Lame Jokes

[quddusaliquddus]

Lamest joke you know ... :zzz:

[jimmy p]

My dad was a pistol, that makes me a son of a gun...

[Artman]

A duck walks into a pharmacy and says, "Give me some chapstick and put it on my bill."

[jimmy p]

A man walks into a bar... ouch

[arildno]

-Watch out for the vacuum cleaner!
-What vacuuuuuuuuuuu.......

[Jenn_ucsb]

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?.....


......a stick

[Artman]

Where do you find a turtle with no legs?

Right where you left it.

[Ivan Seeking]

The first dirty joke that my parents told me: A white horse fell in the mud.

Why do cows wear bells? Their horns don't work. :rofl:

[enigma]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender takes one look at it and asks: "So, why the long face?"

[quddusaliquddus]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender takes one look at it and asks: "So, why the long face?"

:rofl: ...sorry. This joke doesn't qualify to be in this thread as in my opinion it is funny :biggrin:

[enigma]

Oh, I think it's hilarious too...

But the groan-to-laugh ratio is up around 90% when I tell it.

[Hurkyl]

Did you hear the one about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?

[quddusaliquddus]

Maaaan! LOL. I'm a sucker for lame jokes! Hurkyl - u deserved a prize 4 urs ;D

[Hurkyl]

I generally dislike that type of humor, but this one is just too good to ignore. :smile:

[jimmy p]

What is green, has 8 legs and will kill you if it falls from a tree??

A snooker table.

[Shahil]

When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a driveway! :yuck:

[Echo 6 Sierra]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

He was stapled to Sid Vicious.

[Njorl]

I dated a girl who was a magician. She put her hand on my lap and I turned into a motel!

[jimmy p]

What is long, brown and runs around the garden??

A fence.

[Andy]

Why do women wear make up and perfume?








Because they're Ugly and Smelly.

[Math Is Hard]

A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender points to a sign behind the bar that says NO STRINGS ALLOWED. Dejectedly, the piece of string leaves the bar... but then he has an idea. He ruffles out his edges a little bit and ties himself into a bow. Then he walks back into the bar, hops up on the barstool, and again orders a beverage. The bartender is deceived by the string's appearance only for a moment.
"hey....what are you doing back in here?" says the bartender. "You're that piece of string aren't you?"

"No Sir!" says the string, "I'm a frayed knot!"

:rofl:

[Trogdor]

What's black and white and has wheels?

a zebra! and i lied about the wheels

[Stockman]

Q: Which car is the biggest car A: The big car

[quddusaliquddus]

Where will i b @ today? - for those people who want to know - yes u people -

I am going to my exam @ 2.30 but i will go out @ 2. I will afterwards head to the fees department to get the crap sorted out...or i might come straight home. i am stil undecided. my exam lasts 2 hours so it ends @ 4.30 (i think-need to chek this). I might come out earlier than that because I might not b able to do anymore. Hope ur satisfied. i will go via harford street n my exam is in BSM 115.

[BoulderHead]

A man walks into a bar and proclaims;
I’m feeling mean enough tonight to whip a bear!
Following that, a burly giant of a man walks over to him and asks;
and just what kind of a bear would that be?
The first man uses his thumb and forefinger to illustrate his point as he responds;
a liiiiitle bitty bear!

[sun_universal]

:surprise: :rofl: Why does a chicken say buck buck ?


Cause it can't say two dollars!

[Gokul43201]

Rudi looks out the window of his Moscow apartment and says to his wife "Honey ! It's going to rain." The wife disagrees, on account of the bright sun and no clouds. Nevertheless, it starts to pour in a few minutes. The baffled wife askes Rudi how he knew.

Comes the reply, "Rudolf, the Red knows rain, dear !"

[Chrono]

Let me try, here.

What do you call a dead blonde in a closet? A 1997 World Hide-and-Seek champion.

Did you hear about the two ants on the toilet seat? One of them got pissed off.

[Ivan Seeking]

not quite a joke, but...

I'm as busy as a one legged man in a tap dancing contest.

Did you hear about Bush's mission to the sun?
How you ask?
They plan to go at night.

[physicsisphirst]

Lamest joke you know ... :zzz:

A Lemur once had a big toe
Which continued to grow and grow
It became so long
He had to hobble along
So they called him LAMEur you know

The above is an example of a LAMErick. If you don't like it don't bLAME me - I'm not cLAMEing that it is funny, so you may as well just start LAMEnting.

In fiendship,
prad

[Gokul43201]

Wow, "in fiendship" ? Guess there's a first time for everything.

By the way...that LAMErick was LAMEntable.

[physicsisphirst]

Wow, "in fiendship" ? Guess there's a first time for everything.
but not the last, if the opportunity ever presents itself!


By the way...that LAMErick was LAMEntable.
i'm glad you liked it. some others of my acquaintance were somewhat impressed too. in fact, they found it quite gLAMErous. But then there are those less civilized who would try to LAMEbast me for it.

in friendship,
prad

[jimmy p]

Q. How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Fish

[Chrono]

I don't get it, Jimmy. :confused:

[BobG]

That's because you're not a surrealist.

But, how is that a joke? It's a statement of fact.... just like the meaning of life is 42.

[Chrono]

That's because you're not a surrealist.


Is that a good thing?

[BobG]

Surrealism: the principles, ideals, or practice of producing fantastic or incongruous imagery or effects in art, literature, film, or theater by means of unnatural juxtapositions and combinations.

Answering "fish" to a question about lightbulbs is an unnatural combination - hence the association to surrealists.

Or answering 42 to a question about the meaning of life (Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy).

[Chrono]

I get it now.

[jimmy p]

Ok... so that one didnt go down too well

Q. How many mystery writers does it take to change a lightbulb?


A. Two. One to screw it most the way and the other to give it a suprise twist.

[Math Is Hard]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him ... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[Ivan Seeking]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him ... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: Boy that is baaaaaaaaaaaaaadddddd.

Okay just for that...

I stepped in a hole and now I hobble.

[Ivan Seeking]

Did you hear that Dave bought a clone? Unfortunately this clone was rather obnoxious. He would spit and cuss and belch and make lewd and lascivious gestures at the neighbors. This behavior got worse and worse until one day Dave had all he could take. He grabbed the clone by the collar, dragged him onto the roof of a high rise building and threw him over the edge. Dave was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

[Dimitri Terryn]

Q. How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Fish

Some variants :

Q : How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A : Aardvark on toast.

Q : How many dadaïsts does it take to change a lightbulb?

A : Bathtub full of tools.

[Math Is Hard]

Dave was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

OOhhhh!! heee heee hee! That was fit pun-ishment for my previous post!!! :rofl:

[Imparcticle]

If your mom's a dishwasher and your dad's a dryer, why is the football on top of the dog house?

















A. Pigs don't fly for ten-issues.

[Gokul43201]

Man walks into a bar with his ostrich. They sit down at the bar, and the man orders a beer. The bartender asks the ostrich "what'll you have ?" to which it replies "whatever he's having". They down their drinks and the bartender tells the man "that'll be a dollar and fifty eight, sir". The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change - without even looking - pays the barman, and leaves with his ostrich.

This same thing happens every day for the next few days, and the bartender is curious as hell. So he asks the man to tell all. This is what the guy says :

"One day, I found this little lamp, which I rubbed, and out came a genie and granted me 2 wishes. My first wish was that whenever I had to pay for anything, I'd just have to reach in my pocket, and the right amount would be there."

"Why, that's brilliant", says the bartender. "Most people would ask for unlimited wealth, but you get the same deal without all the hassle. And what was your second wish ?"

Replies the man, with a frown, " I asked for a tall chick, with long legs, that would always agree with me." :biggrin:

[The_Professional]

Knock knock

Who's there?

Little boy blue

Little boy blue who?

Michael Jackson

[photon]

How many lame people does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One.

[plover]

\int \frac{1}{cabin}\ dcabin


Q: What's purple and commutes?

A: An Abelian grape!


Q: And what's this?


\displaystyle{\underset{\circ \circ}{\Omega}}


A: A mobile ohm!

[BoulderHead]

A man walks into a bar and proclaims with a loud voice; I'm feeling mean enough right now to whop a bear.
A very large and powerfully built man, smelling of alcohol, straddles up to him and asks; Just what kind of a bear are you talking about?
To which the first man, gesturing with a thumb and forefinger, replies; A little bitty bear!

[jimmy p]

A group of attorneys had to measure the length of a flagpole for evidence to support a lawsuit. They went out to the flagpole with ladders and a tape measure. They proceed to fall off the ladders and drop the tape measure - the whole thing was just a mess. An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do. He walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measuremen to one of the attorneys and walks away. After the engineer has gone, one attorney turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer. We're looking for the height, and he gives us the length."

[The Bob]

Q: Why did the Koala fall out of the tree???

A: Because it was dead. :rofl:


Q: Why did the parrot fall out of the tree???

A: Because it was stapled to the koala. :rofl:

The Bob (2004 ©)

[Gokul43201]

Q: Why was the parrot stapled to the koala ? :eek:

[plover]

Q: Why was the parrot stapled to the koala ? :eek:
I think something went awry during one of those secret Masonic handshakes...

[Hurkyl]

It's not dead, just pinin' for the fjords!

[Chrono]

Q: Why was the parrot stapled to the koala ? :eek:

Maybe somebody really didn't like kaolas. :rolleyes:

[The Bob]

Q: Why was the parrot stapled to the koala ? :eek:

A: Oh it was because of the Parrots-eat-um-all (Paracetamol). :rofl:

The Bob (2004 ©)

[LENIN]

I find this words by G W Bush funy but they are to realistic for to be funy.

Our enemis are doing everything to harm our country and so are we.

[Ivan Seeking]

Bush, while at the European Economic Summit, and speaking to the economic problems of the French:

"The trouble with the French is that they don't have a word for Entrepreneur"

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

He should have been a comedian!!!

[Ivan Seeking]

“A mummy is something that never stops giving.” – a noted archeologist

[Ivan Seeking]

What do you call a pig with three eyes?








a piiig

[Gokul43201]

What do you call a pig with three eyes?








a piiig

Damn, that's one lame-*** m**********r !

(That was Sam Jackson, not me)

[jimmy p]

What has two wheels, and travels 60mph underwater?


Motorpike and sidecarp.

[plover]

Motorpike and sidecarp.
Together, don't those have three wheels?

[BoulderHead]

There are some exceptionally lame jokes appearing in this thread. Keep up the good work, people! :rofl:

[jimmy p]

I have a really long lame joke but im not sure if I should type it all out.

So for now, I'll do this one...

Did you hear that a boat carrying red paint and a boat carrying blue paint crashed into each other?



Apparently the crew were marooned.

[Ivan Seeking]

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rabbit?





a rabbit fur sock

[BoulderHead]

I did not understand the last joke, I hope this not mean I am a lame joke.

Anyway, there was this monkey that wrapped its tail around a flagpole...

[Ivan Seeking]

a rabbit with a big hole in it?

A young man is nailing a board into place. Being unpracticed in such matters as hammers and nails, he hit the nail once out of every four or five strikes of the hammer. An older fellow walks up behind him, and not wanting to discourage him the older man says:"keep it up. You almost have it surrounded!"

[BoulderHead]

a rabbit with a big hole in it?

Good grief, of all the people on this board I should never have been the one to overlook that! :rofl:


A used camel salesman demonstrates to his customer the proper watering technique to be used with male camels, so as to fully load the beast prior to a long journey across the desert. Taking the animal to a nearby stream he allows it to begin drinking. Next, he slips around to the backside and, taking a large rock in each hand, slams the stones together with the testicles of the beast in-between. The camel makes a loud slurrrrp as it fills to capacity with water. The customer, looking confused, asks; ouch, but doesn’t that hurt? To which the salesman replies; only if you get your thumb caught between the stones.

[Ivan Seeking]

German humor:

Did anyone see Das Boot. I love the ending! Classic German Irony.

Not lame humor but one of my favorites.

[BoulderHead]

Yes, it was excellent.

[Ivan Seeking]

Father O'Leary visits the elderly Mrs Smith who is bedridden. He goes to her room, sits down, and begins nibble from a bowl of peanuts as he and the woman talk. After awhile he gets up to leave and he notices that he has eaten all of her peanuts. The good father feels terrible since Mrs Smith is rather poor. He apologizes and offers to bring her some more peanuts. She replies: "Oh no father don't bother. At my age it's all I can do to suck off the chocolate".

[BoulderHead]

What did the hooker with a glass eye tell her customers?

"I'll keep an eye out for you"

[Evo]

Father O'Leary visits the elderly Mrs Smith who is bedridden. He goes to her room, sits down, and begins nibble from a bowl of peanuts as he and the woman talk. After awhile he gets up to leave and he notices that he has eaten all of her peanuts. The good father feels terrible since Mrs Smith is rather poor. He apologizes and offers to bring her some more peanuts. She replies: "Oh no father don't bother. At my age it's all I can do to suck off the chocolate".Ok, I will try to remember this as I fall asleep. :smile:

[Gokul43201]

Why did the elephants leave the circus?




They were tired of working for peanuts.

[Gokul43201]

A policeman stopped a man who was walking along with an alligator and ordered him to take it to the zoo at once. The next day the policeman saw the same man with the same alligator.

"I thought I told you to take that to the zoo," he said.

"I did," said the man, "and now I'm taking him to the movies."

[Ivan Seeking]

The latest study of electric vehicles shows that the single greatest hidden cost for all models is the really long extension cord.

[BobG]

A man sentenced to prison was put in a cell with an older convict who had been there for many years. One day, they were talking about their pasts, and the old man said, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France." "What happened?" his new cellmate asked. "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing."

[ShawnD]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him ... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

:biggrin:


Two atoms are walking along and one of them says "Oh no! I think I lost an electron!". The other asks "Are you sure?". The atom replies "I'm positive!"

[i_wish_i_was_smart]

Q:whats long and sticky



A: a stick

[Ivan Seeking]

Speaking of long sticks, the javelin catching team is looking for new members.

[Moonbear]

Speaking of long sticks, the javelin catching team is looking for new members.

Ivan, your jokes aren't lame enough...I keep laughing at them. :rofl: Or does that just make me lame? :uhh:

[Moonbear]

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
.
.
.
.
No idea(r) .... "No eye deer"

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
.
.
.
.
Still no idea(r)

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs that fell in a lake?
.
.
.
.
Bob

<<<<<groan>>>>>

[Ivan Seeking]

Or does that just make me lame? :uhh:

No idear. :uhh: :tongue2:


"Mrs. Felix: Why don't you do your homework?
Allen Felix: The Universe is expanding. Everything will fall apart, and we'll all die. What's the point?

Mrs. Felix: We live in Brooklyn. Brooklyn is not expanding! Go do your homework.
(from Annie Hall by Woody Allen)

[Ivan Seeking]

Have you ever noticed... anybody going slower than you is an idiot. And anyone going faster is a maniac --- George Carlin

Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? - Gallagher

Cats of the future?
They will come pre-flattened to reduce road hazards.

Did you hear about the iron worker who walked into a bar?

[ShawnD]

Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? - Gallagher

That dude told jokes? I thought all he did was smash stuff.

[Ivan Seeking]

That dude told jokes? I thought all he did was smash stuff.

He is a comedian and when at his best he was hilarious! The smashing business was just the finale to his show.

[Xiox]

- Minster-Mister! You forgot your briefcase.
- Alah akbar.

[Tsu]

Did you hear about the iron worker who walked into a bar?
Moonbear!!! Is THAT lame enough for you???? :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Moonbear]

Moonbear!!! Is THAT lame enough for you???? :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Our lab decided today that a necessary trait for scientists is the ability to be easily amused. We all seem to laugh at each others lame jokes, which of course only encourages more lame jokes. It's a horrible cycle.

[BoulderHead]

Well drilling is a boring job.

[Gokul43201]

aaahhhhh !!! :yuck: I surrender....please no more....I'll tell you whatever you want to hear...here's the combination to my safe...

[Ivan Seeking]

No mercy!!!

What does an atheist say when she's having an orgasm?
"Darwin! Oh, Darwin!"

[Tsu]

Our lab decided today that a necessary trait for scientists is the ability to be easily amused. We all seem to laugh at each others lame jokes, which of course only encourages more lame jokes. It's a horrible cycle.
Just say 'NO'!!!! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[BobG]

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs that fell in a lake?
.
.
.
.
Bob

<<<<<groan>>>>>

:bugeye:

Hey! That's mean. (I said with a deer in the headlights look)

[Ivan Seeking]

Pessimist: Things are horrible. Everything is falling apart. Things can't get any worse.

Optimist: Yes they can.

[physicsuser]

What did a hand say to a face?


"Slap!"

[Gokul43201]

Pessimist: Things are horrible. Everything is falling apart. Things can't get any worse.

Optimist: Yes they can.

Bartlett, perhaps ?

[jimmy p]

Why dont sharks kill lawyers?



Professional courtesy

[Chrono]

"Could I have your number?"

It's not exactly a joke, but all the girls I ask that seem to laugh pretty hard.

[jimmy p]

"Could I have your number?"

It's not exactly a joke, but all the girls I ask that seem to laugh pretty hard.


That is a joke in itself... oh man... so true!

[Ivan Seeking]

Bartlett, perhaps ?


We've been getting caught up on old episodes. :biggrin:

...the Barlett pair.

[Gokul43201]

I watched that episode a little after I read the joke. Made me smile despite the car-bomb in the Gaza. :smile:

[Ivan Seeking]

"Could I have your number?"

It's not exactly a joke, but all the girls I ask that seem to laugh pretty hard.

Maybe it would help to introduce yourself as 6 of 9. :tongue2:

Babes love Star Trek

[Chrono]

That is a joke in itself... oh man... so true!

You get that, too, Jimmy? I swear, it never ceases to be funny to them.

[jimmy p]

You get that, too, Jimmy? I swear, it never ceases to be funny to them.


Maybe I should wear clothes when I ask them... :uhh: I mean, yeah unless they dont have numbers. It sucks. Women suck. So do hoovers.

How can you tell if an elephant has been in your fridge?

Footprints in the butter.

[The Bob]

How can you tell if an elephant has been in your fridge?

Footprints in the butter.

How do Elephants hide in Cherry Trees???






They paint their toe nails red.

The Bob (2004 ©)

[Ivan Seeking]

Have you ever seen an elephant in a Cherry tree?






See how good it works.

[jimmy p]

Have you ever seen an elephant in a Cherry tree?






See how good it works.


That reminds me of a combined joke....

1.)Why did the elephant paint its testicles red?

To hide in the cherry tree

2.)What is the loudest noise in the jungle?

A giraffe eating cherries.

[The Bob]

That reminds me of a combined joke....

1.)Why did the elephant paint its testicles red?

To hide in the cherry tree

2.)What is the loudest noise in the jungle?

A giraffe eating cherries.

Nasty. *Wincing Smile Here*

The Bob (2004 ©)

[Ivan Seeking]

When asked how he felt about Roe vs Wade, Bush responded, "I prefer boats".

[Gokul43201]

When Condi suggested to Bush that perhaps they should plant some WMDs in Iraq, Bush replied, "But Condi, nothing grows in the desert !"

[Ivan Seeking]

I went to the doctor for a vasectomy. He took one look at my face and said "you don't need one!"

I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighborhood!''

When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother.

My Dentist told me my gums were shrinking. 'turns out I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H

Every time I get in an elevator the operator says the same thing to me: Basement? ''

I never got girls when I was a kid. One girl told me, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. There was nobody home.

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names -- hers and her mother's.

With my wife, I don't get no respect. The other night there was a knock on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet

-- Rodney Dangerfield

[motai]

Why can't skeletons play church music? They don't have any organs!

What kind of music did the Pilgrims listen to? Plymouth Rock!

What would Mozart be doing if he was alive today? Probably screaming and clawing at the inside of his coffin.

What does Mozart do now that he is dead? He decomposes.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor.

[Argentum Vulpes]

A pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel down his paints. The bartender asked him about the steering wheel to which the pirate responded,

"Arrrrrrr, it's driving me nuts."

[Ivan Seeking]

Words of wisdom: Never take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night.

[Chrono]

Witch parking: All others will be toad.

[Ivan Seeking]

While grocery shopping, an elderly lady asked the young produce man if she could have one half of a head of lettuce. "Half of head? We really don't do that", replied the young man. "You see", she continued, "I really don't eat very much and half of it always goes bad. I thought that maybe someone else could make use it". "Well..." [the man started to say] "...rather than throw it away", she insisted. Seeing that this woman was not going to be give up the young man went to the back of the store to ask the produce manager what to do. "This IDIOT woman keeps nagging me about wanting a half of a head of lettuce!", he shouted in protest. He had no sooner spoken that he saw that the woman had followed him. She had heard everything! ...and this is the nice lady who wants the other half... :uhh:

[Moses]

This one gave me stomachache:

Once there is a man, he turned on a curve and then he was bent, he turned on another curve and he was broken :surprised :yuck: :yuck:

This one is from my culture:
1, 2 & 3 ate "up side down" meal at a restuarant..they went out 3,2 &1.. :rolleyes:

[Chrono]

This one is from my culture:
1, 2 & 3 ate "up side down" meal at a restuarant..they went out 3,2 &1.. :rolleyes:

A new way of counting: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,10,11,12,...

What happend was seven ate nine.

Blame my professor for that one.

[BobG]

What's so funny about the first derivative of:

f(x)=\frac{r^3}{3}

In white:


f'(x)= (3r^2)/3*dr = r^2 dr = r r dr = r dr r


(From The Simpsons, episode number 2)

[BobG]

Al Gore has finally given up politics and taken up his true calling as a drummer in a band. He's really good. He's come up with some of the most mathematically precise rhythms known to man.

In fact, people have taken to calling them "Al Gore Rhythms".

[Ivan Seeking]

Did you hear about the Mexican fireman who named his kids Jose and Hose B?

[Ivan Seeking]

Not funny but noteworthy.

It seems that our sleepy town has hit the big time. We have had three murders in less than a month with all showing the same MO: The bodies were all found in the bathtub and covered with milk. The police suspect that we have a cereal killer.

[brewnog]

Thanks to Ivan, I've only just discovered this thread, but:

Why must you not wear Ukranian underpants?
Chernobyl Fallout! :blushing:

[dextercioby]

Chernobyl is in Ukraine :tongue: Now what u've written is really LAME...:yuck:

Daniel.

[brewnog]

Oops! I really should have thought of that!

Well, it must be a really old joke...

[dextercioby]

Before 1917,that's really old...

Daniel.

[brewnog]

Heh yes, I'll edit the post to be more politically accurate.

Ta for the heads up!

[Galileo]

Q: What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?

A: "Robin, get in the car."

[brewnog]

What did St Patrick say as he was driving all the snakes out of Ireland?

"Are you alright there in the back?"

[Ivan Seeking]

It seems that Tibetans are quite the talkers. A Tibetan friend was just telling me that everywhere you go there it's yak, yak, yak.

[JFo]

A burglar was in a dark house. When he picked up the T.V. a voice said "Jesus is watching you." He dropped the T.V. and whirled around his flashlight looking for someone without any luck. After picking up the VCR the voice said once again "Jesus is watching you." He dropped the VCR and demanded "Who said that?" A voice in the back of the room said "Me, Clarence!" He spotted a parrot with the flashlight and said "Did you say that?" Clarence acknowledged. The burglar then asked "Who would name a Parrot Clarence?" To which Clarence replied "The same guy who named the rottweiller Jesus!"

[Danger]

Did you hear about the lady who swallowed the Gillette razor blade?






She not only gave herself a hysterectomy, an appendectomy and a tonsillectomy; she also castrated her husband, circumcised her lover, took two fingers off a casual acquaintance, gave the minister a hairlip... and still had five shaves left.

[Ivan Seeking]

WHAT? No more lame jokes??? What's the world coming too.

Did you hear about the latest in thrill seeking gadgets? Since skydiving has been taken nearly to its ultimate limit with BASE jumping, there was only one thing left to do. The newest parachutes only open on impact.

[whozum]

This was the funniest thread ever.

Two elephants were walking down the beach, one turned to the other and said "Hey, I forgot my trunks"

Two muffins were gettin baked in the oven. One turned to ther other and said "Hey, its ****in hot in here", to which the other replied "Holy ****! A talking muffin!"

Two men walked into a bar. The third one ducked.

[1,1,2,3,5,8,13,21]

Did you hear the one about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?

that is sick and uncalled for, which makes it great.

Fibonacci

[brewnog]

What's red and invisible?






No tomatoes!

[Averagesupernova]

A little girl is walking down along the docks one day. Piers actually, but anyway... She sees a pirate with a peg leg, hook hand and patch over one eye. Goes like this:

Girl: Mr. Pirate, why do you have a peg leg?
Pirate: Arrrrr! You see me lassie, I was standing on deck when large wave came about and flipped me into the see. It was then that a great shark bit me leg off. One of me crew pulled me aboard and I just stuck a broom stick handle on the end of me stump.

Girl: Ok Mr. Pirate, why do you have a hook hand?
Pirate: Arrrrrrrrr. I was watching me cook sharpen his knives and one of the knives slipped out of his hand and chopped me hand right off. I just used the biggest fishing hook we had and that's how I got me hook.

Girl: Ok Mr. Pirate, but how did you get the patch on your eye?
Pirate: Arrrrrr. I was look'n up at me flag to see which way the wind was from and a big bird flew over and pooped in me eye.
Girl: Was it a poison bird or something?
Pirate: Arrrrrrr. No, it was me first day with me hook!

[moose]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

Why did the hampster fall out of the tree?

It was stapled to the monkey.


I'm sorry but, I still can't stop laughing at that one :D

[brewnog]

How do you get a clown off a swing?



Hit it in the face with an axe.

[primal schemer]

What would you call Postman Pat if he became unemployed???





Pat.


PS

[Ivan Seeking]

In a news story, it was mentioned that someone at Ebay sold a picture of Jesus. It was actually signed by Jesus! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Ivan Seeking]

New York-AP- On June 27th, 2005, after 5 years of heated debate, the Commission of Human Rights approved the new International Symbol of Marriage
http://img363.imageshack.us/img363/2847/marriagesymbol3bk.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

[Ivan Seeking]

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's office?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

The phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yep!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

[newp175]

Lame jokes huh? Everything in the science joke thread :rofl:

[Jimmy Snyder]

Q. How do they make Alpha-Bits?
A. They use a cereal printer.

Ivan Seeking, you reminded me of this old one.

[JamesU]

From Pulp Fiction:

One day there was these three tomatoes walking down the street, a mama tomato, a daddy tomato and a baby tomato. the baby tomato was walking too slow, so the daddy tomato went back, stepped on him and said ketchup!

[Ivan Seeking]

The trial of Saddam Hussein ended today.

He was sentenced to a weekend of hunting with Dick Cheney.

[edward]

Why did the fox cross the road?

To eat the chicken.

[jimmy p]

There was a story in the newspaper about a 4ft fortune teller who escaped from jail. The headline was "Small medium at large"

[Drimar]

My papa only appears when I am trying to seduce someone.

[Mk]

There was a story in the newspaper about a 4ft fortune teller who escaped from jail. The headline was "Small medium at large"
ROFLCOPTERS!! This one deserves a 3x3!

:rofl::rofl::rofl:
:rofl::rofl::rofl:
:rofl::rofl::rofl:
And the Jose and Hose B one!!!!
:rofl::rofl::rofl:
:rofl::rofl::rofl:
:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[jimmy p]

ROFLCOPTERS!! This one deserves a 3x3!


ROFLCOPTERS at ROFLCOPTERS! Have a 3x3 for yourself!

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


I'm going to have to use roflcopters in as many conversations as I can now.

Have you heard about the latest male contraceptive pill?
You put it in your shoe and it makes you limp.

[Mk]

Yeah, somebody vandalized a Wikipedia article, the rofl one, and it said that roflburgers and roflcopters are meant to be super-rofl's.

Roh-fuhl-copters (as in helicopters)

Ha, now I say it.

[jimmy p]

What is black and brown and looks great on a lawyer?

A Doberman.

[Ivan Seeking]

Did you hear about the iron worker who walked into a bar?

Or did I tell that one already?

[Mk]

Ay! Ivan! Where's your Oppenhimer and Kaku quotes?

[Ivan Seeking]

on gas station restroom walls, all over Oregon. :biggrin:

[Mattara]

Some computer users require a bit of hand holding. Others deserve to have them cut off and stuffed up their... well.....

Once upon a time I was doing a support call -

"... Ok, now type cd space..."

sounds heard from the user: "click click, clickclickclickclickclick"

"... um, excuse me sir, what did you just type?"

"cd space."

"... nononononono, space BAR, space BAR!"

"ahhh. clickclickclick."

"... nononononNONO!, the space bar! that big horizontal thing at the bottom middle of the keyboard! Hit delete."

"ahh. Why? How will delete help?"

"It'll abort what you just typed. Just hit it."

"Click. OK."

"... Great, now type ... cd ... SPACEBAR..."

Lots of clicking noises, I decided to ignore for the nonce....

"... slash"

"Slash?"

"... yes, it's the key below the question mark."

"Ah.... "

"... and hit return."

:silence: "click click click click click click"

"Noooo! Noooo! the return key! the return *key*!"

"I don't have a return key."

"Alright, ENTER, then."

"Enter what?"

:under my breath: "the gates of hell." "The ENTER key, hit it please."

"Ah. Hokay, it says file not found."

"What?!!! - listen, what do you do there at XYZ Inc?"

"I am system administrator for whole network."

"Do you have a secretary or someone there I could talk to?
You see, we've got another couple hundred letters to type and I don't
have that kind of credit with Ma bell..."

I sent him a copy of typing tutor that day. FedEx. I then called in
sick for the rest of the week, hoping to avoid further blood pressure
problems.

Friday he called in, asks for me specifically. Seems he needed help
on getting typing tutor installed!!!!

[BobG]

The only reason computer support staff have such a hard time is because computer software engineers don't know how to write good error messages. A good computer would provide an error haiku. Some examples:

Wind catches lily,
scattering petals to the ground.
Segmentation fault.


With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence
File not found.


First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.


You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.


Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, reboot.
Order shall return.


Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.


No keyboard present.
Press F1 to continue.
Zen engineering.


Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?

[Ivan Seeking]

Did you hear about the gay internet?

Just type C:[Enter]

[Mk]

Here's a good one I made myself:

If God had meant for man to count higher than 1,048,575, he would have given him more fingers and toes.

[Mattara]

What does a lemon strapped to a wheel look like? A car! :biggrin:

[star.torturer]

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
very popular with windows

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

http://www.rickyseabra.com/windows_haiku.html

Did you hear about the fish that went deaf?
He had to buy a herring-aid.

What did one teddy bear say to the other teddy bear when he offered him some dessert?
No thanks, I'm stuffed.

i could bring an end to this topic, by posting this link http://rinkworks.com/jokes/

@MK: oh but what about 12345678910, thats easy to count using your fingers

[wolram]

I can never remember jokes, where any of these funny?

[Physics_wiz]

Why did the monkey fall off the tree?

Because it was dead.

[siddharth]

Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?

[Rach3]

What's so funny about the first derivative of:

f(x)=\frac{r^3}{3}

In white:

f'(x)= (3r^2)/3*dr = r^2 dr = r r dr = r dr r

(From The Simpsons, episode number 2)

That's not a derivative, that's a differential.

[Rach3]

Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?

Short cut.

[t!m]

That reminds me of a combined joke....

1.)Why did the elephant paint its testicles red?

To hide in the cherry tree

2.)What is the loudest noise in the jungle?

A giraffe eating cherries.

Which reminds me of ...

1) How do you get an elephant in a refrigerator?
Open the door, put him in, close the door.

2) How do you get a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, close the door.

3) The jungle has a meeting, who doesn't attend?
The giraffe, he's still in the refrigerator.

4) How do you cross a river inhabited by snakes?
Walk (or swim) right through it; all the snakes are at the meeting.

In retrospect ... I'm not even sure that was a joke. :uhh:

[Mattara]

2) How do you get a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, close the door.

You chop of its head :uhh:

[Schrodinger's Dog]

Favourite bad jokes of all time:-

What did Hitler say to his men before they got in their tanks?

Men get in your tanks.

-----

How do you make gold soup?

add 24 carrots/carats.

-----

Why are their no asparin in the jungle?

Because the parots eat 'em all (paracetemol)

-----

Can't get enough of Christmas cracker classics.

[JamesU]

^^Those are terrible :yuck:

[star.torturer]

FOR THE ENGLISH!!!
what is brown, and comes out of cows bacwards?

the southampto ferry

(cows to Cowes)


there are 2 fish in a tank,
1 says to the other-

how do you drive this thing

[Mattara]

What is the difference between a cow and a potatoe? None.

[Ivan Seeking]

The latest study of the new "Viagra for women" indicates that indeed, four out of five woman taking the drug can fake it more effectively.

[NoTime]

... A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang.
When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there.
The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.
The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again.
When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.
The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again.
It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance.
He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds.
He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.
The doctor thought for a moment and said,
"Yes, there's a nasty bug going around."

[jcsd]

One of my all time favs

Two Romans standing in Alps circa 218 BC

1st Roman: "look a flock of elephants!"

2nd Roman: "Herd"

1st Roman: "Herd of what?"

2nd Roman: "Herd of elephants"

1st Roman: "Yes of course, there's a flock of them over there!"

[Schrodinger's Dog]

One of my all time favs

Two Romans standing in Alps circa 218 BC

1st Roman: "look a flock of elephants!"

2nd Roman: "Herd"

1st Roman: "Herd of what?"

2nd Roman: "Herd of elephants"

1st Roman: "Yes of course, there's a flock of them over there!"

I laughed at that.:smile:

English joke correction or is it different, what's brown and steams out of cows, the Isle of Wight Ferry.

[mbrmbrg]

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

****

A frog's in line at the bank when the next teller, Ms P. Flack, calls, "Next please!" So the frog hops over and explains that he'd like a loan. Startled, Ms Flack replies, "But you're a frog!" So the frog answers, "Look, lady, my dad's Mick Jagger, can't we work something out?" The teller draws on all of her PC skills and says, "Well... To start with, you'll need some form of collateral." So the frogs pulls out a little glass elephant and plunks it on the counter. Completely out of her depth, Ms Flack asks the frog to accompany her to the manager's office. Showing the manager the elephant, the teller asks, "What is this supposed to be???" Replies the manager, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Flack. Give the frog a loan--his old man's a Rolling Stone."

[JamesU]

Any joke by Bob Saget

[Ivan Seeking]

You know they call it the gubernatorial race. Well now I'm the goober.
Schwarzenegger impersonator:

I'm more nervous than Dick Cheney's best hunting dog.
Clinton impersonator:

We're making a lot of progress in the technological advances. As you know, there are a lot of cars now that run on vegetable oil. And so, I propose we open up Alaska to drill for vegetables. If they're there, we need to get them.
Bush impersonator [Bridges]

KING: Why did you decide to use armed National Guardsmen to watch the border with Mexico?

BRIDGES: Because Dick Cheney wasn't available

...KING: Arnold Schwarzenegger has been on this show and it's always baffled me what kind of Republican is he? He's married to a Kennedy. Does that sound possible to you?

BRIDGES: I think it's great. I think it's great. It gives him perspective. I like Arnold. We both married up. You know why Maria fell in love with him, don't you?

KING: No.

BRIDGES: Arnold was the only boyfriend strong enough to carry Uncle Teddy home.

http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0610/31/lkl.01.html

[Math Is Hard]

A termite walks into a saloon and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

[Kurdt]

A termite walks into a saloon and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

Thats pretty lame considering I'm pretty sure termites don't worry whether their wood is tender or not.

Perhaps a termite wandering onto a set for a EDIT [perhaps that was a bit too adult]

[Ivan Seeking]

Thats pretty lame considering I'm pretty sure termites don't worry whether their wood is tender or not.

Carpenter ants, like termites, tend to prefer wood that is partially decayed by wood rot. However, they will also attack perfectly sound wood as well.
http://www.mda.state.md.us/plants-pests/pesticide_regulation/pesticide_info_for_consumers/termites_ants.php

you obviously know nothing about the termite night life. :biggrin:

[Kurdt]

http://www.mda.state.md.us/plants-pests/pesticide_regulation/pesticide_info_for_consumers/termites_ants.php

you obviously know nothing about the termite night life. :biggrin:

:biggrin: I only wanted to say that to make the joke I thought of then I remembered i'd been to the pub so I better edit it.

[BobG]

Here's a good one I made myself:

If God had meant for man to count higher than 1,048,575, he would have given him more fingers and toes.

Hey, :grumpy: I just realized you didn't mean that as a compliment!

What do you get if you cross a mountain climber with a grape?








You can't! A mountain climber is a scalar!

[arildno]

Have you heard of the joke that was so lame that it humans to boredom would choke?

[humanino]

A researcher who searches, one can find.
But a researcher who finds, one can search.

[humanino]

% "How poorly would you rate the Unix (so-called) user interface?
Unmatched ".

% rm congressional-ethics
rm: congressional-ethics nonexistent

% ar m God
ar: God does not exist

% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].

% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
Modifier failed.

% If I had a ( for every $ Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.

%make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.

% sleep with me
bad character

% got a light?
No match.

% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.

% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.

% \(-
(-: Command not found.

% sh

$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending

$ drink <bottle; opener
bottle: cannot open
opener: not found

$ mkdir matter; cat >matter
matter: cannot create

$ cat "can of food"
cat: cannot open can of food

credit (http://www.gnu.org/fun/humor.html)

[Tom Mattson]

One day two horses are out running, and one horse always beats the other one. So the slower horse says to the faster one, "How is it that you always beat me?" and the faster horse says, "I don't know, I just take off and start running." So the slower horse asks the faster horse to run a few more races with him so he can figure out what he's doing wrong, and he obliges.

Meanwhile a dog is hanging out watching the whole thing, and he comes up to the two horses and says, "I've been watching you two for a while, and I can tell you why the outcome is always the same."

The two horses look at each other in astonishment and say, "Holy crap, a talking dog!" :rolleyes:

[larkspur]

Women with large breasts work at Hooters. Where do women with one leg work?
>>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
IHOP

[Ivan Seeking]

There was a terrible fight between two cooks at the local Sharis. One beat the other half to death with a pepper grinder. Later, the offending cook was arrested for assault with pepper.

[Argentum Vulpes]

Did you know pirates can see in the dark. It's true because they have,

I, Arrrr.

[mbrmbrg]

What do you get if you cross a mountain climber with a grape?


You can't! A mountain climber is a scalar!

No!!:rofl:

[fourier jr]

Hey, :grumpy: I just realized you didn't mean that as a compliment!

What do you get if you cross a mountain climber with a grape?

You can't! A mountain climber is a scalar!

that reminds me of another one like that.

Q: what do you get when you cross a cow with a chicken?

A: |cow||chicken|sin\theta

[DyslexicHobo]

Progress (n.): a movement toward a goal or to a further or higher stage
If pro and con are opposites, then what does the word "congress" mean?

[Ivan Seeking]

Progress (n.): a movement toward a goal or to a further or higher stage
If pro and con are opposites, then what does the word "congress" mean?


:rofl: So that explaines it!

[DyslexicHobo]

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?



Answer: Open the door, put the giraffe in, close the door.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?



Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend?



Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?



Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.

[sas3]

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on him.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

The tame way.


Sorry for that one. But you did same "Lame"

[fourier jr]

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Answer: Open the door, put the giraffe in, close the door.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend?
Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.

That's not a joke. I read a newspaper article outside a professor's office about someone who asked a bunch of business people those 4 questions at a big meeting of theirs and something like 90% of them got ALL the questions wrong. In contrast, most children got them all correct, which was what the article was about.

[Ivan Seeking]

Yesterday Tsu called me down in the office to let me know that some parts had arrived from Mouser Electronics.
http://mouser.com/

I told her that they were for the cat.

[Math Is Hard]

Was it one of these, Ivan?
http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2007/08/cordless-mouse.jpg

[sas3]

Three Indian women are sitting side by side. The first, sitting on a goatskin, has a son who weighs 170 pounds. The second, sitting on a deerskin, has a son who weighs 130 pounds. The third, seated on a hippopotamus hide, weighs 300 pounds. What famous theorem does this illustrate?

Naturally, the answer is that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

It's lame and it's a science joke, Bonus!

[BobG]

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

The other hooks his thumb behind him says, "Dog ****, 20 feet back."

[BobG]

A man was rushed to the hospital after a car wreck which left his entire left side paralyzed.

The doctor examined him and said, "He's going to be all right."

[BobG]

Q: What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
















A: Christopher Walken

[BobG]

Q: What does Mozart do now that he's dead?

A: He decomposes.

Okay, actually that's a 'dead joke', not a 'lame joke'. (I can't believe no one picked up on three 'lame jokes' in a row in a 'lame joke' thread.)

[Ivan Seeking]

When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through
his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed the "call" button. His
mother answered, and I told her what happened.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."

A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."

"Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store."

[Gokul43201]

Q: What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

A: Christopher Walken

Ooh! That's a a meanie!

[Mike Cookson]

When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.

and

What do you call a dear with no eyes? A no eye dear (say it out loud). What do you call a dear with no eyes and no legs? Still no eye dear :P

[matthyaouw]

What's brown and sits on the piano stool?




Beethoven's last movement.



When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through
his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed the "call" button. His
mother answered, and I told her what happened.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."

A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."

"Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store."

Please tell me this isn't a true story!

[Jimmy Snyder]

When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.

When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway.

A woman forgets and leaves her handbag at a party. Someone notices and calls her on her cell phone to come back and get it. The handbag rings.

[proton]

what is the limit as the gpa approaches 0 of an engineering major?

an business major

[Mike Cookson]

What's the line integral of Eastern Europe?
Nothing, All the poles are in the west :P

I believe that is correct, but my brain isn't firing on all cylinders today.

[Poop-Loops]

Poland still counts as Eastern Europe I believe. If that's what you mean by "Pole" that is.

[Kurdt]

I think its relating to the fact that many poles are emigrating to western Europe.

[Ivan Seeking]

Please tell me this isn't a true story!

It was copied from an email. That's all that I know. :biggrin:

[Schrodinger's Dog]

I think its relating to the fact that many poles are emigrating to western Europe.

Actually I worked in Southampton, and live near Portsmouth I think they're all here. :smile: There's bloody thousands of them. In fact I think the place I worked at would be screwed without them. Many of the cleaning staff and porters were Polish.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

What's brown and steams out of cows?

The Isle of Wight ferry (Cowes). English joke there, be glad if you don't get it. :smile:

What do you call an epileptic under a pile of leaves?

Russel.

[Danger]

Many of the menial staff were Polish.

Staff? I always thought that it was something that you clean furniture with.

[Schrodinger's Dog]

Staff? I always thought that it was something that you clean furniture with.

It's also a disease: MRSA (Methicillin Resistant Stapholococus Aurieous) or something like that. Commonly called staph, or a staph infection. :smile: I don't mean to say the Polish are an infection, k before anyone says anything. :tongue:

[Ivan Seeking]

Not quite; MRSA is one type of staph infection.

: any of a genus (Staphylococcus) of nonmotile gram-positive spherical bacteria that occur singly, in pairs or tetrads, or in irregular clusters and include causative agents of various diseases (as skin infections, food poisoning, and endocarditis)
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/staphylococcus

[Schrodinger's Dog]

Yeah but that's what the nurses call it. If you say staph you mean MRSA. Food poisoning is usually broadly labelled as D&V.

[Ivan Seeking]

Hmmmm, not here afaik, but that is an unfortunate generalization as there are many forms of staph infections that hospitals deal with daily. Here, historically at least, "staph" is or was a fairly general term used to describe any number of infections.

[Schrodinger's Dog]

Hmmmm, not here afaik, but that is an unfortunate generalization as there are many forms of staph infections that hospitals deal with daily. Here, historically at least, "staph" is or was a fairly general term used to describe any number of infections.

I think its more due to the fact that MRSA is such a big deal atm. I could be wrong, but whenever they used it where I was working, it always referred to MRSA. Might be that was because I only ever heard about MRSA infections, but it seems unlikely. Can't say for sure, I could ask though. I'm still in contact with people who work there.

[mikelepore]

When is a farmer a really great farmer?

When he's out standing in his field.

[abushehab]

there was a guy who ultimately loved video games; he would just play video games all day long, he became so obsessed with it that when his father died, he wrote GAME OVER on his father's grave :cry:

[Jimmy Snyder]

New housing developments:

Eaton Run
Lion Mews
Hedford Hills
Belly Acres

Any others?

[joeyar]

There were two friends, named Shut Up and Trouble. One day Shut Up lost trouble, so he went over to the police station. The officer asked 'Shut Up' what his name was. 'Shut Up' replied Shut Up. The officer said, 'You don't understand I'm in a position of high authority. I can lock you up if you keep up that sort of shenanigan. Now I'll try that again. What is your name?'. So Shut Up again said to the police officer 'Shut Up'. By now, the copper was getting very angry, and asked Shut up "are you looking for trouble?" Shut Up then replied "Yes mate, of course I am"

[noname-san]

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher?

He couldn't control his pupils.
___________________________________________

Why was the basketball court wet?

The players dribbled all over it.
___________________________________________

Why are graveyards so noisy?

Because of all the coffin'.

[GregA]

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Said **** it, its only an egg!

[dusty2112]

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe? Roberto...

[lisab]

Two psychologists ran into each other on their way to work. One said to the other, "I made the funniest Freudian slip this morning! I was at the breakfast table, and I meant to say to my husband, 'Please pass the grape jelly, dear,' but what came out was. 'Damn you, you ruined my life!'"

[BobG]

John, the farmer, was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), also called 'pullets,' and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.


That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing


Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.


The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen. But on this particular morning, John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all.


John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets all over the place with bells-a-ringing. The pullets, upon hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.


He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.


John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair, and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.


The result.. The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize, but they awarded him the pullet surprise as well.

[shawlovesrats]

what did the nerd say to miss universe...?

you make my software, harware...


(thanks guys im shaw and i love rats, long time forum reader first time poster :) )

[tribdog]

wow, and this is what you came up with? You never get a second chance to make a first impression. Well, you never get a second chance to make a good impression. I'm just kidding with you. okay lame jokes. hmm.
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Shaw.
Shaw who?
Shawpping for a rat? I know a guy who just loves them.

[fuzzyfelt]

John, the farmer, was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), also called 'pullets,' and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.


That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing


Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.


The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen. But on this particular morning, John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all.


John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets all over the place with bells-a-ringing. The pullets, upon hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.


He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.


John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair, and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.


The result.. The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize, but they awarded him the pullet surprise as well.
:smile:

Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? He was out standing in his field.

[Math Jeans]

Ok. A physicist, an engineer, and a mathmatician are stranded on a desert island with only a can of beans to eat, but no can-opener.

The physicist says: "Ok. What we need to do is build a fire, put the can of beans on the fire and the pressure will build up and blow off the top of the can."

The engineer says: "No, no, no. That will blow the beans everywhere and we will lose our only food. We need to find a sharp rock and bash open the top of the can. That is the best way."

The mathematician says: "Wait! I've got it!: Assume a can-opener..."

[Topher925]

S: Heisenberg was driving really fast down the road and a cop pulls him over. The cop says "sir do you know how fast you were going" and then Heisenberg says "No, but I know exactly where I am!".

Q: What kind of fish has two knees?
A: A TuuNee Fish!

Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A: A Fssssshhh.

[Ivan Seeking]

What did Karl Marx put on his pasta?

Communist manipesto.

[Ivan Seeking]

http://www.snorgtees.com/images/MyButtHurts_Fullpic_1.jpg
http://www.snorgtees.com/images/BodyOfAGod_Fullpic_1.gif
http://www.snorgtees.com/images/Dyslexics_Fullpic_1.gif
http://www.snorgtees.com/

[Helios]

\int \frac{d(cabin)}{(cabin)} = ?

[Jimmy Snyder]

What did Karl Marx put on his pasta?

Communist manipesto.
Was he the one who said "Those who forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it"?

Mentors: I don't know if that has already been posted. If I have forgotten the post, you are doomed to delete it.

[Kurdt]

\int \frac{d(cabin)}{(cabin)} = ?

A log cabin. Hilarious :smile:

[Ivan Seeking]

Was he the one who said "Those who forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it"?

:rofl: I'm a sucker for dumb jokes.

[FrancisZ]

Did you hear the one about the two peanuts that got on the subway?

One of them was assaulted.

Lame, but cute.

[Emperor25]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender takes one look at it and asks: "So, why the long face?"

:rofl:

[bassplayer142]

2 pirates are stranded on an island with only one bottle of water. They decide to ration it out between the two of them. One pirate points to the bottle and explains that he gets this half and that the other one gets the other half. In the morning the first pirate finds that all the water is gone. Angry, he demands an explanation from the other pirate. The other pirate says, "I had to go through your half of the bottle to get to mine".

[noumed]

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

[Jimmy Snyder]

2 pirates are stranded on an island with only one bottle of water. They decide to ration it out between the two of them. One pirate points to the bottle and explains that he gets this half and that the other one gets the other half. In the morning the first pirate finds that all the water is gone. Angry, he demands an explanation from the other pirate. The other pirate says, "I had to go through your half of the bottle to get to mine".
Then they discovered a second bottle of water. The first pirate said "Remember, the top half is yours and the bottom half is mine.". The next morning, all the water was gone again and there was a straw in the bottle.

[Enjoicube]

A log cabin. Hilarious :smile:

No, it's a house boat: ln(cabin)+c. You really went along with that joke.

[Ivan Seeking]

I had to give the cat a bath today and I still can't get all of the hair out of my mouth.

[Gokul43201]

• Someone needled a well-known wit: "I had your wife, without paying a penny". He replied: "It's my duty as a husband to couple with such a monstrosity. What made you do it?"

• An Abderite sees a eunuch talking with a woman and asks him if she's his wife. The guy responds that a eunuch is unable to have a wife. "Ah, so she's your daughter? "

• A misogynist is attending to the burial of his wife, who has just died, when someone asks: "Who is it who rests in peace here?". He answers: "Me, now that I'm rid of her!"

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/7725079.stm

The 265 jokes in Philogelos are attributed to a pair of jokers called Hierocles and Philagrius, about whom very little is known.
...
The book has been translated by William Berg, an American professor of Classics.

"The text of Philogelos comes to us from several manuscripts ranging from the 11th to the 15th Centuries," Berg said.

"All of them trace back to an earlier original, probably - judging from the content and language - from the 4th Century."

[MrMister]

What did the 0 say to the 8?

Nice belt.

[MrMister]

What kind of pants do the mario bros wear?

Denim, denim, denim.

[edward]

A blond takes three years to finally complete a jigsaw puzzle. A friend says: wow that was a long time. The blond replied: it says 8 to 10 years on the box.

[DyslexicHobo]

I thought this video was HILARIOUS! It has some mild vulgarity, so might be NSFW.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obIGsb-IZMo

One of the best lines of the song:
Q: "What's the opposite of ln(x)?"

A: "Duraflame, the unnatural log"

[Ivan Seeking]

When a news report showed a street sweeper that had been retrofitted as a snow plow, I couldn't help but notice: It's December and the plowers are brooming.

[TomHodder]

A plane is about to crash

A woman jumps up and says "Before i doe i want to be treated like a real woman. Who will treat me like a woman?"

A man jumps up, take off his top and say "Here iron this"

[xXdeadxlifeXx]

Did you hear about the farmer that got an STD?
It turns out he was allergic to sheep. xD


What's cheese that's not yours?
NACHO cheese!

[Ivan Seeking]

This thread has been getting absolutely hammered for days now. Does anyone know why?

edit: It comes up third in a google search for "lame jokes". Maybe that explains it?

[diver99]

A 3-legged dog goes into a bar and puts his one front paw up on the bar. The bartender asks "what can do for you?" The dog say "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw!"

[RunSwimSurf]

A serial killer is walking in the woods in the middle of the night with his next victim. The victim looks up at him and says, "I'm s-s-s-scared."
The serial killer replies,
"You're scared? I have to walk back by myself."

[Greenie]

did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed the missionary in the jungle?

[Greenie]

How does a lamb recognise its mummy?

It knows the baah code

[GeelongMofobi]

Two electrons are walking down the street.

The first one stops and says 'Oh, no! I think i've lost an electron!"
The second one says 'are you sure?'
The first one says 'Yeah, I'm positive'

*Ba doom doom tish*

[Ivan Seeking]

A birthday card sent to dad.

Front of card:
Did you hear about the 80 year old man who ran naked through a flower show?

Inside:
He won an award for best dried arrangement.

[Averagesupernova]

A duck walks into a bar and sits down. Bartender asks what he'll have and he asks if they have any grapes. The bartender says: "No, we don't have any grapes." The next day the same duck walks into the same bar and sits down. Bartender asks what he'll have and he asks if they have any grapes. The bartender clearly annoyed says: "No, we don't have any grapes!" The third day the same duck walks into the same bar and sits down. Bartender asks what he'll have and again he asks if they have any grapes. The bartender VERY annoyed says: "No, we don't have any damn grapes!" The third day the same duck walks into the same bar and sits down. Bartender asks what he'll have and yes, again, he asks if they have any grapes. The bartender is really p!ssed this time and says: "No, we don't have any friggin grapes. If you come in here one more time and ask for grapes I'll nail your little webbed feet to the floor. Now get out of here!" The very next day the same duck walks into the same bar and asks the same bartender: "Do you have any nails?" The bartender looks a bit confused and replies: NO. The duck says: "Good, do you have any grapes?"

[Ivan Seeking]

Yes we can!

- American Canning Company

[Tom Mattson]

A priest, a nun, and a rabbi walk into a bar. Bartender says, "What is this, some kinda joke?"

[IAmSuperman]

What is blue and white and if it falls out of a tree it can kill you?


A fridge wearing a denim jacket :rofl:

[Ivan Seeking]

A human head was found floating down the river today. It could be heard singing:
"Ain't got no body, that I can depend on..."

[DyslexicHobo]

What's black and white with wheels?

...

A zebra (I lied about the wheels)

[mbisCool]

Did you hear that the circus was in town? It's in tents.

What was Beethevon's favorite fruit? Bananananaaaaaa ( OOPS MY BAD)

I much prefer the former.

Kind of a joke: Can I be your pokemon? Because I wanna peek-atch-you

[Redbelly98]

What was Mozart's favorite fruit? Bananananaaaaaa


That one's less lame if you say Beethoven instead of Mozart :smile:

[Focus]

The Axiom of Choice is obviously true, the well-ordering principle obviously false, and who can tell about Zorn’s Lemma?

[Brilliant!]

Did you hear the one about the elephant, the lion, and the Rabbi?

[Ms Music]

How do you catch a unique rabbit?


You neak up on it.

:yuck:

[Ms Music]

A blond takes three years to finally complete a jigsaw puzzle. A friend says: wow that was a long time. The blond replied: it says 8 to 10 years on the box.

Or how about the blond that is having a hard time putting together a puzzle, so she calls her friend that is much smarter than her.

The friend comes over and looks at all the pieces on the table, and asks in bewilderment "what is it supposed to BE?" So the blond says, its supposed to be a tiger. See? And she hands over the box. Which happens to be a box of cereal.

THEIR GRRRRRRRRRRRREAT!

[Artman]

Q- What do yoy say to a one legged hitchhiker?
A- Hop in.


Q- what did the fish say when it ran into a wall?
A- Dam!

[Ivan Seeking]

Some guy cut his arm off in metal shop today.

He sewed it back on in Home-Ec

[Sparhawk]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

to see his flat mate.

[apbuiii]

Don't know if this one's been said:

Why is there a fence around a graveyard?




'cause people are just dying to get in :rofl:

[Jimmy Snyder]

Don't know if this one's been said:

Why is there a fence around a graveyard?




'cause people are just dying to get in :rofl:
And why are there benches scattered about? They're for rigor mortis to set in.

[Ivan Seeking]

Two politicians are having an argument. One of them yells "You're lying!!!". The other one responds, "Yes, I am, but hear me out!".

[BobG]

Ellie May: This here's my new pet, Little Jethro!

Granny: Little Jethro?! That critter ain't little! An' I sure hope his appetite is littler than Jethro's!

Ellie May: Aw, heck, Granny, he's just a baby! The man at the zoo says he'll grow up to be 4 foot tall and 300 pounds, cause he's a lion!

Granny: Darn right, he's a lyin'! Not even a bobcat gets that big!

[turbo]

So I says to the girl with the wooden leg "Peg, how're you standing' it?" and she says "I can't kick."

[Oscar Wilde]

This is a pretty old one,

If I were an enzyme, I would be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.

[Ivan Seeking]

Ellie May: This here's my new pet, Little Jethro!

Granny: Little Jethro?! That critter ain't little! An' I sure hope his appetite is littler than Jethro's!

Ellie May: Aw, heck, Granny, he's just a baby! The man at the zoo says he'll grow up to be 4 foot tall and 300 pounds, cause he's a lion!

Granny: Darn right, he's a lyin'! Not even a bobcat gets that big!

After I posted my joke I was thinking that I had posted that before. When I read yours, I was sure that not only had mine been posted before, but so had yours.

However, it also came to my attention that my joke was funnier the second time around. :biggrin:

[MaplePlayer]

this is the lamest joke i ever heard.. What is red and look like a bucket? a red bucket !!! :rofl:

[IMP]

A guy named Matt received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully-grown, with a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the least, rude. Matt tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got angrier and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Matt put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. Matt was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Matt's extended arm and said, "I believe that I might have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." Matt was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

[Ivan Seeking]

Fifty Years of Math 1959 - 2009 (in the USA )

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $ 2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters , but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.. Why do I tell you this?Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80.. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )

6. Teaching Math In 2009

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

[misgfool]

Fifty Years of Math 1959 - 2009 (in the USA )

This would be funny, if it were only a joke.

[Danger]

This would be funny, if it were only a joke.

Roger that. From the educational aspect, that is. As someone from an officially bilingual country, the last item seems a bit offensive. If TV were to be believed, every second Yank can speak Spanish, which to me makes the US an unofficially bilingual country. I am Spanish, and can't understand a word of it. The closest that I can get is occasionally gleaning something from the Latin roots when reading it. No chance with just listening.

[Ivan Seeking]

Roger that. From the educational aspect, that is. As someone from an officially bilingual country, the last item seems a bit offensive. If TV were to be believed, every second Yank can speak Spanish, which to me makes the US an unofficially bilingual country. I am Spanish, and can't understand a word of it. The closest that I can get is occasionally gleaning something from the Latin roots when reading it. No chance with just listening.

It is a bit on the edge, but it is also highly representitive of the problems we face. School systems in the border States [especially] have been overwhelmed with kids who can't speak English.

[Ivan Seeking]

My work often involves information that is proprietary to my customers. As a result, I am constantly reminded that I shouldn't talk to anyone about this or that. After being in business for over a decade, I finally popped off with the perfect answer: Oh, don't worry about it. In five minutes I won't remember anything we talked about anyway.

[turbo]

My work often involves information that is proprietary to my customers. As a result, I am constantly reminded that I shouldn't talk to anyone about this or that. After being in business for over a decade, I finally popped off with the perfect answer: Oh, don't worry about it. In five minutes I won't remember anything we talked about anyway.Tell me about! Much of my consulting work involved system analyses involving complex industrial systems that may or may not have been automated to some degree over the years. I couldn't show the finished work to prospective clients because it was proprietary, and it belonged to the existing/previous clients. Luckily, there were enough happy clients that word-of-mouth kept me busy enough to have to turn down work. Pulp and Paper is a commodity industry, and if you can squeeze out just a bit of extra efficiency at any stage of the process, it makes a big difference, so secrets are $$$$.

[BobG]

5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )

6. Teaching Math In 2009

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?


So all it takes to improve math education is an influx of people willing to work for a living?

[Ivan Seeking]

Just to be clear, that is not a racist joke; at least I don't think it is. In fact Tsu and my mother had the same reaction I did. When I mentioned that Danger thought the joke was racist, they both recognized the implication but were surprised by it. To those of us familiar with the immigration problem, it takes on a completely different context.

[BobG]

Just to be clear, that is not a racist joke; at least I don't think it is. In fact Tsu and my mother had the same reaction I did. When I mentioned that Danger thought the joke was racist, they both recognized the implication but were surprised by it. To those of us familiar with the immigration problem, it takes on a completely different context.

I didn't see it racist, per se, but I probably did pick out a different message than you did.

I think waves of immigrants, starting out disadvantaged and having to look for any advantage they could find, have tended to keep the US healthy when it comes to competing with the rest of the world.

This is just the latest wave of immigrants.

[Oscar Wilde]

Another one I heard once,

Q: Do old men wear boxers or briefs?

A:Depends

[Ivan Seeking]

I didn't see it racist, per se, but I probably did pick out a different message than you did.

I think waves of immigrants, starting out disadvantaged and having to look for any advantage they could find, have tended to keep the US healthy when it comes to competing with the rest of the world.

This is just the latest wave of immigrants.

As you know, the problem is uncontrolled immigration. The schools simply don't have the resources to keep up. Also, recall that many immigrants of the past went through Ellis Island. We have never had an open border.

[GeorginaS]

A guy named Matt received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully-grown, with a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the least, rude. Matt tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got angrier and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Matt put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. Matt was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Matt's extended arm and said, "I believe that I might have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." Matt was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

Okay, I laughed. Loud and everything. :biggrin:

[Beckybabeox]

lol, i keep laughing lol, is it becuase im lame? :) x

[Beckybabeox]

Don't know if this one's been said:

Why is there a fence around a graveyard?




'cause people are just dying to get in :rofl:


That Is Soooooo Funny :) x

[apbuiii]

How about this lame one. . .

Why can't bicycles stand up?






'cause it's two tired :rofl:

[Beckybabeox]

How about this lame one. . .

Why can't bicycles stand up?






'cause it's two tired :rofl:

:rofl: Thats funny but hard to get lmfao

[jtbell]

A proton and a neutron walk into a bar.

Bartender: OK, what'll you guys have?
Proton: Scotch on the rocks, please.
B: Three bucks, please.
Neutron: I'll have a martini, please.
B: For you, no charge.

[Kronos5253]

Here's a lame one for you..

How do you catch a rabbit?









Hide behind a tree and make a noise like a carrot

[BobG]

Two sodium atoms are flying around a cyclotron.
Suddenly the first atom said to the second, `Hey, I think I've just lost an electron.'
`Are you sure?' asked the second atom. `Yeah,' said the first, `I'm positive.'

:rofl::rofl::rofl:
:rofl::rofl::rofl:
:rofl::rofl::rofl:

That one's just hilarious! :rofl: Everyone knows the sodium atoms couldn't have been flying around a cyclotron unless they were ionized in the first place. :rofl:

[jtbell]

How do you tell a chemist from a non-chemist?

Show him the word UNIONIZED and ask him to pronounce it.

[tribdog]

How do you tell a chemist from a non-chemist?

Show him the word UNIONIZED and ask him to pronounce it.

just out of curiosity how do you pronounce it? It looks like Un-ionized to me.

[lisab]

just out of curiosity how do you pronounce it? It looks like Un-ionized to me.

trib, if you want a gold mine job, you better knock that off...union-ized :tongue2:.

[belliott4488]

Pessimist: Things are horrible. Everything is falling apart. Things can't get any worse.

Optimist: Yes they can.
Masochist: beat me, beat me!!

Sadist: No.

[Gad]

Two sodium atoms are flying around a cyclotron.
Suddenly the first atom said to the second, `Hey, I think I've just lost an electron.'
`Are you sure?' asked the second atom. `Yeah,' said the first, `I'm positive.'

:rofl::rofl::rofl:
:rofl::rofl::rofl:
:rofl::rofl::rofl:

That one's just hilarious! :rofl: Everyone knows the sodium atoms couldn't have been flying around a cyclotron unless they were ionized in the first place. :rofl:


:rofl: that's a good one:rofl:

[deferro]

Two neutrinos go through a bar...

What did the lepton say to the nucleus?
"I'm going out for a while, I may be some time..."

[i eat cheese]

This is really lame....

Knock Knock

Get the hell away from my door.

[Kronos5253]

This is really lame....

Knock Knock

Get the hell away from my door.

I'm going to start using that on people who try to tell me knock knock jokes lol

[jobyts]

Q: Who is the most famous married woman in America?

A: Mrs Sippi

[turbo]

What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?















Run away!!!! She's holding a live grenade!

[Pinu7]

Most jokes about Mathematics,Physics, Biology,or Chemistry is both lame and dry.

[BobG]

C:\Dos
C:\Dos\Run
Run\Dos\Run!

[BobG]

Q: How do you get an elephant on the subway?





A: Take the 's' out of subway and the 'f' out of way.

[Gad]

two drunks where talking,the first said: say, why do you think trains are important??, the second [was a nerd guy] answered: can't you see you jerk, there're lines beneath!!

[Kronos5253]

What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?















Run away!!!! She's holding a live grenade!


Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?




A: Pull the pin and throw it back!

[moamen811]

how to put two elephants in a pepsi can without touching each other?????!!!





put the first one then an elephant then the second one
:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

[qntty]

What's brown and sticky?

a stick

[Ivan Seeking]

Every time Dick Cheney smiles, an Angel in heaven get water-boarded.
- Jon Stewart

[Gad]

it's really funny when it comes from kid's mouth;


"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in daddy’s computer, Amen"

[lisab]

it's really funny when it comes from kid's mouth;


"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in daddy’s computer, Amen"

OK, drizzle...that one really made me laugh :smile:.

What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a kitchen, in France?

Linoleum Blown Apart.

[VeeEight]

I'm too lazy to look through the thread but the Rodney Dangerfield jokes a few pages down are classic! I used the first one a couple of times to (try to) pick up women*

An now for a joke (hope it hasn't been said already)
There are 10 types of people in the world; those that know binary and those that don't



* I failed miserably

[Ivan Seeking]

My wife wanted bark chips so I blew up the dog.

[Hurkyl]

There are 10 types of people in the world; those that know binary and those that don't
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who know ternary, those who don't, and those who thought this was going to be a binary joke.

[humanino]

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who know ternary, those who don't, and those who thought this was going to be a binary joke.From which we can infer a lower bound of at least \aleph_{0} types of people possible, thus plenty of room for originality.
This is not going to be a boring world.

[Ivan Seeking]

http://img212.imageshack.us/img212/9341/eyechart.png (http://img212.imageshack.us/i/eyechart.png/)

[sas3]

This one was sent to me in an e-mail.

What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?
For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment

Is that lame enough for you?

[BobG]

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my lifelike men. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody tooted their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.

He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.

"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"

[Math Is Hard]

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"

You're such a blond. :smile:

[QuantumED]

3rd Lamest Joke I know.
2nd is Atom and losing electron joke, 1st is pi and square root of negative 1.
Is Mr Wall there?
No.
Is Mrs Wall there?
No.
Are any of the Walls there?
No.
Then what's holding your house up.
*Pauses for groans*

[Sorry!]

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my lifelike men. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody tooted their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.

He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.

"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"

haha I laughed at that one actually. Good stuff.

[Ivan Seeking]

haha I laughed at that one actually. Good stuff.

I agree. Had to email that one to a few folks.

[jtbell]

A guy goes to see a psychiatrist.

Guy: Doc, every night I've been having these weird dreams in which I'm a pair of teepees with Indians crawling in and out all night.

Doc: OK, here's a prescription for some tranquilizers.

Guy: Tranquilizers???

Doc: Sure, you're two tents.

[QuantumED]

A guy goes to see a psychiatrist.

Guy: Doc, every night I've been having these weird dreams in which I'm a pair of teepees with Indians crawling in and out all night.

Doc: OK, here's a prescription for some tranquilizers.

Guy: Tranquilizers???

Doc: Sure, you're two tents.

Rofl.

_____________________
If I knew how to get a signature I'd have one.

[Ivan Seeking]

Doctor: I have really bad news. You have cancer, and you have alzheimer's.

Patient: Oh thank God! I was afraid it was cancer.

[jobyts]

I'm determined to only have three kids because I have heard that one out of every four kids born in the world is Chinese.

[GeorginaS]

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan. :biggrin:

[GeorginaS]

OK, drizzle...that one really made me laugh :smile:.

What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a kitchen, in France?

Linoleum Blown Apart.


Ha! Okay, I laughed out loud for real.

[Gad]

I'm determined to only have three kids because I have heard that one out of every four kids born in the world is Chinese.

:rofl: that is a lame one. here's one;


they say that an elephant never forgets; but then, what does an elephant have to remember? :tongue:

[Jimmy]

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey! We have a drink named after you."

The grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Marvin?"


WATT is the unit of power?


Stone walls do not a prism make, nor iron bars a diffraction grating.


Q: Why won't Heisenbergs' operators live in the suburbs
A: They don't commute


Polymer physicists are into chains.

[OmCheeto]

I discovered that I was allergic to latex, when I put on my first condom, and my penis swelled up.

:eek:

[w3390]

Did you guys know: a cardboard belt is a waist of paper.

[WhoWee]

Let me try, here.

What do you call a dead blonde in a closet? A 1997 World Hide-and-Seek champion.

Did you hear about the two ants on the toilet seat? One of them got pissed off.

Now that's funny.

[BobG]

If you're wondering why I haven't been on much lately, it's because I was walking near a mental institution the other day. I could hear a bunch of the residents yelling, "13 .... 13 .... 13 ..... 13!", but I couldn't see why they were yelling - the grounds are closed off on that side by a wooden fence that's too tall to see over.

Finally, I noticed a gap between two loose boards. I peeked through and someone poked me in the eye with a stick! It left me writhing on the ground in pain covering my injured eye.

As I dragged myself up off the ground and thought about making a trip to the emergency room, it heard the residents started yelling, "14 .... 14 ..... 14 ..... 14!"

[SignorPorcino]

Q. Why didn't the teddy bear eat its dessert?
A. Because he was stuffed!

Q. Where do generals keep their armies?
A. In their sleevies!

Q.Why was the nose sad?
A. Because it wasn't picked!

Just thought I'd throw those out there.

[mlerocks]

why is a crocodile brown and flat? Because if it was round and yellow it would be a lemon!:rofl:

Why did the elephant satnd on the marshmellow? Because it didnt want to get into the hot chocolate!:biggrin:

Why didn't the chicken skeleton want to cross the road? Because it had no guts!:wink:

[mlerocks]

those r funny!!!

[Galteeth]

Why are pirate physicists the worst kind of pirates?


They make you walk the planck.

[GeorginaS]

Olaf and his wife had been married for 50 years when Olaf passed away.

His wife went to the newspaper to publish an announcement. She told the obituary writer to print the words, "Olaf died".

"Oh come now," said the newsman, "you must have something more you'd like to say about him. After all, you've been married for 50 years. You have children. He was an upstanding member of the community. Surely there must be something! Here, if money is an issue, you can have the first five words for free".

So she thought for a moment and then said, "Olaf died. Boat for sale." :biggrin:

[Jimmy Snyder]

Olaf died. Boat for sale.
:rofl:
When Olaf was younger he found a mirror on his walk in the woods and brought it home to his wife. She threw it back at him angrily asking "Why did you bring me a picture of your girlfriend?". He looked at it again and said "That's not a picture of my girlfriend, it's a picture of my father."

[Borg]

A Catholic teacher gave her children the following assignment. When you go to heaven, what part of your body goes first?

The next day, she asks if the students had their answers. After several children answered, little Johnie raised his hand excitedly. "OK, Johnie, what part of your body goes to heaven first?", she asked.

Your feet!

Your feet? Why would your feet go to heaven first?

Well, last night I was thinking really hard about the question when I saw my sister with her feet sticking straight up in the air saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!". And, if her boyfriend hadn't been holding her down, she would have gone too!

[ghostilla]

A lion would never cheat on his wife; A Tiger Wood.

[Hurkyl]

The English have historically been good at overt warfare -- they had proud armies of redcoats and their use of longbowmen in the middle ages was unparalleled!

But why were they so adverse to covert warfare in those days? It's less-well known, but they did an experiment with covert warfare in the middle ages that led to disaster after they reversed the direction of their arrows.

[Ivan Seeking]

The English have historically been good at overt warfare -- they had proud armies of redcoats and their use of longbowmen in the middle ages was unparalleled!

But why were they so adverse to covert warfare in those days? It's less-well known, but they did an experiment with covert warfare in the middle ages that led to disaster after they reversed the direction of their arrows.

Temporal paradoxes aside, this is not to be confused with the origins of the sparsely-populated sport of javelin catching.

[Ivan Seeking]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that.'

[Dembadon]

What did the snowman say to the other snowman?



"Do you smell carrot?"


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What did the snail say as he rode on the back of a turtle?



Wheeee!

[Galteeth]

Q: How many Polish people does it take to elect the mayor of Warsaw?








A: Approximately 400,000, a plurality of the average number of voters in mayoral elections.

[jtbell]

What really happened to Julius Caesar on the ides of March:

After a mid-day break, he returned to the Roman Senate and was accosted by Brutus and some others. Brutus asked, "And how many pizzaburgers did you eat for lunch today, Julius?"

Julius responded, "Et two, Brute," then keeled over with a heart attack and died on the spot.

[Sorry!]

A Catholic teacher gave her children the following assignment. When you go to heaven, what part of your body goes first?

The next day, she asks if the students had their answers. After several children answered, little Johnie raised his hand excitedly. "OK, Johnie, what part of your body goes to heaven first?", she asked.

Your feet!

Your feet? Why would your feet go to heaven first?

Well, last night I was thinking really hard about the question when I saw my sister with her feet sticking straight up in the air saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!". And, if her boyfriend hadn't been holding her down, she would have gone too!

LOL Imagine the teachers expression after that one.

[Borg]

If you're ever about to be mugged by a couple of clowns, don't hesitate - go for the juggler.

[IMP]

Two weeks ago was my 34th birthday and I wasn`t feeling too good that morning.
I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me.
As it turned out, she didn`t even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday.
I thought, well, that`s wives for you, the children will remember...The children came in to breakfast and didn`t say a word.
So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent..
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss, Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.
I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it`s such a beautiful day outside, and it`s your birthday, let`s go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "That`s the greatest thing I`ve heard all day, let`s go!"
We went to lunch we didn`t go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it`s such a beautiful day, we don`t need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let`s go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don`t mind, I think I`ll go into the bedroom. "Sure!" I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there ... on the couch ... naked.

[Mattara]

- I use to this that correlation implied causation, but then I took a course in statistics and now I don't.
- Ah, so the course was useful for you?
- Well, maybe.

(old xkcd joke)

[Ivan Seeking]

Two weeks ago was my 34th birthday and I wasn`t feeling too good that morning.
I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me.
As it turned out, she didn`t even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday.
I thought, well, that`s wives for you, the children will remember...The children came in to breakfast and didn`t say a word.
So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent..
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss, Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.
I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it`s such a beautiful day outside, and it`s your birthday, let`s go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "That`s the greatest thing I`ve heard all day, let`s go!"
We went to lunch we didn`t go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it`s such a beautiful day, we don`t need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let`s go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don`t mind, I think I`ll go into the bedroom. "Sure!" I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there ... on the couch ... naked.

When I was a kid, many years ago, a friend of my dad's was rushing home from work because he was about to pee his pants. As he rushed through the front door of his home with his business already hanging out - ready for desperately needed business - he heard, SURPRISE!

He didn't even realize it was his birthday.

[Ivan Seeking]

http://img196.imageshack.us/img196/7596/surgeryfail1.jpg

[Borg]

I have to admit to getting this one from Car Talk (http://www.cartalk.com/content/timekill/lamejokes/husb-wives.html).

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi,and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died . . . I'm married to his bleepin' widow."

[RunSwimSurf]

http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ku9oxu2JAp1qa8wc3o1_500.jpg

[mattlarabee]

The jokes on this thread are so fantastically lame I had to create an account and make my contribution.

Q: What did one snowman say to the other?

A: I smell carrots!

Boom roasted.

[IMP]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman Boarding
the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate Would
have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or
pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever Seen sitting
next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your Business
role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned From my
personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are
the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it
is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best Stamina is
the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry,"
she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't
even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

[IMP]

A woman sitting in a Bondi restaurant suddenly began to cough.After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,and two locals, Kenzie and Bruce sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

'Kin ya swaller?' asked Kenzie.

The woman signalled 'No!' desperately shaking her head.

'Kin ya breathe?' asked Brian.

The woman shook her head 'No!!!'

With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down her bum.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Bruce said in admiration, 'Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Maneuver, but that's the first time I ever seen anybody do it'

[Ivan Seeking]

I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Maneuver, but that's the first time I ever seen anybody do it'

Jokes like that should be illegal. :biggrin:

[IMP]

There was a penguin on a cross America driving tour -- is was slow in the Antarctic, was on his annual vacation. When he was in Arizona, the penguin saw his oil light come on and decided that he'd best get it looked at. He stopped at a garage and they told him to come back in a half an hour so they could look at it. The penguin then walked up the street, and he spotted an ice cream store. To a penguin in the desert, nothing sounded better than ice cream. So he went in an order a big bowl of vanilla ice cream. Unfortunately, the penguin didn't have hands, he only had flippers, so he really made a mess of things but then he saw it was time to go back to the garage. The penguin waddled back up the street to the garage and the mechanic said "Well, it looks like you blew a seal."
"No," the penguin replied, "it's only ice cream."

[Borg]

OMG :rofl:

[IMP]

What do you call a monkey in a minefield ?

A Baboom !

[Evo]

:rofl: @ IMP

[sandbanana]

Not so much a joke as a fun explanation.

Why are fire trucks red?

There are eight men and four wheels.Eight and four make twelve.There are twelve inches in a ruler.Queen Elizabeth was a ruler.Queen Elizabeth was a ship.Ships sail the seas.The seas have fish.The fish have fins.The Fins fought the Russians and the Russians were red.

[BobG]

A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is dark red. He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and sees that there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too.

"Oh no!!" he says, "I think I've been marooned!!"

[BobG]

After opening the first restaurant on the moon, Bob was disappointed to receive only 2 stars in the newspaper's restaurant review section.

"Great food, no atmosphere."

[Ivan Seeking]

http://i.thefairest.info/funniest_thumbs/FrQOrO.jpeg
http://thefunniest.info/top.html

[jtbell]

What do you get when you're attacked by a vampire snowman?

Frostbite.

[Ivan Seeking]

http://1av10.nu/~hymn/misc/1140088007447.jpg
http://digg.com/odd_stuff/Don_t_worry_m_am_we_re_from_the_internet_PIC

[Dembadon]

Excellent find, Ivan.

I'm guessing they are LARPers. The gentleman squatting in the center, resting his chin on his fist, is my favorite.

[turbo]

Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.

[Goofguy]

Q:
Why do gorillas have big fingers?

A:
Because they have nostrils?

Q:
What do you get when you 20lbs of apples in one hand and 18lbs of ice cream in the other?

A:
REALLY BIG HANDS.

[Eynstone]

Heisenberg went for a drive and was pulled over by a traffic cop.
The cop asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am."

Q. Why did the squirrel swim on its back?
A. To keep its nuts dry.

"I know this defies the law of gravity, but I've never studied law !"
-Bugs Bunny.

[Goofguy]

There once was a lion who roamed the jungle. One day when he was prowiling for a meal, he stumbled on two humans who were sitting under a big tree. Since he was too lazy to kill and eat both of them, he had to make a decision.

He noticed how one human was reading a book and the other human was writing a book. After much contemplating he decided to eat the one who was reading a book. Because even a lion knows that reader's digest and writer's block.

[Ivan Seeking]

http://media.funlol.com/content/img/donut-seeds.jpg
http://www.funlol.com/14437/Donut_seeds.html

[MotoH]

What do seal hunters drink?



Canadian Club.

[Zenparticle]

EDIT

Where do lice go when they wish to travel?The hairport.

[IMP]

How many posts on an actual physics forum web site related to a "lame jokes" thread?
400

[Ivan Seeking]

http://www.sogoodblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/KFC-Double-Down.jpg
http://www.sogoodblog.com/2009/08/25/kfc-double/

Al-Qaeda got one look at KFC's new Double Down, and gave up. "There is no way that we can kill Americans as fast as you guys!".

- Jay Leno

[Borg]

One day, a professor was giving a big test to his students. He handed out the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in.

The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying: "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test...and $64 change!

[Borg]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you''re an engineer--you're in the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What?? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"


Note: Here's where I got the last two: Berkeley Joke Engine (http://eigentaste.berkeley.edu/user/jokes.php)

[jmason52]

Did you hear about the explosion at the bakery?







There was a Napoleon Blownapart.

[Goofguy]

There were 3 irish men sitting and talking at a bar. All of them had many beers and were drunk. One guy needed to urinate so he went to the washroom. The other two started talking about their families.

One said "hey, my son is great, he recently became a doctor and gave a house to his true love". The other said "isn't that a coincidence? my son gave a private jet to his true love".

The third man had then just come from the washroom, and one guy said "Hey, what does your son do? He replied "my son's a male-stripper and he recently got a private jet and a house for his birthday"

[jtbell]

A minister, a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer were waiting to be executed at the guillotine.

First up was the minister. The executioner asked, "Do you want to lie face up or face down?" The minister replied "Face down." He was put in position, the executioner released the rope, and the blade rattled to a stop halfway down. The executioner said, "Apparently it is the will of God that you should remain alive, so you may go free."

Next came the doctor. The same sequence of events took place.

Next came the lawyer. The same sequence of events took place.

Next came the engineer. The executioner asked, "Do you want to lie face up or face down?" The engineer replied "Face up." The watching crowd murmured, "Oooh, see how brave he is." Just as the executioner was about to release the rope, the engineer cried out:

"Wait a minute, wait a minute! I think I see what your problem is!"

[The legend]

Did you hear about the old lady who died when she was young?

Cant be any more lame!

[p1ayaone1]

What's the difference between a duck?


-One of its legs are both the same

[Ivan Seeking]

http://img203.imageshack.us/img203/1919/kfcwmd.jpg (http://img203.imageshack.us/i/kfcwmd.jpg/)

[GeorginaS]

A minister, a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer were waiting to be executed at the guillotine.

First up was the minister. The executioner asked, "Do you want to lie face up or face down?" The minister replied "Face down." He was put in position, the executioner released the rope, and the blade rattled to a stop halfway down. The executioner said, "Apparently it is the will of God that you should remain alive, so you may go free."

Next came the doctor. The same sequence of events took place.

Next came the lawyer. The same sequence of events took place.

Next came the engineer. The executioner asked, "Do you want to lie face up or face down?" The engineer replied "Face up." The watching crowd murmured, "Oooh, see how brave he is." Just as the executioner was about to release the rope, the engineer cried out:

"Wait a minute, wait a minute! I think I see what your problem is!"

Hee!

[IMP]

An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his new girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special. At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.' 'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

All Seniors Aren't Senile

[Ivan Seeking]

I get a kick out of some greeting cards. I recently gave one to a friend that has a closeup of an elephant's butt [tail down] as the front cover. Inside, the card reads: Nothing says Happy Birthday like a big-as* card!

[BobG]

An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his new girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special. At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.' 'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

All Seniors Aren't Senile

Hmmm, that's not a joke. It's a dating tip!

I'm going to have to try that.

[IMP]

Joe wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Joe had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Joe sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick.

'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, Darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Joe asks:

'Son... what happened last night?' 'Well, you came home after 3 A.M drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.' Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT!...

Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone b!tch, I'm married!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirin s $..38

Saying the right thing, at the right time......priceless!!

[Ivan Seeking]

It looks like the American public gets the last laugh after all. While the guardians of the economy at the SEC were stuck looking at cheesy porn, we were actually getting screwed!
http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/sec-pornography-employees-spent-hours-surfing-porn-sites/story?id=10452544

[Ivan Seeking]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you''re an engineer--you're in the wrong place."

That St. Peter, he can't remember a damned thing!

[Borg]

That St. Peter, he can't remember a damned thing!

Or that something wasn't damned. :tongue:

[Ivan Seeking]

Or that something wasn't damned. :tongue:

There you go! He can't remember one undamned thing. :biggrin:

[Ivan Seeking]

Why do polar bears love igloos?

They're crunchy on the outside and chewy in the middle

[Borg]

This PF thread - Hello! (http://www.physicsforums.com/showthread.php?t=401577)

[HeLiXe]

A duck walks into a pharmacy and says, "Give me some chapstick and put it on my bill."

I know this is an old post, but lololz:rofl:

[Redbelly98]

Why do polar bears love igloos?
Good one, but nobody tells it as well as Gary Larson:

http://www.worthpoint.com/pmimages/images1/1/0808/21/1_dfeebaa714abde62c3dfd28ef9300ba6.jpg

[Ivan Seeking]

Good one, but nobody tells it as well as Gary Larson:

http://www.worthpoint.com/pmimages/images1/1/0808/21/1_dfeebaa714abde62c3dfd28ef9300ba6.jpg

That's where I got it. :biggrin:

[lisab]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

[HeLiXe]

loloolololol

[gravenewworld]

BREAKING NEWS:

That actress Reese, can't think of her last name, just stabbed herself. Man I didn't see that one coming at all.

[BobG]

BREAKING NEWS:

That actress Reese, can't think of her last name, just stabbed herself. Man I didn't see that one coming at all.

That reminds me how Chris Berman used to make up funny nicknames for the baseball players on ESPN. When Scott Leius was playing for the Twins, I just kept waiting for Bermans' "Scott 'Willyersister' Leius", but he just wouldn't go there.

[Ivan Seeking]

Engineer A rides up to Engineer B, on a bicycle. B asked A where he got the bike. "It was amasing", said A, "this beautiful woman rode up to me on this bicycle, jumped off, ripped off her clothes, and said to take whatever I want".

"Good choice", said B, "What would you do with women's clothing?"

[Ivan Seeking]

Russ started a thread in philosophy about parent-mandated birth control for young women. I don't remember where or when, exactly, but this reminded me of a friend from my childhood; I'd say my early teens:

His mother was always threatening to get a retroactive abortion.

[HeLiXe]

Engineer A rides up to Engineer B, on a bicycle. B asked A where he got the bike. "It was amasing", said A, "this beautiful woman rode up to me on this bicycle, jumped off, ripped off her clothes, and said to take whatever I want".

"Good choice", said B, "What would you do with women's clothing?"

:rofl::rofl: oh man this is good stuff lolol

[Ivan Seeking]

A group of older gentlemen are playing cards. Carl is cleaning everyone's clock so badly that finally the other players demand to know what's going on. Carl starts laughing and explains that he's been taking a memory course and it has really helped his card game. "What is the name of the course", asked one player, "I'd like to take it".

Carl thinks for a moment and then asks, "Does anyone remember the rings that we got in high school?". "Do you mean the graduation ring?", asked one player. "Yeah, that's what I'm talking about", said Carl. "Now, do you remember the stone used in the ring?". "That was a ruby", asserts another player. "Yes, that was it!", exclaimed Carl. Then he turns and yells into the kitchen where his wife is working:" Hey Ruby, what is the name of that memory course we are taking?".

[Ivan Seeking]

Oh yes, and this is another good one

A group of older gentlemen are playing cards. Carl is cleaning everyone's clock so badly that finally the other players demand to know what's going on. Carl starts laughing and explains that he's been taking a memory course and it has really helped his card game. "What is the name of the course", asked one player, "I'd like to take it".

Carl thinks for a moment and then asks, "Does anyone remember the rings that we got in high school?". "Do you mean the graduation ring?", asked one player. "Yeah, that's what I'm talking about", said Carl. "Now, do you remember the stone used in the ring?". "That was a ruby", asserts another player. "Yes, that was it!", exclaimed Carl. Then he turns and yells into the kitchen where his wife is working:" Hey Ruby, what is the name of that memory course we are taking?".

[turbo]

I liked it better the first time. :rolleyes:

[Ivan Seeking]

I liked it better the first time. :rolleyes:

Still, obviously you are old enough to not only get, but also to appreciate the pun. :biggrin:

[HeLiXe]

lolz

[EnumaElish]

What did mother buffalo say to his son as she was leaving?







"Bye, son..."

[EnumaElish]

Hehe... [and, "welcome"]

[hunterddog]

shintzel walkes into a bar, mounge says Y the long face, get it cause u got a long face

[DJsTeLF]

They violate causality!







What's the strangest thing about tacheons?

[Ivan Seeking]

The trouble with Asian news is that you can watch the news, but a half-hour later you want to watch it again.
- The Daily Show

[Hestia]

Beer doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean... On everything around you.

[HeLiXe]

^^Ya that is definitely a groaner!

[Jimmy Snyder]

Someone called a travel agent and asked "How long does it take to get from New York to Tokyo?" The travel agent said "just a moment" and went to look it up. But the caller said thank you and hung up.

[HeLiXe]

lololol

[Ivan Seeking]

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF:

1. You refine heroin for a living, but have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your rearend with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean".

5. You think vests come in two styles -- bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

[OmCheeto]

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF:

.....

Bwah. Hahahaha! :rofl:

I stole your list, and have started the new viral email.

Thank you, and give Tsu a smooch for me. :smile:

[Goofguy]

A group of older gentlemen are playing cards. Carl is cleaning everyone's clock so badly that finally the other players demand to know what's going on. Carl starts laughing and explains that he's been taking a memory course and it has really helped his card game. "What is the name of the course", asked one player, "I'd like to take it".

Carl thinks for a moment and then asks, "Does anyone remember the rings that we got in high school?". "Do you mean the graduation ring?", asked one player. "Yeah, that's what I'm talking about", said Carl. "Now, do you remember the stone used in the ring?". "That was a ruby", asserts another player. "Yes, that was it!", exclaimed Carl. Then he turns and yells into the kitchen where his wife is working:" Hey Ruby, what is the name of that memory course we are taking?".

I don't get it... can someone explain

[EnumaElish]

I don't get it... can someone explainHis wife's name is "Ruby."

[Ivan Seeking]

And he had to use his memory technique in order to remember his wife's name. :biggrin:

I should have credited the Taliban jokes to Jeff Foxworthy; received via viral email.

[Galteeth]

Still, obviously you are old enough to not only get, but also to appreciate the pun. :biggrin:

I didn't get it.

[ivanbalvan]

A guy walks into a doctors office, with a huge purple head.
The doctor asks him
-What happend to you?
the guy replied
-Oh I messed up doctor, i really messed up!
then the doctor asked him
-What happend tell me, how did you get this giant purple head.
So the guy tell him
-Well I was on this island and I found a lamp with a genie inside, and he said he would grant me 3 wishes.. but i messed up soo bad doc, man did I mess up..
The doctor was very confused and asked him I dont understand how you got the giant purple head...
So the guy began to explain
-Well you see doc, the genie said I had 3 wishes, so my first wish was to have a suit case full of money
The doctor had the confused look on this head
-I still dont understand how you got the giant purple head...
The guy kept telling his story.
-Well my second wish was to go back home to my family, but i messed up doc.. oh did I ever mess up!
Then the doctor said well what was your 3rd wish?
the guy told him
-thats where I messed up doc..., I wished for a giant purple head...

[zzzilch]

Why is Superman's costume so tight?
Because his costume says S

Why is Batman's costume so tight?
Because Superman bought it for him

Why is Spiderman's costume so tight?
Because buy 2, free 1. (Superman gave Spiderman the extra.)

One day, Batman and Superman had a race. Superman won. How come?
Because when Batman begins, Superman returns.

[brother time]

Do you want to hear a carpenter joke?

Well I'm still working on it.

When do cannibals leave the table?

When every ones eaten

[Lancelot59]

A guy walks into a bar, walks up to a woman and says "How do you like your eggs? Scrambled or fertilized?"

[ectrhoi]

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... ba dum chhhhh!

[HeLiXe]

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... ba dum chhhhh!

:rofl::rofl: OMG that one got me!

[Lancelot59]

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... ba dum chhhhh!
Ditto. That was pretty good.

[Borg]

HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher. Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.

"$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Chip & Dip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!"

Then I would say, "It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

[HeLiXe]

:rofl:
amazing how everyone knew what dog crap tastes like:tongue2:

[Lancelot59]

:rofl:
amazing how everyone knew what dog crap tastes like:tongue2:

I wonder if feces are a delicacy somewhere in the world...

[HeLiXe]

lololololol...STOP! I'm eating :tongue2:

[Lancelot59]

lololololol...STOP! I'm eating :tongue2:

Nom nom nom? Or Mon Mon Mon?

[HeLiXe]

LOLOL
http://images.icanhascheezburger.com/completestore/2008/6/3/heymon128570287966392236.jpg

[Lancelot59]

I meant mon mon mon as in vomiting because you said you were eating...

But that dog was hilarious.

[HeLiXe]

Yeah I knew what you meant, but it reminded me of "hey mon" hence the dog there. :biggrin:

and really I was eating and totally about to barf !

[Lancelot59]

But I do wonder if people actually do eat feces...

[HeLiXe]

Well actually they do....some even for medicinal purposes, like in the ayurveda. There is even cow urine in a can like a soft drink called gau jal!

[Lancelot59]

Well actually they do....some even for medicinal purposes, like in the ayurveda. There is even cow urine in a can like a soft drink called gau jal!

How is that sanitary?

[HeLiXe]

They boil it?

[Lancelot59]

IDEA! Poop cakes with urea icing!

[HeLiXe]

Why is there no barf emoticon on PF?http://www.bostonsportsmedia.net/forum/public/style_emoticons/default/puke.gif

[Lancelot59]

The throw up emoticon got thrown out.

Get it? We do have this one: :yuck:

[HeLiXe]

Well one man's waste is another man's food....or something like that....

[Borek]

How is that sanitary?

Urine is surprisingly sterile, unless you happen to have UTI.

[Lancelot59]

Urine is surprisingly sterile, unless you happen to have UTI.
I guess.

[Martin Rattigan]

Q: What has seven eyes but can't see?

A: Three blind mice and half a sheep's head.

[M.Alastair]

1. Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted.


2. A termite walks into a bar room and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"


3. "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."


4. What's brown and sticky? A stick.


5. Why are proctologists so gloomy?
They always have the end in sight.


6. What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
Roamin' Catholic.


7. What did the apple say to the orange?
Nothing stupid, apples don't talk.


8. What do you do with a dog that has no legs?
Take him out for a drag.


9. Why can't a chicken coop have more than 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.


10. Famous last words of a mafia hitman: "Who put the violin in the violin case?"

[HeLiXe]

A: Three blind mice and half a sheep's head.

Ahhhh...more esoteric cuisine!

[mollymae]

We have to go to the veterinarian. (Why?) Because *flex biceps* these pythons are sick!!

[Tianman]

Two hydrogen atoms are walking down the street,
One says to the other:

"Damn! I lost an electron!"

"Are you sure?"

"Im Positive"

[HeLiXe]

*snickers*

[Ivan Seeking]

The Russian spies arrested were doing everything they could to fit in as Americans. In fact, for two weeks, they even pretended to like soccer!
- David Letterman

[Ivan Seeking]

Senator Sessions: Ms. Kagan, where were you on Christmas?

Kagan starts to respond in terms of the failed Christmas day bombing.

Sessions: No, I was simply where you were on Christmas.

Kagan: Well, Senator, like most Jews, I was having dinner in a Chinese restaurant.

[Borg]

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still wrong?

George Carlin

[Lancelot59]

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Well since you set out to fail in the first place, you would've failed.

[GeorginaS]

Senator Sessions: Ms. Kagan, where were you on Christmas?

Kagan starts to respond in terms of the failed Christmas day bombing.

Sessions: No, I was simply where you were on Christmas.

Kagan: Well, Senator, like most Jews, I was having dinner in a Chinese restaurant.

I saw that on The Daily Show and laughed really loud.

If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still wrong?

George Carlin

If you have to ask...

[GeorginaS]

Q: What has seven eyes but can't see?

A: Three blind mice and half a sheep's head.

1. Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted.


2. A termite walks into a bar room and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"


3. "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."


4. What's brown and sticky? A stick.


5. Why are proctologists so gloomy?
They always have the end in sight.


6. What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
Roamin' Catholic.


7. What did the apple say to the orange?
Nothing stupid, apples don't talk.


8. What do you do with a dog that has no legs?
Take him out for a drag.


9. Why can't a chicken coop have more than 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.


10. Famous last words of a mafia hitman: "Who put the violin in the violin case?"

Oh, okay, ouch from laughing!

[Borg]

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk I have a work station...

[Pattonias]

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk I have a work station...

I find my work station is often where my work stops as well. :rofl:

[Jimmy Snyder]

I love my home computer, but I'm sleeping with the one at work.

[Borg]

Out in the backwoods of some midwestern state, little Johnny arrives at school an hour late.

Teacher: "Why are you so late, John?"
Johny: "My big brother got shot in the as*."
(The teacher corrects his speech.)
Teacher: "Rectum."
Johnny: "Wrecked him!? Hell, It damn near killed him!"

[Ivan Seeking]

My father taught me everything I know about sex. Luckily, he was a gentle man.

[HeLiXe]

>_< I could have done without that one. *vomits*

[Gad]

Is this a joke!!! :eek:

[Ivan Seeking]

:rofl: Yeah, it's one of those jokes that make you cringe!

[Borek]

Sister to brother: "you are better than Dad in bed". "I know, Mom told me".

[nobahar]

"The Prime Minister is going on a tour of the friendly countries, expected back tomorrow."
Paraphrased from The Two Ronnies, mentioned on the Rob Brydon Show the other night.
I'm sure there's a slight alteration that can be made for the American President there somewhere...

[FrancisZ]

SAY! Did you hear the one about the 2 peanuts that got on the subway? One of them was assaulted! Waka Waka! :biggrin:

[FrancisZ]

1. Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted.

Damn...beat me to the punch...line.

[Upisoft]

After having some fun reading this thread Cancer man-made or junk science? (http://www.physicsforums.com/showthread.php?t=439253) I've remembered an old joke. It is probably not original, but localized version (I live in Bulgaria).

During archeological excavations in Greece they found a piece of copper wire. Archeologists concluded that ancient Greeks must had telephone for communication. The archeologists in UK then made discovery in their excavation. it was a piece of glass fiber. The conclusion was that the ancient inhabitants of the island were using fiber-optic digital communications. Finally the archeologists in Bulgaria decided to search for clues. After many years they found nothing. The conclusion was that the ancient Bulgarians were much more advanced and they have used wireless technology. :biggrin:

[xunxine]

Got this via email:
|
V

HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB?

Put about 100 bricks in no particular order in a closed room with an open window.
Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.
Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.

If they are counting the bricks.
Put them in the Accounts Department.

If they are recounting them.
Put them in Auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks.
Put them in Engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order.
Put them in Planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other.
Put them in Operations.

If they are sleeping.
Put them in Security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces.
Put them in Information Technology.

If they are sitting idle.
Put them in Human Resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved.
Put them in Sales.

If they have already left for the day.
Put them in Marketing.

If they are staring out of the window.
Put them on Strategic Planning.

And then last but not least...

If they are standing around talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved.
Congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

[mugaliens]

a piece of string walks into a bar.

the bar tender says "Hey you, string! get out of here! we don't serve string in this bar!" so the string walks outside into the alley, ties himself into a knot and frays his ends up as much as he can.

he walks back into the bar.

the bartender says "hey! aren't you that piece of string?!"

the string replies "nope, frayed knot!"

[nino508]

i just had to create an account here cos i laughed so much when i read some of these jokes lol

[Lancelot59]

i just had to create an account here cos i laughed so much when i read some of these jokes lol

That's a good a reason as any I guess. :rofl: Welcome to the forums.

[nino508]

That's a good a reason as any I guess. :rofl: Welcome to the forums.

haha thanks
i'll try thinking of the lames jokes i know xD

[HeLiXe]

Welcome nino :biggrin:

[Ivan Seeking]

Politicians are like baby diapers - they have to be changed often, and for the same reason.

[mugaliens]

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

[The legend]

Politicians are like baby diapers - they have to be changed often, and for the same reason.

:rofl:

[HeLiXe]

:rofl:

[NobodySpecial]

Management training interview questions.

1, How do you get a giraffe into a fridge?
Open the door - sometimes the answer is simple

2, How do you get an elephant into a fridge?
First remove the giraffe - remember that previous decisions have consequences

3, The lion king holds a meeting of all the animals, who is missing
The elephant - remember you left him in the fridge, memory is useful for managers.

4, You have to cross a river, how do you avoid being eaten by crocodiles?
Easy, the crocodiles are all at the meeting - if you hold too many meetings nothing gets done.

In tests, 90% of management trainees got no questions right.
However many kindergarten pupils got some of them right.
Anderson consulting publicized this result as scientific proof that managers are NOT like 4 year olds!

[mugaliens]

Management training interview questions.

1, How do you get a giraffe into a fridge?
Open the door - sometimes the answer is simple

FAIL. Volume of giraffe exceeds that of a fridge.

2, How do you get an elephant into a fridge?
First remove the giraffe - remember that previous decisions have consequences

STILL FAIL. Volume of elephant exceeds that of a fridge, even after giraffe is removed.

3, The lion king holds a meeting of all the animals, who is missing? The elephant - remember you left him in the fridge, memory is useful for managers.

ABSOLUTELY FAIL. He wandered off, onto the Serenghetti plain, and was subsequently eaten by lions because he didn't fit into the fridge, with or without the giraffe.

The ability to grasp reality is more useful to managers than memory. Pencil and paper supplant the latter. Nothing can supplant the former.

4, You have to cross a river, how do you avoid being eaten by crocodiles? Easy, the crocodiles are all at the meeting - if you hold too many meetings nothing gets done.

Shoot them. Dead crocodiles are not a problems, and once dead, they don't hamper boardroom meetings.

In tests, 90% of management trainees got no questions right.

In tests, 90% of those who created these sorts of tests were discovered to have lost touch with reality long ago. Of the remaining 10%, 9 out of 10 folks who adhere to these sorts of tests lost touch with reality a short while ago.

However many kindergarten pupils got some of them right.

Kindergarteners have yet to loose touch with reality.

Anderson consulting publicized this result as scientific proof that managers are NOT like 4 year olds!

Other consultants have hired kindergarteners to replace their management consultants.

Lesson learned: Pat/smug answers may sound good in the boardroom, but they FAIL in reality.

[jobyts]

Texas grocery retailer HEB (H.E Butt) wants to acquire Whole Foods. The name after the merger would be H.E. Butt Whole Foods.

Someone in the office was telling he had a high school teacher with a last name Butts. His wife's first name was Afilia.

[Dr Lots-o'watts]

A skeleton walks into a bar, he asks for a beer and a mop.

[Lacy33]

*bump*
This thread is keeping us alive here. :shy:

[Lancelot59]

The recipie for chick-chick-chicken:

Stuff chicken nuggets into chicken strips, and then stuff those into a whole chicken.

[Lacy33]

Moshe was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig and menacingly says, “Thanks Jew Boy, whatcha going to do about it?"

Moshe burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Moshe says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the postman and then my dog bit me.

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!

"But enough about me, how's your day going?"

[Borg]

:rofl:

[Lacy33]

During a recent password audit at a company, it was found that a receptionist was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramen to" When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital. :uhh:

[HeLiXe]

Moshe was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig and menacingly says, “Thanks Jew Boy, whatcha going to do about it?"

Moshe burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Moshe says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the postman and then my dog bit me.

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!

"But enough about me, how's your day going?"

*snickers*

[Evo]

:rofl: Lacy, both of those were great!!

[cobalt124]

Why did the chicken cross the ocean? - To get to the other tide.

What have a pigs tail and a 5 a.m. start for work in common? - Both are twirly.

[cobalt124]

Why did the chicken cross the football pitch? - Because the referee blew for a foul

What did Skippy say when Scotty fell down a mineshaft? - Tut tut tut

"It was so slippy the other day, every step I took forwards I slipped two back. If I hadn't have turned round to go home, I'd never have got to work"

From a famous 70's song:

"Yes, I'm being followed by CIA informers, Goon Shadow, Goon Shadow

[Jimmy Snyder]

Q: Why didn't the turkey cross the road?
A: It was chicken.

[Ivan Seeking]

EMAIL WARNING!

If you receive an email titled "Nude photos of Nancy Pelosi", DO NOT open it. It contains nude photos of Nancy Pelosi.

[Upisoft]

Q: Why didn't the turkey cross the road?
A: It was chicken.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: GPS malfunction.

[Acuben]

these jokes are great. I would quote some and tell which ones I like even more :P but no time... meh

I hope you don't mind jokes in a big chunk


Little Johnny is always kind and polite and is the best, with straight A's and also a proud student of Mr.K's physics 101 class.
Mr. K thought that little Johnny would be perfect if he wasn't so quiet and more outgoing.
One day, as Mr. K was giving lectures about vectors, he saw little Johnny flipping his finger and rotating, and waving it towards the class.
"Don't flip people off Johnny" Mr.K warned him.
"oh Sorry" replied little Johnny.
Mr.K was irritated by the actions of his favorite student Johnny, but when he saw Johnny's behavor good as usual, he was relieved.

As always Johnny got A on the next test. In fact, he did so well that he got 100% on the vector test.

On the day of the finals, Mr.K noticed that Johnny injured his pinky and it was wrapped in gauze along with a finger next to it,
but what bothered Mr.K even more was that little Johnny looked nervous.
"You look nervous" said Mr.K.
"Because I injured my pinky" said little Johnny.
'He's not just shy, but sensitive as well...' thought Mr.K "That's nothing to be nervous about Johnny. Just relax"
"o..ok" replied little Johnny.
"teacher's pet!" a student on the right cried out. Johnny didn't say anything.
Mr. K heard it, but pretended like he didn't hear it because he had to pass out the tests.

During the test, Mr.K was displeased to see that little Johnny was flipping toward the student who made fun of him.
"Johnny, I warned you not to flip people off. If you do that again, I'll give you an 'F' in the class."
"sorry" Johnny squeaked. Other students laughed.
Later on Mr.K saw Johnny flipping people towards him
In anger Mr.K said, "Alright Johnny you got yourself an 'F', don't bother to stay in the class."
Johnny left the class.
During the nest day, Mr.K was distressed over little Johnny and called him to ask him what the problem was.
"Nothing Mr.K, but it seems you don't like the right hand rule." Johnny replied.
"What do you mean? I was the one teaching the right hand rule." Mr.K replied.
"but everytime I use the right hand rule, you seemed to get anger." Johnny continued.
Mr.K finally understood what was happening and gave Johnny an "A"






-Why can't a person with good eyes see himself?
Because he doesn't have a mirror
-Why can't a person with bad eyes see himself?
his are that bad

-Why do we give vaccines to babies?
we give vaccines to babies?... uh oh...


-If a donkey have race with a horse, the horse usually win.
One day a mean, crazy, and violent donkey won the race. Why?
Because he is a badass

-If a donkey have race with a horse, the horse usually win.
One day a donkey won the race. Why?
It was a race between donkeys

-What did scissors say to a paper?
nothing
-No really, what did scissors say to a paper?
scissors. I win

The rabbit had race again turtle. On the first year, rabbit won all 100 races.
On the next year, the turtle challenged rabbit for race again.
"haha. If you think you'll even have a chance!" said the rabbit.
and the turtle actually won all 100 races.
on the 3rd year, the turtle won majority of the races, which was 60 out of 100 races.
On the 4th year, turtle won all 100 race
On the 5th year, turtle won 99 race out of 100. How did this happen?
2nd year: they had a swimming race
3rd year: it was very rainy, swampy and wet year
4th year: The rabbit was traumatized by his defeat. Or who knows? maybe the water neary killed him and he needed to recover.
5th year: The rabbit simply didn't care anymore. So turtle won. As for the last race, no body body know That won.
Turns out that "That" was the name of the rabbit.
The next generation of turtle and rabbit had a race on a grassy plain and on a dry day. The turtle won. How?
He was just that good.

-A nerd and an asian had a fight. Who won?
The nerd. Not all asians are Jackie Chan.
-A nerd and a ninja had a fight. Who won?
The nerd. It turns out that he was a ninja as well. In fact, a better ninja.
-the same ninja nerd and an attractive, skinny teenager girl had a fight. Who won?
The girl. Why not? it happens in anime all the time...


Who's scarier than a smart person?
A smarter person.
Who's scarier than that?
even smarter person.
Who's scarier than that?
Extremely smart person like Einstein
Who's scarier than that?
Dumb person (you can't reason with him)
Who's scarier than that?
Thoughtless person who doesn't have a plan (how are you supposed to read his mind when there's nothing in his mind?
Who's scarier than that?
Smart person who pretends to be dumb (you let your guard down and he gets what he wants, but you don't know this because you think he's dumb
Anything that's even more scarier?
A mob of dumb people. (you can't reason with them, you have no idea what their plan is, you can't predict them
yet they have so much power, including political powers- worst case scenario


In a mental hospital a patient grabbed fish pole and threw in the lines in a toilet and sat there.
Another patient saw this patient fishing and said to someone next to him. "he's insane" and went to the
patient who was holding the fish pole. "So how's fishing?" and the patient who was holding the fish pole
replied in an angry voice "Does it look like I am fishing?!"
The patient who asked the question returned to the person he was speaking to earlier and whispered to him
in an embarrasing voice "Nevermind, he's sane."



During a math test...
"Mr. Silva, what's answer for number one?"
"I'm not telling you."
"Mr. Silva, what's answer for number one?"
"Figure it out"
"Mr. Silva, what's answer for number one?"
"that's what the test is for."
"Mr. Silva, what's answer for number one?"
finally he gave in.
"17!"
I heard all the students making exciting 'scribble scribble' sound on their tests. Following with a grown. Following with a laugh. Following with a massive scrubble(rubber) sound. It was a true or false question.
Hey I was one of them...




What is the formula for E=MC^2 ?




Both my real and imaginary friend together are complex.




You may not know my imaginary friend, but when he has the power of multiple pies. You'll know him...( e^(0,m*pi)=Integir where m=number of pies...mmm pies )



When a normal person sees his friend, he generally talks about fun conversation.
When a smart person sees his friend, he generally talks about plans for his future.
What does a dumb person talk about when he sees his friend? Nothing. He use sign language.

[The legend]

LOL!!^
:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[Acuben]

This thread has been getting absolutely hammered for days now. Does anyone know why?

edit: It comes up third in a google search for "lame jokes". Maybe that explains it?

2nd now!

[Dr Lots-o'watts]

"You raise me up", the song Darth Vader wrote for his wife Ella.

[The legend]

2nd now!

down to 3rd again....

[Borek]

down to 3rd again....

It may depend on your localization and Google datacenter that you are redirected to.

[The legend]

It may depend on your localization and Google datacenter that you are redirected to.

i see....you must have it 2nd then.

[Acuben]

actually i do see it at 3rd now, but I'll stop talking about it

[Pattonias]

EMAIL WARNING!

If you receive an email titled "Nude photos of Nancy Pelosi", DO NOT open it. It contains nude photos of Nancy Pelosi.

nice

[Gad]

It may depend on your localization and Google datacenter that you are redirected to.

Well, for me it comes up first in a google search! What would that mean? :biggrin:

[Lancelot59]

Well, for me it comes up first in a google search! What would that mean? :biggrin:

Someone at google must like us.

[turbo]

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice?

Polaroids.

[Lancelot59]

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice?

Polaroids.

Nice one.

[p1ayaone1]

My racing snail was not winning races
any more, so I decided to remove his shell
to make him more aerodynamic.

It didn't work. If anything
it made him more sluggish.

[Lancelot59]

My racing snail was not winning races
any more, so I decided to remove his shell
to make him more aerodynamic.

It didn't work. If anything
it made him more sluggish.

Nice one.

[The legend]

Nice one.

Many are......they dont really sound lame......fully funny, actually.

[Grep]

Hopefully nobody's posted this one yet:

Newton and Einstein are on a train. Newton remarks "These trains run like clockwork!" to which Einstein asks "When does the station arrive?"

Saw that one recently, but can't remember where I got it. Hopefully not this thread. :biggrin:

[Ivan Seeking]

Police Spokesperson: The computer scientist was found dead at his computer.
Journalist: Do we know the cause of death?
Police Spokesperson: No
Journalist: Did anyone in the area hear or see anything?
Police Spokesperson: No. But we do know the victim had been screaming for help.
Journalist: How do we know that?
Police spokesman: The victim was found with a broken index finger and a damaged F1 key.

[Borek]

Inuit interrogated about alibi:

- Where have you been on the night of Dec 12th-Jan 7th?

[Ivan Seeking]

Inuit interrogated about alibi:

- Where have you been on the night of Dec 12th-Jan 7th?

Inuit interrogated about global warming.

"I like it"

"Why?"

"It's warmer!"

True story

[BobG]

Me: You're even more attractive than usual today.

Her: It must be my new haircut. You like it, huh?

Me: Actually, I think it's the extra weight you've put on. Your gravitational pull has become quite severe.

And then the fight started.

[Pattonias]

Me: You're even more attractive than usual today.

Her: It must be my new haircut. You like it, huh?

Me: Actually, I think it's the extra weight you've put on. Your gravitational pull has become quite severe.

And then the fight started.

classic... Was it worth it?

[WhoWee]

A situational variation could be:

(To your girrlfriend or wife who appears to have added a few pounds)

Run to her and say "WOW! Your gravitational pull is fascinating!"

[Gad]

:rofl:

[jobyts]

Me: You're even more attractive than usual today.

Her: It must be my new haircut. You like it, huh?

Me: Actually, I think it's the extra weight you've put on. Your gravitational pull has become quite severe.

And then the fight started.

Too late, bob; I already vote for Danger.

[Gad]

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

OMG, that's a nice one too :rofl:

I haven't voted yet, I know those with humer are pretty active this period of time! :biggrin:

[HeLiXe]

Me: You're even more attractive than usual today.

Her: It must be my new haircut. You like it, huh?

Me: Actually, I think it's the extra weight you've put on. Your gravitational pull has become quite severe.

And then the fight started.

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[cobalt124]

From work colleague sat opposite:

She was only the telegraphers daughter but she didit didit didit didit.........

She was only the colonels daughter but she knew what regi-ment

[OmCheeto]

...

And then the fight started.

Reminds me of:

Yo mama's so fat, she's got smaller fat mama's orbiting around her.

ps. Do not try the attractive joke on your bartender. No amount of "but I just saw it on the science forum..." will keep them from cutting you off. Especially if another barback has just been trapped in orbit... :(

[Lancelot59]

Reminds me of:

Yo mama's so fat, she's got smaller fat mama's orbiting around her.

ps. Do not try the attractive joke on your bartender. No amount of "but I just saw it on the science forum..." will keep them from cutting you off. Especially if another barback has just been trapped in orbit... :(

Yo mama's so fat that when she fell in love she broke it. :bugeye:

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? Elifino. ('El if I no)

[Ivan Seeking]

Hey Venezuela, is that your army or did Menudo get back together?

[Lancelot59]

What do periods and loan payments have in common?

It'll cost you a lot if either are late.

[The legend]

HAHA^
:rofl:

[HeLiXe]

Reminds me of:

Yo mama's so fat, she's got smaller fat mama's orbiting around her.

:rofl::rofl::rofl:
Yo mama's so fat that when she fell in love she broke it. :bugeye:


:rofl::rofl::rofl:

I've never heard those before...just the usual yo mama's so fat she's on both sides of the family and yo mama's so fat she falls off both sides of the bed etc. and i think some other elaborate one...yo mama's so fat she wore a yankee's jacket and helicopters were trying to land on her.

[Lancelot59]

:rofl::rofl::rofl:


:rofl::rofl::rofl:

I've never heard those before...just the usual yo mama's so fat she's on both sides of the family and yo mama's so fat she falls off both sides of the bed etc. and i think some other elaborate one...yo mama's so fat she wore a yankee's jacket and helicopters were trying to land on her.
What time are you gonna pick your mom up from the airport? Her plane lands at 2, which would be 3 in her other time zone.

[i_wish_i_was_smart]

Whats the difference between a woman and a terrorist?


You can negotiate with the terrorist!

[i_wish_i_was_smart]

Did you hear the rumor that Chuck Norris had a heart attack???

Turns out its only a rumor, Chuck Norris' heart is not foolish enough to attack him!

[i_wish_i_was_smart]

What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.

What do you call a chinese woman with one leg?
Irene

[Lancelot59]

Whats the difference between a woman and a terrorist?


You can negotiate with the terrorist!
Isn't there a policy that says you're not supposed to though?
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.

What do you call a chinese woman with one leg?
Irene
Nice one.:rofl:

[CyMark]

Horse walks into a bar. Barkeep: So why the long face?

[Markface]

When ABS first came out it was braking news.

[ThisGuy]

Havent read all jokes (yet) so I dont know if these have been posted. Anyway, here goes:

Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One of them was a salted.

A neutron walks into a bar, and orders a beer. "How much?" He asks the barkeep.
The barkeep replies, "For you sir, no charge."

[HeLiXe]

What time are you gonna pick your mom up from the airport? Her plane lands at 2, which would be 3 in her other time zone.

:rofl:

[jtbell]

Who invented the algorithm? Punchline here (http://www.physicsforums.com/showpost.php?p=2935257&postcount=11). :smile:

[Borek]

This one wasn't lame.

[Lancelot59]

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

I like to shove paint up my *** and fart random patterns onto canvas.

[Ivan Seeking]

When your wife asks which of her friends you would like to have in a threesome, don't name two of them.
- Ray Romano

[Borek]

I like to shove paint up my *** and fart random patterns onto canvas.

You can google these pictures. Together with pictures showing how they were painted.

That's the lame joke.

[dkotschessaa]

Hey, did you guys here about the guy that had his whole left side cut off?

Anyway, he's all right now.

[HeLiXe]

I'm writing an essay on atheism and agnosticism and I came across this lol
http://thesignalinthenoise.files.wordpress.com/2010/06/bizarro_atheists.jpg

[Tom Mattson]

Where's the "Like" button?? Oh yeah, this isn't facebook. :-\

[dkotschessaa]

http://www.dula.tv/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/What-Atheists-Cry-Out-During-Sex.jpg

[sas3]

http://img41.imageshack.us/img41/6341/resistanceh.th.jpg (http://img41.imageshack.us/i/resistanceh.jpg/)

[Lisa!]

http://www.yekpanjare.com/ws.jpg

[The legend]

LOL!! ^
:rofl::rofl:

[OmCheeto]

As expected, New York City got 2 feet of snow.


http://home.europa.com/~garry/pf2feetofsnow.jpg

[The legend]

This thread isnt living up to it's name.

I dont find these lame at all...

LOL!! :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

[HeLiXe]

http://www.yekpanjare.com/ws.jpg
:rofl:

[dkotschessaa]

This thread isnt living up to it's name.

I dont find these lame at all...


Yeah, I better fix this.

Did you hear about the two silk worms that had a race?

They both ended up in a tie.

Better?

No?

Did you hear the invisible man and the invisible woman got married? Their kids are nothing to look at either.

-DaveKA (to the rescue)

[Jimmy Snyder]

Did you hear the invisible man and the invisible woman got married?
I don't know what she sees in him.

[Lancelot59]

Yeah, I better fix this.

Did you hear about the two silk worms that had a race?

They both ended up in a tie.

Better?

No?

Did you hear the invisible man and the invisible woman got married? Their kids are nothing to look at either.

-DaveKA (to the rescue)

I don't know what she sees in him.

That was so lame that it wasn't lame. It's like you hit the maximum amount of lame and rolled over to funny.:rofl:

[dkotschessaa]

I guess we have to set a minimum and maximum lameness threshold in order to keep the thread at it's proper degree of lamicity (a unit of lameness, measured in Gallaghers).

-M

[Jimmy Snyder]

I guess we have to set a minimum and maximum lameness threshold in order to keep the thread at it's proper degree of lamicity (a unit of lameness, measured in Gallaghers).

-M
I believe a quantum of lameness is a lemon.

[OmCheeto]

I don't know what she sees in him.

I hear they got married after just bumping into each other one day.

[Kurdt]

I hear they got married after just bumping into each other one day.

I didn't see that one coming.

[Lancelot59]

http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/demotivational-posters-smartphones.jpghttp://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/129165080668513127.jpg

[Ivan Seeking]

The first micro-cell-phone was surgically implanted into the skull of a volunteer patient. Unfortunately, even though the phone worked, the surgery was not considered a success - the patient was plagued with a chronic case of tinnitus.

[jtbell]

Did you hear about the guy who taught his pet bird to swear? He was arrested and charged with contributing to the delinquency of a myna.

[Gokul43201]

Did you hear about the guy who taught his pet bird to swear? He was arrested and charged with contributing to the delinquency of a myna.Mega groan.

[The legend]

Teacher: What is 2k + k?
Student: 3000!

[Ivan Seeking]

It was so cold in Washington that Obama got in bed with the Republicans just for the warmth.
- Jay Leno

[HeLiXe]

freaky but funny :tongue2:

[Ivan Seeking]

Matt Smith, the current Doctor Who, was on Graham Norton and talking about fan mail. His grandfather, who helps with the fan mail, had opened a letter from a woman in Sussex who, in addition to providing her address, explained in explicit detail all of the sexual things she wants to do to/for Matt Smith.

The grandfather wrote back that Matt can't make it, but he can.

[Borg]

The Washington Post runs a feature called the Style Invitational. Each week is a different contest to come up with humorous gags to fit the contest. This week's contest (http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/12/23/AR2010122304403.html) was What would happen if one institution on a list we supplied were run by another one on the list, or by an organization of your choice:. Some of my favorites:

If "Dancing With the Stars" ran a preschool, even the most awkward student could survive Musical Chairs, if enough people liked her mom.

If a police department ran a preschool, toddlers would be cuffed at naptime if they resisted a rest.

If a police department were run by Amazon.com, when someone was arrested for breaking and entering, he'd be asked if he'd also like to be arrested for trespassing, robbery and possession of stolen goods.

[Jimmy Snyder]

SAT question:

Fill in the blank to complete the following phrase:
Fill in the _______.

[cragar]

A guy was asked what do you think is the best invention and he said the computer .
A redneck from Texas was asked and he said i think its the thermos , It keeps hot stuff hot and cold stuff cold, how do it know ?

[Gad]

SAT question:

Fill in the blank to complete the following phrase:
Fill in the _______.

:rofl:

[DaveC426913]

SAT question:

Fill in the blank to complete the following phrase:
Fill in the _______.

NormancoordinateNormancoordinate

[DevilsAvocado]

Who invented the algorithm?

George Bush?

[DevilsAvocado]

Wait, I have more catastrophically lame homemade BS...


George Bush walks into a bar and starts thinking.


George Bush and his buddy walks into a bar, and GWB says to the bartender:
– Look MISTER, either you’re with us or against us, if you don’t give me and my little friend here two beers right now, I’LL START SCREAMING TOO!!

http://i52.tinypic.com/2r5ztz6.jpg


An extremely drunk George Bush walks out of a bar and sees a nun standing at a bus stop. He walks up to her and punches her in the face. When she falls to the ground, he starts screaming:
– You're not so tough now, are you, BIN LADEN!?

http://i51.tinypic.com/20job5y.jpg


Lame...? :smile:

[AlephZero]

George Bush walked into a bar. What didn't he see?

The bar.

[DevilsAvocado]

:biggrin:

[Ivan Seeking]

SAT question:

Fill in the blank to complete the following phrase:
Fill in the _______.

I give up.

[DaveC426913]

Too wordy. Top this joke:



George Bush.

[Ivan Seeking]

too wordy. Top this joke:



George bush.

gwb...

[DaveC426913]

W(10chars)

[Ivan Seeking]

W(10chars)

Darn! I didn't think of that. :tongue:

[HeLiXe]

W(10chars)
This does not accurately convey "dubya"

[jobyts]

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

[DevilsAvocado]

TEACHER: Glenn, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
GLENN: You told me to do it without using tables!

[DevilsAvocado]

too wordy. Top this joke:

George bush.

gwb...

w(10chars)

0 . .

[DaveC426913]

This does not accurately convey "dubya"

No? I'll bet 99% of the North American population know precisely who I'm talking about even without the added context.

[Ivan Seeking]

No? I'll bet 99% of the North American population know precisely who I'm talking about even without the added context.

I'd bet you are correct, but here's the really scary part: Who else can be referenced with only one letter?

S

[HeLiXe]

No? I'll bet 99% of the North American population know precisely who I'm talking about even without the added context.

Yes I have to agree that you are correct there. I meant the phrase "dubya" as it correlates to the letter. When I look at "W," I think "double U"... perhaps "dubya" should have it's own character :tongue2: (written character that is)

[Lancelot59]

http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Rob/wolves.png
http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/123010/why-you-got-pockets.gifhttp://www.toothpastefordinner.com/101810/dont-wash-your-hands.gif

[HeLiXe]

http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Rob/wolves.png


:rofl:

[DevilsAvocado]

I'd bet you are correct, but here's the really scary part: Who else can be referenced with only one letter?

S

Well maybe, the next recovered alcoholic hillbilly that have never read a book and manages to get elected president for the last nuclear superpower and starts a war against the wrong country and reauthorizes torture and increases the national debt by 27% and manages to get reelected and almost destroys the world economy and writes one book about it and builds a library, will also be known by only one letter...

S = Sarah Palin :smile:

[DevilsAvocado]

No? I'll bet 99% of the North American population know precisely who I'm talking about even without the added context.

Also true for Europe, we all know that W means War.

[DaveC426913]

Well maybe, the next recovered alcoholic hillbilly that have never read a book and manages to get elected president for the last nuclear superpower and starts a war against the wrong country and reauthorizes torture and increases the national debt by 27% and manages to get reelected and almost destroys the world economy and writes one book about it and builds a library, will also be known by only one letter...

S = Sarah Palin :smile:

I would never have guessed S was for Sarah Palin. Is it?

[DevilsAvocado]

I would never have guessed S was for Sarah Palin. Is it?

Ivan Seeking is running for president!? :surprised


:smile: Seriously, over here the similarities between W & S are scary... and "worse"... i.e. Dumb & Dumber.

[DaveC426913]

:smile: Seriously, over here the similarities between W & S are scary... and "worse"... i.e. Dumb & Dumber.

What's truly scary is, not that they aspire and run, but that Americans willingly vote for them.

[Ivan Seeking]

What's even scarier is that you two don't know the difference between Sarah Palin, and Superman. :biggrin:

http://www.deadline.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/superman-emblem.jpg

Also, for what it's worth, Palin only gets about 30% support for a Presidential run - i.e. she's qualified to be President. This is while she's not actually running, which means that her numbers in a race should be lower. I think her goose is cooked. She's just a reality TV celeb now.

[DevilsAvocado]

What's truly scary is, not that they aspire and run, but that Americans willingly vote for them.

Right on spot! ...but I didn’t dare to be that "indiscreet"... :redface:

[DevilsAvocado]

What's even scarier is that you two don't know the difference between Sarah Palin, and Superman. :biggrin:

HAHA LOLOL!! :rofl: :rofl:

[DevilsAvocado]

S = Superwoman = Sarah Palin

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/1/19/DC_Comics_Presents_Annual_2.jpg

:bugeye:

[Ivan Seeking]

Right on spot! ...but I didn’t dare to be that "indiscreet"... :redface:

No need for that. I've had nightmares about such things.

[DevilsAvocado]

Thanks Ivan. I will reload my gun... :wink:

[Lancelot59]

http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/021803/happy-new-year.gif

[DaveC426913]

I would never have guessed that S is for Superman.

[Dr Transport]

One my kids told me

Pie are square, no, pi are round, cornbread are square

[DaveC426913]

My son, when he was young, showed us how proud he was that he could turn a circle into a square. He demonstrated with a paper plate by folding down four flaps.

When asked about something more complex, such as how to turn a square into a circle, my wife blurted out "That's easy! Just unfold the flaps again!"

:rofl:

[DevilsAvocado]

http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/021803/happy-new-year.gif


Happy New Beard!!!

http://propered.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/windmill-beard.jpg

[DevilsAvocado]

Top 10 W Moments

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Unforgettable Decision Points

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[Lancelot59]

Happy New Beard!!!

http://propered.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/windmill-beard.jpg

Nice one!

[DevilsAvocado]

Nice one!

Thanks! I couldn’t decide if I should go for the windmill or Space Shuttle this year...

(:biggrin:)

[Max™]

Reminds me of:

Yo mama's so fat, she's got smaller fat mama's orbiting around her.



Yo mama's so fat, she's got an event horizon.

Yo mama's so fat, tightening her belt causes her to drop below her Schwarzschild Radius.

http://i341.photobucket.com/albums/o396/maxarutaru/yomamaschwarzschild.png

Yo mama's so fat, it took a team of Astrophysicists years of carefully measuring the distortion of light arriving from galaxies on the far side of her gravity well in order to calculate her mass.

[Lancelot59]

Yo mama's so fat, she's got an event horizon.

Yo mama's so fat, tightening her belt causes her to drop below her Schwarzschild Radius.

http://i341.photobucket.com/albums/o396/maxarutaru/yomamaschwarzschild.png

Yo mama's so fat, it took a team of Astrophysicists years of carefully measuring the distortion of light arriving from galaxies on the far side of her gravity well in order to calculate her mass.

Your mama's so fat that all the fat collapsed into a singularity and she wound up looking good?

[Max™]

Perhaps, but who could tell she looked good if light can't cross her event horizon?

[Ivan Seeking]

You guys have an entire thread for Yo Mama jokes
http://www.physicsforums.com/showthread.php?t=427390

[Max™]

Sorry, thought it was a pretty lame joke related to the one I read, so I put it here, didn't see the other. :P

Here's one from my 3 year old niece.

Her: Knock Knock
My mom: Who's there?
Her: Orng. (Orange)
My Mom: Orng who?
*niece puts the phone down and walks away*

[dkotschessaa]

A cute one for kids, sort of, that for whatever reason I find hilarious:

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood.

The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My what big ears you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. Some distance further down the track Little Red Riding Hood again encounters the Big Bad Wolf, this time crouched behind a road sign.

"My what big teeth you have, Mr Wolf", taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams... "Will you leave me alone! I'm trying to poo!"

[BobG]

A lame video joke.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8jRmo7iM5vk
8jRmo7iM5vk

[jobyts]

"What car do you drive?"

"Hmmm, I forgot the exact name... it starts with T..."

"That's impressive, Mine needs gasoline. Never heard of a car that starts with T(ea)"

[Kurdt]

Just came across this one. I thought it was rather good.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

[Evo]

just came across this one. I thought it was rather good.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "but why?" they asked, as they moved off. "because," he said "i can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."buwahahahaha!

[Kurdt]

I walked into a zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it. It was a shih tzu.

[lisab]

I walked into a zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it. It was a shih tzu.

:rofl:

[Jasongreat]

I walked into a zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it. It was a shih tzu.

Thats funny, I was just at the zoo the other day as well, what I learned was that they cant do any testing in zoos. Do you know why they cant test in the zoo? There are too many cheetahs.

[Ivan Seeking]

That funny, I was just at the zoo the other day as well, what I learned was that they cant do any testing in zoos. Do you know why the cant test in the zoo? There are too many cheetahs.

Yeah, and the ones who say they aren't cheetahs, are lion.

[Evo]

That funny, I was just at the zoo the other day as well, what I learned was that they cant do any testing in zoos. Do you know why the cant test in the zoo? There are too many cheetahs.

Yeah, and the ones who say they aren't cheetahs, are lion.
ahahahaha, oh booo, to both of you!! :biggrin:

[Ivan Seeking]

Now we've done it, Jason, Evo is crying fowl.

[Ivan Seeking]

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference

[DaveC426913]

And to go along with that:

The 3 rules of aging:

Never pass up a bathroom
Never waste a boner
Never trust a fart

[Ivan Seeking]

And to go along with that:

The 3 rules of aging:

Never pass up a bathroom
Never waste a boner
Never trust a fart

- The Bucket List

[DevilsAvocado]

Never trust a fart

True, in Sweden and Denmark the police regularly control there’s no untrustworthy farts "on the road"...

http://i52.tinypic.com/x2p3wy.jpg

[Jimmy Snyder]

According to news reports, the latest cyber attack involves sending cups of coffee to computer users around the world. So far thousands of computers have become infected.

[DevilsAvocado]

Yup, and according to latest virus radar, it has already mutated into the extremely lethal Coffee & Cookie virus!!

[Mépris]

I see that your radar has more to offer than just virus-detection.

/lame

Edit:

Man, talk about a first post. That's my chance of making a good first impression effectively blown off. : D

[DevilsAvocado]

I see that your radar has more to offer than just virus-detection.

/lame

Yeah man, any old fart that comes near my radar is dead meat!! :devil:


Edit:

Man, talk about a first post. That's my chance of making a good first impression effectively blown off. : D

Yup, but don’t blow to hard buddy, THE RADAR IS ON!!! :biggrin:

Welcome to PF (and reality) Thy Apathy!! :wink:

/superlame

[DevilsAvocado]

Oh! I forgot the version from yesterday:

http://i54.tinypic.com/33p4xf4.png

(lame...? :smile:)

[HeLiXe]

(lame...? :smile:)
I think not....:biggrin:

[DevilsAvocado]

:rofl:

[HarryA]

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To watch a man lay bricks.

Q:What did the little bird say on finding an orange in its
nest?
A: See the orange mama laid.

[DaveC426913]

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To watch a man lay bricks.


I don't get it.

[Ivan Seeking]

I don't get it.

Chickens lay eggs.

Men lay bricks.

[DaveC426913]

Chickens lay eggs.

Men lay bricks.

Ah.[10 char]

[Ivan Seeking]

Ah.[10 char]

However, comedians can lay eggs.

Teenage boys will lay anything.

[Lancelot59]

Ah.[10 char]

Have you ever seen that silly internet phrase, "When you see it you'll **** bricks."? It's usually used as a caption for pictures with something really strange in the background.

[DaveC426913]

Have you ever seen that silly internet phrase, "When you see it you'll **** bricks."? It's usually used as a caption for pictures with something really strange in the background.

I know the phrase, and it was around decades before the internet, sonny.

I just didn't get the tie-in to a chicken crossing the road. Some jokes are lame enough that they risk being overthunk.

[nismaratwork]

What'd you eat for breakfast?
Pea soup.
What'd you eat for lunch?
Pea soup.
What'd you eat for dinner?
Pea soup.
What will you do now?
Pee soup.

[Lancelot59]

What'd you eat for breakfast?
Pea soup.
What'd you eat for lunch?
Pea soup.
What'd you eat for dinner?
Pea soup.
What will you do now?
Pee soup.

Sounds like something out of Monty Python, or some other similar comedy group.

[nismaratwork]

Sounds like something out of Monty Python, or some other similar comedy group.

It does, doesn't it? I'm unsure of the origin, but I read it in a book by humorist Dave Barry, who was relating a favorite joke he and friends would tell when he was a child. There's history in that Pea Soup... and a little something extra. :wink:

[mugaliens]

Two men walked into a bar. One turned to the other and said, "Ow!"

[Ivan Seeking]

Two men walked into a bar. One turned to the other and said, "Ow!"

Two iron workers walked into a bar.

[ThomasT]

A blind guy comes into a bar and swings his, small, seeing eye dog in a circle around his head. The bartender says. "What the hell are you doing?" The blind guy says, "Just lookin' around."

Lame?

[nismaratwork]

"A priest, a rabbi, and a girdle salesman walk into a bar..."
This isn't a real joke, but an intro told by a character from the comic, Bloom County. It is never revealed what the joke is, but it's implied that it's hilarious. I use that intro all the time now, and just wait while I ruin someone's day, the rest of which they'll spend trying to figure the rest out.

[nismaratwork]

A blind guy comes into a bar and swings his, small, seeing eye dog in a circle around his head. The bartender says. "What the hell are you doing?" The blind guy says, "Just lookin' around."

Lame?

Maybe I'm lame, because I think that's actually pretty funny.

[mugaliens]

A blind guy comes into a bar and swings his, small, seeing eye dog in a circle around his head. The bartender says. "What the hell are you doing?" The blind guy says, "Just lookin' around."

Lame?

No. Funny! Sick humor, to be sure, but FUNNY, yes.

[DaveC426913]

It is never revealed what the joke is, but it's implied that it's hilarious.

The BANANA SKETCH!?? AWESOME! Do you use a yellow one? Or a green one???

:biggrin:

[HarryA]

When Noah's ark settled on the mountain Noah open the doors
and told the animals to go forth an multiply.

A little snake spoke up and said "we can't multiply we are adders!"
So Noah thought for a while then he got an idea. Noah built a table
from logs and place the pair of snakes on the table
and then Noah told them "now you can multiply".

[WhoWee]

Maybe I'm lame, because I think that's actually pretty funny.

I do too.:blushing:

[AlephZero]

No. Funny! Sick humor, to be sure, but FUNNY, yes.

Did you hear about the quadriplegic guy who tried to swim the English Channel*?

He had to give up half way. His ears fell off.

* For the geographically challenged, a "classic" long distance sea swim, 22 miles if you manage to steer straight, between England and France.

[DaveC426913]

Guy walks into the doctor's office. He has a banana up his nose, pasta sauce in his pants and cauliflowers sticking out of his ears.

Doctor says "You're not eating right."

[nismaratwork]

The BANANA SKETCH!?? AWESOME! Do you use a yellow one? Or a green one???

:biggrin:

You're pure funny evil!


You also keep posting funny jokes as lame! I feel lame... :wink:

[dkotschessaa]

Guy walks into the doctor's office. He has a banana up his nose, pasta sauce in his pants and cauliflowers sticking out of his ears.

Doctor says "You're not eating right."

That's one of those ones that's going to make me chuckle quietly to myself all day and make everyone think I'm insane.

-DaveKA

[nismaratwork]

That's one of those ones that's going to make me chuckle quietly to myself all day and make everyone think I'm insane.

-DaveKA

Right?! And, the dog one was 'LOL' funny. I've been sending both around (and giving credit to DaveC) friends and family, and I'm yet to get anything, BUT laughs.

[Evo]

Guy walks into the doctor's office. He has a banana up his nose, pasta sauce in his pants and cauliflowers sticking out of his ears.

Doctor says "You're not eating right.":rofl:

[Evo]

when noah's ark settled on the mountain noah open the doors
and told the animals to go forth an multiply.

A little snake spoke up and said "we can't multiply we are adders!"
so noah thought for a while then he got an idea. Noah built a table
from logs and place the pair of snakes on the table
and then noah told them "now you can multiply".lol.

[FlexGunship]

This is one of my favorite jokes that MIGHT be appropriate for this forum. I think it qualifies as lame. I hope you don't mind that I actually just looked it up and copy and pasted it here (it's a long one). Reformatted for readability.

A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks "What's up?"

The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome.

"ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city full of mafiosos! You'd be crazy to go to Rome!... So how ya getting there?"

"We're taking TWA" the man replies.

"TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late!... So where you staying in Rome?"

The man says "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot."

"That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced!... So whatcha doing when you get there?"

The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope."

"HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You're going to need it!"

A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut.

Joe says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!"

"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendent who waited on me hand and foot!"

"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described."

"No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling. Its the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite for no extra charge!

"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!"

"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?"

"Oh, not much really. Just 'Where'd you get that shitty haircut?'"

Source: http://www.yuksrus.com/barber.html

[Jimmy Snyder]

A: I'm looking for a woman with brains to match her beauty.
B: How about Jane? She's stupid and ugly.

[Gad]

:rofl:

[Lancelot59]

A: I'm looking for a woman with brains to match her beauty.
B: How about Jane? She's stupid and ugly.

Nice one.

[HeLiXe]

A: I'm looking for a woman with brains to match her beauty.
B: How about Jane? She's stupid and ugly.

I like this one:rofl:

[mugaliens]

Funny? Witty, for sure. I hope there's no one here named Jane. If so, I hope she has a wonderful sense of humor!

[Jimmy Snyder]

Funny? Witty, for sure. I hope there's no one here named Jane. If so, I hope she has a wonderful sense of humor!
That would be my Freckle Faced Consumptive Sarah Jane. She's the butt of many a joke and takes it well.

[nismaratwork]

That would be my Freckle Faced Consumptive Sarah Jane. She's the butt of many a joke and takes it well.

Sounds like a tough old broad! :tongue:

[Jimmy Snyder]

Sounds like a tough old broad! :tongue:
She's a female pugalist, gracious Moses what a fist. She'll knock you where you won't come back no more. I wish I could remember all the words, but apparently they are not to be found on the net. I don't know the name of the composer, lyricist, or performer(s). They say that she is crazy but I think she is insane. She's my freckle faced consumptive Sarah Jane. It was adapted from an earlier number called simply Sarah Jane. Some folks say her breath smells sweet, but I would rather smell her feet. There is another variant called My Long Skinny Lanky Sarah Jane but I have no lyrics for it and yet another called My Sarah Jane also with no lyrics that I can find. She is mentioned in the song I'm the Man that Rode the Mule 'Round the World. Here's another version but the performance is rather poor.

RDSk9ynGaDU

[Ivan Seeking]

That would be my Freckle Faced Consumptive Sarah Jane. She's the butt of many a joke and takes it well.

Poor Sarah Jane. :cry: One day you're the apple of the Doctor's eye, and the next, you're just a thorn to a Rose and the butt of Jimmy's jokes, but I remember when.

http://www.hecklerspray.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/sarah-jane-smith.jpg

[nismaratwork]

She's a female pugalist, gracious Moses what a fist. She'll knock you where you won't come back no more. I wish I could remember all the words, but apparently they are not to be found on the net. I don't know the name of the composer, lyricist, or performer(s). They say that she is crazy but I think she is insane. She's my freckle faced consumptive Sarah Jane. It was adapted from an earlier number called simply Sarah Jane. Some folks say her breath smells sweet, but I would rather smell her feet. There is another variant called My Long Skinny Lanky Sarah Jane but I have no lyrics for it and yet another called My Sarah Jane also with no lyrics that I can find. She is mentioned in the song I'm the Man that Rode the Mule 'Round the World. Here's another version but the performance is rather poor.

RDSk9ynGaDU

Awesome. :biggrin: Are you familiar with the 'Strip Polka' performed by The Andrews Sisters? Heh... Queenie.

[Jimmy Snyder]

Are you familiar with the 'Strip Polka' performed by The Andrews Sisters? Heh... Queenie.
Yes, but I don't see the connection.

[nismaratwork]

Yes, but I don't see the connection.

None, it's purely tangential and whimsical.

[Lancelot59]

None, it's purely tangential and whimsical.

But not normal or binormal?

[FlexGunship]

When is a car not a car?!

When it turns into a driveway.

[FlexGunship]

Where did Hitler hide his armies?

In his sleevies.

[FlexGunship]

Guy says: "Sir, I realize this is only a formality, but I'd like to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage."

The father replies: "Where did you get the idea that it was only a formality?"

Guy says: "From the Lamaze instructor."

[nismaratwork]

Guy says: "Sir, I realize this is only a formality, but I'd like to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage."

The father replies: "Where did you get the idea that it was only a formality?"

Guy says: "From the Lamaze instructor."

:rofl: :rofl:

[HarryA]

A couple of old Bell Labs jokes.

Engineer's definition of a mad scientist:
"A physicist that has just been referred to
as an engineer"

Physicist rebuke:
"You can make an engineer out of a physicist
but you can not make a physicist out of an engineer;
it's an irreversible process"

{how do you get your profile picture to show up here?}

[M Grandin]

Guy says: "Sir, I realize this is only a formality, but I'd like to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage."

The father replies: "Where did you get the idea that it was only a formality?"

Guy says: "From the Lamaze instructor."

Guy says: "Sir, I realize this is only a formality, but I'd like to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage."

The father replies: "How do you know I am her father?"

[Borek]

{how do you get your profile picture to show up here?}

Avatars are a contributors perk.

http://www.physicsforums.com/payments.php

[Ivan Seeking]

Bob: Now what am I going to do? I'm a dead man!

Joe: And let me be the first to say that you were a great man; and dibs on your wife.

[Lisa!]

http://cdn.imgfave.com/image_cache/129506820864302.png

[FlexGunship]

shintzel walkes into a bar, mounge says Y the long face, get it cause u got a long face

I can't believe this went unnoticed. I laughed really hard at this one and it had NOTHING to do with the incomprehensible pseudo-joke contained somewhere within it's grammatical bowels.

[FlexGunship]

My girlfriend has been talking about losing some weight (something I find unnecessary).

Me: "Well, you might as well start buying your clothes in smaller sizes then."
Her: "Tru dat!"
Me: "Werd! Muh b!tch be droppin' pounds like a clumsy Englishman."

I love her because she got my lame joke and laughed at it.

[nismaratwork]

My girlfriend has been talking about losing some weight (something I find unnecessary).

Me: "Well, you might as well start buying your clothes in smaller sizes then."
Her: "Tru dat!"
Me: "Werd! Muh b!tch be droppin' pounds like a clumsy Englishman."

I love her because she got my lame joke and laughed at it.

:rofl:

There's no element of that I don't enjoy, except that there are CHAVs who would take that at face value.

[FlexGunship]

I hope y'all don't mind if I reinvent the "lame joke" here. Back in college, my friends and I used to tell "defused jokes." They were jokes which had... unexpected outcomes. We would get them from everywhere! Here goes:


How many jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and another to hold the ladder so he doesn't hurt himself.



What's tall, green, and has a 300hp engine?
A tree. I lied about the engine.



Three ducks walk into a bar. Animal control is called promptly, and they are safely released back into a local pond.



Did you hear the one about the priest, the minister, and the rabbi?
They were celebrating religious equality.



How do you confuse a blond?
Wear a gorilla suit, kick soccer balls at her, and yell contradicting statements.



What do a falcon and a gopher have in common?
They both live underground. Except for the falcon.



Why did the blond get fired from the car dealership?
Habitual tardiness and a poor sales record.



Why does Michael J. Fox make the best vodka martinis?
Because he uses the best possible ingredients.



A man walks into a bar.
His alcoholism is ruining his family.


Here are some great knock-knock jokes!


Knock knock.
Come in.



Knock knock.
Who's there?
Dave.
Dave who?
Dave broke down in tears because he's grandmother's Alzheimer's had advanced to the degree that she no longer recognized her eldest grandson.



Knock knock.
Who's there?
UPS. I have a package for I.C. Weiner.
Oh dear. I'm afraid you have the wrong house. They're next door. The numbering on the mailboxes is actually terribly confusing on this street.
Thank you so much! My apologies for the disruption.
Think nothing of it.


My personal favorite defused joke of allllll time!!!! (Can't take credit for this one.)


What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.

[DevilsAvocado]

:smile:

Knock knock.
Why are you firing all the jokes at once?
A flexible gun on a ship is hard to handle.

:P

[DevilsAvocado]

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Dave.
Dave who?
DaveC426913

[dkotschessaa]

How many boring people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One.

[dkotschessaa]

Ok, this falls outside the category of "lame jokes" and into "Stupid video I found on youtube."

Hitler learns topology:

(Embedding disabled for this video. You have to click the link. sorry)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SyD4p8_y8Kw

[FlexGunship]

Guy goes to the bar and has a little too much to drink. In his drunken stupor he inadvertently pukes all over his own shirt.

He walks up to the bartender and slurs: "Ugh, umma ded man! When muh wife seez dis, sheez gunna kill me!"

The bartender says: "No, she won't. Listen, pal, do you have ten dollars?"

Guy says: "Yuh, fur wat?"

Bartender says: "Go home, tell her some guy at the bar got too drunk and puked on your shirt and he gave you ten bucks to get it dry cleaned."

Guy say: "Yura geenyus! Dat'll werk purfektly!"

So the guy goes home, and his wife is instantly livid! She yells: "For the love of-- What happened to your shirt?"

Guy, still a little drunk, says: "Well, some bozo at duh bar got a little too drunk, an' he puked on muh shirt! He gave me ten bucks to get it cleaned."

The wife looks at him and says: "This is a twenty."

Guy says: "Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention... he also crapped in my pants."

[FlexGunship]

Do you think Wikileaks knows Victoria's Secret?

[nismaratwork]

Guy goes to the bar and has a little too much to drink. In his drunken stupor he inadvertently pukes all over his own shirt.

He walks up to the bartender and slurs: "Ugh, umma ded man! When muh wife seez dis, sheez gunna kill me!"

The bartender says: "No, she won't. Listen, pal, do you have ten dollars?"

Guy says: "Yuh, fur wat?"

Bartender says: "Go home, tell her some guy at the bar got too drunk and puked on your shirt and he gave you ten bucks to get it dry cleaned."

Guy say: "Yura geenyus! Dat'll werk purfektly!"

So the guy goes home, and his wife is instantly livid! She yells: "For the love of-- What happened to your shirt?"

Guy, still a little drunk, says: "Well, some bozo at duh bar got a little too drunk, an' he puked on muh shirt! He gave me ten bucks to get it cleaned."

The wife looks at him and says: "This is a twenty."

Guy says: "Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention... he also crapped in my pants."

On a theme...

-"things are quiet until hitler decides he'd like to invade russia
so, he does
the russians are like "OMG WT[Hell] D00DZ, STOP TKING"
and the germans are still like "omg ph34r n00bz"
the russians fall back, all the way to moscow
and then they all begin h4xing, which brings on the russian winter
the germans are like "wt[hell], h4x"
-- WW2 for the l33t "

[FlexGunship]

On a theme...
Nismar... it was drunk-speak, not 1337-speek.

(Not a typo.)

[WhoWee]

Do you think Wikileaks knows Victoria's Secret?

Intimately :blushing:

[nismaratwork]

Nismar... it was drunk-speak, not 1337-speek.

(Not a typo.)

I know, but between that and, "Hitler", I figured that was the best segue I could hope for.

WhoWee: Her secret?... bulemia. *shiver* oooooh sexy... oh yeah... puke for me! I love it when you erode your esophagus and strain your endocrine system like that, of **** yes!
Oh, and 'Spanx'.

:rofl:

[DevilsAvocado]

Do you think Wikileaks knows Victoria's Secret?

You mean like leaking/diapers? :bugeye:

[lisab]

Do you think Wikileaks knows Victoria's Secret?

Yes, but Victoria doesn't realize it - she was sleeping at the time.

[nismaratwork]

@DA & LisaB: :rofl:

[DevilsAvocado]

Yes, but Victoria doesn't realize it - she was sleeping at the time.

With her diapers on..?:uhh:?:bugeye:?

[nismaratwork]

With her diapers on..?:uhh:?:bugeye:?

Well... better in a diaper than a bed I suppose...

Where's that "vomiting" smiley when I need it?! :wink:

[DevilsAvocado]

http://planetsmilies.net/vomit-smiley-31.gif

[nismaratwork]

http://planetsmilies.net/vomit-smiley-31.gif

THAT'S the one; thanks DA. :biggrin:

[DevilsAvocado]

THAT'S the one; thanks DA. :biggrin:

I do anything for you honey! http://planetsmilies.net/vomit-smiley-31.gif


:biggrin:

[Ivan Seeking]

Last night I got a fortune cookie that said "Now is the time to get in touch with your feminine side".

I asked my wife what she thought, but she was against the idea. I whine and complain too much already.

[DevilsAvocado]

:smile:

Last night Sarah Palin got a fortune cookie that said "Now is the time to get in touch with your masculine side".

Sarah asked her husband Todd what he thought, but he was against the idea and said: – Honey, you’ve already got that prefect mix of brutality and violence.

[nismaratwork]

:smile:

Last night Sarah Palin got a fortune cookie that said "Now is the time to get in touch with your masculine side".

Sarah asked her husband Todd what he thought, but he was against the idea and said: – Honey, you’ve already got that prefect mix of brutality and violence.

:rofl:

[DevilsAvocado]

:wink:

[GeorginaS]

Guy goes to the bar and has a little too much to drink. In his drunken stupor he inadvertently pukes all over his own shirt.

He walks up to the bartender and slurs: "Ugh, umma ded man! When muh wife seez dis, sheez gunna kill me!"

The bartender says: "No, she won't. Listen, pal, do you have ten dollars?"

Guy says: "Yuh, fur wat?"

Bartender says: "Go home, tell her some guy at the bar got too drunk and puked on your shirt and he gave you ten bucks to get it dry cleaned."

Guy say: "Yura geenyus! Dat'll werk purfektly!"

So the guy goes home, and his wife is instantly livid! She yells: "For the love of-- What happened to your shirt?"

Guy, still a little drunk, says: "Well, some bozo at duh bar got a little too drunk, an' he puked on muh shirt! He gave me ten bucks to get it cleaned."

The wife looks at him and says: "This is a twenty."

Guy says: "Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention... he also crapped in my pants."

Okay, I laughed out loud.

[mugaliens]

Yes, but Victoria doesn't realize it - she was sleeping at the time.

Ok, you may have issues, although you may not be regretting them. I dunno, you tell us. Or not. (shrugs)

In the meantime...

[mugaliens]

:smile:

Last night Sarah Palin got a fortune cookie that said "Now is the time to get in touch with your masculine side".

Sarah asked her husband Todd what he thought, but he was against the idea and said: – Honey, you’ve already got that prefect mix of brutality and violence.

She might actually agree with you!

I think she'd be gentle, though. :)

[dkotschessaa]

Q. How many people with A.D.D. does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. Hey, wanna go for a bike ride?

[FlexGunship]

A wife walks up to her husband and says: "I want a divorce; I'm going to become a hooker. I just found out I can get paid $400 for what I give to you for free!"

The husband responds: "Well, I'm coming with you, I want to see you live off of $800 a year."

[FlexGunship]

A brunette, a blonde, and a red-head are in 3rd grade. Who has the biggest boobs?

The blond; she's 18.

[FlexGunship]

Taking a big risk on this one! Please don't hate me, girls/women! It's just a joke!

Did you know beer has female hormones in it? Yeah, if you drink enough of it you start spouting emotional gibberish, you complain a lot, you don't understand complex things, and you drive really poorly.


<awaits the flame>

[WhoWee]

taking a big risk on this one! Please don't hate me, girls/women! It's just a joke!

Did you know beer has female hormones in it? Yeah, if you drink enough of it you start spouting emotional gibberish, you complain a lot, you don't understand complex things, and you drive really poorly.


<awaits the flame>

...man overboard...

[FlexGunship]

...man overboard...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v172/aujourdhui/GIFs/cookiemonster.gif

[FlexGunship]

...man overboard...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v172/aujourdhui/GIFs/cookiemonster.gif

[Lancelot59]

Taking a big risk on this one! Please don't hate me, girls/women! It's just a joke!

Did you know beer has female hormones in it? Yeah, if you drink enough of it you start spouting emotional gibberish, you complain a lot, you don't understand complex things, and you drive really poorly.


<awaits the flame>
I laughed. Also, the cookie monster wins!

[FlexGunship]

I laughed. Also, the cookie monster wins!

Good, I was afraid I did something wrong... like this guy...

http://assets.sbnation.com/assets/510511/gatoradehockey_medium.gif

[Lancelot59]

Good, I was afraid I did something wrong... like this guy...

http://assets.sbnation.com/assets/510511/gatoradehockey_medium.gif

Don't start feeling safe yet. None of the women have commented yet.

[FlexGunship]

Don't start feeling safe yet. None of the women have commented yet.

Uh oh...

http://i143.photobucket.com/albums/r143/v_happylurker21/GIF%20and%20Macros/ray.gif

Sorry, that's the last one. I'm getting bandwidth heavy on you 1992-vintage 28k modem users!

[jtbell]

Rudi looks out the window of his Moscow apartment and says to his wife "Honey ! It's going to rain." The wife disagrees, on account of the bright sun and no clouds. Nevertheless, it starts to pour in a few minutes. The baffled wife askes Rudi how he knew.

Comes the reply, "Rudolf, the Red knows rain, dear !"

The version of this joke that I know dates to before the fall of the Berlin Wall and the Iron Curtain. The guy lived in West Berlin but always watched the weather forecast on East German TV, delivered by a reporter named Rudolf.

[nismaratwork]

http://i259.photobucket.com/albums/hh288/krispos42/Animated/Ted_Stryker_drinking_problem.gif

Many people have oral issues, and especially... the dreaded drinking problem.

[FlexGunship]

http://i259.photobucket.com/albums/hh288/krispos42/Animated/Ted_Stryker_drinking_problem.gif

Many people have oral issues, and especially... the dreaded drinking problem.

http://i49.photobucket.com/albums/f255/deaf21/funny/gif-1.gif

[Galaxyman]

reaps the wonders of grain, **** Mountain Dew all hail Dr P

[nismaratwork]

reaps the wonders of grain, **** Mountain Dew all hail Dr P

I have no idea what that's in reference too... but I agree with the statement. :approve:

@Flex: Hey man, you started this thing... it was this or something Mel Brooks. :biggrin:

edit: Cookie Monster... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9C4-TsaNENo&feature=related

[FlexGunship]

I have no idea what that's in reference too... but I agree with the statement. :approve:

@Flex: Hey man, you started this thing... it was this or something Mel Brooks. :biggrin:

edit: Cookie Monster... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9C4-TsaNENo&feature=related

http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTWQVd62i6RID8n-dEuk7xSu_Fs-vlAJNd1c43X9Ja95fOOWTPN (Remember those kids that stole that urn...?)

[HeLiXe]

Good, I was afraid I did something wrong... like this guy...

http://assets.sbnation.com/assets/510511/gatoradehockey_medium.gif
:rofl:

[mugaliens]

Uh oh...

I love that movie. I think it's the hapless aspect.

[nismaratwork]

I love that movie. I think it's the hapless aspect.

You just know he has a nickname now, it's humiliating, and he can never live it down. "Hey there Spills! We put your power drink in this... little sippy-cup!..." and more.

:approve:

edit: AND... I just realized that you meant Ghostbusters a la Slimer-encounter... not the hockey player. *facepalm*.

Yes. I agree with you, but at the risk of place my entire leg in my mouth, I will stop now. :blushing:

P.S. Ghostbusters 2: Evil pink goo? REALLY?
P. P. S. Ghostbusters video game (recent one): Really, shockingly good for fans.

[mugaliens]

You just know he has a nickname now, it's humiliating, and he can never live it down. "Hey there Spills! We put your power drink in this... little sippy-cup!..." and more.

:approve:

edit: AND... I just realized that you meant Ghostbusters a la Slimer-encounter... not the hockey player. *facepalm*.

Yes. I agree with you, but at the risk of place my entire leg in my mouth, I will stop now. :blushing:

P.S. Ghostbusters 2: Evil pink goo? REALLY?
P. P. S. Ghostbusters video game (recent one): Really, shockingly good for fans.

I get you, but you can stop now. The original movie will suffice for mirth.

[nismaratwork]

I get you, but you can stop now. The original movie will suffice for mirth.

Well, now that Dan Akroyd thinks he IS a ghostbuster... yeah, if it's not then that would just be tragic.

[DaveC426913]

The tachyon leaves. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here." A tachyon walks into a bar.

[nismaratwork]

The tachyon leaves. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here." A tachyon walks into a bar.

...at which point the bartender asks, "Is Cherenkov radiation or are you just glad to see me?"

Hey, it's called LAME jokes... you tell GOOD jokes... get to laming them up! :wink:

[dkotschessaa]

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

To get to the same side.

[EnumaElish]

A geneticist to another geneticist: "let me clone you?" "No, thanks." First one: "very well, make yourself at home."

[FlexGunship]

Poland opens it's first airline and hires to Polish pilots to go on the first test flight. They take off from the new airport in a new airplane and start flying around. They practice maneuvers, and following a flight plan, and test the mechanics of the plane.

They make some important notes and the co-pilot says: "It's about time for us to land." The pilot agrees and they radio in for their approach.

The pilot looks down and says: "Uh, are you sure this is our runway?" The co-pilot responds: "Yup, that's it. Sure looks like it's going to be a rough landing, huh?"

The pilot responds: "Yeah, but it's okay, we can do it. We're expert pilots!"

So they carefully bring the plane in low, they throttle back as far as possible and the huge airplane is just gliding in the wind. As soon as rubber hits tarmac the slam the brakes, through the engines in full reverse, open every flap and grind to a screeching halt with the front wheel of the plane just hanging off the edge of the runway.

The pilot says: "Geeze, that was a really really short runway!"

The co-pilot says: "Yeah... but look how f*cking wide it is!"

[BobG]

"A priest, a rabbi, and a girdle salesman walk into a bar..."
This isn't a real joke, but an intro told by a character from the comic, Bloom County. It is never revealed what the joke is, but it's implied that it's hilarious. I use that intro all the time now, and just wait while I ruin someone's day, the rest of which they'll spend trying to figure the rest out.

That joke is hilarious. It's the best Bible joke of all time. I just wish I remembered how it went. I remember it had something to do with making garments in the book of Exodus.

[Borek]

Lame joke: seems to me like someone wants to get banned.

[BobG]

Good, I was afraid I did something wrong... like this guy...

http://assets.sbnation.com/assets/510511/gatoradehockey_medium.gif

This reminds me of when Bernie Kosar and Marty Schottenheimer were with the Browns and Don Strock was the back-up quarterback. Kosar got injured and Strock had to come in and try to rally the Browns past the Dolphins in the last few minutes of game. At the two minute warning, Schottenheimer is explaining the plan for the last few plays and Strock is listening intently as he takes a drink of water from a paper cup...... except he forgot to push his helmut up and his face mask was in the way. Schottenheimer just kind of stops talking as he stares at Strock who tries to nonchalantly ignore that he's just dumped his drink down the front of his jersey.

Needless to say, first play after the two minute warning, Strock is in the shotgun formation and drops the snap. But then he picks it up and tosses a touchdown pass to send the Browns into the lead. I was practically dying from laughing.

(Of course, unfortunately for the Browns, the Dolphins had Dan Marino and almost an entire two minutes left for a winning drive - the result was almost a foregone conclusion.)

[EnumaElish]

Lame joke: seems to me like someone wants to get banned.if you're not referring to the bible, then it must be the Polish pilots :)

[edward]

Lame joke: seems to me like someone wants to get banned.

I agree. We are above that type of garbage here.

[nismaratwork]

That joke is hilarious. It's the best Bible joke of all time. I just wish I remembered how it went. I remember it had something to do with making garments in the book of Exodus.

:rofl:

Oh man, if you even make up a decent joke to go along with that, you'll have fulfilled a dream of mine for nearly 3 decades. In return for the joke, I will give you a butterfly that can grant you any one wish of your heart, but use it wisely...

Or, I'll laugh, but really, that joke NEEDS to be made!

Borek: I can't tell if you're kidding, although I suspect this is dry humor directed at FlexGunship?

[nismaratwork]

I agree. We are above that type of garbage here.

You live on a reclaimed landfill?!

edit: now THAT is a lame joke people.

[DevilsAvocado]

Lame joke: seems to me like someone wants to get banned.

Without safe landing?? :bugeye:

[dkotschessaa]

The tachyon leaves. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here." A tachyon walks into a bar.

Interesting side note. My nephew (13 years old, very bright) was home sick from school today. He actually doesn't like being home from school. I texted him this joke and told him his homework today was to explain it. So I got him googling and such and eventually he figured it out. Made for an interesting exchange of messages and he did learn something. :)

[jtbell]

Boss: How did you happen to lose that guy you were tailing?

Detective: Well, we were in that neighborhood where all the airline offices are, and he just walked around a corner and disappeared into Finnair.

[FlexGunship]

Boss: How did you happen to lose that guy you were tailing?

Detective: Well, we were in that neighborhood where all the airline offices are, and he just walked around a corner and disappeared into Finnair.

http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a159/lordbill/Picture1-3.png

[nismaratwork]

No... more... puns... *death rattle*

[FlexGunship]

No... more... puns... *death rattle*

http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQPKqOUcv9ONC6Ca1qWCzw0I7R1fwkcw x98PhMYEX0hhZcpN66BBg

[nismaratwork]

http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQPKqOUcv9ONC6Ca1qWCzw0I7R1fwkcw x98PhMYEX0hhZcpN66BBg

Hmmmm... I think I might try that sometime. :rofl:

[Jimmy Snyder]

I went to my favorite watering hole and ordered a shot and a beer. The bartender Jake says to me "Jimmy, you've put on a lot of weight, you don't look good at all." "I know" say I, "I would do anything to look better, but I can't diet, in fact, I eat more and more these days. You would too if you had my worries." Jake is a kindly bartender who will pretend to be interested in anyone's problems if it will help to sell alcohol. "What worries you?". I explained that my daughter wants to marry a Catholic boy. "I'm sorry to hear it" says Jake, "It's tough for a Jewish father, but you aren't very religious, do you really care that much?" "No", I reply, "the problem is the constant bickering. My daughter insists on having a Jewish ceremony and the boy wants a Catholic one. Where am I going to find anyone who can do both?". Says Jake "Cheer up, I'm sure there's some solution to your problem." "Don't make me laugh Jake, because that would be the funniest thing in the world." Just then a priest, a rabbi, and a girdle salesman walked into the bar.

[FlexGunship]

I went to my favorite watering hole and ordered a shot and a beer. The bartender Jake says to me "Jimmy, you've put on a lot of weight, you don't look good at all." "I know" say I, "I would do anything to look better, but I can't diet, in fact, I eat more and more these days. You would too if you had my worries." Jake is a kindly bartender who will pretend to be interested in anyone's problems if it will help to sell alcohol. "What worries you?". I explained that my daughter wants to marry a Catholic boy. "I'm sorry to hear it" says Jake, "It's tough for a Jewish father, but you aren't very religious, do you really care that much?" "No", I reply, "the problem is the constant bickering. My daughter insists on having a Jewish ceremony and the boy wants a Catholic one. Where am I going to find anyone who can do both?". Says Jake "Cheer up, I'm sure there's some solution to your problem." "Don't make me laugh Jake, because that would be the funniest thing in the world." Just then a priest, a rabbi, and a girdle salesman walked into the bar.

http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRe8wH0CeXxUAil6sir1t3uLEX6p6Tl_ WG341Fft0ELyWWygfzO

Niiiiice...

Guy walks into the bar, and says: "Bartender, get me 7 shots of Glenlivet." The bartender starts to pour the shots, and the guy starts drinking them almost as fast as he can pour!

The bartender is pouring the fourth shot when he says: "Geeze, buddy, you sure are drinking quickly." And the guy says: "You would too, if you had what I had!!"

The bartender is intrigued, and pours the last shot just as the guy finishes it. Bartender says: "Well, what have you got?"

Guy says: "Uh, like, three bucks."

[BobG]

I went to my favorite watering hole and ordered a shot and a beer. The bartender Jake says to me "Jimmy, you've put on a lot of weight, you don't look good at all." "I know" say I, "I would do anything to look better, but I can't diet, in fact, I eat more and more these days. You would too if you had my worries." Jake is a kindly bartender who will pretend to be interested in anyone's problems if it will help to sell alcohol. "What worries you?". I explained that my daughter wants to marry a Catholic boy. "I'm sorry to hear it" says Jake, "It's tough for a Jewish father, but you aren't very religious, do you really care that much?" "No", I reply, "the problem is the constant bickering. My daughter insists on having a Jewish ceremony and the boy wants a Catholic one. Where am I going to find anyone who can do both?". Says Jake "Cheer up, I'm sure there's some solution to your problem." "Don't make me laugh Jake, because that would be the funniest thing in the world." Just then a priest, a rabbi, and a girdle salesman walked into the bar.

You're a god! A minor god, maybe, but you're still a god! :biggrin:

[Jimmy Snyder]

A minor god
What do I have to DO!

[nismaratwork]

I went to my favorite watering hole and ordered a shot and a beer. The bartender Jake says to me "Jimmy, you've put on a lot of weight, you don't look good at all." "I know" say I, "I would do anything to look better, but I can't diet, in fact, I eat more and more these days. You would too if you had my worries." Jake is a kindly bartender who will pretend to be interested in anyone's problems if it will help to sell alcohol. "What worries you?". I explained that my daughter wants to marry a Catholic boy. "I'm sorry to hear it" says Jake, "It's tough for a Jewish father, but you aren't very religious, do you really care that much?" "No", I reply, "the problem is the constant bickering. My daughter insists on having a Jewish ceremony and the boy wants a Catholic one. Where am I going to find anyone who can do both?". Says Jake "Cheer up, I'm sure there's some solution to your problem." "Don't make me laugh Jake, because that would be the funniest thing in the world." Just then a priest, a rabbi, and a girdle salesman walked into the bar.

:rofl:

Needs trimming, but I like where you're going with this.

[nismaratwork]

What do I have to DO!

That's the line in a movie that causes the evil spirit to whisper, "kiiiiilllll for meeeeeee..."

I'd go for a sandwich though, and if you like I'll start calling you Prophet Snyder. :biggrin:

[Jimmy Snyder]

Needs trimming.
It has as many words as I require, no more and no less. Which ones did you have in mind?

[nismaratwork]

It has as many words as I require, no more and no less. Which ones did you have in mind?

"Tuba"
"Aquifer"
"Quietly"
"Heme"

[dkotschessaa]

A photon walks into a bar. "Go away," says the bartender, "we don't serve light beer."

[dkotschessaa]

A computer walks into a bar with 1024 megabytes telling bad jokes. "What are you doing?" the bartender demands. "These jokes are awful!" "Sorry," says the computer, "but it's the only gig I've got."

[EnumaElish]

Gravity walks into a coffeehouse. "Go away," says the barista, "we don't serve weak coffee here."

[Borek]

Two bats hang from the branch. "I don't want to get old" says one. "Why?" "I am afraid of urinary incontinence."

[Kevin_Axion]

What do you do with dead chemists?


Barium.

[EnumaElish]

Danny was born to fish people -- that's how they described themselves to outsiders, often from behind a wan smile. His father, his uncles, his cousins and his nephews were fishermen. They joked to each other (too readily and too often, Danny would say) about growing scales, fins, and gills on their backs. Danny was different; he liked to step on, be on, and live on dry land. Where they lived, not being a fisherman meant choosing between moving away and getting hired by the other local employer, the prison system. Danny also liked Molly's laughter. You see, they had practically grown up together, he and Molly, and it didn't matter to him that most everybody thought she was a little crazy. Not lock-her-up crazy, you understand, but in this loud-speaking, hand-n-arm-waving, they'll-hear-what-I've-got-to-say way of crazy. And that was part of why Danny liked Molly; her laughter was the other part. In fact, when he heard her laughter he felt (as much as he did not, and would not admit it to no-one, and admitted barely to himself) as if the land, the sea, and the sky joined together and took on a purpose that they had long-forgotten. And Molly didn't look like or sound like she was going to move anywhere anytime soon. That's the long and the short of why Danny stayed and became a prison-bus driver. One day, he was driving the empty bus when he saw Molly riding her bicycle along the road. He caught with her, then slowed down. She stopped; he stopped. He opened the passenger door and called to her: "Hey Molly, want to ride in my bus?" Molly smiled and said: "Men driving shiny, sporty cars asked me to ride with them, and I turned them down -- most of them, anyway. What makes you think that I'd get off my bike and get on your old bus?" Danny was silent for a second or two; then, "Come on," he said, "people rob, steal, and kill to get on this bus!" And that's when she laughed.

[Lancelot59]

What do you do with dead chemists?


Barium.

HA! I like that one.

[Kevin_Axion]

What do you do with dead chemists?




Helium (It's endless, so many elements sound like verbs).

[jtbell]

Years and years ago, when I was in high school, our chemistry teacher gave us a quiz based on element puns like this. They must be all over the web now.

Well-driller's chant: boron

Prometheum anything, but give her Arpége.

[Lacy33]

Proof that Men Remember

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of Cocoa in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his Hot Cocoa.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room. 'Why are you down here at this time of night?

The husband looks up from his Cocoa , 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring

and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said 'I would have gotten out today.'

[Gad]

:rofl::cry: OMG :cry::rofl:

[IMP]

Blondes With Hammers...

Carol and Donna, were doing some carpentry work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?”

Carol explained, “When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.”

Donna got completely upset and yelled, “You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!”

[Lancelot59]

Proof that Men Remember

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of Cocoa in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his Hot Cocoa.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room. 'Why are you down here at this time of night?

The husband looks up from his Cocoa , 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring

and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said 'I would have gotten out today.'
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

[FtlIsAwesome]

Here's a lame one.

People are too paranoid these days. I would like to live in a world where a chicken's motives for travel aren't questioned.

[Max™]

Why did the lame chicken cross the road?

The road was a secant of the circle followed by the bird as it hobbled around.

[Barrett1]

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
Lollllllllllllllllllllllllz :D

[Jimmy Snyder]

Is this really coffee? It tastes like mud.
No sir, that would be the tea. The coffee tastes like turpentine.

[FtlIsAwesome]

This one's been done more than once. So let me redo it.

Anti-atom 1: I lost a positron!
Anti-atom 2: Are sure?
Anti-atom 3: I'm negative!

:tongue2:

[nismaratwork]

"Lincoln Lincoln I've been thinkin'
What the hell have you been drinkin'?
Is it whisky? Is it Wine?
Oh my god it's turpentine!"

A variation I've heard:

"Lincoln Lincoln I've been thinking:
If the world were made of glass;
Everybody in creation'd
fall and slide upon their Lincoln Lincoln... (repeat)"

[nismaratwork]

I don't know if this has been posted or not... possibly by me!

"Tommy was a chemist, but he isn't any more. For what he thought was H2O was H2SO4."

[FtlIsAwesome]

Tommy was an idiot.

[nismaratwork]

Tommy was an idiot.

Indeed he was :biggrin:

[IMP]

*** Adult Truths ***

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

[nismaratwork]

"When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose."

[Borg]

"When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose."

A friend of mine used to always say "mine's only 5 inches but, most women like 'em that wide". Now that I think of it, he didn't have a good memory either. :tongue:

[Borek]

Somehow that reminds me that God gave us a penis and a brain, but not enough blood to use both at the same time.

[nismaratwork]

A friend of mine used to always say "mine's only 5 inches but, most women like 'em that wide". Now that I think of it, he didn't have a good memory either. :tongue:

:rofl:

It is a "lame" joke... remember. :wink:

[nismaratwork]

Somehow that reminds me that God gave us a penis and a brain, but not enough blood to use both at the same time.

Another classic, "We [men] are life support systems for a penis."

[jtbell]

This subthread reminds me of a joke that was posted in another thread a few years ago:

http://www.physicsforums.com/showpost.php?p=1421016&postcount=217

[nismaratwork]

EVO!!! :rofl:

[DevilsAvocado]

"If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks."

Classic Evo :rofl:

[DevilsAvocado]

"When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose."

A friend of mine used to always say "mine's only 5 inches but, most women like 'em that wide". Now that I think of it, he didn't have a good memory either. :tongue:

Somehow that reminds me that God gave us a penis and a brain, but not enough blood to use both at the same time.

:biggrin::rofl::biggrin:

[nismaratwork]

:biggrin::rofl::biggrin:

Thank you kind sir, thank you! :wink:

[DevilsAvocado]

Kasparov's Apocalypse Now

*** Warning! Body part in strange environment! ***

wFcZm7UUYIg

[nismaratwork]

Oh god, isn't that priceless?

[DevilsAvocado]

:biggrin:

[lisab]

That probably led to some strange conversations over dinner that evening.

"How was work today? Anything interesting happen?"

"I batted a flying penis out of the air. How was your day, dear?"

[nismaratwork]

That probably led to some strange conversations over dinner that evening.

"How was work today? Anything interesting happen?"

"I batted a flying penis out of the air. How was your day, dear?"

:rofl:

LAME jokes Lisa... you're supposed to be LAME. You go join DaveC... that was funny.

[DevilsAvocado]

"I batted a flying penis out of the air. How was your day, dear?"
:blushing::rofl::rofl::rofl::blushing:

[nismaratwork]

I want to get a tiny version of that, and fly it into Qaddafi's ear. :biggrin:

Then you detonate the C4... :wink:

[DevilsAvocado]

I want to get a tiny version of that, and fly it into Qaddafi's ear. :biggrin:

Actually, I think we can fix this! :rolleyes:
3 men walk into a bar.

After they drink a couple of beers they are ready to leave, but the bartender won't let them unless they have 12 inches of dick between them.

The first guy whips his out and shows 6 inches.

The second guy drops his pants and shows 5 inches.

Finally, the third guy shows his 1 inch dick.

The bartender says "Ok, thats 12 inches you can go".

As the're walking away the first guy sais to the third, "Thank god you had a boner or we'd still be there."

[Lancelot59]

Kasparov's Apocalypse Now

*** Warning! Body part in strange environment! ***

wFcZm7UUYIg

I remember seeing that on the news. Fun times.

Incidentally I happen to be both well endowed and have a good memory.

[Oldfart]

In the news: HEROIC PIT BULL JOURNEYS 2000 MILES TO ATTACK OWNER!

[sandbanana]

A plane was flying from Poland to France and then to America. To keep track of nationalities for customs assigned seating was used. France nationals were on one side while Polish nationals occupied the other. On the descent into America the French were clammoring about the spectacular views. Curious, one of the Polish stepped onto the French side to see. Immediately and without warning the aircraft burst into flames and plummeted to Earth. When asked why the plane crashed so suddenly, a FAA spokesperson answered, "We discovered a pole in the right half of the plane."

[Gokul43201]

That's like the joke about Cauchy's dog. They say it leaves a residue at every pole.

[nismaratwork]

That's like the joke about Cauchy's dog. They say it leaves a residue at every pole.

Heh...

I'm ashamed that I laughed at that... :blushing:

Still...

Hehheh...

[FtlIsAwesome]

Bob was an astronaut, but he's not anymore. He landed on an object he thought had a mass of 4x1024, in kilograms.


It was actually in gigagrams.

[Lancelot59]

Bob was an astronaut, but he's not anymore. He landed on an object he thought had a mass of 4x1024, in kilograms.


It was actually in gigagrams.

He must have a really flat personality now.

[Borek]

It was actually in gigagrams.

It adds new meaning to the statement "check your units" that we see so often at PF.

[jtbell]

That's like the joke about Cauchy's dog. They say it leaves a residue at every pole.

That's why Poles hate Cauchy's dog, eh?

[IMP]

Bob was an astronaut, but he's not anymore. He landed on an object he thought had a mass of 4x1024, in kilograms.


It was actually in gigagrams.

I bet that mistake weighs heavy on him these days...

[nismaratwork]

Bob was an astronaut, but he's not anymore. He landed on an object he thought had a mass of 4x1024, in kilograms.


It was actually in gigagrams.


That's what happens when you use a slide-rule upside down... :biggrin:

[FtlIsAwesome]

It adds new meaning to the statement "check your units" that we see so often at PF.
Wow! I didn't know my jokes had hidden meaning...

[FtlIsAwesome]

There are 10 types of people in this world: those who know ternary, those who don't, and those who thought this was going to be a binary statement.


There are 10 types of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don't.


There is 10 type of people in this world: those who know that this statement is a paradox.


There are 10 types of people in this world: well, apparently this world is uninhabited.

[Lancelot59]

That's what happens when you use a slide-rule upside down... :biggrin:

I wish I knew how to use one of those.

[FtlIsAwesome]

That's what happens when you use a slide-rule upside down... :biggrin:
I have a calculator. What happens if you use it upside-down?

[Jimmy Snyder]

I have a calculator. What happens if you use it upside-down?
Try 2578 x 3 and see what breaks out.

[Lancelot59]

Enter this into your calculator:

7251*8

and turn it upside down.

[nismaratwork]

I have a calculator. What happens if you use it upside-down?

Your cock's crow falls flat. :biggrin:

@Lancelot59: No you don't. :wink:

[Lancelot59]

Your cock's crow falls flat. :biggrin:

@Lancelot59: No you don't. :wink:

Well I'd like to learn for the same reason I'd like to learn assembly. Fascination with old stuff. Plus when world war 3 happens calculators won't work anymore.

[nismaratwork]

Well I'd like to learn for the same reason I'd like to learn assembly. Fascination with old stuff. Plus when world war 3 happens calculators won't work anymore.

:rofl:

Yes, there is that... so you learned assembly?! Heh... did you want to program an OS, or was it really pure fascination with the guts of the machine?

[Lancelot59]

:rofl:

Yes, there is that... so you learned assembly?! Heh... did you want to program an OS, or was it really pure fascination with the guts of the machine?

I haven't yet. I want to though...I want to learn too many things.

[IMP]

A Letter to the Men's Help Line:

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night I hid in the shed behind the boat. About midnight she came home and got out of someone's car while buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

[Lancelot59]

A Letter to the Men's Help Line:

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night I hid in the shed behind the boat. About midnight she came home and got out of someone's car while buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

I laughed. He must be an engineer of some sort.

[Femme_physics]

A Letter to the Men's Help Line:

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night I hid in the shed behind the boat. About midnight she came home and got out of someone's car while buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

Funniest joke I heard in a while :D

[Lancelot59]

On that subject:

http://img819.imageshack.us/img819/3277/calculusposter.jpg

[Lacy33]

Lancelot59! This was up as the page refreshed when I came around the corner. I laughed so loud and unexpectedly, I think everyone is up now. That is FUNNY!

[sourlemon]

lolz I cracked up seeing the check too.

[mugaliens]

Most people nowadays think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'

Since I'm a pilot, one that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior. I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together.

I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique...

Most people nowadays think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'

Since I'm a pilot, one that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior. I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique...

http://i35.photobucket.com/albums/d185/mugaliens/pilotkid.jpg

Please bear in mind this is a photoshopped JOKE. I am NOT the pilot, and this is NOT my son.

[Lancelot59]

Lancelot59! This was up as the page refreshed when I came around the corner. I laughed so loud and unexpectedly, I think everyone is up now. That is FUNNY!

You're welcome! :biggrin:

[ThomasT]

There are 10 types of people in this world: those who know ternary, those who don't, and those who thought this was going to be a binary statement.


There are 10 types of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don't.


There is 10 type of people in this world: those who know that this statement is a paradox.


There are 10 types of people in this world: well, apparently this world is uninhabited.Yes, this is lame. The problem with this thread is that there's lots of funny stuff in it, not including your contribution.

[nismaratwork]

Yes, this is lame. The problem with this thread is that there's lots of funny stuff in it, not including your contribution.

:rofl:


Now, no offense Fit, but Thomas... :rofl: that was gooooood.

[DevilsAvocado]

Most people nowadays think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'

Since I'm a pilot, one that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior. I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together.

I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique...

Most people nowadays think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'

Since I'm a pilot, one that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior. I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique...

http://i35.photobucket.com/albums/d185/mugaliens/pilotkid.jpg

Please bear in mind this is a photoshopped JOKE. I am NOT the pilot, and this is NOT my son.

Most people nowadays think it’s improper to type everything twice. Most people nowadays think it’s improper to type everything twice.

[FtlIsAwesome]

Most people nowadays think it’s improper to type everything twice. Most people nowadays think it’s improper to type everything twice.
Heheh.



Most people nowadays think it’s improper to type everything twice. Most people nowadays think it’s improper to type everything twice.
Heheh.

[FtlIsAwesome]

There are 10 types of people in this world: those who know ternary, those who don't, and those who thought this was going to be a binary statement.


There are 10 types of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don't.


There is 10 type of people in this world: those who know that this statement is a paradox.


There are 10 types of people in this world: well, apparently this world is uninhabited.


There is 10 type of people in this world: these people are so negative.

[FtlIsAwesome]

Let the lameness ensue! >launching fireworks< :biggrin:

[DevilsAvocado]

There is 10 type of people in this world: these people are so negative.
There is 10 type of people in this world: these people are so negative.


Most people nowadays think 20 negative people are too much.
.hcum oot era elpoep evitagen 02 kniht syadawon elpoep tsoM


(:biggrin:)(:biggrin:)

[nismaratwork]

Most people nowadays think 20 negative people are too much.
.hcum oot era elpoep evitagen 02 kniht syadawon elpoep tsoM


(:biggrin:)(:biggrin:)

Mind that post doesn't interact with itself and annihilate!

P.S. Backward English looks suspciously Scandinavian... :wink:

[DevilsAvocado]

Mind that post doesn't interact with itself and annihilate!

NO anti-post!?http://planetsmilies.net/not-tagged-smiley-10171.gif

P.S. Backward English looks suspciously Scandinavian... :wink:

Haev yöu crooked tse stoipid cod!?!? :bugeye: Meine kleine Greta thold mee it was kömpletely zafe!! :grumpy:

[nismaratwork]

NO anti-post!?http://planetsmilies.net/not-tagged-smiley-10171.gif



Haev yöu crooked tse stoipid cod!?!? :bugeye: Meine kleine Greta thold mee it was kömpletely zafe!! :grumpy:

:rofl:

Damn you Dutch traders, for injecting so much Scandy-goodness into the odd pastiche that is Ingels! :wink:

[FtlIsAwesome]

Mind that post doesn't interact with itself and annihilate!
Well, I did say something about fireworks! http://planetsmilies.net/happy-smiley-8831.gif

[jtbell]

Haev yöu crooked tse stoipid cod!?!? :bugeye: Meine kleine Greta thold mee it was kömpletely zafe!! :grumpy:

Aha! You're the person responsible for the opening credits in Monty Python and the Holy Grail (http://www.smouse.force9.co.uk/monty.htm)!

[DevilsAvocado]

:rofl:

Damn you Dutch traders, for injecting so much Scandy-goodness into the odd pastiche that is Ingels! :wink:

Vhery try! Its zhat öld pästuiche Julio Inglesias bläädy fualt!!! :grumpy:

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/5/59/Julio_Iglesias08.jpg

[DevilsAvocado]

Aha! You're the person responsible for the opening credits in Monty Python and the Holy Grail (http://www.smouse.force9.co.uk/monty.htm)!

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/f/fc/Egil_Skallagrimsson_17c_manuscript.jpg/230px-Egil_Skallagrimsson_17c_manuscript.jpg
Wöw... Aim thönk Aj häve been cäught whit möy läderhösen döwn...http://planetsmilies.net/confused-smiley-17512.gif


...okäy, wee allh göt säcked, alsö wik myh deer freund Svenge (Öslo deäntist). Böt teah reeplasmacement – tree öllegal ömmigrants – däd ö heäck öf a jöbb!!

Directed By
40 SPECIALLY TRAINED
ECUADORIAN MOUNTAIN LLAMAS
6 VENEZUELAN RED LLAMAS
142 MEXICAN WHOOPING LLAMAS
14 NORTH CHILEAN GUANACOS
(CLOSELY RELATED TO THE LLAMA)
REG LLAMA OF BRIXTON
76000 BATTERY LLAMAS
FROM "LLAMA-FRESH" FARMS LTD. NEAR PARAGUAY
and
TERRY GILLIAM & TERRY JONES

http://www.cjsr.ualberta.ca/cms/news/jpegs/The-Three-Amigos-Photograph-C10101975.jp

NvIKL_pTZFE

WIK MOOSE!!

:biggrin:

[Borek]

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his a**. The doctors described his condition as stable.

[nismaratwork]

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his a**. The doctors described his condition as stable.

OK 1: :rofl:

2: Kind of makes you wonder what critical would have been. :smile:

[Lancelot59]

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his a**. The doctors described his condition as stable.

HA! Nice one.

Here's something funny:
http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Dave/comicpoopiter1.png

[jtbell]

Have you heard the idea that the entire universe is just a hashish-fueled dream of some super-being? It's called the "Big Bong theory."

[Evo]

have you heard the idea that the entire universe is just a hashish-fueled dream of some super-being? It's called the "big bong theory."lol.

[nismaratwork]

HA! Nice one.

Here's something funny:
http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Dave/comicpoopiter1.png


Fry: "Hey, as long as you don't make me smell Uranus." *laughs*
Leela: "I don't get it."
Professor: "I'm sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid joke once and for all."
Fry: "Oh. What's it called now?"
Professor: "Urectum. Here, let me locate it for you."
Fry: "Hehe, no, no, I think I'll just smell around a bit over here."
:smile:

[Jimmy Snyder]

Have you heard the idea that the entire universe is just a hashish-fueled dream of some super-being? It's called the "Big Bong theory."
I hadn't heard that, but I know the theory that says the universe began when some pimply kid blew into his lunch bag and popped it behind the head of that freckle-faced girl in pigtails. It's called the bag bang theory.

[nismaratwork]

I hadn't heard that, but I know the theory that says the universe began when some pimply kid blew into his lunch bag and popped it behind the head of that freckle-faced girl in pigtails. It's called the bag bang theory.

I thought that was the explantion for how Rossane and Arnold... you know... "coupled"?

[FtlIsAwesome]

Backward English looks suspciously Scandinavian... :wink:Haev yöu crooked tse stoipid cod!?!? :bugeye: Meine kleine Greta thold mee it was kömpletely zafe!! :grumpy:Aha! You're the person responsible for the opening credits in Monty Python and the Holy Grail (http://www.smouse.force9.co.uk/monty.htm)!
Who ez rezhpönsible for gïveeng thee møøse ah bäth?
Whö fëd tshe møøse?
Whoo, myh freündh, hoo petthed te møøse?
Whät ahboot tælleeng the møøse ah bedtyme störie? Hoo dæd thät?

[nismaratwork]

:rofl:

LAME guys... keep it LAME. You can't be funny in the LAME joke thread.

[DevilsAvocado]

Whät ahboot tælleeng the møøse ah bedtyme störie? Hoo dæd thät?

Wöll eay dæd that... eay tœlled hīæs fävôrite – Luttel Rudd Røidæng Höööd...

Ænd nöw dhe dämmned thong wön’t wouke!? :bugeye::grumpy::bugeye:

http://www.tdf.se/backaby/images/anders1.jpg http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/c/ca/Moose-warning.svg/200px-Moose-warning.svg.png

[Jimmy Snyder]

I rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared granting me 3 wishes. But whatever I wish for, my worst enemy will get double. So I wished for a billion dollars, I wished for a vacation home in Aruba, and I wished to be beaten half to death.

[nismaratwork]

I rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared granting me 3 wishes. But whatever I wish for, my worst enemy will get double. So I wished for a billion dollars, I wished for a vacation home in Aruba, and I wished to be beaten half to death.

I like that one, but the version I heard ended with, "I wish I had one testicle".

[Jimmy Snyder]

I like that one, but the version I heard ended with, "I wish I had one testicle".
I assume you mean lost one, not had one.

[nismaratwork]

I assume you mean lost one, not had one.

Ah, yes, quite right.

[IMP]

What does someone who just got kicked in the testicles and a land owner have in common?

They both have a couple acres...

[BobG]

Try 2578 x 3 and see what breaks out.

Enter this into your calculator:

7251*8

and turn it upside down.

This, too, shall pass the way of the slide rule. Even the cheap sub $20 calculators have symbolic notation nowadays.

http://www.casio.com/resource/images/xlarge/fx-300es_xlarge.jpg

[dkotschessaa]

The other day I managed to backwards engineer one of those upside down dirty calculator jokes I remembered from my youth. I don't know if it's fully appropriate for this thread, so perhaps I shall just say it starts with "there was 1 girl". It's 1 16 69 X 3

The result describes the uh... alleged status of said female.

It was funny as hell when I was 12.

I shall now flee.

-Dave KA

[nismaratwork]

This, too, shall pass the way of the slide rule. Even the cheap sub $20 calculators have symbolic notation nowadays.

http://www.casio.com/resource/images/xlarge/fx-300es_xlarge.jpg

I've never felt so old in my life.

[lisab]

I've never felt so old in my life.

Makes perfect sense. You haven't been this old before.

[nismaratwork]

Makes perfect sense. You haven't been this old before.

Now THAT belongs in lame jokes!... and only on PF... :rofl:

[BobG]

In a class I teach, I used to have the students calculate the speed of a satellite in a circular orbit with some absurd radius. When they'd start giving their answers, I'd just "I don't know, but if you turn your calculator upside down you'll get the name of the best instructor in the school house."

It was kind of depressing to buy new calculators for my classes. But, on the other hand, there's a way to use Newton's method on those calculators very quickly to convert mean anomaly into eccentric anomaly. Not bad for a calculator in the $15 to $20 range.

[nismaratwork]

In a class I teach, I used to have the students calculate the speed of a satellite in a circular orbit with some absurd radius. When they'd start giving their answers, I'd just "I don't know, but if you turn your calculator upside down you'll get the name of the best instructor in the school house."

It was kind of depressing to buy new calculators for my classes. But, on the other hand, there's a way to use Newton's method on those calculators very quickly to convert mean anomaly into eccentric anomaly. Not bad for a calculator in the $15 to $20 range.

Hmmm... I just think about the time we all spent programming graphing calculators, burning CDs... and now...

I just got a Kindle. I remember my old Commadore.... floppy, Floppy Discs... DOS...

and I'm freaking 30!!!! I'm too young to be so old!!! :wink:

[Lancelot59]

MILF = Man I Love Fishing

There is a picture to go with this, but I'm not sure it'd be acceptable here.

[FtlIsAwesome]

LAME guys... keep it LAME. You can't be funny in the LAME joke thread.
>Ahem<
Any Joke particle can simultaneously occupy the quantum superposition of Funny and Lame, therefore it can have the quality of Funny, but the quality of Lame is all that influences its standing here.

I've never felt so old in my life.
I've never felt this old either...

Makes perfect sense. You haven't been this old before.
Booyah!

Now THAT belongs in lame jokes!... and only on PF... :rofl:
This Joke particle does satisfy the requirment of Lame. Though not affecting its status in this Lame Jokes Thread (a collection of Joke particles organized into a nucleus with smaller Joke particles orbiting it), it also has the quality of Funny.

I'm freaking 30!!!! I'm too young to be so old!!! :wink:
I feel the same way... even though I'm slightly over half your age.

>oops<
>I've annoyed him<
>I run away as he unleashes his army of lightsaber tae-kwan-do-dos upon me<

[nismaratwork]

MILF = Man I Love Fishing

There is a picture to go with this, but I'm not sure it'd be acceptable here.

MILF:


Massive Interstellar Local Formation
More Ice Like FAST
My Id Loves Funk
Make Ideograms Look Fun
My Ideas Lack Flair

...

[nismaratwork]

>Ahem<
Any Joke particle can simultaneously occupy the quantum superposition of Funny and Lame, therefore it can have the quality of Funny, but the quality of Lame is all that influences its standing here.


I've never felt this old either...


Booyah!


This Joke particle does satisfy the requirment of Lame. Though not affecting its status in this Lame Jokes Thread (a collection of Joke particles organized into a nucleus with smaller Joke particles orbiting it), it also has the quality of Funny.


I feel the same way... even though I'm slightly over half your age.

>oops<
>I've annoyed him<
>I run away as he unleashes his army of lightsaber tae-kwan-do-dos upon me<

:rofl:

Hehhehehe.... Good stuff!
edit: However... doesn't that only work for ensembles of joke particles?

[FtlIsAwesome]

However... doesn't that only work for ensembles of joke particles?
You've got me stumped.
We'll need a trained quantum physicist to investigate the matter.

Ha! A pun!

[nismaratwork]

You've got me stumped.
We'll need a trained quantum physicist to investigate the matter.

Ha! A pun!

Nah, that won't work... You'll just have different Interpretations... :wink:

[FtlIsAwesome]

Meanwhile I am preparing my defenses against the lightsaber tae-kwan-do-do attack.
I have sent out my Concordeans to bomb them.

PS Did you get the pun?

[nismaratwork]

Meanwhile I am preparing my defenses against the lightsaber tae-kwan-do-do attack.
I have sent out my Concordeans to bomb them.

PS Did you get the pun?

Yes, and I appreciate the reference to the uber-birds. :wink:

Ahhh.. what did we do before photoshop? :biggrin:

...
....
.....

That's it. Your "reason" for supersonic birds... kinetic bombardment. If they are originally "biomechanical", and engineered... they could have been weapons. Now... they just live...

[FtlIsAwesome]

"This is Concordean 502, ready to drop payload."
"You have a go to drop the Tsar Bomba 4.0."
The massive bomb drops to the ground. It explodes in a 200 megaton fireball that engulfs the 55th TaeKwanDoDo Division. My bird zips away.
I put on sunglasses and say "Oooh! Shiny! F!r3w0rxx0rz!"

[FtlIsAwesome]

Ahhh.. what did we do before photoshop? :biggrin:
Humanity told stories about tall beanstalks, giants, and The Time Machine by H. G. Wells.

[nismaratwork]

Humanity told stories about tall beanstalks, giants, and The Time Machine by H. G. Wells.

Hmmm... not too bad.

Still, I think the birds would be better if they ARE the projectiles. They circulate around your jetstream, and when need arises they go into a ballistic trajectory and the kinetic energy alone is the bomb.

[FtlIsAwesome]

Still, I think the birds would be better if they ARE the projectiles. They circulate around your jetstream, and when need arises they go into a ballistic trajectory and the kinetic energy alone is the bomb.
Are current supersonic aircraft good as kinetic weapons?

And to stay on-topic I should put a lame joke here...

Death by dihydrogen monoxide can be one of the worst ways to die.

[nismaratwork]

Are current supersonic aircraft good as kinetic weapons?

And to stay on-topic I should put a lame joke here...

Death by dihydrogen monoxide can be one of the worst ways to die.

Oooh... OUCH...

As to the aircraft... no, but then... this is a different planet, right? Maybe there's a reason to avoid nuclear weapons, or conventional explosives...

Still... if you look at 9.11... they do work as kinetic weapons, and that's not supersonic.


Back to jokes: "Cricket: "A game invented by religious fundamentalists to explain the idea of eternal hell to non-Chrisitan indigenous people of the former British Empire." (Joe O'Connor) " *from The Devil's Dictionary*

[Ivan Seeking]

A rare and confusing event for the locals, snow fell on San Francisco this week. Emergency rooms were deludged with cases of nasal-cavity frost bite.

[nismaratwork]

A rare and confusing event for the locals, snow fell on San Francisco this week. Emergency rooms were deludged with cases of nasal-cavity frost bite.

:rofl:

I'm laughing, but truly, my nose just got a bit stuffy thinking about it.

[Lancelot59]

A rare and confusing event for the locals, snow fell on San Francisco this week. Emergency rooms were deludged with cases of nasal-cavity frost bite.

I don't get it.

[nismaratwork]

I don't get it.

Think... rails.

[Lancelot59]

Think... rails.

I still don't get it.

[Borek]

I still don't get it.

Do you have a 1 dollar bill?

[DevilsAvocado]

>Ahem<
Any Joke particle can simultaneously occupy the quantum superposition of Funny and Lame, therefore it can have the quality of Funny, but the quality of Lame is all that influences its standing here.

Moose Action at a Distance???? http://planetsmilies.net/confused-smiley-17512.gif

[DevilsAvocado]

http://i46.tinypic.com/14t3jtc.jpg

[Lancelot59]

Do you have a 1 dollar bill?

Oh...they were doing cocaine?

[nismaratwork]

Oh...they were doing cocaine?

Rails... of cocaine. Yeah, that was the clue. I don't know, having never used cocaine I'm only really familiar with the addict terminology.

http://www.drugnet.net/resources/gallery_photo/cocaine127.jpg

[Lancelot59]

Rails... of cocaine. Yeah, that was the clue. I don't know, having never used cocaine I'm only really familiar with the addict terminology.

http://www.drugnet.net/resources/gallery_photo/cocaine127.jpg

Right...I still don't get it. Was it because they all thought the snow was cocaine?
http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/demotivational-posters-snorting-coke.jpg

[Ivan Seeking]

Right...I still don't get it. Was it because they all thought the snow was cocaine?

That was the idea. :biggrin: San Francisco has a reputation as a mecca for hyper-liberals [in the 1960's and 70's it was hippies] and drug users.

Also, "snow" is an old street name for cocaine.

[BobG]

http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/demotivational-posters-snorting-coke.jpg

Is that Joe Charboneau? No, wait, Charboneau used to be able to drink beer through his nose.

He was rookie of the year for the Indians when the Indians were in the midst of a 30 year losing streak and lots of baseball fans saw him as our hope for the future - until he started dying his hair odd colors, opening beer bottles with his eye socket, drinking beer through his nose, and doing his own dental work with a pair of pliers and a bottle of Jack Daniels.

He got sent back to the minors pretty early in his second season and was playing semi-pro ball a couple years after that. Being a Cleveland sports fan just kind of sucks like that.

[nismaratwork]

That was the idea. :biggrin: San Francisco has a reputation as a mecca for hyper-liberals [in the 1960's and 70's it was hippies] and drug users.

Also, "snow" is an old street name for cocaine.

"Pure as the driven snow"... Heh.

What gets me is the majority of money having cocaine residue on it! I realize if someone is snorting cocaine, they're not really concerned about health (given what cocaine is, and what it's cut with), but... money is pretty dirty stuff; why use rolled money to snort? I never did understand that...

...Then again the strongest thing I've used in my life is cannabis, and that was many many many moons ago.


@"snorting Coke" Funny pic, but you know that kid's nose must have been on FIRE for a while! :rofl:

[FtlIsAwesome]

Moose Action at a Distance???? http://planetsmilies.net/confused-smiley-17512.gif
Yës æït ïs.

[DevilsAvocado]

Yës æït ïs.

Oköy thäught sö.


(...this is getting real lame, isn’t it...? :biggrin:)

[FtlIsAwesome]

(...this is getting real lame, isn’t it...? :biggrin:)
Søry, no Inglesh I only knø Skandïhnävian.


I wander what wold happen ïf yøø ghot æ møøse to snört köka-kölah... wäït don't dou thhat the møøse wîll gæt verie angrie, he wëëll pröhb'blie trâmple yøø...

[FtlIsAwesome]

Øüwch.

[Ivan Seeking]

What gets me is the majority of money having cocaine residue on it! I realize if someone is snorting cocaine, they're not really concerned about health (given what cocaine is, and what it's cut with), but... money is pretty dirty stuff; why use rolled money to snort? I never did understand that...

Note that "deluged" only has one d in it. :rolleyes: Sometimes I think I have alien finger syndrome.

It bothers me a lot more that my bills have all been up someone's nose!

[FtlIsAwesome]

It bothers me a lot more that my bills have all been up someone's nose!
That makes me feel like I need to sneeze. :bugeye:

[DevilsAvocado]

I wander what wold happen ïf yøø ghot æ møøse to snört köka-kölah... wäït don't dou thhat the møøse wîll gæt verie angrie, he wëëll pröhb'blie trâmple yøø...

Nö nö, taht is nöt ä pröblem. Mööse is ä bäd äss jönky änd höö cän händle it. Dön’t læt him drivæ thöugh, thät næver ænds wäll, änd pölice is væry thööugh whæn it cömes too mööse spæeding... thæy cän smæll a snörting möös milæs äheaæd...

http://i52.tinypic.com/x2p3wy.jpg

Thæ cöps wäs öut yæstærdäy äss wæll...

http://i54.tinypic.com/33p4xf4.png

[DevilsAvocado]

It bothers me a lot more that my bills have all been up someone's nose!

Øüwch.

[nismaratwork]

Note that "deluged" only has one d in it. :rolleyes: Sometimes I think I have alien finger syndrome.

It bothers me a lot more that my bills have all been up someone's nose!

Ugh, right? That's why I always wear 18 layers of latex gloves, and bathe in boiling water and acetone. :wink:

[FtlIsAwesome]

Øüwch.
Hey you stole my post! Thief!

:tongue2:

[nismaratwork]

Nö nö, taht is nöt ä pröblem. Mööse is ä bäd äss jönky änd höö cän händle it. Dön’t læt him drivæ thöugh, thät næver ænds wäll, änd pölice is væry thööugh whæn it cömes too mööse spæeding... thæy cän smæll a snörting möös milæs äheaæd...

http://i52.tinypic.com/x2p3wy.jpg

Thæ cöps wäs öut yæstærdäy äss wæll...

http://i54.tinypic.com/33p4xf4.png

HA! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[DevilsAvocado]

Hey you stole my post! Thief!

:tongue2:

Pleæase dön’t bä aængry – äll Shcöæandinäääviæns äre cøømmuönists – WÆE SHAÆRE!! :!!):!!):!!)


(:tongue::grumpy::tongue2::mad:)

:rofl:

[DevilsAvocado]

HA! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

http://planetsmilies.net/happy-smiley-8490.gifhttp://planetsmilies.net/happy-smiley-8803.gifhttp://planetsmilies.net/happy-smiley-8490.gif

[FtlIsAwesome]

My Plan To Become The Greatest PF Member (And Take Over The World, Defend FTL, Etc.)

1. Discover a method of traveling to the future: extended life span, relativistic rocket, etc.
2. Utilize method(s) to reach a time where we have achieved backwards time travel.
3. Go back to 2011 and take the advanced tech and physics with me.
4. Build up an impenetrable castle made of scrith bricks, black hole strength force fields, unilaser impactors (I dunno why its called that), unlimited energy power plant, etc.
5. As my empire expands, the nations of Earth surrender to my control.
6. Now as the benevolent dictator of Earth I institute massive vactrain maglev projects, fusion plants, and solve global warming (if it is real) once and for all by building the world's largest ice cube.
7. Establish a law stating I am the greatest PF member.
8. All the PFers I like have the choice to work in my one-world government.
9. All the PFers I don't like, well maybe they'll start being nice to me.
10. The PFers in the middle get prepaid upgraded accounts and prepaid SciAm subscriptions.
11. In the new Earth Constitution, write an article protecting FTL. (I'm looking at YOU, OA!)
11b. Make a law saying Firefly TOTALLY STINKS.
12. Make peaceful contact with aliens.
13. Upscale the Earth Empire in an intergalactic union.
14. Any aliens that try to invade Earth or any of my worlds get shot with my lightyear long energy pistol (its not heavy at all).
15. After reigning for many years, I hand over control to one lucky PF member (better start being real nice to me if you want this position!)
16. I travel to the future and gather up the doubly advanced technology.
17. I travel to 2011. Repeat the whole process.

On a side note I could go back in time and stop Firefly and OA from ever coming into existence. YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!

[nismaratwork]

My Plan To Become The Greatest PF Member (And Take Over The World, Defend FTL, Etc.)

1. Discover a method of traveling to the future: extended life span, relativistic rocket, etc.

We're doing it now, but it's not extendig out lifespan. :wink:

2. Utilize method(s) to reach a time where we have achieved backwards time travel.
3. Go back to 2011 and take the advanced tech and physics with me.

Hmmm, I'm not sure I like where this is going...

4. Build up an impenetrable castle made of scrith bricks, black hole strength force fields, unilaser impactors (I dunno why its called that), unlimited energy power plant, etc.

Yep... not good.

5. As my empire expands, the nations of Earth surrender to my control.

With that firepower?... Can I volunteer to surrender first?

6. Now as the benevolent dictator of Earth I institute massive vactrain maglev projects, fusion plants, and solve global warming (if it is real) once and for all by building the world's largest ice cube.

Wait a second... that last bit is Futurama! :wink:

7. Establish a law stating I am the greatest PF member.

To maintain your technocracy, you wouldn't be able to allow a PF.

8. All the PFers I like have the choice to work in my one-world government.
9. All the PFers I don't like, well maybe they'll start being nice to me.

You have lasers, mass drivers, and fusion. You bet your butt we'll be nice!

10. The PFers in the middle get prepaid upgraded accounts and prepaid SciAm subscriptions.
11. In the new Earth Constitution, write an article protecting FTL. (I'm looking at YOU, OA!)

I want a phaser!!
11b. Make a law saying Firefly TOTALLY STINKS.

Oh... so you want to start a revolt?!

12. Make peaceful contact with aliens.

Hey, when they probed my rectum, it was very peaceful contact.

13. Upscale the Earth Empire in an intergalactic union.
14. Any aliens that try to invade Earth or any of my worlds get shot with my lightyear long energy pistol (its not heavy at all).

You want a gun that fires over a period of a year? heh.

15. After reigning for many years, I hand over control to one lucky PF member (better start being real nice to me if you want this position!)
16. I travel to the future and gather up the doubly advanced technology.
17. I travel to 2011. Repeat the whole process.

At least you're not overly ambitious. :wink:

On a side note I could go back in time and stop Firefly and OA from ever coming into existence. YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!

Grrrrrrr... OR... you could order the networks to make more Firefly!

[FtlIsAwesome]

We're doing it now, but it's not extendig out lifespan. :wink:
I just have to be patient... and get a lot of funding.
Alternatively I can slap together some pieces of quartz. Funny thing is, it never seems to work. It worked in the book, didn't it?
Hmmm, I'm not sure I like where this is going...
Why not? Wouldn't you like to have the technology to produce massive quantities of Root Beer for less than a picopenny?
Can I volunteer to surrender first?
That was the point. I probably should have stated it better. The nations join me because they realize that everything will be better that way, 'cause of the supertech and all.
And I can bribe the citizens by giving out lottery numbers, who will then sway the governments to come under my rule. :biggrin: Violence isn't absolutely required.
Wait a second... that last bit is Futurama! :wink:
Really? I didn't know that.
To maintain your technocracy, you wouldn't be able to allow a PF.
Much of my tech will be secret. If people start figuring out some of the tech (ie. fusion power), I'll just pull out something more powerful to remain ahead of them. :tongue2:
You have lasers, mass drivers, and fusion. You bet your butt we'll be nice!
:biggrin::biggrin::biggrin::biggrin::biggrin: Thank you. :biggrin::biggrin::biggrin::biggrin::biggrin:

And I'll hire someone to fix that bug that prevents me from using lots of emoticons in a row:
:smile::smile::smile::smile::smile::smile::smile:: smile::smile::smile:
I want a phaser!!
Ok. Just don't violate any human/sentient/lifeform rights.
I also have holodecks if you're interested.
Oh... so you want to start a revolt?!
Why not? I'll have plenty of popcorn. :biggrin:
...it was very peaceful contact.


......

You want a gun that fires over a period of a year? heh.
:rolleyes: A gun that is 9,460,730,472,580.8 km long.
It can fire at a rate of about 1050 times a second.
Its firepower can be set anywhere from Stun to BlowUpAPlanet.
It also utilizes superluminal physics.
And it can retract to 1 mm by shrink fields similar to the Alcubierre drive.
Extending it out to its maximum length is an easy way to fire at point blank range.
At least you're not overly ambitious. :wink:
You haven't seen my second Intergalactic Domination yet. :biggrin:
Grrrrrrr... OR... you could order the networks to make more Firefly!
Eh? Why?
Saying "humans haven't achieved FTL yet" is fine, but saying "FTL doesn't exist" is blasphemy. :mad::mad::mad: Hey, FTL's in my name.
I'm not sure which is the greater threat: Orion's Arm or Firefly. And to think that Firefly orbits over my head every few minutes...

Anyway, they'll be too busy adapting my novels for film and TV. :biggrin::biggrin::biggrin:
I think I'll play the part of Captain Cyprus myself. (one of the secondary characters)

[nismaratwork]

"Stun" to Planet-killer....

OK... I like that a lot. Now, OA can just suffer and die, but Firely... they had FTL... didn't they?

Anyway, FTL is the true blasphemy, but then, nothing is in fiction which is at least half of the fun.

[gatztopher]

Punchlines needed.

Q: Did you hear about the communist landlord?
A1: All the windows have iron curtains.
A2: Every room has a picture of him in it.
A3: ??? (need help coming up with better punchlines)

[Jimmy Snyder]

Punchlines needed.

Q: Did you hear about the communist landlord?
A1: All the windows have iron curtains.
A2: Every room has a picture of him in it.
A3: ??? (need help coming up with better punchlines)
Communist landlord? What will they think of next?

[arildno]

A: He paid all the rents himself.

[Jimmy Snyder]

Communist landlords of the world unite. You have nothing to lose but your door chains.

[AlephZero]

This year's communist rent has been reset to the national average for the year.
That means it is higher than last year's, but lower than next year's.

Igor complains to his landlord that his gas cooker isn't working. The landlord says. "No problem, Igor, I've booked the gas engineer to fix it. He will be here in exactly 10 years from today, first thing in the morning."

A few years later, Igor goes to buy a new car. The salesman says, "No problem, Igor, I've put your order on the waiting list. In exactly 5 years from today, you can come and collect your car first thing in the morning".

Igor says, "I'm sorry, but I won't be able to do that. The gas man is coming that morning to fix the cooker."

[FtlIsAwesome]

Pleæase dön’t bä aængry – äll Shcöæandinäääviæns äre cøømmuönists – WÆE SHAÆRE!! :!!):!!):!!)


(:tongue::grumpy::tongue2::mad:)

:rofl:

Iom nöt cøømmuönist.
Ahnd I döönt shaære. Miyne, miyne, miyne!

[FtlIsAwesome]

I used to think that "essay" was actually S.A.
When I asked someone what it stood for, the person wouldn't answer.

For a long time I thought Uranus was pronounced you-rain-ee-us to ryhme with Uranium.

[lisab]

I used to think that "essay" was actually S.A.
When I asked someone what it stood for, the person wouldn't answer.

For a long time I thought Uranus was pronounced you-rain-ee-us to ryhme with Uranium.

I like that...you-rain-ee-us sounds cool! Uranus...not so much.

[FtlIsAwesome]

I like that...you-rain-ee-us sounds cool! Uranus...not so much.
The year 2022: The IAU has voted to change the name of the seventh planet to Uranius, and has altered its pronunciation accordingly.

:tongue2:

[lisab]

The year 2022: The IAU has voted to change the name of the seventh planet to Uranius, and has altered its pronunciation accordingly.

:tongue2:

Yay :smile:!

[DevilsAvocado]

The year 2222: They have defrosted Prince and he got a bluish face, so they rename it to purple-you-rain-ee-us.

(omg that is lame! :blushing:)

[lisab]

The year 2222: They have defrosted Prince and he got a bluish face, so they rename it to purple-you-rain-ee-us.

(omg that is lame! :blushing:)

:tongue2: yes it is hahahah.....

[DevilsAvocado]

:biggrin:

[DevilsAvocado]

Iom nöt cøømmuönist.
Ahnd I döönt shaære. Miyne, miyne, miyne!

Ökäy, I givæ it bääck:

"Øüwch."

(blöödy tightwädd :grumpy:)

[FtlIsAwesome]

Alert: Avocadovorians have been roaming the area recently. All Avocados are strongly advised to remain indoors or in safe locations.

[DevilsAvocado]

Alert: Avocadovorians have been roaming the area recently. All Avocados are strongly advised to remain indoors or in safe locations.

http://planetsmilies.net/not-tagged-smiley-10171.gif

[FtlIsAwesome]

Alert: Avocadovorians have been roaming the area recently. All Avocados are strongly advised to remain indoors or in safe locations.
Just remembered something: I'm not an Avocado so I don't have to worry about it.
:tongue2:

[FtlIsAwesome]

SELF-REPLENSIHING PEPSI!!!

http://planetsmilies.net/eat-drink-smiley-5172.gif

[FtlIsAwesome]

The Gingerbread Warrior: Greater than a Ninja

[FtlIsAwesome]

Physics Forums likes me.
Every time I login, it says "Thank you for logging in, FtlIsAwesome."

[Isaacsname]

What letter of the alphabet is most like a pirate ?

It's not an R.

It's a P,..because it's like an R ,... but it's missing a leg.

--

What do you call a dog with no legs ?

It doesn't matter, it still won't come to you.

[ThomasT]

What letter of the alphabet is most like a pirate ?

It's not an R.

It's a P,..because it's like an R ,... but it's missing a leg.

--

What do you call a dog with no legs ?

It doesn't matter, it still won't come to you.Yes, these are really lame, and therefore acceptable additions to the thread.

[ThomasT]

Physics Forums likes me.
Every time I login, it says "Thank you for logging in, FtlIsAwesome."You've definitely been on a roll!

[ThomasT]

The year 2222: They have defrosted Prince and he got a bluish face, so they rename it to purple-you-rain-ee-us.

(omg that is lame! :blushing:)Wonderfully lame DA. Thumbs up!!

[Isaacsname]

What does a string theorist zombie say ?

" Braaaaaaaaannneeeeeessss "

A mexican zombie ?

" Beeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaannnnsss "

A vegan zombie ?

" Graaaaaaaaiiiiiinnnnnnnssss "

[ThomasT]

What does a string theorist zombie say ?

" Braaaaaaaaannneeeeeessss "

A mexican zombie ?

" Beeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaannnnsss "

A vegan zombie ?

" Graaaaaaaaiiiiiinnnnnnnssss "Excellent! I didn't find this very funny at all.

[FtlIsAwesome]

What does a string theorist zombie say ?

" Braaaaaaaaannneeeeeessss "

A mexican zombie ?

" Beeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaannnnsss "

A vegan zombie ?

" Graaaaaaaaiiiiiinnnnnnnssss "
Excellent! I didn't find this very funny at all.
I did. :tongue2:

[ThomasT]

I did. :tongue2:I refuse to become entangled in an IIR (infinite ironic regress). You're good.

[FtlIsAwesome]

What does a string theorist zombie say ?

" Braaaaaaaaannneeeeeessss "

A mexican zombie ?

" Beeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaannnnsss "

A vegan zombie ?

" Graaaaaaaaiiiiiinnnnnnnssss "

A capitalist zombie?

" Gaaaaaaaaiiiiinnnnnnnnnnsssss "

An enviromentalist zombie?

" Raaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiinnnnnnsssssss "

A traffic officer zombie?

" Laaaaaannnnnnnneeeeeeesssssssss "

A lunar expert zombie?

" Waaaaaaannnnnnnneeeeessssss "

A crippled zombie?

" Caaaaaannnnnnnneeeeeeesssssss "

A dog enthusiast zombie?

" Daaaaannnnnnneeeeeeeessssss "

A biologist zombie?

" Vaaaaannnnnnneeeeeeesssss "

A zookeeper zombie?

" Maaaaaaannnnnnnnneeeeeessss "

A medieval torturer zombie?

" Paaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnsssss "

[FtlIsAwesome]

You're good.
http://planetsmilies.net/sport-smiley-5558.gif

[HeLiXe]

A capitalist zombie?

" Gaaaaaaaaiiiiinnnnnnnnnnsssss "

An enviromentalist zombie?

" Raaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiinnnnnnsssssss "

A traffic officer zombie?

" Laaaaaannnnnnnneeeeeeesssssssss "

A lunar expert zombie?

" Waaaaaaannnnnnnneeeeessssss "

A crippled zombie?

" Caaaaaannnnnnnneeeeeeesssssss "

A dog enthusiast zombie?

" Daaaaannnnnnneeeeeeeessssss "

A biologist zombie?

" Vaaaaannnnnnneeeeeeesssss "

A zookeeper zombie?

" Maaaaaaannnnnnnnneeeeeessss "

A medieval torturer zombie?

" Paaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnsssss "

OMG I am so glad I came to PF tonight :rofl:

[Lancelot59]

OMG I am so glad I came to PF tonight :rofl:
Hi HeLiXe!

There's always something fun going on.

[Isaacsname]

A capitalist zombie?

" Gaaaaaaaaiiiiinnnnnnnnnnsssss "

An enviromentalist zombie?

" Raaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiinnnnnnsssssss "

A traffic officer zombie?

" Laaaaaannnnnnnneeeeeeesssssssss "

A lunar expert zombie?

" Waaaaaaannnnnnnneeeeessssss "

A crippled zombie?

" Caaaaaannnnnnnneeeeeeesssssss "

A dog enthusiast zombie?

" Daaaaannnnnnneeeeeeeessssss "

A biologist zombie?

" Vaaaaannnnnnneeeeeeesssss "

A zookeeper zombie?

" Maaaaaaannnnnnnnneeeeeessss "

A medieval torturer zombie?

" Paaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnsssss "

....:eek: Holy....****

[ThomasT]

A capitalist zombie?

" Gaaaaaaaaiiiiinnnnnnnnnnsssss "

An enviromentalist zombie?

" Raaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiinnnnnnsssssss "

A traffic officer zombie?

" Laaaaaannnnnnnneeeeeeesssssssss "

A lunar expert zombie?

" Waaaaaaannnnnnnneeeeessssss "

A crippled zombie?

" Caaaaaannnnnnnneeeeeeesssssss "

A dog enthusiast zombie?

" Daaaaannnnnnneeeeeeeessssss "

A biologist zombie?

" Vaaaaannnnnnneeeeeeesssss "

A zookeeper zombie?

" Maaaaaaannnnnnnnneeeeeessss "

A medieval torturer zombie?

" Paaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnsssss "I really don't want to appear lame. But I'm not sure if your latest offering is lame or not. In general that is. Thus, insofar as there exists the possibility of lameness wrt my understanding of your offering or your offering itself, then I suppose that you've posted thematically -- until authoritatively advised otherwise. Of course, I might not accept some ostensibly authoritative assessment of your post. And now I've confused myself again. Or was it you? Oh yeah, you're good.

Well, I thought that was sufficiently lame. What do you think? (To be honest, I think I'm stuck on a sort of lameness plateau. I want to go deeper, but don't really know how. Lead, and I will follow -- unless of course you do not lead sufficiently lamely, and then I will taunt you.)

[Borek]

- Knock, Knock?
- Who's there?
- Polish burglar.

Is there something lamer than a Pole posting lame Polish joke?

[nismaratwork]

A capitalist zombie?

" Gaaaaaaaaiiiiinnnnnnnnnnsssss "

An enviromentalist zombie?

" Raaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiinnnnnnsssssss "

A traffic officer zombie?

" Laaaaaannnnnnnneeeeeeesssssssss "

A lunar expert zombie?

" Waaaaaaannnnnnnneeeeessssss "

A crippled zombie?

" Caaaaaannnnnnnneeeeeeesssssss "

A dog enthusiast zombie?

" Daaaaannnnnnneeeeeeeessssss "

A biologist zombie?

" Vaaaaannnnnnneeeeeeesssss "

A zookeeper zombie?

" Maaaaaaannnnnnnnneeeeeessss "

A medieval torturer zombie?

" Paaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnsssss "

:rofl:

Oooh... good stuff.

@Borek: Yes, but I'd get banned if I did it! :rofl:

[nismaratwork]

I really don't want to appear lame. But I'm not sure if your latest offering is lame or not. In general that is. Thus, insofar as there exists the possibility of lameness wrt my understanding of your offering or your offering itself, then I suppose that you've posted thematically -- until authoritatively advised otherwise. Of course, I might not accept some ostensibly authoritative assessment of your post. And now I've confused myself again. Or was it you? Oh yeah, you're good.

Well, I thought that was sufficiently lame. What do you think? (To be honest, I think I'm stuck on a sort of lameness plateau. I want to go deeper, but don't really know how. Lead, and I will follow -- unless of course you do not lead sufficiently lamely, and then I will taunt you.)

Are you "Tycho" from Penny Arcade?! :wink:

[ThomasT]

Are you "Tycho" from Penny Arcade?! :wink:I don't even like ostriches.

[Isaacsname]

- Knock, Knock?
- Who's there?
- Polish burglar.

Is there something lamer than a Pole posting lame Polish joke?

That was incredibly humorous, thanks for starting my day with a laugh.

The knock knock joke was good too.

--

What's the difference between America and yogurt ?

If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it'll grow a culture.

'drops microphone and walks off stage '

[Ivan Seeking]

Did you hear about the Lorena Bobbit computer virus?

It turns your hard drive into a three-and-a-half-inch floppy.

[nismaratwork]

I don't even like ostriches.

:tongue:

Hey, you've got the prose going, I think you should consider posing as him. :biggrin:

@Isaacsname: :rofl:

"What's the difference between G-d and a surgeon? G-d knows he's not a surgeon."

@Ivan: http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies/scared/scared0018.gif

[nismaratwork]

http://www.cnn.com/2011/CRIME/03/05/connecticut.east.coast.rapist/index.html?hpt=T1

And just like that *snap*, I'm all for smoking.

[Lacy33]

- Knock, Knock?
- Who's there?
- Polish burglar.

Is there something lamer than a Pole posting lame Polish joke?

Yeah! a couple Jews not getting the joke for about 4 minutes. :frown: :rofl:

[Isaacsname]

A lame joke thread is incomplete without Florence Jenkins and McGonagall . Bad poetry and mangled opera go hand in hand with lame jokes.

For your viewing pleasure

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qtf2Q4yyuJ0

http://www.mcgonagall-online.org.uk/articles/failures.htm

[nismaratwork]

A lame joke thread is incomplete without Florence Jenkins and McGonagall . Bad poetry and mangled opera go hand in hand with lame jokes.

For your viewing pleasure

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qtf2Q4yyuJ0

http://www.mcgonagall-online.org.uk/articles/failures.htm

My eyes! My ears! My... AAARRGGHHH! :wink:

[FtlIsAwesome]

A transportation engineer zombie?

" Trrrraaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnnnssssss "

[Isaacsname]

A transportation engineer zombie?

" Trrrraaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnnnssssss "

A pilot zombie ?

" Plllaaaaannnnnneeeeeeeeessss"

A zombie car mechanic ?

" Auuuttttooooooomobilllleeeeeeeeesssss "

:uhh:

[Lancelot59]

A pilot zombie ?

" Plllaaaaannnnnneeeeeeeeessss"

A zombie car mechanic ?

" Auuuttttooooooomobilllleeeeeeeeesssss "

:uhh:

Or Caaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrsssssssss

[Isaacsname]

A zombie drycleaner ?

" Staaaiiiiiiiiiinnnnsssss "

:tongue2:

[FtlIsAwesome]

A pilot zombie ?

" Plllaaaaannnnnneeeeeeeeessss"

A zombie car mechanic ?

" Auuuttttooooooomobilllleeeeeeeeesssss "

:uhh:

That last one doesn't work. :tongue2:

[nismaratwork]

Zombie Singer?

"Reeeeefffrraaaaaaiiiiinnnsss"

Zombie Pedagogue?

"Eeexxxxxplllaaaaaaaiiiiinnnnnssss"

heh... so lame.

[Lancelot59]

Zombie electrician?

Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiinnnsssss.

[nismaratwork]

Zombie electrician?

Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiinnnsssss.

Zombie PT?

Spppprrraaaaaaaaiiinnnsssss

[FtlIsAwesome]

A photographist zombie?

" Frrrraaaaaaammmmmeeeesssssss "

[Lancelot59]

Zombie PT?

Spppprrraaaaaaaaiiinnnsssss

Zombie porn star?

Baaaaaaabeeeeeessss.

[FtlIsAwesome]

A zombie with a headache?

" Assssppprrrrriiiiinnnn "

[nismaratwork]

A transportation engineer zombie?

" Trrrraaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnnnssssss "

:rofl:

A physicist zombie studying Relativity?

"Frrrraaaaammmeesssss"


P.S. Damn, Fit you got me!

[nismaratwork]

Zombie porn star?

Baaaaaaabeeeeeessss.

More like, "AAAAIIIIIIDDDDSSSS" :bugeye:


Zombie Origami artist?

"Crrrrraaaaannnneeesss"

[Isaacsname]

Zombie Ex-mother inlaw ?

" Disdaaaiiiiiiinnnssss "

...' backs slowly towards exit '

[FtlIsAwesome]

Zombie Origami artist?

"Crrrrraaaaannnneeesss"
Or a constuction zombie.

[Isaacsname]

A cowboy rides into town one day, shrouded in dust. He eases his horse up to the the saloon, hops off, ties the horse off and put on the feedbag.

He walks around to the rear of the horse, lifts up the tail and kisses the horse right where you wouldn't.

The other cowboys, stunned into silence momentarily, ask the lone stranger

" What the hell was that for ..? "

The stranger replies

" ... " Chapped lips "

To which they reply

" ..What the hell does that have to do with chapped lips...? "

The stranger looks up and says

" Well,....It keeps me from licking them "

[nismaratwork]

OK... I just died a little inside....


:bugeye:

[Isaacsname]

Ha ! Didn't they warn you..? I'm dangerous...

...ly stupid.

:tongue2:

[nismaratwork]

Ha ! Didn't they warn you..? I'm dangerous...

...ly stupid.

:tongue2:

Heh.... :biggrin:

[Lancelot59]

Zombie shoe salesman:

Laaaaaaaaccceeeeeeesssss.

[Isaacsname]

Zombie shoe salesman:

Laaaaaaaaccceeeeeeesssss.

A zombie dentist

" Brrraaaaaaaccccceeeeesssss "

[nismaratwork]

A zombie dentist

" Brrraaaaaaaccccceeeeesssss "

A zombie insomniac


"Paaaaaaccceeesssss"

[Borek]

Cowboy enters a bar, puts a cigarette into his lips, takes a gun, fires in some random direction. Bullet ricochets twice, strikes the end of the cigarette and lights it.

- Hi, I am John!

Next cowboy enters a bar, puts a cigarette into his lips, takes a gun, fires in some random direction. Bullet ricochets thrice, strikes the end of the cigarette and lights it.

- Hi, I am Jack!

Next cowboy enters a bar, puts a cigarette into his lips, takes a gun, fires in some random direction. Bullet ricochets four times, kills a bartender.

- Hi, I am sorry.

[Isaacsname]

Not a joke but a question

Why is it, that if I get tattoos, I'm hip, and if I draw on myself with markers, I'm crazy ?

..who's makin' these rules anyway ?

[FtlIsAwesome]

Not a joke but a question

Why is it, that if I get tattoos, I'm hip, and if I draw on myself with markers, I'm crazy ?

..who's makin' these rules anyway ?
Markers will wear off.

:tongue2: :tongue2:

[Isaacsname]

A down-on-his-luck piano player spots a " Jazz bar piano player wanted " sign in the window of a bar one day.

He walks in, go's over to the bar and says

" I can play, but I don't do covers, are you interested..? "

The bartender looks up, " ..Ok,..go ahead and play me a quick tune, I'll have a listen . "

The piano player hops up on stage and deftly renders an incredible original composition.

The bartender is almost stunned to tears...." What do you call that song.. it was beautiful .."

The Man replies "..Well, to be honest, I name my songs after things that happen to me, so I call that one " My ex-wife took everything I had, and now I'm sleeping in my car underneath the bridge. "

The bartender is like :eek:

...but asks for another demonstration of the man's abilities.

Once again the pianoman weaves a musical tapestry versed with the spirit of all the jazz greats.

The bartender says " I'm a little reluctant to ask,....but what do you call that one ..? "

He replies " Hey, look what I just stepped in ! "

The bartender is a little concerned with the song names, but tells the man to come back at 6 and give it a go.


Around 8 the man takes a bathroom break, when he comes out of the bathroom, the next man in line who'd been waiting to use the john says

" Hey man, do you know your fly's open ? "

The piano players looks at the man

.." pppfttt....know it ? "

" I wrote it "

[FtlIsAwesome]

A photographist zombie?

" Frrrraaaaaaammmmmeeeesssssss "
I just realized that I got the exact 1000th post on this thread! :biggrin:

[mugaliens]

One camel says to the other, "I don't care what anyone says, I'm thirsty."

[mugaliens]

Did you hear about the stickup on the bridge?

No.

Who threw it up there?

[Isaacsname]

What do you get when you cross an elephant with an octopus ?

You get an elephant that eats a lot of peanuts.

[lisab]

What do you get when you cross an elephant with an octopus ?



|elephant||octopus|*sin θ

[Isaacsname]

|elephant||octopus|*sin θ

'hangs head'

...I'm a flop at maths, I wish I understood the humor in that, I bet it's funny.

:shy:

[Lancelot59]

|elephant||octopus|*sin θ

Lisa isn't that great either. That's a dot product. :tongue2:

[nismaratwork]

'hangs head'

...I'm a flop at maths, I wish I understood the humor in that, I bet it's funny.

:shy:

Imagine they're both lines, or curves... she just made them "cross" on her graph. :wink:

I think.

I'm better with the abstract math than actual calculations... oh that was fun in HS.

@mugaliens: You're going to hell, which I don't believe in, for making jokes that bad. :biggrin:

[lisab]

Lisa isn't that great either. That's a dot product. :tongue2:

...lol...

[mugaliens]

What do you get when you cross an elephant with an octopus ?

You get an elephant that eats a lot of peanuts.

I thought that went like, "What do you get when you cross a crocodile with an abalone?" A crocabolone.

[mugaliens]

Lisa isn't that great either. That's a dot product. :tongue2:

I'll take her dot product to half else.

[nismaratwork]

I thought that went like, "What do you get when you cross a crocodile with an abalone?" A crocabolone.

Heh, how have I not heard that one before?!

[Lancelot59]

I'll take her dot product to half else.

What?

[Isaacsname]

Imagine they're both lines, or curves... she just made them "cross" on her graph. :wink:

I think.

I'm better with the abstract math than actual calculations... oh that was fun in HS.

@mugaliens: You're going to hell, which I don't believe in, for making jokes that bad. :biggrin:

Ok, I think I understand that :tongue2:

I have too much catching up to do in maths.

[nismaratwork]

Ok, I think I understand that :tongue2:

I have too much catching up to do in maths.

Me too it seems! :rofl:

[jtbell]

I just realized that I got the exact 1000th post on this thread! :biggrin:

Either you need new glasses or you're posting in an alternate PF. I see #1018 on that post.

[Ivan Seeking]

Ok, I think I understand that :tongue2:

I have too much catching up to do in maths.

See "cross product" and "vector calculus". The joke was a play on the language used when taking the cross product of two vectors [or in this case, calculating the magnitude of that value].

I remember asking about cross products before taking calculus, and no one would give me a straight answer. :biggrin:

[nismaratwork]

Either you need new glasses or you're posting in an alternate PF. I see #1018 on that post.

He's a fan of the MWI.

[Dembadon]

Either you need new glasses or you're posting in an alternate PF. I see #1018 on that post.

I think he means this (http://www.physicsforums.com/showpost.php?p=3172835&postcount=1000) post.

[nismaratwork]

I think he means this (http://www.physicsforums.com/showpost.php?p=3172835&postcount=1000) post.

Wow...

@jtbell: Sleeep.... sleeeeeeeeeeep.


@Ivan: I feel like an idiot, and probably should. I just saw, "sin" and... assumed. Back to the PF library for me!

[mugaliens]

Key input, folks: If you don't get it, it's not a joke, but only not to you. It's probably still funny to many others who do get it. There's a word, at the tip of my mind, which simply means, "I may not get it, but they do, and I respect the fact that they get a joke and I have enough composure to respect that."

Sadly, that "word" remains as elusive as the gold in that mystic land of S. America.

[Ivan Seeking]

Wow...

@jtbell: Sleeep.... sleeeeeeeeeeep.


@Ivan: I feel like an idiot, and probably should. I just saw, "sin" and... assumed. Back to the PF library for me!

Oh, heh, I thought you were just joking around. :biggrin: Yeah, that was a specific reference to cross products.

[mugaliens]

As for "lame" jokes, the Dick Van Dyke Show is available on Hulu. I've been busting a gut for the last week. Several hundred episodes available, so it'll take months, if not years. :)

Just... Do it. Re-discover the roots of American humor.

[nismaratwork]

Oh, heh, I thought you were just joking around. :biggrin: Yeah, that was a specific reference to cross products.

I wish, but no... I'm learning math later in life... it seems easier now than it did when I was younger... makes no sense, but there it is.

@mugs: Preference? Taste? Restraint? Pornography? Leaf? Weasel? Lattice?


:wink:

[Ivan Seeking]

I wish, but no... I'm learning math later in life... it seems easier now than it did when I was younger... makes no sense, but there it is.

In the end it is a 3x3 matrix multiplication.

[Isaacsname]

See "cross product" and "vector calculus". The joke was a play on the language used when taking the cross product of two vectors [or in this case, calculating the magnitude of that value].

I remember asking about cross products before taking calculus, and no one would give me a straight answer. :biggrin:

Ahhh,..straight brackets signify magnitude of objects ?

[Lancelot59]

Ahhh,..straight brackets signify magnitude of objects ?
The proper notation is actually this:
||vector||
It's also referred to as the norm of the vector. The single lines just mean absolute value, or determinant if your variable is a matrix.

However
||vector1||*||vector2||*sin(angle)
is what's called the dot product of two vectors.

[Ivan Seeking]

dot product of two vectors.

The magnitude of the cross product of two vectors...

[Lancelot59]

The magnitude of the cross product of two vectors...

...How?

(1,2,3) dot (4,5,6) is 32

(1,2,3) cross (4,5,6) is (-3,6,-3), the norm of which is root(54).

[FtlIsAwesome]

If a bag of Cheetos says March 08, turn it upside-down and it'll be good until 2080.

[FtlIsAwesome]

A Discussion On An Internet Forum, By FtlIsAwesome



Userdude701b Ok moron, gravity works like this...

Mentor4 Userdude701b, such behavior is not acceptable

forumguy5 See this link. Does that help moron?

member99 seems like moron hasnt posted in a while i wonder where moron went

Mentor4 What is with you people?

forumguy5 He's moron.

Mentor4 That's it--

moron its ok thats my username

[FtlIsAwesome]

I just had to steal this from someone's signature on another forum site!



Beware of quotes on the Internet. They may be inaccurate. - Thomas Jefferson

[Isaacsname]

"Mmmmmmphhhhhmmmmm.?!..mppphhhmmmm.!!..mmmbbpphhmmm mmmbbbpppphmmmmmmm...............mmmmppphhhhmmm... !! "


~ Some guy with tape over his mouth

[FtlIsAwesome]

"Mmmmmmphhhhhmmmmm.?!..mppphhhmmmm.!!..mmmbbpphhmmm mmmbbbpppphmmmmmmm...............mmmmppphhhhmmm... !! "


~ Some guy with tape over his mouth
How do you know its a guy?

[Isaacsname]

How do you know its a guy?

Better be, that's what I paid for this time..:eek:

[FtlIsAwesome]

Better be, that's what I paid for this time..:eek:
Well then, why'd you pay for a guy?

And what'd you do if it wasn't?

[Jimmy Snyder]

...How?

(1,2,3) dot (4,5,6) is 32

(1,2,3) cross (4,5,6) is (-3,6,-3), the norm of which is root(54).
A \cdot B = |A||B| \cos \theta
|A \times B| = |A||B| \sin \theta
Consider unit vectors i and j. The angle theta between them is 90 degrees, so cos theta is 0 and sin theta is 1.

[BobG]

A lame joke thread is incomplete without Florence Jenkins and McGonagall . Bad poetry and mangled opera go hand in hand with lame jokes.

For your viewing pleasure

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qtf2Q4yyuJ0



I'm kind of impressed by Cosme McMoon's piano playing. It had to be hard to stay in synch with the interesting tempo of Jenkins' singing style. Too bad there's no recordings of her after her car wreck. As a result of the wreck, she was able to hit a higher 'F' note than she'd ever hit before (instead of suing the taxicab driver, she bought him a box of expensive cigars). Jenkins was a rather fascinating woman who sold out Carnegie Hall at the age of 76.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xCa0Jn5W1ew
xCa0Jn5W1ew

[Isaacsname]

Well then, why'd you pay for a guy?

And what'd you do if it wasn't?

Tastes better with fava beans and cheap Chianti.

I'd demand a refund, what else..?

[Isaacsname]

I'm kind of impressed by Cosme McMoon's piano playing. It had to be hard to stay in synch with the interesting tempo of Jenkins' singing style. Too bad there's no recordings of her after her car wreck. As a result of the wreck, she was able to hit a higher 'F' note than she'd ever hit before (instead of suing the taxicab driver, she bought him a box of expensive cigars). Jenkins was a rather fascinating woman who sold out Carnegie Hall at the age of 76.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xCa0Jn5W1ew
xCa0Jn5W1ew

There's something about that women that is growing on me,...similar to a fungal infection.

I put a small speaker next to my birdfeeder, just out of curiousity about some things, ...the looks the birds have when I play them Mrs. Jenkins is pretty funny.

Just like people, they cock their heads and their eyes bug out .

" What....the....hell....is....that...? "

[BobG]

There's something about that women that is growing on me,...similar to a fungal infection.

I put a small speaker next to my birdfeeder, just out of curiousity about some things, ...the looks the birds have when I play them Mrs. Jenkins is pretty funny.

Just like people, they cock their heads and their eyes bug out .

" What....the....hell....is....that...? "

This is how it should sound. (There's just something about men in tuxedos laughing that gets to me.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V28UvMf-Vpw
V28UvMf-Vpw

[Isaacsname]

This is how it should sound. (There's just something about men in tuxedos laughing that gets to me.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V28UvMf-Vpw
V28UvMf-Vpw

Aaawww man, that was beautiful...........that's a sure sign that I know I'm getting old.

....I like opera....:eek:

[Lancelot59]

A \cdot B = |A||B| \cos \theta
|A \times B| = |A||B| \sin \theta
Consider unit vectors i and j. The angle theta between them is 90 degrees, so cos theta is 0 and sin theta is 1.

Right...okay.

[BobG]

Aaawww man, that was beautiful...........that's a sure sign that I know I'm getting old.

....I like opera....:eek:

You would like the opera this song is from. It's from "Die Fledermaus" and, fittingly for this thread, it's about a lame joke that takes some twists the orignator never would have imagined.

The song occurs at a critical moment. Similar to the prisoners and three hats brainteaser, or perhaps more fittingly, the missionary and the adulterous natives brainteaser, people start to realize the situation they're in and become very eager to laugh along with Adele at the accusation that prompted the song.

[Isaacsname]

You would like the opera this song is from. It's from "Die Fledermaus" and, fittingly for this thread, it's about a lame joke that takes some twists the orignator never would have imagined.

The song occurs at a critical moment. Similar to the prisoners and three hats brainteaser, or perhaps more fittingly, the missionary and the adulterous natives brainteaser, people start to realize the situation they're in and become very eager to laugh along with Adele at the accusation that prompted the song.

Very nice, I had to go check out some more, I like this one....and there's a ..bald woman...@ 2:49 :eek:

Die Fledermaus - "Klange der Heimat"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PPFNCROfRJk

Have you ever listened to the Portsmouth Sinfonia ? It's classical compositions played by classical musicians....on instruments they've never played...conducted by Brian Eno..perfect for this thread.

Also sprach Zarathustra

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hpJ6anurfuw&feature=related

[FtlIsAwesome]

"Mmmmmmphhhhhmmmmm.?!..mppphhhmmmm.!!..mmmbbpphhmmm mmmbbbpppphmmmmmmm...............mmmmppphhhhmmm... !! "


~ Some guy with tape over his mouth
Actually, I think that's DevilsAvocado with tape over his mouth.

[nismaratwork]

In the end it is a 3x3 matrix multiplication.

OK, matrices I can do!

[DevilsAvocado]

I put a small speaker next to my birdfeeder, just out of curiousity about some things, ...the looks the birds have when I play them Mrs. Jenkins is pretty funny.

STOP ANIMAL ABUSE!! :grumpy::mad::grumpy:

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_oTkzJWoSBzQ/ScIUow0U8UI/AAAAAAAAAXg/j-CxNMoLx94/s320/dog-clothing.jpg

[nismaratwork]

STOP ANIMAL ABUSE!! :grumpy::mad::grumpy:

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_oTkzJWoSBzQ/ScIUow0U8UI/AAAAAAAAAXg/j-CxNMoLx94/s320/dog-clothing.jpg

I support that dog's right to maul its owners. :biggrin:

[DevilsAvocado]

:biggrin::biggrin::biggrin:

[DevilsAvocado]

Actually, I think that's DevilsAvocado with tape over his mouth.

http://planetsmilies.net/angry-smiley-1430.gifhttp://planetsmilies.net/angry-smiley-7931.gifhttp://planetsmilies.net/angry-smiley-8021.gifhttp://planetsmilies.net/angry-smiley-7931.gifhttp://planetsmilies.net/angry-smiley-1430.gif

http://www.physicsforums.com/Prime/buttons/report.gif

[nismaratwork]

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http://www.physicsforums.com/Prime/buttons/report.gif

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[DevilsAvocado]

...this is getting überlame...

http://planetsmilies.net/happy-smiley-8490.gif

[nismaratwork]

...this is getting überlame...

http://planetsmilies.net/happy-smiley-8490.gif

You started it, in every way possible! You brought these wicked emoticons to paradise! :biggrin:


"And so is the Golden City blackened
With each step you take in my Hall.
Marvel at perfection, for it is fleeting.
You have brought Sin to Heaven
And doom upon all the world."
-- Canticle of Threnodies 8:13

[DevilsAvocado]

You started it, in every way possible! You brought these wicked emoticons to paradise! :biggrin:

"And so is the Golden City blackened
With each step you take in my Hall.
Marvel at perfection, for it is fleeting.
You have brought Sin to Heaven
AND DOOM UPON ALL THE WORLD."
-- Canticle of Threnodies 8:13

http://planetsmilies.net/angry-smiley-283.gifnenenenervous breakdown

[FtlIsAwesome]

Actually, I think that's DevilsAvocado with tape over his mouth.http://planetsmilies.net/angry-smiley-1430.gifhttp://planetsmilies.net/angry-smiley-7931.gifhttp://planetsmilies.net/angry-smiley-8021.gifhttp://planetsmilies.net/angry-smiley-7931.gifhttp://planetsmilies.net/angry-smiley-1430.gif

http://www.physicsforums.com/Prime/buttons/report.gif
I elicit interesting responses from people, don't I?

[DevilsAvocado]

I elicit interesting responses from people, don't I?

wow "interesting"... thanks man... :shy: ...I thought it was just simple lame overkill... :rolleyes:

[DevilsAvocado]

Bad poetry and mangled opera go hand in hand with lame jokes.

yup + unforgettable covers

SU9nqD2YKX0

[DevilsAvocado]

Bad poetry and mangled opera go hand in hand with lame jokes.

yup.

The dead swans lay in the stagnant pool.
They lay. They rotted. They turned
Around occasionally.
Bits of flesh dropped off them from
Time to time.
And sank into the pool's mire.
They also smelt a great deal.

[Isaacsname]

yup + unforgettable covers

SU9nqD2YKX0

...oh...noe.....anything but that...I beg you....

[Isaacsname]

:cool:...actually kind of catchy..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tTrkGyq3Ym0&feature=related

[DevilsAvocado]

...oh...noe.....anything but that...I beg you....

http://planetsmilies.net/happy-smiley-8490.gifhttp://planetsmilies.net/happy-smiley-8803.gifhttp://planetsmilies.net/happy-smiley-8490.gif

[DevilsAvocado]

:cool:...actually kind of catchy..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tTrkGyq3Ym0&feature=related

Yeah! But THIS is a real hit!!

x_MSi0MhM_c

:rofl:

[nismaratwork]

...oh...noe.....anything but that...I beg you....

Heeey... I feel your pain man!


Have some of this instead:

5hARDXYz2io

http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies/evil/evilgrin0025.gifhttp://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies/evil/evilgrin0025.gifhttp://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies/evil/evilgrin0025.gif

[gatztopher]

What do you call a man's lower leg? A mansion. - courtesy my brother circa 10 years old

I'm still trying to figure out what you call a boar's lower leg...

[Andre]

http://www.marcofolio.net/images/stories/fun/imagedump/demotivational_posters/simplicity.jpg

source (http://www.marcofolio.net/imagedump/top_40_demotivational_posters.html)

[Isaacsname]

What do you call a man's lower leg? A mansion. - courtesy my brother circa 10 years old

I'm still trying to figure out what you call a boar's lower leg...

I believe the word you're looking for is " Tasty "

[Isaacsname]

A midget goes in to his general practitioner for a physical and yearly checkup.

The doctor seems angry about something, slightly frustrated, hurrying through the exam without the usual good cheer and banter, huffing and puffing his way through things.

They get to the hernia exam, the midget has to stop the good doctor as he seems to be getting a little rough.

" Doc, ..are you ok, you seem to be a little upset about something ? "

" It's ok, this will be over soon, I'm just feeling a little teste.. "

[nismaratwork]

I believe the word you're looking for is " Tasty "

"Ham-hock"

[Isaacsname]

"Ham-hock"

My friend,.....there's no need for insults.

[nismaratwork]

My friend,.....there's no need for insults.

I think you're kidding, but I don't get it. :frown:

[Isaacsname]

I think you're kidding, but I don't get it. :frown:

I am. I was making reference to a Groucho Marx movie, at least I think it was Groucho..

I'm such a ham sometimes.

[FtlIsAwesome]

wow "interesting"... thanks man... :shy: ...I thought it was just simple lame overkill... :rolleyes:

Overkill? I'll show you overkill.






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http://planetsmilies.net/violent-smiley-1568.gif



http://www.physicsforums.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=32875&stc=1&d=1299562776

[Logger]

New York police department are called to a fire downtown.When they get to the scene they see a Irish bar on fire and with flames gushing out the windows.They manage to kick the door down and see through the smoke filled room a old Irish drunk drinking a Guiness against the bar.The fight their way through and finally reach him.They ask him how the fire started and he replied that he didn't know how, as the place was on fire when he got there.

[nismaratwork]

I am. I was making reference to a Groucho Marx movie, at least I think it was Groucho..

I'm such a ham sometimes.

Ahhhhh... thank you!

@Fit: Whoa...

[DevilsAvocado]

Overkill? I'll show you overkill.

The only appropriate thing to say after being übernuked ... lol ... let’s celebrate this with cake!

http://gallery.inferia.se/images/cake/nuked_cake.jpg

[nismaratwork]

That is some sloppy work with fondant... funny though!

[nismaratwork]

Courtesy of Theoatmeal:

"What is a shark's favorite illegal substance?"
A: Reefer.

[Isaacsname]

If you throw a mime off of a cliff, will it scream on the way down ?

[nismaratwork]

If you throw a mime off of a cliff, will it scream on the way down ?

It will if you kick it in the groin and set it on fire first... I guarantee it! :biggrin:

[Isaacsname]

It will if you kick it in the groin and set it on fire first... I guarantee it! :biggrin:

:bugeye:Remind me to stay on your good side.

[nismaratwork]

:bugeye:Remind me to stay on your good side.

It's generally advisable, but mostly I'm just overly colorful in my writing. :smile:

Oh, and I was forced to watch a HORRIBLE mime for 1.5 hours when I was 6 years old... I think I'd have preferred a good solid molestation or beating!

[ThomasT]

Oh, and I was forced to watch a HORRIBLE mime for 1.5 hours when I was 6 years old... I think I'd have preferred a good solid molestation or beating!Is that mimested or mimestated?

[Isaacsname]

It's generally advisable, but mostly I'm just overly colorful in my writing. :smile:

Oh, and I was forced to watch a HORRIBLE mime for 1.5 hours when I was 6 years old... I think I'd have preferred a good solid molestation or beating!

You got off light, I was forced into it by my parents for a summer.

Let me tell you this :

It takes a twisted mentality and a derranged logic, as well as a deep-rooted affinity for generally freaking people out and completely alienating yourself from society from mere feet away.

'thimks to self'

" ....maybe that's why I was so good at it.."

:cry:

[nismaratwork]

You got off light, I was forced into it by my parents for a summer.

Let me tell you this :

It takes a twisted mentality and a derranged logic, as well as a deep-rooted affinity for generally freaking people out and completely alienating yourself from society from mere feet away.

'thimks to self'

" ....maybe that's why I was so good at it.."

:cry:

Shhhh shhshshsh... its OK... let it out... let it all out.

@ThomasT: Moleimed and Mimested... and oh yes, "MIME-RAPE"... they can do it from across a room!

[nismaratwork]

Heh... I'm suddenly reminded of Bloom County... Opus beats a mime to death with an Olive Loaf.

[FtlIsAwesome]

@Fit: Whoa...
:biggrin: I win. :biggrin:
The only appropriate thing to say after being übernuked ... lol ... let’s celebrate this with cake!

http://gallery.inferia.se/images/cake/nuked_cake.jpg
I wonder what uranium tastes like.

[nismaratwork]

:biggrin: I win. :biggrin:

I wonder what uranium tastes like.

Actinic. :rofl:

[FtlIsAwesome]

Just make sure the uranium doesn't undergo fission while in your digestive system.

:eek::bugeye::eek:

http://planetsmilies.net/aim-smiley-6361.gif

[FtlIsAwesome]

Courtesy of Theoatmeal:

"What is a shark's favorite illegal substance?"
A: Reefer.
I'm a n00b. You'll have to explain it to me.

[nismaratwork]

I'm a n00b. You'll have to explain it to me.

"reefer" is slang for cannabis, marijuana, weed, herb, Mary Jane, etc...

... but it's a fairly old term, a la 'Reefer Madness'.

Specifically it referred to a particular kind of marijuana cigarette.

Reefs are also formations in water where sharks often hunt... so... yeah.

Lame joke, as advertized...BAH ZING!

[gatztopher]

|<dorky scientist|on a hot date>|^2 = 0

[nismaratwork]

Just make sure the uranium doesn't undergo fission while in your digestive system.

:eek::bugeye::eek:

http://planetsmilies.net/aim-smiley-6361.gif

I like to eat two huge loads of uranium, neither of which is critical, but together they're supercritical... then I just hope I don't get constipation. It's even more fun with Plutonium! :wink:

[Isaacsname]

Who wants Kliban..?

You do..

http://www.blackjelly.com/Mag/gallery/klibanhome.htm

[nismaratwork]

Who wants Kliban..?

You do..

http://www.blackjelly.com/Mag/gallery/klibanhome.htm

"...were dealt with quickly and cruelly by time..."


I like this! Gary Larson and Kliban... two thumbs up

[DevilsAvocado]

I wonder what uranium tastes like.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_LhTuR5cNfi0/ScXJ1avxp5I/AAAAAAAABnc/jMw7weLhImQ/s400/boner.jpg

[DevilsAvocado]

This guy will be a happy microwave engineer, alternatively happy sound engineer:

kGA7MEPfO-4

[Isaacsname]

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_LhTuR5cNfi0/ScXJ1avxp5I/AAAAAAAABnc/jMw7weLhImQ/s400/boner.jpg

http://www.furrytalk.com/wp-content/uploads/10-funny-cat-pictures/6.jpg

[DevilsAvocado]

:biggrin:

[nismaratwork]

You guys are funny, but you're freaks. :rofl:

I hope that guy didn't sneeze after the picture was taken.
:bugeye:

[DevilsAvocado]

You guys are funny, but you're freaks. :rofl:

... eh omg I think you’re right ... I thought FtlIs was talking about URINEIUM ... :yuck::surprised:yuck:


(THAT must be one of the lamest things in this thread... pleazzze?)

:biggrin:

[nismaratwork]

... eh omg I think you’re right ... I thought FtlIs was talking about URINEIUM ... :yuck::surprised:yuck:


(THAT must be one of the lamest things in this thread... pleazzze?)

:biggrin:

Oh... that has to be up there, if not tops. :rofl:

http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies/sign/sign0020.gif

[gatztopher]

What do you call a man's lower leg? A mansion. - courtesy my brother circa 10 years old

I'm still trying to figure out what you call a boar's lower leg...

I believe the word you're looking for is " Tasty "

"Ham-hock"

"What's a ham-hock?" "It's a boar shin." "Oh... like eggs?"

[nismaratwork]

"What's a ham-hock?" "It's a boar shin." "Oh... like eggs?"

:rofl:

I realize that may offend some, but that is absolutely hilarious to me, and VERY clever! Is that a gatztopher original?!

[Markface]

You know when ABS first came out it was braking news.

Badumtish.

[Isaacsname]

http://www.mrmethane.com/

:surprised

[nismaratwork]

You know when ABS first came out it was braking news.

Badumtish.

Heh... for a second I thought, "Badumtish" was the joke... then I said it out loud and face-palmed, "Oh... a rim-shot!".

That is a very lame joke sir... congrats! :wink:


@Isaacsname: I can't tell, but that site looks like it's not a joke... is there really a performing flatulist?!

[Isaacsname]

Heh... for a second I thought, "Badumtish" was the joke... then I said it out loud and face-palmed, "Oh... a rim-shot!".

That is a very lame joke sir... congrats! :wink:


@Isaacsname: I can't tell, but that site looks like it's not a joke... is there really a performing flatulist?!

He's got multiple albums, and good taste in music to boot

Blue Danube Waltz

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uV8boXLV0ik

[nismaratwork]

He's got multiple albums, and good taste in music to boot

Blue Danube Waltz

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uV8boXLV0ik

Holy gas-cave fartman. :bugeye:

[FtlIsAwesome]

An iron worker walked into a bar. The bar snapped in two.

[Isaacsname]

It's artistic....I promise

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsEuEZLTZHI&feature=related

[Redfield123]

Jerry went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!" Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." How much do you charge?" A hundred dollars per visit." I'll sleep on it," said Jerry. Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. For a hundred bucks a visit? The bartender cured me for $10." "Is that so! How?" He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" Ain't nobody under there now!!!:biggrin:

[gatztopher]

@nismaratwork No... it's like three peoples' jokes mashed together. That's why threads like this are so good!

Say you have a set of mirrors that you only use after dark. What would you call the worst one?

Boba Fett, because he's your worst nightmirrrr

[Lancelot59]

@nismaratwork No... it's like three peoples' jokes mashed together. That's why threads like this are so good!

Say you have a set of mirrors that you only use after dark. What would you call the worst one?

Boba Fett, because he's your worst nightmirrrr

That was awful! Nice one.

Here's a favourite of mine:

Can you take a look under there?

[FtlIsAwesome]

Ok, I need your help on this one.

Pirate Monkeys vs. Ninja Monkeys. Who would win?

[Lancelot59]

Ok, I need your help on this one.

Pirate Monkeys vs. Ninja Monkeys. Who would win?

I respond to your query with another lame joke, it's applicable with one obvious difference. :biggrin:

http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/080703/butter-fight.gif

[Isaacsname]

Ok, I need your help on this one.

Pirate Monkeys vs. Ninja Monkeys. Who would win?

I'm gonna put 20$ on the monkeys.

When does it go down ?

[nismaratwork]

Ok, I need your help on this one.

Pirate Monkeys vs. Ninja Monkeys. Who would win?

Pirate monkeys have guns, but Ninja monkeys have stealth and poison on their side...

I'd go for Ninjas, by a whisker. :biggrin:

[nismaratwork]

I respond to your query with another lame joke, it's applicable with one obvious difference. :biggrin:

http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/080703/butter-fight.gif

Heh... this reminds me of an argument on an old forum. The debate was, "Kung Fu vs. Mixed Martial Arts"...

"MMA isn't suited for counterterrorism, animal attacks, and futuristic underwater combat. Ya got me there. Next time I'm getting attacked by a bear in the Atlantic Ocean with a bomb strapped to his chest, I'll be sure to use my Kung Fu instead of MMA." (I forget the username)

[FtlIsAwesome]

Here at PF we want PfD's instead of PhD's.

>ubergroan<

[Isaacsname]

Here at PF we want PfD's instead of PhD's.

>ubergroan<

What about the BS ?

[nismaratwork]

What about the BS ?

BA humbug. :wink:

[Borek]

From my page (http://www.chembuddy.com/?left=FAQ):

Registration key should have been attached to the order confirmation mail. Save it in the directory where the program is installed, most likely c:\Program Files\ChemBuddy\program name. Alternatively open registration key with Windows notepad, copy content to the clipboard, start the ChemBuddy program, select File/Register from the menu, paste registration key content into edit field and click OK.

This is a mail I received yesterday from a customer who bought the program few hours earlier:

I have highlighted the key data code including the four lines of code. I then right clicked and found copy but no option come up to where. Nothing about clip boards etc.

Help. I need to be able to use this program that I just purchased.

And my answer:

Customer wrote:

xx> I have highlighted the key data code including the four lines
xx> of code. I then right clicked and found copy but no option come
xx> up to where. Nothing about clip boards etc.

You are on the right track. Copy means "copy to clipboard", see for
example

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cut,_copy,_and_paste#Cut_and_paste

and

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clipboard_(software)

Kind regards,

And - in a way - answer to the answer I just got from the eCommerce provider (Plimus) that sells my software:

Dear Plimus Vendor,

A new dispute has been opened by your customer for order xxx, with the reason: "Licensing issue".

Please see the dispute correspondence below:
CUSTOMER : Licensing issue - I want a refund. I could not register the program using the code key and. what Customer Support was worthless. Note that I have removed this program from my computer. What limited access that was available without registration will not serve to meet my needs.
Very poor prodcut design. I will be contacting xxx to make sure that I have either received a refund from Plimus or challenge the charge.

Have a good day,

Is it lame enough?

[Borg]

Makes you wonder what he was going to do with the software if he couldn't figure out Copy and Paste. :tongue:

[DevilsAvocado]

Is it lame enough?

Muuhaha!!! :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin:

What a mor*n!!!!!!!!!!!! http://planetsmilies.net/shocked-smiley-9449.gif

I could not register the program using the code key and.

Well, that’s the actual 'bug', Sir...


I once had customer who spend a lot of money on samplers and MIDI software. A that time all stuff was delivered on 3.5'' floppy disks. Next day the customer came back, green is his face, and shaking groaned – I’ve been up all night and ... I CAN’T INSTALL THIS THING!! :grumpy:

He thought that the metal shutter was a "lid" that had to be "opened" before use... therefore he had (by force) tried to remove the whole thing... without succeeding completely... and THEREFORE he could NOT put the disk in the drive!!
http://planetsmilies.net/not-tagged-smiley-10171.gif

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/7/78/Floppy_disc.jpg/500px-Floppy_disc.jpg

From my page (http://www.chembuddy.com/?left=FAQ):

I think I know why your customer wants a refund... that crucial FAQ gives Error 404!! :surprised (:smile:)


"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." -- Rick Cook, The Wizardry Compiled

[FtlIsAwesome]

The møøse snëëïzed ohn mee toïdai.


Yükk.

[Borek]

I think I know why your customer wants a refund... that crucial FAQ gives Error 404!! :surprised (:smile:)

vBulletin garbled the link, corrected.

[FtlIsAwesome]

Blonde: What's an "ick"?
Dude: That's "IQ".
Blonde: Oh, okay.


Dude: I have a lot of cash that's burning a hole in my pocket.
Blonde: Your money's on fire!?

[cobalt124]

Happy St Patricks Day!

Knock! Knock!
Who's There?
Irish Stew
Irish Stew Who?
Irish Stew in the name of the Law

And what can you say about Asteroid Stew? - Its "Meteorite".

[HeLiXe]

Blonde: What's an "ick"?
Dude: That's "IQ".
Blonde: Oh, okay.


lololz :D I don't normally like blonde jokes but the whole ick thing is funny :D

[HeLiXe]

Happy St Patricks Day!

Knock! Knock!
Who's There?
Irish Stew
Irish Stew Who?
Irish Stew in the name of the Law

And what can you say about Asteroid Stew? - Its "Meteorite".

I don't get it >_<

[Lancelot59]

I don't get it >_<

The stew is "meaty o right".

[cobalt124]

Yes two jokes "I arrest you in the name of the law" and "meaty alright".

[HeLiXe]

The stew is "meaty o right".

Yes two jokes "I arrest you in the name of the law" and "meaty alright".
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh *feels slow*
I would have never gotten the Irish stew one! lol

[Borg]

I'm a day late on this one.

What's Irish and sits outside?

Pattie 'O Furniture :tongue:

[HeLiXe]

I'm a day late on this one.

What's Irish and sits outside?

Pattie 'O Furniture :tongue:

:rofl: OMG I hope I didn't wake anyone lololol

[Lancelot59]

I'm a day late on this one.

What's Irish and sits outside?

Pattie 'O Furniture :tongue:
Ha! Nice one.

Wanna hear a corny joke? A person eats corn.

Wanna hear a chauvinist corny joke? A man eats corn.:biggrin:

[nismaratwork]

I'm a day late on this one.

What's Irish and sits outside?

Pattie 'O Furniture :tongue:

Ahhh... I know him, very good friends with the couple Patrick Fitzmichael and Michael Fitzpatrick!

[Jimmy Snyder]

Ahhh... I know him, very good friends with the couple Patrick Fitzmichael and Michael Fitzpatrick!
They keep their money at the Redbank branch of the Longbranch Bank.

[nismaratwork]

They keep their money at the Redbank branch of the Longbranch Bank.

:rofl:

Good one!

[FtlIsAwesome]

If you want to laugh, read this post.

[HeLiXe]

Ahhh... I know him, very good friends with the couple Patrick Fitzmichael and Michael Fitzpatrick!
:rofl:

[Lancelot59]

Today's Cyanide and Happiness comic:

http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Kris/kitchen.png

It's Aw Man!!!

[FtlIsAwesome]

PETA
People Eatin' Tasty Animals

[cobalt124]

Lame self help books:

How to Cope with Insomnia - by Eliza Wake

Suffering and Overcoming Obesity - by N. E. More

[FtlIsAwesome]

I used to drive a Heisenberg, but whenever I looked at the speedometer I got lost.

[FtlIsAwesome]

Mom: Eat your vegetables.

Me: Cheese is a vegetable.

[FtlIsAwesome]

What do you call a car that sneezes?


A snotrod.

[HeLiXe]

What do you call a car that sneezes?


A snotrod.:rofl: *snorts*

[HeLiXe]

PETA
People Eatin' Tasty Animals

OMGGGGGGGGGGGG:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[Lancelot59]

PETA
People Eatin' Tasty Animals
HA! Nice one
What do you call a car that sneezes?


A snotrod.

:rofl: *snorts*
Hmm...this gives me an idea.

What do you call a car that runs on lightning?
A lightning-rod.

What do you call a car that got stretched out?
A long-rod.

What do you call a car that took viagra?

A hard-rod...:uhh:

[nismaratwork]

...And what do you call a car during atmospheric reentry? Hot-Rod.

[Jimmy Snyder]

Use your best Edward G. Robinson impression when you tell this one, assuming you tell lame jokes.
See this rod? Yeah. It means curtains for you. Yeah. It's a curtain rod.

[FtlIsAwesome]

...And what do you call a car during atmospheric reentry? Hot-Rod.
I want one of those. Vroom-vroom!
See this rod? Yeah. It means curtains for you. Yeah. It's a curtain rod.
ah!
:D

[FtlIsAwesome]

Al-Gebra: The latest in terror?


Latest news: Al-Gebra has an uncountable number of radicals.

[DaveC426913]

Al-Gebra: The latest in terror?


Latest news: Al-Gebra has an uncountable number of radicals.
That's kind of clever.

[FtlIsAwesome]

I can't take credit for it, its somewhere in PF chat.


It sounds like a signature.

[DaveC426913]

I can't take credit for it, its somewhere in PF chat.


It was just posted here:

http://physicsforums.com/showthread.php?t=482846

[FtlIsAwesome]

Yep, but it doesn't include the second line, which is also from chat.

[nismaratwork]

What did the otter say to the duck?


Nothing you dope, it's an otter and a duck.

[FtlIsAwesome]

We need hippos to camp with us.

Otherwise we'll start losing our memory.

[nismaratwork]

We need hippos to camp with us.

Otherwise we'll start losing our memory.

Ugggghhhhhh.... You win the thread.

[DaveC426913]

nis: this is a G-rated board.

I've asked for your post to be cleaned up.

[FtlIsAwesome]

A guy was driving on the interstate and got into a wreck.

He wasn't in a good situation.

His body was arranged in all the wrong ways, his feet were where his nose was supposed to be and his ears were where his arms were supposed to be...

The medics came, and the guy was mad. As they got him out he started swearing at them.

A passerby came up and said, "Well now, don't get all bent out of shape!"

[nismaratwork]

nis: this is a G-rated board.

I've asked for your post to be cleaned up.

I apologize, I didn't realize that it was so... racey. I had assumed that to get that end of the joke, you'd require knowledge of the "issues" to begin with... you know, like the obscene frames in Disney movies.

[FtlIsAwesome]

PF



Powerfully Factual

Potentially Fatal

Parrot Freedom

Place of Friends

[All] Purpose Flour

Prefered [Reference] Frame

Petroleum Flame

[Lancelot59]

PF



Powerfully Factual

Potentially Fatal

Parrot Freedom

Place of Friends

[All] Purpose Flour

Prefered [Reference] Frame

Petroleum Flame

Perfect Fart
Prolific Flatulance!
Possibly Funny?

[FtlIsAwesome]

Do you people use spelchequers? Eye dew.

[FtlIsAwesome]

Possibly Funny?
Problematically Funny
Potentially Funny
Painfully Funny
Powerfully Funny
Pressured to be Funny


I think I'm repeating myself here... :rolleyes:

[FtlIsAwesome]

Power Flower! :rolleyes:
Poker Face





Pilot: Hey, we're out of gas. You said we had gas!
Captain: And I did. But I'm feeling much better now.
Pilot: I meant rocket fuel!





Guy 1: [holding up check] Look at all those zero's!
Guy 2: We're rich!
Guy 1: It's in the millions!
Guy 2: Tens of millions!
Guy 1: We're super uber rich!
[the check says $00,000,000]

[FtlIsAwesome]

Exercise? Yeah, I do that.

I do one push-up a day.
I get up in the morning that's one half.
I lay down at night that's the other half.

[nismaratwork]

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Nismar
Oh.
Can I come in?
Yeah, one sec, I just have to undo the latch.
Hey buddy!
Hey man!

[cobalt124]

My wifes gone to the Carribean.
Jamaica?
No, she went of her own accord.

[FtlIsAwesome]

A construction zombie?

" Crrrraaaaannnneeeeessss "

[nismaratwork]

My wifes gone to the Carribean.
Jamaica?
No, she went of her own accord.

Ooooohhh... STINKER.

@Fit: Heh.


"A cat for a hat, a hat for a cat, but nothing for nothing."

Who the hell is trading cats for hats, and visa versa? I think forced rhymes are a bad joke, but I do love that saying...

edit:

An Architect Zombie:

Frrrraaaaammmmmeeeesssss

IRS Zombie:

Capital GGGAAAAAIIIIIINNNNSSSS

[FtlIsAwesome]

I think forced rhymes are a bad joke
Good types of jokes,
Bad types of jokes,
They all belong in lame jokes.


An Architect Zombie:

Frrrraaaaammmmmeeeesssss

IRS Zombie:

Capital GGGAAAAAIIIIIINNNNSSSS
Basically, we've been recycling the same ones:
A physicist zombie studying Relativity?

"Frrrraaaaammmeesssss"
A photographist zombie?

" Frrrraaaaaaammmmmeeeesssssss "
The above is the 1000th post. :biggrin:
Zombie Origami artist?

"Crrrrraaaaannnneeesss"
Or a constuction zombie.
A capitalist zombie?

" Gaaaaaaaaiiiiinnnnnnnnnnsssss "
This one is my favorite.

[nismaratwork]

Heh... yeah the subconscious "inspirations" do tend to be plagueristic... ah well.

Hamlet Zombie: Daaaaaaannnnnneeeeessss

[FtlIsAwesome]

Ok, I've been wondering about this for weeks.
Unfortunately, posting it will result in my death.



What would happen if someone called you Miss Mara T. Work?



*runrunrunrunruns*
http://planetsmilies.net/angry-smiley-8030.gif

[nismaratwork]

Ok, I've been wondering about this for weeks.
Unfortunately, posting it will result in my death.



What would happen if someone called you Miss Mara T. Work?



*runrunrunrunruns*
http://planetsmilies.net/angry-smiley-8030.gif

I'd be so confused, and probably mention a female bodybuilder (former) I know named Mara. Beyond that, I'd be... at a loss. :tongue:

[HeLiXe]

An Architect Zombie:

Frrrraaaaammmmmeeeesssss



:rofl: it never gets old lol

[FtlIsAwesome]

A superstar zombie?

" Faaaaaammmmmeeeee "

An ID checker zombie?

" Naaaaammmmmmeeee "

[HeLiXe]

An ID checker zombie?

" Naaaaammmmmmeeee "

:rofl: OMG now i know how Devil'savocado felt about the food thread lol

[nismaratwork]

:rofl: OMG now i know how Devil'savocado felt about the food thread lol

Hmmm... take some DA, place in blender, add freshly squeezed lime juice, cilantro, zest of lemon and lime, a bit of honey, and a pound of prussic acid. That's right about where I am with cooking that brand of Avocado... that, or fried. :devil:

Of course, that would require him showing his face here again, which may qualify as a lame joke in and of itself.


Zombie Carny Barker:

"Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmeeessss!"

Zombie Pimp:

"Where's my money ho?!?!?!"


...
....
.....
Hey, this is LAME jokes.

[HeLiXe]

Hmmm... take some DA, place in blender, add freshly squeezed lime juice, cilantro, zest of lemon and lime, a bit of honey, and a pound of prussic acid. That's right about where I am with cooking that brand of Avocado... that, or fried. :devil:

Hooooly @#%^ LOLOLOLOL

[nismaratwork]

Hooooly @#%^ LOLOLOLOL

You don't like guacamole a la citrus/cyanide?! The trick is to use a variety of corn chips...

[DaveC426913]

Use camphor in a sentence.

We went to camphor a week.

[cobalt124]

Use camphor in a sentence.

We went to camphor a week.

Use judicious in a sentence.

Now hands that judicious feel as soft as your face, with mild green Fairy Liquid.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mMmQsHgpjw&feature=related

[DaveC426913]

Use judicious in a sentence.

Now hands that judicious feel as soft as your face, with mild green Fairy Liquid.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mMmQsHgpjw&feature=related

:rofl: I was about to complain that I had no idea what you're talking about. Even the video didn't help - until the last ten seconds.

[HeLiXe]

You don't like guacamole a la citrus/cyanide?! The trick is to use a variety of corn chips...
lolol poor DA

[nismaratwork]

lolol poor DA

He'll live, but shame and publicly embarrassing yourself can take some time to cope with. :wink:

Camphor the burgers, stay for the pie.

[HeLiXe]

is that why he left? He better get over it and come back :biggrin: embarrassing myself is so much a part of my life I've lost my sense of shame....and some think that is a bad thing

[HeLiXe]

Use judicious in a sentence.

Now hands that judicious feel as soft as your face, with mild green Fairy Liquid.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mMmQsHgpjw&feature=related

:rofl:

[nismaratwork]

is that why he left? He better get over it and come back :biggrin: embarrassing myself is so much a part of my life I've lost my sense of shame....and some think that is a bad thing

Agreed, it's just a learning experience! You just have to be camphortable with yourself, and understand that mistaks and assumptions can bite you. Still, through judicous application of shame (and camphor) the lesson is learned, and we hope not repeated.


Camphor.

... mothballs.

Do moths have balls?

[HeLiXe]

You just have to be camphortable with yourself
:rofl:
Camphor.

... mothballs.

Do moths have balls?

OMG stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[jhae2.718]

Vector calculus joke; you should probably just move along:

Q: Why are theologians like Laplacians?

A: Because they're div grads!

[nismaratwork]

Vector calculus joke; you should probably just move along:

Q: Why are theologians like Laplacians?

A: Because they're div grads!


I had to google that, but it was worth it.

[jhae2.718]

"They picked an \varepsilon so small that \varepsilon^2 was negative..."

[nismaratwork]

Nambla gives Nabla a bad name.

[jhae2.718]

Nambla gives Nabla a bad name.

I wish I hadn't googled that.

It's del, I tell you!

[nismaratwork]

I wish I hadn't googled that.

It's del, I tell you!

Nabla... he harp... flux...

So FAR from NAMBLA which yeah, you really don't want to google. :yuck:

[IMP]

Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?

[FtlIsAwesome]

A zombie reading this thread?

" Laaaaaammmmeeeee "

[HeLiXe]

Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?
:rofl:

[IMP]

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.

Then, the still shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault today is my very first day driving a cab.

My last job, which I did for 25 years, was driving a hearse.

[Ivan92]

"A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said: "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want". Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked: "What is the matter ? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me ?"
The man said, "Look I'm a software engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool." "

" Three men — a mathematician, a biologist, and an engineer — are discussing their love lives. The mathematician starts off talking about how much he loves having a wife. She takes care of him. She always there for him. She's so constant, just everything he could want.
But the biologist disagrees. "What you really need is a mistress", he says. "My wife is boring, but my mistress always makes sure there's something new and exciting going on".
Those two argue back and forth for a little while until, finally, they ask the engineer to break the tie. Which is better, a wife, or a mistress ?
"I like having both", says the engineer. "That way, one of them always assumes I'm off spending time with the other one, and I can go into the office and get some work done". "

"Some engineers are trying to measure the height of a high pole. They try building a contraption by piling up unstable ladders, but after one of them gets hurt falling off of it, a technician comes, removes the pole, lays it on the ground and measures it. One of the engineers sneers at him: 'what an idiot, he didn't measure the height, he measured the length'..."

Source: http://www.gdargaud.net/Humor/Engineer.html

I love this site! Haha!

[HeLiXe]

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.

Then, the still shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault today is my very first day driving a cab.

My last job, which I did for 25 years, was driving a hearse.

:rofl::tongue:good one

[HeLiXe]

"A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said: "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want". Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked: "What is the matter ? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me ?"
The man said, "Look I'm a software engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

the mistress one was funny too lol

[Gad]

:rofl: cool talking frog :rofl:

[jtbell]

This is an oldie...

A Irishman walked into an employment agency in New York, and someone interviewed him to set up his file.

"Where did you live before coming to the States?"

"Belfast."

"Oh wow, I hear things are really tough over there right now."

"Oh, it's not too bad for most people."

"That's good to hear. What was your last job in Belfast?"

"Tail gunner on a bread truck."

[jhae2.718]

Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books

Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:
1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten
2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the raction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction. Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.



Great Engineering Quote

Engineers aren't boring people, we just get excited over boring things.
--Anon.


Blind Golfers

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude.

Priest: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow today, aren't they?

George: Oh yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight while saving our clubhouse last year, so we let them play here anytime free of charge.

SILENCE.

Priest: That's so sad, I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there is anything we can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?


3 Metal Spheres

The Board of Trustees of a nearby University, decides to test the Professors, to see if they really know their stuff. First they take a Math Prof. and put him in a room. Now, the room contains a table and three metal spheres about the size of softballs. They tell him to do whatever he want with the balls and the table in one hour. After an hour, he comes out and the Trustees look in and the balls are arranged in a triangle at the center of the table. Next, they give the same test to a Physics Prof. After an hour, they look in, and the balls are stacked one on top of the other in the center of the table. Finally, they give the test to an Engineering Prof. After an hour, they look in and one of the balls is broken, one is missing, and he's carrying the third out in his lunchbox.


http://www.inflection-point.com/jokes/98.htm

[FtlIsAwesome]

lol = lots of love


I'm sorry about how a motorcycle ran over your foot. lol.

[HeLiXe]

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
:rofl: These engineer jokes are WAAAY better than attorney jokes lol

[Ivan92]

"There are four engineers travelling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down. "Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer. "Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system." "I thought it might be an grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead." They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: "Well, what do you think?" "Ummm - perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?" "

Ha!

http://www.engineeringhumor.com/jokes.html

[HeLiXe]

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[AlephZero]

An engineer, a biologist and a mathematician are on holiday together. They are sitting in the main sqaure of a little town having a beer and looking at a strange building on the other side of the square which seems to be empty.

After a while two people go into the building. Then a few minutes later three people come out.

The engineer says "This is really bugging me. What could have possibly caused a 50% error in one of those measurements of the number of people?"

The biologist says "I think we have discovered a new species that reproduces very quickly".

The mathematician says "I don't understand why there is a problem. There are now minus one people inside the building. If somebody else goes in, it will be empty again."

[jhae2.718]

http://www.math.utah.edu/~cherk/mathjokes.html

[micromass]

A general working on the Manhattan project had great faith in Enrico Fermi's work, but it looked as if the other scientists' theory about splitting the atom and causing a chain reaction using uranium rather than thorium was gaining favor. The general, despondent, thought that he would give Fermi one last chance. He wrote up a requisition for one more shipment of thorium and passed it on to his clerk. Just as he did so, he began to smile rather than pout. His clerk asked, "Why the sudden change in mood, sir?" The general replied, "That's because I just realized that I approved Fermi's last thorium."

[HeLiXe]

The mathematician says "I don't understand why there is a problem. There are now minus one people inside the building. If somebody else goes in, it will be empty again."

:rofl:

[HeLiXe]

A general working on the Manhattan project had great faith in Enrico Fermi's work, but it looked as if the other scientists' theory about splitting the atom and causing a chain reaction using uranium rather than thorium was gaining favor. The general, despondent, thought that he would give Fermi one last chance. He wrote up a requisition for one more shipment of thorium and passed it on to his clerk. Just as he did so, he began to smile rather than pout. His clerk asked, "Why the sudden change in mood, sir?" The general replied, "That's because I just realized that I approved Fermi's last thorium."

lololz

[Lancelot59]

Like Chuck Norris jokes, only for Gauss:

http://spikedmath.com/comics/408-gauss-facts.png

This combines math and phallic jokes. Can't get much lamer:
http://spikedmath.com/comics/397-methods-of-numerical-integration.png
If it's inappropriate feel free to pull that image.

[micromass]

The margins of Gauss' books are never too small.

[Lancelot59]

Here's another one I found:
http://spikedmath.com/comics/367-woman-over-man.png

[Isaacsname]

A zombie reading this thread?

" Laaaaaammmmeeeee "

A zombie podiatrist ?

Feeeeeeeeeeeeet

:uhh:

[jhae2.718]

This one's for you, Micro:
http://www.math-shirts.com/cat-choice-h.png


http://spikedmath.com/comics/069-happy-halloween.png

[HeLiXe]

http://spikedmath.com/comics/069-happy-halloween.png

This one is cute lol

[Lancelot59]

This one is cute lol

Is that a tangent in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

[micromass]

This one's for you, Micro:
http://www.math-shirts.com/cat-choice-h.png


Hahahahahaha!! I'm going to put it on my next blog :tongue2:

[jhae2.718]

http://spikedmath.com/comics/176-presidential-debate.png

http://spikedmath.com/comics/198-please-think-of-the-kittens.png

http://spikedmath.com/comics/202-plotting-my-revenge-lq.png

[Amazon]

these are pretty funny. I kinda wish I had found this forum sooner

[FtlIsAwesome]

I kinda wish I had found this forum sooner
Me too.

Welcome to PF!

[micromass]

these are pretty funny. I kinda wish I had found this forum sooner

Amazon, you're new!! Let me properly initiate you:

*smacks Amazon with a giant trout*

[jhae2.718]

*smacks Amazon with a giant trout*

How do you choose the trout? :biggrin:

[Amazon]

Amazon, you're new!! Let me properly initiate you:

*smacks Amazon with a giant trout*

My brother actually did that to me in real life before :P

[rootX]

Amazon, you're new!! Let me properly initiate you:

*smacks Amazon with a giant trout*

How unkind of you, what if she wanted a salmon instead. :frown:.

[jhae2.718]

Perhaps the most polite objects in mathematics are deferential equations.

[HeLiXe]

Is that a tangent in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
:rofl: WTH is wrong with you Lance lol crazy

[Lancelot59]

:rofl: WTH is wrong with you Lance lol crazy

It's normal. :rolleyes:

Another spiked math comic:
http://spikedmath.com/comics/161-favorite-color.png
http://spikedmath.com/comics/004-wanna-multiply-with-me-lq.png

[HeLiXe]

It's normal. :rolleyes:

Another spiked math comic:
http://spikedmath.com/comics/161-favorite-color.png


-_- I've seriously done this before

[Lancelot59]

-_- I've seriously done this before

Who hasn't?

[FtlIsAwesome]

I was fired from my job at Tropicana because I couldn't concentrate.

[jtbell]

I thought of a marvelously lame joke while driving around this afternoon, but the margin of my brain was too small to contain it, so I forgot it before I could get home to post it.

[cobalt124]

What do you call a German barber?

Herr cut!

[FtlIsAwesome]

I'd like you all to check out the link below,

[jtbell]

I can't believe this joke isn't in the thread already...

A dairy cooperative contacted the local university's extension service asking for help on improving their milk production. The extension agent said, "Well, all our dairy experts are on vacation right now, but we can send you a theoretical physicist."

The cooperative decided that was better than nothing. So the physicist visited the cooperative and some of the members' farms and took notes, and then went off to consider the problem. In due course he arranged with the cooperative for a meeting to present his findings.

"To start off, we'll make some simplifying assumptions. First, let's assume a spherical cow of uniform density..."

http://dd-b.net/photography/gallery/Mike-Ford/ddb%2020060414%20020-025.jpg

http://dd-b.net/cgi-bin/picpage.pl/photography/gallery/Mike-Ford?pic=ddb%2020060414%20020-025;IPTC=yes

[jhae2.718]

Physics Course List

* Do you scoff at artists who put the colors in the wrong order when
painting a rainbow?
* Do you try to correct people who refer to the clouds above a
boiling pot as steam instead of water vapor?
* Have you ever wanted to know why it is that 'hot air rises' and
'cold air sinks', but the higher you go the colder the air gets?

If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, you are a
budding physicist (and you thought that only botanists were budding!).
We strongly recommend that you drop whatever else you are doing
(DROP/ADD forms are available at the Registrar's Office) and enroll as
a physics major. If you need any further convincing, just have a look
at all the wonderful courses we offer.

PHYS 100 Introduction to Physics
A required course for students in all subject areas which
require the ability to think (e.g. engineering, physics, math
...)
Topics Include: energy, momentum, heat, electricity, magnetism,
optics, gravity
Prerequisites: Grade 12 Math and Physics

PHYS 110 Non-Calculus Physics
The ideal course for students in non-scientific areas of
science (biology, geology, psychology and other such stuff). If
the only reason you would ever be dragged into a physics class
is that your degree requirements call for it - this is the
course for you.
Topics Include: user-friendly, watered-down versions of all the
good stuff covered in PHYS 100
Prerequisites: Grade 3 Math, ability to distinguish between
moving and parked cars

PHYS 123 Physics for Artsies
This is admittedly a blatent attempt to increase enrollment in
physics and simultaneously offer paid early retirement to some
of our department members. But hey, what about 'Rocks for
Jocks', or 'Computers for Clutzes'? Why are we expected to be
the one department in the University that only offers quality
courses? So if you need a science credit, and want to do as
little work as possible to get it - remember 1-2-3. (Those who
have already taken MATH 3.14159 Numbers, Fingers, and Stuff
will have an advantage in remembering this.)
Topics Include: which way is up? why tie your shoelaces? the
difference between steam and ice (time and class intelligence
permitting)
Prerequisites: pulse rate greater than 10 beats per minute

PHYS 150 Introduction to Astronomy
The ideal course for those who wish to study physics without
having to actually study physics. This is traditionally the
course of choice for those who think a physics minor would look
good on their c.v., but who have no interest or ability in the
subject.
Topics Include: which end of the telescope is for looking in?
Prerequisites: A pledge never to ask the professor his 'sign'

PHYS 200 Modern Physics
Learn about all the theories and critical experiments of the
last century, without being burdened with the mathematics that
would permit you to do something with this knowledge.
Topics Include: the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle (perhaps)
Prerequisites: readiness to accept that everything we taught
you in PHYS 100 is only a classical approximation

PHYS 201 E&M #1
We couldn't teach you Electromagnetism properly in PHYS 100
because you had not yet taken any vector calculus. Even though
you still have not taken any class in vector calculus, we
consider that anybody who has opted to major in physics should
be able to absorb the entire content of MATH 201 in the first
week of the term.
Topics Include: Maxwell's equations
Prerequisites: PHYS 205, MATH 100

PHYS 205 Optics
Using your knowledge of electromagnetic fields (which you will
acquire next term in PHYS 201) we introduce the subject of
light - what is it and how does it behave?
Topics Include: did you know that nearsighted people have eyes
that are too strong, not too weak?
Prerequisites: PHYS 201

PHYS 207 Mechanics
No, this is not a course in car maintainance!
Topics Include: trajectories, oscillations, Hilbert space
Prerequisites: PHYS 100

PHYS 300 S&M (Sadistical Mechanics)
Have you ever wondered what the laws of statistics and quantum
mechanics say would happen if you were to put
1,000,000,000,000,000 gas molecules into a container? Take this
class and find out!
Topics Include: the Grand Ole Canonical Partition Function
Prerequisites: PHYS 100, MATH 523

PHYS 312 QM (Quantum Mechanics)
This is what we wanted to teach you in PHYS 200, but weren't
able to because you had only had five calculus courses so far.
Topics Include: is your cat really alive?
Prerequisites: PHYS 200

PHYS 400 E&M #2
Having weeded out all but the most highly intelligent students
with PHYS 201, we are now able to get into the real meat of the
subject of Electromagnetic waves and fields.
Topics Include: optics, relativity, gauge transforms
Prerequisites: PHYS 201, every math course you can get

PHYS 456 Advanced Physics for Artsies
We are presently the only Physics Department in the world to
offer an advanced physics course especially geared for
humanities students. Our consistent offering of this course is
evidence of our belief that Physics is indeed a subject for
everyone. In fact, Dr. M.C. Skewaired (who has been teaching
this class for the last 14 years) has often said in defense of
the funding for the course 'if I ever get any students, they
will love this class'.
Topics Include: which way is down?
Prerequisites: PHYS 123

http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes/2_6.html

[HeLiXe]

I was fired from my job at Tropicana because I couldn't concentrate.

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[HeLiXe]

Who hasn't?

Whew! Thanks for making me feel normal once again.

[IMP]

There was a man who entered a local newspaper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

[Lancelot59]

I can't believe this joke isn't in the thread already...

A dairy cooperative contacted the local university's extension service asking for help on improving their milk production. The extension agent said, "Well, all our dairy experts are on vacation right now, but we can send you a theoretical physicist."

The cooperative decided that was better than nothing. So the physicist visited the cooperative and some of the members' farms and took notes, and then went off to consider the problem. In due course he arranged with the cooperative for a meeting to present his findings.

"To start off, we'll make some simplifying assumptions. First, let's assume a spherical cow of uniform density..."

http://dd-b.net/photography/gallery/Mike-Ford/ddb%2020060414%20020-025.jpg

http://dd-b.net/cgi-bin/picpage.pl/photography/gallery/Mike-Ford?pic=ddb%2020060414%20020-025;IPTC=yes

That joke also would've worked for a mathematician. Unless they actually wrote a density function for the cow...

Whew! Thanks for making me feel normal once again.
You're welcome.

[jhae2.718]

...

Wait, to me that sounds suspiciously like you're implying that cows aren't perfectly spherical, aren't uniformly dense, and aren't in a vacuum...something is up here, I can tell it.

[AlephZero]

That joke also would've worked for a mathematician.

Nope. The mathematician didn't know what a cow was, but he did know about fields.

We think the cow is somewhere in a field with an uncountably infinite number of dimensions right now, but the mathematician is still figuring out how to use the axiom of choice to find it again.

[Borg]

Nope. The mathematician didn't know what a cow was, but he did know about fields.

We think the cow is somewhere in a field with an uncountably infinite number of dimensions right now, but the mathematician is still figuring out how to use the axiom of choice to find it again.

Just look for the cow pi. :rolleyes:

[HeLiXe]

Wait, to me that sounds suspiciously like you're implying that cows aren't perfectly spherical, aren't uniformly dense, and aren't in a vacuum...something is up here, I can tell it.
lol:P

[HeLiXe]

Nope. The mathematician didn't know what a cow was, but he did know about fields.

We think the cow is somewhere in a field with an uncountably infinite number of dimensions right now, but the mathematician is still figuring out how to use the axiom of choice to find it again.

:rofl:

[Lancelot59]

My physics teacher was just saying "we love the chain rule". First I thought of "we love Katamari", then I remembered Full Metal Jacket.

This is my chain rule. There are many like it but this one is mine.

[jhae2.718]

So, who exactly goes to grad school anyways? I mean, I never had any trouble doing things like \nabla\!\mathbf{f}, and yet people go to a special school just to learn one operation??

[Borek]

You got it wrong, grad school means they spend their time grading exams. Ask any grad student if you doubt.

[HeLiXe]

You got it wrong, grad school means they spend their time grading exams.

:rofl: That's what I heard :p

[AlephZero]

Just look for the cow pi. :rolleyes:

Or, find out if the standard lion-finding methods also work on cows.

(Google "math joke lion sahara" if you don't know what I'm talking about).

[FtlIsAwesome]

(Google "math joke lion sahara" if you don't know what I'm talking about).
Well, this thread comes up so it goes into an infinite loop. :tongue2:

[FtlIsAwesome]

How to artificially create a blackhole.

1. Dig a pit into the ground.
2. Step away.
3. Is it black?
4. You have successfully made a blackhole!

[AlephZero]

You got it wrong, grad school means they spend their time grading exams.

That's seems fair enough. The gradding procedure is finding which students have potentials.

Insert something about circulation here

[Lancelot59]

Living with a woman is like living in a null space.
All my money gets mapped to zero.

[HeLiXe]

Living with a woman is like living in a null space.
All my money gets mapped to zero.

What a coincidence...the same destination as her sanity :p

[Lancelot59]

What a coincidence...the same destination as her sanity :p

I think that goes both ways. :rolleyes:

[Amazon]

Hydrogen and oxygen are out having drinks and gold walks in. They say "eh you, get out of the bar"

[Lancelot59]

Hydrogen and oxygen are out having drinks and gold walks in. They say "eh you, get out of the bar"

HA! I get it. I've heard a few good jokes that use a similar trick but I can't remember them at the moment.

[micromass]

"It's a plane figure," Tom said flatly.
"99 is almost 100," said Tom roughly.
"1,3,5,7," Tom said oddly.
"Space is an infinite set of points," Tom said distantly.
"They are mirror images," reflected Tom.
"Consider a linear 2-dimensional universe", Tom's teacher said plainly.
"Not I", Tom replied unimaginatively.
"Why not?", she asked initially.
"We haven't discussed the addition problems", Tom said nonplused.
"I don't know what (b^2 - 4ac) equals and I don't care!" said Tom indiscriminately...

[HeLiXe]

"It's a plane figure," Tom said flatly.
"99 is almost 100," said Tom roughly.
"1,3,5,7," Tom said oddly.
"Space is an infinite set of points," Tom said distantly.
"They are mirror images," reflected Tom.
"Consider a linear 2-dimensional universe", Tom's teacher said plainly.
"Not I", Tom replied unimaginatively.
"Why not?", she asked initially.
"We haven't discussed the addition problems", Tom said nonplused.
"I don't know what (b^2 - 4ac) equals and I don't care!" said Tom indiscriminately...

:rofl: This is good stuff! I should send it to my English professor :D

[FtlIsAwesome]

Astronaut: I've been to Venus and back!
Skeptic: What are you trying to pull?
Astronaut: Some gees.

[HeLiXe]

lolololll

[Amazon]

Pick-up lines

What’s your sine? Well it must be pi/2 because you’re the 1 ;)

You must be Windows 95 because you got me so unstable

[Lancelot59]

Pick-up lines

What’s your sine? Well it must be pi/2 because you’re the 1 ;)

You must be Windows 95 because you got me so unstable

HA! I'm tempted to try them.

[DaveC426913]

HA! I'm tempted to try them.

You must be extremely charismatic, that you can do the pickup equivalent of lighting a cigar with a 100 dollar bill... :biggrin:

[Lancelot59]

You must be extremely charismatic, that you can do the pickup equivalent of lighting a cigar with a 100 dollar bill... :biggrin:

I wish I was that rich.

[Amazon]

A scientist and his friend walk into a bar. The scientist says, "I'll have a cup of H2O." His friend said, "I'll have a cup of H2O, too." Then he died.

Duct tape is like the force. They both have a dark side and a light and come in handy when you're kidnapping a princess

[FtlIsAwesome]

This joke intentionally left blank.

[HeLiXe]

lololol good one lol

[jhae2.718]

This joke intentionally left blank.

For the course evaluation for the chemistry lab I have, I wrote "This field intentionally left blank." in the additional comments box... :biggrin:

[DaveC426913]

A scientist and his friend walk into a bar. The scientist says, "I'll have a cup of H2O." His friend said, "I'll have a cup of H2O, too." Then he died.

That's good.

I memorized this one from my childhood:

There once was a lad who drank some water
Poor lad, he is no more
For what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4


But yours is way better.

[Lisa!]

http://cdn.imgfave.com/image_cache/1301971571557888.jpeg

[EternityMech]

and orders a drink. "How much?" he asks,
the bartender says “For you, no charge."



Two atoms walk into a bar, one turns to the other and says, "I believe I lost an electron". The other atom says, "are you sure?" to which the first atom replies. "im positive".



A photon bumps into a electron, and the electron asks "where are you going why the rush?" The photon replies "I have mass." The electron says "I didnt know photons had mass." The photon replies "I'm catholic."

[micromass]

These are the best I can think of:

A neutrino walks through a bar...


The tachyon leaves the bar. The tachyon orders a drink. The tachyon walks into a bar.

You'll find thousands more in our lame jokes thread! http://www.physicsforums.com/showthread.php?t=25301

[Jack21222]

A virus walks into a bar. The bartender sneers "We don't serve your kind here!" So the virus replaces the bartender and says "now we do."

Credit: Brian Malow

(don't yell at me because it's a biology joke)

[jhae2.718]

(don't yell at me because it's a biology joke)

It's a BIOLOGY joke!!!! What are you thinking?! We have standards here! :biggrin:

[jtbell]

You'll find thousands more in our lame jokes thread!

Into which this thread has now been assimilated. Resistance is futile.

[jhae2.718]

I...Resistance is futile.

(If < 1 Ω)

[micromass]

It's a BIOLOGY joke!!!! What are you thinking?! We have standards here! :biggrin:

Don't yell at the guy, we all know that biology is a joke :biggrin:

I mean, if they publish stuff like this:
http://fliptomato.wordpress.com/2007/03/19/medical-researcher-discovers-integration-gets-75-citations/
(ok, it was a medical "researcher", but it counts as biology)

[jhae2.718]

Don't yell at the guy, we all know that biology is a joke :biggrin:

I mean, if they publish stuff like this:
http://fliptomato.wordpress.com/2007/03/19/medical-researcher-discovers-integration-gets-75-citations/
(ok, it was a medical "researcher", but it counts as biology)

I love how the guy names it after himself...

[Amazon]

There's a big calculus party, and all the functions are invited. ln(x) is talking to some trig functions, when he sees his friend e^x sulking in a corner.

ln(x): "What's wrong e^x?"
e^x: "I'm so lonely!"
ln(x): "Well, you should go integrate yourself into the crowd!"
...e^x looks up and cries, "It won't make a difference!"

[FtlIsAwesome]

(don't yell at me because it's a biology joke)
It could be a computer joke.

[jhae2.718]

Longest song in the world*: \aleph_0 bottles of beer on the wall

*Assuming that a bottle of beer is a discrete object and is an element of N

[HeLiXe]

There's a big calculus party, and all the functions are invited. ln(x) is talking to some trig functions, when he sees his friend e^x sulking in a corner.

ln(x): "What's wrong e^x?"
e^x: "I'm so lonely!"
ln(x): "Well, you should go integrate yourself into the crowd!"
...e^x looks up and cries, "It won't make a difference!"

:rofl:

[EternityMech]

my jokes were the best

[lisab]

There's a big calculus party, and all the functions are invited. ln(x) is talking to some trig functions, when he sees his friend e^x sulking in a corner.

ln(x): "What's wrong e^x?"
e^x: "I'm so lonely!"
ln(x): "Well, you should go integrate yourself into the crowd!"
...e^x looks up and cries, "It won't make a difference!"

Lololol...nice

[lisab]

my jokes were the best

Ah, but were they the lamest?

[Borg]

Into which this thread has now been assimilated. Resistance is futile.
I agree. :wink:

[jtbell]

A Borg walks into a bar.

Bartender: "What'll you have?"

Borg: "Everybody on this planet. Resistance is futile."

(I've been watching too much Star Trek lately, thanks to the nightly re-runs of TNG on one of my local TV stations.)

[Borg]

A Borg walks into a bar.

Bartender: "What'll you have?"

Borg: "Everybody on this planet. Resistance is futile."

(I've been watching too much Star Trek lately, thanks to the nightly re-runs of TNG on one of my local TV stations.)
:rofl: I need to seriously consider this for my signature.

[HeLiXe]

Don't yell at the guy, we all know that biology is a joke :biggrin:

I mean, if they publish stuff like this:
http://fliptomato.wordpress.com/2007/03/19/medical-researcher-discovers-integration-gets-75-citations/
(ok, it was a medical "researcher", but it counts as biology)

:rofl: The first sentence made me laugh and the last one almost killed me LOL

[Darken-Sol]

i put spot remover on my dog, now he's gone.

[lisab]

i put spot remover on my dog, now he's gone.

:rofl:

[HeLiXe]

:rofl:

[cobalt124]

This is from my eldest son:

"I joined a new club, apparently its going to be the latest craze - blindfold plane spotting. In the end I only went once, I didn't see it taking off.".

[Lisa!]

http://cdn.imgfave.com/image_cache2/1302942571473427.jpeg

[WhoWee]

What did the chicken say to the duck?





Don't mess with my peeps.

[jtbell]

A few days ago while driving to campus (unusually, because I normally walk), I swerved to avoid a turtle in the middle of the street. This got me wondering:

"Why did the turtle cross the road?"

Because it was hungry, and looking for some chicken.

[WhoWee]

A few days ago while driving to campus (unusually, because I normally walk), I swerved to avoid a turtle in the middle of the street. This got me wondering:

"Why did the turtle cross the road?"

Because it was hungry, and looking for some chicken.

What do truck drivers call turtles who cross the road?




Speed bumps.

[IMP]

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

[lisab]

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Lol...that's not lame!

[IMP]

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

[cobalt124]

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

Two fish in a tank. One says to the other "Do you know how to drive this thing?".

[FtlIsAwesome]

Two fish in a tank. One says to the other "Do you know how to drive this thing?".
"Let's try this button."
*cannon fires*
"Oops! There goes that building."

[HeLiXe]

Two fish in a tank. One says to the other "Do you know how to drive this thing?".
:rofl:

[HeLiXe]

What did the chicken say to the duck?





Don't mess with my peeps.

:rofl:

[Darken-Sol]

why dont cannibals eat clowns? they taste funny

[Alfi]

The difference between kids and cannibal kids.

What's for dinner Mom?

What's for dinner? Mom?

[FtlIsAwesome]

People who eat vegetables live on planets and moons around Vega.
Because they're Vegans.

[FlexGunship]

People who eat vegetables live on planets and moons around Vega.
Because they're Vegans.

http://cdn.bleacherreport.com/images_root/image_pictures/0718/8327/150889_crop_340x234.jpg

Flag on the play!

[Darken-Sol]

chuck norris doesn't do push ups he is actually pushing the world down

[Isaacsname]

chuck norris doesn't do push ups he is actually pushing the world down

I heard that's why we have tides...:biggrin:

[cobalt124]

Lame Shakespeare Quote:

"Tubby, or not tubby. Fat is the question".

[FtlIsAwesome]

chuck norris doesn't do push ups he is actually pushing the world down
There's a whole thread for those. :wink:
http://physicsforums.com/showthread.php?t=177805

[IMP]

Did you hear the one about the broken pencil?

Never mind, it is pointless...

[jtbell]

Lame Shakespeare Quote:

"Tubby, or not tubby. Fat is the question".

Lame landlord joke:

(after showing apartment 2B to a prospective tenant)

"Come on, Mr. Shakespeare, make up your mind! 2B or not 2B, that is the question."

[BobG]

Lame landlord joke:

(after showing apartment 2B to a prospective tenant)

"Come on, Mr. Shakespeare, make up your mind! 2B or not 2B, that is the question."

Ah, but if 2B or not 2B is the answer, then what is the question?
















What's the square root of 4B^2?

[Gad]

Did you hear the one about the broken pencil?

Never mind, it is pointless...


:rofl:
Took me a while to get it though. :shy:

[FtlIsAwesome]

If a zombie became president how would he travel?

He'd use Scare Force One.

--------

Gansta 1: I interrogate my prisoners, then kill them.
Gansta 2: I kill first ask questions later.
Gansta 3: I kill.

--------

EDIT

A supervillian president would fly on Lair Force One.

A fruit president would fly on Pear Force One.

A grizzly? Bear Force One.

An uncommon person? Rare Force One.

A stunt actor? Dare Force One.

A Care Bear? Care Force One.
Ok, that's scary. Forget that one.

A president with an unknown location? Where Force One.

Someone furry? Hair Force One.

[lisab]

Ah, but if 2B or not 2B is the answer, then what is the question?



:rofl:

[Jimmy Snyder]

Did you hear the one about the broken pencil?

Never mind, it is pointless...
Did you hear the one about the airplane? Never mind, it's over your head.
2b V ~2b = ?
TB or not TB. That is congestion. Consuption be done about it?

[geophysics10]

My math prof. back in the 90's used to start his lectures with an update of his marital life, and slipped it in one day during a lecture on limits.

"Is there anything worse than dividing by zero?
Marrying the wrong person.
But in mathematics, no."

[DaveC426913]

Q: How did the pig feel after losing its voice?
A: Disgruntled.

- The New York Times crossword

[FtlIsAwesome]

PF SAS - Parrot Freedom Security And Safety

[HeLiXe]

PF SAS - Parrot Freedom Security And Safety

:rofl: LOLOLOLlololll

[GeorginaS]

TB or not TB. That is congestion. Consuption be done about it?

Yeah, that one? It was painful, let me tell you.



:biggrin:

[Ivan Seeking]

Even though the Birthers have been given their long-form BC, the conspiracy theories continue as the basis for the After-Birthers movement.

[Borek]

After-Birthers movement.

Aren't they called Educaters now?

[Borek]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/227017_10150170088106821_176141556820_7233579_7667 52_n.jpg

[Borg]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/227017_10150170088106821_176141556820_7233579_7667 52_n.jpg
:rofl:
Correction:
3: name.xml
4: ssn.xml
5: password.xml

For those who don't know what this refers to:
PlayStation Network hacked (http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/gamesblog/2011/apr/27/psn-security-advice)

[Isaacsname]

If a zombie became president how would he travel?

He'd use Scare Force One.

--------

Gansta 1: I interrogate my prisoners, then kill them.
Gansta 2: I kill first ask questions later.
Gansta 3: I kill.

--------

EDIT

A supervillian president would fly on Lair Force One.

A fruit president would fly on Pear Force One.

A grizzly? Bear Force One.

An uncommon person? Rare Force One.

A stunt actor? Dare Force One.

A Care Bear? Care Force One.
Ok, that's scary. Forget that one.

A president with an unknown location? Where Force One.

Someone furry? Hair Force One.

lool, You just don't know when to quit...:smile:

[FtlIsAwesome]

lool, You just don't know when to quit...:smile:
What does "quit" mean?



------

What do aerospace and geometry zombies say?

" Plllaaaannneeeesss "

------

Don't name your horse Charlie.
You'll get a charlie-horse.

------

Astronaut: I've been to Saturn and back!
Skeptic: What are trying to pull now?
Astronaut: Some more gee's.

[HeLiXe]

What does "quit" mean?


It means I saw it first :devil:
:tongue2: ok ok I'll stop now....

[Ivan Seeking]

Aren't they called Educaters now?

By that logic, the Birthers were all pediatricians.

[Darken-Sol]

stop me if you've herd this one.... how is the enterprise like toilet paper? they go to uranus and wipe out klingons.

[Isaacsname]

What does "quit" mean?



------

What do aerospace and geometry zombies say?

" Plllaaaannneeeesss "

------

Don't name your horse Charlie.
You'll get a charlie-horse.

------

Astronaut: I've been to Saturn and back!
Skeptic: What are trying to pull now?
Astronaut: Some more gee's.

k....how 'bout Humphrey Bogart as a zombie ?

Daaaammmmeeessss

:bugeye:

[Isaacsname]

A Feynman zombie ?

Path Integraaaaaaals

[DaveC426913]

A Feynman zombie ?

Path Integraaaaaaals

Monty Python zombies?
Wankel Rotary Eeeeeeeeengines

Wait. Maybe there's a limit.

[Isaacsname]

Monty Python zombies?
Wankel Rotary Eeeeeeeeengines

Wait. Maybe there's a limit.

Only if you define it :uhh:

[jtbell]

A Feynman zombie ?

Path Integraaaaaaals

Or playing the bongos: bonk.....................................bonk..... ................................bonk.............. .....................bonk......................... .........bonk..................................... .

[Isaacsname]

Or playing the bongos: bonk.....................................bonk..... ................................bonk.............. .....................bonk......................... .........bonk..................................... .

Hahaha. Seriously.

I know he would have laughed at that. Listening to Susskind's TED talk about Feynman makes me wish I could have met him.

[FtlIsAwesome]

Wait. Maybe there's a limit.
This is Lame Jokes. There is no limit.

[micromass]

This is Lame Jokes. There is no limit.

Sure there is a limit: good jokes :smile:

[Isaacsname]

Sure there is a limit: good jokes :smile:

As we all know, it's just a matter of bad taste....errr...good taste....no....wait...:eek:

[FtlIsAwesome]

As we all know, it's just a matter of bad taste....errr...good taste....no....wait...:eek:
ehehe.

[jhae2.718]

The key is to make sure \forall jokes \in thread: |good joke - joke| \not< \varepsilon.

[IMP]

You know, a police officer actually complimented me on my driving today. He left a little note on my windshield, it said "Parking Fine".

So that was nice.

[lisab]

You know, a police officer actually complimented me on my driving today. He left a little note on my windshield, it said "Parking Fine".

So that was nice.

:rofl: Oh nice...sooooo lame....!

[FtlIsAwesome]

This thread is so lame.
Lame, I'm telling you, lame!
Insanely, crazily, stupendously lame!
Terrificly, gigantically, stellarly lame!
Ok, I should stop now.
Because I'm getting lame.
Really, really, lame.
Yeah, I'm getting lame.
Did I say lame?
Ok, ok, I better stop now.
Or it'll get even more lame--

[Gad]

You know, a police officer actually complimented me on my driving today. He left a little note on my windshield, it said "Parking Fine".

So that was nice.

:rofl:

[jtbell]

You know, a police officer actually complimented me on my driving today. He left a little note on my windshield, it said "Parking Fine".

Are you sure that was a compliment on your driving? :wink:

[IMP]

Are you sure that was a compliment? :wink:

It was a compliment. He was so impressed with my parking skills he wanted me to go talk to a judge, I guess to share my awesome driving skills. The judge was also very impressed, he said something about "service to the community" or maybe it was "community service"...

[Ivan Seeking]

HYPNOTIST AT THE SENIOR CENTER
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance,
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience".
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. ."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly,
it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"CRAP!" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center .

[Gad]

OMG!!! :rofl:

[IMP]

HYPNOTIST AT THE SENIOR CENTER
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance,
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience".
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. ."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly,
it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"CRAP!" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center .

Not lame! Well, Depends...

[Borg]

HYPNOTIST AT THE SENIOR CENTER
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance,
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience".
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. ."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly,
it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"CRAP!" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center .:rofl:
Not lame! Well, Depends...
:rofl:

[madah12]

are you dp/dt or dF/da?

where p is the momentum , F is the force and a is the acceleration

[FtlIsAwesome]

If you're taken to the Seapreme Court, they'll sentence you to the eelectric chair.

[HeLiXe]

hypnotist at the senior center
it was entertainment night at the senior center
claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "i'm here to put you into a trance,
i intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience".
The excitement was almost electric as claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"i want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
he began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. ."
the crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly,
it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"crap!" said the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the senior center .

omg -_-

[Ivan Seeking]

OMG!!! :rofl:

Ever since the internet came along, I've gotten a lot better at telling jokes.

[DaveC426913]

Ever since the internet came along, I've gotten a lot better at telling jokes.
Huh. Ever since the internet came along I've gotten a lot better looking.

[Isaacsname]

Huh. Ever since the internet came along I've gotten a lot better looking.

Yes, but why is there a weasel tied to your face ? :bugeye:

Are you trying to hide something ?

[DaveC426913]

Yes, but why is there a weasel tied to your face ? :bugeye:

Are you trying to hide something ?

:rofl:

[FtlIsAwesome]

Bird 1: "Will you stop with your stupid owl jokes!"
Bird 2: "What? They're a hoot!"

[IMP]

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_keP8xgKfxpY/TKjjsKA12JI/AAAAAAAAAME/PwtXuBzJzD4/s1600/kermit_6-22-06.jpg

[Gad]

oY6tCnu-1Do&feature=youtube_gdata_player

[FtlIsAwesome]

oY6tCnu-1Do&feature=youtube_gdata_player
LOLROFLCOPTERZ

I AM PUNCHING YOUR SALAD!!!

:p

[Isaacsname]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GeQpK02UfRA&feature=player_embedded

[DaveC426913]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GeQpK02UfRA&feature=player_embedded

OK, I was ready to bail by 0:00:04 but because I'm a trooper I stuck it out. I bailed at 0:00:16.

It would have to get a whole lot better very fast to convince me to watch more than 16 seconds.

And 16 seconds is not too short to want them back from you.

[Isaacsname]

OK, I was ready to bail by 0:00:04 but because I'm a trooper I stuck it out. I bailed at 0:00:16.

It would have to get a whole lot better very fast to convince me to watch more than 16 seconds.

And 16 seconds is not too short to want them back from you.

Trust me, watch the whole thang, there's a subtle plot twist near the end.

[Isaacsname]

I don't know if you have seen this yet, I :cry:ed
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Apparently the washingtonpost held a contest in which high school teachers sent in the “worst” analogies they’d encountered in grading their students’ papers over the years. (I place “worst” in quotes because many of these actually strike me as quite witty). The top 25 of these have been circulating around the “Sandra Bullock” (”net”, get it?) recently, but I decided to post all 56 that I was able to find. Here they are, in their order of objective funniness (in my opinion):

1.Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

2.He was as tall as a 6′3″ tree.

3.Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

4.From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
5.John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

6.She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

7.The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

8.He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

9.Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

10.She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

11.The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

12.The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.

13.McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

14.His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

15.He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at asolar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

16.Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

17.Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

18.The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

19.Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

20.The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

21.They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

22.He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

23.Even in his last years, Grand pappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it hadrusted shut.

24.He felt like he was being hunted down like a dog, in a place that hunts dogs, I suppose.

25.She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

26.She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

27.The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

28.The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

29.“Oh, Jason, take me!” she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

30.It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

31.It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

32.He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

33.The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

34.Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

35.Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man.”

36.The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

37.The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

38.She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

39.Her pants fit her like a glove, well, maybe more like a mitten, actually.

40.Fishing is like waiting for something that does not happen very often.

41.They were as good friends as the people on “Friends.”

42.Oooo, he smells bad, she thought, as bad as Calvin Klein’s Obsession would smell if it were called Enema and was made from spoiled Spamburgers instead of natural floral fragrances.

43.The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.

44.He was as bald as one of the Three Stooges, either Curly or Larry, you know, the one who goes woo woo woo.

45.The sardines were packed as tight as the coach section of a 747.

46.Her eyes were shining like two marbles that someone dropped in mucus and then held up to catch the light.

47.The baseball player stepped out of the box and spit like a fountain statue of a Greek god that scratches itself a lot and spits brown, rusty tobacco water and refuses to sign autographs for all the little Greek kids unless they pay him lots of drachmas.

48.I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don’t speak German. Anyway, it’s a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don’t know the name for those either.

49.She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that you can’t sing worth a damn.

50.Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.

51.It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.

52.Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.

53.You know how in “Rocky” he prepares for the fight by punching sides of raw beef? Well, yesterday it was as cold as that meat locker he was in.

54.The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.

55.Her lips were red and full, like tubes of blood drawn by an inattentive phlebotomist.

56.The sunset displayed rich, spectacular hues like a .jpeg file at 10 percent cyan, 10 percent magenta, 60 percent yellow and 10 percent black.

[DaveC426913]

Trust me, watch the whole thang, there's a subtle plot twist near the end.

Nnnnnope. Caaaaan't make me.

[Isaacsname]

Nnnnnope. Caaaaan't make me.

Don't make me pull the car over.

[Isaacsname]

Nnnnnope. Caaaaan't make me.

Lool, ok, heres something a little more artistic, ...I hope you like clowns.....and zombies....

Since I cannot master embedding, here's the link

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dG8wsae-6tU

[FtlIsAwesome]

A team of astronauts landed on planet Elowel
Immediately after they stepped onto the surface, they burst out laughing.

[IMP]

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing...

[QuarkCharmer]

A team of astronauts landed on planet Elowel
Immediately after they stepped onto the surface, they burst out laughing.

Is that supposed to be "El Oh El"? Not sure I get that one.

[micromass]

Is that supposed to be "El Oh El"? Not sure I get that one.

lol :tongue2:

[QuarkCharmer]

lol :tongue2:

Oh that makes sense. Thanks

[IMP]

I believe the moon that orbits that planet is Laffmiasoff, can anyone confirm?

[DaveC426913]

I believe the moon that orbits that planet is Laffmiasoff, can anyone confirm?

Isn't that data stored in MIASS (http://monster-island.org/tinashumor/humor/miass.html)?

[FtlIsAwesome]

The astronauts decided to name one of the moons Roffel.

[micromass]

The astronauts decided to name one of the moons Roffel.

Don't forget the local population of Roffel. These aliens fly with devices known as Roffelcopters...

[QuarkCharmer]

http://i51.tinypic.com/11mcbxs.jpg

[FtlIsAwesome]

http://i51.tinypic.com/11mcbxs.jpg
http://www.htloz.net/forums/images/smilies/awesome/roflcopter.gif

[jtbell]

A team of astronauts landed on planet Elowel
Immediately after they stepped onto the surface, they burst out laughing.

And then they discovered that it's inhabited by lolcats.

[FtlIsAwesome]

A group of hearts got together at the exercise gym.
One of the hearts said, "Let's pump that iron in our blood!"

------

Have you ever found a program so bad that you wanted your money back even though it was freeware?

------

What does a zombie playing Halo say?

"I like the Flood. We're so much alike. Zombies and Flood must be cousins."

[HeLiXe]

lol at the pumping iron lolol

[HeLiXe]

The astronauts decided to name one of the moons Roffel.

Where was I when you posted this LOLOL

[FtlIsAwesome]

Where was I when you posted this LOLOL
Not here.

[HeLiXe]

GAh! You and your answers! You could have at least said Uranus or something.

[HeLiXe]

Isn't that data stored in MIASS (http://monster-island.org/tinashumor/humor/miass.html)?
^^Like this is the perfect opportunity to insert a Uranus joke
edit:
Really funny link btw Dave LOLOLOLL

[FtlIsAwesome]

GAh! You and your answers!
:biggrin:

[FtlIsAwesome]

I is a highschooler.

[FtlIsAwesome]

ping char
ping micro
ping peng

[HeLiXe]

ping ching

[FtlIsAwesome]

Supperman eats alot.

[DaveC426913]

OK, is this the lame jokes thread, or the toddler's jibber jabber thread? :wink:

[FtlIsAwesome]

OK, is this the lame jokes thread, or the toddler's jibber jabber thread? :wink:
:rofl:

Aren't those pretty much the same thing?

[FtlIsAwesome]

Current
Microsoft Windows

2015
Microsoft Doors

2020
Microsoft Walls

2025
Microsoft Gates

[Darken-Sol]

ping ching

ping pong, or as the chinese say, ping pong.

[Lancelot59]

Current
Microsoft Windows

2015
Microsoft Doors

2020
Microsoft Walls

2025
Microsoft Gates
Are those still valid since he retired?

[Lancelot59]

Here's some:

There's a band called 1023MB. They haven't had any gigs yet.

Why did Mr. Ohm marry Mrs. Ohm? Because he couldn't resistor!!

[QuarkCharmer]

What do you call one period of a sinusoidal sheep?

Lamb, duh!

/all I got.

[FtlIsAwesome]

There's a band called 1023MB. They haven't had any gigs yet.
:biggrin:



IMHO
In My Haughty Opinion

NASA
Nickle Alloy Stapler Agency

FBI
Flour Bakery Institute

[QuarkCharmer]

Why did Mr. Ohm marry Mrs. Ohm? Because he couldn't resistor!!

She left her earlier husband, Mr. Z, because he had a case of impedence.

[I like Serena]

She left her earlier husband, Mr. Z, because he had a case of impedence.

Like! :smile:

[IMP]

I discovered that I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

[DaveC426913]

Q: I got an orange tree, a lemon tree and a lime tree. Which one will I find my chicken in?

A: My Poultry.

- the homeless guy, southbound Church at Richmond, 8:55 this morning

[Gad]

:rofl:

[Ivan Seeking]

I think it was Jon Stewart [maybe Colbert] who pointed this out:

If someone is pro-life, and pro-gun, then they must believe that fetuses have the right to own firearms.

[QuarkCharmer]

Why can't you teach a horse to graph?

Because you can't put Descartes before a horse.

[HeLiXe]

lololol

[FtlIsAwesome]

I bought an old computer so I could get two thousand windows for my house.

[HeLiXe]

lololll You must have a big house!

[FtlIsAwesome]

My neighbor wasn't so lucky. He could only afford ninety-five windows.


My other neighbor didn't buy a number of windows, he bought an amount measured in letters. :confused:

[HeLiXe]

vectors? @_@

[Borek]

I remember having 3.11 window.

[DaveC426913]

I remember having 3.11 window.

I remember when 3.11 was the eagerly awaited upgrade.

[dandirom]

A Princeton plasma physicist is at the beach when he discovers an ancient looking oil lantern sticking out of the sand. He rubs the sand off with a towel and a genie pops out. The genie offers to grant him one wish. The physicist retrieves a map of the world from his car an circles the Middle East and tells the genie, 'I wish you to bring peace in this region'.

After 10 long minutes of deliberation, the genie replies, 'Gee, there are lots of problems there with Lebanon, Iraq, Israel, and all those other places. This is awfully embarrassing. I've never had to do this before, but I'm just going to have to ask you for another wish. This one is just too much for me'.

Taken aback, the physicist thinks a bit and asks, 'I wish that the Princeton tokamak would achieve scientific fusion energy break-even.'

After another deliberation the genie asks, 'Could I see that map again?'

[FtlIsAwesome]

I have an idea to solve the Pluto debate.

Blow up Pluto.

[Frankly]

While on a grueling march through the desert during Napoleons Egyptian campaign, the troops water supplies ran out, and thirst began to set in. After two days without water, and with Napoleon refusing to turn back, the men had had enough and mutiny broke out. After a brief skirmish with his personal guards, the great Napoleon found himself surrounded by his own troops, a ring of bayonet tips inches from his face. Just when it seemed all was lost, a rain drop landed on Napoleons nose, then another, and another, and then a deluge erupted. The men were silent, all that could be heard was the sound of the rain drumming on their hats. Napoleon was saved, the men had water at last. Napoleon threw his hat in the air and cried 'Its raining, men! Hallelujah! Its raining, men!'

[micromass]

Now, I know that mathematical texts are hard for the beginner. This is why I will present here some basic terminology that math books like to use:

1) It can be proven...

This may take upwards of a year, and no shorter than four hours, and may require something like 5 reams of scratch paper, 100 pencils, or 100 refills (For those who use mechanical pencils). If you are only an undergraduate, you need not bother attempting the proof as it will be impossible for you.

2) It can be shown...

Usually this would take the teacher about one hour of blackboard work, so he/she avoids doing it. Another possibility of course is that the instructor doesn't understand the proof himself/herself.

3) It is obvious...

Only to PhD's who specialize in that field, or to instructors who have taught the course 100 times.

4) It is easily derived...

Meaning that the teacher figures that even the student could derive it. The dedicated student who wishes to do this will waste the next weekend in the attempt. Also possible that the teacher read this somewhere, and wants to sound like he/she really has it together.

5) It is obvious...

Only to the Author of the textbook, or Carl Gauss. More likely only Carl Gauss. Last time I saw this was as a step in a proof of Fermat's last theorem.

6) The proof is beyond the scope of this text.

Obviously this is a plot. The reader will never find any text with the proof in it. The Proof doesn't exist. The theorem just turned out to be usefull to the author.

7) The proof is left up to the reader.

...sure let us do all the work. Does the author think that we have nothing better to do than sit around with THEIR textbook, and do the work that THEY should have done?

8) Sample Proof: . . .

4.7 At this point we assume that x is an element of the set S, and therefore...We know this according to L. Krueger[pg. 71]


Question...has anyone ever bothered to see if these type of references exist. Come on...we all know what happens when we are writing a freshman english composition and run out of sources...how better to prove your thesis with a little blurb from some obscure, and nonexistant source


9) HINT:...

The hardest of several possible ways to do a proof.

10) The diligent student can show...

It is an unsolved problem - probably harder than Fermat's Last Theorem.

[Lancelot59]

I remember when 3.11 was the eagerly awaited upgrade.

I still have an ancient laptop that runs windows 3.12.

[IMP]

Scientific Conversions

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
16.5 feet in theTwilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
52 cards = 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
10 rations = 1 decoration
2 monograms = 1 diagram
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

[micromass]

Scientific Conversions

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
16.5 feet in theTwilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
52 cards = 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
10 rations = 1 decoration
2 monograms = 1 diagram
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

1 millionth of a mass?

[Borek]

2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

And not 4?

That's almost half of Beijing.

[IMP]

1 millionth of a mass?

Micromass of course!

[jtbell]

10-12 ghost = 1 picoboo

9 x 10-9 musical instruments = 1 nanononet

[Jimmy Snyder]

3) It is obvious...
The professor writes the next equation on the board and says "This step is trivial." One of the students raises their hand and asks "Are you sure?" The professor stands in front of the board, lost in thought for about ten minutes. Then turns to the student and says "Yes, it's trivial."

[Jimmy Snyder]

1 millionth of a greeting?

[micromass]

1 millionth of a greeting?

A microwave! :biggrin:

[jtbell]

9 x 10-9 musical instruments = 1 nanononet

If only Luigi Nono (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Luigi_Nono) had written one... :frown:

[QuarkCharmer]

If only Luigi Nono (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Luigi_Nono) had written one... :frown:

If it wasn't limited to musical instruments you could say it's equal to 1 nanonona

"It can be proven...", and the conversions are the best things I have read all day. Thanks

Also:

10^9 Giants = 1 Gigagigas's

[AlephZero]

"Forestry commision to axe 250 posts in England".
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-13540428

I thought they used chainsaws not axes these days :rolleyes:

[AlephZero]

If only Luigi Nono (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Luigi_Nono) had written one... :frown:

Sounds more like a Ligeti joke to me. I guess http://www.artnotart.com/fluxus/gligeti-poemesymphonique.html lasts for 0.1 kiloticks.

[Gad]

A microwave! :biggrin:

I believe it's a nanowave, micromass. :biggrin:

Opps! I somehow read it 1 billionth of a greeting. Ghah, I need to sleep

[jtbell]

Sounds more like a Ligeti joke to me. I guess http://www.artnotart.com/fluxus/gligeti-poemesymphonique.html lasts for 0.1 kiloticks.

Would you believe I actually have a recording of that piece? :uhh: Or that there's a whole slew of YouTube videos?

J-mEKnWU19s

[AlephZero]

Would you believe I actually have a recording of that piece? :uhh: Or that there's a whole slew of YouTube videos?


Why would I disbelieve it? He was first class practical joker, as well as having some of his stuff hijacked for film soundtracks like Kubrick's "2001".

Another Ligeti story was an early performance of his organ work "Volumina", which at one point requires the performer to press down and hold as many notes as possible, using all available body parts. This exceeded the design capability of the organ's blowing system, which caught fire. Nobody panicked. The audience thought that smoke pouring out of every orrifice of the pipe organ was just part of the performance.

[HeLiXe]

:rofl::rofl::rofl:
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-o73iMjStevY/TbwT0j6mkLI/AAAAAAAAF-g/8VKdY70EWTs/s1600/animals_rolodexes_crackpot_1260065.jpg

[HeLiXe]

These crackpot cartoons are killing me LOLOL:rofl:
http://www.cartoonstock.com/newscartoons/cartoonists/rma/lowres/rman2489l.jpg

[MartinJH]

As requested, I apologise for not posting here. I'll get the hang of this forum one day :D.


A Cajun named, Jean Paul, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well, then, just give me my money back."

"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

"OK, then. Just unload the donkey."

"What ya gonna do with him?"

"I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 hundred tickets at two dollars apiece, and made a profit of $898."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."


_______________________________________________


A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, ask me again and I'll nail your beak to the bar you irritating bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?

[Gad]

:rofl::cry::rofl:

[dkotschessaa]

Did you hear the one about the statistician?

[Gad]

Yes! :biggrin:

[dkotschessaa]

lol. The answer I was expecting was "probably." But that'll do.

[Isaacsname]

Best time to go to the dentist ?

... 2:30

[DaveC426913]

Best time to go to the dentist ?

... 2:30

:rofl: subtle...

[dkotschessaa]

http://spikedmath.com/comics/001-alex-was-having-second-thoughts.png

[Gad]

Hahaaa.... Hmm, tan2x + 1 = 1/cos2x.......:uhh:

[Gad]

An experimental physicist visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor: "This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old... Where did you get this exact information?"
"I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old." :biggrin:

[Lancelot59]

Hahaaa.... Hmm, tan2x + 1 = 1/cos2x.......:uhh:

Uh......yeah. That's creepy.

[Borek]

An experimental physicist visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor: "This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old... Where did you get this exact information?"
"I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old." :biggrin:

This joke is 2 billions and 40 years old.

[Jimmy Snyder]

This joke is 2 billions and 40 years old.
:rofl:

[Gad]

This joke is 2 billions and 40 years old.

URGHHHH!!! You GREEN blue, hehe... What ever you say. :biggrin:

[Isaacsname]

" I was feeling randy, so I called my wife on the phone. " I says " Baby, I been thinking about you, I want to make love ."....

.. she says ...." Who is this...? "

~ Rodney Dangerfield

[MartinJH]

Velcro..................what a ripoff.

[micromass]

True story (I think):

Hilbert had a student who one day presented him with a paper purporting to prove the Riemann Hypothesis. Hilbert studied the paper carefully and was really impressed by depth of the argument; but unfortunately he found an error in it which even he could not eliminate. The following year the student died. Hilbert asked the grieving parents if he might be permitted to make a funeral oration. While the student's relatives and friends were weeping beside the grave in the rain, Hilbert came forward. He began by saying what a tragedy it was that such a gifted young man had died before he had had an opportunity to show what he could accomplish. But, he continued, in spite of the fact that this young man's proof of the Riemann Hypothesis contained an error, it was still possible that some day a proof of the famous problem would be obtained along the lines which the deceased had indicated. "In fact," he continued with enthusiasm, standing there in the rain by the dead student's grave, "let us consider a function of a complex variable...."

[l470594464]

Well, the first page's jokes are really hard to understand,though I'm Chinese....

[Char. Limit]

Why can't you teach a horse to graph?

Because you can't put Descartes before a horse.

Which only means that he can't graph Cartesian coordinates. Horses are just fine with polar graphs.

[Borg]

Well, the first page's jokes are really hard to understand,though I'm Chinese....
FYI, you shouldn't post your SSN on the internet.

[Jimmy Snyder]

Which only means that he can't graph Cartesian coordinates. Horses are just fine with polar graphs.
Bears perhaps, but surely not horses.

[Andre]

No Bears need hunny coordinates.

http://pirun.ku.ac.th/~b5002160/pooh_honey_1024.jpg

[IMP]

Before purchasing a bicycle, be sure to consider the color of the seat!!!



http://watercoolerlaughs.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/asian-bike-penis.jpeg




Hope this was okay, it is just a girl on a bike with an unfortunate choice of seat color...

[AlephZero]

Best time to go to the dentist ?

... 2:30

Shouldn't that be "before 2:30"??? :rolleyes:

[HeLiXe]

Hope this was okay, it is just a girl on a bike with an unfortunate choice of seat color...

:rofl:
The image loaded from top to bottom here and I was like, "she's pretty-WHOA-are they allowing this on PF-....oh... lolz"

[FtlIsAwesome]

I KNOW KARATE
And about 2 other Japanese words

[Lancelot59]

Before purchasing a bicycle, be sure to consider the color of the seat!!!

Hope this was okay, it is just a girl on a bike with an unfortunate choice of seat color...

I laughed.

[dkotschessaa]

Bears perhaps, but surely not horses.

It's a matter of degrees I think.

[Jimmy Snyder]

I KNOW KARATE
And about 2 other Japanese words
You probably know most of tsunami, sayonara, sake, tofu, sukiyaki. sushi, tempura, shogun, samurai, rickshaw, yen, sumo, bonsai, futon, kimono, kabuki, geisha, zen, and of course, the ever popular sport of beisubaru.

[IMP]

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast ‘The Flintstones’.

A spokesman for the channel said….

‘A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but
we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.’

[IMP]

An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing...

He asked the trainer that was nearby "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said "I would try the ATM in the lobby"

[Isaacsname]

Ever hear about the Buddhist vacuum cleaner ?

...It come with no attachments...

Goodnight folks !!

*falls off the edge of the stage into orchestral pit, has unfortunate accident with piccolo*

[DaveC426913]

Then the Buddhist goes up to a hot dog vendor and says "Make me one with everything..."

[Isaacsname]

Then the Buddhist goes up to a hot dog vendor and says "Make me one with everything..."

" dude what the hell are you talking about its just a simple question - and don't be all MR. Braveheart ish talker over the internet its a simple question - OK at 12:00 clock whats up in the southwest. is that to your stuck up likings - don't be such an A-hole dude - some beginners might wanna learn from your ever so awesome knowledge - what are you like Napoleon dynamite or something???? "

:rofl: That got me.

........dude

[xunxine]

Best time to go to the dentist ?

... 2:30
Shouldn't that be "before 2:30"??? :rolleyes:

I don't get it... :confused:

[QuarkCharmer]

I don't get it... :confused:

I think it's like "Tooth Hurty"

[DaveC426913]

" dude what the hell are you talking about its just a simple question - and don't be all MR. Braveheart ish talker over the internet its a simple question - OK at 12:00 clock whats up in the southwest. is that to your stuck up likings - don't be such an A-hole dude - some beginners might wanna learn from your ever so awesome knowledge - what are you like Napoleon dynamite or something???? "

:rofl: That got me.

........dude

:biggrin: good times, good times

[mishrashubham]

Ever hear about the Buddhist vacuum cleaner ?

...It come with no attachments...

Goodnight folks !!

*falls off the edge of the stage into orchestral pit, has unfortunate accident with piccolo*

Then the Buddhist goes up to a hot dog vendor and says "Make me one with everything..."

Please, you might hurt someone's religious sentiments.

[DaveC426913]

Please, you might hurt someone's religious sentiments.
I dunno, I think in order to hurt someone's sentiments, it would have to be a disparaging comment or slur. One would have to be overly sensitive to take offense simply with the reference of a religion in a joke.

[dkotschessaa]

If a Buddhist gets offended by a joke about Buddhism, then they are not doing very well in their practice. (I say that as a Buddhist).

Actually the joke just represents a fallacy about Buddhist doctrine which doesn't actually teach about "being one with" anything. It is more akin to Vedic (Hindu) teachings.

Sorry about the tangent, I shall go out with a lame joke:

Three statisticians went duck hunting and finally came across a duck. The first one shot at it but aimed too high and missed. Then the second one shot but aimed too low and missed. The third one jumped up and down all excited and yelled "We hit it we hit it!!!!"

[DaveC426913]

If a Buddhist gets offended by a joke about Buddhism, then they are not doing very well in their practice. (I say that as a Buddhist).

Actually the joke just represents a fallacy about Buddhist doctrine which doesn't actually teach about "being one with" anything. It is more akin to Vedic (Hindu) teachings.

Sorry about the tangent, I shall go out with a lame joke:

Three statisticians went duck hunting and finally came across a duck. The first one shot at it but aimed too high and missed. Then the second one shot but aimed too low and missed. The third one jumped up and down all excited and yelled "We hit it we hit it!!!!"

I don't get it. :frown:

(But you should avoid telling jokes about statisticians lest they get offended. :wink:)

[Gad]

Three statisticians went duck hunting and finally came across a duck. The first one shot at it but aimed too high and missed. Then the second one shot but aimed too low and missed. The third one jumped up and down all excited and yelled "We hit it we hit it!!!!"


:rofl:

[DaveC426913]

:rofl:

drizzle laughing made me re-examine the joke. I did not realize at first that there was no third shot - I just unconsciously inserted that part myself.

Now I get it.

[Gad]

The good thing about statisticians jokes is you don't expect it. :biggrin:

[Jimmy Snyder]

If a Buddhist gets offended by a joke about Buddhism, then they are not doing very well in their practice. (I say that as a Buddhist).

Actually the joke just represents a fallacy about Buddhist doctrine which doesn't actually teach about "being one with" anything. It is more akin to Vedic (Hindu) teachings.
This reminds me of Dolly Parton's joke

I'm not offended by all the dumb blond jokes because I know I'm not dumb and I also know I'm not really blond.

[dkotschessaa]

A Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you." So I didn't.

[HeLiXe]

Three statisticians went duck hunting and finally came across a duck. The first one shot at it but aimed too high and missed. Then the second one shot but aimed too low and missed. The third one jumped up and down all excited and yelled "We hit it we hit it!!!!"

OMG LOLOLOLOLOL This is the best lol

[HeLiXe]

Then the Buddhist goes up to a hot dog vendor and says "Make me one with everything..."

:rofl: I have a couple of Buddhist friends who will love this one! * calls them *

[dkotschessaa]

Of course many people know the (Sometimes quoted as Buddhist, sometimes other) parable of the Three Blind Men and the Elephant. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blind_men_and_an_elephant)

But there is also the story of the three blind elephants, who were having a disagreement as to what a man looked like. The first elephant felt the man with his leg

"Man is flat."

The other two elephants touch the man as well and agree.

-DaveK

[xunxine]

I think it's like "Tooth Hurty"

I see... Thanks! :smile:

How about this one? :biggrin:
http://edvantage.com.sg/edvantage/photos/661116/Bad_English_at_Asia_s_airports.html

[DaveC426913]

:rofl: I have a couple of Buddhist friends who will love this one! * calls them *

Only if they're less than, like, 20 years old. It's been around a long time. All did was dust it off and rub it on my shirt to give it a bit of a shine. :smile:

[Drakkith]

[FONT="Microsoft Sans Serif"]As requested, I apologise for not posting here. I'll get the hang of this forum one day :D.


A Cajun named, Jean Paul, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well, then, just give me my money back."

"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

"OK, then. Just unload the donkey."

"What ya gonna do with him?"

"I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 hundred tickets at two dollars apiece, and made a profit of $898."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

This looks like a joke AND a business opportunity to me...

[HeLiXe]

Only if they're less than, like, 20 years old. It's been around a long time. All did was dust it off and rub it on my shirt to give it a bit of a shine. :smile:
LOL They're 23 and 24, they didn't get back to me yet tho...I hope they haven't heard it before :tongue2:

[DaveC426913]

Of course many people know the (Sometimes quoted as Buddhist, sometimes other) parable of the Three Blind Men and the Elephant. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blind_men_and_an_elephant)

But there is also the story of the three blind elephants, who were having a disagreement as to what a man looked like. The first elephant felt the man with his leg

"Man is flat."

The other two elephants touch the man as well and agree.

-DaveK

:rofl: That's a hilarious sequel to the three blind men parable.

[Borek]

LOL They're 23 and 24, they didn't get back to me yet tho...I hope they haven't heard it before :tongue2:

The joke is now 20 years 29 hours old.

[DaveC426913]

The joke is now 20 years 29 hours old.

:rofl:

[dkotschessaa]

LOL They're 23 and 24, they didn't get back to me yet tho...I hope they haven't heard it before :tongue2:

They've likely heard it more than once. :)

[dkotschessaa]

But here's a really obscure Tibetan oriented one that isn't so moldy, though perhaps a bit long.

Dakinis in Tibet

The members of the Explorers' Club gathered at their meetinghouse one evening to find Sir Ferdinand Feghoot sipping abrandy while leaning gingerly against the fireplace mantel.

"Ferdinand, old boy," shouted Sir Roger, "Back so soon fromthe Peoples' Republic? Sit down and tell us all about it."

Sir Ferdinand grimaced. "I'd rather NOT sit down, Roggie oldboy. But, yes, my mission to China was a success. Not to China, rather, but to old Tibet, the roof of the world,shamelessly annexed by the Red Chinese."

"What brought you to such a cold, inhospitable place," askedSir Thomas. "Searching for ancient Buddhist Sutras? Orperhaps on the trail of the Abominable Snowman?"

"They're called Yetis, these days, Tommie," repliedFerdinand, "But, no, I was invited to help exorcize anabandoned Buddhist temple. My friend Lama Mipham was allowedto restore a long unused temple by the Chinese government. Not for worship, you understand, but as a museum to further extol the glories of the People's Republic. Lama Mipham felt that even for his people merely to have access to the art and architectural treasures stored therein would help prevent thefurther loss of their traditions. "But imagine his surprise, as he began clearing the temple,at being physically attacked!"

"By brigands?" asked Sir Rupert, "Temple robbers, pryingloose rubies as big as your fist, that were used as third-eyeornaments in enormous idols?"

"Lama Mipham is an expert martial artist," Feghootexplained. "He could deal with common criminals. No, he was attacked by supernatural defenders of the faith. Dakinis.

""Dakinis?" all the club members muttered in disbelief. "Yes. It means 'skywalker,' you know. Ghostly women, of allsizes, skin colors, some with animal heads, each armed with amystical weapon that produces very real physical damage."

"No wonder this monk fellow asked for your assistance," said Sir Edmund, "You're well known as an accomplished exorcist. Do sit down and elaborate."

Once again, Feghoot demurred. "I'll not be sitting down forquite a while, I'm afraid. But I rushed to the temple, armed with holy water, and a nasty three-sided dagger called a'purba' that can pierce ghostly flesh."

"How exciting," whispered Sir Oscar.

"No sooner did Lama Mipham and I enter the temple, than a huge, lion-headed, dark green Dakini with a head-choppingsword gave an ear-shattering shriek. Lama Mipham splashed holy water on her, and she vanished.

"Then a giantess, at least 12 feet tall, a red skinned Dakini, hurled an arm-binding noose over us, but as she drewus forward I stabbed her with the 'purba,' and she vanished.

"Next, a hugely obese dakini, blue-black with flames coming out of every pore hurled a shoulder-piercing trident at LamaMipham, but he ducked, and countered by chanting the weapon mantra, 'PHAT!' and she vanished."

"Insulted, I should guess," chuckled Sir Bernard.

"Well, to make a long story shorter," concluded Sir Ferdinand, "There were dozens of dakinis, but Lama Mipham andI vanquished every one of them, although one of diminutivesize (no bigger than my thumb) and saffron hue managed to avoid my attention and wounded me in an embarrassing part of my anatomy." Sir Harold gasped. "You mean..."

Feghoot nodded. . . .

"She was an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny,yellow, poke-a-butt Dakini."

[DaveC426913]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him

That's right. He's a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[DaveC426913]

Have you heard about the man who got the job driving the bus for Sesame Street?

He was really looking forward to meeting all the Sesame St. characters, and so he was filled with great anticipation his first day on the job. As he stood outside the bus waiting for his riders to begin to arrive, the first person he saw approaching the bus was an *extremely* large woman. Before she boarded the bus, he asked her her name. Huffing and puffing from the exertion of walking, she replied, "My name is Patty." "Well, Patty, climb on board. We'll be leaving shortly." The next passenger, a man just as big as the woman, was wearing a large green suit. When asked his name by the new driver, he replied with a noticeable accent, "My name is Patrick...I'm Irish, you know. My friends all call me 'Patty'." "Patty, meet Patty. You two can get to know each other while I await several more passengers that I see coming."

As the new driver stood there, he found himself thinking, "Where are Bert and Ernie???" The next passenger was a little retarded boy. "Hi, little boy. What's your name?" "My name is Ross, and my parents tell me I'm special." "Ross, I'm really glad to have a nice boy like you ride on my bus today. Climb on, and we'll leave in just a minute." The last person to approach the bus was a really strange looking man. "Hello, sir. What's your name?" In a surly manner he answered, "My name is Lester T!" "Well, Lester, we're about to leave so please have a seat."

The driver was despondent, "I thought I was going to meet Big Bird and Cookie Monster!!!" As he was pulling away from the curb, he looked in his rear view mirror. Much to his horror, he saw Lester sitting there with his shoe off, picking at a bump on his big toe.

When the bus driver finished his route, he was asked how his day was by one of his co-workers.

“It reminded me of McDonalds” said the bus driver. Two obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester T picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus.

[HeLiXe]

The joke is now 20 years 29 hours old.

And it's still younger than you :tongue2:

[dkotschessaa]

“It reminded me of McDonalds” said the bus driver. Two obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester T picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus.

wow. Just wow.

[micromass]

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician were asked to hammer a nail into a wall.
The engineer went to build a Universal Automatic Nailer -- a device able to hammer every possible nail into every possible wall.
The physicist conducted series of experiments on strength of hammers, nails, and walls and developed a revolutionary technology of ultra-sonic nail hammering at super-low temperature.
The mathematician generalized the problem to a N dimensional problem of penetration of a knotted one dimensional nail into a N-1 dimensional hyper-wall. Several fundamental theorems are proved. Of course, the problem is too rich to suggest a possibility of a simple solution, even the existence of a solution is far from obvious.

[micromass]

There's a mathematician whose non-mathematician friends are constantly ribbing him because his field is just so abstract and seems to have no relevance to the real world. One day, it gets to him, and he resolves to arm himself with some practical applications of research mathematics for the next encounter. He realizes that his own specialty (mathematical logic) is probably too far beyond them to be of any use there, so he goes to the department bulletin board to find an upcoming talk about something practical. Luckily, a talk is scheduled that afternoon on "the theory of gears." "Perfect!" he says. Nothing could be more practical, more down-to-earth. Finally, he'll be able to prove to his friends that mathematics is relevant to the real world. That afternoon, he's so excited that he goes to the talk five minutes early and sits in the first row of seats. Then, at the scheduled time, the speaker stands up and begins: "While the theory of gears with real numbers of teeth is well understood...."

[I like Serena]

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician were asked to hammer a nail into a wall.

LOL
Knowing you, I expected a punch line where the mathematician would come out best! :wink:

[micromass]

LOL
Knowing you, I expected a punch line where the mathematician would come out best! :wink:

Hey, I love to make fun of mathematicians :biggrin:

[micromass]

Fine, here is one where the math guy "wins" :biggrin:

One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician and asked them to fence of the largest possible area with the least amount of fence.
The engineer made the fence in a circle and proclaimed that he had the most efficient design.
The physicist made a long, straight line and proclaimed "We can assume the length is infinite..." and pointed out that fencing off half of the Earth was certainly a more efficient way to do it.
The Mathematician just laughed at them. He built a tiny fence around himself and said "I declare myself to be on the outside."

[I like Serena]

What happened to a "point" fence? :confused:

[micromass]

What happened to a "point" fence? :confused:

Or the imaginary fence :biggrin:

[I like Serena]

What happened to a "point" fence? :confused:

Or the imaginary fence :biggrin:

Ah, I just thought it typical that the mathematician would "waste" some fence just to be able to exclude himself from the rest of the world! :wink:

And perhaps we should include a philosopher saying like: "Imagine we had a fence...".

Edit: Actually, the straight line from the physicist is off (I love physics!). That's more something a philosopher would say. ;)

[OmCheeto]

I once made the mistake of jokingly asking my Christian friend if they still believed in creationism.

He said; "Yes. Except in your case."

[dkotschessaa]

Saw this on a T-shirt today. I'm finding math jokes funny at the moment...

http://media3.teenormous.com/items/www.snorgtees.com/images-CantTouchEquation_Fullpic_1.gif

I know. Lame!

[IMP]

You don't need a parachute to skydive, you only need a parachute to skydive twice.

[IMP]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me, though... It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day this 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister!

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door...

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

But, lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me, and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!

[DaveC426913]

A traveling salesman had his car break down on a country road at night in a rainstorm. He trudged a few miles until he came upon a farm. He knocked on the door of the farmhouse and an old man answered. He asked if he could stay the night.

The farmer said: "Well, my beautiful sex-hungry young wife died last year, and I have a voluptuous teenaged daughter but she has cold sores and terrible body odor so she sleeps in the barn. So, actually, there's plenty of room for you to come in and sleep."

The salesman turned around and started back out into the rain.

The farmer called after him "Where you going? Didn't I tell you I have plenty of room?"

The salesman called back over his shoulder "Thanks, but I think I'm in the wrong joke."

[Borek]

Protons have mass? I didn't even know that they were Catholic.

[dkotschessaa]

Q: How does a mathematician induce good behavior in her children?
A: "If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."

[Isaacsname]

A priest was running from a Lion at full speed, then he stopped, got to his knees and started praying,

" Our father who art in heaven, please convert this lion into a Christian so he won't eat me. "

when the Lion saw this, he stopped and started praying, " Our father who art in heaven, bless this food which I am about to receive. "

:rolleyes:

[Isaacsname]

At the end of the tax year, the Inland Revenue office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the agent was checking the books he turned to the Accountant of the Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the Accountant. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster
purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Hospital Accountant, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Accountant.

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Accountant. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Inland Revenue Office, and about once a year they send us a complete pr*ck!"

[Nikitin]

i was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and i had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me, though... It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and i always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day this 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when i arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before i got married and committed my life to her sister!

Well, i was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "i'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

i was stunned and frozen in shock as i watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door...

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

But, lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me, and said, "we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

and the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!

ahahaha I love this, hilarious!!

[IMP]

The difference between women and men, explained:


Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting strange. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset by the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong;

He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.

He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.

But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.


Husband's Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.

[Gad]

:rofl:

[IMP]

A repeat but worth it:

A Letter to the Men's Help Line:

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night I hid in the shed behind the boat. About midnight she came home and got out of someone's car while buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

[Char. Limit]

A repeat but worth it:

A Letter to the Men's Help Line:

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night I hid in the shed behind the boat. About midnight she came home and got out of someone's car while buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

Don't worry, it can be welded.

[jtbell]

What does a snail say while riding a turtle?

"Whee!"

[dkotschessaa]

What does a snail say while riding a turtle?

"Whee!"

I love those kinda jokes.

[Lancelot59]

I moustache you a question. But I'll shave it for later.

[HeLiXe]

The difference between women and men, explained

OMG this was soooo good!

[Lancelot59]

I came across this earlier today:

http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/demotivational-posters-seems-legit7.jpg

[BobG]

I came across this earlier today:



The funniest thing about that is the time I spent trying to figure out whether that was first base, second base, or third base. I had to look at it for a bit before I realized it was a mattress. It made a lot more sense, then.

[dkotschessaa]

The funniest thing about that is the time I spent trying to figure out whether that was first base, second base, or third base. I had to look at it for a bit before I realized it was a mattress. It made a lot more sense, then.

Well we used to call that a home run I believe...

[Lancelot59]

Well we used to call that a home run I believe...

Correct, although the definitions have changed a little. See Urban Dictionary.

[claire-maree]

what do you call a sick crocidile?
an illigator

[claire-maree]

I came across this earlier today:

http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/demotivational-posters-seems-legit7.jpg

that is crazy

[claire-maree]

why do gorillias have big nostrils?

because they have big fingers.
:yuck:

[IMP]

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a great personality."

[IMP]

A woman, three months pregnant, falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakens and asks the nearest doctor about the fate of her baby.

"You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine," says the doctor. "Luckily, your brother named them for you."

"Oh no, not by brother! He's an idiot! What did he call the girl?"

"Denise," the doctor replies.

Thinking that isn't so bad, she asks, "And what did he call the boy?"

The doctor answers, "Denephew."

[Adyssa]

Two Mexicans have been lost in the desert for weeks. At death's door, they see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer, they see that it's draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon: smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving nearly-raw juicy bacon, all sorts of bacon.

"Hey, Pepe" says the first Mexican, "ees a bacon tree! We're saved!!"

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree. As he gets to within five feet, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets.

His friend drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"

With his last breath Pepe calls out:
"Ugh, run, amigo, run, ees not a bacon tree... ... ees a ham bush!"

[Ivan Seeking]

My mother called me last week and was saying that with dad gone now, she needs a new purpose. With the understanding that this sort of smart*** response strikes at the core of her sense of humor, I sent her this. She loved it.

http://blackberryavenuegiftshoppe.com/38996.jpg

[DaveC426913]

OK...

Two years ago, my hallowe'en costume consisted of a business suit - not one I wore, but one I carried on a hanger. The pants had the "legs" split and then re-sewn together into a single fat "fuselage". The jacket had a vertical slit in the back with a large hole between the shoulder blades.

When anyone asked me about my costume, I would look at it, shrug and say...

"I know it's not much. But it suits my porpoise."

[OmCheeto]

With the understanding that this sort of smart*** response strikes at the core of her sense of humor, I sent her this. She loved it.

Ditto the time I asked a friend what she wanted for Christmas, and told me she wanted "World Peace". :rolleyes:

Oooookkkkkayyyyyy..........

http://home.europa.com/~garry/whirled-peas.jpg

[gatztopher]

<deadpan>Get ready, we're about to arrive at the Ha family reunion.</deadpan>

Did you hear about Porky Pig's Spanish, philosophical cousin, Porque?

I was at the department store, thinking about shoplifting a sweater. My logic was why swipe the card again, when I could swipe the cardigan.

I'm so good at martial arts, I can punch with my foot. *kicks*

[McLaren Rulez]

Who's in for a game of rape?

No? That's the spirit!

[DaveC426913]

Who's in for a game of rape?

No? That's the spirit!

This is funny how?

[Isaacsname]

What's the worst thing a sadist can do to a masochist ?

..pretend to enjoy it...:yuck:

[DaveC426913]

What's the worst thing a sadist can do to a masochist ?

..pretend to enjoy it...:yuck:
Uhh. Corrected:


What's the worst thing a masochist can do to a sadist ?

..pretend to enjoy it...


:wink:

[Isaacsname]

Uhh. Corrected:


What's the worst thing a masochist can do to a sadist ?

..pretend to enjoy it...


:wink:

Yes, but the masochist derives pleasure from thinking about the sadist getting off.

...wait...

Ok, forget it.

Did you hear about the leper who was playing poker ?

He threw his hand in.

[IMP]

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a penis is 3x the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. Women blink 2x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. A woman has read this entire post. The man is still looking at his thumb.

[Isaacsname]

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a penis is 3x the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. Women blink 2x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. A woman has read this entire post. The man is still looking at his thumb.

I guess shortening my fingers won't help ?

:cry:

[Char. Limit]

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a penis is 3x the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. Women blink 2x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. A woman has read this entire post. The man is still looking at his thumb.

...my god, that big huh?

*has huge thumbs*

[Ivan Seeking]

Which joint of the thumb do you use as a reference?

[WhoWee]

Which joint of the thumb do you use as a reference?

My thumb's been numb for about a week - NOW - I'm worried about it.

[Char. Limit]

Which joint of the thumb do you use as a reference?

I was going all the way from nail-tip to the second joint. Which I checked, and it's accurate... well, kinda. A little on the small side.

[IMP]

I was going all the way from nail-tip to the second joint. Which I checked, and it's accurate... well, kinda. A little on the small side.

Good idea, think I am going to grow out my thumb nail. Will measure in a month or two...

[Ken Natton]

I must give all due credit here to Eddie Izzard from whom this gem is stolen. I trust that this is sufficiently obscure a location to repeat it not to undermine his opportunity to continue to use it in his live show.


It is clear that Jesus was actually God’s seventh son….

1. A-sus
2. B-sus
3. C-sus
4. D-sus
5. E-sus
6. F-sus
7. G-sus

[QuarkCharmer]

Consult a physician for thumbs-ups lasting more than 4 hours...

[Jayshardzz]

What the difference between a fly and a mosquito???


A: mosquito cn fly but fly cannt mosquito.....

[Jimmy Snyder]

The meanings of film ratings.

G - The hero gets the girl.
R - The bad guy gets the girl.
X - Everybody gets the girl.

[Ivan Seeking]

The meanings of film ratings.

G - The hero gets the girl.
R - The bad guy gets the girl.
X - Everybody gets the girl.

XX - The girl gets the girl

[IMP]

Rupert Murdoch was quoted today as saying he is deeply touched by all the messages of support left on Amy Winehouse's phone.

[Isaacsname]

What did the spider say to the fly ?

" Omnomnomnom "

What did the fly say to the spider ?

" Holy sh*t ! A talking spider !!"

[khemist]

Why did the white bear dissolve in water?

Because it was polar.

[Lancelot59]

Why did the white bear dissolve in water?

Because it was polar.

HA! That's both terrible and great at the same time.

[danyo]

So I told some physicists a Chemistry joke, but there was no reaction.

Now now, I'd tell more chemistry jokes, but the good ones are "Argon" =(

[genepool]

A chemist,an engineer and a lawyer are discussing their achievements together.
The chemist says "I crossed graphite and silicone and produced a revolutionary lubricant, made millions in sales"
The engineer says "I crossed titanium and aluminium to form an incredible lightweight material, made millions in patents"
The lawyer says "I crossed the street riding a bike and fell in a manhole, made millions suing the city"

[WhoWee]

A chemist,an engineer and a lawyer are discussing their achievements together.
The chemist says "I crossed graphite and silicone and produced a revolutionary lubricant, made millions in sales"
The engineer says "I crossed titanium and aluminium to form an incredible lightweight material, made millions in patents"
The lawyer says "I crossed the street riding a bike and fell in a manhole, made millions suing the city"

...and the Congressman standing nearby chimed in
"I promise the voters anything they want - and my pay and benefits are worth millions too".

[enigma]

What is it called when you have second thoughts about booking a trip to a Native American village?


A reservation reservation reservation

[Ivan Seeking]

A heart transplant patient was waiting for a donor heart. The doctor walks in one day and announces that they've found a heart! In fact two donor hearts had come available at the same time. The doctor explained that one was from an 19 year old athlete, and the other was from a 50 year old lawyer. Without hesistation, the patient declares that he wants the one from the lawyer. "Why?" asked the doctor. The lawyer was thirty years older than the athlete. And the athlete was in excellent shape". "Sure" said the patient, "but the heart from a lawyer is clearly the best choice - it has never been used".

[Isaacsname]

A chemist,an engineer and a lawyer are discussing their achievements together.
The chemist says "I crossed graphite and silicone and produced a revolutionary lubricant, made millions in sales"
The engineer says "I crossed titanium and aluminium to form an incredible lightweight material, made millions in patents"
The lawyer says "I crossed the street riding a bike and fell in a manhole, made millions suing the city"

Fitting that the suer falls into the sewer. :biggrin:

[qspeechc]

If you want lame...

Q: What do you do with a dog with no legs?
A: Take it for a drag.

So Arnold Schwartzenneger (who really knows how to spell it anyway) is cast in a new Hollywood movie as a famous composer. The directors ask Arnold who he would like to play.

Directors: So, Arnold, would you like to be Mozart?

Arnold: Nein!

D: Beethoven?

A: Nein!

D: Tchaikovsky?

A: Nein!

D: Then who would you like to play?

A: I'll be Bach!

(Ahem)

[Char. Limit]

If you want lame...

Q: What do you do with a dog with no legs?
A: Take it for a drag.

So Arnold Schwartzenneger (who really knows how to spell it anyway) is cast in a new Hollywood movie as a famous composer. The directors ask Arnold who he would like to play.

Directors: So, Arnold, would you like to be Mozart?

Arnold: Nein!

D: Beethoven?

A: Nein!

D: Tchaikovsky?

A: Nein!

D: Then who would you like to play?

A: I'll be Bach!

(Ahem)

Schwarzenegger. It's easy if you know German.

[jtbell]

Did you know that a certain cosmetics firm once used traces of rare-earth elements in their perfumes? One of their advertising slogans was "Promethium anything, but give her Arpége."

[Jimmy Snyder]

Growing older is weird. I told my wife I have never been bald before and she showed me a few new wrinkles.

[Isaacsname]

If you want lame...

Q: What do you do with a dog with no legs?
A: Take it for a drag.

So Arnold Schwartzenneger (who really knows how to spell it anyway) is cast in a new Hollywood movie as a famous composer. The directors ask Arnold who he would like to play.

Directors: So, Arnold, would you like to be Mozart?

Arnold: Nein!

D: Beethoven?

A: Nein!

D: Tchaikovsky?

A: Nein!

D: Then who would you like to play?

A: I'll be Bach!

(Ahem)

Amadeus, don't tread on me.

(Ahem, get it ? )

:biggrin:

[Isaacsname]

Amadeus, don't tread on me.

(Ahem, get it ? )

:biggrin:

" I'm a dais, don't tread on me " :redface:

Ok...what do you call a fish with no eyes ?

....fssshhh:yuck:

[Lancelot59]

" I'm a dais, don't tread on me " :redface:

Ok...what do you call a fish with no eyes ?

....fssshhh:yuck:

HA! I get it...

[DaveC426913]

" I'm a dais, don't tread on me " :redface:

What's a dais?

[EDIT] Huh. I always assumed it was spelled dias, since that's the way I pronounce it.

Anyway, OK, that's lame.

[IMP]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.


The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.


The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.


Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.


As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.


Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wipe your nose and then shudder violently. Are you OK?"


"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."


The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"




The woman nodded, "Pepper."

[Jimmy Snyder]

That reminds me of this quote:

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.

[FlexGunship]

Okay, all... this is a JOKE; a Jackie Martling original. That's my disclaimer. Done.

This guy walks into a pub and sees a turtle on the bar. The turtle looks old, beaten, and is covered in bandages; just completely wrapped up. The guy walks over to the bar and asks the bartender: "What's with the turtle?"

The bartender replies: "Well, that's the fastest turtle in the world, right there. If you've got a dog, bring him in, I'll bet you $100 my turtle can cross the room faster than your dog."

Well, the guy thinks $100 is a lot of money, but there's no way a turtle is faster than his dog and, worst case, he sees a freakishly fast turtle. He leaves the bar and brings his dog back and they set up for the race.

The bartender holds his turtle in front of him with two hands and the guy holds his dog back by the collar with two hands. The bartender says: "3... 2... 1... GO!"

And on "GO", the man releases his dog, and the bartender punts the turtle across the room.

[Isaacsname]

Roses are red
Violets are blue
...ws gng t fnsh ths pm bt smbdy stl th vwls frm m kbrd...fck

[Lancelot59]

Roses are red
Violets are blue
...ws gng t fnsh ths pm bt smbdy stl th vwls frm m kbrd...fck

On that subject:
http://chzragecomics.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/rage-comics-not-even-a-kiss.jpg

[gravenewworld]

http://sotak.info/sci.jpg

[DaveC426913]

On that subject:
http://chzragecomics.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/rage-comics-not-even-a-kiss.jpg

I just don't get these. I never think these are funny.

[Evo]

http://sotak.info/sci.jpgThat's great!

[Isaacsname]

Brace yourself..:tongue2:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEPPbONFXYc

[DaveC426913]

Brace yourself..:tongue2:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEPPbONFXYc

OK. I'm braced...

[Isaacsname]

Well, that was anticlimactic. I was trying to post some nice relaxing tunes.

:rolleyes:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEPPbONFXYc

[FeDeX_LaTeX]

When is a function not a function?

When it's the Dirac delta function.

[jtbell]

Did you hear about the psychiatrist and the proctologist who opened a joint practice? They called it "Odds and Ends."

[Isaacsname]

Did you hear about the psychiatrist and the proctologist who opened a joint practice? They called it "Odds and Ends."

I can see how that would work.

I would need some therapy after a visit with the proctologist. :tongue:

[Ivan Seeking]

Did you hear about the psychiatrist and the proctologist who opened a joint practice? They called it "Odds and Ends."

Heads or tails?

Have you ever wondered what drives a person to become a proctologist? When I was a kid, I liked playing with engines and electronics, my chemistry set, and anything that looked technical. This was certainly predictive of my future interests. As for proctologists, what did they play with as kids?

Here kitty kitty kitty?

[Ivan Seeking]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wipe your nose and then shudder violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

I laughed when I read this.

Whenever I talk with my elderly mother I try to have a joke at the ready to cheer her up. She loves a good joke. I considered telling her this one but thought it was a bit on the dicey side. However, my mother has never been a shrinking violet, and when we spoke she was feeling a bit depressed, so I decided to give it a go. I hardly got started when she interrupted me saying that she's heard it before - from a priest!

[DaveC426913]

Did you hear about the psychiatrist and the proctologist who opened a joint practice? They called it "Odds and Ends."

So this gynaecologist decides he wants to become an engine mechanic... :smile:

[BobG]

Heads or tails?

Have you ever wondered what drives a person to become a proctologist? When I was a kid, I liked playing with engines and electronics, my chemistry set, and anything that looked technical. This was certainly predictive of my future interests. As for proctologists, what did they play with as kids?

Here kitty kitty kitty?

When people at a party find out you're an engineer, they usually say they thought about becoming an engineer, but decided not to because they weren't any good at math. I wonder what they say when they find out a person is a proctologist? (probably not "Let me shake your hand!")

[FlexGunship]

When people at a party find out you're an engineer, they usually say they thought about becoming an engineer, but decided not to because they weren't any good at math. I wonder what they say when they find out a person is a proctologist?

"Oh, you're a proctologist? I never, even for a brief glimmer of a moment, remotely considered becoming a proctologist."

[Borek]

otcVrKomXbk

[Ivan Seeking]

otcVrKomXbk

Poor proctologists; always the butt of the joke.

If you want to logon to the proctologists network, just type C: [Enter]

[Isaacsname]

The Redneck Medical Dictionary:

Artery- The study of paintings.
Bacteria- Back door to cafeteria.
Barium- What doctors do when patients die.
Benign- What you be after you be eight.
Catscan- Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize- Made eye contact with her.
Cesarean Section- A neighborhood in Rome.
Colic- A sheep dog.
Coma- A punctuation mark.
D&C- Where Washington is.
Dilate- To live long.
Enema- Not a friend.
Fester- Quicker than someone else.
Fibula- A small lie.
Genital- Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series- World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail- What you hang your coat on.
Impotent- Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain- Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff- A Doctor's cane.
Morbid- A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates- Cheaper than day rates.
Node- I knew it.
Outpatient- A person who has fainted.
Ovaries- You get to try again.
Pap Smear- A fatherhood test.
Pelvis- Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative- A letter carrier.
Recovery Room- Place to do upholstery.
Rectum- Dang near killed him.
Secretion- Hiding something.
Seizure- Roman emperor.
Tablet- A small table.
Terminal Illness- Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor- More than one.
Urine- Opposite of you're out.
Varicose- Near by/close by.

[Ivan Seeking]

As a premed student at Washington University in St. Louis, I had to
take a difficult class in physics. One day our professor was
discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely
interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does
physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It usually keeps the idiots like you out of medical school," replied
the professor.
----

[jtbell]

Archduke Otto von Habsburg (http://www.economist.com/node/18956124), who died recently at the age of 98, was once told about an upcoming Austria-Hungary football (soccer) match. His response: "Who are we playing?"

[OmCheeto]

One of my facebook friends posted the following this morning:

Today my sweet little angle turns 9, Happy Birthday Ty!

My response:

Hes acute little angle. :)

:blushing:

[Char. Limit]

One of my facebook friends posted the following this morning:



My response:



:blushing:

I like this post.

[OmCheeto]

I like this post.

It's been 5 hours now, and no one has made comment about my joke.

You really need to marry your girlfriend, and have about between 5 million and 3 billion kids.

Otherwise......

[DaveC426913]

We get it. :biggrin:

[HeLiXe]

lolz

[Borek]

Actually I didn't get it till this morning, so I couldn't comment on earlier.

But now, that I know what I am commenting on, I like it.

[OmCheeto]

Actually I didn't get it till this morning, so I couldn't comment on earlier.

But now, that I know what I am commenting on, I like it.

I can relate. I just now got jtbell's joke. It took me two days!:

Archduke Otto von Habsburg (http://www.economist.com/node/18956124), who died recently at the age of 98, was once told about an upcoming Austria-Hungary football (soccer) match. His response: "Who are we playing?"

[Ivan Seeking]

My eyes aren't so good anymore and at first I read a thread title in GD as "Boobs that changed your life". As I rushed to type the first of a hundred stories swirling in memory, I realized that the title was "Books that changed your life".

Well darn, that's not nearly as interesting.

[HeLiXe]

My eyes aren't so good anymore and at first I read a thread title in GD as "Boobs that changed your life"

:rofl::rofl: I don't even know what the rest of your post says lololll

[Borek]

When your wife tells you to switch roles in the bed, don't tell her you have a terrible headache.

[OmCheeto]

My eyes aren't so good anymore and at first I read a thread title in GD as "Boobs that changed your life". As I rushed to type the first of a hundred stories swirling in memory, I realized that the title was "Books that changed your life".

Well darn, that's not nearly as interesting.

I've always found malfunctioning senses to be quite entertaining. Yesterday, I heard a commercial on the radio selling a drug that cured puppiness. I thought to myself, "If rootX took that drug, would he disappear?"

yes. I know. Time to change the batteries....

[HeLiXe]

When your wife tells you to switch roles in the bed, don't tell her you have a terrible headache.
:rofl:

I love this lol

[WhoWee]

I am SPAM-free today - so far.

[DaveC426913]

When your wife tells you to switch roles in the bed...yes. I know. Time to change the batteries....


Did I get some wires crossed? Again?

[Isaacsname]

My eyes aren't so good anymore and at first I read a thread title in GD as "Boobs that changed your life". As I rushed to type the first of a hundred stories swirling in memory, I realized that the title was "Books that changed your life".

Well darn, that's not nearly as interesting.

Ahh yes. If there's one thing you can cling to in old age, it's the fond mammeries.

...err...fond memories.......of mammeries. :rolleyes:

[Ivan Seeking]

When your wife tells you to switch roles in the bed, don't tell her you have a terrible headache.

Tell her to pass the TV remote and make it fast... and the ceiling needs painting.

[Ivan Seeking]

:rofl::rofl: I don't even know what the rest of your post says lololll

I was just telling my wife about my error. She responded by saying "I can sure name a boob who changed my life!"

:uhh:

I don't think I like her tone. :confused:

[HeLiXe]

lloollol

[FlexGunship]

I've been holding this back... it might be in poor taste, but here goes... please no infractions.

Did you guys hear about the Exorcist movie? Yeah, they're going in a different direction with this one. This time a woman calls the devil to remove a priest from inside her son.

[jtbell]

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss bowling league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, and we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

[HeLiXe]

reminds me of myself :-p
http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/im_an_idiot.png

[FtlIsAwesome]

reminds me of myself :-p
http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/im_an_idiot.png
thumbs up! :biggrin:




----------

*employee #1 tied to missile*
Angry Boss: You're fired!
*presses launch button*
*turns to employee #2*
Angry Boss: You're fired! *torches him with a flamethrower*
*turns to #3*
Employee #3: Uuh, umm... eheh... I quit. *runs away as fast as he can*
Angry Boss: Hmm? I don't know what scared him so much. And I was gonna to give him a promotion, too.

[HeLiXe]

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/craigslist_apartments.png
:rofl: Free heat in short intense bursts :rofl::rofl:

[jtbell]

Ooh, Dogbert can do lame jokes, too:

http://dilbert.com/strips/comic/2011-08-27/

[HeLiXe]

reminds me of the lorax

[ThomasT]

A man who is having gas problems explains to his doctor that
every time he farts it sounds like honda.
The doctor does an examination and finds nothing wrong with the man.
As a last resort he looks into the patient's mouth and finally spots the
problem. "I'm sorry, you'll have to go to a dentist for your problem."
So the man goes to see his dentist. After a quick exam, the dentist
announces that the man has an abscess. "No problem, I'll
have you fit and without your embarrassing problem in a jiffy," says
the dentist.
Sure enough, the man's problem disappears and he no longer makes
farts that sound like a honda. The next week the man calls up the
dentist and thanks him for all he's done for him. But before he hangs up
he asks the dentist how he knew the problem was caused by an abscess.
The dentist replies, "It's easy. Everyone knows that an abscess
makes the fart go honda.

[Lancelot59]

A man who is having gas problems explains to his doctor that
every time he farts it sounds like honda.
The doctor does an examination and finds nothing wrong with the man.
As a last resort he looks into the patient's mouth and finally spots the
problem. "I'm sorry, you'll have to go to a dentist for your problem."
So the man goes to see his dentist. After a quick exam, the dentist
announces that the man has an abscess. "No problem, I'll
have you fit and without your embarrassing problem in a jiffy," says
the dentist.
Sure enough, the man's problem disappears and he no longer makes
farts that sound like a honda. The next week the man calls up the
dentist and thanks him for all he's done for him. But before he hangs up
he asks the dentist how he knew the problem was caused by an abscess.
The dentist replies, "It's easy. Everyone knows that an abscess
makes the fart go honda.
I don't get it.

[HeLiXe]

thumbs up! :biggrin:




----------

*employee #1 tied to missile*
Angry Boss: You're fired!
*presses launch button*
*turns to employee #2*
Angry Boss: You're fired! *torches him with a flamethrower*
*turns to #3*
Employee #3: Uuh, umm... eheh... I quit. *runs away as fast as he can*
Angry Boss: Hmm? I don't know what scared him so much. And I was gonna to give him a promotion, too.

lolololz maybe a promotion to the moon or something

[genepool]

I don't get it.

I didn't either at first.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Bit of a stretch.

[lisab]

I didn't either at first.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Bit of a stretch.

:rofl: well, it is in the Lame Jokes thread!

[Lancelot59]

I didn't either at first.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Bit of a stretch.

Maybe if you stretch it past the breaking point...but okay.

[ThomasT]

:rofl: well, it is in the Lame Jokes thread!Exactly. There are far to many clever and funny jokes in this thread imo.

[ThomasT]

This is especially for Lancelot59:

Dracula goes to Rome and checks into the Grand Italia Hotel.
The bellhop, after bringing in his coffin, asks if there is anything he
can do for him. Dracula says, "Yes, there is," and lunges for the boy's
throat. After draining the blood from him, Dracula throws the bellhop's
lifeless body out his bedroom window. The body lands on a policeman
stationed in front of the
hotel. The impact sends the policeman sprawling to the ground.
Meanwhile, Dracula still has not satisfied his bloodlust, so he goes
into the hotel's hallway and grabs a chambermaid. When finished with
her, he throws her drained body out the same window. This body, too,
lands on the unfortunate policeman, who has just managed to dust himself
off after the first assault. This time, however, he was knocked cold.
A half hour later the police commissioner arrives on the scene and
manages to get the unconscious officer back to his senses. "Officer
Vetillo, can you explain what is going on here?" the commissioner asks as
he looks at the dead drained bodies on the ground.
"I don't honestly know, sir. [Racial slur removed]"

[ThomasT]

A fellow goes to confession and tells the priest, "Father, I've
had an affair with another woman."
"I see," says the priest, looking very grave. "But, I cannot grant
you absolution until you tell me who she is."
"Well, okay, Father," says the guy somewhat reluctantly. "Her name
is Pussy Green, and she's a blonde and a knockout."
The following Sunday, this gorgeous blonde makes her way down the
aisle and into the front pew. The priest takes a few good looks and
finally asks the altar boy, "Son, is that Pussy Green?"
The altar boy stoops down and peers, then says, "No, Father, I think
that's just the reflection from the stained glass windows."

[Lancelot59]

This is especially for Lancelot59:

Dracula goes to Rome and checks into the Grand Italia Hotel.
The bellhop, after bringing in his coffin, asks if there is anything he
can do for him. Dracula says, "Yes, there is," and lunges for the boy's
throat. After draining the blood from him, Dracula throws the bellhop's
lifeless body out his bedroom window. The body lands on a policeman
stationed in front of the
hotel. The impact sends the policeman sprawling to the ground.
Meanwhile, Dracula still has not satisfied his bloodlust, so he goes
into the hotel's hallway and grabs a chambermaid. When finished with
her, he throws her drained body out the same window. This body, too,
lands on the unfortunate policeman, who has just managed to dust himself
off after the first assault. This time, however, he was knocked cold.
A half hour later the police commissioner arrives on the scene and
manages to get the unconscious officer back to his senses. "Officer
Vetillo, can you explain what is going on here?" the commissioner asks as
he looks at the dead drained bodies on the ground.
"I don't honestly know, sir. [Racial slur removed]"
Eh...I think I get it.

A fellow goes to confession and tells the priest, "Father, I've
had an affair with another woman."
"I see," says the priest, looking very grave. "But, I cannot grant
you absolution until you tell me who she is."
"Well, okay, Father," says the guy somewhat reluctantly. "Her name
is Pussy Green, and she's a blonde and a knockout."
The following Sunday, this gorgeous blonde makes her way down the
aisle and into the front pew. The priest takes a few good looks and
finally asks the altar boy, "Son, is that Pussy Green?"
The altar boy stoops down and peers, then says, "No, Father, I think
that's just the reflection from the stained glass windows."
I get it...

[FtlIsAwesome]

A creeper divided by zero.




2ENsPa6WX1E

[Borek]

There are two rules that lead to a success:
1. Never say everything you know.

[fuzzyfelt]

There are two rules that lead to a success:
1. Never say everything you know.

:biggrin: I didn't get it the first time I clicked on this thread. Luckily I accidentally clicked on it again!

[BobG]

A Colorado man whose foot was trapped under a trailer for almost 30 minutes freed himself by cutting off all five of his toes. He wrapped his foot up in his shirt and drove until his cell phone was finally able to receive a signal and then called an ambulance. He should have called a tow truck.

Montrose man cuts off toes to free foot from six ton trailer (http://www.nbc11news.com/home/headlines/Man_cuts_off_toes_with_pocket_knife_128822188.html )

[turbo]

A Colorado man whose foot was trapped under a trailer for almost 30 minutes freed himself by cutting off all five of his toes. He wrapped his foot up in his shirt and drove until his cell phone was finally able to receive a signal and then called an ambulance. He should have called a tow toe truck.

Fixed that for you.

[Isaacsname]

What's the difference between narcolepsy and ...ZZZzzzzzzZZzzzzzz....zzzzZZZzzzzzz

[HeLiXe]

lololz

[jtbell]

A man walks into a pet shop.

Says he: "I'd like to buy a frog."

Sales associate: "Yes, sir. Would you like flies with that?"

[leontd]

A caveman fought his way out of the cave when he heard "VOTE NOW FOR CHANGE"!

[HeLiXe]

A caveman fought his way out of the cave when he heard "VOTE NOW FOR CHANGE"!

I don't get it

[FizixFreak]

What did argon said to florine when she told him that he was very insensitive..........?

Argon simply didnt reacted:biggrin:

[HeLiXe]

lololz

[I like Serena]

lololz

You appear to react more than I would expect! :wink:

[HeLiXe]

lolollll in person people always tell me jokes because I laugh so much :biggrin:

[jobyts]

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persists and asks to see the manager.

The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some a$$hole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to & find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.' The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'

'Canada , sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Canada ?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'
'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada .'

'No shi*?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'

[BobG]

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'
'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada .'

'No shi*?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'

Somehow, the punch line was deleted. Who did she play for? Brampton (http://brampton.cwhl.ca/)?

Actually, I'm guessing the missing punch line is about driving Zambonis while drinking or about smoking cigars on the ice? (Just remembering the controversy over Canada's post-game celebration after beating the US in the Women's Olympic Gold Medal game).

And I think it's kind of poor taste to suggest that any Canadian woman that doesn't play hockey must be a whore. Maybe she was just paralyzed in an auto accident or something and isn't physically capable of playing hockey anymore.

[jobyts]

And I think it's kind of poor taste to suggest that any Canadian woman that doesn't play hockey must be a whore. Maybe she was just paralyzed in an auto accident or something and isn't physically capable of playing hockey anymore.

The fun part is how the boy was quickly able to come up with a statement that otherwise would have caused an awkward situation. It has nothing to do with Canada or whores or hockey.

I have a feeling that you didn't get the joke.

[BobG]

The fun part is how the boy was quickly able to come up with a statement that otherwise would have caused an awkward situation. It has nothing to do with Canada or whores or hockey.

I have a feeling that you didn't get the joke.

Good! Most people would think I was being obnoxiously obtuse! :rofl:

But it is humorous that the joke failed to understand just how many people in Canada do play hockey.

[Drakkith]

I've developed an equation that describes all extraterrestrial life. ET = 4n.

[lisab]

I've developed an equation that describes all extraterrestrial life. ET = 4n.

Would an extraterrestrial dog be 4nk9?

[Drakkith]

Would an extraterrestrial dog be 4nk9?

:rofl:

[QuarkCharmer]

I've developed an equation that describes all extraterrestrial life. ET = 4n.

I love it when I see this thread has been updated!

How about:
ET = 4nΩ

[Borek]

I've developed an equation that describes all extraterrestrial life. ET = 4n.

Would an extraterrestrial dog be 4nk9?

I am not sure I get it. I don't speak English, I only type.

Foreign canine?

[Char. Limit]

I am not sure I get it. I don't speak English, I only type.

Foreign canine?

Yup!

[Borek]

Wow, didn't know I am that good :uhh:

[LJW]

If a Higgs Boson occurs in a particle physics experiment, and no physicists evaluate the particle, does it exist?

Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar, and doesn't.

[lisab]

A screwdriver walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Did you know we have a drink named after you?" The screwdriver answers, "You have a drink named Steve?"

[rootX]

A screwdriver walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Did you know we have a drink named after you?" The screwdriver answers, "You have a drink named Steve?"

My favorite drink!! :approve:

[Buckethead]

There was a doctor who always went to the bar across the street to get his unusal, an almond daquari. One day the bartenter was out of almonds and thinking the doc wouldn't noticed whipped up a daquari made with hickory sticks. The doc was not easily fooled and upon asking if his drink was an almond daquari found the bartender responding apologetically "No, it a hickory daquari doc"

[QuarkCharmer]

What do chemists like?
Alkynes of things!

[novop]

So a guy walks into a quantum cafe and asks for a coffee with half a sugar in it...

[cobalt124]

A funeral procession drives slowly down a steep hill. Suddenly there is total brake failure on the hearse and it speeds out of control down the hill. The quick thinking eldest son of the deceased jumps out of his car, runs into a nearby chemists, runs up to to the counter and says "Quick, have you got something to stop me coffin!"

[jtbell]

From New Yorker magazine:

“We’ve agreed to count it as both a wave and a particle for tax purposes.” (http://blog.cartoonbank.com/2011/05/27/cartoon-of-the-day-547/)

[QuarkCharmer]

I thought of a particularly lame joke today and I wanted to share it with you all. At least it's an original one as far as I know.

What do physicists drink for any duration of time?

Δt, get it?

[micromass]

I thought of a particularly lame joke today and I wanted to share it with you all. At least it's an original one as far as I know.

What do physicists drink for any duration of time?

Δt, get it?

LOLOLOLOL :biggrin:

What does a physicist have when he broke up with his girlfriend for a while??

Delta ex

[QuarkCharmer]

LOLOLOLOL :biggrin:

What does a physicist have when he broke up with his girlfriend for a while??

Delta ex

http://images.icanhascheezburger.com/completestore/2009/3/11/128812761190384562.jpg

[QuarkCharmer]

LOLOLOLOL :biggrin:

What does a physicist have when he broke up with his girlfriend for a while??

Delta ex

Oh wait I have a better one:

When do they get back together?

When Δx=x_{0}, of course.

(Read "naught", but if you like the other way of saying it read on)



Did you know that a physicist worked on the first Mortal Kombat game as the lead character developer?

Originally there was only one character, _{0}.

[jtbell]

I swear, I saw this on TV just a few minutes ago, on NBC's Today show: a duck drinking ale in a pub in England.

How does he pay for it, I wonder? They must put it on his bill.

[FtlIsAwesome]

I've developed an equation that describes all extraterrestrial life. ET = 4n.
So you're eating foreign food. :tongue2:

[jobyts]

In a factory: A man standing on the floor and looking aimlessly.
CEO of that factory came and asked his salary... Man replied $2000 sir...
CEO took out his wallet & gave $6000 and told him "I pay people here to work and not to waste time... This is ur 3 months salary. Now get out of here. Dont come back".
That guy left.
CEO asked workers "who was that guy?"
Workers replied "courier boy sir"

Moral: Don't try to be strategic moron in every situation!

[HeLiXe]

So you're eating foreign food. :tongue2:

:rofl:

[Isaacsname]

Powers of ten parody, adults only, this means you should get out now..

I'm too dense to figure out embedding videos, deal with it.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VeSC75qBDXI&feature=player_embedded#!

[YummyFur]

Doctor: so when did you first realise you had diarrhoea.
Patient: when I took off my bicycle clips.

[jtbell]

After living in the jungle for several years, Lord Greystoke was finally captured by a tribe of cannibals who killed him and cut him up for stew. The tribe's head musician saved the stomach, tanned it, and used it for a drum head. He composed a song to celebrate his new instrument: "The Tarzan's Tripes Forever."

[QuarkCharmer]

Powers of ten parody, adults only, this means you should get out now..

I'm too dense to figure out embedding videos, deal with it.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VeSC75qBDXI&feature=player_embedded#!

That's crude but funny. We just watched the original video in a class not too long ago. I never knew that the nearest star was called Burning Hot Glow Ball.

[Drakkith]

Powers of ten parody, adults only, this means you should get out now..

I'm too dense to figure out embedding videos, deal with it.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VeSC75qBDXI&feature=player_embedded#!

Omg...so wrong...but so funny!

[HeLiXe]

I miss the mathematician jokes :biggrin:

[QuarkCharmer]

I miss the mathematician jokes :biggrin:

What do you call the ratio of a pigs length to the square root of the sum of it's height squared and length squared?

\frac{Pig_{length}}{\sqrt(Pig_{length}^{2}+Pig_{he ight}^{2})} = coswine

[micromass]

I miss the mathematician jokes :biggrin:

Enjoy:


How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?

None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
None. The answer is intuitively obvious.


How many numerical analysts does it take to change a light bulb?

3.9967 (after six iterations).

How many mathematical logicians does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They can't do it, but they can easily prove that itcan be done.

How many classical geometers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You can't do it with a straight edge and a compass.

How many analysts does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to prove existence, one to prove uniqueness and one to derive a nonconstructive algorithm to do it.

How many number theorists does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know the exact number, but I am sure it must be some rather elegant prime.

[Ivan Seeking]

How many PFers does it take to change a light bulb?

Ten members to debate the issue as a current event. Two moderators to ban the offending members. Two members to initiate debates on the choice of light bulbs. One member to start a thread complaining about CFs. Six members to debate the effects of lightbulb selection on the grid. Eight members to debate the philosophical implications of lightbulbs, changing lightbulbs, and the existance of lightbulbs, and one member to argue that the lightbulb doesn't need changing and its really a socialist plot.

The lightbulb never gets changed.

[Char. Limit]

How many PFers does it take to change a light bulb?

Ten members to debate the issue as a current event. Two moderators to ban the offending members. Two members to initiate debates on the choice of light bulbs. One member to start a thread complaining about CFs. Six members to debate the effects of lightbulb selection on the grid. Eight members to debate the philosophical implications of lightbulbs, changing lightbulbs, and the existance of lightbulbs, and one member to argue that the lightbulb doesn't need changing and its really a socialist plot.

The lightbulb never gets changed.

*likes this post*

[Borek]

This is more or less full version:

How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

1 to change the light bulb

1 to post that the light bulb in fact has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 Mentor to warn everyone that dangerous activities should be not discussed at forum

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames

2 other Mentors to send 5 warnings and 2 infractions to offenders

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"

... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb"is perfectly correct

1 Evo to remind users that they should not state opinions as facts

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"

109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

5 Mentors to delete spam posts to light bulb selling sites

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

3 Mentors to delete spam posts to light bulb selling sites again

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

1 Admin to delete spam again

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this forum which makes light bulbs relevant to this forum

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

1 Mentor calling everyone to calm down

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

1 micromass to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again

[Jimmy Snyder]

Borek's post should be moved to the engineering forum.

[Hootenanny]

This is more or less full version:

How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?

<snip>

1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again

:rofl:

[OmCheeto]

Plus one ex-sailor with a light bulb in his mouth going off topic with a completely random thought to point out why there is a globe on the shirtsleeves of U.S. Naval electricians rather than a light bulb:
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/f/f0/Rating_Badge_EM.jpg/50px-Rating_Badge_EM.jpg
It has been reported that the rating badges for Electrician were first ordered specifying a "globe" ( meaning electric light bulb) as the specialty mark. On delivery, the mark manufactured out to be a replica of the world globe. Despite the error in communications, the world globe looked so well that it was retained. No evidence has been found to dispute this theory to explain the mark which does not visually represent its rating.



And that it is advantageous to keep ones old navy clothes with the white globe as you can color it orange and put little black triangles on it and go to Halloween parties as a Pumpkins Mate. :biggrin:

[jtbell]

1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again

Shouldn't that be "6 years"? :uhh:

[BobG]

There's already a thread about changing lightbulbs (light bulbs): http://www.physicsforums.com/showthread.php?t=25663

Please make your lightbulb/light bulb/lamp/globe/glowing thingy posts in the appropriate thread.

[Lancelot59]

\int\frac{1}{mower} d(mower)

[QuarkCharmer]

\frac{1}{mower} d(mower)

Should there be an integral there?

Natural Log mower plus C?

[Lancelot59]

Should there be an integral there?

Natural Log mower plus C?
I edited it in. Correct. Pronounced "ln mower". You may now commence laughing.

[Char. Limit]

I edited it in. Correct. Pronounced "ln mower". You may now commence laughing.

"lin mower"

I don't get it.

[Lancelot59]

"lin mower"

I don't get it.
You fail at humor. :/

"lawn mower"

[Borek]

Log cabin I know.

[QuarkCharmer]

Plus one ex-sailor with a light bulb in his mouth going off topic with a completely random thought to point out why there is a globe on the shirtsleeves of U.S. Naval electricians rather than a light bulb:
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/f/f0/Rating_Badge_EM.jpg/50px-Rating_Badge_EM.jpg




And that it is advantageous to keep ones old navy clothes with the white globe as you can color it orange and put little black triangles on it and go to Halloween parties as a Pumpkins Mate. :biggrin:

I never knew that, and I was an AE for a time.

[HeLiXe]

I edited it in. Correct. Pronounced "ln mower". You may now commence laughing.

laughing commenced LOLz:biggrin: good one! I always try to make jokes that require some thought and they come out dull and boring...I think I spend too much time on the logical setting so the punchline is unexpected.

[micromass]

More mathematician jokes:

A mathematician is showing a new proof he came up with to a large group of
peers. After he's gone through most of it, one of the mathematicians says,
"Wait! That's not true. I have a counter-example!"

He replies, "That's okay. I have two proofs."

[HeLiXe]

lololll

[micromass]

After covering several blackboards with densely packed computations and expressions filled with Bessel functions and more, the professor remembered that there were many undergraduate students in the room. Feeling just a twinge of remorse that perhaps he was talking above the heads of some of the students in his audience, he turned around and asked the audience if there were any students who had never seen a Bessel function. The audience was silent for a moment. Finally, one intrepid student raised his hand to admit that he had never seen Bessel functions. The professor nodded with apparent comprehension. Without hesitation, he turned around and pointed at the blackboard, while saying "well, there's one now" and continued his talk.

[Galron]

The lamest and thus ironically funny joke I ever heard was:

What did Hitler say to his men before they got in their tanks?

Men get in your tanks.

It's funny only because when you hear the bewilderment and groans of people you just can't help laughing.

Of course the funniest joke is:

My dog has no nose

How does he smell?

Awful!

Warning reading the above joke may well result in death by hysteria.

And was used in an effort to win the war against The Hun, Monty Python is truth: fact.

q9XJeL2MNpw

[QuarkCharmer]

After covering several blackboards with densely packed computations and expressions filled with Bessel functions and more, the professor remembered that there were many undergraduate students in the room. Feeling just a twinge of remorse that perhaps he was talking above the heads of some of the students in his audience, he turned around and asked the audience if there were any students who had never seen a Bessel function. The audience was silent for a moment. Finally, one intrepid student raised his hand to admit that he had never seen Bessel functions. The professor nodded with apparent comprehension. Without hesitation, he turned around and pointed at the blackboard, while saying "well, there's one now" and continued his talk.

At risk of being a bessel function myself, I don't get it?


lim_{n \to \infty} \frac{sin(x)}{n} = 6

[Galron]

At risk of being a bessel function myself, I don't get it?


lim_{n \to \infty} \frac{sin(x)}{n} = 6

Joke is wasted on me as well? :S

[micromass]

At risk of being a bessel function myself, I don't get it?


Bessel functions have nothing to do with the joke. It's just about a sadistic professor :smile:

Imagine being in a lecture that goes way above your head. So in the middle you dare to ask something in the lines of "I've never seen integrals before". And the lecturer just writes \int on the board and says: "now you have"
It's the lack of explanation from the professor that makes it funny...




OK, I suck at telling jokes...

[micromass]

A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative
merits of having a wife or a mistress.

The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife
and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.

The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of
security lowers your stress and is good for your health.

The mathematician says: " You're both wrong. It's best to have both so
that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress
thinks you're with your wife --- you can do some mathematics.

[Isaacsname]

What do you call a college dropout in Prague ?

A cancelled Czech.

[QuarkCharmer]

Bessel functions have nothing to do with the joke. It's just about a sadistic professor :smile:

Imagine being in a lecture that goes way above your head. So in the middle you dare to ask something in the lines of "I've never seen integrals before". And the lecturer just writes \int on the board and says: "now you have"
It's the lack of explanation from the professor that makes it funny...




OK, I suck at telling jokes...

Oh, I thought he was implying the student was a Bessel Function. I thought it was some sort of fancy name for a function that has a really small range or something. :redface:

[Borg]

http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lrn9xgh48b1qewacoo1_400.png

[Lancelot59]

http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lrn9xgh48b1qewacoo1_400.png

That cat's so crazy. In other news.

ENGINEERING STUDENT BAT
http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_loyr5qttvI1qhi27ro1_500.jpg
http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lnvxc9m0P21qhi27ro1_400.jpg
http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lnn76p7mXM1qhi27ro1_400.png

I just found a new source of entertainment.

[jtbell]

Imagine being in a lecture that goes way above your head. So in the middle you dare to ask something in the lines of "I've never seen integrals before". And the lecturer just writes \int on the board and says: "now you have"

That reminds me of an old story about Wolfgang Pauli. After giving a colloquium somewhere:

Pauli: Any questions?

Audience member: Professor Pauli, I don't understand how you got from equation #5 to equation #6.

Pauli: That is a statement, not a question.

[pessimist]

That reminds me of an old story about Wolfgang Pauli. After giving a colloquium somewhere:

Pauli: Any questions?

Audience member: Professor Pauli, I don't understand how you got from equation #5 to equation #6.

Pauli: That is a statement, not a question.

Do you mean Paul Dirac?

http://www.dirac.ch/PaulDirac.html

[IMP]

I figured out how to travel faster than the speed of light! I will give you the details yesterday...

[jtbell]

Do you mean Paul Dirac?

http://www.dirac.ch/PaulDirac.html

I thought I read it as a story about Pauli, but it definitely does fit Dirac, so I'll accept it as a correction!

Here's another Dirac story... he once traveled to (I think) the University of Wisconsin, where the physics students' club arranged a group dinner for him. At some point, they realized that nobody knew Dirac's full name. This was before he had become really famous, and he had only used the initials "P. A. M." in his correspondence. So they made up place cards for the dinner table, which read something like: "Reserved for Prof. _____ / Dinner in honor of / Peter Alfred Martin Dirac". Each card had a different set of names with the same initials.

When Dirac saw the table, he caught on and walked around it, giving hints as he went, and eventually the students were able to come pretty close to piecing his name together: Paul Adrian Morris instead of Paul Adrien Maurice.

[Ivan Seeking]

I was reviewing a mechanical system for errors and noticed that when the draftsman moved part of a system 5 inches upwards, the bolt shafts made the move but the respective bolt heads didn't. We've decided these are called "wormhole bolts".

[jobyts]

Wife: Honey, I think I'm going to do it. I want bigger boobs. I want $5000 to get a boob job.

Husband: We don't have $5000 to spend on boobs right now, why don't you take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your boobs 2-3 times a day.

Wife: Toilet paper? Why will that make my boobs bigger?

Husband: Beats me, but look what it has done for your a$$ over the years!!

[Jimmy Snyder]

Q: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
A: Halfway.

[FizixFreak]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SbwmooRTBI&feature=related

Really what are the odds of that heppening?

[Lisa!]

http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/297132_460s.jpg

[Lancelot59]

http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/297132_460s.jpg

Besides the grammar, funny. I wonder how an actual vegetarian would react to that.

[FizixFreak]

http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/297132_460s.jpg

But what about the poor little insects that live under that rock who would want to destroy their home........,now that would be cruel:frown:

[FizixFreak]

PATIENT:Doctor please help me!!!! i pee at 6am and poop at 7am

DOCTOR:I dont see what the problem is.









PATIENT:I wake up at 8am!!!

[jobyts]

But what about the poor little insects that live under that rock who would want to destroy their home........,now that would be cruel:frown:

Eat light. Be a breatherian.

[DaveC426913]

Eat light. Be a breatherian.

Anyone (old enough to) remember Bloom County? They had a sketch where they hung from trees to avoid stepping on bugs and had filters over their mouths so as not to breathe bacteria.

[OmCheeto]

Anyone (old enough to) remember Bloom County? They had a sketch where they hung from trees to avoid stepping on bugs and had filters over their mouths so as not to breathe bacteria.

I'm old enough! But don't remember that particular set.

Anyone old enough to remember this one:

I'd rather have a bottle in front o' me than a frontal lobotomy.

[FizixFreak]

Anyone (old enough to) remember Bloom County? They had a sketch where they hung from trees to avoid stepping on bugs and had filters over their mouths so as not to breathe bacteria.

I saw a documentary about an african tribe that also "filtered" thier mouth for same reason cant remember the name of that tribe it was very long time ago does any body has any information about them?

But i just couldnt understand how someone so premitive would even know about microoraganisms or they just found that out when they came in contact with outsiders i.e normal people.

HIPPIES:Dude you know about the millions of becteria you kill when you inhale?

TRIBESMEN:SH*T.........,we need mouth filters.

[jobyts]

Anyone (old enough to) remember Bloom County? They had a sketch where they hung from trees to avoid stepping on bugs and had filters over their mouths so as not to breathe bacteria.

Some of the Jain Monks do it even now.
From http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ahimsa_in_Jainism,

the concept of Ahiṃsā is so much intertwined with Jainism that it conjures up images of ascetics who cover their mouths and sweep the ground before them with small brushes to avoid injuring the most minuscule forms of life and Jain-owned animal sanctuaries where even the sickest, most deformed birds and beasts are protected and cherished.

[Lisa!]

http://data.whicdn.com/images/15603561/tumblr_lrx3ldJUC81qdrsl2o1_500_large.jpg

[FizixFreak]

Eat light. Be a breatherian.

:rofl:

I think phototerian would be the right word!!!

[IMP]

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same caliber."

[lisab]

Eat light. Be a breatherian.

Wouldn't that make you a photonarian?

[jtbell]

Wife: Honey, I think I'm going to do it. I want bigger boobs. I want $5000 to get a boob job.

Husband: What, you don't think you have a big enough boob standing in front of you right now?

[Jimmy Snyder]

First woman was created. She had three breasts. The middle breast kept getting in the way so she asked to have it removed. It was removed and handed to her. She said what am I going to do with this useless boob? Then man was created.

[FizixFreak]

Wouldn't that make you a photonarian?

Not "phototerian"?

[OmCheeto]

Wouldn't that make you a photonarian?Not "phototerian"?

???????????

You absorb the photons from food to fuel your bio-electric field. Cooked food literally requires your body to fill the dead matter with photons so that it can be assimilated, thus weakening your body.(link not shared as it only got worse. kirlian photography, etc, etc, etc.)

So can we just stand facing the sun with our mouths open?

found whilst googling "people who eat photons", to determine the definitive answer.

[FtlIsAwesome]

Tyrannosaurus Rex: I don't want those .ZIP files! Give me .RARs!

[DaveC426913]

Tyrannosaurus Rex: I don't want those .ZIP files! Give me .RARs!

Careful you don't end up extinct by falling into a tarball.

bazinga

[FtlIsAwesome]

Careful you don't end up extinct by falling into a tarball.

bazinga
I'll get a cab to pull me out.

[QuarkCharmer]

Careful you don't end up extinct by falling into a tarball.

bazinga

That joke .iso lame.

[Lancelot59]

Careful you don't end up extinct by falling into a tarball.

bazinga

I'll get a cab to pull me out.

That joke .iso lame.

I guess it should be zipped up and put away with the others.

[FtlIsAwesome]

I guess it should be zipped up and put away with the others.
Or stuffed in a jar.

[Lancelot59]

Or stuffed in a jar.

Or take it to a .zoo. Possibly send it out to .sea?

[Borg]

http://mthruf.files.wordpress.com/2011/10/job-fails-extraction.jpg

[FtlIsAwesome]

Or take it to a .zoo. Possibly send it out to .sea?
Maybe I'll just .sit on it.
Nah, I'll thow it in a .bin.

No, even better. I'll start a rock band by cramming it in my .gtar.

[Lancelot59]

Maybe I'll just .sit on it.
Nah, I'll thow it in a .bin.

No, even better. I'll start a rock band by cramming it in my .gtar.

Be sure to watch your diet, and not to have too much BTRFS so you don't end up getting FAT.

[Borek]

Strange, I seem to remember using - somewhere in late eighties - program that was able to .pak files, but it is not listed in wikipedia archive formats page.

[Lancelot59]

Strange, I seem to remember using - somewhere in late eighties - program that was able to .pak files, but it is not listed in wikipedia archive formats page.

It could've been a proprietary format that wasn't widely used.

[QuarkCharmer]

.pak is mostly used by video game companies for some reason. It's still around, check out Half-Life (Well okay, that's an old one, but still, it's not 1980's)

[FtlIsAwesome]

Be sure to watch your diet, and not to have too much BTRFS so you don't end up getting FAT.
I'll utilize DEFLATE.

[lisab]

- Neutrino.
- Knock-knock!
- Who's there?

[HeLiXe]

- Neutrino.
- Knock-knock!
- Who's there?

lololll nice one!

[Lancelot59]

Did CERN get around to running another test?

[Ivan Seeking]

Did CERN get around to running another test?

The results are in but they haven't run the tests yet.

[Borg]

The results are in but they haven't run the tests yet.
:rofl:

[Drakkith]

The results are in but they haven't run the tests yet.

Buahaha! Good one Ivan!

[FtlIsAwesome]

The results are in but they haven't run the tests yet.
:rofl: :rolleyes:

[diazona]

http://verydemotivational.memebase.com/2011/10/07/demotivational-posters-the-average-person/

[Lancelot59]

The results are in but they haven't run the tests yet.

HA! I got it...

[OmCheeto]

I would like to thank the last 8 posters for explaining LisaB's joke to me.....

Ok! I get it now!

:grumpy:

[Lancelot59]

I would like to thank the last 8 posters for explaining LisaB's joke to me.....

Ok! I get it now!

:grumpy:

You're welcome. Happy to help!

[FlexGunship]

The results are in but they haven't run the tests yet.

This... this is clever.

[Ivan Seeking]

This... this is clever.

:biggrin: You know what they say about neutrino humor: It's all in the timing.

[QuarkCharmer]

What's purple and commutes?
An abelian grape.

What is the contour integral around Western Europe?
Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe

[Lancelot59]

:biggrin: You know what they say about neutrino humor: It's all in the timing.

HA! Punny...

[jtbell]

What is the contour integral around Western Europe?
Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe

Q: Why was Cauchy's dog unpopular in Poland?
A: It left a residue at every Pole.

[jtbell]

The animals at the zoo have been gossiping about the latest arrival: "Can you believe what the new gnu knew?!"

[Isaacsname]

How does a dairy cow go when it sneaks off the farm ?

Pasturize

[QuarkCharmer]

What do neutrinos wear when they ride horses?

massless chaps

[DaveC426913]

What do neutrinos wear when they ride horses?

massless chaps

Oh.

I didn't get it at first, so I Googled the phrase.

I got it. I got retinal scarring is what I got.

Thank you QuarkCharmer for that.

:yuck:

[QuarkCharmer]

Oh.

I didn't get it at first, so I Googled the phrase.

I got it. I got retinal scarring is what I got.

Thank you QuarkCharmer for that.

:yuck:

I didn't think that anyone would have to google that one!

[maggiemaeu]

why do we drive on the parkway and park on a driveway?
i think that one technically belongs to the stupidest questions.

[Isaacsname]

What's the difference between an accordian and an onion ?

Nobody's going to cry if you cut an accordian into tiny pieces.

[DaveC426913]

I didn't think that anyone would have to google that one!
I know what they are, I just didn't make the connection. Obvious in retrospect.

[lisab]

What do neutrinos wear when they ride horses?

massless chaps

:rofl:...hilarious...!

[Lisa!]

http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/368635_460s.jpg


http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/369309_460s.jpg


PS: Is there any lame pics thread? Anyway if I'm ruining this thread with these pics, please let me know!o:)

[Isaacsname]

A neutrino was arrested for exceeding the speed limit recently, but they had to let it go...

.....:rolleyes:

[IMP]

I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there are decimal points involved.

[FtlIsAwesome]

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Doctor.
Doctor who?
Just "The Doctor".


--------


zombie kitteh sez: i can has brains?

[HeLiXe]

I saw this on a professor's office door today and probably laughed more than most would
http://halloween.tipjunkie.com/wp-content/halloween-thumbs/if-the-broom-fits-ride-it-printable.jpg

[jtbell]

With the new iPhone out, we can expect Siri to contribute a lot of lame jokes. Here are a couple that I've read about recently:

Q: Can you tell me a bad joke?

Siri: Two iPhones walk into a bar ... I forget the rest.

-----

Q: How much wood can a woodchuck chuck?

Siri: 42 cords.

-----

Q: Who's on first?

Siri: That's right.

[Lancelot59]

With the new iPhone out, we can expect Siri to contribute a lot of lame jokes. Here are a couple that I've read about recently:

Q: Can you tell me a bad joke?

Siri: Two iPhones walk into a bar ... I forget the rest.

-----

Q: How much wood can a woodchuck chuck?

Siri: 42 cords.

-----

Q: Who's on first?

Siri: That's right.

There's already a website for this stuff:
http://shitsirisays.com/

http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ltdn1zVpNe1r4h7kbo1_500.pnghttp://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ltdy96kEZm1r4h7kbo1_500.png

[Isaacsname]

When a blind person touches sandpaper, do they interpet static ?

[WhoWee]

When a blind person touches sandpaper, do they interpet static ?

That's a bit rough - even coarse - and quite abrasive.

[Isaacsname]

That's a bit rough - even coarse - and quite abrasive.

Apologies then, I never meant to rub you the wrong way.

[WhoWee]

Apologies then, I never meant to rub you the wrong way.

No worries - hardly scratched the surface.

[Lancelot59]

No worries - hardly scratched the surface.

Now that that has been smoothed over, lets tell a joke.

[WhoWee]

Now that that has been smoothed over, lets tell a joke.

Not to be glossy, but a friction-less transition to real humor might require joke buffers:

http://www.google.com/search?aq=0&oq=joke+buffer&gcx=w&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8&q=joke+buffers

[FlexGunship]

For the love of science, STOP!!!!!!!

http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRKoOcLVNTkrnaCbB0qwrV_uamH7PH_k wJnM5yNB7m0mbvOXg7BpL8rshW4fQ
(Source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/-jon-/2239916961/)

[dacruick]

Impressive banter above.

[WhoWee]

For the love of science, STOP!!!!!!!

http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRKoOcLVNTkrnaCbB0qwrV_uamH7PH_k wJnM5yNB7m0mbvOXg7BpL8rshW4fQ
(Source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/-jon-/2239916961/)


I guess NOW we all know what the sandpaper would sound like?

[HeLiXe]

Now that that has been smoothed over, lets tell a joke.

:rofl:

[Isaacsname]

You guys are going to wear me down if this keeps up.

[Lancelot59]

You guys are going to wear me down if this keeps up.

Sorry, I didn't mean to grind on your nerves.

[Borek]

I don't recall any joke that was polished that long

[jtbell]

You guys are going to wear me down if this keeps up.

Illegitimi non carborundum.

[Isaacsname]

This thread goes against the grain of anything decent.

[Isaacsname]

Whats Mork from Ork's favorite SI unit ?

The Nanoometer

[QuarkCharmer]

Whats Mork from Ork's favorite SI unit ?

The Nanoometer

What's Mike Tyson's favorite unit of mass?

The slug.

[Isaacsname]

A sheet of paper wraps around a bar...

[HeLiXe]

Whats Mork from Ork's favorite SI unit ?

The Nanoometerlololz

[HeLiXe]

I don't recall any joke that was polished that long

:rofl:

[Lancelot59]

I don't recall any joke that was polished that long

It's really fine grain humor.

[OldChap]

Physics? I know nothing about physics but here I do enjoy the Gritty humor

[Isaacsname]

Sitting Bull had to ride a rental Ox while his Bison was in the shop.

After a few days, he noticed the interior of his thighs were getting chapped.

He paused one day and thought to himself ; " This is quite the corundum, I have a fond emory of sitting on something smoother than an oxide ".

[Isaacsname]

What an odd co-inkydink, a friend sent this in my mail this morning..:surprised




http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_JoqPMBEkpAk/TLPATCYGaLI/AAAAAAAAAI0/N2W-s72E3RQ/s1600/20.%20Sand%20Paper%20Mask.jpg

[WhoWee]

What an odd co-inkydink, a friend sent this in my mail this morning..:surprised

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_JoqPMBEkpAk/TLPATCYGaLI/AAAAAAAAAI0/N2W-s72E3RQ/s1600/20.%20Sand%20Paper%20Mask.jpg

Son of Sand Paper or the Masked Finisher?

[Isaacsname]

Son of Sand Paper or the Masked Finisher?

We can hope he'll deliver a smooth finish to this thread once and for all.

[Isaacsname]

Hey, what did the banana say to the bunch ?

" I'll see you guys later, I gotta..........
































....go to the store to get a sock "

[Lancelot59]

We can hope he'll deliver a smooth finish to this thread once and for all.

It was getting a little rough.

[OldChap]

Sand paper you say.... I thought it was a map of the Sahara

[Isaacsname]

Masochists make scratch-n-sniff stickers out of sandpaper.

[WhoWee]

Masochists make scratch-n-sniff stickers out of sandpaper.

Would that be un-nerving or de-nerving?

[Isaacsname]

Sand paper you say.... I thought it was a map of the Sahara

It also doubles as a grooming brush for your pet rock. :tongue2:

[HeLiXe]

It also doubles as a grooming brush for your pet rock. :tongue2:

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[Lancelot59]

It also doubles as a grooming brush for your pet rock. :tongue2:

I think it would give it a sandy finish.

[Isaacsname]

Balls - interesting observation.

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL..
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And.....

6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

-----------

In Washington DC they must play with marbles,..apparently.

[WhoWee]

Balls - interesting observation.

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL..
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And.....

6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

-----------

In Washington DC they must play with marbles,..apparently.

Is an American football - really a ball?

I'd better brush up on the definition - scratch the surface a bit.

[OmCheeto]

I would mention scientists and Buckeyball, but I'm sure that would warrant me an insta-ban.

I did not even think that. No. It was, um, Penguino!

[DaveC426913]

Is an American football - really a ball?


It's a ball; it's just not a spherical ball.

[WhoWee]

It's a ball; it's just not a spherical ball.
(trying to keep the sand paper going)





All I know is once the surface is smooth - it's harder to handle.

[Isaacsname]

Oh, I guess I could belt out a few more given the opportunity.

[Isaacsname]

Arnold Zander, an obscure 1930's Chicago baker, was facing a rough lawsuit from a rival competitor concerning the name of a cookie, Pecan Sandies. He was really stuck on the cookie as it was a top seller, so he decided to cave in and rename it. He went back and forth in his mind,...... and forth and back some more,... quarts of sweat literally poured from his brow...as he discarded mental inclusions in search of clarity...

"........... Hhhmmmm .....crunchy crumblies ?............naaah....crispie snappers ?.....no....hmmm..........Zander's Crumbles ..?....maybe.....wait,.. "

" I've got it !! "...." Brittle Zanders " he whispers to himself smoothly with a glint in his eye.

A few weeks go by, business is brisk, friction with the rival was gone, things were almost too good, as Arnold hardly had time to close up shop and get to his son's school in time to pick him up.

He's ready to rush out the door in a mad dash, when his old friend Ed comes running up frantically.

" Oh man, I am so glad to see you, my kid's throwing a tantrum, I left him in the car around the corner, you got anything left ? "

Arnold, reluctantly, steps aside as Ed runs in and tugs the lightcord.

" Hey neato, is that some sort of fancy Chinese rope or something ? "

" No, it's a braid, Ed, my kid made it in school, can you hurry up ? "

Ed runs over to the cookie case.

" Brownies and cookies ? Aw man...That's all you got left ? "

" Look ", says Arnold, " I don't have all day man, I gotta pick up my kid too. "

" Now, make up your mind, what do you want ? "

" Brownies or Brittle Zanders ? "

[DaveC426913]

" Brownies or Brittle Zanders ? "

:crickets chirping:

...I don't get it...:confused:

[jtbell]

In Washington DC they must play with marbles,..apparently.

By the time they get to Washington, they've lost all their marbles. :rolleyes:

[Isaacsname]

:crickets chirping:

...I don't get it...:confused:

Hahahaha....this why I'm never taking you rattlesnake hunting.

I hid at least 10 gems in there, start with the phrase " orbital sanders " and go from there.

looool. :rofl:

[Lancelot59]

Hahahaha....this why I'm never taking you rattlesnake hunting.

I hid at least 10 gems in there, start with the phrase " orbital sanders " and go from there.

looool. :rofl:

LAAAAAAAAAME! So it fits in here perfectly I guess. That's actually nicely well hidden in there.

[lisab]

This thread is so grating.

[Isaacsname]

LAAAAAAAAAME! So it fits in here perfectly I guess. That's actually nicely well hidden in there.

I'm drawing from my interest in what I refer to as " linguistic illusions ", also mondegreens, nonce words, etc. Check out the lyrics to Mairzy Doats. Things like this are used as a gauge of restored cognitive function in patients with severe brain trauma.

-

Also years of experience polishing BS.....................borosilcate glass. I'm glad you guys can appreciate that I came up with this from scratch.

...somebody help me,...I can't stop.

[Lancelot59]

What's the integral of \frac{1}{cabin}? It's not a log cabin, it's a houseboat. You forgot to add the C.

[Isaacsname]

:crickets chirping:

...I don't get it...:confused:

I'm sure everything will get clearer if you just go over it a few times..

:rofl:

[Isaacsname]

What's the integral of \frac{1}{cabin}? It's not a log cabin, it's a houseboat. You forgot to add the C.

:tongue2:

[DaveC426913]

I'm sure everything will get clearer if you just go over it a few times..

:rofl:

I have. It hasn't.


Anyone?

Anyone?

Bueller?

[Isaacsname]

Arnold Zander, an obscure 1930's Chicago baker, was facing a rough lawsuit from a rival competitor concerning the name of a cookie, Pecan Sandies. He was really stuck on the cookie as it was a top seller, so he decided to cave in and rename it. He went back and forth in his mind,...... and forth and back some more,... quartz of sweat literally poured from his brow...as he discarded mental inclusions in search of clarity...

"........... Hhhmmmm .....crunchy crumblies ?............naaah....crispie snappers ?.....no....hmmm..........Zander's Crumbles ..?....maybe.....wait,.. "

" I've got it !! "...." Brittle Zanders " he whispers to himself smoothly with a glint in his eye.

A few weeks go by, business is brisk, friction with the rival was gone, things were almost too good, as Arnold hardly had time to close up shop and get to his son's school in time to pick him up.

He's ready to rush out the door in a mad dash, when his old friend Ed comes running up frantically.

" Oh man, I am so glad to see you, my kid's throwing a tantrum, I left him in the car around the corner, you got anything left ? "

Arnold, reluctantly, steps aside as Ed runs in and tugs the lightcord.

" Hey neato, is that some sort of fancy Chinese rope or something ? "

" No, it's abraided my kid made it in school, can you hurry up ? "

Ed runs over to the cookie case.

" Brownies and cookies ? Aw man...That's all you got left ? "

" Look ", says Arnold, " I don't have all day man, I gotta pick up my kid too. "

" Now, make up your mind, what do you want ? "

" Brownies orbital sanders? "

:rolleyes:

[FlexGunship]

Knock knock!!

[FlexGunship]

Knock knock!!

Knock knock!!

[BobG]

Knock knock!!

Knock knock!!

We're all waiting for Dave to answer it.

[Isaacsname]

Here Dave, try these..:biggrin:

Cartoons In Order Of Increasing Difficulty

http://www.coldbacon.com/kliban2.html

[DaveC426913]

Who's there?

[FlexGunship]

Who's there?

To









(random characters for message length)

[DaveC426913]

Seriously? Everyone else got orbital sanders right away but me?

[Gad]

Who's there?

FlexGunship lost intrest. :biggrin:

Did you get it? :biggrin:

[DaveC426913]

FlexGunship lost intrest. :biggrin:

Did you get it? :biggrin:

Still no.

I feel like I'm being pelted with joke-shaped acorns by a pack of squirrels.

Am I the only one that didn't get orbital sanders?
Was that so obvious that I need to take remedial jokes class?
Is knock knock related?
Did Flex fall off his chair in the middle of typing his answer?
Has the knock knock had a punchline yet? Did I miss that too?

Oh, wait...

[DaveC426913]

To








To who?

[FlexGunship]

To who?

Tsk tsk... to whom

[Gad]

:rofl:

It's better for you not to know Dave, cause it's LAME and :yuck:

[DaveC426913]

Tsk tsk... to whom

Ha ha. No. It's 'to who?'

Or is this another joke I'm not getting?

I just want to go home.

[Isaacsname]

We're all waiting for Dave to answer it.

Dave's not here man. :rofl:

[Lancelot59]

Dave's not here man. :rofl:

Is it true you can make all kinds of clothing and rope out of hemp?

[Isaacsname]

Is it true you can make all kinds of clothing and rope out of hemp?

.... ..... I hurd something about it

[FlexGunship]

Is it true you can make all kinds of clothing and rope out of hemp?

Really? Man, I gotta' check out this brochure! <eats sandwich>

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ld8eKY0VRZk

[Isaacsname]

Really? Man, I gotta' read these pamphlets! <eats sandwich>

I did some graphic design work for a hemp clothing company years back.

http://en.ecolution.com/

Pretty impressive for a natural fabric, imo. I have a hemp shower curtain that's 7 years old, still looks almost new, mildew won't touch it.

:yuck:

[Lancelot59]

.... ..... I hurd something about it

There goes the futurama joke...

[Isaacsname]

Hey Dave

What do you call a Stizostedion lucioperca that swims around the same rock it's whole life ?

[DaveC426913]

Hey Dave

What do you call a Stizostedion lucioperca that swims around the same rock it's whole life ?

A perch with a gamey leg?

[Isaacsname]

A perch with a gamey leg?

:rofl:

[Isaacsname]

Ok, I'm finished with the sanding jokes. :rolleyes:

Moving on..

What do you call a nun with a bad habit ?

" Inappropriately dressed "

[IMP]

The reference book men have been waiting for is finally available:

http://www.physicsforums.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=40351&d=1319639308

[DaveC426913]

Shortly thereafter, "Understanding Men" is released...

http://wwwdelivery.superstock.com/WI/223/4148/PreviewComp/SuperStock_4148R-1749.jpg

[jtbell]

Stop, Dave...

http://venturebeat.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/243321.jpg

My mind is going... I can feel it...

[IMP]

The reference book men have been waiting for "Understanding Women" is finally available:

http://www.physicsforums.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=40351&d=1319639308

I am sorry to report that this is only the index...

http://pixweluv.com/files/funzug/imgs/funnypics/book_understanding_women_01.jpg

[HeLiXe]

Shortly thereafter, "Understanding Men" is released...

http://wwwdelivery.superstock.com/WI/223/4148/PreviewComp/SuperStock_4148R-1749.jpg

:rofl:

I scrolled from the bottom up and was like
"what is that?"
"is there something on it?"
"What is he pointing to?"
And then I realised why I cannot understand men :tongue2:

[HeLiXe]

:rofl: I showed it to my mom and she did the same thing LOL

[IMP]

A TOURIST in Vienna was walking through a graveyard when he heard music

coming from a grave. The headstone read, "Lugwig von Beethoven, 1770 - 1827.

Then, the tourist recognized the music as the 9th Symphony played backward.



Puzzled the man left the graveyard and persuaded a friend to return with him. By

the time they got back to the grave, the music had changed to the 7th Symphony.

It too played backward.



The friends agreed to consult a music scholar. When the three men went to the

grave, they heard the 5th Symphony playing backward. The scholar noted that

the order of the songs itself was backward, going by when they were written.



By the next day, a throng had gathered around the grave, listening to a backward

playing 2nd Symphony. Just then, the graveyard caretaker ambled up to the

group, "It's nothing to worry about ," he declared, "He's just decomposing."

[DaveC426913]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sjWPXybVjYE

Monty Python's Decomposing Composers.

They're Decomposing Composers
There nothing much anyone can do
You can still hear Beethoven
But Beethoven cannot hear you

[McLaren Rulez]

Son: Dad, I want to go for a 50 Cent concert!

Dad: Sure. Here's a dollar. Take your sister too.

[lisab]

Far Side had that same idea....

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ut3BRGKD2w4/TgM87vvQF9I/AAAAAAAAAFI/CvqrsLoMZ-o/s400/decomposing_maestro.jpg

[Isaacsname]

Did you hear about the Amish flu?

There are only two symptoms.

First you get a little hoarse..... then you get a little buggy.

[Lancelot59]

Did you hear about the Amish flu?

There are only two symptoms.

First you get a little hoarse..... then you get a little buggy.

Ha! It's funny!

[HeLiXe]

Son: Dad, I want to go for a 50 Cent concert!

Dad: Sure. Here's a dollar. Take your sister too.:rofl:

[IMP]

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.

'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'

A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'

[QuarkCharmer]

The calculus professor on ocw.mit was explaining the reason why it's important to be sure that a function is an indeterminate form before applying a certain limit rule involving derivatives. He closed the lecture with a word of advice:

"You should always look before you L'hop"

[Drakkith]

:crickets chirping:

...I don't get it...:confused:

Neither do I Dave.

[HeLiXe]

The calculus professor on ocw.mit was explaining the reason why it's important to be sure that a function is an indeterminate form before applying a certain limit rule involving derivatives. He closed the lecture with a word of advice:

"You should always look before you L'hop"

cute

but isn't that "O" sound the strong vowel sound...like "hope"? >_< unless prof burger was just saying it wrong

[DaveC426913]

but isn't that "O" sound the strong vowel sound...like "hope"?
That's so nerd. :tongue:

[QuarkCharmer]

cute

but isn't that "O" sound the strong vowel sound...like "hope"? >_< unless prof burger was just saying it wrong

You are correct. However, that is a true story. Somewhere in the single variable calculus video lectures he says that, pronouncing it "Lop".

[HeLiXe]

You are correct.

-_- I guess the world will be ending sooner than we all expected :tongue2:

[micromass]

How can you tell if a scientist has been locked in your
refrigerator?

You know the old joke about how you can tell if an elephant has been locked
in your refrigerator?
(There are footprints in the butter)

Well... how can you tell if a mathematician has been locked in your
refrigerator?
(If the walls are covered with equations and the coffee is all gone)

If a quantum physicist has been locked in your refrigerator?
(All of a sudden you are uncertain if the milk is there or not)

If a developmental biologist has been locked in your refrigerator?
(All the eggs have hatched into some really strange looking chicks)

If a bacteriologist has been locked in your refrigerator?
(There are those little red biohazard stickers on everything)

If a geneticist has been locked in your refrigerator?
(All the yeasts and bacteria genomes have been sequenced and their phylum
mapped on the walls)

If a molecular geneticist has been locked in your refrigerator?
(A cross between a chicken and an eggplant walks out)

If a materials scientist has been locked in your refrigerator?
(You can now spread the butter only one molecule thick and there is no way
to cut the cheese without a focused ion beam)

If an immunologist has been locked in your refrigerator
(There is a patent pending and a new drug entering Phase I clinical trials
based on the grey-green stuff growing on the leftovers)

A computer scientist has been locked in your refrigerator?
(The refrigerator now uses four times the power and has to be restarted
every other time you open the door)

If a modern plant scientist has been locked in your refrigerator?
(All the vegetables look perfect, last forever and taste like nothing)

If an environmental scientist has been locked in your fridge?
(All the spills have been catalogued and there is a treatise on global
warming half written in soy-sauce-based ink on the door)

If a M.Sc. student has been locked in your refrigerator?
(All the food is gone except for the healthy stuff)

If a postdoc has been locked in your refrigerator?
(All the food is gone and the shelves licked clean)

[Isaacsname]

Neither do I Dave.

I hear Dave has the number of a good joke tutor..:biggrin:

[jobyts]

While creating wives, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.


And then God made the earth round...

[HeLiXe]

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[miniradman]

I don't know about everyone else here, but I'm a sucker for the lame science jokes or puns.

eg.

hydrogen atom 1 said
"I think I've lost an electron"

Hydrogen atom 2 replied
"are you sure?"

hydrogen atom 1 said
"yes, I am positive"

Hydrogen atom 2 replied
"well then, you better keep an ion them"


Anyone willing to share some science jokes? :biggrin:

[Denishverma]

lol funny Hydrogen atom speak something - lol :)

[BadBrain]

miniradman:

Great P-Chem joke, but I think it would have been a bit stronger had it stopped with the line: "Yes, I am positive!"


***

Anyways, I have a few scientific daffynitions:

GI Tract: Real Estate term for an army base.

Expansion Joint: Honkey-tonk with an addition attached.

Carbon Ring: Organized coal thieves.

Dark Flow: Diarrhea (Sorry 'bout that!)

***

I have a few more, but i can't think of them right now.

[miniradman]

Man, organic chemistry is hard. Because everytime I do it, I have Alkynes of trouble :biggrin:

[BadBrain]

Man, organic chemistry is hard. Because everytime I do it, I have Alkynes of trouble :biggrin:

Hey, I took my last vacation in the Isles of Langerhans! :rofl:

[miniradman]

Hey, I took my last vacation in the Isles of Langerhans! :rofl:
AHAHAHA! nice...

A super conductor walks into a bar. The barman tells him to get out, the super conductor leaves without any resistance. :biggrin:

[BadBrain]

AHAHAHA! nice...

A super conductor walks into a bar. The barman tells him to get out, the super conductor leaves without any resistance. :biggrin:

Actually, a superior conductor would leave the bar with minimal resistance, whereas only a PERFECT conductor would leave the bar without any resistance.

***

Anyways, a teenaged girl spent a weekend with both her pairs of grandparents. Each grandparent presented her with the pair of blue denim trousers they had worn at Woodstock. The young lady gratefully realized that she had received one-quarter of her jeans from each of her grandparents!!!

[DaveC426913]

miniradman:

Great P-Chem joke, but I think it would have been a bit stronger had it stopped with the line: "Yes, I am positive!"


I'd heard that one before a lot. I'd never heard minirfadman's spin on it.

[miniradman]

I have a few more, but i can't think of them right now.
Yeah, I would share some more. But all the good ones... argon :tongue2:

[IMP]

http://img208.imageshack.us/img208/1858/rabbitshadow.jpg

[Lancelot59]

http://img208.imageshack.us/img208/1858/rabbitshadow.jpg

I can do a pretty good dinosaur face, complete with an eye that looks around.

[FlexGunship]

I can do a pretty good dinosaur face, complete with an eye that looks around.

Wait... what dinosaur has a silhouette with a distinguishable eye?

http://thumbs.dreamstime.com/thumblarge_439/1253797759RnO7js.jpg

[Lancelot59]

Wait... what dinosaur has a silhouette with a distinguishable eye?

http://thumbs.dreamstime.com/thumblarge_439/1253797759RnO7js.jpg

Not a silhouette. It's a face with a mouth and an eye.

[lisab]

http://chzmemebase.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/memes-all-your-base-are-belong-to-us.jpg

[Evo]

http://chzmemebase.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/memes-all-your-base-are-belong-to-us.jpglol!!!

[FlexGunship]

I love chemistry cat! A few more for you courtesy of Memetracker on Huffington Post (the first one is from Tumblr).

http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lsgvh9qjSz1qj4buio1_400.jpg
http://i.huffpost.com/gadgets/slideshows/37258/slide_37258_316949_large.jpg?1321886727912
http://i.huffpost.com/gadgets/slideshows/37258/slide_37258_316928_large.jpg?1321886738226
http://i.huffpost.com/gadgets/slideshows/37258/slide_37258_316970_large.jpg?1321886761609
http://i.huffpost.com/gadgets/slideshows/37258/slide_37258_316951_large.jpg?1321886791830
http://i.huffpost.com/gadgets/slideshows/37258/slide_37258_316955_large.jpg?1321886817375
http://i.huffpost.com/gadgets/slideshows/37258/slide_37258_316964_large.jpg?1321886839177

[HeLiXe]

http://chzmemebase.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/memes-all-your-base-are-belong-to-us.jpg

:rofl::rofl::rofl: omg LOLOL very good 1 lisab!!

[Ibix]

What's the SI unit of beauty? The milli-Helen (mH), which is the amount of beauty needed to launch exactly one ship.

[DaveC426913]

What's the SI unit of beauty? The milli-Helen (mH), which is the amount of beauty needed to launch exactly one ship.

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[jobyts]

Q: How do you know if a leper has sent you a letter?
A: The tongue is still on the envelope.

[Ibix]

A small-town guy gets a job in New York. He finds an apartment in Queens, figuring he'll take the subway to work every day.

On the first day, he notices that one of his fellow passengers is rather hairy with a heavy brow. He's wearing a loincloth of animal skin and carrying a stone spear. In short, a Neanderthal. Nobody else seems to be paying attention (you know how the subway is), but the guy can't believe his eyes. Eventually, he plucks up courage to ask.

"Excuse me, sir. I hope you don't mind my asking, but... Are you a Neanderthal?"

"Yes. Yes, I am," answers the Neanderthal. "Why do you ask?"

"Oh, no reason, no reason," answers the guy. "It's just... Well, I thought you guys went extinct."

"Well New York is a blue state," answers the Neanderthal. "But there are still a few of us around."

"Right, right," says the guy, and a short silence falls.

"New to the city, are you?" asks the Neanderthal, politely.

"Oh yeah," answers the guy. "I just moved here at the weekend. I'm from Montana originally, a town called Hamilton."

The Neanderthal's face suddenly goes blank and he takes a step back. At that moment, the train pulls into a station and the Neanderthal backs off the train and disappears into the crowd. Everybody left in the subway car is staring at the guy in an unfriendly way. Not really sure what he's done, he thinks he'd better find out. One lady looks less unsympathetic than the others, so he decides to ask her.

"I'm sorry, I'm new here. Can you tell me what I said wrong?"

"You really must be new," answers the lady. "Everyone around here knows: you never evolve if you commute with a Hamiltonian."

[lisab]

A small-town guy gets a job in New York. He finds an apartment in Queens, figuring he'll take the subway to work every day.

On the first day, he notices that one of his fellow passengers is rather hairy with a heavy brow. He's wearing a loincloth of animal skin and carrying a stone spear. In short, a Neanderthal. Nobody else seems to be paying attention (you know how the subway is), but the guy can't believe his eyes. Eventually, he plucks up courage to ask.

"Excuse me, sir. I hope you don't mind my asking, but... Are you a Neanderthal?"

"Yes. Yes, I am," answers the Neanderthal. "Why do you ask?"

"Oh, no reason, no reason," answers the guy. "It's just... Well, I thought you guys went extinct."

"Well New York is a blue state," answers the Neanderthal. "But there are still a few of us around."

"Right, right," says the guy, and a short silence falls.

"New to the city, are you?" asks the Neanderthal, politely.

"Oh yeah," answers the guy. "I just moved here at the weekend. I'm from Montana originally, a town called Hamilton."

The Neanderthal's face suddenly goes blank and he takes a step back. At that moment, the train pulls into a station and the Neanderthal backs off the train and disappears into the crowd. Everybody left in the subway car is staring at the guy in an unfriendly way. Not really sure what he's done, he thinks he'd better find out. One lady looks less unsympathetic than the others, so he decides to ask her.

"I'm sorry, I'm new here. Can you tell me what I said wrong?"

"You really must be new," answers the lady. "Everyone around here knows: you never evolve if you commute with a Hamiltonian."

:rofl: that's so awesome

[FlexGunship]

A small-town guy gets a job in New York. He finds an apartment in Queens, figuring he'll take the subway to work every day.

On the first day, he notices that one of his fellow passengers is rather hairy with a heavy brow. He's wearing a loincloth of animal skin and carrying a stone spear. In short, a Neanderthal. Nobody else seems to be paying attention (you know how the subway is), but the guy can't believe his eyes. Eventually, he plucks up courage to ask.

"Excuse me, sir. I hope you don't mind my asking, but... Are you a Neanderthal?"

"Yes. Yes, I am," answers the Neanderthal. "Why do you ask?"

"Oh, no reason, no reason," answers the guy. "It's just... Well, I thought you guys went extinct."

"Well New York is a blue state," answers the Neanderthal. "But there are still a few of us around."

"Right, right," says the guy, and a short silence falls.

"New to the city, are you?" asks the Neanderthal, politely.

"Oh yeah," answers the guy. "I just moved here at the weekend. I'm from Montana originally, a town called Hamilton."

The Neanderthal's face suddenly goes blank and he takes a step back. At that moment, the train pulls into a station and the Neanderthal backs off the train and disappears into the crowd. Everybody left in the subway car is staring at the guy in an unfriendly way. Not really sure what he's done, he thinks he'd better find out. One lady looks less unsympathetic than the others, so he decides to ask her.

"I'm sorry, I'm new here. Can you tell me what I said wrong?"

"You really must be new," answers the lady. "Everyone around here knows: you never evolve if you commute with a Hamiltonian."

I feel like this might win the award for the most contrived joke ever. Still funny, though.

[Borek]

http://cp.ifunny.mobi/images/3037ee5e79508bd554bbdf740d9edfacca96752e_1.jpg

[WhoWee]

Did you hear they're going to close Cedar Point?


They want to keep the kids away from Sandusky.

(regional)

[FlexGunship]

(regional)

Very. :rolleyes:

[Ibix]

I feel like this might win the award for the most contrived joke ever. Still funny, though.
I was told the joke by a colleague, the only other guy with university-level physics in my office. English isn't his first language, and between his grammar and his thick accent I have to pay pretty close attention to understand him. Something about concentrating like that on a shaggy dog story meant that the punchline hit hard, and I did indeed laugh out loud. He turns to his immediate neighbours and says "See - it is funny". :biggrin:

I gather it had been totally lost on the maths-with-stats crowd we work with. :rolleyes:

[DaveC426913]

I feel like this might win the award for the most contrived joke ever. Still funny, though.
No 'Special Ross and Lester Cheese' is the most contrived joke ever.

Please don't make me tell it.

[FlexGunship]

Please don't make me tell it.

Please, Dave... tell it... :rolleyes:

[Borek]

How do you call German forum admin locking himself out of the forum?

Autobahn.

[HeLiXe]

How do you call German forum admin locking himself out of the forum?

Autobahn.
the one track mind of banning in action -_-

[DaveC426913]

Please, Dave... tell it... :rolleyes:

:sigh:

So, John is a new bus driver, and is assigned his first route, the famous Sesame Street. He doesn't really know what to expect of the kids.

At his first stop, a little girl gets on and marches up to him and says,"Hi, my name is Pat and I'm fat." She then sits in the back of the bus. Second stop another girl gets on and says,"Hi, I'm Patricia and I'm obese." She goes and sits next to Pat. John just shakes his head.

Third stop, a little boy gets on and says to John,"I'm Ross, and I'm special." He marches to the back and sits by the girls.

Next stop, another boy gets on and says, "My name is Lester Cheese." Lester sits down right behind John and proceeds to take his shoes and socks off. He has bunions on his feet and starts to pick at them.

John is watching in his rearview mirror and doesn't notice a stop sign as he blows through it. As luck would have it, a police officer is sitting there, pulls him over and starts really giving him a tongue-lashing for dangerous driving with kids on the bus.

John says to the officer, "Look, give me a break. Don't you realize what I have here? I've got two obese Pattys, Special Ross, Lester Cheese picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus!"

[micromass]

http://chzhistoriclols.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/funny-pictures-history-no-im-not-going-to-play-cards-with-you-youre-a-cheeta.jpg

[HeLiXe]

John says to the officer, "Look, give me a break. Don't you realize what I have here? I've got two obese Pattys, Special Ross, Lester Cheese picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus!"

This is great stuff

[Ivan Seeking]

TEL AVIV, Israel — The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials. You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: “Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is proud to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London. Shalom!”

[micromass]

If you believe in reincarnation, shouldn't your gravestone say BRB instead of RIP??

[Borek]

If you believe in reincarnation, shouldn't your gravestone say BRB instead of RIP??

Somehow it made me wonder if Gates grave shouldn't be blue.

Not that I wish him to die fast, don't get me wrong. I am just thinking about inevitable.

[gravenewworld]

http://cheezfailbooking.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/memebase.jpg?w=350

[DaveC426913]

http://cheezfailbooking.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/memebase.jpg?w=350
There was a very long-lasting thread on exactly this floating around here.

[Lancelot59]

There was a very long-lasting thread on exactly this floating around here.

Sounds entertaining, lets see if we can find it.

[DaveC426913]

Sounds entertaining, lets see if we can find it.

http://www.physicsforums.com/showthread.php?t=450364
http://www.physicsforums.com/showthread.php?t=452917

[Borek]

Made me think about taxicab geometry (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taxicab_geometry).

[Ibix]

A travelling salesmen is out in the middle of nowhere in central USA. He's looking for a place to stop for a bite to eat when he sees a sign saying 'Meet Chief Sitting Deer, the Indian with the perfect memory! Only $1!' and, even better, there's a cafe. He pulls over.

The food in the cafe isn't bad. The salesman figures he'll pass on meeting the chief, but the waitresses are all wearing 'I remember I met the Chief!' t-shirts, and his curiosity gets the better of him. He pays his dollar and goes in to the Chief's teepee.

The Chief is sitting cross-legged in front of a fire. 'Uh, hi,' says the salesman. The Chief holds out one hand, palm towards the salesman.

'How.'

'Uh, they say you remember everything,' says the salesman. 'I was wondering what you had for breakfast on 10th March 1987.'

The chief thinks for a minute, then says one word.

'Eggs.'

The salesman is impressed, but gets the impression that the show is over and takes his leave.

A few months later he's on the same route and sees the same sign. He needs a bite to eat, and he decides he'll see the Chief again. He figures that he ought to remember him if his memory is as good as it's supposed to be. He pays his dollar and goes in. He remembers the way the Chief greeted him last time, so does the same thing: holds his hand up, palm towards the Chief, and says 'How'.

The Chief thinks for a minute and says one word.

'Fried.'

[Anna Blanksch]

Did you hear about the Israeli man who died of food poisoning? Police suspect it was a hummus side.

[OmCheeto]

:rolleyes:

gads. yet another new genre....

is nothing sacred anymore?

Q: What do you call someone who covers his parts in chick peas, garlic and tahini?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

A: A hummusexual.

:blushing:

(welcome to PF Anna! :smile: )

[Anna Blanksch]

Hahaha! OmCheeto funny!

What's brown and sticky?

............


A stick! :)

[lisab]

Hahaha! OmCheeto funny!

What's brown and sticky?

............


A stick! :)

HA! That's so lame...I'm telling it to everyone today :smile:!

[FtlIsAwesome]

Asteroids are just A's on steroids.

[Drakkith]

Asteroids are just A's on steroids.

:cry:

[FtlIsAwesome]

:cry:
:rofl:

Hey, I'm putting the LAME back in LAME Jokes. :biggrin:

[Drakkith]

:rofl:

Hey, I'm putting the LAME back in LAME Jokes. :biggrin:

I couldn't agree more!

[edward]

There was a very humble man who lived in a village. His fellow villagers rewarded the man for being so humble by giving him a beautiful silver medal.

The first time he wore the medal the villagers took it back.

(groan)

[Lancelot59]

I make chemistry jokes periodically.

[Ivan Seeking]

I make chemistry jokes periodically.

When it comes to humor, chemistry jokes are elemental.

[Lancelot59]

When it comes to humor, chemistry jokes are elemental.

They can make good transitions into the next phase of your show.

[Ivan Seeking]

They can make good transitions into the next phase of your show.

And you can always expect a reaction.

[Lancelot59]

And you can always expect a reaction.

It really is a noble form of humour. You can get alkalines of laughs.

[Ivan Seeking]

It really is a noble form of humour. You can get alkalines of laughs.

But you have to spin it correctly.

[Lancelot59]

But you have to spin it correctly.

They can get a little bit quarky.

[Char. Limit]

They can get a little bit quarky.

But sometimes they can be positively hilarious.

[Lancelot59]

But sometimes they can be positively hilarious.

They are somewhat polar though, they can spin a crowd down if you don't balance things properly.

[DaveC426913]

OK, guys. This is 'Lame Jokes' thread, not the 'So Painful I'm Gnawing My Arm Off' thread.

[lisab]

http://s3.amazonaws.com/kym-assets/photos/images/original/000/157/300/5ik8.jpg?1318992465

[DaveC426913]

OK guys, this is the 'Lame Jokes' thread, not the 'lisab Has Amnesia' thread.

http://physicsforums.com/showpost.php?p=3627363&postcount=1926 (4 down)

[Lancelot59]

OK, guys. This is 'Lame Jokes' thread, not the 'So Painful I'm Gnawing My Arm Off' thread.

He He He...Did you run out of ideas?

[QuarkCharmer]

How do sulfur and oxygen communicate?

A sulfone.

[lisab]

OK guys, this is the 'Lame Jokes' thread, not the 'lisab Has Amnesia' thread.

http://physicsforums.com/showpost.php?p=3627363&postcount=1926 (4 down)

That's because they all argon!

[Drakkith]

That's because they all argon!

What did Plutonium say to Uranium when leaving?

Time to split!

[Lancelot59]

What did Plutonium say to Uranium when leaving?

Time to split!

Nice one. Also did nobody pick up on what I did in the last post I made?

[Drakkith]

Nice one. Also did nobody pick up on what I did in the last post I made?

Can't hear you. Gnawed my own ears off.

[DaveC426913]

Nice one. Also did nobody pick up on what I did in the last post I made?

Too subtle for me.

[Lancelot59]

Too subtle for me.
Okay then.
He He He...
He

[lisab]

Okay then.

He

:smile: OH NO!

[Lancelot59]

:smile: OH NO!

AAAAAAND she gets it.

[QuarkCharmer]

You guys are W I Er D.

[Andre]

which obviously, is weird

[FtlIsAwesome]

If you had to choose between living in the Arctic or the Antarctic, which would be the better choice?

Obviously, the Arctic, because there are no ants that will bite you.


How do sulfur and oxygen communicate?

A sulfone.
What if there's no signal?

[QuarkCharmer]

which obviously, is weird

There is a silent C after the W.:redface:

[Ivan Seeking]

Donald Trump is hosting a debate for the Republican party.

[FtlIsAwesome]

He
Ba



[xtrachar]

[FlexGunship]

Ba
Ba
Black

[lisab]

Black

OVINe

[FlexGunship]

Ba
Ba
Black
OVINe
Possess

[Lancelot59]

I found this amusing:
http://i.qkme.me/3cox.jpg
Oh batman...

[FlexGunship]

I found this amusing:
http://i.qkme.me/3cox.jpg
Oh batman...

C-C-C-C-Combo Breaker!

[Lancelot59]

C-C-C-C-Combo Breaker!

:C

Now I see what's going on.

[turbo]

Right over my head. ALIENS!

[DaveC426913]

Number of previous jokes I do not get: 2.

[Ivan Seeking]

What do snowmen want for Christmas?

Snowblowers.

[DaveC426913]

What did the women reindeer do with their evening while the men helped Santa?

Went into town and blew a few bucks.

[Borek]

Finally something I got.

[IMP]

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher.. He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.”

The rancher says, “Okay, but do not go in that field over there,” as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. “See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? ”

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis Bull……
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he’ll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs…..

“Your badge… Show him your badge!!”

[Lancelot59]

What do snowmen want for Christmas?

Snowblowers.

Ha! Quite funny.
What did the women reindeer do with their evening while the men helped Santa?

Went into town and blew a few bucks.I'm going to share these around...

[FtlIsAwesome]

What did K say to L?
Hello L.

[Borg]

Mmmm, BaCoN.

http://www.thinkgeek.com/images/products/frontsquare/d4a0_periodic_bacon.jpg

[Ivan Seeking]

Ha! Quite funny.
I'm going to share these around...

What happened when the snowman tried to buy a snowblower?

He got a snowjob.

[Lancelot59]

What happened when the snowman tried to buy a snowblower?

He got a snowjob.

I found that funny, my friend didn't though...

[Ivan Seeking]

I found that funny, my friend didn't though...

Obviously you have better taste than your friend does. :biggrin:

[turbo]

Mmmm, BaCoN.

http://www.thinkgeek.com/images/products/frontsquare/d4a0_periodic_bacon.jpgMmmmm! Bacon. I haz bacon, but the shirt would be nice, too.

[Borg]

Mmmmm! Bacon. I haz bacon, but the shirt would be nice, too.
The image is directly from the site where it's available.
Think Geek BaCoN shirt (http://www.thinkgeek.com/tshirts-apparel/unisex/sciencemath/d4a0/?srp=3)

[HeLiXe]

Mmmm, BaCoN.

http://www.thinkgeek.com/images/products/frontsquare/d4a0_periodic_bacon.jpg

:rofl::rofl::rofl: naturally i find this terribly hilarious lololz

[Lancelot59]

Obviously you have better taste than your friend does. :biggrin:
Indeed.

[FtlIsAwesome]

What is Santa's native language?
North Polish.

[Ivan Seeking]

Donald Trump is hosting a debate for the Republican party.

But Trump may be the only one there! :rofl:

All but two candidates have refused to attend.

[Lancelot59]

What smells and rings like a bell?




DUNGggggg...

[mrnicknames]

what did the pioneers say when they first stepped on afrikan soil?

we are in for a dark future...


meh... makes more sense in danish. and fvi im not white myself so i would´t consider it to be a racist joke, just... lame!

[DaveC426913]

and fvi im not white myself so i would´t consider it to be a racist joke, just... lame!
This is a common fallacy. Racism is racism, regardless of who speaks it.

[Borek]

This is a common fallacy. Racism is racism, regardless of who speaks it.

Then I am a racist. You don't want to know what I think about average white.

[Ivan Seeking]

Then I am a racist.

I tend to be racist when it comes to my driving.

[Lancelot59]

Then I am a racist. You don't want to know what I think about average white.

Lets not go there...

I tend to be racist when it comes to my driving.
HA! I get it...

[Ivan Seeking]

HA! I get it...

Uh oh, this is not a good sign!

You know what happens to racist drivers, right?

[Lancelot59]

Uh oh, this is not a good sign!

You know what happens to racist drivers, right?

They get speeding tickets, if they're doing it wrong.

[jiksaw213]

Name six animals which live in Arctic?
....2 polar bears and 4 seals!

[Ivan Seeking]

They get speeding tickets, if they're doing it wrong.

They get chased by a car of mixed race - a black and white.

[Lancelot59]

They get chased by a car of mixed race - a black and white.

That joke doesn't work for me. RCMP cars are white.

[Ivan Seeking]

RCMP cars are white.

Racist!

[Ivan Seeking]

Have you ever heard the old engineering tune...

Rho, rho, rho your boat...

[HeLiXe]

Have you ever heard the old engineering tune...

Rho, rho, rho your boat...:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[Borek]

I remember "Row, row, row your boat" being proposed as a new Cuban anthem.

[Ivan Seeking]

I remember "Row, row, row your boat" being proposed as a new Cuban anthem.

Yes, but the problem was that they didn't always rho their boats.

[turbo]

Yes, but the problem was that they didn't always rho their boats.And often, they rued their boats.

[Jimmy Snyder]

I went out for crew with the Iota Rho Beta frat.

[Ivan Seeking]

Hmmm, Kim Jong Il died. I didn't know he was Il.

[FizixFreak]

Hmmm, Kim Jong Il died. I didn't know he was Il.

He was Il his entire life but i am not sure if he was ever Ill:biggrin: get it?

[DaveC426913]

He was Il his entire life but i am not sure if he was ever Ill:biggrin: get it?

I think he got it, yeah. Did you?

[Borek]

Junior told me end of the world is a movable feast.

[Ivan Seeking]

My wife gave me Christmas magnets, for Christmas. I didn't understand what made them Christmas magnets until I realized that I can't stick them together - they only have a North Pole.

[Drakkith]

My wife gave me Christmas magnets, for Christmas. I didn't understand what made them Christmas magnets until I realized that I can't stick them together - they only have a North Pole.

Hahaha...

[HeLiXe]

My wife gave me Christmas magnets, for Christmas. I didn't understand what made them Christmas magnets until I realized that I can't stick them together - they only have a North Pole.
el oh el

[Ivan Seeking]

el oh el

During this holiday season, no els please.

[Ivan Seeking]

[Well I assumed that someone would finish the joke for me]

... so it should be "oh, oh, oh"

[Ivan Seeking]

http://img69.imageshack.us/img69/8692/missilesq.jpg (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/69/missilesq.jpg/)

[IMP]

Chicken Surprise

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise', The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly, and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.

He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down..rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?' The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'

'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'

[QuarkCharmer]

Gauss taught Sherlock Holmes to solve linear equations. "Eliminatory, my dear Holmes," he explained.

[I like Serena]

Gauss taught Sherlock Holmes to solve linear equations. "Eliminatory, my dear Holmes," he explained.

He must have misunderstood, because that's not how he explained it to Watson.

[Evo]

chicken surprise

a couple go for a meal at a chinese restaurant and order the 'chicken surprise', the waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly, and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.

He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down..rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?' the husband replies, 'chicken surprise.'

'ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'i bring you peeking duck!'lol!

[IMP]

No matter how much you push the envelope, it will remain stationery.

[Lancelot59]

No matter how much you push the envelope, it will remain stationery.

So poke a hole in it instead?

[Tea Jay]

There was a hail storm, and the body shop was crowded with people wanting the dings taken out of their cars. A blond was having trouble understanding what the counter person was saying, and he got exasperated, and told her to just go home, and blow in the tail pipe really hard until all the dings pop back out.


A while later her other blond friend comes over, and sees her blowing really hard on the tail pipe over and over again...and asks what she's doing.

She explains, and the other blond walks around the car, thinking, and finally exclaims "You IDIOT!!!! You have to roll up the windows first!!!"

[Tea Jay]

A blind guy at the bar says, "hey, I have this great blond joke..."

One of the guys at the bar stops him, and says, "Wait, just so you know, I'm blond, and a 5th degree blackbelt, Sven there is blond, and is a professional boxer, and Oleg there is blond, and a pro wrestler.....none of us is less than 6' 5" tall, and all of us are built like body builders...are you SURE you want to tell a blond joke?"

And the blind guys listens, and says, well, I guess not under the circumstances, I'd hate to have to explain it three times.

[Tea Jay]

Do you know the difference between a jug of milk and a dozen ferocious rabid wolverines?






"No, what?"







Remind me to never send you to get groceries.....

[Tea Jay]

Tachyon

Who's there?


Knock Knock

[Lancelot59]

I like those! Lolz were had.

[Tea Jay]

Did you hear about the blond tachyon?


She was a fast woman, but wanted dinner AFTER....

[jtbell]

Have you ever noticed that stupid ideas (or jokes! :biggrin:) seem to become smarter when they come at you rapidly?

It's called the dopeler effect.

[Drakkith]

I wanted a good joke at the expense of someone else, so I went to the mirror and laughed like a maniac.

[IMP]

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

[HeLiXe]

lololz

[turbo]

Why was the rap-singing stunt-pilot arrested?

For jinking and jiving.

[Drakkith]

Why was the rap-singing stunt-pilot arrested?

For jinking and jiving.

This one...hurts...my brain...

[HeLiXe]

lololollollll that was so great

[Ivan Seeking]

http://img407.imageshack.us/img407/4806/girlscouts.jpg (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/407/girlscouts.jpg/)

[Ivan Seeking]

Son: Dad, how will I know when it's the right time to get married?

Dad: When the little stick turns blue.

[Borek]

- If I die first, please, marry Jake.
- I thought you hate him?
- Exactly.

[gatztopher]

Saw this here ( http://tony.aiu.to/jokes/condoms.html ) had to post it

The Klein Bottle Condom: Modeled after the Klein bottle by a sexologist/topologist doing a study on transpatial invagination, Kleins are only for the most adventurous condom wearer since it is almost as difficult to get one off as it is to get it on (doing either has been compared to solving Rubik's cube). Theoretically, since they are one-sided, they must be totally impermeable and therefore the most effective condoms. Others believe the condom is so effective because it redirects the load into the fourth dimension (this may explain the "warning: side affects include becoming one's own grandpa"). Each package comes with an instruction booklet that is, unfortunately, 58 pages long.

[csmcmillion]

One Young-Earth Creationist says to another "Which is closer - the Moon or Mexico"? The other points at the Moon and replies "The Moon - Duh! You can't see Mexico from here".

[feathermoon]

Two fish are in a tank, one looks at the other and says...

..."You man the guns, I'll drive!"

Get it? Fish can't talk! :rofl:

[feathermoon]

Q: How many Polish people does it take to elect the mayor of Warsaw?

A: Approximately 400,000, a plurality of the average number of voters in mayoral elections.

Q: Why do so few flights take off from Wroclaw?

A: Because you have to be very careful when putting simple Poles on complex planes.

[Ivan Seeking]

Two fish are in a tank, one looks at the other and says...

..."You man the guns, I'll drive!"

Shouldn't that read, "You fish the guns, I'll drive!"?

[I_am_learning]

Teacher: There are 5 oranges on a mango tree. If I pick up 3 tomatoes how many potatoes would be left?
Students: It would be, 2 Elephants sir.
Teacher: Fantastic, How did you figure it out?
Students: Because we have omelets for our lunch today.

Moral of the Story: You have to brush your teeth twice daily, otherwise you would have rats on your home.

(Does this joke qualify for lame joke? (I don't actually know what a lame joke is?))

[Isaacsname]

Do you know what's the most difficult thing about licking hallucinogenic toads ?

They're ticklish when you get down around the testes. :eek:

[Ivan Seeking]

Last night, my wife, Tsu, and I had little disagreement. After a bit of discussion she agreed that I was right. "Of course I am", said I, "That's why God made me the man!"

She just stared at me; apparently left speechless by this amazing demonstration of perfect logic.

[Drakkith]

Last night, my wife, Tsu, and I had little disagreement. After a bit of discussion she agreed that I was right. "Of course I am", said I, "That's why God made me the man!"

She just stared at me; apparently left speechless by this amazing demonstration of perfect logic.

Was that all your stuff outside on the lawn this morning?

[Lancelot59]

Was that all your stuff outside on the lawn this morning?

Or mysteriously missing with a big black stain on the lawn?

[Isaacsname]

I'm voting for this guy

:biggrin:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4d_FvgQ1csE&feature=player_embedded#!

[IMP]

http://a4.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/397557_308600239173774_100000714007923_1004846_169 7206467_n.jpg

[checkitagain]

The answers are typed with the text in reverse.



Question:

What is a young sheepda called?








Answer:

adbmal a


-----------------------------------------


Question:

Why do mathematicians grow their plants
in boxes?








Answer:


.stoor erauqs teg ot tnaw yehT

[DaveC426913]

:smile: checkitgain: use the SPOILER tag (icon looks like an eye) in the advanced text editor.

[Ivan Seeking]

Was that all your stuff outside on the lawn this morning?

Or mysteriously missing with a big black stain on the lawn?

Oh heck no! She is much more devious than that!!! :biggrin: Luckily I can sleep with one eye open.

[Lancelot59]

Oh heck no! She is much more devious than that!!! :biggrin: Luckily I can sleep with one eye open.

If you need a dog house I might be able to get you some good quality canadian lumber.

[JonDE]

An Irishman walks past a bar

[DaveC426913]

:rofl: Faith 'n beggorah, I actually lol'd.

[Ivan Seeking]

Question: Do I believe in premarital sex?

What a silly question! Not only do I believe in it, it can easily be shown to be far more likely to exist than postmarital sex.

[Borek]

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/yesandno

[Borek]

I am not convinced it is that lame...

http://www.thepaincomics.com/Science%20vs.%20Norse.jpg

(too large image, so I am posting just a link).

[Ivan Seeking]

God is love. So you and I are about to make God, baby!
- Stephen Colbert

[Ivan Seeking]

There is a standard joke in either Iowa, or possibly New Hampshire, that references the personal contact voters get with Presidential candidates.

What do you think of Romney?

I don't know yet. I've only met the man twice.

[Ivan Seeking]

See, Bo, we call those Tea Dogs. But they don't like to play like the other dogs.

http://abcnews.go.com/images/Politics/ht_president_barack_obama_dog_bo_ll_120130_wblog.j pg

[Ivan Seeking]

Engineers' New Conversion Table

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

[Lancelot59]

Engineers' New Conversion Table

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

I found that amusing. Did you come up with that yourself?

[rktpro]

Newton never went to toilet. If he had, gravity would have been discovered much earlier.

[Ivan Seeking]

Did you come up with that yourself?

Heck no. :biggrin: It was copied from an email.

[checkitagain]

This is mine:
------------



A man was arrested and convicted for washing clothes
without separating the colors.


He was sent to prism.

[Anna Blanksch]

Engineers' New Conversion Table is great!!
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

Hahahaha...
Also, sent to prism for not separating the colors... wonderful.

Speaking of prison... The energizer bunny was arrested. He was charged with battery.

[Ivan Seeking]

It has long been said that one should beware of Greeks bearing gifts. The question Europe faces now, is whether to trust Greeks bearing debts.

[Anna Blanksch]

A buffalo goes to his first day of school. As he walks away the mother says, "Bison!"

[DaveC426913]

What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

A buffalo is a North American plains mammal.

A bison is wot an Ohstrahlian woshes is 'ands in.

[Evo]

What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

A buffalo is a North American plains mammal.

A bison is wot an Ohstrahlian woshes is 'ands in.
:rofl:

[Jimmy Snyder]

There was a young woman who lived in a shoe. She didn't have any children, but she knew what to do.

[Anna Blanksch]

Two wrongs don't make a right, but what do two rights make?

.... The first airplane.

[Ivan Seeking]

Given that Republicans have long accused Obama supporters of believing him to be Christ, it is now clear to me that the world really will end this year, just as some have predicted using the Mayan calendar. Obviously, Obama’s reelection in November will be no less than the long prophesied, second coming of Christ. According to the Bible, his second term will last 1000 years.

[lisab]

Given that Republicans have long accused Obama supporters of believing him to be Christ, it is now clear to me that the world really will end this year, just as some have predicted using the Mayan calendar. Obviously, Obama’s reelection in November will be no less than the long prophesied, second coming of Christ. According to the Bible, his second term will last 1000 years.

Lol!

[WhoWee]

Given that Republicans have long accused Obama supporters of believing him to be Christ, it is now clear to me that the world really will end this year, just as some have predicted using the Mayan calendar. Obviously, Obama’s reelection in November will be no less than the long prophesied, second coming of Christ. According to the Bible, his second term will last 1000 years.

tsk, tsk, tsk...shame, shame, shame (insert 'wink' - it's not in the menu?)

[DaveC426913]

tsk, tsk, tsk...shame, shame, shame (insert 'wink' - it's not in the menu?)
#11: :wink:
(or simply type : wink :)

[Jimmy Snyder]

Two wrongs don't make a right, but what do two rights make?
Three rights make a left.

[Lancelot59]

Three rights make a left.

So does seven. Two rights make an about turn.

[OmCheeto]

I did something today that I don't think I've done since 2nd grade.
I finished a book in one day. 190 pages!

Jim Clifton: The Coming Jobs War

63% of me strongly agreed with 85% of his conclusions
16% of me strongly disagreed with 8% of his conclusions
10% of me thought 2% was just his biased opinion
and
11% of me had no comment

---------------------------------
Jim Clifton is CEO for the Gallup Organization

[Anna Blanksch]

What did the sheep say to his clone?

...I am ewe!

[Borg]

I did something today that I don't think I've done since 2nd grade.
I finished a book in one day. 190 pages!

Jim Clifton: The Coming Jobs War

63% of me strongly agreed with 85% of his conclusions
16% of me strongly disagreed with 8% of his conclusions
10% of me thought 2% was just his biased opinion
and
11% of me had no comment

---------------------------------
Jim Clifton is CEO for the Gallup Organization

I think that the margin of error is likely to be pretty large for a poll of one.

[Jonathan Scott]

What did the sheep say to his clone?

...I am ewe!

Works better with HER clone.

[SHISHKABOB]

http://longestjokeintheworld.com/ or http://www.readability.com/articles/zqlm5gdi if reading it like that is a pain

warning- really long

[Jimmy Snyder]

http://longestjokeintheworld.com/
I read that joke before, but it was called the widest joke in the world.

[SHISHKABOB]

I read that joke before, but it was called the widest joke in the world.

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

oh god

[OmCheeto]

I think that the margin of error is likely to be pretty large for a poll of one.

I am in the early stages of Alzheimers, and have already forgotten nearly everything I've read.

If I read it again, and analyze it again, does that cut the margin of error in half?

[QuarkCharmer]

So does seven.

So does 3+4n rights.

[Vacade]

When in a cold room,which part of the room would you go to?



The corner. Because its 90 degrees.

[checkitagain]

There's a paradox about a barber in a town who only shaves people
who don't shave themselves.


Anyway, when this barber shaves a person, what does he use?



He uses Occam's Razor.


--------------------------------------------------------------------


And when the barber trims someone's hair and parts it in certain ways,
what is he doing?




He is making Dedekind Cuts.

[mcknia07]

These are the jokes I sometimes get... Mind you... Yes I am blonde. Doesn't mean I like them tho, lol.

[I like Serena]

There's a paradox about a barber in a town who only shaves people
who don't shave themselves.


Anyway, when this barber shaves a person, what does he use?



He uses Occam's Razor.

Isn't that barber female?
So she does not need to apply that Razor to herself.

[rollcast]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotchman walk into a bar.

The barman says to them, "Is this some sort of joke?"

[jtbell]

a Scotchman walk into a bar.

Say "Scotch" only when you're thirsty, mon. :smile:

[SHISHKABOB]

Why is ten times two the same as two times eleven?

Because ten times two is twenty, and two times eleven is twenty, too.

[Jimmy Snyder]

I made a wooden car with a wooden engine and wooden wheels but it wooden go.

[OmCheeto]

I told someone yesterday, that I might share their "joke".

Would this be a hasbean?

Man killed buried under 20-foot mound of pinto beans (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/9148115/Man-killed-buried-under-20-foot-mound-of-pinto-beans.html)

:redface:

[Naty1]

What is the difference between boogers and broccoli?
Kids won't eat broccoli!

What is Mozart doing now?
decomposing.

[dkotschessaa]

So does 3+4n rights.

I was just about to post that... lol

Reminds me of (a joke that might already be here) the mathematician who scolds his kids "I've I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times!"

[DaveC426913]

What is Mozart doing now?
decomposing.
http://www.lyricsdepot.com/monty-python/decomposing-composers.html

[dkotschessaa]

Bad math joke told to me by a physics grad student over spring break:

Halfway through a recent airplane flight from Warsaw to New York, there was nearly a major disaster when the flight crew got sick from eating the fish. After they had passed out, one of the flight attendants asked over the intercom if there were any pilots in the cabin.

An elderly gentleman, who had flown a bit in the war, raised his hand and was rushed into the cockpit of the 747. When he got there, took the seat, and saw all the displays and controls, he realized he was in over his head. He told the flight attendant that he didn't think he could fly this plane. When asked why not, he replied,

"I am just a simple Pole in a complex plane"

[DaveC426913]

I've told you a million times - don't hyperbolize!

[Ivan Seeking]

A barber is busily working away when a young man pops his head into the shop and asks how long it will be until he can get his hair cut. “About two hours”, say the barber. “Alright, thanks.” says the young man, who then leaves and never returns for his hair cut. About a week later he pops in again and asks how long until he can get a cut. The barber indicated that he would be ready in about an hour, so again the young man left and didn’t return. A few weeks later he shows up again with the same question. “I can get you in in about three hours” says the barber, and again the young man leaves. So this time the barber asked his associate to follow the young man and see where he goes. He wants to know why he keeps losing the young man’s business. “He’s probably going to that new place up the street”, the barber mumbles. His associate leaves and returns a time later. “So where is he going?, asked the barber. “To meet your wife” replies the associate.

[rollcast]

A man goes to the doctor's and says, "Doctor I think I've got hereditory diarrhea"
The doctor says, "Why do you think that?"
The man replies, "Because its in my jeans!"

[Borek]

Husband wakes up his wife.
- I brought you a pill for your headache.
- I don't have a headache!
- Gotcha!

[miniradman]

One for the ladies on the forums ;)

If you were an angle, you'd be acute one :blushing:

[QuarkCharmer]

I was following this truck driver on the highway for a while and he kept stopping, getting out and tapping the side of his truck with a pipe and getting back in. A few minutes later, he stopped, got out, rapped on the metal sided truck and then got back in again! Every few minutes he would get out and repeat this. I was curious, so I pulled up beside him and asked, "Hey, why do you keep doing that?". He replied "I've got a 3 ton truck and 6 tons of chickens back there, I need to keep half of them flying".

[rollcast]

I tried to invent a TV recorder using milk, it didn't work very well the first time, all I got was a load of white noise.

The second time round it worked so I decided to watch it although I didn't spend to long on it, I just skimmed through it.

[lisab]

If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.

[DaveC426913]

If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.

:rofl:

[dkotschessaa]

A friend of mine found a mis-subtitled video the other day that had "Brownie in motion" instead of "brownian motion."

It's not a joke yet, but it could be...

[OmCheeto]

A friend of mine found a mis-subtitled video the other day that had "Brownie in motion" instead of "brownian motion."

It's not a joke yet, but it could be...

hmmm.... wasn't sure if a "pen is broken" joke was appropriate, but I'll push the envelope.

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/p480x480/485368_405063019523157_205344452828349_1469099_478 178142_n.jpg

[Lancelot59]

hmmm.... wasn't sure if a "pen is broken" joke was appropriate, but I'll push the envelope.

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/p480x480/485368_405063019523157_205344452828349_1469099_478 178142_n.jpg

I think it's fine. It's also quite amusing.

[lisab]

hmmm.... wasn't sure if a "pen is broken" joke was appropriate, but I'll push the envelope.

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/p480x480/485368_405063019523157_205344452828349_1469099_478 178142_n.jpg

The adolescent in me likes that :biggrin:.

[mathwonk]

I m not sure this is a joke. But last week I was having a hard day and I go to my psychiatrist and lie down and start telling my story. He meanwhile is busily taking notes. Then at one point he leans over and asks: "Say, is 'nut job' hyphenated?"

[lisab]

I m not sure this is a joke. But last week I was having a hard day and I go to my psychiatrist and lie down and start telling my story. He meanwhile is busily taking notes. Then at one point he leans over and asks: "Say, is 'nut job' hyphenated?"

:rofl: That was definitely a joke!

This one, not so sure...but I like it :devil::

Two psychiatrists were coming into the office one morning. They exchanged morning greetings, and one said to the other, "I made the funniest Freudian slip this morning!" The other said, "Oh what was it?" He replied, "Well, I meant to say, 'Sweetheart, will you please pass the strawberry jam?', but what I actually said was, 'Damn you, you ruined my life!'"

[jtbell]

Have you heard about the psychiatrist and proctologist who opened a joint practice? They named it "Odds and Ends."

[AlephZero]

Have you heard about the psychiatrist and proctologist who opened a joint practice?

There is a genuine partnership of UK solicitors (= US attorneys) called Moody and Woolley.
http://www.moodyandwoolley.co.uk/

[DaveC426913]

There is a genuine partnership of UK solicitors (= US attorneys) called Moody and Woolley.
http://www.moodyandwoolley.co.uk/

:rofl:

[FtlIsAwesome]

If Megaupload is down, does that mean that Megadownload is up?

[Jimmy Snyder]

Have you heard about the psychiatrist and proctologist who opened a joint practice?
Isn't that a paradox?

[dkotschessaa]

http://a4.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/397557_308600239173774_100000714007923_1004846_169 7206467_n.jpg

Laughed so hard.

[dkotschessaa]

A Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you." So I didn't.

[dkotschessaa]

Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."

[dkotschessaa]

Today's math joke:

Two male mathematicians are in a bar.

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics.

The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress.

He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer one third x cubed.

She repeats `one thir -- dex cue'? He repeats `one third x cubed'.

Her: `one thir dex cuebd'? Yes, that's right, he says. So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, `one thir dex cuebd...'.

The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math.

He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees.

The second man calls over the waitress and asks `what is the integral of x squared?'.

The waitress says `one third x cubed' and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder `plus a constant'!

[I like Serena]

Today's math joke:

Two male mathematicians are in a bar.

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics.

The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress.

He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer one third x cubed.

She repeats `one thir -- dex cue'? He repeats `one third x cubed'.

Her: `one thir dex cuebd'? Yes, that's right, he says. So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, `one thir dex cuebd...'.

The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math.

He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees.

The second man calls over the waitress and asks `what is the integral of x squared?'.

The waitress says `one third x cubed' and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder `plus a constant'!

Like! :)

[xunxine]

Why does everyone like the mushroom?
Because he's such a fungi.

[rollcast]

Remember, grammar is the difference between, "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse," and "I helped my uncle jack off a horse."

[IMP]

http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/3719183_460s.jpg

[Saxby]

Even in 3D, they didn't see that iceburg coming :(

[jtbell]

There is a genuine partnership of UK solicitors (= US attorneys) called Moody and Woolley.
http://www.moodyandwoolley.co.uk/

Just down the street from Dewey, Cheatham and Howe, I'll wager.

[Dodo]

How to distinguish between a psychiatrist and a psychologist:

Present her with a chess problem.

If she starts talking to the black king, she's a psychologist.
If she removes the pieces, and repositions them in the order they should be, she's a psychiatrist.

[jbmiller]

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

[phylotree]

....
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
:rofl:

[dkotschessaa]

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

Did you know the invisible man and the invisible woman got married? Their kids are nothing to look at though...

[Jimmy Snyder]

Did you know the invisible man and the invisible woman got married? Their kids are nothing to look at though...
What did they see in each other?

[jobyts]

They first met in a nude beach.

[rollcast]

Q. Why can't you play cards on the savannah?

A. 'Cause there's too many cheetahs.

[rollcast]

http://imgboot.com/images/ritchie888/3223042912906605357568105355762891348271n.jpg

[Anna Blanksch]

"Did you know the invisible man and the invisible woman got married? Their kids are nothing to look at though..."
"What did they see in each other?...."

Hahaha! SO good!

A newspaper hosted a pun competition where whoever submitted the best pun to the paper would win a prize. A man submitted ten of his best puns hoping that one would win but.... no pun in ten did.

:)

[Ivan Seeking]

Sitting in the living room we had a one-inch diameter metal tube, about thirty inches long, that suddenly looked like it might make a good trumpet. So I gave it a go. Sure enough, it worked like a champ and sounded like a South American soccer game in our living room. Suddenly Tsu came ripping around the corner from the kitchen with a look on her face that lands somewhere between shock and panic. She saw me, froze, glared, and with a definite tone declared that she thought we had an elk or a cow in our living room! :rofl:

I haven't been able to stop chuckling and laughing ever since.

[QuarkCharmer]

The past, present, and future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

[dkotschessaa]

The past, present, and future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

That made me search for these:

What's the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has claws at the end of its paws and one is a pause at the end of a clause.

Q: What's another name for Santa's elves?
A: Subordinate Clauses

Teacher: "Josephine, give me a sentence beginning with I."
Josephine: "I is ..."
Teacher: "No, Josephine. It's always 'I am...' "
Josephine: "OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

[QuarkCharmer]

Teacher: "Josephine, give me a sentence beginning with I."
Josephine: "I is ..."
Teacher: "No, Josephine. It's always 'I am...' "
Josephine: "OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

haha:rofl:

[Ivan Seeking]

Mr President, I know you won't be able to laugh at any of my jokes about the Secret Service, so cover your ears, if that's physically possible.
- Jimmy Kimmel

[Ivan Seeking]

Personally, I don't see what the big problem is with the SS hiring prostitutes; as long as they're all Democrats.

[Greg Bernhardt]

Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.

[lisab]

Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.

Lol...:smile:

[dkotschessaa]

A student riding in a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited he asks, "Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?"

[fuzzyfelt]

:) I like that, too!

[dkotschessaa]

ok I just made up a lame joke

"Is this really the marine mammal campground?"
"Yes, it is for all in tents and porpoises."

sorry...

[jobyts]

A tough looking group of bikers were out riding when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge... so they stopped and parked their Harleys.

Their leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you
doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity either, so he asked her... "Well, before you jump, why don't
you give me a kiss?"

So she does...

And it was a long, deep, lingering, spine-tingling kiss.

After she's finished, the biker leader says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've
ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why
in the world would you want to commit suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl..."

The authorities think she may have been pushed…

[Darken-Sol]

a physicist gets pulled over for speeding
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
physicist: no but i know where i am

[HeLiXe]

http://imgboot.com/images/ritchie888/3223042912906605357568105355762891348271n.jpg

:rofl:

[Ibix]

A bumper sticker seen by a friend (or so he says) in the car park at CERN:

IF THIS APPEARS BLUE YOU
ARE TRAVELING TOO FAST

[Darken-Sol]

man: doctor, docter, i broke my arm in two places.

doctor: well, dont go back to those places

[Drakkith]

A bumper sticker seen by a friend (or so he says) in the car park at CERN:

IF THIS APPEARS BLUE YOU
ARE TRAVELING TOO FAST

Love it!

[HeLiXe]

A bumper sticker seen by a friend (or so he says) in the car park at CERN:

IF THIS APPEARS BLUE YOU
ARE TRAVELING TOO FAST
lolz
man: doctor, docter, i broke my arm in two places.

doctor: well, dont go back to those places
:rofl:

[Anna Blanksch]

ok I just made up a lame joke

"Is this really the marine mammal campground?"
"Yes, it is for all in tents and porpoises."

sorry...


Hahaha....
Greg, your Einstein one was awesome too. Hahaha. These are all great.

[Anna Blanksch]

Teacher: "Josephine, give me a sentence beginning with I."
Josephine: "I is ..."
Teacher: "No, Josephine. It's always 'I am...' "
Josephine: "OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

Also very funny! hahaha... I definitely will tell my teacher friends this one. :)

[Infinitum]

a physicist gets pulled over for speeding
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
physicist: no but i know where i am


A bumper sticker seen by a friend (or so he says) in the car park at CERN:

IF THIS APPEARS BLUE YOU
ARE TRAVELING TOO FAST

These rock!! :!!)

Really not fit for the 'lame jokes' thread...

[Borek]

Not a joke, true story. I went to my neighbor to ask about something and complained I have a very low BP (apparently I was ill last week). "You have a low BP? I will give you a phone number to Aunt Mary." Yes, I know her aunt - and that was a perfect idea.

[Anna Blanksch]

A hole was found in a wall at the nudist camp. The police are looking into it...

[Jimmy Snyder]

A two seat plane crashed into a graveyard. The death toll is already at 692 and rescuers are continuing to dig up bodies.

[dkotschessaa]

A two seat plane crashed into a graveyard. The death toll is already at 692 and rescuers are continuing to dig up bodies.

We have a very exclusive graveyard here. People are just dying to get in.

(Oldie but goody, and very lame!)

[Jimmy Snyder]

We have a very exclusive graveyard here. People are just dying to get in.

(Oldie but goody, and very lame!)
Are there benches there for rigor mortis to set in?

[lisab]

A hole was found in a wall at the nudist camp. The police are looking into it...

Someone broke into the police station overnight and stole all the toilet seats. The thief left no clues, and police have nothing to go on.

[Borek]

Anna should start to post in Relationship :wink:

[lisab]

What goes off, until you turn it off?



An alarm clock.

[rohitm95]

cow crossed the road