# What Do You Do If ?

• Zargawee
What do you do if you're in the lobby of the airport and are approached by a trio of intense bald men wearing sheets or blankets or something, who begin to tell you about the personal and professional salvation available in this and all perpendicular dimensions through the teachings of guru Dob Bod, The Palindrome Boy and Manager of the shipping department at Sears?
Ascribe within!

What do you do if you learn how to Ascribe Within, only to find out that the "palidromer" (Dob Bod) is realistically a reversal of the mirror image of the duplicates, replication of, it's own image, and you see a cat (Feline) jumping over the Moon, in the background? Tell me, Just what do you do?

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if you learn how to Ascribe Within, only to find out that the "palidromer" (Dob Bod) is realistically a reversal of the mirror image of the duplicates, replication of, it's own image, and you see a cat (Feline) jumping over the Moon, in the background? Tell me, Just what do you do?
With practice persons can learn
to resemble photographs of them-
selves. The cat in the background
is a disturbing image, leaping
over the moon like that. Try
elevating it's height above the
horizon so that next time it won't
be able to get over it. There is
also a big problem with cats and
christmas trees, but I haven't
foud a solution yet.

What do you do if you log onto
PhysicsForums one morning and
suddenly realize you have entered
a perpendicular universe where
things are classified and arranged
very differently from the way they
are in your universe, but the same
ational of the same personalities
as they are in your universe?

Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if you log onto PhysicsForums one morning and suddenly realize you have entered a perpendicular universe where things are classified and arranged very differently from the way they are in your universe, but the same usernames seem to be representational of the same personalities as they are in your universe?
Quick, first call a mentor, (Use the "Alert Mentor" System!) and ask them if, in this universe, deleting your posts actually arises in creating entirely new works, with your name on them, that you never ever bothered to type!

What do you do if, every time you 'post' a 'post', it is 'deposted' by a 'deposter'(er)??

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if, every time you 'post' a 'post', it is 'deposted' by a 'deposter'(er)??
Depose the deposter and deposit
his deposition at the depot.

What do you do if, when you're
crawling on all fours toward the
Gugenheim Museum for the opening
of their new exhibit of your
paintings, it suddenly occurs to
you that you're not sure that
event has been copied over from
the last perpendicular universe
you were in where it had original-
ly been arranged?

Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if, when you're crawling on all fours toward the
Gugenheim Museum for the opening of their new exhibit of your paintings, it suddenly occurs to you that you're not sure that
event has been copied over from the last perpendicular universe
you were in where it had originally been arranged?
You take a transverse viewpoint in opposition to the tangential reflection of the inverted trans^cis^dis spatialzation of the morphic, to see if it really was your painting(s) that were displayed, (given the temporallities of perpendicular universes, they may have already morphed) rather then simply an isomorphic interpretation of the events histologically historic result...or look under the rug, one or the other.

What do you do if zoobyshoe writes out one of those "Amazing but True" stories, and you suddenly realize that "The Zoob" is actually plagerising your life in "fractured" fiction??

Last edited:
Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if zoobyshoe writes out one of those "Amazing but True" stories, and you suddenly realize that "The Zoob" is actually plagerising your life in "fractured" fiction??
I can only speculate. Chimpanzees and the works of Shakespeare? Read
also what I posted in the thread
in "physics" I think it is called
in this perpendcular universe
ion of order. (Thread started by
Ivan-can't remember the name). Is
there some kind of "Sync" develop-
ing here, resulting from the un-
conscious gathering of bits and
pieces of info unconsciously put
into posts? "The Zoob" has no
conscious knowledge that any "Ama-
zing but True" shaggy dog story
he has posted is anything but the
creation of his general dementia
and imaginative twisting of
stories in the public domain,
(such as the film "Shine" in which
the main character collapses
onstage at the end of his thesis
performance of the Rachmaninov 2).
Therefore "The Zoob" himself would
be more startled than anyone else
to discover any more-than-coinci-
dental resemblence between his
byzantine meanderings and the real
life of any actual living person,
(unless the actual subject of that
film who is a real person residing
on the continent of Australia,
happened to decide to pretend he
would be his prerogative, but I
very much doubt it because that
person would be unlikely to have
an interest in physics).
Private communication?
Close enough to seem like
plagarism? I can't account for it.
Don't have a clue.

What do you do if you're crawling
on all fours back toward the
portal into the perpendicular
dimension from which you came and
you can't remember upon which axis
to rotate to enter the portal?

What do you do if you're crawling on all fours back toward the
portal into the perpendicular dimension from which you came and
you can't remember upon which axis to rotate to enter the portal?
Stand up! take a measure of your current position, multiply the X axis vector by 42, the y vector by half of that, and then follow the Z axis along the lines projected from the previous measures, (Stop and enjoy a 'Nice Beverage' while doing this, it is refreshing) as long as you have summed all of the vectors properly, you will arrive at the place you departed, within several parsecs of time, and be met by the "greeting" party (careful!) as they endevour to assure you that you have followed the right pathway, to the Stars! (Say "Hi!" to "The Zoob" for me when you get there, will ya?)

What do you do if while exiting the dimensional portal, you fnd that your math was off, and you, instead of meeting "The Zoob" meet "The Booz"??

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if while exiting the dimensional portal, you fnd that your math was off, and you, instead of meeting "The Zoob" meet "The Booz"??
Unlikely. You might, however,
encounter "booZ ehT", although
even that is subject to further,
Vanna White-like flipping.

What do you do if the unlikely
happens, you meet "The Booz",
you remember that part of the
directions provided by a friendly
passerby were to have a drink, you
drink "The Booz", then remember
that You are "The Zoob"
and have just quaffed your own
perpendicular alter ego?

What do you do if the unlikely happens, you meet "The Booz", you remember that part of the directions provided by a friendly passerby were to have a drink, you drink "The Booz", then remember that You are "The Zoob" and have just quaffed your own perpendicular alter ego?
Quick Run to the bathroom and have a great big **** and hope like Mad that your perpendicular ego survives the passage. If they do, congrats to them and the two of you should have a nice time, if not, Ooooops youse in BIG trouble NOW!

What do you do if you don't know what to do, if??

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if you don't know what to do, if??
If "if" happens, (again, not
likely), the main focus of your
concentration should be to recall
what Einstein said to Feynman:
"Young man, where are they serving
tea?" to which Feynman responded.

What do you do if you can't tell
if you have momentum or are inert?

What do you do if you can't tell if you have momentum or are inert
Take a test, spin yourself, interdimensionally, to see if the perpendicular dimension is still obvious to you, if yes, then you are inert, if no, well, have fun! (Cause you is LOST!)

What do you do if you is lost??

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if you is lost??
It's funny you should ask that
question because a Polish aviator
of my acquaintence once gave me the following advice to remember
if I should ever be piloting a 747
over the Bermuda Triangle and find
myself sucked into a perpendicular
universe: "Ttthhhizzzhhhh wwwhhhh
yyyy toooo suummpt..suuummmptin
rowwwnd n sssssortaaah...whaaa?
Ohhh tthhuh tss riiite."

What do you do if you're crawling
on all fours toward the 747 you
are scheduled to pilot over the
over the prospects of the non-stop
flow of Martinis you evision to
be in your immediate future, when
all of a sudden you realize you
have been mispronouncing the word
"foliage" for years?

What do you do if you're crawling on all fours toward the 747 you
are scheduled to pilot over the Bermuda Triangle, just about unable to contain your enthusiasm over the prospects of the non-stop flow of Martinis you evision to be in your immediate future, when all of a sudden you realize you have been mispronouncing the word "foliage" for years?
Definately Exfoliate, then Moisturize, then while flying your 747 over the Bermuda triangle, look down, see if you can find my boat, cause I lost it, with all hands, (cept me, naturally...SHHHH!) while I was exploring for that lost wreck's treasure that we fouXXXooops I mean that we were trying to find, that contained all of the silver dollars and gold coins, and that really really nice broach, the *Diamond* one, looks F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S baby, and return it all to me at PO Box # 12345678910 Station XQZ, via interdimensional portal, as I am vacationing in the perpendicular dimension at present...THANKS!

What do you do if your mail doesn't seem to be making it through to you?

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if your mail doesn't seem to be making it through to you?
Given the fact the person who
seems most interested in sending
me things is the Unabomber, I
am content.

What do you do if you're repelling
off the side of Mt. Rushmore and
you notice that some vandal has
chipped the words "Do you realize
how far you are from the nearest
toilet?" into the side of Jeffer-

What do you do if you're repelling off the side of Mt. Rushmore and
you notice that some vandal has chipped the words "Do you realize
how far you are from the nearest toilet?" into the side of Jeffer-
Haul out your erasor and erase the graffiti, first, then, prove that how far away you are, from any given toilet, is irrelevant. (cleanses the rock I hear)

What do yo do if you are caught "cleansing" the side of Jefferson's forehead?

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do yo do if you are caught "cleansing" the side of Jefferson's forehead?
It's funny you should ask that
because once, when I was crawling
on all fours toward the neaest
bathroom, which was quite far
away, as the Zoobie crawls, it
occured to me that never once in
my life have I been stopped on the
street by someone who had mistaken
me for Thomas Jefferson.

What do you do if you are crawling on all fours across a road near
Loch Ness and a carload of tour-
ists stops and starts yelling, "It's Nessie!, It's Nessie!"

Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if you are crawling on all fours across a road near
Loch Ness and a carload of tour-
ists stops and starts yelling, "It's Nessie!, It's Nessie!"

You head towards the water screaming: "That's it. Can't a sea monster go cleansing Jefferson's forehead in peace? Honey, get the ship out. We're moving."

What do you do if you wake up one morning realising you're staring in an underwater version of "Married. With children" called "Married. With nessies"?

Originally posted by Sonty
What do you do if you wake up one morning realising you're staring in an underwater version of "Married. With children" called "Married. With nessies"?
PRAY that there is a God, and that, that God, left an exit in the Loch, that goes out to the Sea...Freeeeeeeedom!

What do you do if you've been elected in the "Community Awards" polls as the most cantakerous/difficult/obnoxious/idiotic/cranially-vacant (but FUN) poster, in the entirety of the PF's, but find out later that you were the only person up for that award??

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if you've been elected in the "Community Awards" polls as the most cantakerous/difficult/obnoxious/idiotic/cranially-vacant (but FUN) poster, in the entirety of the PF's, but find out later that you were the only person up for that award??
It's always best to seek a precident in classical literature for this kind of situation and in the above described case the works of Scabius Cankerus come to mind as the most likely place to seek solace :"May all ye who read this develop boils on your asses and may your children's parents live to see their grandfather's grandchildren have to sit in a bath of potash and brine for two and twenty days as I have done..."

What do you do if you're repelling
down the side of the statue of liberty and a little door in her breast suddenly opens revealing the intense face of a man who says "What do you think this is, Tuesday?"

Originally asked by zoobyshoe (as if y'all didn't know)
What do you do if you're repelling down the side of the statue of liberty and a little door in her breast suddenly opens revealing the intense face of a man who says "What do you think this is, Tuesday?"
You respond to him, "WHAT the HECK DOES THAT MATTER?" and wait to see if the intense look on his face dissappears. If it doesn't, then just keep repeling down and ignore the (expletive deleted), if his expression does change, then thank him for the forewarning, and remember that, on Tuesdays, there is an extra charge (SurTAX) for repeling down on the Statue Of Liberty!

What do you do if you find out it is actually Tuesday, you need to pay the Surtax, and you haven't got the money, so they are going to put you in "Sing-Sing", for life!?

I can't Believe it that I'm posting in here Again ... It's been a long time , I hope you didn't forget me [:P]

What do you do if you find out it is actually Tuesday, you need to pay the Surtax, and you haven't got the money, so they are going to put you in "Sing-Sing", for life!?

well , Sing-Sing Is a good place , at least they serve food in there , don't they ?

What do you do if I told you that your life is just a joke , and you're dead now ?

What do you do if I told you that your life is just a joke , and you're dead now ?
Stop laughing, and go on with my life in a manner that precludes further jokes!

What do you do if you cannot go on with your life, everyone is still laughing, and the level of threats ("Bubba 'n the boys") against, you just went up nth fold??

Originally whispered through a handkerchief stretched over the mouthpiece of a payphone at the back of a seedy bar by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if you cannot go on with your life, everyone is still laughing, and the level of threats ("Bubba 'n the boys") against, you just went up nth fold??
Keep them busy by tipping their cows, pulling the glow plugs out of their tractors, and loosening the lug nuts on their pickup's tires.

What do you do if you're repelling down Le Tour Eiffel and you pass a native who pokes his companion and says, "Regard! Ce type a trois oreilles!"

What do you do if you're repelling down Le Tour Eiffel and you pass a native who pokes his companion and says, "Regard! Ce type a trois oreilles!"

I will say :"Damn , Why I wasn't paying attention in Frensh language class "

What do you do if there's no MTV anymore ?

Originally posted by Zargawee
What do you do if there's no MTV anymore ?
You crawl on all fours to the nearest library and say, "Please!

What do you do if the breast implant of a woman sitting next to you on a flight to Rio De Janeiro begins to pulsate in resonance with the craft's engines while she is napping until it sqirms its way out of her low cut dress?

You try to quiet down the other thing that's pulsating in your pants by closing your eyes and thinking at that big statue you're heading towards. If that doesn't do it a few trips to the bathroom should.

What do you do if some constipated fellow blocks the bathroom and you're told to go back to your seat?

I would take a dump and hide it under my neighbors chair, telling the flight attendent he did it.

What would you do if you were skydiving and you realized your parachute and your backup parachute are both broken?

Originally posted by rdn98
What would you do if you were skydiving and you realized your parachute and your backup parachute are both broken?
Look around, really fast, for the nearest Marshmellow farm, head for it, and a soft landing!

What do you do if you crawl out from underneath your sleeping rock, in the morning, and the light hitting your eyes is traveling at C2, blinding you to the fact that your rock was dimensionaly transposed, while you slept, into a dimension the is not only perpendicular to the original, but also several fold, many times, more dimensional then you have ever experianced before?

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if you crawl out from underneath your sleeping rock, in the morning, and the light hitting your eyes is traveling at C2, blinding you to the fact that your rock was dimensionaly transposed, while you slept, into a dimension the is not only perpendicular to the original, but also several fold, many times, more dimensional then you have ever experianced before?
This sensation happens to me all the time and is nearly always the illusory result of having landed in a stack of marshmallows after both chutes failed while skydiving. A warm bath, and a nice cup of hot chocolate (with marshmallows) will reorient you.

What do you do if the breast implant of the woman next to you on a flight to Acapulco begins to vibrate enharmonically in response to some frequency being generated by the engines such that it begins to emit what sounds almost exactly like the bass line in measure 11 of Bach's Two-Part Invention # 14?

Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if the breast implant of the woman next to you on a flight to Acapulco begins to vibrate enharmonically in response to some frequency being generated by the engines such that it begins to emit what sounds almost exactly like the bass line in measure 11 of Bach's Two-Part Invention # 14?
First you need to place your ear right up to it to determine if the Baseline is in resonant hormony with your estimation of it, as opposed to some resonant harmonic that is engine driven. Once you have determined that it is, in fact, and in deed, the Breast that is generating the sound, take out your tuning fork and place the lower end of the fork against 'said' Breast as to determine if the harmonic is generating a secondary wavefront that will cause a complete discombobulation of the engines fuel input systems as to cause the crashing of the airplane, should the harmonic be allowed to continue. If it is generating the harmonic, then suckling at said Breat should dimish the harmonic as to ensure that all of the passengers are safe, if NOT then sit back, enjoy the ride, and the wonderful sounds of Bach!

What do you do if while enjoying the lovely harmony of breast generated Bach, you realize that you used the wrong tuning fork, the jet's fuel systems have just shut down, the plane is diving towards the Earth at greater then Mach speeds, and you only have a penknife with which to save the day?

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if while enjoying the lovely harmony of breast generated Bach, you realize that you used the wrong tuning fork, the jet's fuel systems have just shut down, the plane is diving towards the Earth at greater then Mach speeds, and you only have a penknife with which to save the day?
Since, in McGyver terms, having a penknife amounts to having an entire machine shop, you simply reconfigure your tuning fork to the correct frequency to get the fuel system back online, instruct the woman to apply it to her breast while tapping it, and crawl forward to the cockpit to coach the pilots on how to grow peanuts in magnesium poor soil while you take the controls and perform whatever entertaining acrobatics come to mind.

What do you do if, after landing safely, you discover that your quick thinking, expertise, and
heroism is neglected by the media in favor of an unwarranted focus on the silicon shenanigans that started it all?

Originally quiried by someone who has climbed the highest mountains, swum the deepest Seas, and still hasn't told us if they are male of female
What do you do if, after landing safely, you discover that your quick thinking, expertise, and
heroism is neglected by the media in favor of an unwarranted focus on the silicon shenanigans that started it all?
Quickly grab the nearest microphone, proclaim yourself as an expert in the resonant harmonics of silicone implants, then place the woman down on the ground and begin explaining exactly, detail for detail, how her improperly placed implants, Had they been done originally by you, would never have generated the harmonic to affect the airplanes avionics systems in the manner that they did.

What do you do if after explaining all of that to the medai people present, they decide to make you Hero of the year, but you have completely lost it because you realize that you left your "Hero of the Year" suit, in your other bag??

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons What do you do if after explaining all of that to the medai people present, they decide to make you Hero of the year, but you have completely lost it because you realize that you left your "Hero of the Year" suit, in your other bag??
It is comforting at times like this to be mindfull of the classical precidents, in particular, the words of the Latin life-commentator,Scabius Cankerous who said: "There is, among the Romans, a certain type of man who, after having given way to great agitation over his servant's having forgotten his spare toga, will calm his spirit and attempt to wear his wine
spill as if it were a greatly humorous spill, as if by adopting the manner of the clown he can turn attention from his embarrassment and put all at ease by inviting their laughter instead of withering beneath it. I call this type of man shameless, and would that all his togas bear the stain of the supporating ass-boil that stains my togas."

What do you do if you are the custodian of a building with a public restroom and some person unknown to you keeps plugging up the toilet by depositing stools of a size such that they they would more probably be compared to sequoya logs than anything reasonably expected to be produced by a human?

Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if you are the custodian of a building with a public restroom and some person unknown to you keeps plugging up the toilet by depositing stools of a size such that they they would more probably be compared to sequoya logs than anything reasonably expected to be produced by a human?
AAAhhhhhhh, a problem I have readily tackled on several occasions as having lived in several domiciles wherein the larger of the occupants were quite capable of replications of the stump of the General Grant Giant Sequoia. Take a leasing contract at the local tool rental outlet, renting for yourself a JackHammer, a Portable Ice Drill, (with Augers, various sizes needed) and a large Air Compressor, capable of a minimium of seventy five CFM (75 Cubic Feet per Minute) with the associated footage of Hosing and nozzles.
Given the Equipment listed above, the rest of the Job is a self evident reality of sequential use, with the adjuncted reminder of wearing all of the saftey and Bio-Hazard gear that you can possibly find, (and the oxygen tanks too) and the prewarning to ensure that the contractor that you hired with the dump truck be quite prepared to have an adequate sized truck arrive as these people sometimes underestimate the actual, and real, need of space. (good for you in contracting for the price, really really bad if they don't haul it all away for YA)

What do you do if when your contractor shows up to haul away all of the fecal mess that you just excavated, and the dump truck they bring, is only a 'six wheeler', and you have enough to fill several semi dump trailers?

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons, Emperor of Toilets, and Master of Problematic Plumbing What do you do if when your contractor shows up to haul away all of the fecal mess that you just excavated, and the dump truck they bring, is only a 'six wheeler', and you have enough to fill several semi dump trailers? [/B]
Just evacuate the area and call into headquarters for round the clock napalm treatment.

What do you do if, while cleaning the toilet, the lid on the water tank slides back and what appears to be a very small Native American pokes his head up and says: "Hey! What did I tell you about vasectomies!?"