The discussion revolves around a college transfer essay, focusing on the author's motivations for transferring, their academic interests in biology, and how they plan to pursue their professional goals. Participants provide feedback on the essay's content, structure, and emotional tone, as well as suggestions for improvement.
Participants generally agree on the need for improvement in the essay, but there is no consensus on the best approach to achieve this. Multiple viewpoints on how to enhance the essay's effectiveness remain present.
Some participants note that the essay's emotional tone may need adjustment, and there are unresolved questions about how best to balance personal narrative with academic focus.
Students seeking feedback on college transfer essays, individuals interested in biology programs, and those looking for advice on how to effectively communicate academic motivations in writing.
EternityMech said:1.85? isn't that really bad?
UIUC is the most important among schools I am applying to, as it is clear that UIUC has numerous advantages over many other schools in my field of study. The general atmosphere and the praise-worthy academic facilities had completely won me over.
Without hesitation, I knew what I wanted to do. I decided to take heed to my grandmother's words, and in fact light one small candle rather than complain, and do something about cancer. I've always had a vast interest in biology, in fact, volunteer work at my high school lab, and community service work at a local forest preserve helped fuel the interest. As time went on with my grandmother, and close friends becoming infected with cancer, I knew I wanted to research the cause and help fight it. The wide variety of courses in the undergraduate biology curriculum, taught by world-renown scholars reassures me that there is no other university better than UIUC for me to begin my fight against cancer. The Cellular and Molecular biology program perfectly matches my academic and professional goals of deepening my knowledge of cells and molecules. With plenty of self research, and a challenging Oakton Community College biology course, I learned much about the world of cells, and decided to contribute myself to help abolish cancer.
Johnyi said:I hope my revision is better, I cut out a lot of stuff and focused in on my interests.
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Essay: In an essay of 300 words or less, explain your motivation to transfer from your current/previous institution and how your academic interests and/or professional goals will be fulfilled in your intended program of study.
My grandmother, who had been diagnosed with bladder cancer last year, had once told me that, “It is better to light one small candle, then to complain about the darkness”. To fight the feeling of helplessness, I knew what I wanted to do. I decided to take heed to my grandmother's words, and in fact light one small candle, and do something about cancer. I've always had a vast interest in biology; in fact, volunteer work at my high school lab, and community service work at a local forest preserve helped fuel the interest. Molecular and Cellular biology at UIUC, a major not offered at my local community college, offers research opportunities and education on the health and functional aspect of biology that can be rarely found anywhere else. It is obvious the school of Molecular and Cellular biology at UIUC can offer what no other school can. The wide variety of research fields and types of research offered at UIUC reassures me that there is no other university better than UIUC for me to begin my fight against cancer. The research of Molecular Immunology perfectly matches my academic and professional goals of deepening my knowledge of cells and molecules. My learning interests are directly connected with Professor David M. Kranz, a Biochemistry professor at UIUC who specializes with Molecular Immunology. The idea that Professor Kranz delivers on how mammals can eliminate foreign antigens like tumors and viruses, without destroying self antigens like our own body tissues matches my interests perfectly. Numerous visits to UIUC allowed me to interact with like-minded and service-minded people like myself, as the general atmosphere and the praise-worthy academic facilities had completely won me over. As my thirst for knowledge within molecular and cellular biology grows, so does my hope to begin my work of helping others with cancer at a professional level.
Johnyi said:Does anyone else feel as if mentioning a specific professor within the university is kind of "trying too hard?" I know i can't take to account what everyone is saying... But i let a friend read my paper and she said there's too much going on, and that i look too desperate with mentioning the specific professior. And that i should try to keep it general.
My grandmother, who was diagnosed with bladder cancer last year, once told me that, “It is better to light one small candle than to complain about the darkness.” To fight the feeling of helplessness, I figured out what I wanted to do. I decided to heed my grandmother's words, to light one small candle, and do something about cancer. I've always had a vast interest in biology; in fact, I volunteered at my high school lab, and did community service work at a local forest preserve helped fuel my interest. UIUC offers a major in molecular and cellular biology, and offers research and educational opportunities that would be hard to top. The wide variety of research fields and the breadth of research offered at UIUC reassures me that there is no other university better than UIUC for me to begin my fight against cancer. The research in Molecular Immunology perfectly matches my goals of deepening my knowledge of cells and molecules. My learning interests are directly connected with Professor David M. Kranz. <The theory that Professor Kranz delivers on how mammals can eliminate foreign antigens like tumors and viruses, without destroying self-antigens, matches my interests perfectly.>1 Numerous visits to UIUC have allowed me to interact with like-minded and service-minded people, and the praise-worthy academic facilities, and the general atmosphere have completely won me over. As my thirst for knowledge grows, so does my hope to begin my work of helping others with cancer.
1. Please consider replacing this with a more specific statement on HOW this fits your interests. Do you think that there could be a more holistic approach to cancer therapies using the body's own coping mechanisms?
nlsherrill said:I don't have too much time to critique at the moment, but I can say that you should definitely think about changing the first sentence. Maybe something like this, I think, sounds better:
When I was growing up, my grandmother always told me "It is better to light one small candle than to complain about the darkness.” It came as startling news that just last year she was diagnosed with bladder cancer. I decided to heed my grandmother's words, to light one small candle, and do something about cancer...
I just think starting off the first sentence saying something about cancer doesn't sound good. But hey, that's just one opinion.
Johnyi said:I have 307 words, limit is 300. Anyone care to help me cut it down to 300?
When I was growing up, my grandmother always told me, "It is better to light one small candle than to complain about the darkness.” It came as startling news that just last year she was diagnosed with bladder cancer. I decided to heed my grandmother's words, to light one small candle, and do something about cancer. I've always had a vast interest in biology; in fact, volunteer work at my high school lab, and community service at a local forest preserve helped fuel the interest.
Molecular and Cellular Biology at UIUC, a major not offered at my community college, offers research opportunities and education on the health and functional aspect of biology that can rarely be found anywhere else. The wide variety of research fields and types of research offered like Immunology and Drug Discovery, reassures me that there is no other university better than UIUC for me to begin my fight against cancer. The research of Molecular Immunology perfectly matches my academic and professional goals of deepening my knowledge of cells and molecules. Professor David M. Kranz, a Biochemistry professor at UIUC who specializes in Molecular Immunology, is researching the theory on how mammals can eliminate foreign antigens like tumors and viruses without destroying self antigens like our own body tissues, which matches my interests perfectly. Such research provides hope that I will contribute to the reputation of UIUC, while fulfilling my own goals in the process.
Numerous visits to UIUC allowed me to interact with like-minded and service-minded people, and the general atmosphere and the admirable academic facilities had completely won me over. As my thirst for knowledge within molecular and cellular biology grows, so does my hope to be a part of the student body at UIUC and its extracurricular activities, and to possibly have the honor to call myself an “alumni” of UIUC.
, and to possibly have the honor to call myself an “alumni” of UIUC.