Can Old Sayings Get a Modern Twist?

[Artman]

There is a pretty bright group of people here, so this could be fun. Just start with the cliche' and then tell us your modification.

Such as:
"My mind is like a steel trap." It used to be sharp, but it's getting rusty.

Something like that. Make up a few or share some that you've heard.

Here is a site for cliche's that you could work with. have fun.

http://www.clichesite.com/categories.asp"

 

[Artman]

Here's another:

Over the hill.

I don't mind being over the hill, but now my brakes are failing!

 

[Artman]

"You can't teach an old dog new tricks."

But you can't learn how to lick yourself either.

 

[DaveC426913]

If time flies like an arrow, why do fruit flies like a banana?

 

[Artman]

I like it DaveC426913.

"You can lead a horse to water..." but he's not going to build a boat.

 

[NateTG]

An alternative approach...

http://www.nous.org.uk/perverb.html

 

[Artman]

Those could work.

"A bird in the hand..." will probably make your fingers stink.

 

[Danger]

More a mixture than a modification, I guess, but I like to say 'you can lead a horse to fire, but you can't make him smoke'.

 

[tribdog]

Does the pope s**t in the woods?

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

"One in the hand is worth two in the bush" or well what ever else you want to think about while you have one in the hand.

"Never count yer chikens before they hatch" you may feel like an omlette in the morning.

 

[jimmy p]

"I got it straight from the horse's mouth." what, horse spit?

 

[Chi Meson]

"The quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach."

Actually, that one's already a bit weird.

 

[jimmy p]

"Many a mickle makes a muckle" if you are martian.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

"A compliment is a statement of an agreeable truth; flattery is the statement of an agreeable untruth" and flirtation is a means to an end.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

A little self-defecating humor is always appreciated.

Send us your poor, huddled, well-educated masses.

Be happy; don't worry. Got some extra change, dude?

Four out of five doctors prefer three out of four dentists.

I could be wrong, but as a matter of practice, let's assume that I'm not.

 

[scott1]

"I don't know what the weapons of WWIII will be but I know the Weapons of world War IV will be fought with sticks and stones"Albert einstein
So during WWIII there going to have cool time weapons and then there going to go back to the stone age and the have fight sticks stones for WWIV to get there time machine back

 

[Artman]

"That's as easy as shooting fish in a barrel"

First you have to find a barrel that has fish in it, if you don't have a gun, then you need a permit and that can take weeks to process, then you have to get a gun, load it, learn how it works, then you have to tgry and shoot the fish (if they are still alive after several weeks in the barrel without food), then you have to account for refraction so the fish isn't really where you are aiming, but I guess after missing a few times and shooting a few holes in the barrel so the water drains out, leaving the fish sitting on the bottom, where it would be easy to shoot them.

 

[Artman]

"Money makes the world go around" I just want enough to keep my car going.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Ghosts were people too.

A mummy is something that never stops giving.” – a noted archeologist

Flying a plane is like riding a bike...it’s just harder to put the baseball cards in the spokes.
-Robert Stack; Airplane.

Caution: Objects in mirror are more confused than they appear

Gloria: Do you know that 60 percent of all deaths in America are caused by guns?
Archie Bunker: Would it make you feel any better if dey was pushed out of windows?
---Carol OConner; All in the Family

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence – you can take comfort in the fact that if something doesn't exist, it won't be detected.

Know thyself - but not before ball games or wrestling matches.

A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step - no, it begins with a map.

And the lion will lie down with the lamb...at least until dinner time.

A. Einstein: “God doesn’t play dice” [with the universe]
Niels Bohr: “Who are you to say what God does?”

Such a tangled web we weave when first we practice to perceive.

I estimate that I will publish in about 10^24 years

"Speak the truth, but leave immediately after."

 

[ZapperZ]

OK, I don't know if this is exactly what you had in mind for this thread, but I have to start it off with a story (and I may even get bleeped along the way here). Ooooh... intrigue!

A guy walks into a doctor's office complaining about a problem. The doctor asks what the problem is. He replied "Well, it's like this, Doc. Every time I fart, it sounds like "Honda!""

The doctor is taken aback when he hears this. He says "Can you fart now?". So the guy does it, and yes, it does sounds like "Honda".

The doctor ponders a bit and says that it is a very unusual situation. "We will have to do some tests, and you should come back next week when we have them in", the doctor says.

So next week arrives and the guy comes back to see the doctor.

"Good news", the doctor exclaims. "It was just a bad case of abscess in your stomach. We can give you some medication that should take care of that."

So the guy gets the prescription for the medication and walks away happy.

Moral of the story: Abscess Makes Your Fart Goes Honda!

:)

[Well, that IS a modification of an old saying, no?!]

Zz.

 

[daveb]

Jesus is my copilot, but we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him.

A penny saved is ridiculous.

Look both ways before crossing the road - that way you'll see who's about to run you over.

Money is the root of all evil, and a man needs his roots.

If we were all octopi, would several suckers be born every minute?

Love thy neighbor - but don't get caught by her husband.

 

[Artman]

"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step" - no, it begins with a trip to the bathroom.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step" - no, it begins with a trip to the bathroom.

...and a pot of coffee.

 

[Artman]

"That's as easy as shooting fish in a barrel"

First you have to find a barrel that has fish in it, if you don't have a gun, then you need a permit and that can take weeks to process, then you have to get a gun, load it, learn how it works, then you have to tgry and shoot the fish (if they are still alive after several weeks in the barrel without food), then you have to account for refraction so the fish isn't really where you are aiming, but I guess after missing a few times and shooting a few holes in the barrel so the water drains out, leaving the fish sitting on the bottom, where it would be easy to shoot them.

Then of course, if the stupid barrel is too close to houses you would have to move it before shooting the fish, which means moving about 50 gallons of water at 8.33 lbs per gallon so that's 416.5 pounds of water, which means getting containers to transport the water to the new barrel location, and move the fish...It should say as hard as shooting fish in a barrel.

 

[matthyaouw]

Then of course, if the stupid barrel is too close to houses you would have to move it before shooting the fish, which means moving about 50 gallons of water at 8.33 lbs per gallon so that's 416.5 pounds of water, which means getting containers to transport the water to the new barrel location, and move the fish...It should say as hard as shooting fish in a barrel.

It becomes a lot easier if you use a full grown tuna.

 

[Artman]

It becomes a lot easier if you use a full grown tuna.

Excellent point.

 

[Artman]

"As easy as shooting fish in a barrel"

I can see:
As pointless as shooting fish in a barrel. If they're in a barrel, just dump them out and pick up the ones you want.

As difficult as shooting fish in a barrel. (See above explanations)

As illegal as shooting fish in a barrel. This can't be legal, can it?

As frustrating as shooting fish in a barrel. If the fish are tiny fast little buggers, it would be next to impossible to shoot them, factoring in the effects of refraction, the darkness of the insides of the barrel, etc.

As gawd-awful-stupid as shooting fish in a barrel. What kind of moron does this anyway?

As dangerous as shooting fish in a barrel. What if the bullet hits a barrel stay and ricochets somewhere?

You want easy fish, go to the store and buy a can of tuna.

 

[Artman]

"Slept like a baby."

You know, tossing and turning all night, waking up every half hour crying, then get up hungry and cranky.

 

[Gokul43201]

"As easy as shooting fish in a barrel"

...or if you're using a double-barrel rifle : "As easy as shooting a pair of fish in your barrels"...see !

 

[Artman]

"As easy as shooting fish in a barrel"

I can see:
As pointless as shooting fish in a barrel. If they're in a barrel, just dump them out and pick up the ones you want.

As difficult as shooting fish in a barrel. (See above explanations)

As illegal as shooting fish in a barrel. This can't be legal, can it?

As frustrating as shooting fish in a barrel. If the fish are tiny fast little buggers, it would be next to impossible to shoot them, factoring in the effects of refraction, the darkness of the insides of the barrel, etc.

As gawd-awful-stupid as shooting fish in a barrel. What kind of moron does this anyway?

As dangerous as shooting fish in a barrel. What if the bullet hits a barrel stay and ricochets somewhere?

You want easy fish, go to the store and buy a can of tuna.

Got to thinking about the legallity issue.

Police - Sir, cease what you are doing and put the gun down.

Me - Who me? But I have a right to bear arms.

Police - We'll read you your rights after you put down the gun.

Me - Yessir.

Police - What were you doing?

Me - Shooting fish.

Police - In a barrel?

Me - Yessir.

Police - Why are you doing it?

Me - Someone said it was easy.

Police - Was it easy?

Me - Not so far. I had to find a barrel, put it out here in the woods, haul out 450 lbs of water to fill it, find a bunch of fish to put in it, then every time I blast them, I miss the fish and splash water all over me. I haven't even hit a fish yet and my barrel's full of holes, I'm soaked, frustrated...

Police - Gawd-awful-stupid...

Me - Yeah.

Police - Why didn't you just NOT put the fish in in the first place?

Me - (Knocks himself in the head) Doh!