can get away with being crazy because I learned how to do some cool **** because my family had money along with being motivated to succeed. Although, I think his extreme fairytale success to such a large national level brought about his insanity to extreme level. A high profile will bring out all of your flaws to their extreme unless you have a good attitude about it. Drew Carrey vs. Fiona Apple. Drew Carey got caught in a strip club. They tried to hammer him and confront him with it. He said he went and he had fun or something to that effect. They left him alone. I don't think I have to say anything about Fionna Apple who horribly set herself up for embarrassment. People love to find flaws in others to feel better about themselves. Again, man is flawed. Hence why People and celebrity magazine scare the hell out of my on more levels than just this one. Unfortunately, people who put themselves in a high profile lifestyle are a constant source of attack. They're easy targets. Life seems to be 10% what happens to you and 90% how you handle it. Sometimes I handle situations poorly and I have a large ego. Flawed just like everyone else I guess. This is what confuses me about people. I look at this thought as real. Real thought can be constructive as it the only way to walk the right path (or the best one you can think of depending on how you ended up in the gentic lottery.) Often, If I tell someone my thoughts, they think I'm being hard on myself. I have a large enough ego by default, it helps to check myself often. To change is good. To change often is perfection. To change often is life and life just is or it isn't and you have levels of control are non-existant or limited at best, so sit back and ride the rollercoaster. Maybe you can reduce the largest rollercoaster you've ever encountered into a kiddy like ride. Unfortunately, the kiddy ride gets even more boring. It gets more boring because it has to go longer to compensate for the rollercoaster I was born with. To boot. The rollercoaster keeps changing and will send you a hump once in a while IF you choose to accept it. But otherwise would be delusional to most since many enjoy hurdles. If I keep asking for hurdles as I get older, by the time I'm forty, I'll have plenty, a wife, kids, suburbs. What else am I here for? It seems to be what everyone else is doing? Does that make it right? Maybe one day, instead of trying to figure out what ride I'm on. I can do my best and accept that my actions and my thoughts direct the path of my life and I may or may not have control over them. But wait, I have the choice to influence myself. I have to choice in my surroundings. I am the way I am because I choose to be. Contradictory, nothing in life ever changes. As a child, I had no control of these things. To gain control over these things now takes work, but would I do this work if I wasn't raised a certain way, or met a certain person who influenced me to. Do I really have control? I find many people pray for help. There hope that a God exists and that if you ask, he'll help you, ie: Submission to religion. If I have control, what do I have control of. Believing this makes myself and many others feel helpless and week. I know what I am. I know my strengths. I know my weaknesses. I know my flaws (at least some of them to my level of understanding). I AM COUNSCOUS! I KNOW! Though man's version of knowledge is tainted. Our logic is flawed and our surroundings will forever be beyond our comprehension for the rest of this life. There is no right. There is no wrong. In our world, there is, there isn’t, or the third variable (the future invention of AI), there is and there isn't. Some people call this choice and I'm not quite sure that that’s the answer to all. That may be the answer to AI, more importantly, creating an accurate representation of our minds. That may even be our answer, but definitely not our true solution. Sometimes I imagine the level beyond the level that I have a glance of and it is so far beyond my comprehension, I can't even begin to ponder, but O can say from my understanding of my surroundings to exist, although I may never know what it is. This is why I see so many scared people running around. They don't know!....and it drives them to places like........church. How arrogant is man to claim understanding of anything, much less God? On a side note, should an understanding of God be a goal. Comprehension is NOT POSSIBLE! I Don't care who you are. I've said this statement many times before. I have been told here was a man who KNEW! They thought he might know what happened to you when you die and those same they strung him to a cross. He could see the future (after starving himself into a delusional state by not eating for 30 days). That is a burden (cross for the holy goers) that I don't think I could ever be non-man enough to handle. I see nothing wrong with religion really. I'm a big fan of the idea. It keeps people within a certain level of control. I like atleast the attempt to want to be kind to their fellow man. I wish more of them would practice what they preach, but they're only human.