View Full Version : Post Funny One-Liners Here
loseyourname
Apr1-04, 11:00 PM
Jokes, insults, whatever. Let's see what you've got.
one_raven
Apr1-04, 11:48 PM
"Christians- Can't live with 'em...
Can't feed 'em to the lions anymore."
-Bumper Sticker
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
[Norm Crosby???]
angelical_kitten
Apr1-04, 11:57 PM
ouch. that hurt. but i'll live.
some of my favorite one-liners:
a) a truly wise man does not play leapfrog with a unicorn.
b) accept that some days, you're the pigeon, and some days, you're the statue.
c) a seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.
d) frogs have it easy; they can eat what bugs them.
e) the idea in life is to die young as late as possible.
Macgyver
Apr2-04, 12:06 AM
Love is a matter of chemistry, but sex is a matter of physics.
Ivan Seeking
Apr2-04, 12:56 AM
“Every morning I get up and read the obituaries...if I'm not mentioned I get dressed”. - George Burns
Okay really that's a two liner so I cheated.
“My wife is so skinny that she has to run back and forth in the shower just to get wet.” - Dean Martin's uncle.
“If we can send a man to the moon then why don't we send all of them?” - Tsunami
“Today in Fairbanks, Alaska, researchers discovered a superconductor that operates at room temperature”. - unknown
Half of everything Njorl says.
The trouble with the French is that they don't have a word for "entrepreneur". - George Bush
There was a bad five car pile up on the I-5 this morning. Three people were killed; two seriously. - From a radio news report.
During a professional baseball game, the radio announcer comments on a young couple, apparently newlyweds, that displayed an unusual amount of affection during the game. He continues...I guess they are cheering for opposite teams because he kisses her on the strikes and she kisses him on the balls. – From “Pardon my Blooper”
The electron is not as simple as it looks. - (William) Lawrence Bragg, British Physicist(1890-1971)
“The Americans invaders have been driven back” – The Iraqi spokesman, Baghdad Bob, who was speaking as the U.S. tanks pulled up in front of his hotel.
What would chairs look like if people’s knees bent the other way?
Point_Particle
Apr2-04, 01:02 AM
"In a world without fences, who needs Gates?" - I don't know where this came from.
If brains were made of gasoline, you wouldn't have enough to get a pissant's go-cart around the inside of a Fruit Loop. (author unknown)
The sun don't shine on one dog's a$$ all the time. (my dad)
Life is hard, but life is harder when you're dumb. (Austin City Lounge Lizards)
Ivan Seeking
Apr2-04, 02:10 AM
ya its tough when you come from the shallow end of the gene pool.
Do not piss in our pool for we do not swim in your toilet bowl.
Matthew Perry (Chandler Bing)
Friends
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Isn't it scary that the word "therapist" is the same as the words "the" and "rapist" put together?
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
good point....
The dyslexic insomniac stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
The trouble with the French is that they don't have a word for "entrepreneur". - George Bush
Really? :eek: :rolleyes: omg
Yes!! He actually said that!! :eek:
edit: this is one of my favorites. We'll call this two one-liners. :smile:
Walter Mondale: George Bush doesn't have the manhood to apologize.
Bush: Well, on the manhood thing, I'll put mine up against his any time. :eek:
Ivan Seeking
Apr2-04, 02:34 PM
Really? :eek: :rolleyes: omg
Tsu's father sent me the newspaper clipping from the Portland paper. We have it on the refrigerator.
momma, don't let your cowboys grow up to be babies....
silly cowboy, trucks are for girls....
(no, i am not into the cowboy scene, but these are bumper stickers I saw that cracked me up)
Driver has no cash, he is married.
good point....
The dyslexic insomniac stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.You forgot, it's the atheist, dyslexic, insomniac that was up all night wondering if there really was a dog...you BLEW it!!!
"I hear voices...and they don't like you" a bumper sticker
"If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?" - Scott Adams (1957 - )
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." - Dan Quayle (1947 - )
"God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday." - Sir William Bragg (1862 - 1942)
"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons." - Woody Allen (1935 - )
"Lying increases the creative faculties, expands the ego, and lessens the frictions of social contacts." - Clare Booth Luce (1903 - 1987)
You forgot, it's the atheist, dyslexic, insomniac that was up all night wondering if there really was a dog...you BLEW it!!!
I stíll don't get it..
I'm not illiterate, I know who my daddy is.
I stíll don't get it..
oh wait.. i think i'm starting to get it now.. :eek:
it's late.. :tongue:
You forgot, it's the atheist, dyslexic, insomniac that was up all night wondering if there really was a dog...you BLEW it!!!
Nope. Athiests believe there is no god, that's why they wouldn't wonder. :rolleyes:
A mixed feeling is when you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
The height of conceit is having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
The definition of macho is jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Divorce is so expensive because it's worth it.
Its hard to believe he beat 1 million other sperm
A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than a normal one
He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle
Birds of a feather flock together and then crap on your car.
When I am feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
If you cannot be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
If you think there is good in everybody, you have not met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he is really in trouble.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it is open.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth!
The difference between butt-kissing and brown-nosing is depth perception.
As you can tell, I love one-liners!!!! :smile:
Oh yeah, what about the dyslexic devil-worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?
adrenaline
Apr2-04, 05:57 PM
Part political, part funny
"I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute."
Rebecca West (1892-1983)
"Mr. Chesterton in hysterics," The Clarion, November 14, 1913
When I am feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.:
That's funny.
You forgot, it's the atheist, dyslexic, insomniac that was up all night wondering if there really was a dog...you BLEW it!!!
I think it's actually an agnostic dyslexic insomniac. :biggrin:
- Warren
I think it's actually an agnostic dyslexic insomniac. :biggrin:
- WarrenI couldn't remember which it was, but you're right. :biggrin: Without either it just made no sense.
I think it's actually an agnostic dyslexic insomniac. :biggrin:
Now that makes sense.
The height of conceit is having an orgasm and calling out your own name
That's a beauty, I have to try that sometime and see what the girl's reaction is :biggrin:
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
Man with hole in pocket feels cocky all day.
- Warren
Imparcticle
Apr2-04, 06:51 PM
I heard this from a 4 year old boy:
He was irritating a young lady by attempting to bite her. She said, "OH! you're so bad!!" :mad:
And he replied "No, I'm christian! haha!" :biggrin:
too funny!
I heard this from a 4 year old boy:
He was irritating a young lady by attempting to bite her. She said, "OH! you're so bad!!" :mad:
And he replied "No, I'm christian! haha!" :biggrin:
too funny!
hey i usually bite ppl but only try to be friendly,
Jenn_ucsb
Apr2-04, 08:39 PM
You forgot, it's the atheist, dyslexic, insomniac that was up all night wondering if there really was a dog...you BLEW it!!!
Ah, you blew it too. Its an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac.
one_raven
Apr2-04, 08:46 PM
Another bumper sticker:
"Jesus may love you, but everyone else thinks you're an a$$hole"
angelical_kitten
Apr2-04, 10:01 PM
a) new scientific evidence proves the world DOES revolve around me.
b) my imaginary friend thinks you have serious problems.
c) 7/5ths of all people do not understand fractions.
d) a camel is a horse designed by a committee.
e) friends will help you move, good friends will help you bury the bodies.
f) algebra was easy for the romans because "X" was always 10.
g) bacteria: the only culture some people have.
Ivan Seeking
Apr2-04, 10:09 PM
If you remain calm and collected while those around you lose their heads, obviously they know something you don't.
There are old pilots and there are bold pilots, but there are no old bold pilots.
From United Nuclear's supply website: "Ingesting radioactive material is something we recommended you avoid no matter how good it may taste to you"
Ah, you blew it too. Its an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac.Yeah, I know I blew it, BUT an atheist could also doubt that they were right, so an atheist can also work in the joke. Hey I was multi-tasking when I wrote that. :tongue:
cookiemonster
Apr2-04, 10:49 PM
"Jenn_ucsb"? Does that mean you go to UC Santa Barbara? My brother goes there.
cookiemonster
hypnagogue
Apr3-04, 12:10 AM
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.
If you're an archeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it's not a skull but just an old dried-out potato.
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
- Deep Thought by Jack Handey
one_raven
Apr3-04, 01:33 AM
I LOVE Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey! :biggrin:
I LOVE Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey! :biggrin:
Me 2!! :biggrin: He's been a favorite of Ivan's and mine for years.
I stole one of Jack Handy's jokes and regularly use it as my own. The one about being told to stay away from the other side of the tracks, that the other side of the tracks is the bad part of town. But one day going across the tracks and noticing that the houses were actually pretty nice. If fact they were a lot nicer than the ones on his side.
one_raven
Apr3-04, 03:13 AM
That reminds me of a Joke by (I think it was) Geechy Guy. He said something like:
"My mother always warned me about taking the bus. She said there is always ONE weirdo on the bus. But I could never find him."
1.if u are under a bed that is upside down, r u under the bed?
2.If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
3.anyone noes wat are therapist? r they "the rapist"?
4.Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isnt for you. :) i like that one!
Hey! who are you? How did you get in here? Ow! No! Ow! Please! Stop stabbing me! I'll do whatever you want! Why are you doing this to me? For the love of God please stop I can't take anymore!
I crack up everytime I hear that.
Imparcticle
Apr3-04, 09:11 PM
My friend was wearing this shirt once:
"If you're cute, I'm single"
Oh, the dedication....(*sarcastic*)
A t-shirt on a girl
"you're a bad boy, go to my room"
some insulting one-liners...
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
and this one could come in handy if you go to a modern art convention and want to be unpopular:
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
That is so brutal! :eek:
If a man is alone in the woods, is he still wrong?
if u r lost in a desert, but u dont care, then u are not lost.
That is so brutal! :eek:
:biggrin:
If a man is alone in the woods, is he still wrong?
If a tree falls in the woods and hits a mime, does anyone care? - Gary Larson
The_Professional
Apr6-04, 06:09 PM
Is your dad a terrorist? coz baby you are the bomb
do you believe in love at first sight or
do i have to walk by again?
The last time i had this much fun, the doctors said i wouldnt pull through
Last time i had sex, it was so good even the neighbours had a cigarette!
Half of everything Njorl says.
Damn! Only about a third is supposed to be funny.
Ivan Seeking
Apr7-04, 02:31 PM
Okay now I'm confused...were you being funny or is this the 1:6 parts currently in dispute?
Ivan Seeking
Apr7-04, 02:45 PM
I should add that Zooby's one liners are often legendary as well.
Of course then there are his 2 liners, 10 liners, 20 liners...
There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.
-- a friend of a friend
I always preferred the outdoor life…hunting…shooting….fishing…getting out there with a gun and slaughtering a few of God’s creatures.
-- Monty Python
I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.
-- Steve Martin
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
-- Mark Twain
A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
-- Douglas Adams
someone quoted a Dan Quayle gaff...here's another couple of his gems...
It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
Space is almost infinite. As a matter of fact, we think it is infinite.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
The_Professional
Apr7-04, 07:05 PM
I took the initiative in creating the Internet
-Al Gore
books are cool. I thought they were just lumps of wood but then i opened one. So full of information. - my mate.
Imparcticle
Apr9-04, 12:24 PM
A t-shirt on a girl
"you're a bad boy, go to my room"
some insulting one-liners...
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
and this one could come in handy if you go to a modern art convention and want to be unpopular:
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
Haha! Jeez Jimmy P! You're like a walking one liner encyclopedia! Seriously do you have like a hundered memorized or something?
Ivan Seeking
Apr9-04, 06:01 PM
As far as superstions go, I'm Aquarius and we don't believe in stuff like that. -tribdog
Loren Booda
Apr9-04, 06:10 PM
Please do not throw cigarettes in the pissoir - it makes them hard to light.
Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy, wealthy, and dead.
- James Thurber
Haha! Jeez Jimmy P! You're like a walking one liner encyclopedia! Seriously do you have like a hundered memorized or something?
In my every day life i need all the one liners i can get. Amusing/insulting people stops me committing mass murder.
Ivan Seeking
Apr10-04, 04:53 PM
I'm 31 years old, my favorite color is blue, and my turn-ons include long walks on the beach, candlelight dinners, and jello wrestling. - Tom Mattson
tribdog
Apr10-04, 05:47 PM
I won't come in your mouth
jimmy p
Apr10-04, 07:52 PM
I won't come in your mouth
a promise that is so hard to keep....
my old signature.... "what am i, flypaper for freaks??"
"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines"
"I like cats too, lets exchange recipes."
"I like cats too, lets exchange recipes."
jimmy, you stinker! I laughed so hard not only did I cry, but I dang near wet my pants!! :eek: :biggrin:
The other two (your sig and the 'weasel' one) are two of MY favorites of yours. :wink:
jimmy p
Apr11-04, 06:32 PM
awww poor Tsu, i shouldnt invoke any bladder problems... but (hopefully) i will... with a few insults n' such
It's hard to believe that you beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg.
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Bumper Sticker:
Horn broken, watch for finger...
When you were born you were so ugly that the doctor slapped your Mama...
Ivan Seeking
Apr13-04, 02:51 PM
I saw this sign yesterday in a business supplies store.
Unattended children will be captured and sold into slavery.
When I was a kid, the guy who ran the local liquor store/ food mart use to tell me this:
I could have been your father but the dog beat me over the fence
Ivan Seeking
Apr14-04, 03:38 PM
The last time someone listened to a Bush they wandered around the desert for the next forty years.
jamesrc
Apr14-04, 04:29 PM
Do not piss in our pool for we do not swim in your toilet bowl.
Matthew Perry (Chandler Bing)
Friends
Along those lines, I once had a problem with random people eating their lunch at my desk while I was elsewhere in the lab. So I left a sign on my desk that said:
"I don't sleep in your kitchen, so don't eat on my desk."
Unfortunately, I think I was the only one who thought that was funny.
Oh goodie,,, we're doing cats now :)
Cat, the other white meat
Anyone up for a little game of Wiffle Kitty?
Loren Booda
Apr14-04, 11:32 PM
I'm on a no-CARB diet: no-Cheney, Ashcroft, Rumsfeld, Bush
Lorider
Apr15-04, 11:14 AM
Sign at a local bar:
"Liquor in the front, Poker in the rear"
Not a Hallmark card but a card that an old girl friend sent me a long time ago...
Friends may come and friends may go and friends may peter out you know,,, but peter out or peter in we'll be friends through thick and thin...
tribdog
Apr18-04, 01:13 AM
"Oh no! I've lost my electron!" said the little hydrogen atom.
"Are you sure?" I asked.
"Yes, I'm positive!"
jimmy p
Apr18-04, 04:43 PM
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
Ivan Seeking
Apr19-04, 04:49 AM
As reported at least, then President Ronald Regan's first words to the ER Docs - just after Reagan had been shot in an assasination attempt [approx]: "I hope you're all Republicans"
Ivan Seeking
Apr20-04, 12:48 AM
Some may remember the incident in which the black [as was said back then] comedian Richard Pryor inadvertently ignited his hair while trying to make or smoke crack cocaine...or similar. With his hair on fire he ran out of the building and down the street in a panic. Although he was seriously injured in this terrible episode, after recovering and when asked about the experience Pryor responded, "You can't believe how fast white people get out of the way when a black man is running down the street screaming with his hair on fire!"
Imparcticle
Apr20-04, 06:58 PM
"Oh no! I've lost my electron!" said the little hydrogen atom.
"Are you sure?" I asked.
"Yes, I'm positive!"
But what if there are still more electrons than protons? :rolleyes:
Imparcticle
Apr20-04, 06:59 PM
anyone have a one-liner to say when someone accuses you of thinking you know everything?
jimmy p
Apr20-04, 07:17 PM
I'm trying to think of one but in the mean time here are some sporting one-liners that i dug up to keep y'all amused!!
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body" (Winston Bennett)
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical" (Murray Walker)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" (Greg Norman)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious" (Alan Minter)
"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball" (John Francombe)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" (Terry Venables)
"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better." (Ron Atkinson)
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces." (Ron Atkinson)
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977)
"Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres." (David Coleman)
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." (Metro radio)
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw." (Ron Atkinson)
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." (David Acfield)
"What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay in football?" (Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live )
tribdog
Apr23-04, 08:27 AM
anyone have a one-liner to say when someone accuses you of thinking you know everything?
Yes, compared to you I guess it does look like I know everything.
I don't know everything. For example I have no idea why you feel worthy enough to talk to me.
Don't accuse me of thinking I know everything. I've never accused you of thinking you know anything.
I don't know everything, for example, I don't know why your mom doesn't charge more than $10 for those fabulous blow jobs.
Loren Booda
Apr23-04, 11:09 AM
If the Pope is celibate, why is he so obsessed with a woman's private parts?
The best thing about you is that you're not here...
Les Sleeth
Apr23-04, 10:30 PM
I don't know everything, for example, I don't know why your mom doesn't charge more than $10 for those fabulous blow jobs.
That's just evil. How did you find out anyway?
I don't know everything, but I do know where to find a dog without legs . . . right where I left him.
I also know what to call my boomerang that doesn't work . . . a stick.
The one thing I don't know is what to do with this penquin I found. A cop saw me carrying him and asked why. I said "well, he kept following me around and got tired, so I thought I'd give him a rest." The cop said, "why don't you take him to the zoo?" To me, that seemed like a great idea, so I did.
Later when the cop saw me carrying my penquin friend again I couldn't understand why he asked me, "Hey, I thought you were taking that penquin to the zoo!!!!!"
I explained the obvious, "I did, and he liked it so much now I'm taking him to the movies."
BLUE_CHIP
Apr24-04, 05:03 AM
Not really a one liner but funny anyway..
Chancellor of the Exchequer: Mr. Speaker in that case I say that one half of this house are asses.
Speaker: Sir, I demand that you retract your statement.
Chancellor of the Exchequer : In that case Mr. Speaker I say that one half of this house are not asses.
Chi Meson
Apr26-04, 11:02 AM
Cat, the other white meat
Hmm. Mine was all red inside.
Chi Meson
Apr26-04, 11:04 AM
I worked hard to make this a "one-liner." Note the semi-colon:
Here in Connecticut there is no helmet law; consequently, ER staff have a special name for motorcyclists: doners.
tribdog
Apr26-04, 04:14 PM
I worked hard to make this a "one-liner." Note the semi-colon:
Here in Connecticut there is no helmet law; consequently, ER staff have a special name for motorcyclists: doners.
good job. punctuation is funny.
My mom got her stomach stapled to help her lose weight, now she has a semi-colon.
I worked hard to make this a "one-liner." Note the semi-colon:
Here in Connecticut there is no helmet law; consequently, ER staff have a special name for motorcyclists: doners.
That's assuming there's enough left of them to BE a donor. We had a couple of delightful shrieking 'mushroom boys' in last night that I would have liked to have made donors. Sure wish I'd had my videocam to tape those kids - just to hand them the tape as they walk out the door after we've brought them down from their screaming, thrashing, violent, biting (yes, they DO try to bite us) 'trips'. One viewing might convince them that they really did act that way (they don't remember a thing!)!! :frown: :mad:
Our ER moto is: Ride a motorcycle, become a donor.
Some years ago, someone in our ER made up a little 'poster' after a particulary nasty 'combo': They took a picture of a pile of hamburger and wrote a caption: "This is your body on drugs and alcohol after thinking you are Al Unser on your wedding night and climbing into your Corvette with your bride to start your honeymoon." (We all cried a LOT that night. :frown:)
Chi Meson
Apr27-04, 11:03 AM
Aw, Jeez. Wasn't meant to be a downer!
Here's a better one:
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three left turns do.
jimmy p
Apr27-04, 11:10 AM
Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Aw, Jeez. Wasn't meant to be a downer!
Yeah, you're right. Sorry. Sometimes I have a sucky downer job. :frown:
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. :eek:
hitssquad
Apr28-04, 11:45 AM
Some may remember the incident in which the black [as was said back then] comedian Richard Pryor inadvertently ignited his hair while trying to make or smoke crack cocaine...or similar. With his hair on fire he ran out of the building and down the street in a panic. Although he was seriously injured in this terrible episode, after recovering and when asked about the experience Pryor responded, "You can't believe how fast white people get out of the way when a black man is running down the street screaming with his hair on fire!"Crack (http://www.a1b2c3.com/drugs/coc05.htm) was developed partly to address the problem of people catching on fire while trying to smoke (traditionally derived, which involves using ethyl ether) freebase cocaine. Pryor was freebasing, not smoking crack.
Les Sleeth
Apr29-04, 01:21 PM
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if you're sick is that a good idea?
jimmy p
Apr29-04, 01:25 PM
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
quddusaliquddus
Apr30-04, 07:17 AM
"Momma get the hammer, daddys got a fly on his head"
[Country-Song Name - on CNBC]
anyone have a one-liner to say when someone accuses you of thinking you know everything?
Take no illusions, I'm full of confusions.
(Cairpre the bard)
I use that one a lot, but it tends to make people think you're smarter. Because of the rhyming and all. Maybe it'll work better for you than me.
Chaos. Disorder. Widespread panic. My work is done here.
OK, this thread cant die yet... here are some one liners about the meaning of life....
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk, that's the time to do it.
Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
No one is listening until you break wind.
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Give a man a fish! and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works!
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Never miss a good chance to shut up
We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our arse.... then things get worse.
Sorry that most of them are "two liners"
OK, this thread cant die yet...
Just WHAT are you implying about MY one-liner? Well! Some people these days! Despite the factthat yours are funnier than mine, that doesn't mean that you can just walk all over it!!!
:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:
Chaos. Disorder. Widespread panic. My work is done here.
Averagesupernova
May6-04, 09:28 PM
Yo mama is so stupid she sold the car for gas money.
Yo mama is so fat she stepped on the dogs tail and now we call it 'beaver'.
I haven't had this much fun since my little brother got eaten by the pigs.
Technically the yo mamas belong in a thread of their own, but what they hey. Thread of there own, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....
Just WHAT are you implying about MY one-liner? Well! Some people these days! Despite the factthat yours are funnier than mine, that doesn't mean that you can just walk all over it!!!
:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:
Chaos. Disorder. Widespread panic. My work is done here.
I was implying anything i swear!!!! :wink: it's just that the thread was right at the bottom of the page and I feared it would be lost for good unless something drastic was done!!
I was implying anything i swear!!!!
You "Was implying anything"? Interesting...
Here are a few more...
Yo mama so fat, that if she walks outside in a red dress, all the kids storm her, shouting, "Kool-Aid!" "Kool-Aid!'"
Yo mama so fat, that if she turns the corner in a yellow dress, all the kids say, "Oh, no! We missed the school bus!"
Yo mama so fat, if she walks down the street in a blue dress, everybody runs away and screams, "TIDAL WAVE!!"
Chaos. Disorder. Widespread panic. My work is done here.
jus coas i cante spel or tawk propper, don?t taik the pis
Yo mama so fat, her waist size is "equator"
Suicide hotline. Please hold.
:biggrin: :biggrin: Very good photon. Jimmy, I don't understand yours, as I cannot translate it into intelligent-talk.
lol, ok I was just ripping myself for making a typo..."was" instead of "wasnt"
"jus coas i cante spel or tawk propper, don?t taik the pis" was me doing just that and it basically said 'just cos I cant spell or talk proper, dont take the p*ss'
And just for the sake of adding a one-liner
I lost my virginity but I still have the box it came in.
I have a mind like a steel trap; it is rusty and illegal in 47 states.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
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