Impact of significant other on a career

causalset

So I am finishing a physics paper that I am about to post on the web. Much of this paper involves the very same issue I have been thinking about in 2008 when my then-girlfriend, Jennifer, was trying to get me to participate in a dance class. I distinctly remember being in that dance class, trying very hard to guess how a certain equation will look like -- since obviously i was not allowed to simply pull out a piece of paper and do it -- all the while jennifer was getting more and more angry with me for not participating. This was just one of many differnt things I was doing, so eventually I had to put it on hold, only to come back to it now. But one thing I keep wondering about is that, if it wasn't for that dance class, perhaps i would have been able to submit it back then, not right now. By the way, me and Jennifer have broken up in 2009. But still, perhaps I could have been more productive during the two years I was seeing her.

This brings me to mention another girl, Anne, whom I met back in 2005 (three years BEFORE that dance class). She was also graduate student (just like both myself and jennifer were). But in her case I don't remember any conflicts between relationship and studies. On the contrary, she invited me to study together so i was working on physics, she was working on math, and we were sitting by each other. In fact, she was the one girl I actually liked -- as opposed to all the other girls i have simply been ''settling'' on. Unfortunately she turned me down. So I am now thinking that perhaps if I didn't mess it up with Anne, I would have been with HER all these years, then Jennifer (whom I met 2 years later) wouldn't have been part of the equation, and then my career would have been so much better.

But then again perhaps the reason Anne was so nice is exactly because we were not officially together, so the expectations were not as high. I mean, with Jennifer it took like 9 months before she became so demanding (I mean it pretty much started with dance class and dance class was 9 months into relationsihp). So it is ''conceivable'' that if I were to successfully date Anne she could start to become more demanding a year into relationship as well, who knows. But then again, from the 3 weeks i know Anne I would bet it wouldn't have been the case. I have actually contacted Anne this year and we only had few email exchanges and it stoped; her reasons were that she was busy studying. Well i know ''i am busy'' is a way of syaing ''i don't like you''. But then the other part of me thinks what if she was in fact busy; in this case it would mean that i would have perfect time academic-wise were i to date her.

It is also possible that my sense of time is subjective. I mean dance class was only taking up like 2 hours or so, while i was doing my physics all the time until then. But time seems to go ''fast'' when i do physics. Thats why it seemed like ''okay here is one little thing i need to get done, it is so small i will surely finish it today''. But then after only a ''very short'' period of time i am like ''damn it, now i have to go to the dance class''. But perhaps that ''very short'' time wasn't that short after all, in which case the two hours of dance class wouldn't have helped me anyway.

But then again even if timewise dance class wasn't taking that long, all the fights that came because of it probably did. So, regardless of time, the general point is that Anne had a lot more positive attitude towards my studying than Jennifer did. But then again, who knows what would have happened a year into relationship.

So what do you guys reckon? Do you think I would have been more productive if I were to be able to date anne in 2005 and stay with her throughout all the years that followed?

Office_Shredder

Anne got married in 2007 and ended up murdering her husband with an axe and burying his body pieces in the backyard.

Biosyn

I have no idea if that's true, but if it is I want to know more

Office_Shredder

It's pure speculation, but that's all we can really do with this thread. It's impossible to take one person's word on the quality of a short relationship seven years ago and extrapolate how their academic career would be affected over a decade long period

Evo

The message here is don't compromise your career goals for a relationship. If the relationship is good, you shouldn't be putting aside what is important (education and career).

Monique

Why would you care? Don't dwell in the past, what are you going to do now to be productive? And I think in life relationships and work needs to be balanced, so you'll always have to do some compromises.

nucleargirl

From my own experience, when I am with someone, and something goes wrong in my career, I have the tendency to blame it on their presence in my life. but I don't think its their fault, I think without them I would have behaved in a similar way. If I am more productive when I am not in a relationship then perhaps its because I have more alone time to use on studies. Either way its my own choice and I cannot blame anyone else for my decisions.

Come on, one dance class is like what, 2 hours? Thats not gonna make a difference to your paper. And if you postponed the paper cos you were arguing with your gf... then thats your decision, you can't blame her for it! it takes two to argue and your paper is your own responsibility.

For me, I can't manage my time effectively when I am in a relationship to do all the things I want for my career as well. so I have decided to concentrate on one at a time now. Its my own problem that I cant juggle both.