Why does dating seem so easy for other people but not me?

[TechieDork]

Been here on this floating rock for almost 20 years and still can't find a girlfriend.Every day in college I just wake up eat shower study eat shower and sleep.
When it comes to dating . I don't know why it seems so easy for other people. They just get in and out relationships so easily. I literally have zero idea about the realm of relationship and women,
Or I am just not good looking enough?

 

[TechieDork]

My parents often told me " don't be desperate, you are still way too young for a serious commitment. Focus on your career first"

 

[MikeeMiracle]

You are so young still, I didnt get a grilfriend until I was 35 because I was enjoying hassle free life. You saying you have no idea about women and relationships reminds me of myself at your age. Unfortunately your only going to learn by finding a girlfriend in the first place. Online dating is the way most people find their partners these days. I'm not talking tinder, but proper dating sites, you don't have to pay for all of them, there are free ones out there or ones which cost very little. There really is no way around this as far as I can see.

Forget the "I'm not good looking enough" rubbish, there is someone for everyone. At your age there are a lot of shalow people for whom looks and status seem to be the driving factors in relationships but these are the superficial traits which become less important as you get older when you need someone on your wavelength that you can get along with.

If your just desperate to get laid without the hassle...a little money will buy you that. Plus it gets you experience which will be useful when you do eventually meet someone you want to be with.

 

[OCR]

a little money will buy you that.

But. . . liquor is quicker. .

.

 

[Klystron]

Dating as a primary method to meet potential partners is, well, dated. Judging from my son and daughters', and now adult granddaughters' experiences, people go out and mingle in small groups. Even committed couples often 'date' within small groups. One granddaughter near your age meets friends after work where she often meets relatives of friends and their friends. Her younger cousin living with a boyfriend almost always includes relatives and friends in leisure activities.

For example at a recent birthday party at a new restaurant, my younger granddaughter arrived with her boyfriend and his sister while my daughter arrived with a current male friend from work who in turn asked a friend from school in town on business. Excellent meal and conversations. Parties, meals and meetings are a great way to meet new people without the social pressure of traditional one-on-one dating.

If your primary goal is finding sexual partners, along with the posts above consider group sports and gyms. I swim at my association pool every day in season and also visit a local gym for weight bearing and aerobic exercise. I regularly meet friendly people even at my age. Beaches are even better although the 'small group' idea applies. Yoga classes, massage and spas help you find partners.

Walking a pet or a relative's tyke can be a sure fire method to meet friendly strangers and break the ice. Group hikes are like speed dating without the expense of buying drinks. I never liked bars and have not tried online services but I know many happy people who have. If you think yourself unattractive or have low self esteem, try socializing with attractive people. The 'buddy system' for swimmers and divers also works for dating.

 

[Dr. Courtney]

There are considerable cultural and geographical variations on this one.

But I will observe that you miss every shot that you don't take. 0 for 20 on efforts asking a girl out is a different situation from 0 for 1 or 0 for 2.

Assuming you're at college somewhere, you may get some advice from folks who know the culture there.

Most of the students I mentor are STEM majors in the southeast United States. The current culture there suggests a few things work toward success:
1. Keep first dates comfortable - coffee dates are popular.
2. Ask in person rather than via text or other electronic media.
3. Ask people who know you for frank feedback regarding your appearance, demeanor, and approach.
4. Be clean, be nice, smile, smell good.
5. Picture in your mind either a "yes" or a "no" and your polite response in either case.
6. You'll never be sure of a "yes" so learn to ask even though the answer is uncertain.

 

[TechieDork]

I'm often get called ugly by my crush , friends , teacher and even my sister. They think I escaped from the Dr Frankenstein's lab or the death row.
Being a hardworking student , humble and polite are the only redeeming aspects about myself.

The worst part is I'm still believe that I'm ugly to the point that no one would desire me. Whenever girls hit on me I always think they do it for a prank and giggles.This makes me missed out many opportunities.

I always stay away from the realm of dating and girls. Whenever my friends bring the discussion on these topics this makes me feel so uneasy have to listening to them talking about how well they are doing with girls and how popular they are in the eyes of women.

Things like instagram , likes , selfies , queen bees , relationships or any BUZZ don't exist in my head. They are all alien concepts for me.

 

[Dr. Courtney]

I'm often get called ugly by my crush , friends , teacher and even my sister. They think I escaped from the Dr Frankenstein's lab or the death row.
Being a hardworking student , humble and polite are the remaining redeeming aspects about myself.

The worst part is I'm still believe that I'm ugly to the point that no one would desire me. Whenever girls hit on me I always think they do it for a prank and giggles.This makes me missed out many opportunities.

Fortunately, ladies tend to be less visually oriented than men. Have you even noticed that lots of average (or worse) looking guys date (and marry) very beautiful women?

Hardworking, humble, and polite go a long way. Somewhere in my junior year of college, I began getting the attention of many more very attractive ladies. I hadn't really changed much. I was still skinny, awkward, couldn't dance, and struggled with acne and thick eyeglasses. Yet, there I was - dating young ladies "way out of my league" as the saying goes. In hindsight, I realized that at some point as their nesting instincts kick in, many ladies shift from wanting to have a good time in their dating lives to begin thinking about someone to care for them. A physics geek with a good GPA and high aspirations was a lot more appealing to them than I was before this shift in their priorities.

At the same time, it doesn't hurt to manage the aspects of one's physical attractiveness as one is able. Don't dress like a slob, shower regularly, comb your hair, take steps to control acne, drop a few pounds if you are overweight, don't slouch, and smile. Everyone is more attractive when they smile. My sons have many of the same physical limitations that I had in college, but their mother and I took care in raising them to impart a sober confidence, so that they both have the bearing of a prince. They stand up straight, smile, look people in the eye, walk with confidence (but not too much swagger), and are well groomed and decently dressed. If a young lady is open at all to dating a geeky physics major (some simply aren't) then one of my sons is likely high on her list, in spite of inheriting their dad's lousy eyesight and thick geeky glasses.

 

[chemisttree]

I'm often get called ugly by my crush , friends , teacher and even my sister. They think I escaped from the Dr Frankenstein's lab or the death row.
Being a hardworking student , humble and polite are the only redeeming aspects about myself.

The worst part is I'm still believe that I'm ugly to the point that no one would desire me. Whenever girls hit on me I always think they do it for a prank and giggles.This makes me missed out many opportunities.

I always stay away from the realm of dating and girls. Whenever my friends bring the discussion on these topics this makes me feel so uneasy have to listening to them talking about how well they are doing with girls and how popular they are in the eyes of women.

Things like instagram , likes , selfies , queen bees , relationships or any BUZZ don't exist in my head. They are all alien concepts for me.

Hang out with your successful buddies. Watch. Learn. And remember that the girls your buddies are dating usually have friends that are at home without dates. Get to know your buddies dates when you can. Watch. Learn.

 

[MikeeMiracle]

Your being too hard on yourself and your friends are not helping either. I had issues just talking to girls, let alone trying to date any. They just seemed to be from a different planet.

Try forgetting about dating for now and just think friends with girls. That will take the pressure off you while you get used to just being friends and being around girls. Once you get comfortable being around them then you can start thinking about dating.

A good way of talking to girls with no pressure is just havng casual conversations with girls on social occasions, even just talking to your mates girlfriends when you are out socialising will get you comfortable. You will find those girls normally start asking if you have a girlfriend and will normally be willing to give you advise.

Stay away from Porn also until you are comfortable around girls. All porn is made for men, not women. A lot of it is the man being assertive and the woman just accepting whatever the man wants...this is not how it works in real life and being like this with a woman will get you a slapp and the girm calling you a creep.

 

[hutchphd]

I think your emphasis should be meeting new people, without regard to gender. On average a reasonable percentage of them will be female! You will never be in a better place for such encounters and every day is an opportunity. Start today.
And just be a genuine human being. It is remarkable but some subset of the people you meet will find you charming, warts and all...

 

[mathwonk]

Us tech geeks are at something of a disadvantage sometimes in relationships, it may help to learn something about poetry and art, to be able to discuss something other than quadratic equations. (my wife got really tired of listening to me go on about today's article in the nyt science times section on solving them.)

or maybe music is the key, we could ask lyle lovett. partly joking here, but not entirely.

... once i was present when a guy asked a girl how to get a girl to go out with him, and she suggested inviting the desired date to dinner. i would add one might learn what the girl is interested in and have something to say or ask about it before hand. I.e. taking an interest in other people and what they care about is basic in making friends, which is a preliminary to having dates.

 

[Dr. Courtney]

Us tech geeks are at something of a disadvantage sometimes in relationships, it may help to learn something about poetry and art, to be able to discuss something other than quadratic equations. (my wife got really tired of listening to me go on about today's article in the nyt science times section on solving them.)

or maybe music is the key, we could ask lyle lovett. partly joking here, but not entirely.

... once i was present when a guy asked a girl how to get a girl to go out with him, and she suggested inviting the desired date to dinner. i would add one might learn what the girl is interested in and have something to say or ask about it before hand. I.e. taking an interest in other people and what they care about is basic in making friends, which is a preliminary to having dates.

Some great points there. I studied 50-60 hours a week in college. But in my (limited) spare time, I pursued varied interests that tended to make me more appealing to the ladies. I kept fit by riding my bike and playing Ultimate frisbee, basketball, and tennis. I blew off steam by playing guitar and writing songs. I also read a lot of romantic poetry and wrote a lot also. Composing songs for a lot of famous poetry was something of a past time: Shakespeare, Donne, Coleridge, Blake, Byron. I volunteered to teach a Sunday school class of 4 year olds. I taught friends from church to play the guitar. Where did I find all this time? I never watched TV during the semester, and I did not play video games. Of course, I didn't waste time on social media - it didn't exist yet. Here's a Blake poem I set to music in college that I used to play for friends and love interests:



The Tyger

Now don't get me wrong - I was not a real athlete or anything approaching a professional songwriter or musician. But when it came to the ladies, I was interesting and I had game. Sure, I was just about the last guy picked in most pick-up basketball games, and my rock band only ever played in the very worst of the campus bars. But when I got to Brookhaven National Lab for a research internship my senior year, I was a lot more interesting than most of the other geeks there. Suddenly, I was getting picked first for pick-up basketball and entertaining the other students with an impromptu rendition of "Brookhaven Blues" which I adapted on the spot from "The LSU Blues" a song I had written earlier. So when a very attractive student arrived a few weeks later and I learned that she played tennis, I was quick to challenge her to a match - with the loser making dinner for the winner. I ended up marrying her. Still happy 30 years later.

My sons (both Physics majors) have taken a similar approach. They play tennis and basketball and Ultimate. My younger son works out and is quite "buff." They put together social events for the other students in their dorms. They help lots of other students with their homework and school challenges, both in official paid capacity and informally for students who just ask the geeks for help. One has taken up guitar and is writing songs. The other is a history buff. Both also have enough redneck-type outdoors interest and skills to round out the high GPA physics geek impression nicely.

My point is to consider what you might add to your life to make yourself more interesting. Video games do not make you more interesting. Watching videos does not make you more interesting. TV and social media do not make you more interesting. Art, poetry, music, sports, and volunteering to help your fellow man make you more interesting. You don't need to be the most interesting man in the world. You don't even need to be the most interesting geek in the world. But you can be the most interesting geek lots of attractive ladies have ever met.

 

[jtbell]

Us tech geeks are at something of a disadvantage sometimes in relationships, it may help to learn something about poetry and art, to be able to discuss something other than quadratic equations.

It helped that I was also interested in languages. My main foreign language was German, and I ended up marrying a German professor. She never studied any physics, but she nevertheless puts up with me.

 

[AlexCaledin]

I have found the very key thing - to concentrate inwardly on the sincere feeling/thinking of my being not good enough. It's awful difficult, but whenever I succeed in that, there comes girls' interest towards me.

 

[pinball1970]

Been here on this floating rock for almost 20 years and still can't find a girlfriend.Every day in college I just wake up eat shower study eat shower and sleep.
When it comes to dating . I don't know why it seems so easy for other people. They just get in and out relationships so easily. I literally have zero idea about the realm of relationship and women,
Or I am just not good looking enough?

If you are at Uni join the rock society, science and good rock music go together like Lennon and McCartney. Edit

Get yourself out there, go to meets, pub, gigs and rock disco drink too much and have fun.

If you don’t like prog, rock or metal and you are studying science, then the world has changed far too much for me to advise.

 

[jbriggs444]

The advice to "drink too much" seems questionable. But then I do not have the alcoholism gene.

 

[pinball1970]

The advice to "drink too much" seems questionable. But then I do not have the alcoholism gene.

He is 19, I was aiming at letting his hair down and interacting.

Not sitting on a park bench alone with a bottle of vodka in a brown paper bag.

 

[Klystron]

The advice to "drink too much" seems questionable. But then I do not have the alcoholism gene.

Neither do I. Consider the admonition to 'drink too much' as metaphor for 'choose to relax, enjoy, partake (wisely) of available pleasures'. External inputs such as alcohol and other drugs are certainly not a requirement but are surely a fixture in much of modern society. Be naturally happy and nice people may enjoy your company and share the happiness.

 

[TechieDork]

I'll confess here that I've been lurking on the redpill / blackpill subculture since the late 2017 after a long time of isolation from my peers and school failures. It has changed me since.

I began to started to start believing that the only main factors that determine my worth and dating success are looks , money and status. I've dig more and more in the rabbit hole and it has override my thinking pattern. Every has to do with looks and genetics.

The hot and popular guys (Chads) do nothing and have girls throw themselves over every hour including someone's crush.

Seeing world through the lens of incelosphere philosophy put me on the verge of becoming a neurotic. The old me who is positive , easy-going and funny has just gone.

I hate the fact that I keep going back to that rabbit hole whenever I feel depressed over and over again.It's really addictive.

I really want to reset and rewire everything to have a positive outlook in life and society again.

(I'm not sure if this post inappropriate or not.)

 

[Vanadium 50]

The old me who is positive , easy-going and funny has just gone.

Could that be part of the problem?

 

[hutchphd]

Have you been evaluated for clinical depression? It runs through my genetic heritage: not to be trifled with and very often effectively treated. If you want to change that would be a good start...see an MD

 

[Mondayman]

I struggled with dating and the opposite sex for years. I lived without purpose or direction, and ended up an unemployed addict. Hardly someone you look for in a partner.

I found my luck changed when I found purpose other than looking for a partner. You can't appear to be too desperate, its a put off for ladies (and men frankly). Work on bettering yourself always, don't remain stagnant. Also, you must be somewhat independent and able to take care of yourself. Ladies don't want to mother their partners. This is very important.

As an example, I discovered a passion for math and science at 25 and decided to return to school. I started from the beginning of high school, got sober, and got into university through hard work. I was sparked to focus on myself, to perfect the daily rituals of keeping myself clean, fit, and healthy, and to stay on top of all responsibilities in life. I decided to work towards being an RCMP officer. While doing all this, one of my good friends, whom I always had an interest in but never acted upon, suddenly took up interest in me. We are married now, and she insists that me showing drive to get sober and actively working towards my goals, having hobbies and Interests outside of her, and making a simple effort to take care of my body and looks were enough to keen her interest.

Learn some skills, make yourself interesting. Learn a language, take up martial arts, or join a book club, etc. But don't fake it. Dont just take up Greek or English literature just to appear more smart or interesting. Be your real self. Though be mindful that certain hobbies, such as gaming excessively, arent exactly turn ons.

Dont let the science/geek thing get you. Many girls like smart men.

Also, you have to put yourself out there in order to meet people. It's the only hope, outside of online dating. Just think though, if you're taking care of yourself and feeling confident about yourself, you'll find this becomes easier and actually enjoyable.

In short, work on yourself. Make goals, work towards them. Take care of your body, look presentable, be a gentleman. And be proud of who you are. When you start meeting people, things will work out more in your favor.

 

[Mondayman]

It's worth another message to reinforce that you cannot appear to be a) incapable of taking care of yourself, or b) desperate for sex/partner.

In my experience the biggest put off for ladies I know is when men don't take care of themselves and let their responsibilities slip, forcing the woman to mother the man. When she's taking care of your appointments, doing all the dishes, cooking all the meals, and all you have to offer in a relationship is that you're "a nice guy", you are done.

 

[MikeeMiracle]

I think the most attractice trait is confidence itself, no one wants to be with someone who does not believe in themselves. Also like others have said, take some pride in your appearance and don't let those standards slip even if you do end up with someone and feel you don't need to look your best anymore.

Get a nose and ear trimmer to get rid of any unsightly hair from those locations, they are a big turn off. Generally be and look tidy, keep a tidy room/flat/house, no one likes to see a mess. When your changing clothes put them away nicely, don't just throw them into a corner somewhere, that is a big turn off.

Like the poster above said, you need to demonstrate that you can look after yourself or at the very least, will not cause an abundance of mess that your future partner will have to clean up for you every day.

Sure there are women that won't care about this stuff, but then again they will likely have the same low standards themselves and your lives will be a mess. If you want a good partner you have to raise your standards to a similar level to those who you would want to be with.

As funny as this might sound, confidence and looking after yourself are more important than how much money you make.

 

[Mondayman]

confidence and looking after yourself are more important than how much money you make.

This. The right one(s) for you will not judge you based on what you make or do for a living, as long as it's honest work (not criminal) and you are financially responsible.

My wife is a tax lawyer, and I've never done anything other than manual labor gigs. But I take care of my finances and contribute my fair share to everything, and the disparity in incomes has never been an issue.

I must add though, that people generally want comfort and stability, and money brings that to some extent. But being a reliable partner is more important.

 

[DEvens]

There are some fairly obvious things to remember about dating.

First, you won't meet many potential dates in your own home. Get out. Do something. If it's interesting and interesting people are doing it, so much the better. If there's an excuse to talk to people in there, even better. Find something you are interested in, even a little, and get your behind out the door and get involved. Even if only a little. Even if you don't meet your dream girl, you will meet somebody. And somebody with friends is waaaaay more attractive than the sad loser sitting at home.

Next, you have to learn the first lesson of juggling. You take the little practice bean bag and drop it on the floor. Then pick it up again. What? Yes, drop it on the floor and pick it up again. And again. And again. You have to get used to that. You want to meet women? You must go talk to them. That means you are going to drop the ball. A lot. I mean, you are going to get shot down so many times you are going to think you lost the air war in the Atlantic and the Pacific.

EVERYBODY who tries for dates gets shot down. Nearly all of the time they get shot down. Women get to practice this for years. It's what they do. Charlie Sheen got shot down. Tom Cruise gets shot down. Brad Pitt gets shot down.

But. This is a good sign. It shows you are actually doing something. So get out there and drop that ball. The only guys who don't drop the ball are the guys who stay at home and never try.

Pay attention. Look for what *they* are looking for. Do they like your smile? Do they like you broody? Do jokes work as openers? Find your style, the way that you can be *you* but still be charming.

My best friend has a thing that works for him. Ask them a question they know the answer to. It pretty much gets the conversation going for at least four sentences. "Excuse me, can you please tell me where is the library?" asked in front of a 6 foot tall "Public Library" sign actually worked for him.

Then there's you. Ugly? Um... Ditch that attitude. Just think of Matthew McConaughey. You really think he's good looking? But he has a great smile, and he has trained his voice. Look who he's married to. Do what you can to improve. Spend money on *you* not on them. New clothes, new shoes, a nice haircut, these can do wonders. Smell good. Clean your teeth. Shave or at least keep your beard tidy. Maybe some exercise would not be amiss. Exercise can be the group activity such as co-ed bowling or the local softball league or any number of things. Google such things in your town.

And keep a positive attitude. 20 years old is *young*. Still got amniotic fluid dripping off you. Get out there and practice your charm. And drop that ball.

 

[wukunlin]

Don't worry about it. It will happen when you least expect it. It will hit you like a truck. You will be the happiest person in the world and driven up a wall at the same time.

 

[TechieDork]

I tried to talk with a woman (in platonic way) but I'm run out of topics to talk with her and most topic often end up sound very awkward.

Like this one :

Me : Hi , have you ever listened to ted talk.

Her : Nope , I haven't

...several hours latter...

Me : Do you know how to burn garbage without making smoke?

Her : *some emoji icon and* "..."

I tried to soften up the tone of conversation to ask about what kind of video games she'd love to play.

I thihk I have to learn more about small talks and research more about what said girl is interest in. Like I have mentioned above I'm not trying to hit on her. I'm just trying to leave the comfort-zone and practice talking to the opposite gender. : )

 

[GiriBang]

Are you friend zoned like me?

 

[TechieDork]

Are you friend zoned like me?

It's worse , I was once "creepzoned" by a girl because of my looks. She said I look like a bank robber. I have never done anything to her.

 

[Dr. Courtney]

It's worse , I was once "creepzoned" by a girl because of my looks. She said I look like a bank robber. I have never done anything to her.

Most physics and math geeks have had our share of rejection and negative commentary in our dating efforts. Did I mention the time I was rejected over 10 times trying to get a date for a social event?

But dwelling on past rejections is not good for a positive attitude. I recommend some brief consideration about what one might improve, and then move on.

 

[Vanadium 50]

I began to started to start believing that the only main factors that determine my worth and dating success are looks , money and status.

She said I look like a bank robber.

Maybe that's a hint.

 

[timmeister37]

I am a 39 year old heterosexual man, and i have never been on a date in my life. No woman has ever been interested in dating me in my life.

 

[timmeister37]

Fortunately, ladies tend to be less visually oriented than men. Have you even noticed that lots of average (or worse) looking guys date (and marry) very beautiful women?

Because the most important factor in determining how attractive a woman finds a man is the man's height, not how handsome or ugly the man is. It is still about physical traits.