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Why would a girl ignore your calls?

  1. Sep 18, 2010 #1
    So, I think my best friend has the misconception that I'm in love with her.

    About a month ago I don't know why but I told her that maybe I liked her. She laughed it off but didn't have a reply so I keep persisting, and she was like, "okay I love you." But I take it that maybe neither of us meant it seriously - we didn't raise it ever again.

    Now, we're seriously very close - just a few days earlier we had a misunderstanding and I had a feeling that she was lying to me about something, so I confronted her, telling her that I won't accept any of my friends lying to me over trivial matters, because it defeats the purpose of me listening to them. And so she explicitly swore to me that she will never hide anything from me. I decided to give it a rest and say I'll trust her more than anyone in this world.

    Just 2 days ago, I called her, and we talked on the phone for something like 20 minutes, and I was on the verge of crying (I'm having a tough time, I'm in my freshman year and I'm in senior level courses; and I feel disconnected from a purpose in what I'm doing because I suddenly don't feel that physics is my calling - I've always known that it involves a lot of grunt work, but it is only now that I feel like a spectator to my activity, and things occur to me in profound ways.) In the end she said she was sorry because she had to get off the bus - that she'll call back the next day (she gave me a time that was 17 hours from now - seriously?)

    And of course she didn't. Now I wasn't bothered by that at all - I only remembered some half a day after the time she had promised to call. But I had something interesting to discuss with her by that moment, so I decided to message her and ask if she was free to talk - and I made a dig at how she forgot to call me.

    She didn't get back to me for an hour, so I decided to call her up. The tone was ringing, but no one picked up. I thought I'd just give it a try and keep calling on and off for the next 2 hours, and I left more messages starting on what I wanted to say. No reply.

    And maybe I shouldn't have done this but, for that moment, I felt some distrust, asked my friend (whom she doesn't know) to call her at the same time and see if she would pick up. And she did.

    And so she ignored my "missed" calls for another half a day until she finally said she was sorry she didn't answer because she wasn't paying attention to her phone all this time. I decided not to confront her, so I said I was OK with it, but that I felt she was giving me the cold shoulder, and asked if I offended her somewhere. She told me that she's tired, to give her a break.

    It's kind of ironic that it's precisely because of an act of distrust that uncovered her lie.

    (1) Why is she ignoring my calls? That's not even logical. It has obviously higher payoff for both of us if she had even just replied saying that she's busy.
    (2) Why did she have to lie about something so silly?
    (3) What should I do? Confront? Pretend it didn't happen? I'm scared to lose this friendship.
  2. jcsd
  3. Sep 18, 2010 #2


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    Man you are one persistently.. whats the word.. suffocating.. guy.

    I mean really you go fishing with dynamite here. Just leave this girl alone for like a year if she calls you back play it cool and let her come to you. You are kind of in the friendzone but she sort of wants to be attracted to you, just isn't, and your 'thing' of constantly calling her and setting all these honesty rules isn't helping either.

    She doesn't seem to be mature enough for that kind of relationship, so you should either dumb it down for her, or wait another 3-5 years before she grows up
  4. Sep 18, 2010 #3
    If you want to be just friends, then why the demands? Would you be so demanding of a male friend?

    The issue is that if you like her, or she likes you, then it is not a friendship. And if she starts to date someone, then she will not have time for you anyway.

    If she liked you beyond friendship, and you told her that is not what you are interested in, then she is done with you anyway.

    Either way I would just leave her alone. After about a week you will either get a call or you will not.
  5. Sep 18, 2010 #4


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    ephedyn, you sound like you have an unhealthy obsession and/or are very emotionally insecure. My suggestion is to do what she asked you to do - give her a break, back off and leave her alone.
  6. Sep 18, 2010 #5
    I agree with the above comments. If she thinks you're in love with her and she doesnt feel the same way then she might get annoyed at all this persistent attention... so give her some space.
    If she's also a freshman at uni, she could be busy socialising with new people and so might not want to pay as much attention to old friendships for the time being.
    or maybe she's got some problems of her own and cant deal with your troubles right now as well...
    yeah, friends are supposed to be there for you and all, but sometimes it gets too much for them too, so its best to try to get yourself together....
    you know, some people are also fair-weathered friends - maybe she doesnt see you as close a friend as you see her... so she might not think she has to help you/listen to your problems.

    It could be a mix of reasons, I guess give it a week or so and then try to talk to her about it.
  7. Sep 18, 2010 #6
    Hm, my experiences in this stuff is close to zero, but it sounds like this girl kind of wanted to be with you; just that maybe she is not totally sure about it. (I would agree with the above posts.) Just don't be that persistent in these issues... let it be for a while and then see if it can work out when she looks more receptive, otherwise there is nothing you can do about it. Ah yes... buy a fountain pen! ;)
  8. Sep 18, 2010 #7
    croxneh/airborne18/Evo: Wow, what you're saying makes a lot of sense. I know that I've become very demanding in recent days.

    Now that you ask, I really don't know why. What nucleargirl pointed out is true, I'm certain that she has new friends, commitments just as I do. Now that I'm living very far away, I'm fearful to lose anyone, anything, back home honestly. I won't say that I'm not jealous: that I'm lately expecting so much of her so as to validate our friendship that it's even beyond her means.

    Seeing that you're all pointing it out to me, it's just me being insecure - I haven't lost anything from her at all; and she has been perfectly normal towards me until I started acting weird towards her. I bet she's also thinking that I'm obsessed over her life. I agree that the solution isn't that complicated at all, I should lay off for 1 week or more as suggested - to give her a break, but more to get myself together.

    I'm glad I asked for advice here, I'd really have gone overboard if I continued to harp on this small issue. I'm forgetting that even the least of friends are still brought together by compromise and acceptance, rather than expectation and insistence.

    So I'll take the first step and stop over-speculating (damn - the stuff above really sounds like an unhealthy obsession... lol). Wish I could make amends though.

    Redsummers: Definitely, I hope I can find something which improves my handwriting.
  9. Sep 18, 2010 #8


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    ephedyn, I am horrible at relationships because I am too controlling and clingy. I seriously do not know how my former boyfriends tolerated me. Really odd, because in non romantic relationships, I am the complete opposite. I've finally admitted that I can not handle romantic relationships. I'm whiny, expect too much, need too much attention, so it's easy for me to point these same flaws out to others.

    I had to make a number of rules.

    No phoning late at night or after drinking.

    If you a leave a message, don't leave another until enough time has elapsed that they might be dead.

    If they don't answer the phone - see above.

    When you write that e-mail telling them how they are neglecting you, save it as a draft and do something else, if 5 hours later and you read it again it still sounds sane, then you can send it.
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2010
  10. Sep 19, 2010 #9
    Jesus, like they not all like that. Pretty much anyway, and I could add others: suspicious, moody, needy, clingy, hyper-emotional most of the time, and grumpy when they're on their period. I mean what, that's 25% of the time you with her for heavens sake!

    I mean guys here are all so worried about meeting them. That's not the main problem. Once you get her, then you got the real problem: Now what do you do with her? How do you have a healthy relationship with someone? That's the hard part. Takes a lot of effort but most people just sort of slide-and-guide through it without putting direct effort in learning how to get along.
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2010
  11. Sep 19, 2010 #10
    Oh man, you nailed it. Now its gotten to the point that I dont even want to date anymore. Women themselves dont know what they want from themselves let alone what they want from men!
  12. Sep 19, 2010 #11
    Oh and the sex thing is way-more than sex. I mean when a guy has sex, well, it's just sex (usually). But not for a woman. yeah, you can date her an all, but when you do it, well now you're in the big-house. Now she feels you owe her something for "allowing" you into her space and all. It's not just sex to her. Something else entirely different for a woman. She's askin', "yep, we had sex, I gave it to you. How are you going to treat me now?" yeah, here's where the work starts.

    Let's see . . . I think having a healthy relationship is more difficult than bustin' out concrete with a jack-hammer. Think about it guys. you got two choices: go back home with your woman who's mad at you now, or help me with that slab in the back yard? What's it gonna be? yeah, I know, we gettin' another six-pack.
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2010
  13. Sep 19, 2010 #12
    Yeah, I know what you're talking about. The worst of it is, that they'll tell you they're just into it for the sex and that its not 'serious'. Then you'll start getting these semi wierd looks. Then the clinginess starts and the emotional blackmail. By that time you know you're in the woods. Lol, relationships are more trouble than they're worth.
  14. Sep 19, 2010 #13
    Personally I believe a healthy relationship is worth the effort. However, having one takes a lot of work and both guy and girl have to be smart about it. There is the problem. I've finally hit the nail on the head! We're much too often not too smart about it, and do wrong stuff that causes problems. So when you thinkin' about getting into one, just remember for both of you to spend time learning how to have a good one.
  15. Sep 19, 2010 #14
    I am like this too!! and as Jack says: suspicious, moody, needy, clingy, hyper-emotional most of the time. these as well!!! oh my god... seriously, I'm not getting in to another relationship ever again! (not for a while anyway)

    I always though its cos I love them so much? thats why I behave like that, but I dont think so... I think its just... I dunno me being selfish or something. Its terrible, I'm just plain mean sometimes!
  16. Sep 19, 2010 #15
    I had forgotten this. I should really be more compromising.
  17. Sep 19, 2010 #16


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    So was he cheating on you like I inferred out of no facts to back up that claim, or did you just dump him on your hyper-emotional suspicion?
  18. Sep 19, 2010 #17
    ah yes, that must have been what caused it! you must have planted the seed in my head, and it manifested in to such an overwhelming controlling monster in me that it eventually destroyed all that was good about me and turned me in to the neurotic hyper ball of emotion that drove my bf away... yes it all makes snese now.
  19. Sep 19, 2010 #18


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    Inception, baby. Now come give daddy a hug :biggrin:
  20. Sep 19, 2010 #19
    No, "they" are not all like that.


    And I could enumerate for you all of the guys I've dated who behaved in all of the ways you just listed.

    It all comes down to how secure you are in yourself and how secure you feel in a relationship.

    But trust me when I tell you that "all" or even "most" women are not like that.
  21. Sep 20, 2010 #20
    Maybe not all of those traits in one woman, not often anyway, but I think many women have one or more traits like the ones I indicated above.
  22. Sep 20, 2010 #21
    You mean like sometimes they behave grumpy when they don't feel well or moody? I think that describes pretty much describes everyone on the planet, don't you?

    Edited to add: I thought that you were discussing or pointing out the broad strokes of women acting out of insecurity. The whole drama train. If you're pointing to that, then I'm merely saying that not all women are like that. Younger women are more prone to it than older women, just as younger men are more prone to it than older men. Everyone is susceptible to feeling insecure and behaving in not-so-constructive ways because of it.
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2010
  23. Sep 20, 2010 #22
    Alright fine then, I was kinda' exaggerating, mostly play anyway.

    But more importantly, and to remain focused on this thread, I mentioned that people spend time learning about having healthy relationships, well then, part of that is talking, and listening, and understanding and so the guy that started this thread, the healthy thing to do is to simply talk to her, over coffee or something, and explain what's going on, and she can explain what she has to say, and both of you deal with it in a healthy manner. Remember two very important parts to a healthy relationship: friendship and communications.
  24. Sep 20, 2010 #23


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    And that includes marriage!
  25. Sep 20, 2010 #24
    Okay, exaggerating for fun. Got it. It's difficult to hear tone of voice online, especially when one hasn't heard another person's voice out loud first. Some people here actually make those sorts of generalisations and aren't kidding.

    So, on point, yes, very true. As other people pointed out, the OP was experiencing a knee-jerk reaction as a result of insecurity. And sometimes -- frequently -- most people get overcome by that. And then we behave in not-so-great ways.

    The problem with those not-so-great-ways is that they impede the oh-so-important communication that relationships need. When people act out insecurities, the people they're acting towards tend to withdraw, and that heightens the insecurities even more. Feeling insecure in a relationship tends to spiral, one behaviour triggering behaviour that triggers the other. It's really difficult, sometimes, to step back from that and see it for what it is. The OP appears to have picked up on it.

    With some of us, though, it's this ingrained response to given situations, especially when we value relationships and people. We get frightened and start jumping at shadows. Jumping at shadows tends to freak other people out. But sometimes you get into relationships and there's no amount of discussing that can calm the shadow-jumper down. Sometimes certain behaviours absolutely trigger insecurities and sometimes there's nothing that can be done to help someone feel secure in a relationship. I think you've got to get comfortable in your own skin, first, before you can let the shadows pass without making you jump. For a lot of people -- me included -- that's a tough thing to learn.

    It's really good when one can recognise their own behaviour, though, because they can truly sabotage good relationships as a result of it.
  26. Sep 21, 2010 #25
    Freud himself would be proud of amount of psychoanalysis you find on internet those days:P

    Anyway, letting aside all the psychobabble BS, humans , both male and female ignore phone calls when they don't have the slightest inclination to waste 30 seconds talking to the person calling.
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