To Tell or Not To Tell: Dealing with a Friend's Relationship

  • Thread starter fileen
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In summary: Otherwise you're just asking for trouble.In summary, Fred is dating a girl that one of my housemates is close to. Fred is a drug addict and is very self-centered. He is also very involved in rehab, but he is not interested in following through with his plans. Recently, Fred has been talking to my roommate and me about his relationship with the girl, and he is quite open with the fact that she is only a sex object to him. This girl recently decided she wants to be friends with me, which makes me feel guilty because I know that Fred is using her. George is happy that the girl has finally found someone
  • #1
fileen
66
4
So I live with a few guys, all of them are my friends and have been for some time. Recently one of them, (we'll call him fred for fun) has started dating a girl I know, but am not terribly close to. This girl is very good friends with another of my housemates (we'll call him george) which is great because she's around a lot. Fred is a nice guy, but he's a drug addict to say the least, and he is possibly the most self centered person I know. He is very involved in rehab and trying to get back on track with things, but we all know he doesn't really want to. He has all sorts of plans and absolutely no intention of following through. He recently has been talking to me about his relationship with this girl, and he clearly sees her as no more than a sex object and is quite open with this fact. I didnt care at first, I mean it doesn't affect me and its none of my business so I kept quiet about it. This girl however, has recently decided she wants to be best friends with me because Fred, George and I are so close. The more I get to know this girl the more guilty I feel about my knowledge. She is absolutely smitten with Fred and has no clue that he's totally using her. George keeps telling me how happy he is that this girl has finally found someone who cares about her etc. Fred would never talk to George the way he talks to me. Part of me feels like I need to say something, but I don't want to be the one to break her heart. I tried to tell Fred he needs to be honest with this girl or he's going to hurt her but he figures he's got a really good thing and he doesn't want to mess with it. When the S*** hits the fan I know everyones going to be mad at everyone and I am sort of stuck on how to handle this situation.
 
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  • #2
Blow the bugger out of the water, stomp him or what ever, i hate such people.
 
  • #3
Ya, its so cruel, but I wish hed told someone else and they could deal with it. I am tempted to tell George and let him tell the poor girl
 
  • #4
Bad news! It would be a good idea to extricate yourself from this group and make a life for yourself ASAP. If you stir up this stuff while you're in the midst of it, you will be sorry. It's best to try to do the right thing whenever you can, but in this case, the "right thing" can put you at personal risk. Be careful and take care of yourself.
 
  • #5
One time a few of the girls got together and sent such a guy into the streets naked, he never came back ,but these (girls) were a bit handy, so do not try to do such a thing on your ownsome.
 
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  • #6
If you mind your business, stay loyal to Fred and don't tell her, will you be able to weather any fallout with a clear conscience?

If you decide to be loyal to her and do tell her, will you be able to weather any fallout with a clear conscience?
 
  • #7
fileen, the only way out is to come to Bora Bora with the PF Sisters until it blows over.

https://www.physicsforums.com/showpost.php?p=1917776&postcount=67 [Broken]

Would Fred get upset if you told George?
 
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  • #8
I wouldn't suggest telling George. That's just involving more people in the mess and really is just gossiping. As for whether you tell the girl what Fred said, well, I don't think any of us can tell you what to do there. You're going to have to follow your own conscience.

Is everyone involved over 18? If so, it might be best to just stay out of the way and let them learn their lessons. Meddling hardly ever works out right. For all you know, you might meddle and then find out that Fred's feelings were changing and then he's mad that you scared away someone he was starting to really care about. Or, she decides not to believe you and gets mad at you while continuing to date Fred, so then both are mad at you while you're all under one roof.

But, if you're really sure that Fred is just going to hurt the girl, and you feel you care enough about her to spare her from it being worse than it already will be (maybe you're becoming friends with her independent of Fred's involvement), you can speak up.

One thing I'm pretty sure about...if you're going to start meddling with your housemates' relationships or dating or whatever it is, you should first make sure you have another place to live, because it'll get very uncomfortable very quickly.
 
  • #9
Tell the girl to try abstinence for 4-6 weeks.

Or tell her that you don't want to get involved in her relationship with Fred. I agree with Moonbear and turbo-1, and Evo's suggestion of a trip to Bora Bora.

Personally, I have no tolerance for people like Fred.
 
  • #10
I'd just tell her but I'm mentally impaired so what do I know. The woman in my mind clearly deserves to know what the score is before she gets truly hurt. You must also ask yourself if you really want to remain close to the Fred fella. Seems like a div.
 
  • #11
Nothing good can come out of you telling her, besides sometimes guys talk a lot tougher than they really are. Its really hard to pretend you love someone when you don't. Either he'll start to get more feelings for her or he'll gradually start showing how he really feels. Either way is a lot less painful for her than if you come out and say something. Keep your nose out of their relationship. Otherwise you not only become known as someone who meddles where she shouldn't, but you also become known as someone you can't tell secrets to.
 
  • #12
I have kept my mouth shut, and Ill probably just continue to do so. I just feel so guilty every time she goes on about how happy she is and how great he is. I am hoping he slips up and says something when George is around and then I won't have to worry about it because George would never let it continue. He would put an end to it right away. I've told Fred what I think and I am sure he's noticed my changed attitude towards him. Hes my friend but what he's doing is wrong and he knows it.
 
  • #13
fileen said:
I have kept my mouth shut, and Ill probably just continue to do so. I just feel so guilty every time she goes on about how happy she is and how great he is. I am hoping he slips up and says something when George is around and then I won't have to worry about it because George would never let it continue. He would put an end to it right away. I've told Fred what I think and I am sure he's noticed my changed attitude towards him. Hes my friend but what he's doing is wrong and he knows it.

You're hoping she'll be told - you just don't want to be the one to do it?
 
  • #14
You should do it because its the right thing to do, not just clam up because you're afraid of inconveniencing yourself.
 
  • #15
Defantly need to tell...No girl wants to be the one to be hurt, so telling her now, will ease some of the pain, don't let her get too attached and be truly heartbroken. It will be hard, but you have to man up and tell her. It's just the right thing to do.
 
  • #16
I'll relate a similar story, but we weren't living together.

I met a girl I'll call golddigger, she had a wonderful girlfriend I'll call Angel. We became friends. It soon became obvious that Golddigger was indeed a brain dead golddiger. Golddigger was dating a super nice guy I'll call Greg. Golddigger liked Greg but as an environmental attorney he didn't make much money, so she was just using him until more money came along. Angel and I felt really bad for Greg, because he was an awesome guy.

So, Angel and I decided that we would ditch golddigger and let everyone know we were no longer her friends. Greg, being the intelligent guy he was, realized that if her best friends dumped her, there was something wrong with her and dumped her also and then he realized how badly he'd been used. The three of us became best friends.
 
  • #17
Evo said:
I'll relate a similar story, but we weren't living together.

I met a girl I'll call golddigger, she had a wonderful girlfriend I'll call Angel. We became friends. It soon became obvious that Golddigger was indeed a brain dead golddiger. Golddigger was dating a super nice guy I'll call Greg. Golddigger liked Greg but as an environmental attorney he didn't make much money, so she was just using him until more money came along. Angel and I felt really bad for Greg, because he was an awesome guy.

So, Angel and I decided that we would ditch golddigger and let everyone know we were no longer her friends. Greg, being the intelligent guy he was, realized that if her best friends dumped her, there was something wrong with her and dumped her also and then he realized how badly he'd been used. The three of us became best friends.
An interesting story though I wonder at the logic of your solution: you're not worried about your loyalty to golddigger, so why not just outright tell Greg?

Seems to me, OTOH, fileen has some loyalty to- and friendship with- Fred, which I assume is why she's torn.
 
  • #18
fileen, I'm realizing I am not sure of your motives.

We know why you want to warn her (guilt for her eventual pain), but what is your reasoning for not wanting to warn her?
- not your place to interfere (or judge)
- loyalty to Fred
- don't want to be responsible for the fallout
 
  • #19
How does this girl not realize that Fred is just messing around with her? I mean, he must be some actor if every time he talks to you, it is obvious he's messing her about, but every time he's with her he's some romantic amazing guy.

Anyway, I don't think you should get too involved with this situation. In my experience, if you tell her, she's going to be mad at you for not giving her bloke a chance, and he's going to be mad at you for betraying his confidence. Just stay somewhat back from the situation-- after all, this can't be the only thing you guys talk about.
 
  • #20
DaveC426913 said:
An interesting story though I wonder at the logic of your solution: you're not worried about your loyalty to golddigger, so why not just outright tell Greg?

Seems to me, OTOH, fileen has some loyalty to- and friendship with- Fred, which I assume is why she's torn.

Plus, if Greg and fileen dump Fred and get their own apartment, Fred's girlfriend will just figure Greg and fileen are shacking up together and wanted more privacy. The message will go completely over her head.

I'd tell Fred that what he does is his own business as long as it stays his business, but don't make me a coconspirator. Then I'd tell his girlfriend.
 
  • #21
DaveC426913 said:
An interesting story though I wonder at the logic of your solution: you're not worried about your loyalty to golddigger, so why not just outright tell Greg?
Because if we had remained friends with her and told him she was using him, he might not have believed us.

We decided that she wasn't someone we wanted to be friends with anyway, so the timing just worked out well for him.
 
  • #22
just stay out of other people's relationships. period. nobody is going to thank you for breaking them up. If the girl is running around happy as a lark and telling everyone how great it is to be in love then let her be happy.
 
  • #23
DaveC426913 said:
You're hoping she'll be told - you just don't want to be the one to do it?

Exactly
 
  • #24
DaveC426913 said:
fileen, I'm realizing I am not sure of your motives.

We know why you want to warn her (guilt for her eventual pain), but what is your reasoning for not wanting to warn her?
- not your place to interfere (or judge)
- loyalty to Fred
- don't want to be responsible for the fallout

I live with both Fred and George, and I am becoming fast friends with the girl in question. I am afraid of everyone hating everyone and especially me for being the cause of all the conflict
 
  • #25
cristo said:
How does this girl not realize that Fred is just messing around with her? I mean, he must be some actor if every time he talks to you, it is obvious he's messing her about, but every time he's with her he's some romantic amazing guy.

Anyway, I don't think you should get too involved with this situation. In my experience, if you tell her, she's going to be mad at you for not giving her bloke a chance, and he's going to be mad at you for betraying his confidence. Just stay somewhat back from the situation-- after all, this can't be the only thing you guys talk about.

Haha its not the only thing we talk about, he does mention it though almost like he's bragging. He goes on about how attractive she is and how willing to she is to do the things he wants and then laughs about it as though its some sort of joke. The other house mate who is also a guy came to me last night to ask me what I thought of it. He doesn't even know the girl and feels bad, but like me doesn't want to get involved. I am clearly not the only one who is noticing this, but I am also not the only one who wants to mind their business. We agreed to simply be very clear about our feelings when ever Fred brings it up, and if the situation does not improve we plan to some how... mention it to her in a way that doesn't cause her to leave Fred... but just makes her think about things... I honestly can't imagine how to accomplish that though.
 
  • #26
tribdog said:
just stay out of other people's relationships. period. nobody is going to thank you for breaking them up. If the girl is running around happy as a lark and telling everyone how great it is to be in love then let her be happy.

I agree. Stay out of it.

Also be aware of the true root of the problem -- Fred's drug addiction. Any time there's an addiction in a relationship, it's highly likely that things will not end well.

If the gf learns this lesson, then something good will have come from it.
 
  • #27
lisab said:
I agree. Stay out of it.

Also be aware of the true root of the problem -- Fred's drug addiction. Any time there's an addiction in a relationship, it's highly likely that things will not end well.

If the gf learns this lesson, then something good will have come from it.

I don't think she's even aware of his addiction. Girls can be so dumb when they get in the midst of men.
 
  • #28
I can't believe how callous some people can be when other people are getting messed about. I'm alright jack, so sod you. If its more a case of wanting to keep the same relationships then I don't think that is particularly savvy. When it all comes out those relationships will change anyway. Not to mention this Fred guy sounds as though he's really not worth knowing at all.
 
  • #29
fileen said:
I don't think she's even aware of his addiction. Girls can be so dumb when they get in the midst of men.

and when they don't
 
  • #30
tribdog said:
and when they don't

girls just seem to be oblivious sometimes or intentionally ignore what's right in front of them if they like a guy. As though not noticing it will make it go away. I am sure guys do it too
 
  • #31
Guys buy breast augmentations for christmas. So not really.
 
  • #32
Kurdt said:
I can't believe how callous some people can be when other people are getting messed about. I'm alright jack, so sod you. If its more a case of wanting to keep the same relationships then I don't think that is particularly savvy. When it all comes out those relationships will change anyway. Not to mention this Fred guy sounds as though he's really not worth knowing at all.

I can't believe how some people think they have any business telling someone else how to live their life and who they should be with. If someone told you the girl you love was no good for you would you stop loving her? NO you'd tell them to go to hell and not tell you how to live your life.

"Turns his back on his best friend if he puts her down. When a man loves a woman".~Smokey robinson
 
  • #33
You're not doing that though are you. It probably saves people a lot more heart ache in the long run.
 
  • #34
Ive been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we were friends for that long before we started together and its just sort of understood that we will eventually be married. That said, if my boyfriend was saying these things when I was not around I couldn't stay with him. Even if he was just bragging or trying to impress people. I know that I would want someone to tell me. I would be really angry at first and not want to believe it, but I think in the long run Id want to know. I would want it to be a really good friend though, someone I could cry on. I've known this girl for maybe a month, I can imagine she will be rather angry and its going to come back to me. It may not accomplish anything anyways, she may not want to hear it and she may not want to believe me. Fred is a good guy underneath it all, he's just not in a good place in his life. Maybe I am too forgiving because I've been there. I know that he doesn't want to hurt anyone, and I am hoping he either sees the error of his ways and puts an end to this madness or else grows to care for this girl in the way she seems to think he does.
 
  • #35
Turbo-1, you rock!:
turbo-1 said:
Bad news! It would be a good idea to extricate yourself from this group and make a life for yourself ASAP. If you stir up this stuff while you're in the midst of it, you will be sorry. It's best to try to do the right thing whenever you can, but in this case, the "right thing" can put you at personal risk. Be careful and take care of yourself.

I absolutely agree with Turbo-1's viewpoint. Start setting yourself up for new living conditions when you're able to get out of this lease, find other friends, and just be "too busy" so home becomes a place to crash, not a place to hang out. Sometimes the best roommates are those that you can live with, but not those you spend 24/7 with and know very intimate details about... as long as they aren't stealing your stuff, aren't trashing the place, and are paying their share of rent. Likewise, the best friends are often those you play with, but don't have to live with. (Note -- Being too busy also means you avoid having to tell anyone in this situation just by avoiding everyone.)

Of course with this viewpoint, one wonders how I ever got married... but that's another matter altogether... :biggrin:
 
<h2>1. Should I tell my friend if I think their partner is cheating?</h2><p>It depends on the situation. If you have solid evidence and your friend's safety is at risk, it may be necessary to tell them. However, if it is just a suspicion, it may be better to approach the situation with caution and gather more information before deciding to tell your friend.</p><h2>2. Is it my place to tell my friend about their partner's past relationships or mistakes?</h2><p>No, it is not your place to disclose personal information about your friend's partner. It is important to respect their privacy and allow them to share information about their past on their own terms.</p><h2>3. What should I do if my friend asks for my opinion on their relationship?</h2><p>Be honest but also be mindful of your friend's feelings. It is important to communicate your thoughts and concerns in a respectful and non-judgmental manner. Remember to also listen to your friend's perspective and offer support regardless of your opinion.</p><h2>4. Should I tell my friend if I know their partner is keeping a secret from them?</h2><p>Again, it depends on the situation. If the secret is harmful or could potentially harm your friend, it may be necessary to tell them. However, if it is a personal matter that does not directly affect your friend, it may be better to respect their partner's privacy.</p><h2>5. What if my friend gets upset with me for telling them about their partner's behavior?</h2><p>It is important to remember that your intentions were to protect and support your friend. If they get upset, try to communicate calmly and listen to their perspective. Apologize if necessary, but stand by your decision to tell them if you believe it was the right thing to do.</p>

1. Should I tell my friend if I think their partner is cheating?

It depends on the situation. If you have solid evidence and your friend's safety is at risk, it may be necessary to tell them. However, if it is just a suspicion, it may be better to approach the situation with caution and gather more information before deciding to tell your friend.

2. Is it my place to tell my friend about their partner's past relationships or mistakes?

No, it is not your place to disclose personal information about your friend's partner. It is important to respect their privacy and allow them to share information about their past on their own terms.

3. What should I do if my friend asks for my opinion on their relationship?

Be honest but also be mindful of your friend's feelings. It is important to communicate your thoughts and concerns in a respectful and non-judgmental manner. Remember to also listen to your friend's perspective and offer support regardless of your opinion.

4. Should I tell my friend if I know their partner is keeping a secret from them?

Again, it depends on the situation. If the secret is harmful or could potentially harm your friend, it may be necessary to tell them. However, if it is a personal matter that does not directly affect your friend, it may be better to respect their partner's privacy.

5. What if my friend gets upset with me for telling them about their partner's behavior?

It is important to remember that your intentions were to protect and support your friend. If they get upset, try to communicate calmly and listen to their perspective. Apologize if necessary, but stand by your decision to tell them if you believe it was the right thing to do.

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