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Where I am now.

  1. Nov 27, 2011 #1
    So a long time ago, nearly a year now I believe? I made a post about how distant I felt from the world or something to that extent? I don't remember exactly since it has been so long. My life took a lot of major turns in the months that followed. Firstly, I realized, I am not a physicist nor will I be one. My interest was in the questions and answers but not in the method in which they are found. I found myself becoming increasingly interested in my math courses and at this point, that is what I want to pursue. I love the process of trying to prove something. I don't care about the questions or answers as much. It doesn't seem to matter though, I finish a proof and look back at it and smile, regardless of what I think about how important or "useful" the theorem is.

    I began to really really become close with someone during this time. She became my closest friend for months. We would cheer each other up since none of our romantic relationships worked but at least we had each other to help pick us back up. One night, she has tickets to the Nashville Symphony. She sent me a text asking if I wanted to go, I was all for it. It was a great night, one of my favorite nights of my entire life. Later that night when sitting in her car in a parking lot on campus, we ended up kissing. This was a critical moment in both of our lives.

    We were dating for only two weeks when we both realized, this is something special to both of us. Things were great for months. A little hiccup in about July, but after that everything seemed to be back together the way it was. She actually graduated this past year, and got a job offer.... In South Korea. This was tough time for me, but I knew before we ever kissed that this was in the future so I took it in stride. It was tough, my best friend and my girlfriend (same person) was miles away as I began the single toughest semester I will have as an undergraduate. I was under a lot of stress but kept pressing forward.

    This is were I went back to my old self in the way I reacted to a situation. I had done much more poorly than I would have liked to on a test that I put in a lot of time and effort. I was devastated. She told me that I needed to talk with the professor so that I learn that material before we started moving on. I exploded and said something to the extent of "Why? So I can just fail again? Why do you keep having faith in someone who keeps failing to live up to his potential? You would be better off without me." For the next two weeks, every conversation was extremely tense. Finally, she called me one day and said that we should both move on. I was hurt but basically ignored the pain of it all so that I could focus on a test that I really needed to do well on that week. I muscled through the week and then when the weekend hit, I broke down completely.

    Before I continue, I must mention that she had asked me to quit drinking and using recreational drugs. I care about her more than those things, it was an easy decision.

    However, after she had pulled the plug on us, I couldn't stop myself. I drank the entire weekend. It is all a haze and is mostly pieced together by me reading through my sent and received messages. One of those nights, I had messaged her. Messages saying I need you and I don't know how to live without you and I'm throwing up blood (which is unlikely, more likely explanation is that I had drank a red colored beverage that night). She tells me that I need to call 911, I don't, I say something like "I'd rather be dead anyway." I find out the next morning that she called the cops and reported me as a suicide risk. They showed up at my dads house, which I do not live at, and asked him if I was there.

    We don't speak for a little while, I try to message her to apologize, nothing, message her about a week later asking if she would like to talk again sometime soon. She explodes on me telling me that I am emotionally abusive, manipulating, and she can't trust me anymore and she wants her space. I grant, well, I did. On thanksgiving day, I messaged her saying happy thanksgiving. She then blocks me on facebook, skype, probably other sites that I don't really even check anymore. A long night of discussions with friends and stuff reveals that she is unsure that she will ever want to talk to me again. That night ultimately ended in me in a hospital as a suicide risk. I had completely lost it due to misleading statements and honestly, overreacting without anything concrete. So I called her to get some things cleared up, she was at work so I would have to wait, not my biggest strength. She calls me about 8:30 in the morning, I am still in the hospital and haven't slept. We talk for a little while with her extremely pissed at me for being selfish by not giving her the space she requested (fair enough, I deserved it). She at one point says though "I'm very upset right now, I'm not thinking clearly." I also had a friend explain the manipulative comment, this is how it was explained. Since I had drank when we were no longer together, I was being manipulative by not drinking when we were together..... I really don't have words to describe how I feel about that but I am guessing you get the picture.

    Now this is where it has gotten, one of my friends is refusing to talk to me until I start getting medicated because she (not the girlfriend, actually close friend who introduced us) cannot handle my depression. The rest of my friends are all extremely busy at this time. I am completely alone, and starting to feel disconnected from even myself at this point. It has felt like lately I am watching a movie of some character's life that I don't really care about what happens. I am falling behind because honestly, I can't keep my head on a problem very long without becoming completely disinterested and just looking at the page thinking of something else. I don't know what to do, I don't know where to go, I don't know if this can be fixed, I don't know if me and her will even be friends ever again. I hate to have another post in this thread with me talking about how messed up I am but I don't know where else to go. I'm hoping someone in here can maybe help despite me being very vague at certain parts. One other note, I was seeing a therapist but kept missing appointments because I am very forgetful of anything not directly related to class. I do not want to do antidepressants or mood stabilizers, I have an unreal fear of the damage they could have on my cognitive ability. If I end up deciding to give them a chance, it will be after the semester, I do not need another something to happen in my life. I need help. Any advice is appreciated, something that I could do now would be great, sitting around looking at the wall isn't very fulfilling.
  2. jcsd
  3. Nov 27, 2011 #2


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    I really think you should put "getting healthy" as your top priority. Yes, even above school. I advise you to go again to the therapist - they know stuff, they can help you get things sorted out.
  4. Nov 27, 2011 #3
    I am going to be seeing my therapist again soon, I liked him and it was honestly helping, or at least whenever I made it to our appointments. I am going to go by that office tomorrow as a matter of fact.
  5. Nov 27, 2011 #4
    Is there anything else I can do, I'm trying to avoid just drinking myself to sleep tonight to be honest.
  6. Nov 27, 2011 #5


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    Puzzles sometimes help me to not think about stuff. Or math problems.
  7. Nov 27, 2011 #6
    That is hard for me, I just get frustrated because I start to notice my cognitive ability has declined due to emotional stress. I may try some sudoku in a few minutes though. I can't look at any actual homework right now. I've finished the easy parts to all my homework, the last bits will require focus beyond what I can produce right now.
  8. Nov 29, 2011 #7
    So I must ask the question, do you think if I can get myself back to good place emotionally, would there be a chance for her to take me back? From the little bit of information I have provided here, do you guys think it is possible or have I done too much damage?
  9. Nov 29, 2011 #8
    Nobody knows. I don't think that you should expect to come back together in the short term. Too much has happened and it needs to rest first. Furthermore, it is essential that you fix yourself first. If you get back together again, then the same things will happen. Go see a therapist and work things out. Only when you're stable again (and this could take a looooong time), should you think of a relationship again.

    Maybe you could play a computer game right now?? It's a nice way to put your mind off things.

    Remember: go see a therapist and fix yourself. School and relationship come in second!
  10. Dec 6, 2011 #9
    So, this is where things have been since then, first I managed to get to a calm enough state to send and email saying if you don't want me in your life let me know where to send your stuff (though it was said in a much more respectful and kind way than that sounds). She responded saying she does want to be friends again one day but she just wants time to heal and she is afraid of repeating past patterns since she wants to be loved right now and she will cling to any kind that presents itself. She said she needs a platonic type of love and says I can't provide that so until she feels like she isn't hurting too much, too angry, and she feels like she won't end up back in a relationship, we won't be speaking much. A few days later I decide I'm really going to quit smoking this time. No more cigarettes. I was very on edge during the first day alone and was struggling while I worked on homework. I got frustrated and was going to go for a walk. As soon as I stepped outside and closed the door I realized my keys were still inside. In a moment of sheer frustration I took my right hand and went lower palm first right into the window on the door to my apartment. The glass shatters and I feel cuts in my fingers. I roll up my sleeves on my hoodie to avoid getting blood on them and then I see the inside of my wrist in all of its glory. My roommate pops off the couch at the sight of the glass shattering and goes to see if I'm alright and then I saw my arm and yell for him to get a towel. I was extremely terrified at this point, I don't know too much about biology things but I do know that there is an artery in the wrist that if it gets cut, chances of life go down drastically. So I am terrified at this point, yes in hindsight it wasn't gushing blood but at the time my mind wasn't thinking about details of my injury, it was thinking about how do I not die here. So I get to the hospital and have a lovely time there getting cleaned up and stitches in my arm. I now have two torn tendons in my wrist as well as nerve damage in my thumb and wrist. I must say, I do not think that the next few days will be as bad as that first day off of cigarettes. I have surgery scheduled for Thursday, but this is not the week for all this to happen. I am having to take pain killers to be able to even stomach using a pen or pencil and by the time I have enough of it in my system to do homework, I am no longer at my peak mental ability. So now I am not getting much done and it is the last week of school and then next week is finals. I am not pleased about all of this, I know it is my own actions that have caused it but this is not a fun place to be.
  11. Dec 6, 2011 #10
    Thanks once again for the advice that has already been given, even if I appear stubborn and unwilling to listen on here, I will usually let the thought sit before I take someone else's advice. I usually later end up with the thought, oh.... they were right... Opps.
  12. Dec 6, 2011 #11
    Sorry man its been so hard.

    If this advice doesnt apply, so be it.

    I moved to go to university in the beginning of sept. Within the first month, I had been arrested twice (first times being arrested), the first time requiring me to stay in jail for a couple nights. In jail I had some pretty nasty thoughts, mostly about not wanting to live through this and deal with what will come. To say the next month was stressful is an understatement. However, I met some people while going through this situation who showed me that while it may suck, it sucks a lot less than most people's lives.

    Sometimes life will slap you in the face. The second time I was arrested was for a dui, and I had to stay for 9 hours in the drunk tank (1am-10am) getting little sleep. I had planned the next day to drive to Berkeley to hang out with friends and go to a concert, but after the dui I really didnt feel like going... I came ][ that close to not going, but in the end just said screw it and made the drive. I cannot tell you how much being around close friends helped me feel better about my situation. One of my friends was telling me about how we shouldnt look at our situation and be pissed off, ashamed, etc, but one should look at it as an opportunity to create a stronger self.

    Sorry for the essay... Keep doing therapy - it helped me so much in becoming a more confident, outgoing, honest, and everything in between. It took a while, almost a year and a half, and I am working on myself every day, but its the little bit every day. Take risks, be confident, take pride in what you do.

    Hope I can help. If you really need to talk it out feel free to pm me.
  13. Dec 6, 2011 #12


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    I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time, Dougggggg. Remember, you're just in a bad spot right now...it will pass, and things will get better.

    khemist is right - the tough times are when we grow and really form ourselves. Hang in there!
  14. Dec 6, 2011 #13


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    Hang in there, time will help, trust me on this.
  15. Dec 9, 2011 #14
    I had a long thank you response written out with a lot more details but the internet deleted it when I tried to post it. That is frustrating. Can't type anymore, arm is hurting.
  16. Dec 15, 2011 #15
    This is from a family member.

    Many years ago I went through something quite similar. A long term relationship ended and the person I was engaged to married someone else. I felt like I had been eviscerated. I flunked out one semester and moved back home, went back to college, didn't do great but managed to get acceptable grades.

    During the time of greatest pain I was lucky to have a sister and some friends to hang out with because they helped so much. I also used to drive over to KMart and just walk the aisles late at night because the light helped reduce my depression. I checked out humorous books from the library and only watched funny movies.

    You have to baby yourself during times like this, avoid any stressful situations that you can, sad books and movies, depressed friends. Stick with the ones who make you laugh. Be kind to yourself.

    To make a long story short, within six months I met the person I would spend the next millennium with, that I'm madly in love with still and had I met the person first, I wouldn't have looked at the one who broke my heart.

    When you reach the point where you no long NEED another person for your happiness and you are no longer looking for one because you are a complete person on your own, the right one just shows up.

    Yes it does get better. Leave your girlfriend alone to make peace with herself. If you two are really right for each other, when you are both complete persons within yourself, you'll find a way. She'll have to make the first move though. You have to let someone go completely, and you may or may not find them again, but you will find someone when you no longer NEED someone but want someone in your life to share all the wonders you'll experience.

    Remember, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You can't undo it and it rips a big hole in so many lives. Is this what you really want to do to the people who care about you?
  17. Dec 19, 2011 #16
    I didn't want to do that. I feel like if I later have a positive impact on even a single persons life; I could have thrown that away completely. That is the reason I called, the thought was becoming too real.

    Here is where everything has gotten to now. Me and my ex had a two hour discussion where I finally at least got something I needed to have done for any sort of peace to occur. I got to actually give her the apology that I owed her and got to see what has really happened. She says that she just can't trust anyone anymore because of the way I handled the breakup (used the straw that broke the camel's back metaphor). Everyone is just going to let her down etc. She still has issues with even trusting her parents all these years later. I asked her for the chance to work on rebuilding trust (note that this is partially due to spiritual reasons, it is part of my belief that God wants us to to be truly reconciled with other followers). As we were hanging up, she didn't want me to contact her again, and she didn't have any intentions of contacting me again. At that point I knew what I must do. I sent an email saying goodbye, offered her some reading I had found on reconciling relationships and even said separate me from that entirely. I want her to go on and be happy. She is slowly shutting the world out from her. I also said that yea, people are going to hurt the people they care about. It happens, we are human. However, we can learn to forgive and we can work to rebuild lost trust. Told her that I will probably be hurting for a couple of weeks but I will move on. Told her I am taking her advice on something that I need to do. I said that I hope she continues to be so driven and so faithful to God in her life (again, sorry for the religious content). I said if you are going to contact me again then it needs to be for only offering forgiveness that has not been granted, saying you want to rebuild trust, or you want my help (I still care, I can't help it). Otherwise, I can't handle hearing from you again. It would be torture in trying to move on. The last paragraph in the email was deeply personal and only makes any sense because of past discussions and things in our relationship. I told her that I hold no ill will and I hope she can heal in time. I just want her to be happy. Then said "Goodbye, I love you Anne."

    Those are the last words I will ever communicate with her. Right after I sent that, I almost felt like I was at the acceptance stage of the 5 stages of grief. However, later on I was just playing a video game to relax and as per doctors orders post surgery to strengthen recovered parts to my arm. Then all of a sudden I felt like something grabbed me in the stomach. Oh no, I am never going to talk to her again. I felt like I had went into a sort of mental and emotional shock. She was my best friend for years. I thought that this was something I could always count on. Later on I felt denial, she will contact me back one day. Maybe months or years from now. As soon as she learns to forgive and allow others the chance to rebuild trust. Then fell into a depression that was only made worse by my beloved Broncos making enough mental mistakes to blow a game and just rub some salt on the wound. This entire night I have shuffled between the stages with no pattern or anything to it and a rotation of numbness entering in every so often as well. I know I have now done what I needed to do to get all the closure and everything so I feel like I can do nothing productive to help myself heal. I know also time is important. Basically does anyone know some practical steps for getting through this part?

    Edit: One thing I did not mention was that she used to stay over at my house all the time. Which is now a problem whenever I'm back at home from school. I have such vivid memories with her everywhere in that house. I can't escape her memory. Almost half the stuff I have in my apartment was stuff that I had pathetic versions of but she got me nicer ones or just got it for me period. It would be a lot of money to invest in getting all new stuff. Not to mention same group of mutual friends, same places on the campus at school, one of my good friends now lives in the apartment that was hers when she was still her and I had to tell my friend I can't go over there and I'm sorry. For crying out loud my academic adviser for my minor is the same one she had (well, there is only one adviser for it so it isn't exactly shocking).
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2011
  18. Dec 19, 2011 #17
    I mentioned several things but will repeat because they DO HELP
    Go to FUNNY MOVIES and check out humorous books. AVOID sad stuff
    You will get used to your place and be able to go to the friends place so just ask your friend to be patient - you'll get over it - and you will.

    45 minutes of HARD PHYSICAL EXERCISE PER DAY. If you aren't physcially capable, build up to it - at least WALK or CYCLE or scrub your floors.

    Join groups with a common interest whether it be art, hiking, stamp collecting, whatever, just pick some and go. Check the internet and your local paper.

    Get OUT OF THE HOUSE and go to Walmart if nowhere else. Walk the aisles. And PRETEND you are over it when you are around friends. Noone wants to hang out with somone who's moping so BE A GOOD ACTOR.

    And when you can't go out, find some forums on really interesting things you've never done. There are treasure hunter forums, foodie forums, and so on.

    And EAT DECENT FOOD. You might avoid caffeine and particularly alcohol and stay off the cigarettes. MOST PEOPLE don't smoke so you are cutting your possible friends and new loves hugely. Get the patches - they do work. Go to a gym and work out when you have a craving.

    For sleep - play solitaire, take 2 or 3 benedryl if you aren't allergic to it (ask your doctor), avoid caffeine for at least 4 hours before bed, avoid heavy exercise for at least 4 hours. I used to read Francis Chichester's books like Flight of the Gypsy moth and his books on his around the world trips on a sailing boat about an hour before bedtime. They are nonfiction, well written and they are really great for putting you to sleep - think wind in the sails, gentle creaking, calm seas - yawn

    It DOES PASS!! YOU have to be a complete person before you can ever find a true life partner so GET YOURSELF WELL PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY!

    Good LUCK!
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2011
  19. Dec 19, 2011 #18
    Thank you, some of that advice is really really practical. I have been smoking again here and there. I think the big thing that was preventing me from wanting to quit for so long was I didn't want to do it for me. I now have a motivating factor of proving to myself that I can make changes in my life. I don't have to be the same person I have been for all these years. Right now, simply I don't want withdraws while still trying to move past all of this pain. I've gotten better at the sleeping thing, mostly due to exhaustion emotionally and mentally from everything that has happened. I am not really one that enjoys exercising a whole lot because it never sticks whenever school is getting tough. I have actually always had an appreciation for movies or music that has sad themes in it. I find a lot of times that emotion creates amazing art. I will work on avoiding it though, I'm also a big stand up comedy fan. I haven't had an alcoholic beverage since my arm injury. I struggle with hobbies which sounds strange I know, but I always want to preform my best at anything I do and it almost defeats the purpose of trying to relax. This time of year is hard for finding friends to go out with. They are all with their families for the holidays. The friend who has been stepping up for me the most has been one that has basically had his whole family stripped from him through deaths and jail sentences. I am about to start studying and working really hard for school though now that my arm is getting better. Due to the inability to write after my surgery, the last few weeks of school I was useless. My professors have all granted me an incomplete for the semester, when I get back I have to turn in all my assignments as quickly as possible and then take finals. I have up to 7 weeks from the start of term but I will also have a new semester starting that I would like to not fall behind in. Thank you for the advice, I will start trying to implement many of those things into my life one by one. I actually really like the pretend you are over it, I feel like even trying to pretend I'm okay will make me feel better itself. Thank you all for the tips and advice. Also, thank you all for not saying something that I hear all the time. The whole think about all the annoying things about your ex or all the arguments and what not. When trying to fight hurt with anger it is a little like fighting fire with fire. I think it is relevant to note that firemen use water. Sorry about all the length and non organization of this whole post. I was just sorta responding to something then looking back at your post. Then remembering something I wanted to say lol.
  20. Dec 19, 2011 #19
    Remember there are a lot of software programs that will turn spoken speech into text on the computer. Your university should have a handicapped help person on the staff and they should be able to advise you on that. Deaf people especially use this sort of software and it's a lot better now. Check on it in case your hand is hurting and you need to do some work that requires writing. It should speed up your ability to get caught up. If Stephen Hawking can communicate, you certainly can do so without always having to use your hand.

    Regarding exercise - just WALK. It's free and it really helps.
  21. Dec 19, 2011 #20
    Well it was just a temporary thing so I didn't want to have to go through all of that mess at the time when I still sorta felt like hell from the whole surgery experience. I am already regaining the ability to write again fairly decently (my handwriting is awful to begin with so really only I can tell the subtle differences). By the time school starts back I will be fine. As for walking, I actually do walk, I just never really consider it exercise. I usually just go for walks whenever I need to take a break from some present stress. I will take a walk to regain composure and separate myself from my stress a bit. When I normally think of exercise, I think of building muscle. I can usually get back to near my high school level of conditioning in a couple of weeks easy and I don't really get much joy out of it. In fact, soon as my arm is well enough I will probably try to play intramural basketball again this year. First couple games I will be winded and be asking for subs quickly, by mid season I will be fine to go full speed for all 40 minutes. I guess I was thinking way too narrowly about what exercise entails. Part of me does wanna start working out and get muscular but I never can stick with it. One day I will regret it whenever all those years I could have been putting on muscle are behind and it then seems impossible to see the slightest gains.
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