To tell or not to tell

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lisab

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just stay out of other people's relationships. period. nobody is going to thank you for breaking them up. If the girl is running around happy as a lark and telling everyone how great it is to be in love then let her be happy.
I agree. Stay out of it.

Also be aware of the true root of the problem -- Fred's drug addiction. Any time there's an addiction in a relationship, it's highly likely that things will not end well.

If the gf learns this lesson, then something good will have come from it.
 
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I agree. Stay out of it.

Also be aware of the true root of the problem -- Fred's drug addiction. Any time there's an addiction in a relationship, it's highly likely that things will not end well.

If the gf learns this lesson, then something good will have come from it.
I dont think shes even aware of his addiction. Girls can be so dumb when they get in the midst of men.
 

Kurdt

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I can't believe how callous some people can be when other people are getting messed about. I'm alright jack, so sod you. If its more a case of wanting to keep the same relationships then I don't think that is particularly savvy. When it all comes out those relationships will change anyway. Not to mention this Fred guy sounds as though hes really not worth knowing at all.
 
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I dont think shes even aware of his addiction. Girls can be so dumb when they get in the midst of men.
and when they don't
 
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and when they don't
girls just seem to be oblivious sometimes or intentionally ignore whats right in front of them if they like a guy. As though not noticing it will make it go away. Im sure guys do it too
 

Kurdt

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Guys buy breast augmentations for christmas. So not really.
 
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I can't believe how callous some people can be when other people are getting messed about. I'm alright jack, so sod you. If its more a case of wanting to keep the same relationships then I don't think that is particularly savvy. When it all comes out those relationships will change anyway. Not to mention this Fred guy sounds as though hes really not worth knowing at all.
I can't believe how some people think they have any business telling someone else how to live their life and who they should be with. If someone told you the girl you love was no good for you would you stop loving her? NO you'd tell them to go to hell and not tell you how to live your life.

"Turns his back on his best friend if he puts her down. When a man loves a woman".~Smokey robinson
 

Kurdt

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You're not doing that though are you. It probably saves people a lot more heart ache in the long run.
 
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Ive been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we were friends for that long before we started together and its just sort of understood that we will eventually be married. That said, if my boyfriend was saying these things when I was not around I couldnt stay with him. Even if he was just bragging or trying to impress people. I know that I would want someone to tell me. I would be really angry at first and not want to believe it, but I think in the long run Id want to know. I would want it to be a really good friend though, someone I could cry on. Ive known this girl for maybe a month, I can imagine she will be rather angry and its going to come back to me. It may not accomplish anything anyways, she may not want to hear it and she may not want to believe me. Fred is a good guy underneath it all, hes just not in a good place in his life. Maybe Im too forgiving because Ive been there. I know that he doesnt want to hurt anyone, and Im hoping he either sees the error of his ways and puts an end to this madness or else grows to care for this girl in the way she seems to think he does.
 
Turbo-1, you rock!:
Bad news! It would be a good idea to extricate yourself from this group and make a life for yourself ASAP. If you stir up this stuff while you're in the midst of it, you will be sorry. It's best to try to do the right thing whenever you can, but in this case, the "right thing" can put you at personal risk. Be careful and take care of yourself.
I absolutely agree with Turbo-1's viewpoint. Start setting yourself up for new living conditions when you're able to get out of this lease, find other friends, and just be "too busy" so home becomes a place to crash, not a place to hang out. Sometimes the best roommates are those that you can live with, but not those you spend 24/7 with and know very intimate details about.... as long as they aren't stealing your stuff, aren't trashing the place, and are paying their share of rent. Likewise, the best friends are often those you play with, but don't have to live with. (Note -- Being too busy also means you avoid having to tell anyone in this situation just by avoiding everyone.)

Of course with this viewpoint, one wonders how I ever got married... but that's another matter altogether... :biggrin:
 
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You're not doing that though are you. It probably saves people a lot more heart ache in the long run.
But its not up to you to save people from heart ache. Its their heart and their ache let them have it. People aren't veal.
 

Kurdt

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Like I said its not your choice in the end anyway, its theirs, you're just passing on information. What they do with it is up to them.
 
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You wrote down the names of the kids who got out of their seat when the teacher left the room didn't you.
 

Evo

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Wow, am I the only one that would want to be told? If I found out someone knew this and didn't tell me, I'd be furious.

I guess I just don't get how people think.
 

Kurdt

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Evo your last husband was no good for you. didn't anyone tell you that before you married him? How would you have reacted if your bridesmaid would have came up to you at the wedding and said "don't do it, Evo. You're just going to end up divorced in a few years."

You think telling this girl is the right thing to do, but the girl is happy right now. Don't destroy that. She is not being hurt. She is simply in a relationship where one partner has stronger feelings than the other one does. Don't judge the entire relationship by what some guy says when he's bragging to his friends. Judge the relationship on how this guy treats her when they are together. He's making her happy. Most relationships don't last forever no need to help with the destruction.
 
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I know I've had plenty of relationships where I didn't feel the same way about someone as they felt about me. So has everyone else here. That's part of dating.

AHHH I've got so many analogies running through my head I can't put them all down.

I used to try to stick my finger into the wall sockets. My parents would tell me NO and slap my hand away. I would cry and be upset with them then when their back was turned I'd try to stick my finger into the wall socket again. One day I managed to pull a plug part way out and touch the metal with my finger. I never tried sticking my finger into wall sockets after that, but I had to learn for myself.

I used to be in love with Whitney Houston. I had her posters on my wall. I wanted to marry her when I grew up. When I grew up I no longer wanted to marry her, she was no good for me. that doesn't mean I didn't love her when I was younger or that I wasn't happy in my fantasy.
 

Evo

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Evo your last husband was no good for you. didn't anyone tell you that before you married him? How would you have reacted if your bridesmaid would have came up to you at the wedding and said "don't do it, Evo. You're just going to end up divorced in a few years."
I wish someone had known and told me. He had just moved into town and no one knew him.

I also got married in the courthouse, I don't believe in weddings.

You think telling this girl is the right thing to do, but the girl is happy right now. Don't destroy that. She is not being hurt. She is simply in a relationship where one partner has stronger feelings than the other one does. Don't judge the entire relationship by what some guy says when he's bragging to his friends. Judge the relationship on how this guy treats her when they are together. He's making her happy. Most relationships don't last forever no need to help with the destruction.
I disagree, but that's how I feel about the situation. I would want to know what's going on and I would be angry to find out that I was being kept in the dark. Tell me what you know and I'll decide what to do with that information. But that's me. I would expect a friend to let me know anything they suspected.

In other words, fileen has no way to know how anyone is going to respond.
 
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I'm with Evo. I think it should be told. Seen many relationships like that of which it could have been foreseen to end in a tragic way. Better now than a morgage and two kids later.

But it's tricky.
 
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Its funny. I'm actually getting upset. I hadn't realized I felt so strongly about freedom. I suppose we could take this girl and put her into a plastic bubble and tell her what to read and what to eat and who to date. We could filter the air. Make sure she never drinks any alcohol or eats fried foods. Put padding on all the sharp corners so she doesn't risk a bruise. Keep her out of the sun. We know what's best for her. As long as no one puts us into bubbles we'll be able do whatever we want and we can censor what we allow her to experience. What? You say she is extremely happy in her current relationship? We'll she shouldn't be!!! Just wait until I tell her that her boyfriend is a little bit immature and brags to his friends about his sex life. That'll wipe the smile off her face. then she'll be broken hearted instead of happy, she'll thank us for it I'm sure.
 
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You wrote down the names of the kids who got out of their seat when the teacher left the room didn't you.
I didnt go to school so no, that kid wasnt me. Im also a huge fan of rule breaking which is why my mother saw fit to keep me home. I dont want to tell her, but I do want her to know. I think shes being treated unfairly, and if we were closer I wouldnt even have to think about it, Id just tell her. The problem is, that shes just begun to like me and and I her. My other house mate and myself are going to just keep harassing Fred until he stops being dumb. Hes notorious for making stupid decisions and usually takes my advise. If nothing else he will quit talking that way around us. I suspect that Fred has never had a sexual relationship with someone and may just be bragging because hes excited about it. Hes 25 years old but he hasnt had the luck with the ladies being both a biochemistry nerd and a pothead. In the 3 years Ive known him I know he hasnt had a girlfriend and despite his efforts has not even gotten to experience a one night stand. I think that when he hears from us that saying these things is not ok, he might start to tell us about the non physical things he likes about the girl. If not, I will have no shame in telling her, but the relationships just begun and it might get better. She barely knows him so I think shes dumb for getting so attached in the first place.
 
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Its funny. I'm actually getting upset.
You're getting carried away, Trib. Things like that have neither been said nor intended. let's try and see it objectively, perhaps almost like the scientific method. Decisions should be based on sound data and information. If that information is withheld, sound decisions can't be made. And afterwards there is the mess to clean up.
 
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Of course he's immature. He's new to sex and he feels like a big man to be able to talk about it. He's seen porno and he's listened to rap so he knows how he's supposed to talk about sex. Truth is, he probably does have feelings for her, but doesn't want to sound like he's whipped. If every relationship was ended because one of the persons acted like an *** then the human race would become extinct.
She's in love, He'll grow up. Or they'll break up. That's life and it is none of your business. Keep your nose out of it.
There is not a person in here who hasn't said something to one of their friends about someone that they wouldn't like that person to know. That's what friends and private messages are for.
 

BobG

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girls just seem to be oblivious sometimes or intentionally ignore whats right in front of them if they like a guy. As though not noticing it will make it go away. Im sure guys do it too
It does make it go away. If your wife stops living at home and you don't notice, your problem goes away.
 

Kurdt

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Its funny. I'm actually getting upset. I hadn't realized I felt so strongly about freedom. I suppose we could take this girl and put her into a plastic bubble and tell her what to read and what to eat and who to date. We could filter the air. Make sure she never drinks any alcohol or eats fried foods. Put padding on all the sharp corners so she doesn't risk a bruise. Keep her out of the sun. We know what's best for her. As long as no one puts us into bubbles we'll be able do whatever we want and we can censor what we allow her to experience. What? You say she is extremely happy in her current relationship? We'll she shouldn't be!!! Just wait until I tell her that her boyfriend is a little bit immature and brags to his friends about his sex life. That'll wipe the smile off her face. then she'll be broken hearted instead of happy, she'll thank us for it I'm sure.
I think thats a bit of an over reaction. Like I've tried to convey previously its not about removing freedom. Its about giving her information which she can act upon in any way she sees fit. Thats not the same as telling her not to see the guy. If anything I'd say it gives her more freedom and more control over her life.
 

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