Math jokes

arcnets

A party of people travel in a hot-air balloon. The balloon is blown out to sea, and after many days, land comes into sight again. When floating over the coastline, they see a man walking along a path. One of them shouts: 'Hello! Where exactly are we?'

The wanderer looks up, scratches his head, and thinks for some time. Then he shouts: 'You're in the gondola of a hot-air balloon!'

That must have been a mathematician. Because:
1) He thought a long time before giving an answer.
2) The answer is absolutely correct.
3) The answer is absolutely useless.

Greg Bernhardt

A mathematician organized a raffle in which the prize was advertised as an
infinite amount of money. He sold all the tickets quickly. When the winning
ticket was drawn, and the happy winner came to claim his prize, the
mathematician explained the mode of payment:
1 dollar now, 1/2 a dollar next week, 1/3 a dollar the week after that...

arcnets

Problem 1: You have a pot full of water. It's on the right-hand side of the oven. Make it boil.

Engineer: Put it on the oven.
Physicist: Put it on the oven.
Mathematician: Put it on the oven.

Problem 2: You have a pot full of water. It's on the left-hand side of the oven. Make it boil.

Engineer: Put it on the oven.
Physicist: Put it on the oven.
Mathematician: We move the pot to the right-hand side and, in doing so, reduce the problem to one we have already solved...

Tom Mattson

A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician were given the following simple task:

Given a length L of fence, build a pen that encloses the maximum area.

The physicist knew the well-known result of calculus of variations that a circle maximizes the area, so he set up a circular pen.

The engineer was conscious of all the production costs, including R&D time, so he didn't bother with the math and simply set up a square pen.

The mathematician wrapped the fence tightly around himself, and said "I define myself to be on the outside".

Tom Mattson

Engineers think that equations approximate reality.
Physicists think that reality approximates equations.
Mathematicians have yet to make any connection between the two.

Integral

A Topologist is a mathmatician who cannot tell the difference between his morning cup of coffee and his donut.

quartodeciman

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician applied for a job requiring computational skill. The test question was "What is 2 times 2?"

The engineer pulled out a slide rule {this is an old joke!} and replied "3.998".
The physicist used a scientific handheld calculator and came up with "3.99999998 x 10⁰".
The mathematician answered "I don't know the value, but I can prove it exists and that it is unique."

plus

Then the accountant walked over to the door closed it and sat back down. Quietly he asked "What do you want it to be?".

Tail

This legend, the truth of which is not necessarily related to
its value, concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the
University of Copenhagen: "Describe how to determine the height
of a skyscraper with a barometer."

One student replied: "Tie a long piece of string to the neck
of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the
skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the
length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the
student was failed immediately.

He appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably
correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter
to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was
indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge
of physics.

To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in
and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer
which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic
principles of physics.

For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased
in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running
out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely
relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use.

On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the
skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it
takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then
be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad
luck on the barometer.

"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the
barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its
shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow,
and thereafter it is simple matter of proportional arithmetic
to work out the height of the skyscraper.

"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could
tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like
a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the
skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the
gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sq root(l / g).

"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it
would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the
skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.

"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of
course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pres-
sure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and
convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the
height of the building.

"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise inde-
pendence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly
the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say
to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give
you this one if you tell me the height of this building'."

The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel
prize for Physics.

Adam

There are only 10 types of people in the world: programmers, and those who don't get it.

quartodeciman

Ha! Ha! Right! He got the job, because it was an auditing position.
Thanks,

Mr. Robin Parsons

Three (3) statisticians were out duck hunting, and a duck took off, right it front of them.

The first Statistician fired at a duck and was ahead of it by 15%, the second Statistician fired off a quick follow up, and was behind the duck by 15%, the third Statistician dropped his calculator and screamed "WE GOT IT!"

Sting

Let |[ee]| < 0

quartodeciman

That is really very funny! [a)]
I would like to see some fabulous conclusion made from an antecedent like this-- like those sneaky, covert divide-by-zero conclusions,
e.g.1=2.

enigma

I don't get it.

Sting

Note the absolute value sign. Is there ever a negative absolute value?

plus

I understood that. My problem was that I didn't think that it was funny. It is just something which does not make sense.