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To tell or not to tell

  1. Oct 20, 2008 #1
    So I live with a few guys, all of them are my friends and have been for some time. Recently one of them, (we'll call him fred for fun) has started dating a girl I know, but am not terribly close to. This girl is very good friends with another of my housemates (we'll call him george) which is great because shes around a lot. Fred is a nice guy, but hes a drug addict to say the least, and he is possibly the most self centered person I know. He is very involved in rehab and trying to get back on track with things, but we all know he doesnt really want to. He has all sorts of plans and absolutely no intention of following through. He recently has been talking to me about his relationship with this girl, and he clearly sees her as no more than a sex object and is quite open with this fact. I didnt care at first, I mean it doesnt affect me and its none of my business so I kept quiet about it. This girl however, has recently decided she wants to be best friends with me because Fred, George and I are so close. The more I get to know this girl the more guilty I feel about my knowledge. She is absolutely smitten with Fred and has no clue that hes totally using her. George keeps telling me how happy he is that this girl has finally found someone who cares about her etc. Fred would never talk to George the way he talks to me. Part of me feels like I need to say something, but I dont want to be the one to break her heart. I tried to tell Fred he needs to be honest with this girl or hes going to hurt her but he figures hes got a really good thing and he doesnt want to mess with it. When the S*** hits the fan I know everyones going to be mad at everyone and Im sort of stuck on how to handle this situation.
     
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  3. Oct 20, 2008 #2

    wolram

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    Blow the bugger out of the water, stomp him or what ever, i hate such people.
     
  4. Oct 20, 2008 #3
    Ya, its so cruel, but I wish hed told someone else and they could deal with it. Im tempted to tell George and let him tell the poor girl
     
  5. Oct 20, 2008 #4

    turbo

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    Bad news! It would be a good idea to extricate yourself from this group and make a life for yourself ASAP. If you stir up this stuff while you're in the midst of it, you will be sorry. It's best to try to do the right thing whenever you can, but in this case, the "right thing" can put you at personal risk. Be careful and take care of yourself.
     
  6. Oct 20, 2008 #5

    wolram

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    One time a few of the girls got together and sent such a guy into the streets naked, he never came back ,but these (girls) were a bit handy, so do not try to do such a thing on your ownsome.
     
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2008
  7. Oct 20, 2008 #6

    DaveC426913

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    If you mind your business, stay loyal to Fred and don't tell her, will you be able to weather any fallout with a clear conscience?

    If you decide to be loyal to her and do tell her, will you be able to weather any fallout with a clear conscience?
     
  8. Oct 20, 2008 #7

    Evo

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  9. Oct 20, 2008 #8

    Moonbear

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    I wouldn't suggest telling George. That's just involving more people in the mess and really is just gossiping. As for whether you tell the girl what Fred said, well, I don't think any of us can tell you what to do there. You're going to have to follow your own conscience.

    Is everyone involved over 18? If so, it might be best to just stay out of the way and let them learn their lessons. Meddling hardly ever works out right. For all you know, you might meddle and then find out that Fred's feelings were changing and then he's mad that you scared away someone he was starting to really care about. Or, she decides not to believe you and gets mad at you while continuing to date Fred, so then both are mad at you while you're all under one roof.

    But, if you're really sure that Fred is just going to hurt the girl, and you feel you care enough about her to spare her from it being worse than it already will be (maybe you're becoming friends with her independent of Fred's involvement), you can speak up.

    One thing I'm pretty sure about...if you're going to start meddling with your housemates' relationships or dating or whatever it is, you should first make sure you have another place to live, because it'll get very uncomfortable very quickly.
     
  10. Oct 20, 2008 #9

    Astronuc

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    Tell the girl to try abstinence for 4-6 weeks.

    Or tell her that you don't want to get involved in her relationship with Fred. I agree with Moonbear and turbo-1, and Evo's suggestion of a trip to Bora Bora.

    Personally, I have no tolerance for people like Fred.
     
  11. Oct 20, 2008 #10

    Kurdt

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    I'd just tell her but I'm mentally impaired so what do I know. The woman in my mind clearly deserves to know what the score is before she gets truly hurt. You must also ask yourself if you really want to remain close to the Fred fella. Seems like a div.
     
  12. Oct 20, 2008 #11
    Nothing good can come out of you telling her, besides sometimes guys talk a lot tougher than they really are. Its really hard to pretend you love someone when you don't. Either he'll start to get more feelings for her or he'll gradually start showing how he really feels. Either way is a lot less painful for her than if you come out and say something. Keep your nose out of their relationship. Otherwise you not only become known as someone who meddles where she shouldn't, but you also become known as someone you can't tell secrets to.
     
  13. Oct 20, 2008 #12
    I have kept my mouth shut, and Ill probably just continue to do so. I just feel so guilty every time she goes on about how happy she is and how great he is. Im hoping he slips up and says something when George is around and then I wont have to worry about it because George would never let it continue. He would put an end to it right away. Ive told Fred what I think and Im sure hes noticed my changed attitude towards him. Hes my friend but what hes doing is wrong and he knows it.
     
  14. Oct 21, 2008 #13

    DaveC426913

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    You're hoping she'll be told - you just don't want to be the one to do it?
     
  15. Oct 21, 2008 #14

    Kurdt

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    You should do it because its the right thing to do, not just clam up because you're afraid of inconveniencing yourself.
     
  16. Oct 21, 2008 #15
    Defantly need to tell....No girl wants to be the one to be hurt, so telling her now, will ease some of the pain, don't let her get too attached and be truely heartbroken. It will be hard, but you have to man up and tell her. It's just the right thing to do.
     
  17. Oct 21, 2008 #16

    Evo

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    I'll relate a similar story, but we weren't living together.

    I met a girl I'll call golddigger, she had a wonderful girlfriend I'll call Angel. We became friends. It soon became obvious that Golddigger was indeed a brain dead golddiger. Golddigger was dating a super nice guy I'll call Greg. Golddigger liked Greg but as an environmental attorney he didn't make much money, so she was just using him until more money came along. Angel and I felt really bad for Greg, because he was an awesome guy.

    So, Angel and I decided that we would ditch golddigger and let everyone know we were no longer her friends. Greg, being the intelligent guy he was, realized that if her best friends dumped her, there was something wrong with her and dumped her also and then he realized how badly he'd been used. The three of us became best friends.
     
  18. Oct 21, 2008 #17

    DaveC426913

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    An interesting story though I wonder at the logic of your solution: you're not worried about your loyalty to golddigger, so why not just outright tell Greg?

    Seems to me, OTOH, fileen has some loyalty to- and friendship with- Fred, which I assume is why she's torn.
     
  19. Oct 21, 2008 #18

    DaveC426913

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    fileen, I'm realizing I am not sure of your motives.

    We know why you want to warn her (guilt for her eventual pain), but what is your reasoning for not wanting to warn her?
    - not your place to interfere (or judge)
    - loyalty to Fred
    - don't want to be responsible for the fallout
     
  20. Oct 21, 2008 #19

    cristo

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    How does this girl not realise that Fred is just messing around with her? I mean, he must be some actor if every time he talks to you, it is obvious he's messing her about, but every time he's with her he's some romantic amazing guy.

    Anyway, I don't think you should get too involved with this situation. In my experience, if you tell her, she's going to be mad at you for not giving her bloke a chance, and he's going to be mad at you for betraying his confidence. Just stay somewhat back from the situation-- after all, this can't be the only thing you guys talk about.
     
  21. Oct 21, 2008 #20

    BobG

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    Plus, if Greg and fileen dump Fred and get their own apartment, Fred's girlfriend will just figure Greg and fileen are shacking up together and wanted more privacy. The message will go completely over her head.

    I'd tell Fred that what he does is his own business as long as it stays his business, but don't make me a coconspirator. Then I'd tell his girlfriend.
     
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