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Who pays?

  1. Aug 2, 2009 #1
    Alright, age old question with some extra: who pays on dates?

    I don't just mean who picks up the check at the restaurant, but a more general sense of any expense. For example, who pays when we're just ordering some coffee at Starbucks? Who pays at an amusement park? Who pays for movie tickets? Who pays for casual take-out food?

    Let's take the Starbucks example. If you're both standing in line and you order two cups of coffee for both of you and your date offers to pay you back, what should you say? Do you refuse or do you take the money? Would your date feel angry that she isn't being treated fairly? I'm just confused at the protocol that is supposed to take place in casual expenses, not necessarily formal dinner tabs.
  2. jcsd
  3. Aug 2, 2009 #2
    I'm a poor student, she can pay her own way.

    Not that any woman I've been on a date with has expected me to pay.
  4. Aug 2, 2009 #3
    I asked the waiter "Do you care who pays the check?" and he said no, so I said "OK, you pay it."
  5. Aug 2, 2009 #4
    In most instances the male is expected to pay for everything. Generally after you have gone out at least once or twice it becomes more likley that the female will feel a responsibility to help pay. There are though women who prefer to go dutch (meaning each pays for themself if you are unfamiliar with the term) and women who prefer to take turns paying. Some women may even look down on men who insist on paying but I think that they are relatively rare. There are also women though that look down on men who do not always pay and will even test you by offering to help pay to see what you will do. One particularly nasty little thing I have heard a couple women say they have done is that they will bring a friend along for coffee/drinks and see if their date pays for their friend's drink aswell, or at least offers.

    In the end what you really need to do is decide what type of woman you would prefer (one who wants to pay, doesn't mind paying sometimes, or who expects you will pay) and then just approach the situation from that angle. You may not want a woman who will get huffy if you insist on paying or one who will always expect you to pay for everything perhaps even for her friends too. Don't allow yourself to get trapped in either situation by just doing what ever is expected of you.
  6. Aug 2, 2009 #5


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    Who picked the date?

    Whoever planned it should pay - especially if your date is making around the same amount of money as you.
  7. Aug 2, 2009 #6
    If I take a girl out to dinner or something, I'll pay, unless she insists she wants to. I don't mind.
    But when she starts expecting me to pay every time, and not offering to pay herself, that's where I would start getting a little annoyed.
  8. Aug 2, 2009 #7
    Unless she can rip the check out of my kung-fu grip, I always pay.
  9. Aug 2, 2009 #8
    Ive never heard of a woman bringing a friend and expecting a guy to pay. I often feel uncomfortable when people want to pay for things for me. My boyfriend usually pays if we go out to dinner or whatever, but I always offer to pay for myself at the least, and sometimes he seems to be happy about it. I usually let him make the call. Sometimes as a student I have no money, and so he will ask me to go out with him and I will tell him I cant afford to. He will often say something along the lines of "dont worry about it, I got it". Even though I have warned him and we have been together for four years, I often feel bad when the bill comes along and I cant offer to contribute. I am not an extreme feminist, but Im a believer in equal rights. I think if a woman wants to be treated as an equal she should expect that treatment in all aspects of a relationship, not just when it suits her.
    I have a friend who Ive known since high school who pays for everything. Its really frustrating because even if I trick him and manage to pay for myself, he puts the money in my car or my pocket when Im not paying attention. It makes me feel uncomfortable because I like to spend time with him, but I find myself planning things so that he doesnt get the opportunity to buy me anything. His whole family is like that, and Ive sort of gotten use to it. I no longer argue with him about it, but I still wish he would let me contribute once in a while, especially since we are not involved romantically.
  10. Aug 2, 2009 #9
    You're not involved romantically with your boyfriend?

    Anyway, I think it's demeaning to women to not let them pay for anything. I feel it makes the implication that they are a poor helpless person with no money who needs to be taken care of. This isn't the 19th century, women make as much money as men do these days.

    When you're constantly paying things for your date, it's like you are buying them -- and then they may feel pressured to repay you in other ways. I don't want to buy my date, I want to have fun on an equal level.

    I'm not saying that you must always split, but I think there needs to be some give and take from both sides. It shows that you both care and are investing in the relationship, rather than the man constantly doting over his woman like she's some kind of goddess on a pedestal than needs to be showered in gifts so she won't run away.

    It's important to show that you care, but I'd rather do that in ways that are unexpected rather then wasting my efforts just to meet their expectations of entitlement.
  11. Aug 2, 2009 #10
    I think thats the idea. :devil:
  12. Aug 2, 2009 #11

    Ivan Seeking

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    I believe in equality and we have a lot of catching up to do, so the woman should always pay for everything.
  13. Aug 2, 2009 #12


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    Me too, for too long men have objectified women as sex-object.
    So I always insist that women treat me as a sex object!
  14. Aug 2, 2009 #13


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    It's a pretty dynamic question, really. In the last 20-30 years, media and new age communication has enabled social fads like sex identity and responsibility to become very diversified.

    Feminists will insist on buying your lunch for you (at the risk of asking you back to their apartment to test out their strap on)

    Old fashioned dames will expect you to take care of them and treat them right, which includes covering all expenses and being held accountable for all the safety and health decisions (even if you didn't make them.)

    Geeky girls will either be an ideologue who will have some eccentric reason why she insists on paying/splitting/or making the guy pay ("I'm old fashioned, teehehee!")... Or they'll be just be insecure and awkward about it, intellectualizing, in their head, over the OP's question, "who should pay".

    Hot, self-centered models will always expect the guy to pay just because she knows she can get what she wants from somebody... Even if she's richer than your lame salary scientist ***....

    Alaskan girls are tough and rugged and can deliver a good back hand when threatened with the prospects of stooping to letting a man pay for her meal. They also insist on chopping the wood, fetching the water, and building the igloos in the winter.
  15. Aug 2, 2009 #14
    Yes I am romantic with my boyfriend, I was referring to two different people, my boyfriend and an old high school buddy.
  16. Aug 2, 2009 #15


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    :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: I gotta remember this one.
  17. Aug 2, 2009 #16

    Ivan Seeking

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    I wish they all could be California, girls.

  18. Aug 2, 2009 #17
    However Im very happy they are not all David Lee Roths!
  19. Aug 2, 2009 #18
    For the first few dates I usually offer to pay. If she insists more than once to pay her share, then I let her. After a few dates it seems like we always end up paying half, with some exceptions of course.
  20. Aug 2, 2009 #19
    The correct behavior is for the male to insist that he pays before the date, reemphasize the point throughout the afternoon, and when it's time to pay, say somebody stole your wallet.
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