So a long time ago, nearly a year now I believe? I made a post about how distant I felt from the world or something to that extent? I don't remember exactly since it has been so long. My life took a lot of major turns in the months that followed. Firstly, I realized, I am not a physicist nor will I be one. My interest was in the questions and answers but not in the method in which they are found. I found myself becoming increasingly interested in my math courses and at this point, that is what I want to pursue. I love the process of trying to prove something. I don't care about the questions or answers as much. It doesn't seem to matter though, I finish a proof and look back at it and smile, regardless of what I think about how important or "useful" the theorem is. I began to really really become close with someone during this time. She became my closest friend for months. We would cheer each other up since none of our romantic relationships worked but at least we had each other to help pick us back up. One night, she has tickets to the Nashville Symphony. She sent me a text asking if I wanted to go, I was all for it. It was a great night, one of my favorite nights of my entire life. Later that night when sitting in her car in a parking lot on campus, we ended up kissing. This was a critical moment in both of our lives. We were dating for only two weeks when we both realized, this is something special to both of us. Things were great for months. A little hiccup in about July, but after that everything seemed to be back together the way it was. She actually graduated this past year, and got a job offer.... In South Korea. This was tough time for me, but I knew before we ever kissed that this was in the future so I took it in stride. It was tough, my best friend and my girlfriend (same person) was miles away as I began the single toughest semester I will have as an undergraduate. I was under a lot of stress but kept pressing forward. This is were I went back to my old self in the way I reacted to a situation. I had done much more poorly than I would have liked to on a test that I put in a lot of time and effort. I was devastated. She told me that I needed to talk with the professor so that I learn that material before we started moving on. I exploded and said something to the extent of "Why? So I can just fail again? Why do you keep having faith in someone who keeps failing to live up to his potential? You would be better off without me." For the next two weeks, every conversation was extremely tense. Finally, she called me one day and said that we should both move on. I was hurt but basically ignored the pain of it all so that I could focus on a test that I really needed to do well on that week. I muscled through the week and then when the weekend hit, I broke down completely. Before I continue, I must mention that she had asked me to quit drinking and using recreational drugs. I care about her more than those things, it was an easy decision. However, after she had pulled the plug on us, I couldn't stop myself. I drank the entire weekend. It is all a haze and is mostly pieced together by me reading through my sent and received messages. One of those nights, I had messaged her. Messages saying I need you and I don't know how to live without you and I'm throwing up blood (which is unlikely, more likely explanation is that I had drank a red colored beverage that night). She tells me that I need to call 911, I don't, I say something like "I'd rather be dead anyway." I find out the next morning that she called the cops and reported me as a suicide risk. They showed up at my dads house, which I do not live at, and asked him if I was there. We don't speak for a little while, I try to message her to apologize, nothing, message her about a week later asking if she would like to talk again sometime soon. She explodes on me telling me that I am emotionally abusive, manipulating, and she can't trust me anymore and she wants her space. I grant, well, I did. On thanksgiving day, I messaged her saying happy thanksgiving. She then blocks me on facebook, skype, probably other sites that I don't really even check anymore. A long night of discussions with friends and stuff reveals that she is unsure that she will ever want to talk to me again. That night ultimately ended in me in a hospital as a suicide risk. I had completely lost it due to misleading statements and honestly, overreacting without anything concrete. So I called her to get some things cleared up, she was at work so I would have to wait, not my biggest strength. She calls me about 8:30 in the morning, I am still in the hospital and haven't slept. We talk for a little while with her extremely pissed at me for being selfish by not giving her the space she requested (fair enough, I deserved it). She at one point says though "I'm very upset right now, I'm not thinking clearly." I also had a friend explain the manipulative comment, this is how it was explained. Since I had drank when we were no longer together, I was being manipulative by not drinking when we were together..... I really don't have words to describe how I feel about that but I am guessing you get the picture. Now this is where it has gotten, one of my friends is refusing to talk to me until I start getting medicated because she (not the girlfriend, actually close friend who introduced us) cannot handle my depression. The rest of my friends are all extremely busy at this time. I am completely alone, and starting to feel disconnected from even myself at this point. It has felt like lately I am watching a movie of some character's life that I don't really care about what happens. I am falling behind because honestly, I can't keep my head on a problem very long without becoming completely disinterested and just looking at the page thinking of something else. I don't know what to do, I don't know where to go, I don't know if this can be fixed, I don't know if me and her will even be friends ever again. I hate to have another post in this thread with me talking about how messed up I am but I don't know where else to go. I'm hoping someone in here can maybe help despite me being very vague at certain parts. One other note, I was seeing a therapist but kept missing appointments because I am very forgetful of anything not directly related to class. I do not want to do antidepressants or mood stabilizers, I have an unreal fear of the damage they could have on my cognitive ability. If I end up deciding to give them a chance, it will be after the semester, I do not need another something to happen in my life. I need help. Any advice is appreciated, something that I could do now would be great, sitting around looking at the wall isn't very fulfilling.