The Onion

[Adam]

Some funnies from www.theonion.com


BUSH TO CUT DEFICIT FROM FEDERAL BUDGET

WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush proposed a $2.4 trillion election-year budget Monday that would boost defense spending, redistribute funds among government programs, and cross out the $477 billion deficit entirely.

http://www.theonion.com/news.php?i=1&n=0



DOLPHINS EVOLVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS

HONOLULU—In an announcement with grave implications for the primacy of the species of man, marine biologists at the Hawaii Oceanographic Institute reported Monday that dolphins, or family Delphinidae, have evolved opposable thumbs on their pectoral fins.

http://www.theonion.com/onion3630/dolphins_evolve_thumbs.html



ARCHAEOLOGICAL DIG UNCOVERS ANCIENT RACE OF SKELETON PEOPLE

AL JIZAH, EGYPT—A team of British and Egyptian archaeologists made a stunning discovery Monday, unearthing several intact specimens of "skeleton people"—skinless, organless humans who populated the Nile delta region an estimated 6,000 years ago.

http://www.theonion.com/onion3545/ancient_race.html



CRAZED PALESTINIAN GUNMAN ANGERED BY STEROTYPES

HEBRON, WEST BANK—In an emotionally charged press conference Monday, crazed Palestinian gunman Faisal al Hamad expressed frustration over the stereotyping of his people.

http://www.theonion.com/onion3108/crazedgunman.html



IRAQ, KENTUCKY VIE FOR WORLD SHOOTING-INTO-THE-AIR SUPREMACY

COON HOLLOW, KY—In a rivalry that shows no signs of abating, Iraq and Kentucky remain locked in a bitter struggle for world shooting-into-the-air supremacy.

http://www.theonion.com/onion3906/iraq_kentucky_vie.html



NORTH DAKOTA FOUND TO BE HARBOURING NUCLEAR MISSILES

BISMARCK, ND—The stage was set for another international showdown Monday, when chief U.N. weapons inspector Hans Blix confirmed that the remote, isolationist state of North Dakota is in possession of a large stockpile of nuclear missiles.

http://www.theonion.com/onion3904/north_dakota.html



DEATH STAR TO OPEN DAY CARE CENTRE

After months of speculation, it was confirmed yesterday that the Death Star, the Empire's vaunted, planet-destroying space station, has added a new, state-of-the-art day care center to its already vast array of capabilities. The massive four-room day care center, which, according to Grand Moff Tarkin, will "provide a safe and fun learning environment for tots between the ages of one and four," has already begun spring enrollment and is expected to be fully operational by June 1.

http://www.theonion.com/onion2918/daycare.html



NORTHERN IRISH, SERBS, HUTUS GRANTED HOMELAND IN WEST BANK

UNITED NATIONS—In a bold gambit hoped to resolve dozens of conflicts around the world, the U.N. announced Monday the establishment of Ethniklashistan, a multinational haven in the West Bank that will serve as a new homeland for Irish Protestants, Hutus, Serbs, and other troubled groups.

http://www.theonion.com/onion3723/west_bank.html



SECRET OF FIRE FALLS INTO RUSSIAN HANDS

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—U.S. satellite surveillance has produced clear evidence that the Russians have developed the technology to generate, implement, and contain the power of fire.

http://www.theonion.com/onion2919/secretoffire.html



U.S. VOWS TO DEFEAT WHOEVER IT IS WE'RE AT WAR WITH

WASHINGTON, DC—In a televised address to the American people Tuesday, a determined President Bush vowed that the U.S. would defeat "whoever exactly it is we're at war with here."

http://www.theonion.com/onion3734/us_vows_to_defeat_whoever.html



BUSH SEEKS U.N. SUPPORT FOR 'U.S. DOES WHATEVER IT WANTS' PLAN

UNITED NATIONS—In an address before the U.N. General Assembly Monday, President Bush called upon the international community to support his "U.S. Does Whatever It Wants" plan, which would permit the U.S. to take any action it wishes anywhere in the world at any time.

http://www.theonion.com/onion3836/bush_seeks_un_support.html


If anyone can find the old story about Australia moving to North America, please let me know. Thanks.

[zoobyshoe]

That's really wierd about that race of skeleton people they found.

One of the scientists is speculating that they may be part of the human evolutionary line, and that we may, in fact, all be part skeleton. I wish they wouldn't say creepy things like that

They aren't sure why they died out. I don't understand why they didn't test all the local soil for the obvious, that all the local sources of calcium had been completely depleted.

[Adam]

I remember a few years ago there was some lobby group trying to force the government to ban the immigration of leprechauns. But, you know, they have all that gold, and that's what the politicians listen to, so the ban never really got going.

[zoobyshoe]

Courting rituals among the skeleton people were very crude: a guy just went up to any girl he liked and said, "Say, can I jump your bones?"

[Adam]

I read another article somewhere about those skeleton guys. It seems they didn't have any big social events like dances and such. Evidence suggests they tried to get into such things, but none of them had any body to go with.

[Adam]

Oh, and if you're wondering why they died out, it's basically because they were complete cowards. None of them had any guts at all.

[Njorl]

Don't neglect reading The Onion's look back at past issues either. I think this week looks back at the breaking story of petting causing communism.

Njorl