Understanding Interactions Between Male and Female Students in Academic Settings

[qspeechc]

A feel like I can really learn something from this thread, being an extreme introvert myself!

 

[EnumaElish]

I am thinking of asking her out now but the actual date would be in 3 months time. You think that is not a good idea?

How will this make you less anxious? Suppose you put it forth to her, and supposing she says "oh, okay," aren't you going to be even more worried that she changes her mind during those 3 long months? (I bet you would be.)

"Date? What date? Oh, the one we had talked about, back in September of 2007? Yeah, I almost remember. You see, my circumstances have changed. I knew you'd understand."

There are two ways to avoid these worries, and you are aware of both.

 

[Moonbear]

Why would it be in three month's time? What's wrong with this weekend?

EXACTLY! If you ask someone on a date and then don't schedule it for 3 months, that just sounds weird...like you're either still trying to hide the bodies from the last date, or married and waiting for the wife to be away visiting her mother, or, well, nothing that makes it sound like a good idea. If you're going to ask her out, and she says yes, just do it as soon as you both have a free day...this weekend, next weekend, Wednesday night, whatever, but as soon as possible, not 3 months down the road.

 

[cristo]

EXACTLY! If you ask someone on a date and then don't schedule it for 3 months, that just sounds weird...like you're either still trying to hide the bodies from the last date, or married and waiting for the wife to be away visiting her mother, or, well, nothing that makes it sound like a good idea. If you're going to ask her out, and she says yes, just do it as soon as you both have a free day...this weekend, next weekend, Wednesday night, whatever, but as soon as possible, not 3 months down the road.

:rofl::rofl: I agree. Plus, it's going to be a lot easier to say something like "hey, do you fancy grabbing a coffee later in the week" rather than "will you go on a date with me?" yea, sure "ok, how does 17th December suit you?" I think if someone asked me out on a date (although I'm a guy, so that doesn't happen all that often!) and they scheduled it for three months down the line I'd think "hang on a minute; this girl can't really be that interested in me if she's putting this date off three months."

 

[theoritician]

The Physics Forum had a problem: I changed my email, and I hadn't got a confirmation email after 3 days. The 'confirmation' emails were not being sent and without the confirmation response, members aren't able to post or send/read new PM's (the thin/'not bold' look to a user's name means that they can't post or PM for one reason or another). I couldn't PM or post to find out what's wrong, I'd emailed the 'webmaster' from the bottom of the PF nexus page about a half dozen times with no response to find out what's wrong and how to correct it (maybe it wasn't working either). The "PF Prime" and the "PF Nexus" (at the bottom left of the page) have totally different looks and links, too (I was using the "PF Prime" format, which doesn't even have a 'contact us' link). They just fixed the problem and I'm able to 'post' again (thanks whomever!).



Anyway:

In this 'subset of pre-dating activities'

First base--- you saw/found someone you're interested in (and she may be in you).

Second base---you made contact (you got out of your shell) of some sort, and she didn't run.

Third base---you returned to make contact several more times, and she still didn't run.

Fourth base (home run for this stage)---you (causally) ask her to do something (coffee or ?(tea)) outside of the space that has been 'common' ground so far. Einstein dated even when he was in school, if that makes any difference.

Anything can happen to you (or her) in the next three months. Wouldn't it be a pity, a shame, and a waste if something happened that you missed your chance to even go out on a 'study' date (tomorrow maybe even) by you 'thinking' that it would be 'best' if you waited 90 days to get to know her even a little bit?

How do you define contact? We've only had verbal contact on two occassions (I don't even know her name yet!) so maybe I need to stay on third base for more time before making the home run?

I'm more of a Dirac then an Einstein. Extremely reserved and impersonal but fundalmentally a good guy. Probably a trait more common in mathematicians.

 

[cristo]

Probably a trait more common in mathematicians.

Please, if you learn nothing else from this forum, at least take away the point that these stereotypes that you seem to agree with are simply not true. As others have said before, and I will reiterate-- physicists and mathematicians (I suppose I'm a cross between the two) are not all shy, introverted people with few friends and a lack of social skills. We are normal people!

 

[theoritician]

Please, if you learn nothing else from this forum, at least take away the point that these stereotypes that you seem to agree with are simply not true. As others have said before, and I will reiterate-- physicists and mathematicians (I suppose I'm a cross between the two) are not all shy, introverted people with few friends and a lack of social skills. We are normal people!

Ok. Point taken. I like to see myself as a normal person as well but we all have our delusiosn and fantasies.

 

[rewebster]

A feel like I can really learn something from this thread, being an extreme introvert myself!

What's up?

 

[EnumaElish]

I don't even know her name yet!

Why don't you ask her?

 

[rewebster]

Why don't you ask her?

Or, better yet, tell her your name---you'll find out a lot on how she answers.

 

[kaisxuans]

Or, better yet, tell her your name---you'll find out a lot on how she answers.

and ask her for her phone number while your at it!:rofl:

 

[Moonbear]

Or, better yet, tell her your name---you'll find out a lot on how she answers.

Yep, that's the easiest way to initiate an introduction, "Hi, it seems we keep running into each other this way...my name is..." Most normal people will respond by telling you their name too. Then you can give some cheesy response like, "Oh, that's a really pretty name, it suits you." If she rolls her eyes and gets annoyed at the cheesy line, she's not that interested; if she kind of blushes or giggles, then she probably is interested and you can then ask her to do something together.

I didn't realize we needed to start handing out user's manuals for women to so many of our members here. I think we'll need a long section on troubleshooting. :tongue:

 

[kaisxuans]

Yep, that's the easiest way to initiate an introduction, "Hi, it seems we keep running into each other this way...my name is..." Most normal people will respond by telling you their name too. Then you can give some cheesy response like, "Oh, that's a really pretty name, it suits you." If she rolls her eyes and gets annoyed at the cheesy line, she's not that interested; if she kind of blushes or giggles, then she probably is interested and you can then ask her to do something together.

I didn't realize we needed to start handing out user's manuals for women to so many of our members here. I think we'll need a long section on troubleshooting. :tongue:

Haha, it is logical though. but to see weather she really likes you ,u have to see it in the long term

 

[JasonRox]

Yep, that's the easiest way to initiate an introduction, "Hi, it seems we keep running into each other this way...my name is..." Most normal people will respond by telling you their name too. Then you can give some cheesy response like, "Oh, that's a really pretty name, it suits you." If she rolls her eyes and gets annoyed at the cheesy line, she's not that interested; if she kind of blushes or giggles, then she probably is interested and you can then ask her to do something together.

I didn't realize we needed to start handing out user's manuals for women to so many of our members here. I think we'll need a long section on troubleshooting. :tongue:

No, I wouldn't use that cheesy line. I don't want to explain, but I wouldn't use it.

 

[Moonbear]

No, I wouldn't use that cheesy line. I don't want to explain, but I wouldn't use it.

It still works, you know. It would be better for him to continue with more spontaneous conversation, but given his state of anxiety about this, I don't think spontaneous is going to work.

 

[Far Star]

It might be helpful to ask someone if they know her name. If you find out the next time you see her you can say "You name is..., right?" If anything she'll take an interest in how you know her name, or be flattered you took the time to find out. Well, maybe not if she's a closet paranoid, but her response will give you a clue.

Edit to add:...will give you a clue either way.

 

[zoobyshoe]

I didn't realize we needed to start handing out user's manuals for women to so many of our members here.

There is no users manual for women yet: Chaos Theory is still in it's infancy.

 

[rewebster]

How do you define contact? We've only had verbal contact on two occassions (I don't even know her name yet!) so maybe I need to stay on third base for more time before making the home run?

I'm more of a Dirac then an Einstein. Extremely reserved and impersonal but fundalmentally a good guy. Probably a trait more common in mathematicians.

First of all, I didn't mean to even imply that you can make an equation out of all of this. --'if you do this and then this---and then this--it will work'---that type of thinking doesn't work in starting a relationship or in a relationship.

It goes by more 'Probability and Chance'. When I saw you venture off and post on another thread, my first thought was that YOU are getting out of that little bubble that you THINK you are in---'external thinking'----(you're really not in a little bubble). It showed that you CAN be adventurous (to whatever degree that can be called adventurous).

You don't know anything about this woman (or she about you). She could be married, does not wear (or never has worn) a wedding ring, and could just be looking for some secret 'lab work' on the side. In other words, until you find out just a little more about her, you could have been and may be spinning your wheels 'over her' over nothing.

She could be even more of an introvert (perfect match up, maybe) than you, and she could be on another forum pouring her heart out about 'the guy that won't talk to me because he may think there's something wrong with me'. She could be chewing her fingers down to the first knuckle worried about 'what she could say'.

Just go in thinking that you do have all the 'knowledge' you need at this point in time ---it's like school---you actually never stop learning.

 

[theoritician]

Yep, that's the easiest way to initiate an introduction, "Hi, it seems we keep running into each other this way...my name is..." Most normal people will respond by telling you their name too. Then you can give some cheesy response like, "Oh, that's a really pretty name, it suits you." If she rolls her eyes and gets annoyed at the cheesy line, she's not that interested; if she kind of blushes or giggles, then she probably is interested and you can then ask her to do something together.

She kind of blushed when I waved (would that be included as contact?) to her the other day .

 

[theoritician]

she could be on another forum

She likes physics as well which makes me wonder if she is actually on this forum!

If you are please pm me or tell me. There would be some serious information asymmetry if you are.

 

[rewebster]

If you are please pm me or tell me.

I really hope that's your sense of humor coming through.

 

[Moonbear]

She kind of blushed when I waved (would that be included as contact?) to her the other day .

That's a good sign. Blushing indicates attracted interest. If she didn't think about you one way or another, she'd have just waved back, maybe looked a bit confused about why you waved wondering if you meant someone else, and there would have been no blushing type response. It may very well mean she's simply equally shy, but very interested, and waiting for you to make the first move.

 

[Evo]

She kind of blushed when I waved (would that be included as contact?) to her the other day .

Did she wave back? If she didn't wave back, the "blush" could be annoyance.

I thought it was decided about 150 posts ago that you should stop obsessing over this girl?

 

[EnumaElish]

She kind of blushed when I waved (would that be included as contact?) to her the other day .

That was contact: you were aware of her, she was aware of you, you were aware that she was aware, she was aware that you were aware, you were aware that she was aware that you were aware,... ad infinitum.

I think she was interested, but she may also have been annoyed because she had been expecting a more formal contact from you (e.g. "er, hello, my name is... What is your name?" or "Hi, I brought this cup of tea for you.")

 

[EnumaElish]

Evo--

This is off the thread, but... Why do I see "0" posts for theoritician?

 

[rewebster]

Evo--

This is off the thread, but... Why do I see "0" posts for theoritician?

maybe when he asks her out for coffee (or tea), he'll get "1".

 

[Evo]

Evo--

This is off the thread, but... Why do I see "0" posts for theoritician?

Posts in General Discussion don't count.

 

[theoritician]

Did she wave back? If she didn't wave back, the "blush" could be annoyance.

I thought it was decided about 150 posts ago that you should stop obsessing over this girl?

Not only did she wave back but also smiling.

I did thought it was all over but she continued doing what I wrote in post 1 even when no one was asking any questions.

 

[Evo]

Not only did she wave back but also smiling.

I did thought it was all over but she continued doing what I wrote in post 1 even when no one was asking any questions.

Ah, we'll that's different!

 

[EnumaElish]

She waved back?! Smiling?! And you interpret this as "it was all over"?!

I'll tell you when it will be all over: it will be over if you mess it up. "Yessir," real fast, too.

 

[zoobyshoe]

Not only did she wave back but also smiling.

I did thought it was all over but she continued doing what I wrote in post 1 even when no one was asking any questions.

I'm going to guess that what got her attention in the first place is not the questions you ask the professor but the way you listen to the answers. This is all she knows of you: how you act in class. What could you possibly be demonstrating in that setting that might interest her? I am betting she likes the way you attend to the professor and wishes for someone who would attend to her the same way.

She obviously likes you, but only as much as she knows you. She doesn't know yet if you will attend to her with the same sensitivity you listen to the professor. You have to introduce yourself and demonstrate that you will. Say to her "We're obviously taking the same class. I'm ------ -------."And give your full name, first and last. Then shake her hand in a friendly way, as you would meeting any classmate. She will tell you her name. Then you can ask some light, chatty questions, about how she's finding the class, about her major, about the weather, it doesn't matter in particular. The information she is most interested in finding out at this point is whether or not you are a sensitive listener with people as you are with academic matters. Whatever questions you happen to ask, the important thing is for her to know that you're actually listening to the answers.

If she is shy, then the thing she wants most is someone to open up to. So, your goal at this point is to show her you are paying attention even to whatever light, mundane things she may say in response. You want to be the opposite of the guys who talk girl ears off with tales of their accomplishments, and don't let the girls get a word in edgewise. Introverts are most concerned with figuring out how they, themselves, feel about various things, and are given to introspection to do that. Having figured that out, they are next concerned with having someone to share that with, someone who'll listen to their take on things, and, at least, understand it, if not agree with it. I suggest you pursue this tack with her: assume that she likes something about the way you listen and see what happens when you lavish those listening skills directly on her.

 

[theoritician]

I really hope that's your sense of humor coming through.

Why do you think I can't be serious with this statement?

 

[theoritician]

maybe when he asks her out for coffee (or tea), he'll get "1".

You've hit the nail on the head. Spending my time here hasn't got me anywhere with her although I have learned many things in this thread.

 

[theoritician]

She waved back?! Smiling?! And you interpret this as "it was all over"?!

I'll tell you when it will be all over: it will be over if you mess it up. "Yessir," real fast, too.

No, that's not it. My initial conversation with her didn't go too well that's all. I was too much of a pessimist and it's all good now.

 

[qspeechc]

I'm going to guess that what got her attention in the first place is not the questions you ask the professor but the way you listen to the answers. This is all she knows of you: how you act in class. What could you possibly be demonstrating in that setting that might interest her? I am betting she likes the way you attend to the professor and wishes for someone who would attend to her the same way.

That doesn't explain how she would come to start listening to his questions, which would require her first staying to hear the question, and then only waiting to see how he listens, which does not at all explain why she stayed to hear him ask the question.