To the citizens of the United States of America

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In summary: We are not sure what you are carrying knives for, but we think that it would be best if you stopped. You will not be allowed to own or carry anything else dangerous in public. In summary, America is no longer an independent country. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Utah will remain a territory. The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders, will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
  • #1
Ivan Seeking
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From John Cleese: It is no longer necessary to move to Canada

In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as "favour" and "neighbour", skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.

Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced “zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "-ize" will be replaced by the suffix "-ise". You will learn that the suffix "burgh" is pronounced "burra" e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as "Pittsberg" if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'U' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up halfway through.

6. You should stop playing "American football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as "American football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American football". You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game.

Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby, which is similar to "American football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies. We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French Fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian, though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat.

The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "lager".

The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6US/gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

16. Last but not the least, and for heaven's sake... it's pronounced "nu-kleer" as in "clear" NOT "nuk-u-lar".

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day
 
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  • #2
:smile: That's quite funny. (But then again, I am not American). However, I do remember seeing in circulation after the 2000 US elections, and it made more sense in context there (as the failure to elect a President was referring to that specific fiasco).
 
  • #3
That was great! But now I can't stick around. Gotta get out and buy myself a vegetable peeler! :smile:
 
  • #4
Top quality, and ivan, when did you become a super mentor? Can I be one? please please please!
 
  • #5
I read this one months ago. Always good for a laugh, though. :smile:
 
  • #6
:smile: :smile: :smile: :smile: :smile: :smile:
 
  • #7
:smile:
Thanks Ivan. That's the funniest thing I've seen for ages. I especially liked the bit about not being allowed to own guns until grown-up enough to sort out problems without resorting to lawyers or therapists. (Ironically, Cleese has a law degree from Cambridge, and has co-authored a couple of excellent popular psychology books with his therapist). I didn't like the bit about banning hotdogs though. You can take a joke too far, in my opinion.
 
  • #8
Bah, I wield my gun precisely so that the king of England can't come push me around anymore!
 
  • #9
Pretty funny.

http://www.truthorfiction.com/ rumors/ d/ declarationrevocation.htm
 
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  • #10
:smile:

the number 42 said:
(Ironically, Cleese has a law degree from Cambridge, and has co-authored a couple of excellent popular psychology books with his therapist). I didn't like the bit about banning hotdogs though. You can take a joke too far, in my opinion.
I think Cleese is also a business/management consultant, so he'd fit right in here.

Banning hotdogs is unnecessary, but an improvement in 'American beer' would be welcome. :biggrin:
 
  • #11
Hurkyl said:
Bah, I wield my gun precisely so that the king of England can't come push me around anymore!

Call me picky, but Elizabeth II - being female - is technically not a king. Easy mistake to make if you've spent a lot of time listening to A Boy Named Sue. ( :biggrin: )
 
  • #12
the number 42 said:
Call me picky, but Elizabeth II - being female - is technically not a king. Easy mistake to make if you've spent a lot of time listening to A Boy Named Sue. ( :biggrin: )
I think that was a Simpsons reference...
 
  • #13
No! You stupid stupid people! Stop laughing! It's not a joke!


Honestly.
 
  • #14
russ_watters said:
I think that was a Simpsons reference...

Doh! (Thats a Simpsons reference too :biggrin: ).
 
  • #15
Ivan, that was hysterical! :smile:
 
  • #16
thank goodness no more football, baseball, guns, or the fcc
 
  • #17
funny i suppose, tho "It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America." isn't true.
and it's kinda arrogant. and annoying. and i can't help but feel the sentiments, while as gist, are echoed as beliefs by most people here ... heh. but don't fear boys, t he humour isn't lost with me. :D
 
  • #18
:smile::smile::smile::smile::smile:

Thanks Ivan, that was great!

Astronuc said:
... but an improvement in 'American beer' would be welcome. :biggrin:

Hear, hear! Ever since the end of prohibition we have been fed this gut rot that they like to call beer. We've been in decline ever since! :biggrin:
 
  • #19
Hurkyl said:
Bah, I wield my gun precisely so that the king of England can't come push me around anymore!
Why? What are you going to do if (s)he does start pushing you around? Shoot him? That's illegal under your current government too, sorry but your gun can't help you now! Muhahahaha

prepare to be british!
 
  • #20
Ivan Seeking said:
From John Cleese: It is no longer necessary to move to Canada

In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

:smile: I suppose we should start to worry when we hear the clip-clopping of coconuts from those silly English kin-igg-uts when they ride across the Big Pond to reclaim the colonies.
 
  • #21
Replace traffic lights with roundabouts?

For the idiot Americans who thought that comment was FUNNY, you have no idea what a serious threat this truly is to the American way of life. Look at these damned things, they're unholy!

http://home.san.rr.com/roundabout/rndabout.jpg

For the 2.25% of Americans who thought that would be a good idea; may the English Pig-Dog Crown take good care of you, for the rest of America will not allow Royalist swine to instill inbred British insanity upon our homeland!
 
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  • #22
That's odd.. that roundabout is going clockwise.. what the hell?

edit: Right.. england.. left side of road. Gotcha.
 
  • #23
wasteofo2 said:
Replace traffic lights with roundabouts?

For the idiot Americans who thought that comment was FUNNY, you have no idea what a serious threat this truly is to the American way of life. Look at these damned things, they're unholy!

:smile: We still had a few circles in NJ when I was growing up (we call them circles, not roundabouts). Actually, there are a few left in South Jersey where there still aren't that many people. Talk about scary, try going around a multiple lane circle at the intersection of two MAJOR highways that are both heavily traveled by tractor trailers. They've thankfully done away with that one long ago. If people know how to merge on and off them properly, they work great, but when you get a bunch of people on them who have no respect for the rules of the road, it turns into utter chaos! :eek:
 
  • #24
Moonbear said:
:smile: We still had a few circles in NJ when I was growing up (we call them circles, not roundabouts). Actually, there are a few left in South Jersey where there still aren't that many people. Talk about scary, try going around a multiple lane circle at the intersection of two MAJOR highways that are both heavily traveled by tractor trailers. They've thankfully done away with that one long ago. If people know how to merge on and off them properly, they work great, but when you get a bunch of people on them who have no respect for the rules of the road, it turns into utter chaos! :eek:
Well, it is New Jersey.

That's actually probabally one of the better roads I've heard of in NJ.

One time I was at a concert in Camden, and on the way back, I drove on a road which was wide enough for three cars, in a relatively urban area, and there were three lanes of cars on it. However, there were NO markings in the road. The drivers just kinda had to guess where their lane ended and the other's began.

God I hate NJ...
 
  • #25
wasteofo2 said:
Well, it is New Jersey.

That's actually probabally one of the better roads I've heard of in NJ.

One time I was at a concert in Camden, and on the way back, I drove on a road which was wide enough for three cars, in a relatively urban area, and there were three lanes of cars on it. However, there were NO markings in the road. The drivers just kinda had to guess where their lane ended and the other's began.

God I hate NJ...

LOL! All the smart people who grew up in NJ have moved out of NJ. :smile: Actually, there are some things I miss, but not the traffic. Then again, in how many other states could the drivers form 3 lanes without any lane markers and not all run into each other? That takes real skill! Around here, if there were no lane markings, it would be one lane, with a slow person weaving around the center so nobody could pass.

Since you've driven from NY to Camden, you probably know the roads...US 1 and 130 used to intersect in North Brunswick at that hairy circle I mentioned above. It's still a scary intersection even with traffic lights. The Freehold circle (Rt 9 near the Freehold racetrack) used to be pretty bad too (that's gone now as well), but that was only really bad on weekends when you had shore traffic and racetrack traffic all hitting the circle at once. Don't accidentally get on the inside lane or you'd go around a few times before getting back out!
 
  • #26
Moonbear said:
LOL! All the smart people who grew up in NJ have moved out of NJ. :smile: Actually, there are some things I miss, but not the traffic. Then again, in how many other states could the drivers form 3 lanes without any lane markers and not all run into each other? That takes real skill! Around here, if there were no lane markings, it would be one lane, with a slow person weaving around the center so nobody could pass.

I think the fact that it was around 1 in the morning and there were only about 7 cars on the road helped a bit. Coming out of the concert, I saw a kid who literally looked like her was 13 (and I'm only 16!) driving a racecar out of the parking lot (very badly), so I don't exactly have faith in NJ drivers (or the fact that they actually have laws in NJ).
 
  • #27
wasteofo2 said:
I think the fact that it was around 1 in the morning and there were only about 7 cars on the road helped a bit. Coming out of the concert, I saw a kid who literally looked like her was 13 (and I'm only 16!) driving a racecar out of the parking lot (very badly), so I don't exactly have faith in NJ drivers (or the fact that they actually have laws in NJ).

Oh, nobody in NJ follows actual written laws, but there are sort of unwritten "rules" that you know you just can't break if you don't want to get squashed. Like, forget that whole one car length per 10 mph you're driving, because as soon as there's a car length between you and the next car, another car will pull into it. Just ride their bumper and watch for brake lights 3 cars ahead so you can all stop simultaneously. If you can't stop, well, that's why you're paying a small fortune for car insurance, might as well get your money's worth out of it. In fact, the only time you should leave a full car length between you and the car in front of you is when stopped at a traffic light, at night, in either Newark or Camden. And when the light turns green, the appropriate amount of time to wait to make sure the cars in the opposing direction have stopped for their red light is indicated by the person behind you leaning on their horn. You thank them for giving you the "all-clear" by raising the middle finger. :smile:
 
  • #28
We have a roundabout where you can choose between going round it clockwise or anticlockwise. Now that's fun!
 
  • #29
Moonbear said:
Oh, nobody in NJ follows actual written laws, but there are sort of unwritten "rules" that you know you just can't break if you don't want to get squashed.
Are you sure of that? It's not that I have trouble believing people in NJ break the laws, infact, if there were really laws, I'd assume that's what NJ citizens would be required to do in a weird Catch-22. However, I'm not totally convinced that NJ has laws, a legislature, or even a government for that matter. Do you just assume NJ has laws, because you know every other state has laws, and you see police cars and there are periodically held "elections?", or have you actually seen the written laws of NJ. You might assume that your elected officials would have something to do with writing laws and enforcing them, but after finding out that thing with McGreevey (however his name's spelled) appointing that isreali guy with no qualifications as head of Homeland Security, because he was cute, is there any reason to have any faith in the elected officials of NJ? I mean, hell, the people of New Jersey elected them in the first place...
 
  • #30
wasteofo2 said:
Are you sure of that? It's not that I have trouble believing people in NJ break the laws, infact, if there were really laws, I'd assume that's what NJ citizens would be required to do in a weird Catch-22. However, I'm not totally convinced that NJ has laws, a legislature, or even a government for that matter. Do you just assume NJ has laws, because you know every other state has laws, and you see police cars and there are periodically held "elections?", or have you actually seen the written laws of NJ. You might assume that your elected officials would have something to do with writing laws and enforcing them, but after finding out that thing with McGreevey (however his name's spelled) appointing that isreali guy with no qualifications as head of Homeland Security, because he was cute, is there any reason to have any faith in the elected officials of NJ? I mean, hell, the people of New Jersey elected them in the first place...

:smile: :smile: :smile: Oh, I doubt there is a more corrupt state government in the US than exists in NJ. I guess things just fail to shock me about NJ anymore. Though, you know, when I was younger, the drivers weren't that bad in NJ, it actually had the reputation of being "the safest state" for driving (it was even stamped on all the car inspection stickers in case anyone needed reminding). We blame it all on the NYers who started moving into NJ and commuting to the city. They brought that NYC chaotic driving with them. Really, when I was a kid, it was rare to have someone willing to live in my town and commute the long distance to NYC, but with increasing bus service and rising costs of living closer to the city, the commuters started flocking into central Jersey. One of my friends from NY who always busted on me for being from NJ recently moved to NJ, so I'm getting the last laugh on him telling him what I told you here, that the smart people move OUT of NJ, not INTO it. :smile:
 
  • #31
Since you've driven from NY to Camden, you probably know the roads...US 1 and 130 used to intersect in North Brunswick at that hairy circle I mentioned above.

I think I hit this circle last summer while driving from Allentown to Princeton (Seemed like there were no roads connecting these two places!)

Of course, I was alone, in strange country (If you east coasters think Jersey is strange... I was born, raised and live in the back woods of Oregon! Yes we have pavement!) relying on The Hertz GPS system... I took me a couple of tries but I made it! What a nightmare.. Oh yeah this was at about 4:00 on a weekday afternoon.

BTW: Just checked the map... the circle I encountered was not in North Brunswick, the first time I drove to Princeton I came in from the north off of 78, I followed the GPS, so I am not sure how I got there! Later trips were from the PA turnpike through Philly then on 95 and 1. No circles on the that route.
 
  • #32
Integral said:
I think I hit this circle last summer while driving from Allentown to Princeton (Seemed like there were no roads connecting these two places!)

Of course, I was alone, in strange country (If you east coasters think Jersey is strange... I was born, raised and live in the back woods of Oregon! Yes we have pavement!) relying on The Hertz GPS system... I took me a couple of tries but I made it! What a nightmare.. Oh yeah this was at about 4:00 on a weekday afternoon.

BTW: Just checked the map... the circle I encountered was not in North Brunswick, the first time I drove to Princeton I came in from the north off of 78, I followed the GPS, so I am not sure how I got there! Later trips were from the PA turnpike through Philly then on 95 and 1. No circles on the that route.

You definitely didn't hit that circle last summer. It's been gone probably 15 years now. :smile: I think there's still a circle or two on 70 (S.R., not Interstate), but if you wound up there, your GPS was taking you pretty far off-track. I've never driven to Princeton from 78, so not sure what you encounter that way. Were you coming down 206? There are some weird spots on that. I can't recall if there are circles, but there are some places where they seem to have a string of weird merges and zigzags as they connected roads in what seemed like an afterthought of the construction process. Actually, that's not uncommon with NJ roads. I grew up just off Rt 18, which used to be a fairly short highway. The basically built the middle, then ran into problems with people unwilling to sell their property or have a highway running past their backyards, so couldn't extend it north to connect to anything, and either didn't consider connecting it further south or ran out of funds for it, so you'd get about halfway to where you were going, than have to take a random zig-zag of roads to get to the Parkway or an interstate. They've since extended it considerably further south so you can take it directly to the Parkway (it wouldn't surprise me if Trump and the other Atlantic City casino owners had something to do with this to make it easier to head to the shore), and are still in the middle of digging up half the Rutgers campus to extend the northern section directly to I-287 (the other half of the homeowners in that area started protesting because their little "historic" road was being trampled by tractor trailers having to drive about 5 miles along this one-lane winding road to get from one major highway to another, which made neither homeowners nor trucking companies happy -- in the end, I think trucking companies have more pull than homeowners for getting construction pushed through).
 
  • #33
wasteofo2 said:
http://home.san.rr.com/roundabout/rndabout.jpg

WOAH! Isn't that a prize-winning crop circle?
 
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