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Will she respond?

  1. Aug 10, 2012 #1
    There's this girl from school that I really liked. Externally, we appear to be be opposites: she's emotive and extroverted, I'm reserved and an introvert; I was first in my class, she barely showed up; I'm going to major in computer science, she's practically a Luddite. We have very similar values, though, and a great deal of mutual admiration (although I didn't express it). She hangs on my every word, and always seems fascinated with me. Her kindness and ambitious idealism attracted me to her from the beginning.

    Anyway, one time she said she was a lesbian (not to me directly), so I thought that was the end of the possibility of anything between us, although I never seriously considered a relationship anyway.

    Then one day when we're alone she French kisses me, passionately, and tells me how good a person I am and says she hopes we meet again. I didn't respond much, overwhelmed as I was.

    A few days later we graduate, and I have her email as the only way to contact her. After some time I make sense of everything and write to her, confessing how much (and why) I like her, and how deep I feel our connection is. I also bring up my confusion as to what the kiss meant in the context of her professed lesbianism. I ask her out for coffee.

    It's conceivable that she wouldn't check her email in a long time, so I ask her friend to tell her, and she assures me she will.

    It's been a long time (almost a month) since then, and she still hasn't responded.

    I feel a certain desperation at the prospect of not seeing her again; she's the only one towards whom I've ever experienced romantic love. And now a relationship seems within reach, and I desire it greatly, whereas before I was largely ambivalent.

    If she has indeed seen the email (which it is still possible she hasn't), why hasn't she responded? Could she have been scared off at something I said? Or, as I sometimes fancy, could the kiss have been not a sign of romantic feelings, rather a parting gift, a way to "teach me" to open up to intimacy? She also has rather unconventional views of gender and spirituality, so that makes it even harder to interpret what happened.

    I'm so confused. That was my first kiss and the first time any girl has shown these kinds of feelings for me. Any advice would be much appreciated.
  2. jcsd
  3. Aug 10, 2012 #2

    Simon Bridge

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    You want to contact the friend and ask "Did you ask her already or what?".
    Apart from that, don't wait - get drunk for an evening and move on.
  4. Aug 10, 2012 #3
    I know a lesbian who may be similar. She's not so much a lesbian as a free spirit and probably finds herself attracted to other women more because other women are emotionally open. She's moved away from where I live now, but she used to often come over, sit right up against me, and put her arm around my waist and tell me what an awesome person I was. I wasn't sure what she was up to at first. Eventually I settled on the explanation that she was just promiscuously affectionate.
  5. Aug 10, 2012 #4


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    I've gotten with a few lesbians. In fact, many of them seem more open to the idea than a lot of straight girls I've met.

    Oh and after a month? That's a long time... She could've been unsure of what to say and kept putting it off until eventually after a week or so you'd feel that it's too late and there's just no point in replying anymore.
  6. Aug 10, 2012 #5

    Simon Bridge

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    That's the thing with an empowered sexuality aye.
    Also that sexual orientation is more complex than the labels imply.

    It's not the orientation that's the problem - if she'd said it to your face then that's just an emphatic "NO". I've known women to claim homosexuality to put off a persistent um suitor.

    It's the timeframe ... lets say she hasn't checked her email in a month: that still says she doesn't want to associate with the people she knows will want to email her right?

    The only uncertainty is the message via a friend.
    The friend hasn't got back to you. But it's a long shot - the most likely event is that the message is delivered and the reaction is such that neither are in a hurry to get back to you. Sobering. The whole story reads like an affectionate person triggering unintended romantic feelings - sucks to be the romantic one aye?

    The irony is there is probably someone mooning over you and you haven't noticed.

    The lesson learned is: make your move practically right away before they get to dominate your thoughts. Women tend to make up their minds really fast and you need to get in there while they are still figuring you out. So don't wait until you are sure before asking someone out.
  7. Aug 10, 2012 #6
    I wanted to contact her friend, but she disappeared off Facebook... I'm considering whether I should add her on another social network in order to contact her or whether that would be too creepy.

    She sounds very similar, also in the free spirit sense.

    She didn't know that I had her email, and she hates using computers, so it wouldn't really be indicative of anything if she hadn't checked it in a month.

    She is indeed very affectionate, and she would often hug me. But I thought kissing was different... Isn't it? She probably thought at the time that I didn't have feelings for her. I never acted as if I did.

    Thank you for the responses. I can't say they're very encouraging, but at least they give me some insight. I'll find it terribly difficult to "move on" if she doesn't respond. :frown: She's really a special person – I've never met anyone like her nor do I think I will again.
  8. Aug 11, 2012 #7
    Above are the warning signs that it's not going to happen. Because if she fancied you it would have happened.
    Do you really need us to try and convince that this is a terrible sign?
    Move on.

    To answer the thread question. No she isn't going to respond.

    On a secondary note, sorry to be blunt about this but really sounds more like you have been used. You were the nice guy that helped out rather then a friend.

    If a woman wants to engage in relationship, it'll be so plainly obvious that you can't miss it.
    If a woman wants to be your friend, they will give you more than an email (especially if they hate computers), and actually make an effort to contact you.
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2012
  9. Aug 11, 2012 #8
    How have I been used? I really don't understand what would give you that impression. I never helped her with anything, nor did she ever ask me to.
  10. Aug 13, 2012 #9
    I might have read into your first paragraph too much. I got the impression you were helping her in a computer class, but that's not what you said so, disregard that bit.

    The point still stands though, a woman who wants to remain in contact, makes damn sure she remains in contact.

    Just put this one down to experience and move on.
  11. Aug 13, 2012 #10

    Ben Niehoff

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    She has no romantic interest in you. She only wanted to be friends, was using you for emotional support, and probably thought you were gay. Now you've gone and creeped her out. You should leave her alone and forget about her.
  12. Aug 17, 2012 #11
    We were never really friends nor did she use me for emotional support.

    Do you all think it was presumptuous to assume she had feelings for me, as I implied in my letter?
  13. Aug 18, 2012 #12
    I, for my part, think the kiss was sincere. However I'm guessing it was an impulse kiss and didn't reflect a lasting or deep feeling, just a transient urge.
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