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Tough spot

  1. Dec 23, 2009 #1
    Sigh guys lol. Me and my girlfriend have been in a tough spot... we've been through a lot in the last 2 years we were together(caused by both of us) but this situation I just do not know how to handle and I'm not exactly sure what to do... I have mixed feelings about it.

    So about 2 months ago I saw some guy texting my girlfriend about something that I felt was inappropriate... so I got made. She defended his text and started texting him more around me, pissed me off. Anyways about a week later she tells me she needs to go on a break. We had decided not to do anything with any other people until we decided between ourselves what was going on. Gravy. So she then starts telling me about how she wants to get back together with me and she wants to be with me and misses me and etc etc. So I say ok and we started talking and then she changed her mind suddenly, she didn't want to move too 'fast' and she didn't want things 'official'. I didn't really understand the problem, I mean like it's not as if she's some new girl... I dated her for 2 years...

    I started getting weird messages about her and that guy I got mad about texting her that stuff, about how her and him had a 'thing' going on. She denied it all, said they just talked about school and that was as far as anything gone between them. The people who were telling me this stuff were from her church, this guy is also from her church.

    So I decided to trust her on this since that was a big issue before we broke up, trusting each other. So I went on a limb and I trusted her with that and we continued talking. I found out tonight however that for the first month or so she was constantly chilling with this other guy and she was buying him clothes and stuff... I thought that was something that's kind of gay for her to lie to me about. After I talked to her about it she says 'she had a crush on him and was just getting to know him' but it turned out she was using her just so he could get some free stuff.

    What seems to have happened here is that she was interested in this guy so left me to go and try and get with him but that failed, so now she's come back to me and she had been talking about how she wants to be my girlfriend now etc. etc.

    I feel as if now she has only come back to me because things didn't work out between her and this other guy... that is to say if he didn't do those things to her then she would have probably gone off with him instead. She says she didn't do anything with him and was just trying to get to know him and he's an ******* and she found out that... but it makes no difference what she found out it was her intentions

    What do you guys think I should do... I mean I really love this girl and my heart is telling me that I should forgive her and just show her how much better for her I can be... but on the other hand my brain is saying 'don't be stupid, she's only wanting to be with you because things didn't work out with him.' And I don't know if that's a bad thing or what to make of it at all... like if she DID hook up with him I'd probably try a bit to try and win her back but like the situation feels different now.

    It's just difficult because I genuinely love her, lol. I've talked with and been with my fair share of girls and I always thought that love was something that you just gain for a person and it can go away once you find that 'next person' but it's different with her... I've never been through this situation before.

    And I'd rather only serious comments/answers no poking fun at me or the situation and no referencing to stupid generic youtube videos. This is quite serious to me and I'm pretty lost.
     
  2. jcsd
  3. Dec 23, 2009 #2

    Borek

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    Staff: Mentor

    From what I understand she wasn't honest with you before, no idea why you should trust her now. I mean - whatever have happened may happen again. I bet your brain is right, after all it is made for thinking; heart is just a pump.
     
  4. Dec 23, 2009 #3
    Once she puts someone ahead of you in her mind it's over. She will do it again. You weren't good enough a couple months ago. Suddenly you are again? What happens when Johnny #2 comes around. You'll end up being yo-yo'd all over again. Run for the hills mate, run for the hills. The only thing worse than losing the one you love, is knowing you lost them but still keeping them around out of your own fear.
     
  5. Dec 23, 2009 #4
    yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking pretty much. I can't help but 'feel' that I can still just forgive her and move past it and trust her it wouldn't happen again but this is just something I feel not really what I think. I don't even think I'm making sense.
     
  6. Dec 23, 2009 #5
    Lol, thanks Borek :smile:
     
  7. Dec 23, 2009 #6
    You make sense. These decisions are excruciatingly difficult. I know you could forgive her, not a problem. Unfortunately it's not about you. In the end there is nothing you can do and that fact is hardest to swallow. You can be the best human being on the planet, but that wouldn't change this problem. You can't change her and she has made it clear you can be expendable. That fact should make your blood boil and want to get your dignity/respect back. There is only one way to do that.
     
  8. Dec 23, 2009 #7
    I sacrifice her to a greek god?
     
  9. Dec 23, 2009 #8
    Sigh this is much too true. Almost unbearable.
     
  10. Dec 23, 2009 #9
    All the objective advice, mine included, is basically 'move on'. It's concievable that things could work out, but instead, you should take up professional poker and go all in every chance you get to draw to an inside straight. Better odds.

    Sorry, Sorry!
     
  11. Dec 24, 2009 #10
    Theoretically it is possible that, you two being relatively young, she had feelings and felt that she should explore them and so did the responsible thing and "took a break" with you to do so and now she realizes it was a mistake and would like you back. Its possible. Just how likely I am unsure. I would imagine that she would have been a bit more forth coming if she were being responsible about this. Her lying and hiding things is a bad sign. Most likely everyone who has responded already is right and you should move on. Many younger women feel the need to have a boyfriend at all times and will do things like this though more often they just cheat and then break up with their boyfriend for the new guy. I've known LOTS of women like this.

    How many boyfriends has she had? How long has she ever been single at any one time? If she has had several boyfriends and has rarely been single longer than a month or two I am pretty sure that you have your answer right there.
     
  12. Dec 24, 2009 #11
    If you really love her give her a chance. I know couples who have been in that position before and it really means a lot to be forgiven and given another chance. Then in time you look back and see how that person who gave you another chance was always there and loved you uncondtionally and how lucky you are to have them. People make crazy mistakes all the time in life, obviously this is not an excuse to treat people badly but she is only human, she did take a break to sort out her feelings which is much better than cheating on you behind your back. I say give her another chance.
    Merry Christmas!
     
  13. Dec 24, 2009 #12

    BobG

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    Homework Helper

    She's playing the ladders game. You're not the end-all be-all, you're just kind of high on the ladder. If someone higher up the ladder comes along, she'll dump you in a minute for the guy higher up the ladder.

    That's not terribly unusual. But, it could take her a few years to get tired of that game and to start trying to figure out what could be her end-all be-all.

    If you're not looking for the end-all be-all person right now, you have no problems. Otherwise, sacrifice her to a Greek god.
     
  14. Dec 24, 2009 #13
    Done.

    As for how many boyfriends she has had she has had 3 including myself. She says that when she decided to take a break from our relationship that it wasn't because of any other guy... not that I really trust her right now. However last night she was talking to me and she was STILL lying to me... about stuff that I had already known she was continuing to lie about it. And when I asked her why she said I don't want you to know I don't think it matters lol...
    she also claims she was never interested in getting together with this guy. She had bought him close to 500$ worth of clothes... says she did it because she had a crush on him and was trying to make him happy just because she wanted to be nice... HIGHLY doubt that.

    I was willing to leave things alone for a while longer and then see what happens from there however after these more recent lies I don't think I can do that.

    Thanks for the advice guys :smile:
     
  15. Dec 24, 2009 #14
    Sounds like you already did it, but my advice also would be to cut her loose. Man, what a crappy time of year to deal with this kind of stuff. Anyways, I'm posting because, and others may disagree, but I really feel that if you do this, you really should also break off all communication/interaction with her if you can. It's hard enough to get past these things without stringing it along. People may be able to be 'friends' after relationships end, but not right away.

    Best of luck.
     
  16. Dec 24, 2009 #15
    Yeah, I completely agree with what you're saying here. She's been e-mailing me today a lot about how she was sorry and she was just bored or something I honestly do not know why she is trying to make it seem like it's ok. To me it is far from ok, so I just told her basically what Greg suggested to me about how I wasn't good enough a couple of months ago.

    This is different and hard for me though not even just because of my own emotions attached to her but because I feel that she is legitimately hurt by the situation and what I've said to her(which wasn't some of the nicest things) and I'm not used to doing that to people. I'm normally really nice and easy going... I might be a smart *** to a person but I never intentionally go out to say things or do things to hurt a person and it feels like that's what I'm doing to her now. :sadface:
     
  17. Dec 24, 2009 #16
    If you truly love her, then she will be more important than the relationship you are trying to cling on to. Therefore, for her sake, break it up with her.
     
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