When you smell smoke it is just too late.

[tribdog]

I'm sitting here choking and coughing. All the windows and doors are wide open and a thick cloud of smoke is wafting out and contributing about .3 degrees to global warming.
Looking back at the cause of all the smoke makes me think I should have seen it coming. I'll tell you what I did and you tell me when the red flags should have been waved in my head.
1) Yesterday:Friends of mine bring over some holiday leftovers. I put them in fridge.
2)Today 4:45pm: I start getting hungry.
3)Today 4:45:30: I'm standing with fridge door open, examining contents. I see some ham. Ham looks good.
4)Today 4:46: Ham is cold so I decide to warm it up.
5)Today 4:47: Microwaving ham doesn't sound appealing, but I'll bet it would taste great if I just warmed it up in the oven. It's already cooked so just need to get it hot, maybe a bit brown along the edges.
6)Today 4:48:Turn oven on, set temperature to "Clean"
7)Today 4:48:15: Its just one slice of ham, no need to dirty a pan. Ham slice goes directly on wire rack in oven.
8)Today 4:49: Decide to get online while I wait for ham to get hot.
9)Today 4:51: Computer is on. Brand new Firefox browser has opened up PF GD Homepage.
10)Today 5:09: Have offered advice to Evo about sleep habits and PM'd Moonbear. Then hear a noise. Sounds like someone is sneaking through the bushes outside.
11) Today 5:11: I look outside, can't see anyone so decide to forget about it.
12) Today 5:21: Start to smell smoke. Wonder where that is coming from.
13)Today 5:23: Realize where that smoke is coming from.Knock over chair and hit my knee on the computer desk scrambling towards the kitchen.
14)Today 5:55: Have thrown away ham, and opened all windows. Sit down to write this post.

 

[Hurkyl]

One would think you'd've learned not to attempt to operate any heat source by now...

 

[tribdog]

One would think you'd've learned not to attempt to operate any heat source by now...

"it's just a stove, everyone has a stove. What could go wrong?"~voice in my head

 

[Kerrie]

what a waste of a good ham trib...tsk tsk...

 

[plover]

"it's just a stove, everyone has a stove. What could go wrong?"~voice in my head

"remember what happened the last time you listened to that voice?"~second voice that should probably be installed in tribdog's head

"nothing will go wrong, anyone would probably do that"~second voice after being installed in tribdog's head for a week

"mmmm... ham"~voice still rattling around tribdog's head from previous attempt to install new voice

 

[Evo]

I'll tell you what I did and you tell me when the red flags should have been waved in my head.

Well, for most people, 6)Today 4:48:Turn oven on, set temperature to "Clean" would have been the "red flag"

For you 4)Today 4:46: Ham is cold so I decide to warm it up. is where the red flag should have gone up.

I'm really surprised you didn't just take a blowtorch to it.

 

[russ_watters]

Well, for most people, 6)Today 4:48:Turn oven on, set temperature to "Clean" would have been the "red flag"

What's wrong with wanting a clean ham?

I have recently gotten over a popcorn problem: I figured, if 99% of the popcorn pops in 3 minutes using the "popcorn" button on the microwave, I could reduce the power a little and extend the time and get that up to maybe 99.5%. I'm an engineer - I can do this! (set aside for a moment that the microwave was designed by a team of engineers). After several years of experimentation, all I have learned is that when buttered microwave, popcorn burns, it smolders (producing massive quantities of smoke) for a good 15 minutes.

 

[Hurkyl]

Aha, so the answer must be more power and less time! Ho ho ho!

P.S. tribdog: this is not the post you're looking for *waves hand mysteriously*

 

[russ_watters]

Aha, so the answer must be more power and less time! Ho ho ho!

Hmm... I'll be back in 2.5 minutes...

 

[Smurf]

Tribdog shouldn't be allowed to do anything short of PFing without a supervisor... Oh Moonbear!

 

[tribdog]

all I have learned is that when buttered microwave, popcorn burns, it smolders (producing massive quantities of smoke) for a good 15 minutes.

massive quantities of acrid, eye-stinging, lung-burning, stick-to-your-teeth smoke. yep, been there.

 

[Artman]

Now the question on my mind is, did you put the burning ham on the carpet, melting the carpet fibers and welding the piece of black, smoking pork to the floor? Just curious. Stranger things have happened.

 

[Moonbear]

You know, he promised he'd stay out of trouble while I was away. Apparently the moment I turn my back, he forgets that.

I agree with Evo, generally turning the oven to "clean" before putting food in it is a pretty big red flag for most, but I have to disagree with her that the first red flag should have popped up for you at step 4. I think you should have stopped at step 3...nothing good can come of your attempts to eat ham, you should know this by now. Ham doesn't seem to be in your future.

I'm surprised you could even open the oven after putting it on clean. Most I've run into automatically lock, although I never understood why that was necessary. Now I know.

 

[Evo]

You know, he promised he'd stay out of trouble while I was away. Apparently the moment I turn my back, he forgets that.

Moonbear, I hope you have good insurance. Might not be a bad idea to stock up on fire extinguishers either.

 

[tribdog]

You know, he promised he'd stay out of trouble while I was away. Apparently the moment I turn my back, he forgets that.

I agree with Evo, generally turning the oven to "clean" before putting food in it is a pretty big red flag for most, but I have to disagree with her that the first red flag should have popped up for you at step 4. I think you should have stopped at step 3...nothing good can come of your attempts to eat ham, you should know this by now. Ham doesn't seem to be in your future.

I'm surprised you could even open the oven after putting it on clean. Most I've run into automatically lock, although I never understood why that was necessary. Now I know.

yeah, I might have exagerrated the "clean" bit, I just turned it all the way up. The numbers are worn off of the dial so whatever the top notch is is where I put it.
My Uncle is a hunter, I had dinner at his house once and I ate bear.

 

[tribdog]

Moonbear, I hope you have good insurance. Might not be a bad idea to stock up on fire extinguishers either.

Did you know fire extinguishers kill people every year? I don't know how many, but I guess it is easy to suffocate, since that is what they do.
On a side note, I've always wanted to start a non-profit organization that sells fire extinguishers at a discount. Every house should have at least one. being non-profit you could get fire departments, local news stations etc to get the word out and have donations and government aid to help get the price down. Plus as president of the company I get to set my salary at a comfortable level.

 

[Moonbear]

Did you know fire extinguishers kill people every year? I don't know how many, but I guess it is easy to suffocate, since that is what they do.

You're supposed to aim the fire extinguisher at the fire, not at other people. I have my one fire extinguisher, but I think Evo is right, I should stock up before you visit me. I'm not going to let you anywhere near the kitchen or garage or furnace or...oh heck, you're just going to have to stay tied to the bed, it's the only place I can think of where you can't get to any sources of ignition. I should stick labels on your oven similar to the quick settings on microwaves: 250 - reheat; 325 - roast; 350 - bake cookies; anything above 400 - danger! Only for experienced cooks.

 

[tribdog]

I tried putting labels on the stove, but they caught on fire and burned my cabinets.

 

[Moonbear]

I tried putting labels on the stove, but they caught on fire and burned my cabinets.

I meant the control knobs on the stove, not on the stove itself. You sound just like the guy next to me in my freshman chemistry lab. Somehow, he always set fire to whatever we were doing. I started working very close to the person on the OTHER side of me. Everyone else in the class felt sorry for me, but I know they were secretly very happy we were assigned workstations because they never had to work next to the pyromaniac.

 

[tribdog]

I tried labeling the knobs once too, but I got the numbers backwards and when I tried to bake a loaf of bread it got froze instead.

 

[motai]

I should stick labels on your oven similar to the quick settings on microwaves: 250 - reheat; 325 - roast; 350 - bake cookies; anything above 400 - danger! Only for experienced cooks.

That will just encourage him to crank it up to >400!