Science Jokes

[Ivan Seeking]

A wide selection of science humor.

http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes/

[gnome]

More science humor:

http://www.physicsforums.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=7586

[chroot]

Originally posted by gnome
More science humor:

http://www.physicsforums.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=7586
[:D] [:D] [:D] [:D]

- Warren

[EvilPoet]

About 1966 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface. Along with all the trucks and large vehicles, there were two large figures dressed in full Lunar spacesuits.

Nearby a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting ready to go to the moon.

The man became very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape recorder. After the man gave them his message, they asked his son to translate. His son would not.

Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate.

Finally, with cash in hand, someone translated the message, "Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land."

Source: http://www.jamesoberg.com/humor.html

[Ivan Seeking]

My wife and I attended a lecture by test pilot Chuck Yeager - who first broke the speed of sound in the Bell X-1.

http://www.chuckyeager.org/htm_docs/x1.shtml

Yeager's personal photos of this plane show a distinct bump on one side of the nose of this otherwise sleek aircraft. Back in the heyday of these activities, Yeager enjoyed telling people about the complex design features that underlie of this mysterious 6 inch deformation in the skin of the craft. He readily admits to really hamming this up just for fun. He would allude to the complex aerodynamics of shock waves and such - real big league science.

In fact, according to Yeager, as the plane was being built, one of the last installations involved cables that had to be routed to the nose of the plane. No room was left for this cable run so the metal in the skin was pounded out to make room; so these cables to be strung around a metal beam. A truly complex design feature! [:D]

[Integral0]

The mother is 21 years older than the child.
In 6 years, the mother will be 5 times as old as the child.

Question: Where's the father?










answer:
-9 months . . . think about it [;)]

[EvilPoet]

For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers. The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light.

First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room. So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker.

A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range. There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again. Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle.

Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker.

Source: The Dark Sucker Theory page (http://home.netcom.com/~rogermw/darksucker.html)

[Brad_Ad23]

Hilarious! The Dark Sucker!

[too bad my flashlight that operates on Farady's Principle disproves it, because I liked that theory! *wipes tears*)

[chroot]

Q: How does a mathematician deal with constipation?

A: He works it out with a pencil.

- Warren

[gingersnap_girl]

Physics Saves Lives

As part of the standard curriculum in a pre-med college, the
students had to take a difficult class in physics. One day, the
professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. Part
way through the class, a student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do
we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives," the professor responded quickly and continued the
lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does
physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It usually keeps idiots like you out of medical school,"
replied the professor.

[Monique]

:) very funny, probably a true concept too :)

Don't most med schools start off their junior year with anatomy classes = cutting in corpses, to filter the ones who really aren't up to it?

[EvilPoet]

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by University physicists here. The element, tentatively named administratium (Ad), has no protons or electrons, which means that it has atomic number 0 and falls outside the natural patterns exhibited by other elements. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistants to the neutron, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistants to the vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. The 312 particles are held together by a force involving the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called "memos".

Because it has no protons or electrons, administratium is inert. Nonetheless, it can be detected chemically, in that it seems to impede every reaction in which it is present. According to one of the discoverers, even a small amount of administratium made one reaction which normally lasts less than a second take more than four days.

Administratium has a half-life of approximately three years. It does not actually decay. Instead, it undergoes a reorganization in which a vice neutron, assistants to the vice neutron and certain assistants to the neutron exchange places. Some studies have indicated that its mass actually increases after each reorganization, although this is yet to be explained. Another phenomenon which has been observed, as expected from the mechanics of minute particles, is that the more one tries to pin down the positions of vice neutrons within the structure of administratium, the more uncertain those positions become.

Within a short time after the discovery was announced, the existence of the element was confirmed in laboratories around the world. In addition, a team at the University of Utah told a press conference they had been able to create administratium in fusion experiments conducted at ordinary room temperature. Using highly sophisticated probability detectors, the team had monitored a stream of memos from a FAX-mounted device. Dr. May B. No and her associate, Dr. May B. Yes, said the details of their experiment were being kept confidential, pending further development of the data. But, they claimed, there were definitely more memos that came out of the device than went in.

[Ivan Seeking]

Originally posted by gingersnap_girl
"It usually keeps idiots like you out of medical school,"
replied the professor.

What do you call the medical student who graduates last in his or her class?



















Doctor. [8)]

[Integral]

Originally posted by Ivan Seeking
What do you call the medical student who graduates last in his or her class?




Doctor. [8)]

Jokes are supposed to be FUNNY!

LOL

[Integral]

After that last one it is open season.

See if you can find one worse then this:

To celebrate Halloween, all the math teachers and professors got together for a big costume party. Each dressed up as their favorite math function. One particularly mean and eccentric math professor dressed up as the derivative. He ran up to the teacher dressed as cos(x) and yelled "I derive you!" The teacher tore off his costume and scurried off looking for a -sin(x) costume. The prof ran up to another teacher who was dressed as 4x^5 and yelled "I derive you!" The teacher tore off his costume and went scurrying off, looking for a 20x^4 costume. The prof ran up to a 3rd teacher and screamed "I derive you!" The teacher just stood there with his arms crossed. "Didn't you hear me?! I DERIVE YOU!" he shouted. Again, the teacher stood there, but with a smug expression on his face. "I derive you! I derive you! I derive you!" the professor shouted while jumping up and down. The teacher looked at him and said "derive me all you want. I'm e^x."

[Ivan Seeking]

If it stinks; Biology

If it evacutes the building; Chemistry

It it wasn't finished; Engineering

If it doesn't work; Physics.

[jcsd]

There are 10 sorts of people in this world - those who understand binary and those who don't.

[chroot]

Originally posted by Integral
To celebrate Halloween, all the math teachers and professors got together for a big costume party.
This is horrible.. this joke.

- Warren

[Adrian Baker]

A sociology teacher was given a class to teach Math to in a junior school ...


"Now children", she said, "Write down how 7 must feel having 4 taken away from it......."
[:D]

[redrogue]

The cartoonist Sydney Harris can tickle a funnybone every now and then.

http://www.sciencecartoonsplus.com/gallery.htm

[:)]

[jimmy p]

Here is a story, it's not a joke... i'd hate to be this person!

-----------------------------------------------------------
THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK

We've all heard the phrase "you learn something new everyday."

Well, here's today's lesson: Think before you speak!! This actually happened at Harvard University in October last year.

In biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"

"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.

However as she was going out the door, the Prof's reply was classic.

Totally straight-faced he answered her question:
"It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

----------------------------------------------------------------
lol.

[Ivan Seeking]

Phillip Morrison
http://web.mit.edu/physics/facultyandstaff/faculty/philip_morrison.html

tells of an experience that he had while working on the Manhattan Project. He [perhaps someone else...but Morrison was there, I heard this many years ago from Morrison] carried the U-235 core of the bomb out of the lab for transport to the detonation site. He dropped it. When he did, he panicked and started to run.

[enigma]

grrr.

I've got a funny picture but I can't get it uploaded for some reason.

[BigRedDot]

Two neutrinos go through a bar...

[motai]

...and as they walked into the bar they were ignored by all of the other particles. Finally a bartender neutron stumbled upon them and said "hey 'lil dudes, up for some punch?" "Ill show you some punch!" the little neutrino said. Little neutrino got so pissed off at the service of the bar that it smashed into the neutron, causing it to collapse into protons and electrons.

A riot broke out until a rogue neutron hit a uranium atom, causing the entire bar to explode in a gigantic fireball.

[Integral]

A man finds a magic lamp, rubbed it, and poof, out comes a genie who gives him 3 wishes.

The man's first wish is to live forever and it is granted.

Then he realizes that eventually the universe will end so he wishes for the hubble constant to be zero and it is granted.

Satisfied, he sits back and wishes for a bowl of pudding. Poof, a bowl of pudding materializes out of nowhere, the hubble constant goes negative, and the universe collapses.

[Ivan Seeking]

The electron is not as simple as it looks.
-- (William) Lawrence Bragg, British Physicist(1890-1971)

"[Smart Experimentalist]: 'Yeah, it is reminiscent of what distinguishes the good theorists from the bad ones. The good ones always make an even number of sign errors, and the bad ones always make an odd number.'"
--Anthony Zee, Quantum Field Theory in a Nutshell

I know that this defies the law of gravity, but, you see, I never studied law.
-- Bugs Bunny

Researchers in Fairbanks Alaska announced last week that they have discovered a superconductor which will operate at room temperature. -- unknown

[Jimmy]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference.


--Heisenberg might have slept here.--

[Evo]

Sent to me by a John Schouweiler, a very sane man indeed.
*********

Subject: The Nature of Hell

Thermodynamic Question: Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?

If you don't know the answer, then please read the following response. Dr.Schambaugh, of the Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, is known for asking questions such as "why do airplanes fly?" on his final exams. His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II course was "Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into Hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, then you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more
than one religion, we can project that all people and souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change in volume in Hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to remain constant.

Two options exist:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

or,

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until all Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account that I have still not succeeded in having sexual relations with Theresa, then Option 2 cannot be true.

Thus, hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A in the course.

I wish had had the guts and wherewithal to write exam essays like that student in Oklahoma.

Whew, that was a lot of work for a laugh....you guys did laugh, didn't you?

Schouweiler

[Evo]

IN THE BEGINNING
(To justify God's ways to the 21st century)
>In the beginning was the computer. And God said
:Let there be light!
#You have not signed on yet.
:God.
#Enter user password.
:Omniscient.
#Password Incorrect. Try again.
:Omnipotent.
#Password Incorrect. Try again.
:Technocrat.
>And God signed on 12:01 a.m., Sunday, March 1.
:Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
:Create light.
#Done.
:Run heaven and earth.
>And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
>And God signed off at 12:02 a.m., Sunday, March 1.
#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.
>And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Monday, March 2.
:Let there be firmament in the midst of the water and
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
:Create firmament.
#Done.
:Run firmament.
>And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
>And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Monday, March 2.
#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.
>And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Tuesday, March 3.
:Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place
and let the dry land appear and
#Too many characters in string specification. Try again.
:Create dryland.
#Done.
:Run dryland.
>And God created Earth and Seas. And God saw there were 0 errors.
>And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Tuesday, March 3.
#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.
>And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Wednesday, March 4.
:Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the
night.
#Unspecified type. Try again.
:Create sunmoonstars.
>And God created Sun, Moon, Stars. And God saw there were 0 errors.
>And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Wednesday, March 4.
#Approx. funds remaining: $54:00.
>And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Thursday, March 5.
:Create fish.
#Done.
:Create fowl.
#Done.
:Run fish'nfowl.
>And God created the great seamonsters and every living creature
that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and
every winged fowl after its kind. 0 errors.
>And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Thursday, March 5.
#Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.
>And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Friday, March 6.
:Create cattle.
#Done.
:Create creepy things.
#Done.
:Now let us make man in our image.
#Unspecified type. Try again.
:Create man.
#Done.
:Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it
and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over of the fowl
of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the
earth.
#Too many command operands. Try again.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
:Insert breath.
#Done.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 5 errors.
:Move man to Garden of Eden.
#File Garden of Eden does not exist.
:Create Gard.En.
#Done.
:Move man to Gard.En.
#Done.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.
:Copy woman from man.
#Done.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 3 errors.
:Insert woman into man.
#Illegal parameters. Try again.
:Insert man into woman.
#Done.
:Run multiplication. #Execution terminated. 2 errors.
:Create desire.
#Done.
:Run multiplication.
>And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the
Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Create freewill.
#Done.
:Run freewill.
>And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the
Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Undo desire.
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
:Destroy freewill.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Help.
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Create Treeofknowledge.
>And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in the
Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Create good'nevil.
#Done.
:Activate evil.
#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning: System error in sector E95. Man'nwoman not in
Gard.En. #1 errors.
:Scan Gard.En. for man'nwoman.
#Man'nwoman cannot be located. Try again.
:Search Gard.En. for man'nwoman.
#Search failed.
:Delete shame.
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
:Destroy freewill.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
:Stop.
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
:Break
:Break
:Break
#ATTENTION ALL USERS ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR
REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE
SIGN OFF.
:Create new world.
#You have exceeded your allotted file space. You must destroy
old files before new ones can be created.
:Destroy earth.
#Destroy earth. Please confirm.
:Destroy earth confirmed.
#COMPUTER DOWN. COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME ON SUNDAY
MARCH 8 AT 6:00 A.M. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
>And God signed off at 11:59 p.m., Friday, March 6.
>And God saw he had zero funds remaining.

[Miles]

The following was published in The New York Times. This is a NYU
College admissions application essay question, and an actual answer written by an applicant:

------------------------------------

Question 3A: In order for the admissions staff of our college to get
To know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question:

Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?

-------------------------------------


Answer:

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes.

I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello. I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.

Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA.

I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.

I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.


----------------------

He was accepted.

[Monique]

My ex-roommate sent me this by email :)

Subject: HOW TO CATCH LION

How to catch the lion DIFFERENT THEORIES.

1. Newton's Method:
Let, the lion catch you. For every action there is
equal and opposite reaction.Implies you caught lion

2. Einstein Method:
Run in the direction opposite to that of the
lion.Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will
also run faster and will get
tired soon. Now you can trap it easily.

3. Schrodinger Method:
At any given moment, there is a positive probability
that lion to be in the cage. So set the trap, sit
down and wait.

4. Inverse Transformation Method:
We place a spherical cage in the forest and enter
it.Perform an inverse transformation with respect to
lion. Lion is in and we are out.

5. Thermodynamic Procedure:
We construct a semi-permeable membrane which allows
everything to pass it except lions. Then sweep the
entire forest with it.

6. Integration Differential Method:
Integrate the forest over the entire area. The lion
is some where in the result. So differentiate the
result PARTIALLY w.r.t lion to trace out the lion

7. Prim's algorithm First find the minimum spanning
tree from trees in jungle. It builds upon a single
partial minimum spanning tree, at each step adding an
edge connecting the vertex nearest to but not already
in the current partial minimum spanning tree so that
you catch he lion.

Greedy method : Try all the methods above till u catch
the lion.

GOT FRUSTRATED

Now lets kill the lion...

Rajnikanth Method :
1. Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack
anytime. The lion will live in fear and die soon in
fear itself.

2. Remove the make-up and put it over lion. The lion
will die not withstanding that heavy weight.

Kamal Method:
Go near the lion and cry like anything.... Lion will
die of sorrow !

Jayalalitha Method:
Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM
and kill it, while it's sleeping !

Manirathnam Method (director):
Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put
the lion in a dark room with a single candle
lighted.Keep murmuring something in its ears. The lion
will be highly irritated and commit suicide.

Balachandar Method (director):
Send a lioness into the forest. our lion and lioness
fall in love with each other. Send another lioness in
to the forest, followe! d by another lion. First lion
loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the
2nd lioness. But 2nd lioness loves both lions. Now
send another lioness(third) into the forest. You don't
understand right...

ok....read it after 2 yrs, then also u wont !

Shanker method (director):
Take the lion to Australia or US.. and kill it in a
good scenic location.

Govinda method:
Continuously dance before the lion for 5 to 6 days.

Rahul dravid method:Ask the lion to bowl at! u.U bat
for 200 balls and score 1 run.

Menaka Gandhi method:
save the lion from a danger and feed him with some
vegetables continuously.

George bush method:
Link the lion with osama bin laden and shoot him

[jimmy p]

Following questions and answers were collated from British GCSE
exams(16 year olds)!

Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas.

English
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its
meaning.
A : Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A : Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology
Q : What is a turbine?
A : Something an Arab wears on his head.

Religious Education
Q: What is a Hindu?
A : It lays eggs.

[Ivan Seeking]

The more success the quantum theory has, the sillier it looks.
-Albert Einstein to Heinrich Zangger (May 20, 1912)

[Monique]

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the
turkey.
Moral of the story: Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

[Monique]

"A bloke walks into a pub, and asks for a pint of Adenosinetriphosphate.
The barman says "That'll be 80p please!"

Think about that one for a while [6)]

[Monique]

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.

First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate."
The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be empty again."

[;)]

[jimmy p]

Originally posted by Monique
"A bloke walks into a pub, and asks for a pint of Adenosinetriphosphate.
The barman says "That'll be 80p please!"

Think about that one for a while [6)]

That is TERRIBLE Monique [g)] [:D] [g)]

[Monique]

[:))]

[jimmy p]

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?" "You mean Aspirin?" asked the pharmacist.

"That's it, I can never remember that word."



A physicist, a biologist and a chemist go to the beach for the first time. The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves, and walked into the ocean. The physicist was drowned and never returned. The Biologist said he wanted to research the flora and fauna of the ocean, and walked into the ocean. Likewise he was drowned and never returned. The chemist waited by the ocean side for a long time, before finally removing his notepad and writing the observation "Both Physicists and Biologists are soluble in water."



A Chemical is a substance that:

*An organic chemist turns into a foul odour.

*An analytical chemist turns into a procedure.

*A physical chemist turns into a straight line.

*A biochemist turns into a helix.

*A chemical engineer turns into a profit.




Classification of Chemistry:

*Physical Chemistry - The pitiful attempt to apply "y=mx+c" to everything in the universe.

*Organic Chemistry - The practice of transmutation of vile substances into publications.

*Inorganic Chemistry - That which is left after the organic, analytical and physical chemists get through picking over the periodic table.

*Chemical Engineering - The practice of doing for profit what an organic chemist does for fun.

*Organic Chemistry - The study of carbon compounds.

*Biochemistry - The study of carbon compounds that wiggle.




Experiments should be reproducible - They should fail the same way every time.

Activation energy - The useful quantity of energy available in one cup of coffee.

To most people solutions mean finding the answers; but to chemists, solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate!

Free radicals have revolutionalised chemistry.

A Physical Chemist is a student who goes to university thinking he might want to be a physicist; but gets intimidated by the maths.



Chemists last words:

*And now the tasting test....

*And now shake a bit....

*In which glass was my mineral water?

*Why does that stuff burn with a green flame!?!?

*And now the detonating gas problem...

*This is a completely safe experimental set up.

*Now you can take the protection window away...

[Mattius_]

"A bloke walks into a pub, and asks for a pint of Adenosinetriphosphate.The barman says "That'll be 80p please!"

Ok, i know what ATP is, but i still dont get it!!!

[jammieg]

In theory the Neadrathal died out because their brains grew too big and they said, "dammit women we don't need a penthouse and cars and flying saucers, this cave is all we will ever need and more meat!" and so most died out except for the few with the best nagging wives.

[Greg Bernhardt]

Add your science jokes here:
http://www.jokerslounge.com

[Imparcticle]

Originally posted by Monique
"A bloke walks into a pub, and asks for a pint of Adenosinetriphosphate.
The barman says "That'll be 80p please!"

Think about that one for a while [6)]


I don't get it.[b(] [:(] [*(]

[Brad_Ad23]

Originally posted by SquareItSalamander
I don't get it.[b(] [:(] [*(]

Think about it. 80p. Eighty-p. eighdy-p. A-D-P.

[:))]

[jimmy p]

or ATP as it is known as (AdenosineTriPhosphate) [6)]

[Brad_Ad23]

I think the joke makes more sense if the bartender asks for the ADP version, since he is giving out ATP.[?]

[kuengb]

Shortest mathematics joke:
\varepsilon < 0
with the even more excessive versions
\varepsilon \ll 0
and
\varepsilon \rightarrow - \infty

[?] [:)] [?] [?] [:D] Probably only a few will laugh, but those who do are really worth it!

[DrMatrix]

A constant function and an exponential are walking down the street. Up ahead, they see a differential operator coming their way. The constant function says, "Oh man, I gotta run. That's a differential operatior and it can turn me into nothing." The constant function runs away, but not the exponential function. Unafraid, it walks right up to the differential operator and says, "Hello there, differential operator, I'm e^x." The differential operator says, "Pleased to meet you, e^x. I'm d/dz."

[ElectroPhysics]

If an engineer walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it on the fire and puts it out.

If a physicist walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it eloquently around the fire and lets the fire put itself out.

If a mathematician walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he convinces himself there is a solution and leaves.

[enigma]

A large diplomatic delegation from Poland gets on a plane to go to a UN conference. The plane takes off normally, and everything seems fine during takeoff. Five minutes into the flight, however, the plane starts flying erratically, inverts, and crashes killing everyone onboard. The investigators analyzing the crash are dumbfounded since everything seemed to be in order with the aircraft. Eventually, they bring the problem to a contol engineer who immediately recognizes the problem: "It's simple really... you had poles in the right half of the plane!"

... lets see how many get it.

[enigma]

A constant function and an exponential are walking down the street. Up ahead, they see a differential operator coming their way. The constant function says, "Oh man, I gotta run. That's a differential operatior and it can turn me into nothing." The constant function runs away, but not the exponential function. Unafraid, it walks right up to the differential operator and says, "Hello there, differential operator, I'm e^x." The differential operator says, "Pleased to meet you, e^x. I'm d/dz."

I don't get this one, and I didn't get the math party one... I'm sure its a pun of some sort, but it's escaping me.

[jimmy p]

very funny enigma, i had to re-read it just to make sure i was laughing at the right thing though!

[Njorl]

A large diplomatic delegation from Poland gets on a plane to go to a UN conference. The plane takes off normally, and everything seems fine during takeoff. Five minutes into the flight, however, the plane starts flying erratically, inverts, and crashes killing everyone onboard. The investigators analyzing the crash are dumbfounded since everything seemed to be in order with the aircraft. Eventually, they bring the problem to a contol engineer who immediately recognizes the problem: "It's simple really... you had poles in the right half of the plane!"

... lets see how many get it.


Even if they had worked around the poles, I'm sure there would have been nothing left but sum residue.

Njorl

[DrMatrix]

I don't get this one, and I didn't get the math party one... I'm sure its a pun of some sort, but it's escaping me.Nope not a pun. e^x. is a constant function as far as a function of z is concerned.

[enigma]

Ah. So it wasn't funny.

[DrMatrix]

Tough crowd.

[kuengb]

A mathematician and an engineer are asked how they would make tea when all their cups were dirty. Engineer says: "I would clean the cups, then boil water and so on", mathematician says the same.
Afterwards they're asked again how to make tea, but with clean cups this time. Engineer says: "Hm? Well, I'd just boil water, throw tea leaves in, that's it." The mathematician says: "I would first dirty the cups and then apply solution 1."

[Imparcticle]

Perspectives of the world:

Optomist- the glass is half full.
pessimist- the glass is half empty.
fatalist-the water will evaporate.
existentialist- the glass is.
feminist- all glasses are equal.
narcissist-look at me in the water!
polygamist-the more glasses the merrier.
evangelist-the glass must repent.
socialist-share the glass.
capitalist-sell the glass.
anarchist- break the glass.
psychologist- How does the water feel about the glass?

[Imparcticle]

Shortest mathematics joke:
\varepsilon < 0
with the even more excessive versions
\varepsilon \ll 0
and
\varepsilon \rightarrow - \infty

[?] [:)] [?] [?] [:D] Probably only a few will laugh, but those who do are really worth it!

what does that mean??? :confused:

[quddusaliquddus]

True story (from m8's school):

A kid @ GCSE Maths exam goes in gets on scribbling his answers down furiously.
The thing is though, he's answering the formulae-book that comes along with the question paper!

Do you know how he found out? Nearing the end of the exam he puts his hand up and calls one of the teachers over to him. He whispers to the teacher "...I'm stuck with this question...can u help?..."

[meteor]

This is a salesman that is in the train station and see that Einstein is there with a clock in his hand. Then the salesman thinks: Ah, so Einstein must have been doing some of the experiments that he explains in his books, those that try to demonstrate the constancy of c by measuring how it travels from the front to the back of a wagon and such.
Out of curiosity, the salesman goes to meet Einstein, and finds that he is very upset. The salesman asks to him: Hi, sir, have you been able to measure the lenght contraction of trains in your experiment?
Then Einstein answers: No, I had all prepared and was going to perform the experiment, but suddenly a lightning has fallen on the clock and now the damned doesn't work

[Matt-235]

Since this also seems to be a good place for bad math jokes and the like, remember that \frac{sin x}{n} = 6

[Megus]

I think nobody has mentioned it yet:

www.physlink.com - some jokes (even good) can be found

P.S. Probably everyone knows this site and I'm just making idiot of myself at the moment

[Njorl]

Since this also seems to be a good place for bad math jokes and the like, remember that \frac{sin x}{n} = 6

It took me a depressingly long time to get this :redface:

Njorl

[Megus]

It took me a depressingly long time to get this :redface:

Njorl

I still can't get it - can I please explanation

[jimmy p]

its a silly little thing. If you remove the 'n' from sinx then you are left with 'six'. I had to do a double take when i read it.

[Gokul43201]

Heisenberg is racing down the autobahn, when a cop pulls him over for speeding.

"Do you know how fast you were driving, Sir ?", the cop asks him.

Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know where I am."

[Ivan Seeking]

I used to drive a Heisenberg. They came with either a speedometer or an odometer.

[kuengb]

I used to drive a Heisenberg. They came with either a speedometer or an odometer.
And with either a watch or a fuelmeter.

[Gokul43201]

Graffiti in a classroom used for a college calculus class :

" 1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1 "

[Imparcticle]

You Might be a Physics Major...
...if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.

...if you enjoy pain.

...if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.

...if you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."

...if you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.

...if when you look in a mirror, you see a physics major.

...if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.

...if you frequently whistle the theme song to "The X-Files."

...if you always do homework on Saturday nights.

...if you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.

...if you think in "math."

...if you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.

...if you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.

...if you have a pet named after a scientist.

...if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.

...if the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.

...if you can translate English into Binary.

...if you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit."

...if you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.

...if you are completely addicted to caffeine.

...if you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.

...if you consider ANY non-science course "easy."

...if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.

...if the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.

...if you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.

...if you understood more than five of these indicators.

….if you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.

[fbsthreads]

this page has some good ones

http://www.juliantrubin.com/physicsjokes.html

i particularly like:

When a snail crossed the road, he was run over by a turtle. Regaining consciousness in the emergency room, he was asked what caused the accident. "I really can't remember," the snail replied. "You see, it all happened so fast."

------------------------

Rene Descartes sits down for lunch at a Parisian restaurant. The waitress asks for his order. He orders a hamburger.
The waitress inquires, "Would you like fries with that? " Descartes says, "I think not," ...and instantly disappears.

-----------------------------

Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg says, "No, but I know where I am."


-----------------

[BobG]

I remember a story my dad used to tell at parties about a salesman and a mathematician riding next to each other on a train.

They passed a stockyard filled with cattle and the salesman exclaimed, “Wow, I’ve never seen so many cows in all my life! There must be thousands in that stockyard!”.

The mathematician turns to him and says, “Actually, there’s 7,458 cows in that stockyard.”

“How’d you count all of those cows, so fast?”, the salesman asked.

“Easy, I counted their legs and divided by 4”, replied the mathematician.

My dad was a little hard to read, since he always had such a serious look on his face no matter what, so people would look at him a little uncertain for a second, and finally reply, “Oh, that’s clever.” I guess that works whether he’s showing them a clever method of counting cows or telling them a really joke.

Well, me, I’m a just a kid, at the time. If the adults at the party can’t tell if he’s serious or joking, how am I supposed to tell. I had a tendency to repeat things like that around the neighborhood thinking I was showing off how smart I was. Which other kids in the neighborhood were quick sense was total rubbish.

And, hence the great cow counting challenge was staged. Unfortunately, we lived in the city. The only cow in the neighborhood was the picture of Elsie on the billboard outside the Borden dairy plant. No matter.

The smart-aleck girl from next door and I met (with the proper witnesses) down by the billboard ready to settle the best way of counting cows.

The kind of cute (in an intellectual sort of way) girl with the glasses from down the street yelled, “Go!”

Almost instantly, both of us contestants finished counting Elsie, with the smart aleck girl screaming “One!” just a thousandth of a second after I shouted “Zero!”

You see, the billboard only showed Elsie’s head, so there were no legs to count. And I ask you, who was closest to the right answer? What’s the purpose of a cow if not to give beef or milk and how can you get a steak from just a cow’s head. And how are you going to get milk from Elsie's head? Tell her jokes til milk comes out her nose? I’m thinking that’s going to take awhile, especially if all’s you know are math jokes.

[Njorl]

Two physicists are flying in their hot air ballon and get lost. They drift low to the ground and see a man. One shouts out, "Where are we?" to which the man on the ground responds, "You're in a balloon."

The other physicist then asks, "Are you a mathematician?", to which the man on the ground answrs "Yes."

As they float off, the first physicist asks, "How did you know he was a mathematician?". The other responds, "Well, he was completely accurate, and completely useless."

Njorl

[Imparcticle]

Physics songs anyone?
http://www.dctech.com/physics/humor/songs.php#solong
The first song is by Feyman!

Other jokes from: http://www.physlink.com/Fun/Jokes.cfm

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

To get to the same side. (credit: Tom Gregg)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the chicken cross the road?

Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads. (credit: Muhammad Ahmed)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, 'How much for a beer?' The bartender looks at him, and says 'For you, no charge.'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two fermions walk into a bar. One orders a drink. The other says 'I'll have what he's having.' (credit: Jeff Nastasi)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two atoms bump into each other. One says 'I think I lost an electron!' The other asks, 'Are you sure?', to which the first replies, 'I'm positive.'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Renee Descartes walks into a bar, the bartender says 'sir can I get you a martini 'Descartes says 'I don't think...' and he disappears (credit: OCROWLEY101)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Where does bad light end up? Answer: In a prism! (credit: Gary Lisica)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says 'Do you know how fast you were going?' Heisenberg says 'No, but I know where I am.'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
W hy did the chicken cross the road? Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There is this farmer who is having problems with his chickens. All of the sudden, they are all getting very sick and he doesn't know what is wrong with them. After trying all conventional means, he calls a biologist, a chemist, and a physicist to see if they can figure out what is wrong. So the biologist looks at the chickens, examines them a bit, and says he has no clue what could be wrong with them. Then the chemist takes some tests and makes some measurements, but he can't come to any conclusions either. So the physicist tries. He stands there and looks at the chickens for a long time without touching them or anything. Then all of the sudden he starts scribbling away in a notebook. Finally, after several gruesome calculations, he exclaims, 'I've got it! But it only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum.'

[jimmy p]

A science graduate asks: "Why does it work?"

An engineering graduate asks: "How does it work?"

An accounting graduate asks: "How much does it cost?"

An arts graduate asks: "Do you want fries with that?"

[Gokul43201]

A hardware guy, a software guy and a sales rep of a big computer company are driving to a meeting, when the car suddenly stops. The software guy suggests that they shut down and restart, 'cause that usually fixes the problem. The hardware guy suggests they swap drivers. The sales rep decides that it's time to buy a new car.

A passing Linux programmer see the trouble and smashes all the glass in the car with his baseball bat. Before the stunned passengers can react he asks the driver to try starting the car again. The car starts up just fine this time.

Moral : "Just get rid of Windows, and you'll be okay"

[The Bob]

There is a computer engineer, a psychologist and a genetic engineer in a room arguing about which occupation came first. The genetic engineer says 'I must have come first because God took a rib from Adam and made Eve and that takes genetics so God was a genetic engineer and I, therfore, came first'. The psychologist says 'No you are wrong. I came first because God took the world from chaos to peace and so God was a psychologist and so I came first'. The computer engineer just sits back smug with a grin on his face. 'Ahhh yes', he says,' Good points. But where go you think the chaos came from!'

The Bob (2004 ©)

[The Bob]

There is a class room full of Alkali Metal ions being taught chemistry. Then outside the window a group of Halogen ions appear. The Alkali Metal ions go mad and bounce of the walls and the window. The teachers comment is 'Perhaps one of you gentlemen would mind telling me just what it is outside the window that you find so attractive....?'

There should be a picture here as well.

Took me ages to stop laughing after seeing it. I had only just learnt about ionic bonding when I found it.

The Bob (2004 ©)

[The Bob]

Quick limerick for you:

There once was a lady called bright,
Who's speed was faster than light,
She left one day,
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.

Got it from a program on BBC 1 about Stephen Hawking. The actor said it was by Elly Merich.

The Bob (2004 ©)

[Ivan Seeking]

Question posed to a biologist:
What is the evolutionary advantage in having knees that bend forward instead of backwards…i.e. why don’t our knees bend the other way?
Answer:
“Bipedal animals that had backward-bending knees could only run backwards and they kept bumping into trees. That's why they became extinct.”

[Gokul43201]

Not a science joke but nevertheless, here goes :

How do we know that Jesus was not born in the US ?











No one's been able to find 3 wise men, or a virgin !!

[Monique]

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline

and asked what his future holds.

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him:

"You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who

will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled, "This is great!

"Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.

"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

[Monique]

If it's NOT one thing, it's another

Your protein has NOT denaturated,
it is simply structurally ambivalent.
Your DNA has NOT degraded,
it is entropically exhuberant.
Your enzyme is NOT aggregated,
it is monomerically challenged.
Your peptide has NOT precipitated on the column,
it is merely elution reticent.
Your column resin is NOT compacting,
it is being spatially frugal.
Your BamHI does NOT have star activity,
it is simply expressing its individuality.
Your PCR products are NOT all mutant,
they are just indulging in unscheduled evolution.
Your tissue culture is NOT contaminated,
it is simply sharing living quarters.
Your computer has NOT crashed,
it is merely being introspective.

[Ivan Seeking]

Going back to the ole Y2K computer fiasco...

When the IT department met with management and foretold of imminent disaster with the Y2K roll over, management instructed IT to handle the situation in the same manner as was the Y1K problem.

[Flying Penguin]

On a solid red bumper sticker: If this sticker is blue, you're driving too fast.

[humanino]

My favorite math teacher was once asked to give answers to his exercises, because people found them too difficult. He replied :
"Math is like love. You cannot make it by procuration"

[BobG]

My favorite math teacher was once asked to give answers to his exercises, because people found them too difficult. He replied :
"Math is like love. You cannot make it by procuration"

John Smith did.

Well, at least he tried. I guess Pocahontas wasn't too impressed by the whole thing, though.

[humanino]

Thanks BobG ! My teacher did not seem to pretend it was his own.

[humanino]

Since I saw Linux lover on this forum, I suppose some of you even use vi ! vi rules !

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After reading about a poor wretch who had become addicted to vi, I was inspired to compose the following ditty, sung to the tune of "Addicted To Love" by Robert Palmer.

As you sing this, it may help the effect to imagine a dozen women, all of whom resemble Bill Joy, dressed in black and dancing sinuously.

Addicted To Vi (with apologies to Robert Palmer)

You press the keys with no effect,
Your mode is not correct.
The screen blurs, your fingers shake;
You forgot to press escape.
Can't insert, can't delete,
Cursor keys won't repeat.
You try to quit, but can't leave,
An extra "bang" is all you need.

You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"-- Oh yeah? You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die You know you're gonna have to face it; You're addicted to vi!

You edit files one at a time; That doesn't seem too out of line? You don't think of keys to bind-- A meta key would blow your mind. H, J, K, L? You're not annoyed? Expressions must be a Joy! Just press "f," or is it "t"? Maybe "n," or just "g"?

Oh--You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"-- Oh yeah? You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die You know you're gonna have to face it; You're addicted to vi!

Might as well face it, You're addicted to vi!

You press the keys without effect, Your life is now a wreck. What a waste! Such a shame! And all you have is vi to blame.

Oh--You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"-- Oh yeah? You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die You know you're gonna have to face it; You're addicted to vi!

Might as well face it, You're addicted to vi!


Copyright 1989, by Chuck Musciano.

[humanino]

Count the number of yeses, subtract from 60, and divide by 0.6.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Basics

1) Have you ever been excited about math?
2) Had an exciting dream about math?
3) Made a mathematical calculation?
4) Manipulated the numerator of an equation?
5) Manipulated the denominator of an equation?
6) On your first problem set?
7) Worked on a problem set past 3:00 a.m.?
8) Worked on a problem set all night?
9) Had a hard problem?
10) Worked on a problem continuously for more than 30 minutes?
11) Worked on a problem continuously for more than four hours?
12) Done more than one problem set on the same night (i.e. both
started and finished them)?
13) Done more than three problem sets on the same night?
14) Taken a math course for a full year?
15) Taken two different math courses at the same time?
16) Done at least one problem set a week for more than four months?
17) Done at least one problem set a night for more than one month
(weekends excluded)?
18) Done a problem set alone?
19) Done a problem set in a group of three or more?
20) Done a problem set in a group of 15 or more?
21) Was it mixed company?
22) Have you ever inadvertently walked in upon people doing
a problem set?
23) And joined in afterwards?
24) Have you ever used food doing a problem set?
25) Did you eat it all?
26) Have you ever had a domesticated pet or animal walk over
you while you were doing a problem set?
27) Done a problem set in a public place where you might be discovered?
28) Been discovered while doing a problem set?

Kinky Stuff

29) Have you ever applied your math to a hard science?
30) Applied your math to a soft science?
31) Done an integration by parts?
32) Done two integration by parts in a single problem?
33) Bounded the domain and range of your function?
34) Used the domination test for improper integrals?
35) Done Newton's Method?
36) Done the Method of Frobenius?
37) Used the Sandwich Theorem?
38) Used the Mean Value Theorem?
39) Used a Gaussian surface?
40) Used a foreign object on a math problem (eg: calculator)?
41) Used a program to improve your mathematical technique (eg: MACSYMA)?
42) Not used brackets when you should have?
43) Integrated a function over its full period?
44) Done a calculation in three-dimensional space?
45) Done a calculation in n-dimensional space?
46) Done a change of bases?
47) Done a change of bases specifically in order to magnify your vector?
48) Worked through four complete bases in a single night (eg: using the Gram-Schmidt method)?
49) Inserted a number into an equation?
50) Calculated the residue of a pole?
51) Scored perfectly on a math test?
52) Swallowed everything your professor gave you?
53) Used explicit notation in your problem set?
54) Purposefully omitted important steps in your problem set?
55) Padded your own problem set?
56) Been blown away on a test?
57) Blown away your professor on a test?
58) Have you ever multiplied 23 by 3?
59) Have you ever bounded your Bessel function so that the membrane did not shoot to infinity?

69) Have you ever understood the following quote: "The relationship between Z^0 to C_0, B_0, and H_0 is an example of a general principle which we have encountered: the kernel of the adjoint of a linear transformation is both the annihilator space of the image of the transformation and also the dual space of the quotient of the space of which the image is a subspace by the image subspace." (Shlomo & Bamberg's A "Course" in Mathematics for Students of Physics)

[humanino]

Wanted

$10,000 reward.

Schroedinger's Cat.

Dead or Alive

[Mk]

Who does Schrödinger call when his car breaks down?

A Quantum Mechanic

[humanino]

Algebraists do it by symbolic manipulation.
Algebraic geometers do it for variety.
Algebraic geometers do it on the cubic three-fold.
Algebraists do it in a ring.
Algebraists do it in fields.
Algebraists do it in groups.
Algebraists do it with multiple roots.
Analysts do it continuously.
Analysts do it smoothly.
Analytic number theorists do it in the critical strip.
Analytic number theorists do it on the critical line.
Applied mathematicians do it by computer simulation.
Banach spacers do it completely.
Bayesians do it with improper priors.
Catastrophe theorists do it falling off part of a sheet.
Chaoticians do it with sensitive dependence
Class field theorists do it by capitulation.
Classical geometers do it on the Euler line.
Classical geometers do it on the nine-point circle.
Combinatorialists do it discretely.
Commutative algebraists do it regularly.
Complex analysts do it between the sheets
Complex analysts do it under a universal cover.
Constructivists do it without excluding the middle.
Decision theorists do it optimally.
Differential analysts do it in a degenerate case.
Functional analysts do it with compact support.
Functional analysts do it with degenerate colonels.
Galois theorists do it in a field.
Game theorists do it by dominance or saddle points.
Geometers do it with involutions.
Graph theorists do it discretely.
Graph theorists do it in four colours.
Group theorists do it simply.
Group theorists do it with the Monster.
Hilbert spacers do it orthogonally.
Large cardinals do it inaccessibly.
Linear programmers do it with nearest neighbors.
Logicians do it by choice.
Logicians do it consistently and completely.
Logicians do it incompletely or inconsistently.
Logicians do it with Jensen's device.
(Logicians do it) or [not (logicians do it)].
Mathematicians do it associatively.
Mathematicians do it by numbers.
Mathematicians do it commutatively.
Mathematicians do it constantly.
Mathematicians do it continuously.
Mathematicians do it discretely.
Mathematicians do it exponentially.
Mathematicians do it forever if they can do one and can do one more.
Mathematicians do it functionally.
Mathematicians do it homologically.
Mathematicians do it in fields.
Mathematicians do it in groups.
Mathematicians do it in imaginary planes.
Mathematicians do it in n dimensions.
Mathematicians do it in numbers.
Mathematicians do it in theory.
Mathematicians do it on smooth contours.
Mathematicians do it over and under the curves.
Mathematicians do it parallel and perpendicular.
Mathematicians do it partially.
Mathematicians do it rationally.
Mathematicians do it reflexively.
Mathematicians do it symmetrically.
Mathematicians do it to prove themselves.
Mathematicians do it to their limits.
Mathematicians do it totally.
Mathematicians do it transcendentally.
Mathematicians do it transitively.
Mathematicians do it variably.
Mathematicians do it with a Minkowski sausage.
Mathematicians do it with imaginary parts.
Mathematicians do it with linear pairs.
Mathematicians do it with Nobel's wife.
Mathematicians do it with odd functions.
Mathematicians do it with prime roots.
Mathematicians do it with relations.
Mathematicians do it with rings.
Mathematicians do it with their real parts.
Mathematicians do it without limit.
Mathematicians do over an open unmeasurable interval.
Mathematicians have to prove they did it.
Mathematicians do it ad infinitum.
Mathematicians do it at the right angle.
Measure theorists do it almost everywhere.
Measure theorists do it almost nowhere.
Moebius always does it on the same side.
Number theorists do it perfectly.
Number theorists do it rationally.
Number theorists do it in the critical strip.
Pure mathematicians do it rigorously.
Real analysts do it almost everywhere
Real analysts do it uniformly.
Ring theorists do it non-commutatively.
Set theorists do it in a morass.
Set theorists do it with cardinals.
Topologists do it in multiply connected domains
Topologists do it on rubber sheets.
Topos theorists do it pointlessly.
Mathematicians do it with primality.
MATHEMATICIANS do it as a finite sum of an infinite series
MATHEMATICIANS do it as continuous function
MATHEMATICIANS do it in imaginary domain
MATHEMATICIANS do it with formulæ
MATHEMATICIANS prove they did it
MATHEMATICIANS take it to the limit

credit : Chris Morton collected those

[The Binary Monster]

A proton walks into a bar. It drifts slowly over to the bartender and says "Hey, I'm a proton!"

The incredulous bartender looks up and asks "Are you sure?"

"Yes," replies the proton, "I'm positive!"

[poolwin2001]

Teacher is teaching a calculus class and demonstrates by giving an example:
lim_{x\rightarrow 8}
\frac{1}{x-8}=\infty


Tells johny to do this
lim_{x\rightarrow 5}
\frac{1}{x-5}=?

Johny writes |_|-|(5 inverted by 90 degrees)

[poolwin2001]

a nuetron goes shopping ,when he is about to pay the bill,shopkeeper refuses and says 'for you no charge'

[Smurf]

Think theres a reason I dont get any of these?

[humanino]

Smurf : You are not a geek ?
Poolwin : the inverted 5 is hilarious !

[Smurf]

The rotated 5 was one that confused me the most

[The Bob]

The rotated 5 was one that confused me the most

Well the eight has been rotated to make the infinitie sign, therefore a 5 rotated is |_|-|. See???

The Bob (2004 ©)

P.S. Very funny. :rofl:

[Smurf]

right. Someone explain the |_|-|
No really, what is it?

[humanino]

It is supposed to represent a rotated 5, which has not (yet !) any asigned meaning in math.

If x is arbitrarily close to 8, then x-8 is arbitrarily close to zero, and \frac{1}{x-8} is arbitrarily large, that is \frac{1}{x-8} goes to ininity, which is represented by \infty . Apparently the guy did not know what \infty meant, so he interpreted the sign as a rotated eight. Naturally for him then \frac{1}{x-5} must go to rotated 5 when x is arbitrarily close to five. As you can see of course, the answer was the same : \frac{1}{x-5} must go to \infty too when x is close to five...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Researchers in Fairbanks Alaska announced last week that they have discovered a superconductor which will operate at room temperature.

[Smurf]

Right. I see it now. Not laughing but at least it makes sense.
=p

[Ivan Seeking]

The physicists and engineers at MIT faced off in a football game.

It was nearing the end of the 4th quarter and no one had scored. When a local factory whistle blew, the physicists assumed this was the game whistle; that the length of the game was only approximate, and in spite of the clock, the game was over. They left the field. The engineers executed the next seven plays perfectly but still had to settle with a field goal to win.

[humanino]

A physicist is walking in the street, hungry. He sees a bakery sign in a window, so gets in the shop, owned by a mathematician and asks for bread. The mathematician replies : "But we just sell signs" :tongue2:

I think it was from Zee's Nutshell

[Gokul43201]

Every now and then, I use vi. :redface:

Don't laugh !!! :mad: That wasn't a joke ! :grumpy:

[humanino]

I use only vi. No shame. I also use pine. At least I know what I'm doing :wink:

[Argentum Vulpes]

The U.S. standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That is an exceptionally odd number.

Now, why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the U.S. Railroads were built by English expatriates.

Why did the English build them that way? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

So why did the wagons have that particular odd spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So, who built those old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe (and England) were built by Imperial Rome for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? The ruts in the roads, which everyone had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels, were first formed by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for (or by) Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The U.S. standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's a** came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back end of two war horses. Thus we have the answer to the original question.

Now the twist to the story... When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two booster rockets attached to the side of the main fuel tank. These are Solid Rocket Boosters or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses' behinds. So, the major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's a**!!!

Don't you just love engineering?

[Argentum Vulpes]

Perspectives of the world:

Optomist- the glass is half full.
pessimist- the glass is half empty.
fatalist-the water will evaporate.
existentialist- the glass is.
feminist- all glasses are equal.
narcissist-look at me in the water!
polygamist-the more glasses the merrier.
evangelist-the glass must repent.
socialist-share the glass.
capitalist-sell the glass.
anarchist- break the glass.
psychologist- How does the water feel about the glass?

You forgot one
Engineer- the glass is two time its over the necessary design parameters

[Ivan Seeking]

In physics we learn that a horse is approximately a sphere.

[Gokul43201]

Cows too...according to the joke that ends with the physicist solving the low milk-yield problem saying : "Assume all cows are spherical..."

[physicsuser]

The U.S. standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That is an exceptionally odd number.

Now, why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the U.S. Railroads were built by English expatriates.

Why did the English build them that way? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

So why did the wagons have that particular odd spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So, who built those old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe (and England) were built by Imperial Rome for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? The ruts in the roads, which everyone had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels, were first formed by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for (or by) Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The U.S. standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's a** came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back end of two war horses. Thus we have the answer to the original question.

Now the twist to the story... When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two booster rockets attached to the side of the main fuel tank. These are Solid Rocket Boosters or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses' behinds. So, the major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's a**!!!

Don't you just love engineering?

:surprised

[Fredrik]

About 7 years ago, David Letterman invited a few people to his show, to tell jokes that would only be understood by a very small number of people. I still remember the mathematician's joke, because I actually understood how bad it was:

Professor: Can you give me an example of a compact topological space?
Student: The real numbers.
(Silence)
Professor: With what topology?

[omin]

Here's one I heard from Steven Wright:

In the middle of a job interview, I pulled out a book and started reading. The guy interviewing me said, "What are you doing?" I said, "Can I ask you a question?" He said yes. "If you're traveling at the speed of light in your car through space and you turned on you headlights, would they work?" He said, "I don't know". I said, I don't want to work for you and walked out.

[Flying Penguin]

The U.S. standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That is an exceptionally odd number.

Now, why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the U.S. Railroads were built by English expatriates.

Why did the English build them that way? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

So why did the wagons have that particular odd spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So, who built those old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe (and England) were built by Imperial Rome for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? The ruts in the roads, which everyone had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels, were first formed by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for (or by) Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The U.S. standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's a** came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back end of two war horses. Thus we have the answer to the original question.

Now the twist to the story... When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two booster rockets attached to the side of the main fuel tank. These are Solid Rocket Boosters or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses' behinds. So, the major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's a**!!!

Don't you just love engineering?


This is not true (http://www.snopes.com/history/american/gauge.htm) (unless that's the joke?).

[Evo]

This is not true (http://www.snopes.com/history/american/gauge.htm) (unless that's the joke?).That's the joke, unfortunately a lot of people believed the information about the rail spacing and now this misinformation is posted all over the internet as fact. There is a bit of truth to the rockets having to fit through the tunnel though.

[^_^]

I'm new so be nice.

I don't know if you've heard this before but...

A cave boy lived with his family in their cave next to the Hamilton family. Every day the cave boy would ride to school with the Hamilton boy until one day he came home and his mother said, "Son, if you commute with a Hamiltonian you're never going to evolve."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

[poolwin2001]

I made this one up today while having lunch( :biggrin: I am vegetarian)

Q:Why did Dracula go to the circus?




A:Because,he wanted to get to the juggler!(jugular)? :rofl:

[lucifer]

more of a math joke and most people've already heard it. anyways, here goes:

At New York's Kennedy International Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

Attorney General John Ashcroft believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like "X" and "Y ", and, although they are frequently referred to as "unknowns", we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "there are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes".

[Moonbear]

Attorney General John Ashcroft believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction...

:rofl: I hadn't heard that one before...it's hysterical! I love it! :rofl:

[Ivan Seeking]

On the show "Planets", currently showing on the Science Channel (SCI), a review of the Voyager projects is presented and well worth the watch. From that show...

When the head of NASA was commenting on the rare alignment of the gas giants that made the Voyager project possible, he said: "The last time this happened, Thomas Jefferson was President, and he blew it!"

[franznietzsche]

A funny joke...


Sadly i think that you could pass that through the media to the American people and they would buy it. Not as much out of gullibility as much as out the cultural antipathy towards intelligence and anyone who enjoys learning for its own sake.

[Ivan Seeking]

Q: What did the Nuclear Physicist have for lunch?
A: Fission Chips.

[Vadim]

Q:What is the coefficient of friction of a cat?
A: Mu

Q:What is the maximum speed a computer can attain falling through an atmosphere?
A:Terminal velocity.

[Ivan Seeking]

It is a bad sign when your physics grade is a complex number - having both a real and an imaginary part!

[Imparcticle]

Why do doctors and lawyers call what they do a "practice"?

....makes you feel kind of safe doesn't it?....

[check]

http://home.comcast.net/~fsteiger/cartoon.gif

[Ivan Seeking]

The guy on the left looks evil to me.

[BobG]

A student, having had his fill with drawing graph after graph in senior high math class, told his teacher:
Mrs. Jones, I'll do algebra, I'll do trig, and I'll even do statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line!

[Imparcticle]

It has been discovered that research causes cancer in laboratory rats.

Q: How do you tell the sex of a chromosome?
A: Pull down its genes.

this is funny too (and a little mean):
http://www.juliantrubin.com/imagesb/bushorchimp.jpg

[Chronos]

Lawyer: Dr. Jones, you said you saw the accident.
Dr. Jones: Yes, I did.
Lawyer: And it occured right around midnight?
Dr. Jones: Yes, it did.
Lawyer: Midnight? Hmmm. Just how old are you?
Dr. Jones: 80
Lawyer: Congratulations! I hope to live so long. So tell me, do you feel a bit weaker, a bit slower, a bit harder of hearing than you were 20 years ago?
Dr. Jones: Yes.
Lawyer: Probably can't see as well, either?
Dr. Jones: Correct.
Lawyer: Be honest, now. Just how far can you see?
Dr. Jones: I can see the moon. How far is that? And it was full that night.

[Nylex]

What do you get if you cross a pig and a rat? Pig rat sin θ. I found this on the wall of one of the cubicles of the toilets in the Physics building at university. Terrible!

[Hurkyl]

Schrödinger's horse n. a strange creature that only appears dead once you've seen it a few times.

[Quantum_Prodegy]

Gotta love high school...

So there's a chicken and an egg in bed right, the egg rolls off the chicken, lights a cigarette and says "well, I guess we solved that riddle".

[The Bob]

...and an egg in bed right, the...
What is a Bed Right??? :confused:

The Bob (2004 ©)

[Quantum_Prodegy]

the word 'right' is irrelevant to the joke, its just how its told "...and an egg in bed, the..." u can emit it, its just how the joke was told to me.

[Quantum_Prodegy]

oh come on does nobody get my joke? I thought it was funny...:D

[cronxeh]

*shakes head*

[tribdog]

oh come on does nobody get my joke? I thought it was funny...:D
I'm not an expert on humor, but I thought it was extremely funny, not your joke, watching you try explaining it and begging for laughs. THAT! is the true comedy.

[The Bob]

I'm not an expert on humor, but I thought it was extremely funny, not your joke, watching you try explaining it and begging for laughs. THAT! is the true comedy.
I agree. You took the attention away from the joke by adding the right for [myself] to comment on. :rofl:

The Bob (2004 ©)

[Quantum_Prodegy]

I'm not an expert on humor...

obviously neither am i... :uhh:

[Ivan Seeking]

oh come on does nobody get my joke? I thought it was funny...:D

I thought it was funny enough to immediately forward it to friends and family. :biggrin:

[DrKareem]

In a scientific lecture, the lecturer wanted to get the scientists attention. He said "Pi is exactly three!" and all the scientists looked in amazement :bugeye:



:zzz:

[Hypercase]

DrKareem been watching the simpsons have u?? ;)

[Ivan Seeking]

Relativists admit that the bible contains the "gospel truth".

[Ivan Seeking]

The Malloy Factor is the rate at which high energy physics experiments convert entire civilizations into little black holes. This also explains the origins of dark matter.

[Imparcticle]

Teacher : What's 7Q + 3Q ?
Student: 10Q
Teacher: haha. Your welcome.

[Mentat]

oh come on does nobody get my joke? I thought it was funny...:D

It was hilarious :rofl:. I just got through wiping the tears from my eyes.

[Quantum_Prodegy]

:biggrin: woohoo

[gerben]

Gotta love high school...

So there's a chicken and an egg in bed, the egg rolls off the chicken, lights a cigarette and says "well, I guess we solved that riddle".

but... how did they solve any riddle? (let alone the "chicken or the egg" riddle) :confused:

[Mentat]

Grafitti on a college wall (for real):

To be is to do - Immanuel Kant
To be or not to be - William Shakespeare
Do-be-do-be-do - Frank Sinatra

[Imparcticle]

This is the nerdiest thing I have ever seen!!! And I thought I was nerdy! o:) Anyway, how is this a song? Is it a rap song? I tried singing it, but it turned out wierd...but close enough. Check this out:http://www.scientainment.com/max.pdf

[Mentat]

but... how did they solve any riddle? (let alone the "chicken or the egg" riddle) :confused:

Do you know what the "chicken or the egg" riddle is?

[gerben]

Do you know what the "chicken or the egg" riddle is?

well I thought the riddle was: "what came first, the chicken or the egg?"

[Achtung]

oh this is just disgusting. stop picking this joke apart. it was hilarious. if u dont get it then atleast dont spoil(hijack??? this is not a joke discussion thread) this thread for the rest of us.
Where the hell is ur sense of humor?(rehtorical lets not discuss that either)

[vikasj007]

why are mathematicians afraid of driving??









they think that the width of the road is almost zero as compared to its length.

[Mentat]

I'm sorry, Achtung. I'm going to make a final attempt...here goes.......

well I thought the riddle was: "what came first, the chicken or the egg?"

......nope. I've changed my mind. Gerben, if you can't tell what the point of the joke is from the exact way that you phrased the riddle, phrase it differently and see if it comes to you then...

[Mentat]

Astonomer #1: .....so anyway the cop pulls me over and asks if I realized
that I had just run a redlight. So I said that I did not see the light as
being red, because it must have blue-shifted as i was approaching it.
Astronomer #2: And he let you go?
Astronomer #1: No. He gave me a speeding ticket intead.


Three Laws of Thermodynamics (paraphrased):
First Law: You can't get anything without working for it.
Second Law: The most you can accomplish by work is to break even.
Third Law: You can't break even.

[Ivan Seeking]

I was thinking that if one more person tries to tell me why Einstein was wrong I'll throw up. Then it struck me that this may be a great way to ward off the crackpots.

[Icebreaker]

Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"

The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".

The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".

The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces: "I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!".

Philosopher smiles: "But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?"

Logician replies: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely."

The sociologist: "I don't know, but is was nice talking about it".

Behavioral Ecologist: "A polygamous mating system".

Medical Student: "4"
All others looking astonished: "How did you know ??"
Medical Student: "I memorized it."

[BobG]

Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"

The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".

What the heck was he using? A 6 inch Pickett?

Taking the natural log of 2, you get about .693. If you're going to make a mistake, you're going to read it too high as .694 - there's just no way to see that as .692. Adding them together, you should know you need to be a little past halfway between the 1.38 and 1.39 mark. Taking the inverse puts you very, very close to 4.00 - maybe someone could read it as 4.01 (if they're sloppy), but only a slide rule novice could think the answer was 3.99.

Or, you could let the 2 be 2 radians. Set the index over the two, put the cursor over the radian symbol, and you get about 114.6 degrees. That's about (180-65.4) degrees. Using the cosine difference law, you square the cosine of (65.4) degrees to get .177 (don't even bother reading the cosine, since you're not using that number) and square the sine of 65.4 to get .828 (both are probably just slightly high, so hopefully the errors will cancel out). The subtraction gets you -.652, which is the cosine of 180 ± 49.3 degrees (or in this case, the cosine of 180+49.3 degrees). Placing the radian symbol over 2.293 (or at least just slightly less than 2.295) results in the index being very, very close to 4.00. Maybe someone could read it as 4.01 (if they're sloppy), but I just don't see how anyone could get 3.99.

Unless .... It is conceivable that someone might align the 2 on the CI scale above the 2 on D scale and then just read the number below the index. If the 2's were misaligned just a bit, then maybe, just maybe, someone might get 3.99. But, the chances of someone choosing that method to solve the problem is just too small to even consider.

[Quantum_Prodegy]

What the heck was he using? A 6 inch Pickett?

Taking the natural log of 2, you get about .693. If you're going to make a mistake, you're going to read it too high as .694 - there's just no way to see that as .692. Adding them together, you should know you need to be a little past halfway between the 1.38 and 1.39 mark. Taking the inverse puts you very, very close to 4.00 - maybe someone could read it as 4.01 (if they're sloppy), but only a slide rule novice could think the answer was 3.99.

Or, you could let the 2 be 2 radians. Set the index over the two, put the cursor over the radian symbol, and you get about 114.6 degrees. That's about (180-65.4) degrees. Using the cosine difference law, you square the cosine of (65.4) degrees to get .177 (don't even bother reading the cosine, since you're not using that number) and square the sine of 65.4 to get .828 (both are probably just slightly high, so hopefully the errors will cancel out). The subtraction gets you -.652, which is the cosine of 180 ± 49.3 degrees (or in this case, the cosine of 180+49.3 degrees). Placing the radian symbol over 2.293 (or at least just slightly less than 2.295) results in the index being very, very close to 4.00. Maybe someone could read it as 4.01 (if they're sloppy), but I just don't see how anyone could get 3.99.

Unless .... It is conceivable that someone might align the 2 on the CI scale above the 2 on D scale and then just read the number below the index. If the 2's were misaligned just a bit, then maybe, just maybe, someone might get 3.99. But, the chances of someone choosing that method to solve the problem is just too small to even consider.

uuuh.....u lost me when you added the log of 2.....actually, when you mentioned a "pickett"

at what level of math do you learn to do that? At grade 11 we've learned log and radians (just) but how you applied that to 2*2 i have no idea, and what are the CI and D scales?

[BobG]

uuuh.....u lost me when you added the log of 2.....actually, when you mentioned a "pickett"

at what level of math do you learn to do that? At grade 11 we've learned log and radians (just) but how you applied that to 2*2 i have no idea, and what are the CI and D scales?
Here, this site explains everything (including what a Hemmi is).

Slide Rule Universe (http://www.sphere.bc.ca/test/2learning.html)

[Ivan Seeking]

Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"

BobG responds "Taking the natural log of 2, you get about .693. If you're going to make a mistake, you're going to read it too high as .694 - there's just no way to see that as .692. Adding them together, you should know you need to be a little past halfway between the 1.38 and 1.39 mark. Taking the inverse puts you very, very close to 4.00 - maybe someone could read it as 4.01 (if they're sloppy), but only a slide rule novice could think the answer was 3.99.

Or, you could let the 2 be 2 radians. Set the index over the two, put the cursor over the radian symbol, and you get about 114.6 degrees. That's about (180-65.4) degrees. Using the cosine difference law, you square the cosine of (65.4) degrees to get .177 (don't even bother reading the cosine, since you're not using that number) and square the sine of 65.4 to get .828 (both are probably just slightly high, so hopefully the errors will cancel out). The subtraction gets you -.652, which is the cosine of 180 ± 49.3 degrees (or in this case, the cosine of 180+49.3 degrees). Placing the radian symbol over 2.293 (or at least just slightly less than 2.295) results in the index being very, very close to 4.00. Maybe someone could read it as 4.01 (if they're sloppy), but I just don't see how anyone could get 3.99.

Unless .... It is conceivable that someone might align the 2 on the CI scale above the 2 on D scale and then just read the number below the index. If the 2's were misaligned just a bit, then maybe, just maybe, someone might get 3.99. But, the chances of someone choosing that method to solve the problem is just too small to even consider."

I'm thinking engineering management. :biggrin:

[Icebreaker]

"A mathematical tragedy is a beautiful conjecture ruined by an ugly fact."

[Edgardo]

Two physicists meet in the hallway. One asks, "What's new?"

The other replies, "E over h, stupid!"

[Evo]

"A mathematical tragedy is a beautiful conjecture ruined by an ugly fact."Here is the original quote "The great tragedy of Science - the slaying of a beautiful hypothesis by an ugly fact."
Thomas H. Huxley (1825 - 1895)

[selfAdjoint]

Here is the original quote "The great tragedy of Science - the slaying of a beautiful hypothesis by an ugly fact."
Thomas H. Huxley (1825 - 1895)

And the occasion for the quote was that Huxley had a theory that the ridges of our fingerprints were there to protect the pores of our skin from the wear and tear that our fingertips encounter. Sounds reasonable, but somebody (Galton?) pointed out that the the pores actually run along the TOP of the ridges. And so Huxley delivered his quip.

[DaveC426913]

"A bloke walks into a pub, and asks for a pint of Adenosinetriphosphate.
The barman says "That'll be 80p please!"


Actually, it is much more elegant if the bartender merely says:

"That's 80p."

Sounds like a joke that got mangled along the way.




Q: What did the salad dressing say to the man who opened the fridge?
A: Close the door! Can't you see I'm mayonnaise?

[munky99999]

Heisenberg and Shrodinger are driving down the road when they run over a cat. Shrodinger asks, "Is it dead?" Hesineberg replies, "I can't be certain."

[vikasj007]

LAW OF SELECTIVE GRAVITY-an object will fall so as to do the maximum damage.

JENNING'S COROLLARY- the chances of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

[Icebreaker]

A mathematician decides he wants to learn more about practical problems. He sees a seminar with a nice title: "The Theory of Gears." So he goes. The speaker stands up and begins, "The theory of gears with a real number of teeth is well known ..."

When a statistician passes the airport security check, they discover a bomb in his bag. He explains. "Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. However, the chance that there are two bombs at one plane is 1/1000000. So, I am much safer..."

A physicist has been conducting experiments and has worked out a set of equations which seem to explain his data. He asks a mathematician to check them. A week later, the mathematician calls:
"I'm sorry, but your equations are complete nonsense."
"But these equations accurately predict results of experiments. Are you sure they are completely wrong?"
"To be precise, they are not always a complete nonsense. But the only case in which they are true is the trivial one where the field is Archimedean..."

An engineer and a topologist were locked in the rooms for a day with a can of food but without an opener. At the end of the day, the engineer is sitting on the floor of his room and eating from the open can: He threw it against the walls until it cracked open. In the mathematician's room, the can is still closed but the mathematician has disappeared. There are strange noises coming from inside the can... When it is opened and the mathematician crawls out. "Damn! I got a sign wrong..."

[Icebreaker]

A mathematician has spent ten years trying to prove the Riemann hypothesis. Finally, he decides to sell his soul to the devil in exchange for a proof. The devil promises to deliver a proof in the four weeks. Half a year later, the devil shows up again - in a rather gloomy mood. "I'm sorry", he says. "I couldn't prove the hypothesis either. But" - and his face lightens up - "I think I found a really interesting lemma..."

[BobG]

JENNING'S COROLLARY- the chances of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
The corollary is true, but who the heck is Jenning?

It's Newton's Laws, plain and simple (1st, 2nd, and Universal Law of Gravitation).

Consider the edge of the table as your pivot point. As long as the center of gravity is on the table, there is more torque holding the bread on the table than there is rotating it off the table. Once the center of gravity is off the table, there will be more torque rotating the bread off the table than holding it on. As long as the angle between the bread and table top is small, the center of gravity will remain pretty much stationary, giving the bread a constant angular acceleration. At around 30 degrees or so, the center of gravity is going to start sliding away from the edge of the table. The torque imbalance is greater, but the force of gravity is also now divided between giving the bread a downward motion and supplying torque to the bread. Eventually, the entire piece of bread has left the table. At this point, there is no more angular acceleration. Whatever the angular velocity is at this point will remain constant for the duration of the bread's fall to the floor.

Theoretically, the amount of rotation the piece of bread will experience during the fall will be the same every time the bread is nudged off the table. The only pertinent variables are the length of the bread and the height of the table (the height of the table determines how much time the bread has to rotate). In the real world, where you can expect the table height and toast length to fall within a very narrow range of values, a couple of other things will affect the bread's fall:

1) How much time the bread spent on the edge of the table. The more time the bread spends on the edge of the table, the higher the angular velocity when it finally leaves the table. Knock the bread off the table violently so the time spent on the edge of the table is virtually zero and the bread doesn't rotate at all - it sails across the room like a frisbee and splatters bread and jelly on the wall.

2) Air currents. Bread isn't very stable and it's fall can be affected by air currents. It's better to eat bagels. They're much more predictable when they fall off the table.

3) Finally, and most important, is the surface the bread falls on. One of the most significant variables in this experiment is the chance of getting a 'bad bounce' when the bread hits the floor. It's very hard to predict whether the bread will wind up butter side up or butter side down in a house with a gravel floor. On the other hand, if your house has a gravel floor, it doesn't bother you when your kids leave Legos laying around.

The best surface to drop bread on is plush carpeting. You almost never get a bad bounce, making the results very predictable. There's even an equation to determine the chances of the bread falling butter side up or butter side down:

BSD = \frac{cos \left(\sqrt{\frac{h_t}{t_l}}-\pi\right)}{2} * FQ^2 +.5
BSD = chance of landing butter side down
h_t is the height of the table
t_l is the length of the toast
FQ is the floor quality based on the following scale:

.1 = Gravel (A[angular])
.2 = dirt
.4 = hard tile
.8 = all-weather carpeting
1.0 = plush carpeting

Floor covering ceases to be the most significant variable when

a) you eat from ten-foot tables
b) you eat from a traditional Japanese style table, sitting on the floor with your legs crossed
c) you're into those dainty English style tea parties and eat short little pieces of toast
d) you're from Texas where the length of your toast is longer than the height of the table

[vikasj007]

The corollary is true, but who the heck is Jenning?



i just read it in the paper and posted it here, but i must tell you that you have taken the complete fun out of this joke, with your much enlightened analysis. :grumpy:

[Icebreaker]

Q: How many professors does it take to replace a lightbulb?
A: One, with eight research students, two programmers, three post-docs and a secretary to help him.

[Icebreaker]

A famous mathematician was to give a keynote speech at a conference. Asked for an advance summary, he said he would present a proof of Fermat's Last Theorem -- but they should keep it under their hats. When he arrived, though, he spoke on a much more prosaic topic. Afterwards the conference organizers asked why he said he'd talk about the theorem and then didn't. He replied this was his standard practice, just in case he was killed on the way to the conference.

Note
Joke expiration date: May, 1995

[Reshma]

I wonder if anyone has posted this before. Anyway here it is:

Drivers Don't Drink and Drive,
Mathematicians Don't Drink and Derive.

[jrlogan]

The most important piece of advice [for aspiring physicists] is to keep your sense of wonderment alive - Dr. Michio Kaku

There must be no barriers for freedom of inquiry. There is no place for dogma in science. The scientist is free, and must be free to ask any question, to doubt any assertion, to seek for any evidence, to correct any errors - J. Robert Oppenheimer

My great wondermeant is this: Can you prove that you are not just a figment of my imagination,an object in my dream, or that I am not just an object in your dream, or are we both just an object in someone else's dream???

"I am you as you are he as you are me and we are all together"----john lennon

[Icebreaker]

"Do you love your math more than me?"
"Of course not, dear -- I love you much more."
"Then prove it!"
"OK... Let R be the set of all lovable objects..."

[Icebreaker]

A graduate student of mathematics who used to come to the University on foot every day arrives one day on a fancy new bicycle.
"Where did you get the bike from?" his friends asked.
"It's a 'thank you' present", he explains, "from that freshman girl I've been tutoring. Yesterday she called me and told that she had passed her math final and wanted to drop by to thank me in person. She arrived at my place on her bicycle. When I had let her in, she took all her clothes off, smiled at me, and said: 'you can get from me whatever you desire!'"
One of his friends remarks: "You made a really smart choice when you took the bicycle."
"Yeah", another friend adds, "just imagine how silly you would have looked in a girl's clothes - and they wouldn't have fit you anyway!"

[Icebreaker]

Q: What is the difference between a Ph.D. in mathematics and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

[Ivan Seeking]

My great wondermeant is this: Can you prove that you are not just a figment of my imagination,an object in my dream, or that I am not just an object in your dream, or are we both just an object in someone else's dream???

For a philosophical proof see Descarte's meditations.

For quantitative proof, see the IRS.

[Ivan Seeking]

A friend of mine commented today that he doesn't buy into the Big Bang Theory, Dark Matter, or Dark Energy. In fact, he said, "astrologers and cosmetologists are all nuts!"

[mapper]

What do you get when you divide the circumference of your jack-o-lantern by its diameter?





Pumpkin Pi!
Gay, i know. Crawls back in dark hole beside the interweb.

[hypatia]

ahhhhahahaha@cosmetologists

even the pumpkin pi made me smile

[hypatia]

Some comments from a 4th grade essays..

Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil

I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing

We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.

[Danger]

A friend of mine commented today that he doesn't buy into the Big Bang Theory, Dark Matter, or Dark Energy. In fact, he said, "astrologers and cosmetologists are all nuts!"
Well, in this case 2 wrongs do make him right. :biggrin:

[da615]

Here's a geek joke I made up:

Q: How does the second law of thermo apply to sausages?
A: You can put the pig into the machine and get sausages, but you can't put sausages into the machine and get the pig back.

[The Rev]

What's the square root of 69?

8-something.

:rofl:

The Rev

[Danger]

Here's one of my favourites from that ©1901 book of my dad's.

Willie found some dynamite;
Couldn't understand it, quite.
Curiosity never pays;
It rained Willie seven days.

[DaveC426913]

Willie went to drink some water

Poor lad he is no more

For what he thought was H_2O

Was H_2SO_4!

[da615]

Quasars burn bright,
Hot stars shine blue
Spacetime is warped
And so are you

[da615]

Another of my original geek jokes:

Q1: What is the difference between Physics and Engineering?
A: Engineering is Physics in the limit of zero proofs.

Q2: What is the difference between Physics and Applied Math?
A: Applied Math is Physics in the limit of zero approximations.


:blushing:

[Danger]

Quasars burn bright,
Hot stars shine blue
Spacetime is warped
And so are you
I want that on my tombstone.

[brewnog]

"The fusion plasma requires a temperature of 500 million degrees, but I forget whether that's Centigrade or Absolute"

- Overheard by Arthur Snell, Oak Ridge.

[Danger]

"The fusion plasma requires a temperature of 500 million degrees, but I forget whether that's Centigrade or Absolute"

- Overheard by Arthur Snell, Oak Ridge.
If that's a genuine quote, it's downright frightening.

Here's another one from Omni:

A young sports car driver named Breen
Had the fastest machine on the scene.
He drove fast as light,
And with no cops in sight,
He'd blue-shift the red lights to green.

What's the rule on copyrighted stuff here? Just acknowledge source?

[matthyaouw]

"The fusion plasma requires a temperature of 500 million degrees, but I forget whether that's Centigrade or Absolute"

- Overheard by Arthur Snell, Oak Ridge.

I'm going to risk sounding like a fool and say I don't get it...

[Danger]

I'm going to risk sounding like a fool and say I don't get it...
The difference between Centigrade (Celsius) and Absolute is 273°. That's sort of like saying that something weight 500,000,000 tons, but you don't know if it's imperial or metric tons. At that scale, it just doesn't matter.

[Evo]

What's the rule on copyrighted stuff here? Just acknowledge source?With jokers, that's fine, if you know it. Most of the jokes are plastered all over the internet with no way to know the original source.

[cronxeh]

he should have said Kelvin instead of absolute.. I had to look up what the heck absolute really is even though I had a hunch that it could be Kelvin

[matthyaouw]

Aah, Kelvin. Right, I get it now.
Thanks.

[physicsuser]

Here's a geek joke I made up:

Q: How does the second law of thermo apply to sausages?
A: You can put the pig into the machine and get sausages, but you can't put sausages into the machine and get the pig back.


"There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory.

Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.

They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"

He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages.

The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"

The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."
"

[Reshma]

Here is a Patient-Doctor joke:

Patient: Doctor, yesterday I had decided, I'm gonna kill myself by taking an overdose of painkillers.
Doctor(astonished): What happened then?!
Patient: Well, I took three pills and I feel better already!

[Danger]

I'm going to categorize 'linguistics' as a science so I can sneak this in. It's also from that 1901 book.

There was a young fellow named Hall
Who fell in a spring, in the fall.
T'would have been a sad thing
Had he drowned in the spring.
But he didn't; he died in the fall.

It's not really all that funny, but I love the ambiguity of the words.

[Ivan Seeking]

After minimizing the mass, how do you make a portable electric heater more efficient?

[Danger]

After minimizing the mass, how do you make a portable electric heater more efficient?
I assume, you old bugger, that at some point you're going to provide the answer. After the amount of time I devoted to this when I should have been paying attention to my job, there'd better be one. :grumpy: :biggrin:

[Huckleberry]

Someone asks an engineer "Is the glass half empty or half full?"
The engineer replies "The glass is twice as big as it needs to be."

I heard that somewhere. Is that funny?
Huck

[Danger]

So a woman on her way home from a first date told the guy that she's a witch.
"Sure..." he replied dismissively.
"I really am," she insisted. "I can turn you into anything I want to."
He shook his head and said, "No you can't. I don't believe that crap."
So she leaned over and spoke a few words softly to him and sure enough... he turned into a motel.

[brewnog]

So a woman on her way home from a first date told the guy that she's a witch.

A scientist witch, right?

[Danger]

A scientist witch, right?
Naw, but I figured I could get away with it because there's the fall-back 'debunking' forum that covers this kind of stuff. (I am a master of loop-holes, remember.) :biggrin:

[Ivan Seeking]

I assume, you old bugger, that at some point you're going to provide the answer. After the amount of time I devoted to this when I should have been paying attention to my job, there'd better be one. :grumpy: :biggrin:

Why would you want to make it [a portable electric heater] more efficient; to prevent excessive heat production? :biggrin:

[Danger]

Why would you want to make it [a portable electric heater] more efficient; to prevent excessive heat production? :biggrin:
My apologies, my master. :frown: I thought that this was a joke. If you want to get into electrohydrodynamics, that's another kettle o' fish (oh, another one for Gale.) :biggrin:

[The Rev]

Werner Heisenberg was speeding down the highway when he got pulled over by a state trooper. The cop then asked him, "Mister, do you know how fast you were going?" "No," Heisenberg responded, "But I know exactly where I was."

:rofl:

The Rev

[owl3951]

If an engineer walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it on the fire and puts it out.

If a physicist walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it eloquently around the fire and lets the fire put itself out.

If a mathematician walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he convinces himself there is a solution and leaves.

would verify that the room's average combustibility was non-dangerous.

[owl3951]

Perspectives of the world:

Optomist- the glass is half full.
pessimist- the glass is half empty.
fatalist-the water will evaporate.
existentialist- the glass is.
feminist- all glasses are equal.
narcissist-look at me in the water!
polygamist-the more glasses the merrier.
evangelist-the glass must repent.
socialist-share the glass.
capitalist-sell the glass.
anarchist- break the glass.
psychologist- How does the water feel about the glass?

Who's been drinking my beer? Wait! Is this supposed to be MY glass? My glass was much bigger! And it was full!

[owl3951]

I made this one up today while having lunch( :biggrin: I am vegetarian)

Q:Why did Dracula go to the circus?




A:Because,he wanted to get to the juggler!(jugular)? :rofl:

Vegetarian vampires go for the oat.

[brewnog]

How does a mathematician deal with constipation?



He works it out with a pencil.

[Danger]

He works it out with a pencil.
Arrrrrgggghhhhh... :tongue:

It's like the cartoon of the nurse who realizes that she's trying to write with a thermometer, and says, "some ***hole's got my pen!"

[Danger]

Someone asks an engineer "Is the glass half empty or half full?"
The engineer replies "The glass is twice as big as it needs to be."

I heard that somewhere. Is that funny?
Huck
Yes it is, but it also brings up a sore point with me. Particularly after 20 years of bartending, I think that it's the stupidest question ever contemplated by a supposedly sentient race.
Optimist—half full
Pessimist—half empty
I'm a realist—the damned thing is full. It's half full of beer, and half full of air. You can't even change that by altering the environmental pressure, because the contents of the glass will always expand to fill it.

[Danger]

Vegetarian vampires go for the oat.
Okay... this one pretty much sucks, so I can't put it anywhere else, and you did resurrect the subject...




http://img14.echo.cx/img14/4897/pf4uv.th.jpg (http://img14.echo.cx/my.php?image=pf4uv.jpg)

[owl3951]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v285/owl3951/Funny%20Stuff/AlbertEinstein01a.jpg

[owl3951]

Yes it is, but it also brings up a sore point with me. Particularly after 20 years of bartending, I think that it's the stupidest question ever contemplated by a supposedly sentient race.
Optimist—half full
Pessimist—half empty
I'm a realist—the damned thing is full. It's half full of beer, and half full of air. You can't even change that by altering the environmental pressure, because the contents of the glass will always expand to fill it.

It is acceptable grammar to have an implied "With respect to the liquid...".

[owl3951]

...of a prior joke.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v285/owl3951/SchrodingersCat01.gif

[owl3951]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v285/owl3951/TimeTravelSeminar.gif

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v285/owl3951/RecycledElectrons.gif

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v285/owl3951/shuttlebudgetcuts01.jpg

[cronxeh]

Yes it is, but it also brings up a sore point with me. Particularly after 20 years of bartending, I think that it's the stupidest question ever contemplated by a supposedly sentient race.
Optimist—half full
Pessimist—half empty
I'm a realist—the damned thing is full. It's half full of beer, and half full of air. You can't even change that by altering the environmental pressure, because the contents of the glass will always expand to fill it.


brilliant :approve:

[Jimmy Snyder]

Museum tour guide: "This fossil is two hundred million years old".
Visitor: "Two hundred million and six years old".
Tour guide: "How can you know that with such precision?".
Visitor: "I was here six years ago and at that time the guide told me it was two hundred million years old."

---------------------

A: I'm two billion years old.
B: How do you figure?
A: When I was a youngster in school, geologists said that the earth was two and a half billion years old. Now they say it's four and a half billion years old.

[Ivan Seeking]

The current related thread reminded me of this: I once told a friend how I think that the burning of the Library at Alexandria is one of the greatest tragedies in history. Some scholars suggest that the knowledge lost may have been of staggering proportions, and to imagine the cost to humanity almost makes me sick. He responded, "I thought you would have gotten over it by now!"

[matthyaouw]

My brother made some terrible math jokes the other day. We were in a pub having a meal. I ordered a steak and ale pie, and My bro's girlfriend Claire wasn't too hungry, so ordered half of one. My brother looks at me and says "Is that a whole pie you have there?" I said it was. He says "oh, Claire only has 1.571"
It got worse.
When we were part way through eating, Claire had cut her pie into more or less a square shape. Tom says "Look matt, Pie are squared!" (pi R^2)

Terrible :P

[BobG]

My brother made some terrible math jokes the other day. We were in a pub having a meal. I ordered a steak and ale pie, and My bro's girlfriend Claire wasn't too hungry, so ordered half of one. My brother looks at me and says "Is that a whole pie you have there?" I said it was. He says "oh, Claire only has 1.571"
It got worse.
When we were part way through eating, Claire had cut her pie into more or less a square shape. Tom says "Look matt, Pie are squared!" (pi R^2)

Terrible :P
He's also not very good at arithmetic - half of pie is approximately 4.27.

(Better for him to use bad arithmetic as an excuse than risk the wrath of MathIsHard) :eek:

[Danger]

This was e-mailed to my boss at the last place that I worked, so I can't credit the creator of it (nor take the blame for the grammar).

A married couple was in a terrible accident, where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before. All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[Huckleberry]

:biggrin: HAHA!!

[Icebreaker]

Two muffins are sitting in the oven. One muffin turns and says to the other, "Phew, it's hot in here!" The other muffin replies, "Holy ****, a talking muffin!"

Generalization:

Two identical inanimate objects are where you would expect them to be. One turns to the other and points out an inherant property of thier location. The other one expresses its own shock at seeing an inanimate object much like itself speaking.

[StarGazer92]

Two muffins are sitting in the oven. One muffin turns and says to the other, "Phew, it's hot in here!" The other muffin replies, "Holy ****, a talking muffin!"

Generalization:

Two identical inanimate objects are where you would expect them to be. One turns to the other and points out an inherant property of thier location. The other one expresses its own shock at seeing an inanimate object much like itself speaking.

:rofl: I love science jokes more than any other joke...except the one about...no, I'll save that one for later! :biggrin:

[tomkeus]

On some university a large party has been thrown by mathematicians and physicists. One group of physicists is trying to outsmart some mathematician, so they gave him following problem:
"You have two bikers with distance between them of D kilometers. Simultaneosly they start moving towards each other with same speed of V kilometers per hour. In the same moment bikers began moving a fly has started to fly from one of the bikers to other one with speed of U kilometers per hour. In the instant moment fly reaches other biker it turnes back and returns to the first biker and then back to other one and so on... The question is what is the distance fly has travelled until the moment bikers met each other."
After less then a second mathematican spits out correct answer: "\frac{UD}{2V}."
The physicists are disappointed and ask him if he already knew the catch.
The mathematician answered: "What catch? I've summed the series."

I'm sorry for grammatical and spelling errors. English is not my native.

[zanazzi78]

Q: What's the difference between Max Factor and Quantum Theorist?
A: Max Factor has models that work.

[bomba923]

The lamest of them all:

*Homer Simpson takes over Aquafina:

--"Shockingly refreshing, all natural deuterium hydroxide. The new drink for the new century."

[Gokul43201]

This one may have been through here before. Nevertheless...


The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

[Yaaks]

Science Of the Supernatural:
Read till the End. This happened about a month or two ago near Lonavala and even though it sounds like something out of the X-Files or from an Alfred Hitchcock movie... it's real! This guy drives from Mumbai to Pune and decides not to take the new expressway as he wants to see the scenery. The inevitable happens and when he reaches the ghats his car breaks down and he's stranded miles from nowhere. Having no choice he starts walking on the side of the road, hoping to get a lift to the nearest human habitation. It's dark and raining and pretty soon he's wet and shivering. The night rolls on and no car goes by, the monsoon rains are so strong he can hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he sees a car coming towards him. It slows and then stops next to him and without thinking the guy opens the car's door and jumps in. Seated in the back, he leans forward to thank the person who had saved him when he realizes there is nobody behind the wheel!!! Even though there's no one in the front seat and no sound of any engine, the car starts moving slowly. The guy looks at the road ahead and sees a curve coming (remember, this is in the hills and there is a steep,steep drop beyond the curve). Scared almost to death he starts to pray, begging the Lord for his life. He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel! The car >makes the curve safely and continues on the road to the next bend. The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watches how the hand appears everytime they are before acurve and moves the steering wheel just enough to get the car around each bend. Finally, the guy sees lights ahead. Gathering his courage he wrenches open the door of the silent, slowly moving car, scrambles out and runs as hard as he can towards the lights.It's a small town. Wet and in shock goes to a roadside dhaba, which is open, and asks for a drink. They find some hooch and give him a shot. And he starts telling whoever is in the dhabba about the horrible experience he's just been through. A silence envelops everybody when they realize the guy isn't drunk, and is really frightened and he's crying and shaking. So they give him more hooch and talk about what they should do, whether to call the police or find a priest, or what. But just then two guys(santa & banta) walk into the dhaba. One says to the other "Look, Banta - that's the guy who got in our car when we were pushing it."
:rofl:

[QE]

"WARNING: Do not look into laser with remaining eye !" — Sign found at MIT's Junior Lab.

"seti@home was fun. seti@work got me fired..."

"During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil."

"Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun."

"Wave if you've met Schrodinger."

"Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives."

"A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard."

"You aren't a real engineer until you make one $50000 mistake."

"The number you have dialed is imaginary. Rotate phone 90 degrees and try again."

"There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't."

"An engineer makes a $500 item with $50 worth of parts. A designer then adds $450 worth of crap."

"If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10 apostles."

[yourdadonapogostick]

http://home.netcom.com/~swansont/flipacoin.jpg

[BigBang]

A supervisor visited an 8th grade class...he wrote the word electricity on the board and asked a student to define it.
Student:electrikity is the flow of electrons in a circuit.
Supervisor:it's not''electrikity'' it's electricity
Student:that's what i'm saying sir,my dad taught that to me
electrikity
The supervisor got enough of this and told the student to fetch his father.
the student brought his father to the school and the supervisor told the student's father that the boy doesn't pronounce electricity correctly
Father:well,sir, he is a small boy and the capakity of his mind is less...don't you worry sir,when he grows up it'll be O.K.
The supervisor was very much shocked to hear the father say capakityinstead of capacity.He asked the student if there was anyone else at his home and the boy brightly replied that his grand pa is there.The supervisor told the boy to fetch his grandpa.
When the boy's grandpa came to the school the supervisor told him about the both saying electrikity rather than electricity and his father saying capakity rather than capacity
Then the boys grandpa chuckled and replied:Well, i don't blame them ...everyone might have noticed that but why are you making such a big publikity of it? :rofl:

[LENIN]

1.A historyan and a biologist are walking in the park and the historyan seas to the biologist: "What do you tink this houndret year old mapel trees would say if they could talk?" And the biologist answers: "They'd say :"We are oak's."."

2. A proffesor is giving a lectoure on thruth in science, when he notices that a student in the back raw is sleeping. So he asks him: "Could you pleas tell me what thruth is." The student doesent want ta admit that he was sleeping so he answers: "I'm sorry a knew the answer but I can't remeber it rght now." When the proffesor hears this he turns to the reast of the students and seas: "This is one of the seadest things that ever hapend to mankind, the only person who ever knew the answer forgot it."

3. 2 students are taking there final oral exams at a USSR university. The firs one enters the room and is asked a few questions that he answers corectly. But then just before he leavs the proffesor for marxism ask him what the time is. He looks down on his arm and seas it's 7 am. The proffesor for marxism the seas: "Sorry you feiled your excam the corect answer is: "Thanks to Marx,Stalin and Lenin the time is 7 AM.". The student goes out of the room and tells his friend about the catch. The other student goes in and answers all the regula question corectlly. But as he is about to leav he is also asked what time it is by the proffesor for marxisem. So he quicley seas: "Thanks to Marx, Stalin and Lenin" then looks down on his arm and adds: "I don't have a watch."

[Ivan Seeking]

True story:

Morning news: Tylenol and other pain relievers may cause hypertension in women.

Evening news: The morning news caused many women to become alarmed!

This goes back to my hypothesis that the latest news on health studies is bad for your health.

[AntonioChrist]

After that last one it is open season.

See if you can find one worse then this:

To celebrate Halloween, all the math teachers and professors got together for a big costume party. Each dressed up as their favorite math function. One particularly mean and eccentric math professor dressed up as the derivative. He ran up to the teacher dressed as cos(x) and yelled "I derive you!" The teacher tore off his costume and scurried off looking for a -sin(x) costume. The prof ran up to another teacher who was dressed as 4x^5 and yelled "I derive you!" The teacher tore off his costume and went scurrying off, looking for a 20x^4 costume. The prof ran up to a 3rd teacher and screamed "I derive you!" The teacher just stood there with his arms crossed. "Didn't you hear me?! I DERIVE YOU!" he shouted. Again, the teacher stood there, but with a smug expression on his face. "I derive you! I derive you! I derive you!" the professor shouted while jumping up and down. The teacher looked at him and said "derive me all you want. I'm e^x."


Yeah pretty bad joke, do you tell the girls your chatting up at the bar that one...im sure theres a few scratching heads when you do. I thought the banta between you and the med student was funny, do you think they were genuinely offended or just thought that they were funny being so?

[AntonioChrist]

1.A historyan and a biologist are walking in the park and the historyan seas to the biologist: "What do you tink this houndret year old mapel trees would say if they could talk?" And the biologist answers: "They'd say :"We are oak's."."

2. A proffesor is giving a lectoure on thruth in science, when he notices that a student in the back raw is sleeping. So he asks him: "Could you pleas tell me what thruth is." The student doesent want ta admit that he was sleeping so he answers: "I'm sorry a knew the answer but I can't remeber it rght now." When the proffesor hears this he turns to the reast of the students and seas: "This is one of the seadest things that ever hapend to mankind, the only person who ever knew the answer forgot it."

3. 2 students are taking there final oral exams at a USSR university. The firs one enters the room and is asked a few questions that he answers corectly. But then just before he leavs the proffesor for marxism ask him what the time is. He looks down on his arm and seas it's 7 am. The proffesor for marxism the seas: "Sorry you feiled your excam the corect answer is: "Thanks to Marx,Stalin and Lenin the time is 7 AM.". The student goes out of the room and tells his friend about the catch. The other student goes in and answers all the regula question corectlly. But as he is about to leav he is also asked what time it is by the proffesor for marxisem. So he quicley seas: "Thanks to Marx, Stalin and Lenin" then looks down on his arm and adds: "I don't have a watch."

The first two were funny, last one was a bit crap though, also, dont know whether its diliberate or not but your spelling and grammer is atroshous. Sort it out dude theres even a spell check, thanks to....the dictionary!!!LOL!

[gerben]

I am sorry, this is not a science joke, but I would like to direct you to some grammar and spelling mistakes:
The first two were funny, last one was a bit crap though, also, dont know whether its diliberate or not but your spelling and grammer is atroshous. Sort it out dude theres even a spell check, thanks to....the dictionary!!!LOL!
____________________________
The first two were funny, the last one was a bit crap though, also, I don't know whether it's deliberate or not but your spelling and grammar are atrocious. Sort it out dude there's even a spell check...

[rocketboy]

I am sorry, this is not a science joke, but I would like to direct you to some grammar and spelling mistakes:

It may not be a joke but it made me laugh! :rofl: :rofl:

[Learning Curve]

A room of highschool seniors are taking their SAT with the examiner. A bell rings and the examiner says "Time's up! Bring your tests to the front of the class on my desk and you can go." All but one student does as he's told and they stack their tests in a pile. The one student left takes 30 extra minutes to finish his section. The examiner doesn't stop him because he knows he will just have to rip up his test. Once the student is done, he walks up to the desk, and the examiner says "Oh, I'm sorry, the test was over when I said it was."

The student replies "Do you have any idea who I am!?!"
The examiner replies happily " No."
"Good", as the student stuffs his paper into the middle of the stack, unrecognizable from any of the other tests.

[Ivan Seeking]

True story:

Morning news: Tylenol and other pain relievers may cause hypertension in women.

Evening news: The morning news caused many women to become alarmed!

This goes back to my hypothesis that the latest news on health studies is bad for your health.

The same joke today on, I think it was 60 Minutes. In response to this study
http://www.physicsforums.com/showthread.php?p=725212#post725212

one psychologist stated, "people should be alarmed about the news on stress!"

[Ivan Seeking]

Here are a couple of great ones from the CT and X-Ray crowd

A long time ago there was a paper passed around among radiologists; apparently written in a serious manner, the report came complete with CT images showing four bodies all scanned simultaneously in a very large CT scanner. Since the technology can measure density variations radially, it was argued, there is no reason that scans must be limited to one body. So the new Quadrature scanner was being introduced along with the special stacking beds [or whatever] that would be needed to position two three, or all four patients. I don't remember the exactly play on words, but "QUACK" was the resulting acronym for this new CT technology.

Then there was the guy with the broken penis bone. I arrived at a hospital only to be met by the X-Ray crew who were holding a scan of a broken penis bone. They called me over to look with great excitement, so to speak, and pointed, "check it out, this guy was going at it so hard that he broke the bone in his penis!" Now, I knew this didn't seem possible, I mean, what bone?!?!?! But there is was right in front of me.

So as to make a long story short, it is an old favorite for X-Ray students that requires nothing more than a little Playdough and a broken chicken bone.

[JamesU]

Wanted

$10,000 reward.

Schroedinger's Cat.

Dead or Alive
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


and it's schrödinger

[cefarix]

A Chemical Analysis Of An Element Called Woman:
Element: woman

Symbol: Wo

Discoverer: Adam

Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118lbs but is known to vary from 100 to 160 lbs

Occurrence: Surplus quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties:
1] surface usually covered in painted film,
2] boil at nothing, freeze without reason,
3] melt if given proper treatment,
4] bitter if used incorrectly,
5] found in various states, ranging from virgin metal, to common ore.

Chemical Properties:
1] poses great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stone,
2] able to absorb great quantities of expensive substances,
3] may explode spontaneously if left alone with an opposite species most of them any way,
4] insoluble in liquid but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol,
5] yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Uses:
1] highly ornamental, especially in sports cars,
2] MOST POWERFUL MONEY-REDUCING AGENT known,
3] can be a great aid to relaxation.

Test:
1] pure specimen turns a rosy tint if discovered in a natural state,
2] turns green if placed beside a better specimen,
3] leave the reactants horny for a while,

Caution:
1] highly dangerous except in experienced hand,
2] illegal to possess more than one except in certain area (Utah,etc)
:cool:

[cefarix]

Some "You know you're a physicist when..." lines that I can relate to:

If you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator. (almost)
If it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer. (like right now)
If you always do homework on Friday nights. (all assignments within last 2 days)
If you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
If you can translate English into binary. (ive sent messages coded in hex, binary, octal, and base-26)
If you are completely addicted to caffeine. (not yet, but going there...)
If you consider ANY non-science course as easy. (except economics)
If you understood more than five of these indicators.
If you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door. (been there, done that)

[JamesU]

5] found in various states, ranging from virgin metal, to common ore.

:rofl: :rofl:

[gurkhawarhorse]

:rofl::rofl:
common ore
:rofl::rofl:

[hypatia]

Two hydrogen atoms bumped into each other recently.
One said: "Why do you look so sad?"
The other responded: "I lost an electron."
Concerned, One asked "Are you sure?"
The other replied "I'm positive."

[Lisa!]

(I don't know if someone posted before, so I post it anyway)




Break-ups: by college major:

PSYCHOLOGY
Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his Mother.

SOCIOLOGY
Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.

ARCHAEOLOGY
One tried to bury the past, and accuses the other of trying to dig it up.

THEATER
"OH! Life is... ENDED... as we KNOW it!"

BIOLOGY
"You just wanted to get in my genes!"

PHYSICS
Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must come down.

JOURNALISM
"Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill, 18, called an end to their relatonship of 2 weeks..."

WOMAN'S STUDIES
"HE did it!"


BUSINESS
Both decide that they're spending way too much money together, and that it's simply cheaper to be single.

HISTORY
Each party argues the breakup was caused by something the other party did in the past.

GEOGRAPHY
Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid each other.

ANATOMY
"I never liked your bdy anyway."

ECONOMICS
One party demands more than the other can supply.

[Ivan Seeking]

In spite of claims made by paleontologists, physicists insist that mass extinctions would violate the laws of physics.

[Ivan Seeking]

I just saw on the History channel that during WWII the Japanese "recruited" college students to serve as Kamikaze pilots. However, science students were considered to be too valuable to lose, so they were allowed to stay in school.

Once again we see that if you wish to avoid serving as a Kamikaze, you must study science.

[ZapperZ]

This is a rather OLD one, but in case someone here hasn't seen it, here it is:

http://img409.imageshack.us/img409/8381/muon4wt.jpg

If you have to ask, it's no longer funny.

:)

Zz.

[Joel]

Understanding scientific articles:

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN..." = I haven't bothered to look up the original reference

"...OF GREAT THEORETICAL AND PRACTICAL IMPORTANCE" = Interesting to me

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS..." = The experiments didn't work out, but I figure I could get publicity out of it

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY" = The results of others didn't make any sense and were ignored

"ACCIDENTALLY STAINED DURING MOUNTING" = accidentally dropped on floor

"HANDLES WITH EXTREME CARE DURING EXPERIMENTS" = not dropped on floor

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN" = the best results are shown

"PRESUMABLY AT LONGER TIMES " = I didn't take the time to find out

"THE MOST RELIABLE VALUES ARE THOSE OF JONES" = he was a student of mine

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT..." = I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT..." = a couple of other guys think so too.

"IT MIGHT BE ARGUED THAT..." = I have such a good answer for this objection and thus shall now present it

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRES BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING..." = I don't understand it.

"CORRECT WITTHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" = wrong.

"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE GLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENTS AND TO JOHN DOE FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS" = Glotz did the experiments and John explained it to me.

[DeadWolfe]

This is a rather OLD one, but in case someone here hasn't seen it, here it is:
http://img409.imageshack.us/img409/8381/muon4wt.jpg
If you have to ask, it's no longer funny.
:)
Zz.

I don't get it.

[JamesU]

http://home.netcom.com/~swansont/flipacoin.jpg
:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[Cosmo16]

This isn't a joke, but it is funney. Instead of doing my english HW I read all 18 pages of these jokes!!! And now it is 12:25. DIE FUNNEY PEOPLE

[recon]

A psychologist wanted to test the difference in logical thinking between engineering and mathematics majors, and for this purpose he set up an experiment in which the subjects were respectively a male Mathematics and a randy male Engineering undergraduate. He showed them into the lab. At the far end of the long, narrow room was a luscious semi-clad bimbo. His instructions were like so: "Fellas, I have in my hands a buzzer that I will sound every minute. Everytime I do that, you can walk half the distance that remains between yourself and the lady. Should you ever reach her, you will find her most accommodating. Do you wish to participate in the experimemt?"
Math major: "You don't fool me. This is the equivalent of the Zeno Paradox, so I am not wasting my time. I am going home, 'Bye." [Exeunt]

Engineering major: "Hee, hee! I am staying. I estimate that in 10 minutes, I will be close enough for all practical purposes."

[JamesU]

This isn't a joke, but it is funney. Instead of doing my english HW I read all 18 pages of these jokes!!! And now it is 12:25. DIE FUNNEY PEOPLE
haha lol 7 pages 4 me

[BobG]

A psychologist wanted to test the difference in logical thinking between engineering and mathematics majors, and for this purpose he set up an experiment in which the subjects were respectively a male Mathematics and a randy male Engineering undergraduate. He showed them into the lab. At the far end of the long, narrow room was a luscious semi-clad bimbo. His instructions were like so: "Fellas, I have in my hands a buzzer that I will sound every minute. Everytime I do that, you can walk half the distance that remains between yourself and the lady. Should you ever reach her, you will find her most accommodating. Do you wish to participate in the experimemt?"
Math major: "You don't fool me. This is the equivalent of the Zeno Paradox, so I am not wasting my time. I am going home, 'Bye." [Exeunt]
Engineering major: "Hee, hee! I am staying. I estimate that in 10 minutes, I will be close enough for all practical purposes."
Is this a joke or a puzzler?

Okay, I'll say the room was about 1000 feet (300 meters) long? (Assuming 10 minutes is the minimum amount of time needed, since I would think the desired distance would be a little subjective.)

[Cosmo16]

BobG- I'm 99.9% sure its a joke. It's basicly the same idea as the Balloon Joke as earlier. That Pure math majors are useless.

P.S. yomamma- I have passed that quote that is in your sig around to all my friends, and put it in my profile for AIM. I LOVE IT!

[Sephiroth 1976]

it's quite funny ^_^

╔──╗╔═─╕╔─╗╭─═╮╔═─╗　　╒╗
│╒─╛｜╒╗｜╚─╛│╓═╯｜╔╕｜╔─╝｜
｜╚─╗│｜╘╜╔─╗｜╚─╗│｜││｜＋　│
｜╔─╛｜｜　　│　││╭═╛｜│｜｜│　　｜
╘╛　　╘╛　　╚─╛╘╰═╯╘╛╘╜╚─═╛

[BobG]

Not exactly a joke, but a real discussion in a Physics class:

The problem was a 250 lb weight suspended from two cables that hang at an angle 40 degrees above the horizontal. What's the tension on each cable?

Student: 10,443 slugs (or there abouts - very bizarre answer)

Professor (dryly): I think you're just a bit high.

Student: Well, we learned about drugs in Psych class today.

[Diane_]

A group of engineering students and a group of mathematics students were on the same train heading towards a conference. Each of the mathematicians had his own ticket, while the engineers had just one for all of them. The mathematicians, of course, made fun of the stupid engineers, most of whom would be thrown off the train.

One of the engineers kept watch at the end of the compartment. When he called out that the conductor was coming, all of the engineers crowded into the bathroom. As the conductor came by, he knocked on the door and called out "Ticket, please." A single ticket came under the bathroom door. The conductor took it and proceeded to collect the tickets from the mathematicians. After the conductor left, the engineers left the bathroom and took their seats.

The mathematicians were quite impressed.

On the way back from the conference, the mathematicians purchased only a single ticket. They were quite amused by the engineers, who hadn't bothered to do even that much. One engineer and one mathematician took up watch and notified the others when the conductor was coming. The mathematicians crowded into one bathroom and the engineers into another. Just before the conductor arrived, one engineer crept out of their bathroom, knocked on the door of the other bathroom and said "Ticket, please."

[Diane_]

OK - and since I'm a mathematician and need to get a little back:

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are presented with the proposition that all odd numbers are prime and asked to verify or refute it.

The mathematician starts: Let's see, one is prime, three is prime, five is prime, seven is prime, nine... Nine's not prime. The proposition is obviously false.

The physicist tries it next: Let's see, one is prime, three is prime, five is prime, seven is prime, nine... Well, nine's not prime, but that could be experimental error. Let's go on. Eleven is prime, thirteen is prime - hmm. That's an awful lot of data. The proposition is probably true.

Then the engineer tries it: Let's see, one is prime, three is prime, five is prime, seven is prime, nine is prime, eleven is prime...

[JamesU]

it's quite funny ^_^
╔──╗╔═─╕╔─╗╭─═╮╔═─╗　　╒╗
│╒─╛｜╒╗｜╚─╛│╓═╯｜╔╕｜╔─╝｜
｜╚─╗│｜╘╜╔─╗｜╚─╗│｜││｜＋　│
｜╔─╛｜｜　　│　││╭═╛｜│｜｜│　　｜
╘╛　　╘╛　　╚─╛╘╰═╯╘╛╘╜╚─═╛
I don't get it

[scott1]

This insn't really a joke but it's my favorit Einstein quote
"The Most confussing thing in the world is Income taxes"-Albert Einstein
I guess the guy how came up with the General theory of realtivty had nothing elese confussed about :rofl:

[Cosmo16]

I don't get it

lets just say that we can't explain it on this site.

[Jimmy Snyder]

the proposition that all odd numbers are prime.
Here are a few more.

The liberal: Don't say 'odd', say 'even challenged'. We feel that all numbers are equally prime.

The optimist: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 11 is prime. Yes, all the odd numbers are prime.

The bigot: 3 is prime. Yes, all the odd numbers are prime.

The computer programmer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, ...

The Zen buddhist: 4 is not prime, 6 is not prime, 8 is not prime, 10 is not prime. Yes, all the odd numbers are prime.

The theologian: Yes, all the odd numbers are prime.

[tribdog]

the conservative: one is mine three is mine five is mine, yes all the primes are mine
the President: one is prime, two is company three is a crowd, four he's a jolly good fellow. yes I like pudding.

[tribdog]

Al-Queda: three is prime, two is prime, one is prime, boom
Foghorn Leghorn: one, Ah say one, one is pri..are you listning to me boy, I say one is prime

[Reshma]

What would a frustrated Physics student say?
A: I wish Newton had sat under a coconut tree instead of an Apple tree.

[JamesU]

lets just say that we can't explain it on this site.
now that I'm using a different browser, I can see it. ;)

[minase]

You people have no sence of humor. I could not chuckle at just one.

[Ivan Seeking]

A student in a very large auditorium-class didn't stop working on his exam when the professor called "time". When he went up to turn it in, the professor said he needen't bother, he'd already failed. The student looked at the large stack of exams on the desk and asked angrily and defiantly, "Do you know who I am?" The professor replied that he didn't. The student stuck his exam in the middle of the stack and said, "Good."

[___]

jokes with einstein.


http://pointystick.com/funnyflash.php?id=266&page=0

[Plastic Photon]

Maybe this is more humour, or just a question with an interesting answer...

Q: How many stars are there in the universe?
A: One mole.

[Lisa!]

Are you an Engineer?
If these remind you of yourself, it's a good bet you are an engineer.

- At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.

- In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure.

- The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.

- You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.

- You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday.

- You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.

- You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.

- You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.

- You forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months.

- You have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area.

- You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.

- You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

- You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.

- You know what http:// actually stands for.

- You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.

- You see a good design and still have to change it.

- You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.

- You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa).

- You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.

- You know what the geosynchronous satellite's function is.

- Your laptop computer costs more than your car.

- You've already calculated how much you make per second.

- You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.

[Danger]

:cry: I hit on about half of those!

I'm scared.

[tribdog]

These ones? They're my matches.
- You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
- You forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months.
- You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
- You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
- You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
- You know what http:// actually stands for.
- You see a good design and still have to change it.
- You know what the geosynchronous satellite's function is.
- Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
- You've already calculated how much you make per second.
- You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.

[BobG]

- At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.
- You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
- You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
- You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
- You know what http:// actually stands for.
- You know what the geosynchronous satellite's function is.
Well, these go without saying. Who wouldn't these apply to?


- You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa).
What's wrong with white socks and black tennis shoes? :confused:

- You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.

- You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.

Not only do these apply, but I still have a Commodore 64 in the garage that's awaiting repairs to the disk drive. (I'm pretty bad at procrastination sometimes).

- You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.
There's a real problem with this scenario. You would have to have memorized every star along the zodiac constellations (including the stars in between that don't belong to any of the zodiac constellations) to locate a geosynchronous satellite with the naked eye (it would be the star that doesn't belong). The normal way to locate a geosynchronous satellite is to attach a camera with a prolonged exposure to a telescope. The streaks are stars - the stars that appear stationary are geosynchronous satellites. Hmmm. Actually, if you memorized just one portion of the sky while you were looking at it, after a while you probably would notice that one of the stars in the 'constellation' you memorized has changed places. It would work better on a night with no moon.

- You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.

Well, of course I know how to use a slide rule - I own over a dozen of them!

Good ones, too. I have the first slide rule I ever used - my dad's Post Versalog made of Hemmi bamboo; I have my trusty 6" pocket Pickett (a portion of which makes up my avatar); my Albert Nestler 23R - the model preferred by Albert Einstein and Werner Von Braun; my Post 1491 Chemists slide rule with its various temperature and pressure scales, plus 'constants' for the atomic mass of common elements and substances; my Faber Castell 83N Novo Duplex slide rule (complete with instructions, but they're written in German). I even have a slide rule for computing look angles for various geosynchronous communications satellites! (Okay, so I can locate a few geosynchronous satellites in the night sky, but not very many.)

[Evo]

And the award for geekiest reponse goes to...envelope please...BobG!!!!!!! :biggrin:

BobG, you're hysterical. :tongue:

[Ivan Seeking]

Not really a joke but a bit funny... I was about to throw away an old computer when I realized that the hard drive hadn't been destroyed. But the joke is on me: Where is the hard drive? ...oh yes, this one was made before PCs had hard drives. :uhh:

[FeynmanMH42]

What do you call the part-time leader of an orchestra?
... a semiconductor.

[Danger]

And on that note, remember that old songwriters never die... they just decompose.

[rocketboy]

now that I'm using a different browser, I can see it. ;)

What browser allowed you to see it?

[Treadstone 71]

And on that note, remember that old songwriters never die... they just decompose.

Mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.

[Ivan Seeking]

On March 24, 1993, Carolyn Shoemaker discovered what look like a smashed comet on a photograph. And it was a comet. Not long after when Eugene Shoemaker announced that this newly discovered comet was going to impact Jupiter
http://www2.jpl.nasa.gov/sl9/
- a spectacular and fortuitous event that was dubbed the opportunity of a lifetime for astonomers, an event that would help to reshape our understanding of the potential threat to humanity posed by comets - Carolyn responded, "not my comet!!!"

According to Eugene Shoemaker

[DaveC426913]

From Robert J. Sawyer's latest book: Mindscan. (not that he takes credit for the jokes or anything...)

A cop pulls over Werner Heisenberg on the freeway. The cop says: "Mister, do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg responds: "No. But I know where I am!"


A passenger on a train walks up to Einstein and says "Excuse me sir, but does New York stop at this train?"


Rene Descartes walks into a bar and orders a drink. As he finishes it, the bartender asks "Say, Rene, would you like another?" Rene says "I think not." - and disappears.

[Mk]

Mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.
I lost all my functions quite awhile back.

[jhe1984]

This one's from my science textbook:

A neutron walked into a bar and asked the bartender how much for a drink.

The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."

[Astronuc]

Found in a glossary of astrophysics definitions. :rofl:

Because. Here's a word best avoided in physics. :rofl: Whenever it appears one can be almost certain that it's a filler word in a sentence which says nothing worth saying, or a word used when one can't think of a good or specific reason. While the use of the word because as a link in a chain of logical steps is benign, one should still replace it with words more specifically indicative of the type of link which is meant. See: why.

Illustrative fable: The seeker after truth sought wisdom from a Guru who lived as a hermit on top of a Himalayan mountain. After a long and arduous climb to the mountain-top the seeker was granted an audience. Sitting at the feet of the great Guru, the seeker humbly said: 'Please, answer for me the eternal question: Why?' The Guru raised his eyes to the sky, meditated for a bit, then looked the seeker straight in the eye and answered, with an air of sagacious profundity, 'Because!'

[DavidK]

Here is one translated from swedish (it still works i think)

Q: Why can't philosophers derivate

A: They have no function

[BobG]

Technological One-Upmanship
After digging to a depth of 1000 feet last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network a thousand years ago.

Not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug 2000 feet and headlines in the U.K. Papers read: "English scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibre, and have concluded that our ancestors already had an advanced high-tech digital network a thousand years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, the Irish newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 5000 feet, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, our ancestors were already using wireless technology."

[BobG]

The volume of a pizza can be found by the following method. Let z equal the radius of the pizza and let \alpha equal the thickness of the pizza. The volume can be found by multiplying the area of the top of the pizza by the thickness of the pizza. The area of the top of the pizza is equal to Pi times the radius squared (the radius times itself).

Or, the final equation:

V=Pi z z \alpha

[Ivan Seeking]

Back in the late sixties/ early seventies, after it was discovered that the outer planets would soon all be in the same general area of space at the same time - an event that happens once every 175 years, and what made the Voyager missions possible - the director of NASA declared: "The last time this happened Jefferson was President, and he blew it!"

[Ivan Seeking]

Hey, this really IS funny. Have you ever looked in on a class of freshman physics students taking a test on vectors and cross products?

All of the contortions remind me of interpretive dance.

[Atomos]

didnt read the entire thread but I ran a thread search and this one has not come up yet:


Pretty Little Polynomial and Curly Pi
Once upon a time (1/t) pretty little Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the boundary of a singularly large matrix. Now Polly was convergent, and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she must never, ever enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly, however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored this condition on the basis that it was insufficient, and made her way in amongst the complex elements.

Rows and columns closed in on her from all sides. Tangents approached her surface, and she became tenser and tenser. Quite suddenly, two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, became unstable, lost all sense of directrix, tripped over a square root that was protruding from the erf, and plunged headlong down a steep gradient. She was completely divergent by the time she reached the turning point. When she rounded off once more, she found herself inverted, apparently alone in a non-euclidean space.

She was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking inner product. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, a singular expression crossed his face. He wondered, was she convergent? He decided to integrate improperly at once.

Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated and saw Curly Pi approaching with his lower series extended. She could see at once his degenerate conic and his dissipative terms, and knew he was irrational. "Arcsinh!" she gasped.

"Hey, what's your sine?" he asked. "What a symmetric set of asymptotes you have!"

"Stay away from me!" she protested. "I haven't got any brackets on!"

"Calm yourself, my dear!" said the smooth operator.. "Your fears are purely imaginary."

"i, i, ..." she thought, "Perhaps he's not normal, but homologous."

"What order are you?" the brute suddenly demanded.

"Seventeen," replied Polly.

Curly leered, "I suppose you've never been operated upon?"

"Of course not. I'm absolutely convergent!" Polly replied quite properly.

"Come on," said Curly: "Let's go to decimal place I know of, and I'll take you to the limit."

"Never!" gasped Polly..

"Abscissa!" he swore a violent oath. Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places, and began smoothing her points of inflection. Poor Polly Nomial! The algorithm method was now her only hope. She felt him approaching her asymptotic limit. Her convergence would soon be gone forever. There was no mercy; Curly was a heavy side operator. His radius squared itself and Polly's loci quivered. He integrated by parts. He integrated by partial fractions. After he cofactored, he performed Runge-Kutta on her. He even went all the way around and did a contour integration. Curly went on operating until he satisfied her hypotheses, then he exponentiated and became completely orthogonal.

When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was no longer piecewise continuous, but had been truncated in several places. But it was too late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly's denominator increased monotonically. Finally, they took her to L'Hopital and generated a small but pathological function which left surds all over the place and drove Polly to deviation.

The moral of this tale is: "If you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom."

Now that's what I call getting your Mathematical Pundamentals right.

http://www.macs.hw.ac.uk/~pjbk/humour/polynomial.html

[topsquark]

Not a science joke, but I like it:

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
-- David Letterman

[topsquark]

Again, not science...well, maybe psychology?

A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks, "What's that for?"

"It's for your headache."

"I don't have a headache."

He replies, "Gotcha!"

[quasar987]

------------------

[Mk]

That looks like one of my tests.

[Mk]

"Calm yourself, my dear!" said the smooth operator.. "Your fears are purely imaginary."

"i, i, ..." she thought, "Perhaps he's not normal, but homologous."

"What order are you?" the brute suddenly demanded.

"Seventeen," replied Polly.

Curly leered, "I suppose you've never been operated upon?"

"Of course not. I'm absolutely convergent!" Polly replied quite properly.

"Come on," said Curly: "Let's go to decimal place I know of, and I'll take you to the limit."

"Never!" gasped Polly..

"Abscissa!" he swore a violent oath. Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places, and began smoothing her points of inflection. Poor Polly Nomial! The algorithm method was now her only hope. She felt him approaching her asymptotic limit. Her convergence would soon be gone forever. There was no mercy; Curly was a heavy side operator. His radius squared itself and Polly's loci quivered. He integrated by parts. He integrated by partial fractions. After he cofactored, he performed Runge-Kutta on her. He even went all the way around and did a contour integration. Curly went on operating until he satisfied her hypotheses, then he exponentiated and became completely orthogonal.

When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was no longer piecewise continuous, but had been truncated in several places. But it was too late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly's denominator increased monotonically. Finally, they took her to L'Hopital and generated a small but pathological function which left surds all over the place and drove Polly to deviation.

The moral of this tale is: "If you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom." :rofl: But the poor little girl got raped. :bugeye: :cry:

If you put it on in code its just fine.

[Alkatran]

Again, not science...well, maybe psychology?

A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks, "What's that for?"

"It's for your headache."

"I don't have a headache."

He replies, "Gotcha!"

That took way too long for me to get.

[QueenFisher]

very bad joke from my maths teacher

intergrate __1__ d cabin
cabin


edit. ok so that didn't work. must learn to use latex. the cabin should be under the 1.

[eax]

That took way too long for me to get.

I still don't get that joke.

[physicsuser]

I still don't get that joke.
someone explain

[zanazzi78]

someone explain


Explain what? The joke or why eax doesn`t 'get it' !?!?!?

[physicsuser]

Explain what? The joke or why eax doesn`t 'get it' !?!?!?
Do the chickens have large talons?

[DaveC426913]

I still don't get that joke.
eax:

Q: What is the #1 reason women use to get out of having sex?
A: They have a headache.

[eax]

Ah yeah lol. Now the joke makes sense.

[topsquark]

Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to hammer the bulb into a faucet.

-Dan

[topsquark]

An Oxford philosopher was giving a lecture on the philosophy of language at Columbia University, and came to a curious aspect of the English language. "You will note," said the stuffy Oxford scholar, "that in the English language, two negatives can mean a positive, but never is it the case that two positives can mean a negative." To which someone in the back responded, "yeah, yeah."


-Dan

[topsquark]

Researchers in Fairbanks Alaska announced last week that they have discovered a superconductor which will operate at room temperature.

-Dan

[topsquark]

SCIENCE: BREAD IS DANGEROUS

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat, begged for bread after as little as two days.

6. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cream cheese.

7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey, bread-pudding person.

8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 450 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than two minutes.

10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

-Dan

[topsquark]

A pessimist, and optimist, and an engineer were having breakfast together. They all had their glasses half full of whatever they were drinking when they stopped to look at them.
The pessimist says, "My glass is half empty."
The optimist says, "My glass is half full."
The engineer says, "What moron made this glass? It has twice the mass required to hold the fluid!"


-Dan

[QueenFisher]

the twisted logic of my french teacher:

'who agrees with sarah?'
'who doesn't?'
'who can't be bothered to put their hand up?'

worryingly, i was the only one who saw the flaw.

[topsquark]

the twisted logic of my french teacher:

'who agrees with sarah?'
'who doesn't?'
'who can't be bothered to put their hand up?'

worryingly, i was the only one who saw the flaw.

You know I once asked my 7 AM class to put their hands up if they were sleeping. Only two students raised their hands!

-Dan

[neutrino]

A physicist, an engineer, a mathematician, and an accountant attend an interview for a job.

Interviewer: What's 2+2?
Phy: It's 4 +/- 0.001.

Int: What's 2+2?
Eng: It's 3.99 to a good approximation.

Int: What's 2+2?
Math: I have no idea what 2+2 is, but I do know that a solution exists.

Int: What's 2+2?
Acc: *Looks around to make sure that no one's listening and says* What do you want it to be? :wink:

[Moonbear]

Hey, this really IS funny. Have you ever looked in on a class of freshman physics students taking a test on vectors and cross products?

All of the contortions remind me of interpretive dance.
I haven't read this thread in a while! I used to get the biggest kick out of peeking in the door during physics exams and watching them all trying to use the right-hand rule....and looking for the one student in the room who is using their left hand to do it! :rofl: (There's always at least one.)

[BobG]

Understanding Engineers
A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We've been waiting 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golfers!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper, let's ask him."
He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with the group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

[neutrino]

Here's a one-liner...

String Theory

:biggrin: :wink:

[Jeff Ford]

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.


So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The porollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

[Geographer]

Not exactly a joke, but I found it funny... especially considering I'm terrible at maths. In fact, this picture gives me some ideas for the next time I'm asked a question like this :tongue: .

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y279/kinkyminx/examq6.jpg

[Ivan Seeking]

Not exactly a joke, but I found it funny... especially considering I'm terrible at maths. In fact, this picture gives me some ideas for the next time I'm asked a question like this :tongue: .

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y279/kinkyminx/examq6.jpg

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

That one caught me off gaurd.

Okay, I've been playing with Linux and the Bash - Bourne again shell. :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: That's funny!

[munky99999]

Not exactly a joke, but I found it funny... especially considering I'm terrible at maths. In fact, this picture gives me some ideas for the next time I'm asked a question like this :tongue: .

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y279/kinkyminx/examq6.jpg


lol thats so great. I would have been like here it is. oh and X tells me the answer is 5cm. and never do that pythagorium theorum work.

oh and ill be nice and give ya a picture to.

http://img136.imageshack.us/img136/1811/auto0ua.jpg

[eax]

The clothes are in the way :D

[Astronuc]

From somewhere at UMass/Lowell

THE LAST WORD - The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary :rolleyes:

Activation Energy: The useful quantity of energy available in one cup of coffee.

Atomic Theory: mythological explanation of the nature of matter, first proposed by the ancient Greeks, and now thoroughly discredited by modern computer simulation. Attempts to verify the theory by modern computer simulation have failed. Instead, it has been demonstrated repeatedly that computer outputs depend upon the color of the programmer's eyes, or occasionally upon the month of his or her birth. This apparent astrological connection, at last, vindicates the alchemist's view of astrology as the mother of all science.

Bacon, Roger: An English friar who dabbled in science and made experimentation fashionable. Bacon was the first science popularizer to make it big on the banquet and talk-show circuit, and his books even outsold the fad diets of the period.

Bunsen Burner: device invented by Robert Bunsen (1811-1899) for brewing tea or coffee in the laboratory, thereby enabling the chemist to be poisoned without having to go all the way to the company cafeteria.

Butyl: An unpleasant-sounding word denoting an unpleasant - smelling alcohol.

CAI: Acronym for "Computer-Aided Instruction". The modern system of training professional scientists without ever exposing them to the hazards and expense of laboratory work. Graduates of CAI-based programs are very good at simulated research.

Cavendish: variety of pipe tobacco that is reputed to produce remarkably clear thought processes, and thereby leads to major scientific discoveries; hence, the name of a British research laboratory where the tobacco is smoked in abundance.

Chemical: substance that:
1) An organic chemist turns into a foul odor;
2) an analytical chemist turns into a procedure;
3) a physical chemist turns into a straight line;
4) a biochemist turns into a helix;
5) a chemical engineer turns into a profit.

Chemical Engineering: The practice of doing for a profit what an organic chemist only does for fun.

Chromatography: (From Gr. chromo [color] + graphos [writing]) The practice of submitting manuscripts for publication with the original figures drawn in non-reproducing blue ink.

Clinical Testing: The use of humans as guinea pigs. (See also PHARMACOLOGY and TOXICOLOGY)

Compound: To make worse, as in:
1) fracture;
2) the mutual adulteration of two or more elements.

Computer Resources: The major item of any budget, allowing for the acquisition of any capital equipment that is obsolete before the purchase request is released.

Eigen Function: The use to which an eigen is put.

En: The universal bidentate ligand used by coordination chemists. For years, efforts were made to use ethylene diamine for this purpose, but chemists were unable to squeeze all the letters between the corners of the octahedron diagram. The timely invention of en in 1947 revolutionized the science.

Evaporation Allowance: The volume of alcohol that the graduate students can drink in a year's time.

Exhaustive Methylation: A marathon event in which the participants methylate until they drop from exhaustion.

First Order Reaction: The reaction that occurs first, not always the one desired. For example, the formation of brown gunk in an organic prep.

Flame Test: Trial by fire.

Genetic Engineering: recent attempt to formalize what engineers have been doing informally all along.

Grignard: fictitious class of compounds often found on organic exams and never in real life.

Inorganic Chemistry: That which is left over after the organic, analytical, and physical chemists get through picking over the periodic table.

Mercury: (From L. Mercurius, the swift messenger of the gods) Element No. 80, so named because of the speed of which one of its compounds (calomel, Hg2Cl2) goes through the human digestive tract. The element is perhaps misnamed, because the gods probably would not be pleased by the physiological message so delivered.

Monomer: One mer. (Compare POLYMER).

Natural Product: substance that earns organic chemists fame and glory when they manage to systhesize it with great difficulty, while Nature gets no credit for making it with great ease.

Organic Chemistry: The practice of transmuting vile substances into publications.

Partition Function: The function of a partition is to protect the lab supervisor from shrapnel produced in laboratory explosions.

Pass/Fail: An attempt by professional educators to replace the traditional academic grading system with a binary one that can be handled by a large digital computer.

Pharmacology: The use of rabbits and dogs as guinea pigs. (See also CLINICAL TESTING, TOXICOLOGY).

Physical Chemistry: The pitiful attempt to apply y=mx+b to everything in the universe.

Pilot Plant: modest facility used for confirming design errors before they are built into a costly, full-scale production facility.

Polymer: Many mers. (Compare MONOMERS).

Prelims: (From L. pre [before] + limbo [oblivion]) An obligatory ritual practiced by graduate students just before the granting of a Ph.D. (if the gods are appeased) or an M.S. (if they aren't).

Publish or Perish: The imposed, involuntary choice between fame and oblivion, neither of which is handled gracefully by most faculty members.

Purple Passion: deadly libation prepared by mixing equal volumes of grape juice and lab alcohol.

Quantum Mechanics: crew kept on the payroll to repair quantums, which decay frequently to the ground state.

Rate Equations: (Verb phrase) To give a grade or a ranking to a formula based on its utility and applicability. H=E, for example, applies to everything everywhere, and therefore rates an A. pV=nRT, on the other hand, is good only for nonexistent gases and thus receives only a D+, but this grade can be changed to a B- if enough empirical virial coefficients are added.

Research: (Irregular noun) That which I do for the benefit of humanity, you do for the money, he does to hog all the glory.

Sagan: The international unit of humility.

Scientific Method: The widely held philosophy that a theory can never be proved, only disproved, and that all attempts to explain anything are therefore futile.

SI:Acronym for "Systeme Infernelle".

Spectrophotometry: long word used mainly to intimidate freshman nonmajors.

Spectroscope: disgusting-looking instrument used by medical specialists to probe and examine the spectrum.

Toxicology: The wholesale slaughter of white rats bred especially for that purpose. (See also CLINICAL TESTING, PHARMACOLOGY).

X-Ray Diffraction: An occupational disorder common among physicians, caused by reading X-ray pictures in darkened rooms for prolonged periods. The condition is readily cured by a greater reliance on blood chemistries; the lab results are just as inconclusive as the X-rays, but are easier to read.

Ytterbium: rare and inconsequential element, named after the village of Ytterby, Sweden (not to be confused with Iturbi, the late pianist and film personality, who was actually Spanish, not Swedish). Ytterbium is used mainly to fill block 70 in the periodic table. Iturbi was used mainly to play Jane Powell's father.

--
From the RHF archives as selected by Brad Templeton, Maddi Hausmann and Jim Griffith. This newsgroup posts former jokes from the newsgroup
rec.humor.funny. Visit http://www.netfunny.com/rhf to browse the RHF pages and archives on the web.

[Atomos]

What was the war between physicists in the early 20th century? The Bohr War

[howtothinklikegod]

Atomos, that was one bohring joke. God, I love science jokes. They amuse me. I think scientists need them once a day. They definitely need a lot of humor. They're too serious.

[howtothinklikegod]

Okay. I think here is one joke I really find amusing. To everyone, I hope you will all laugh.:confused:

What is matter? Never mind.
What is mind? No matter.

Hahahahaha!!! Human stupidity again! Have fun, everybody:biggrin:

[Rach3]

Okay. I think here is one joke I really find amusing. To everyone, I hope you will all laugh.:confused:

What is matter? Never mind.
What is mind? No matter.

Hahahahaha!!! Human stupidity again! Have fun, everybody:biggrin:

Simpsons! .

[Hammie]

A Physicist, trying to excuse his lateness for dinner due to extracurricular activities calls his wife:

"Sorry honey, traffic is brutal. I've been stuck on the Amperian loop all day, and can't find the exit.."

[Rach3]

Hilarious stuff at Cosmic Variance!

http://cosmicvariance.com/2006/02/13/bad-physics-jokes/#more-644

[matthyaouw]

Useful Metric Conversions...
* 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
* 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
* 10 cards = 1 decacards
* 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
* 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
* 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
* 10 rations = 1 decoration
* 10 millipedes = 1 centipede
* 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
* 2 monograms = 1 diagram
* 2 wharves = 1 paradox

[Rach3]

* 1 million microphones = 1 megaphoneUm, no, that would be a phone. :rolleyes:

* 2 wharves = 1 paradoxI thought it was two ducks.

[ubavontuba]

Forum, what silly physics jokes do you know? Here's one:

Q: What did the photon say to the electron?

A: Nothing, it just waved!

ha-ha-ha-ha!:rofl:

[matt.o]

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman pours the beer, gives it to the neutron and the neutron says "How much is that?". The barman says "For you, no charge."

[Astronuc]

http://www.eecis.udel.edu/~mader/delta/deltoidslist/1998-06/msg00121.html

Law Of Experiment
-----------------

First Law --- If anything can go wrong with an experiment or test, it will.
Second Law -- Everything goes wrong at once.
Third Law --- Experiments must be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way.
Fourth Law -- Build no mechanism simply if a way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
Fifth Law --- No hatter how an experiment or test proceeds, someone will believe it happened according to his pet theory.
Corollary One -- No matter what the result is, someone will misinterpret it.
Corollary Two -- No matter what results are anticipated, someone will be willing to fake them.

Law Of Mathematics
------------------

First Law --- In any collection of data, the figures that are obviously correct beyond all need of checking contain the errors.
Corollary One -- No one whom you ask for help will see the errors.
Corollary Two -- Everyone who stops by with unsought advice will see it immediately.
Second Law -- If,in any problem, you find yourself doing a transfinite amount of work, the answer can be obtained by inspection.
Corollary One -- If inspection fails to yield results, judicious application of one of the methods outlined in the text following may be in order.
(See Finagle's Constant)

[heartless]

The Devil said to Daniel Webster: "Set me a task I can't carry out, and I'll give you anything in the world you ask for."
Daniel Webster: "Fair enough. Prove that for n greater than 2, the equation a^n + b^n = c^n has no non-trivial solution in the integers."
They agreed on a three-day period for the labor, and the Devil disappeared.
At the end of three days, the Devil presented himself, haggard, jumpy, biting his lip. Daniel Webster said to him, "Well, how did you do at my task? Did you prove the theorem?'
"Eh? No . . . no, I haven't proved it."
"Then I can have whatever I ask for? Money? The Presidency?'
"What? Oh, that—of course. But listen! If we could just prove the following two lemmas--"
----------------From Mathematical Magpie by Clifton Fadiman

It may not be funny anymore because FLT was already proven, and it's not a practical joke, but I found it really funny.

[franznietzsche]

http://www.eecis.udel.edu/~mader/delta/deltoidslist/1998-06/msg00121.html

You forgot Finagle's Theorem, the ultimate problem solving technique that solves any math problem in two steps.

1) Multiply by zero.
2) Add the right answer.

[rocketboy]

You forgot Finagle's Theorem, the ultimate problem solving technique that solves any math problem in two steps.

1) Multiply by zero.
2) Add the right answer.

I always thought the second step was look it up in the back of the textbook.

[Hammie]

Then there's always Fudd's first law of opposition:

If you push something hard enough, it will fall over.

Anybody who gets the reference to this may have a few issues..

:biggrin:

[Jimmy Snyder]

Then there's always Fudd's first law of opposition:

If you push something hard enough, it will fall over.

Anybody who gets the reference to this may have a few issues..

:biggrin:
Firesign Theater. What issues? Firesign Theater. What issues? Firesign Theater. What issues? Firesign Theater. What issues? Firesign Theater. What issues? Firesign Theater. What issues? Firesign Theater. What issues? Firesign Theater. What issues?

[Hammie]

What issues you ask? Well, being up against the wall of science, among other things.

:biggrin:

[Astronuc]

This is not so much about science as education.

I got the following in spam email.

Un'iversity Degre'e
OBTAIN A PROSPEROUS FUTURE, MONEY-EARNING POWER, AND THE PRESTIGE THAT COMES WITH HAVING THE CAREER POSITION YOU'VE ALWAYS DREAMED OF. DI'PLOMA FROM PRESTIGIOUS NON-ACCREDITED UNI'VERSITIES BASED ON YOUR PRESENT KNOWLEDGE AND PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE.
If you qualify, no required tests, classes, books or examinations.
Confidentiality Assured :rofl:

PRESTIGIOUS NON-ACCREDITED UNI'VERSITIES :yuck:

Just make sure they spell your name, your field, and the name of the univeristy correctly. :rolleyes:

[Ukitake Jyuushirou]

Heisenberg was once stopped on the highway by a police officer who asks "Do you know how fast you were going, sir?", to which the physicist responds, "No, but I know exactly where I am!".

How many Physicists does it take to change a light bulb?" "Only one, and all the Physicist has to do is observe the light bulb and he changes it

[mathwonk]

re:

eax:

Q: What is the #1 reason women use to get out of having sex?
A: They have a headache.


this sort of l the marrieds from the un.

[mathwonk]

Perspectives of the world:

Optomist- the glass is half full.
pessimist- the glass is half empty.
fatalist-the water will evaporate.
existentialist- the glass is.
feminist- all glasses are equal.
narcissist-look at me in the water!
polygamist-the more glasses the merrier.
evangelist-the glass must repent.
socialist-share the glass.
capitalist-sell the glass.
anarchist- break the glass.
psychologist- How does the water feel about the glass?


thism reminds me of a math ed joke i saw once, but i forget the details, something that progressed from a math test in 1950 like find the factorization of x^4 - 16 into Irreducibles, to finally "underline the word "factor" in the following sentence, and then explain your attitude towards prime integers...."

[mathwonk]

now i know the difference between ivan and me:

this is ivans joke:

A student in a very large auditorium-class didn't stop working on his exam when the professor called "time". When he went up to turn it in, the professor said he needen't bother, he'd already failed. The student looked at the large stack of exams on the desk and asked angrily and defiantly, "Do you know who I am?" The professor replied that he didn't. The student stuck his exam in the middle of the stack and said, "Good."


this is mine:

the student rings the professors number at midnight and asks for his exaM SCORE: THE PROFESSOR ANSWERS: F, whats your name?

[mathwonk]

now i know the difference between ivan and me:

this is ivans joke:

A student in a very large auditorium-class didn't stop working on his exam when the professor called "time". When he went up to turn it in, the professor said he needen't bother, he'd already failed. The student looked at the large stack of exams on the desk and asked angrily and defiantly, "Do you know who I am?" The professor replied that he didn't. The student stuck his exam in the middle of the stack and said, "Good."


this is mine:

the student rings the professors number at midnight and asks for his exaM SCORE: THE PROFESSOR ANSWERS: F, whats your name?

[mathwonk]

some of the puns here reminded me of the following challenge to computer translation programs;

Time flies like an arrow: fruit flies like a banana.

[SizarieldoR]

this is mine:

the student rings the professors number at midnight and asks for his exaM SCORE: THE PROFESSOR ANSWERS: F, whats your name?

But if the professor knew the grade of the paper of that student, he should know his name as well.

[Evo]

But if the professor knew the grade of the paper of that student, he should know his name as well.:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

<snort>

[Solar Flare]

This is more of a VERY lame math joke my friend thought up during our study of logorithms: "Logs got me STUMPED!"

And after studying some pre-calc and calc this summer, one girl looks up from a paper newly handed out (after we had been doing logs for about 1 hour straight) and says, "What are 'low-go-rithms'?" It was priceless!

[star.torturer]

But if the professor knew the grade of the paper of that student, he should know his name as well. but not if ....... they all got F

[Astronuc]

This has been passed around the internet and landed in my email.

THE Latest Breakthrough in Educational Technology!

Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade-named: B.O.O.K.

B.O.O.K is a revolutionary break-through in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it.

Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere, even sitting in an armchair by the fire; yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc.


Here's how it works:

B.O.O.K. is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.

Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, B.O.O.K.s with more information simply use more pages. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.

B.O.O.K. may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.

B.O.O.K. never crashes or requires rebooting, though, like other devices, it can become damaged if coffee is spilled on it and it becomes unusable if dropped too many times on a hard surface. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature, which pin-points the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "B.O.O.K.mark" accessory allows you to open B.O.O.K. to the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been closed. B.o.o.k.marks fit universal design standards; thus, a single Bookmark can be used in B.O.O.K.s by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous B.O.O.K. markers can be used in a single B.O.O.K. if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the B.O.O.K. You can also make personal notes next to B.O.O.K. text entries with optional programming tools, Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Styli (P.E.N.C.I.L.S.).

Portable, durable, and affordable, B.O.O.K. is being hailed as a precursor
of a new entertainment wave. B.O.O.K.'s appeal seems so certain that
thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking to invest. Look for a flood of new titles soon.

Heathorn. R.J. (1962). Punch Magazine, May 9, 1962.
Circulated through bulk emails, 2000, 2001.


A RESPONSE TO "THE B.O.O.K.":

BOOK(tm)* does not, in spite of the claims, seem "to have great advantages with no drawbacks". Soon, it probably won't even be legal.

Consider:

"It can be conveniently used sitting in an armchair by the fire." Being paper, it might burn in the fire. Probably fire laws in most locations wouldn't allow its use there. Worse, such a device, which encourages close proximity of the user to fire, will be outlawed by OSHA's request.

"Each sheet bears a number in sequence, so that the sheets cannot be used in the wrong order." How quaint; to think that the programmer (author) would be allowed to turn over such an important task to the user!

"cannot" is clearly misuse; any user could incorrectly turn to the wrong
page. A proper user interface might correct that, of course, such as requiring that each sheet be torn off to expose the next. This is a clear conflict with "The user may turn at will to any sheet, going backwards or forwards as he pleases."

"BOOK(tm)s may be stored on handy shelves and for ease of reference". The user interface obviously needs more work before such a system can be practical.

"...the motive power -- is supplied by the brain of the user". Clearly, the inventors have not examined recent trends. No serious person would suggest even expecting a "user" to have a brain present, much less to use it so continuously.


On the other hand, there have been no adverse affects reported among users when a BOOK is used as intended.

Furthermore, I still use P.E.N.C.I.L technology. It is very effective for writing things, especially when used in conjunction with BOOK technology.

[Jimmy Snyder]

Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade-named: B.O.O.K.
I expect that certain interested parties will sue in order to suppress this technology unless these "books" can be copy protected.

[DaveC426913]

Furthermore, I still use P.E.N.C.I.L technology. It is very effective for writing things, especially when used in conjunction with BOOK technology.
Yeah, but the COPY function is VERY time and labour intensive.

[Ivan Seeking]

http://img435.imageshack.us/img435/5397/mathprankro5.jpg

[Tomsk]

Don't know if this has already been posted, I haven't read the whole thread.

I've studied all the sciences in order alphabetical,
My judgment is, which some of you may find to be heretical,
The field that's really quite abstruse,
The field where all the screws come loose,
The field that's famous for its spoofs, is physics theoretical.

I've taken undergraduate work whose content is forgettable;
And graduate work is gen'rally regarded as regrettable.
The lecturers are all absurd.
A cogent word is never heard.
Insanity afflicts a third in physics theoretical.

We never do experiments; we shun the purely practical.
Our best work's done in getting grants--our budgets are fantastical.
In one respect our motive's pure:
Though funding fails, we still endure--
We make damn sure our job's secure in physics theoretical.

Our scientific breakthroughs are, to say the least, debatable.
We laugh at critics haughtily; our egos are inflatable.
The rest of science goes along,
Because our last defense is strong:
It's hard to prove we're ever wrong in physics theoretical.

My maths lecturer put this on an OHP one lecture last term. She was always putting jokes up, this one was one of the best.

[SizarieldoR]

U guys mught wanna like what i found:
http://www.juliantrubin.com/sciencetrivia.html

Ivan, does it say something funny on the sheet of paper on the scientist's butt, or is the cartoon just ironizing the obsession of the mathematicians?

[Ivan Seeking]

I think the idea is that they have written something that is obviously incorrect. I don't think the cartoonist [Larson] was doing any real math here. :biggrin:

[DaveC426913]

Don't know if this has already been posted, I haven't read the whole thread.

I've studied all the sciences in order alphabetical,
My judgment is, which some of you may find to be heretical,
The field that's really quite abstruse,
The field where all the screws come loose,...


Isn't this from Gilbert and Sullivan? "I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General"?

[Astronuc]

What happened when the physicist froze a sample to absolute zero?






















Nothing. :biggrin:

[Tomsk]

Isn't this from Gilbert and Sullivan? "I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General"?

Could be. She didn't sing it though, that would have been great.:biggrin:

[Ivan Seeking]

http://img151.imageshack.us/img151/5835/cookies2dm3.jpg

Note: These cartoons are twenty years old or more.

[Reshma]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
That's hilarious!!

[DaveC426913]

Could be. She didn't sing it though, that would have been great.:biggrin:
How do you know? Maybe she was dictating.

[neutrino]

Note: These cartoons are twenty years old or more.
So how does Zz look now? :uhh:

[Astronuc]

Astronuc and Zapper in the kitchen :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

I just found that.

So how does Zz look now? :uhh: Zapper is cuter than I am.

Some Aggie wisdom from College Station, Texas -


Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.
Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.
Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.

and, most importantly,

Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.

The problem with Aggies is that they will LOOK, TASTE, SMELL, TOUCH and LISTEN - even when they're not supposed to.

[Ivan Seeking]

I was just watching a special about memory loss as a function of age. They gave all sorts of tips to help reduce the loss... now if I could just remember what all they said.

[rhuthwaite]

Hahaha eat rosemary for rememberance

[desA]

Won't Rosemary mind? :confused:

[Doc Al]

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" the young man blurted out.

"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"

The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally the professor continued.

"Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps certain people out of medical school."

[moose]

Doc Al, I think the joke sounds better if the last quote is "because it keeps people like you out of medical school", or 'because it keeps people like you from becoming doctors".

[Reshma]

http://i133.photobucket.com/albums/q71/reshma_b85/ShowLetter.jpg

[AlbertEinstein]

STATUARY WARNING: MATHEMATICS IS "SUICIDAL" TO STUDENTS:biggrin: :biggrin: :rofl:

[DaveC426913]

How awkward. All I want to do is change my notification from instant to daily. But I can't without posting a message...

[DaxInvader]

Two atoms are talking to each other...

- I think I lost an electron..
- Are you sure?
- I'm positive.

[AlbertEinstein]

I don't know if you have read this but then-
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Why did the chicken cross the road?

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on this side of the road.

Max Planck..Chicken can only cross road in fixed intervals of time, which are multiples of the fundamental time decided by dist, speed and size of chick...and no other times are allowed.

S. Chandrashekhar : Whether the chicken actually crossed the road can only be told by weighing it first and putting an upper limit to the mass in the integral of the road.

Eddington: Only two ppl on this entire earth know how the chicken crossed the road. Einstein and me.

Stephen Hawking: we can explain this by moving the video of the motion of the chicken in the backward direction and study the beggining of its motion.

My Physics teacher: I cannot tell u that as it is beyond the scope of ur text book.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads. This brought such occurrences into being.

The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

jk rowling:some body might have put the chicken under imperious curse.

I:Chicken cross the road since it knew..all above people were watching it and had to comment on it.

[ritwik06]

I don't know if you have read this but then-
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Why did the chicken cross the road?

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on this side of the road.

Max Planck..Chicken can only cross road in fixed intervals of time, which are multiples of the fundamental time decided by dist, speed and size of chick...and no other times are allowed.

S. Chandrashekhar : Whether the chicken actually crossed the road can only be told by weighing it first and putting an upper limit to the mass in the integral of the road.

Eddington: Only two ppl on this entire earth know how the chicken crossed the road. Einstein and me.

Stephen Hawking: we can explain this by moving the video of the motion of the chicken in the backward direction and study the beggining of its motion.

My Physics teacher: I cannot tell u that as it is beyond the scope of ur text book.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads. This brought such occurrences into being.

The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

jk rowling:some body might have put the chicken under imperious curse.

I:Chicken cross the road since it knew..all above people were watching it and had to comment on it.
Fantastic. And very true comment about the physics school teacher... Just enjoyed it :biggrin:

[DaxInvader]

HAHAHAHA imperious curse..........

LOL "Thou shalt cross the road"

Very nice one :P:P

But you forgot one! hahaha

Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy: 42.

[Jimmy Snyder]

Q. What do you get when a chicken crosses a road?
A. chicken road sin theta.

[Ivan Seeking]

How to identify artistic genes: They are prone to self expression.

[Danger]

Which reminds me... the only way to tell the sex of a chromosome is to pull down its genes.

[MadScientist 1000]

Nerd Comeback...

Yo' mama is so old, she still believes in the luminous aether.

[Ivan Seeking]

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates

[DaxInvader]

Heres one that is almost as bad as the famous "Why did the chicken crossed the road", and all the answers I found..

Q: How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?

1). Ten! One to change the bulb, and nine to argue how their own bulb
gives better colour.

2). None! Astronomers aren't afraid of the dark.

3). See the FAQs
"What sort of light bulb should I buy?"
"Should I start with a candle?"
"Where should I buy my light bulb?"
"Where NOT to buy a light bulb."
"What type of light bulb to avoid?"
"What will I be able to see with my bulb?"
"How do I deal with telescope-pollution?"
"Can I buy a bulb for a friend?"
"Can I use my bulb in the daytime?"

4) FAQ addendums, approximately four pages, each:
"The new microwave pumped plasma lamp vs. a bank of krypton incandescents for solar simulation experiments."
"The red LED flashlight vs. the conventional flashlight with removable red
filter."
"The different light pollution filters and the lights they can filter."
"Directed beams for convincing automatic streetlights that it is daytime."

5) 5
* one to measure it's black body radiation at room tempreature to verify it is totally dead.
* one to lobby government for money to buy another one.
* one to write the environmental impact statement.
* one to record the steps during the change for later publication in
Scientific American.
*one to shell out the money for a new one, because the government turned you down.

6) I thought astronomers used standard candles.

7) One to change the bulb, the other to complain about the light
pollution.

8) Only one, but you have to go to Hawaii to get the really good
bulbs.

9) Three, plus or minus seventy-five.

10) Eight:
1 observational astronomer to measure luminosity and redshift of bulb
1 theoretical astronomer to calculate spherical co-ordinates of bulb
1 departmental head to write to PPARC, for project funds
1 astronomical engineer to design and build the bulb replacing
satellite
1 starling SIG programmer to write satellite control and data reduction
software
1 NASA mission control expert to arrange satellite launch and say
"t-2 go for main engine start........" etc
1 remote observer to manipulate the satellites arm once in elliptical
orbit around light bulb
1 Grad student to act as scapegoat in event of mission failure

11) Four:
A research student to sit around and not learn anything.
His/her supervisor to explain how much harder it was to change light
bulbs when he/she was a research student.
An amateur astronomer to make sure it's a low pressure sodium light
bulb with proper shading to reduce light pollution (right kids!).
Some technical johnny to actual change the light bulb and generally
keep the place running while the astronomers contemplate their NGCs.

12) 10^8, because astronomers love really big numbers !

13) None, they wouldn't change it because it ruins their night vision.

14) What's a light bulb ?

15) Four:
One to actually change the darn thing.
One to operate the CCD camera to measure the number of photons it emits
whilst his friend operates the computer to do the task
And another to complain about how the CCD is out of focus and how the
light bulb actually looks like a polo mint.

16) Infinite

1 says I'm new to this: what bulb should I get?
1 says it won't be a proper bulb unless you make it yourself
1 complains about the price
1 says get it from the US
1 says get it from supersaver BC&F
1 says try 2nd hand as puts the old bulb onto UKAstroAds
1 tries to collimate the overmantle mirror
1 says the infocus rings are oval
1 says collimation is impossible
1 (Tonkin) says it's ridiculously easy
1 goes off in a huff and buys a refractor
1 says he's barmy and should buy an SCT
1 discovers the bulb has already been sold on ebay
1 says there is no lamp - it's all a NASA hoax
50 say #*=£ off Min
1 says I can't see the lamp because of the bloody Moon
1 blocks any change in case the light helps top posters
1 arrives too late because his watch is set to relative time
1 finds gravity interaction of lamp and bulb scrambles his brain
1 (from Selsey) is electrocuted trying to fit a candle
1 actually changes the bulb
1 immediately shoots it with his airgun/laser

and from the top til ready

Off!! That took time.. Next time i'll try to remember that Ctlr + C shortcut..

[EmilK]

http://www.filehive.com/files/1223/Th.verizon.jpeg (http://www.filehive.com/files/1223/verizon.jpeg)

This is the best science joke I've seen all week :rofl:

[arunbg]

Q : How many relativistic physicists does it take tio change a light bulb ?

A : Two. One to hold the bulb in place and the other to turn the universe
around.

[Gib Z]

At the physics exam: 'Describe the universe in 200 words and give three examples.' Question:
What do physicists enjoy doing the most at baseball games?

Answer:
The 'wave'.

The Stanford Linear Accelerator Center was known as SLAC, until the big earthquake, when it became known as SPLAC.
SPLAC? Stanford Piecewise Linear Accelerator.

A student recognizes Einstein in a train and asks: Excuse me, professor, but does New York stop by this train?

Researchers in Fairbanks Alaska announced last week that they have discovered a superconductor which will operate at room temperature.

The answer to the problem was 'log(1+x)'. A student copied the answer from the good student next to him, but didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to 'timber(1+x)'

One day in class, Richard Feynman was talking about angular momentum. He described rotation matrices and mentioned that they did not commute. He said that Sir William Hamilton discovered noncommutivity one night when he was taking a walk in his garden with Lady Hamilton. As they sat down on a bench, there was a moment of passion. It was then that he discovered that AB did not equal BA.

The experimentalist comes running excitedly into the theorist's office, waving a graph taken off his latest experiment. 'Hmmm,' says the theorist, 'That's exactly where you'd expect to see that peak. Here's the reason (long logical explanation follows).' In the middle of it, the experimentalist says 'Wait a minute', studies the chart for a second, and says, 'Oops, this is upside down.' He fixes it. 'Hmmm,' says the theorist, 'you'd expect to see a dip in exactly that position. Here's the reason...'.

A Princeton plasma physicist is at the beach when he discovers an ancient looking oil lantern sticking out of the sand. He rubs the sand off with a towel and a genie pops out. The genie offers to grant him one wish. The physicist retrieves a map of the world from his car an circles the Middle East and tells the genie, 'I wish you to bring peace in this region'.

After 10 long minutes of deliberation, the genie replies, 'Gee, there are lots of problems there with Lebanon, Iraq, Israel, and all those other places. This is awfully embarrassing. I've never had to do this before, but I'm just going to have to ask you for another wish. This one is just too much for me'.

Taken aback, the physicist thinks a bit and asks, 'I wish that the Princeton tokamak would achieve scientific fusion energy break-even.'

After another deliberation the genie asks, 'Could I see that map again?'

What is the difference between a physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician?

If an engineer walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it on the fire and puts it out.

If a physicist walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it eloquently around the fire and lets the fire put itself out.

If a mathematician walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he convinces himself there is a solution and leaves. (credit: Jeremiah Jazdzewski)

An experimental physicist performs an experiment involving two cats, and an inclined tin roof.

The two cats are very nearly identical; same sex, age, weight, breed, eye and hair color.

The physicist places both cats on the roof at the same height and lets them both go at the same time. One of the cats fall off the roof first so obviously there is some difference between the two cats.

What is the difference?

One cat has a greater mew. (credit: Mike Varney)

French physicist Ampere (1775-1836) had two cats, one big and a one small, and he loved them very much. But when the door was closed cats couldn't enter or exit the room. So Ampere ordered two holes to be made in his door: one big for the big cat, and one small for the small cat. (credit: Marga - unverified story)

A psychologist makes an experiment with a mathematician and a physicist. He puts a good-looking, naked woman in a bed in one corner of the room and the mathematician on a chair in another one, and tells him: 'I´ll half the distance between you and the woman every five minutes, and you´re not allowed to stand up.' the mathematician runs away, yelling: 'in that case, I´ll never get to this woman!'. After that, the psychologist takes the physicist and tells him the plan. The physicist starts grinning. the psychologist asks him: 'but you´ll never get to this woman?', the physicists tells him: 'sure, but for all practical things this is a good approximation.' (credit: Thomas Mayer)

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
To get to the same side. (credit: Tom Gregg)

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads. (credit: Muhammad Ahmed)

A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, 'How much for a beer?' The bartender looks at him, and says 'For you, no charge.'

Two fermions walk into a bar. One orders a drink. The other says 'I'll have what he's having.' (credit: Jeff Nastasi)

Two atoms bump into each other. One says 'I think I lost an electron!' The other asks, 'Are you sure?', to which the first replies, 'I'm positive.'

Renee Descartes walks into a bar, the bartender says 'sir can I get you a martini 'Descartes says 'I don't think...' and he disappears (credit: OCROWLEY101)

Where does bad light end up? Answer: In a prism! (credit: Gary Lisica)

Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says 'Do you know how fast you were going?' Heisenberg says 'No, but I know where I am.'

Why did the chicken cross the road? Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

There is this farmer who is having problems with his chickens. All of the sudden, they are all getting very sick and he doesn't know what is wrong with them. After trying all conventional means, he calls a biologist, a chemist, and a physicist to see if they can figure out what is wrong. So the biologist looks at the chickens, examines them a bit, and says he has no clue what could be wrong with them. Then the chemist takes some tests and makes some measurements, but he can't come to any conclusions either. So the physicist tries. He stands there and looks at the chickens for a long time without touching them or anything. Then all of the sudden he starts scribbling away in a notebook. Finally, after several gruesome calculations, he exclaims, 'I've got it! But it only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum.'
=================================================

At the Party with the Physicists

One day, all of the world's famous physicists decided to get together for a party (ok, there were some non-physicists too who crashed the party). Fortunately, the doorman was a grad student, and able to observe some of the guests...

* Everyone gravitated toward Newton, but he just kept moving around at a constant velocity and showed no reaction.
* Einstein thought it was a relatively good time.
* Coulomb got a real charge out of the whole thing.
* Cauchy, being the mathematician, still managed to integrate well with everyone.
* Thompson enjoyed the plum pudding.
* Pauli came late, but was mostly excluded from things, so he split.
* Pascal was under too much pressure to enjoy himself.
* Ohm spent most of the time resisting Ampere's opinions on current events.
* Hamilton went to the buffet tables exactly once.
* Volta thought the social had a lot of potential.
* Hilbert was pretty spaced out for most of it.
* Heisenberg may or may not have been there.
* Feynman got from the door to the buffet table by taking every possible path
* The Curies were there and just glowed the whole time.
* van der Waals forced himeself to mingle.
* Wien radiated a colourful personality.
* Millikan dropped his Italian oil dressing.
* de Broglie mostly just stood in the corner and waved.
* Hollerith liked the hole idea.
* Stefan and Boltzman got into some hot debates.
* Everyone was attracted to Tesla's magnetic personality.
* Compton was a little scatter-brained at times.
* Bohr ate too much and got atomic ache.
* Watt turned out to be a powerful speaker.
* Hertz went back to the buffet table several times a minute.
* Faraday had quite a capacity for food.
* Oppenheimer got bombed.
* The microwave started radiating in the background when Penzias and Wilson showed up.
* After one bite Chandrasekhar reached his limit.
* Gamow left the party early with a big bang while Hoyle stayed late in a steady state.
* For Schrodinger this was more a wave function rather than a social function.
* Skorucak wanted to put everybody on his web site.
* Erdos was sad no epsilons were invited.
* Born thought the probability of enjoying himself was pretty high.
* Instead of coming through the front door Josephson tunnelled through.
* Groucho refused to attend any party that would invite him in the first place.
* Niccolò Tartaglia kept stammering throughout the evening.
* Pauling wanted to bond with everyone.
* Keynes was keen to question the marginal utility of this party.
* Shakespeare could not decide whether to be or not to be at the party.
* John Forbes Nash wanted to play a n-person zero sum game.
* Pavlov brought his dog; which promptly chased after Schrodinger's cat.
* Zeno of Elea came with two friends - Achilles and the tortoise.
* Bill Gates came to install windows.
* Bertrand Russell kept wondering if the cook only cooks for the guests, who cooks for the cook?
* Witten bought a present all tied up with superstrings.
* The food was beautifully laid out by Mendeleyev on the periodic table.
* Riemann hypothesised about who would arrive next; to which Newton retorted, ' hypotheses non fingo.'
* Chadwick was handing out neutrons free of charge.
* Everyone was amazed at Bell's inequality.
* Watson and Crick danced the Double Helix.
* While Fermat sang, 'Save the Last Theorem for me.'
* Maxwell's demon argued with Dawkin's friend, the selfish Gene.
* Russell and Whitehead insisted on checking the bill for completeness and consistency. Godel said it was incomplete and it can never be proved otherwise.
* Epimenides the Cretan announced that only non-Cretans spoke the truth.
* Rontgen saw through everybody.
* Descartes cogitated, 'I think I am drunk. Therefore I am at the party.'
===============================================

The Fate of the Universe

a poem by Leslie C. McKinney, Ph.D

You physicists have become annoying
You can't seem to make up your minds
Did everything come from nothing
Or was nothing all there was to find?

What was that first singularity
And what made it start to inflate?
You say a vacuum is not really empty
As long as energy potentiates?

At time zero there was zero space
But fluctuation took care of that
Now there's space of an ill-defined shape
That's full of live/dead cats.

Continuing on you tell us
That we're here cause CP ain't conserved
I never thought of myself as a leftover
This is becoming absurd.

But the universe is here now
At least part of it, I guess,
How is it you can't find the dark matter
To account for the missing mass?

And what is this dark energy
Permeating like a fog?
Einstein was shamed by his fudge factor
But you've brought it back in vogue.

The news from Canada is distressing
There are too few neutrinos from the sun
But physicists aren't constrained by facts
They'll make three neutrinos from one.

So the Standard Model is in danger
It's time for a paradigm shift,
Well paradigm shift, shmaradigm pfffft,
Will you guys please get over it.

Any idea how the story will end?
Big crunch, cold death, lost souls?
Or a slipper slide to a new universe
Through a slimy little worm hole?

Which confirms my general suspicion
That reality is just theory for this bunch
Waves are particles, particles are strings,
And the universe is the ultimate free lunch.
========================================
And finally to end it, Something for this special time of year:

Is there a Santa Claus? - a physicists view

Consider the following:

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical).

This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight.

On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that 'flying reindeer' (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine.

We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each.

In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.

Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.> In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
=======================
Bloody Hilarious ****

[Jimmy Snyder]

A psychologist makes an experiment with a mathematician and a physicist. He puts a good-looking, naked woman in a bed in one corner of the room and the mathematician on a chair in another one, and tells him: 'I´ll half the distance between you and the woman every five minutes, and you´re not allowed to stand up.' the mathematician runs away, yelling: 'in that case, I´ll never get to this woman!'. After that, the psychologist takes the physicist and tells him the plan. The physicist starts grinning. the psychologist asks him: 'but you´ll never get to this woman?', the physicists tells him: 'sure, but for all practical things this is a good approximation.' (credit: Thomas Mayer)

Here's a slight improvement to the punchline. The physicist tells him: 'Sure, but we will be close enough for all practical purposes'

[Gib Z]

Yea i was thinking that too, but still, its all pretty hilarious.

[kurier44]

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar and order beers.
One says to the other one, "You know I think I'm missing an electron."
The other one asks, "Are you sure?"
To which the first one replies, "Yeah, I'm positive."

[Danger]

A limerick that I remember from some ancient book:

There was a young lady named Wright
Whose speed was far faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.

[DaveC426913]

Two neutrinos walk through a bar...

[Gokul43201]

A limerick that I remember from some ancient book:

There was a young lady named Wright
Whose speed was far faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.No, Danger! I know this lady you speak of, and her name is Bright.

[Gib Z]

And the limerick is featured in Stephan Hawking's "The Universe in a Nutshell".

[Gokul43201]

I think Hawking calls her Wright too! :grumpy:

[Jimmy Snyder]

Some googling will show that the limerick is by Arthur Buller and was published in 1923. The woman's name was Bright in the original. Bright is unusual as a name, but ties in better with the theme of the limerick.

[Danger]

No, Danger! I know this lady you speak of, and her name is Bright.

I know that, actually. I changed it because I think the original sounds kind of stupid. I hadn't actually consided the association with light that jimmy mentioned. Frankly, it's so old that I didn't expect anyone else to know it. I found it in a book that my dad had from his university days, and he graduated in 1927.

[Reshma]

Yo mama is so OLD that she STILL believes in luminiferous ether. :rofl: :biggrin:

[Jimmy Snyder]

Frankly, it's so old that I didn't expect anyone else to know it.
It's fairly well known. I think the first time I read it was in Newman's "The World of Mathematics."

[Astronuc]

As a less serious piece of mathematics, David J. Grabiner wrote

When, in the course of a proof, it becomes necessary for a set to dissolve the argument which has connected it with a theorem, and to assume among the powers of mathematics a position above that of the mathematician, a decent respect for the axioms requires that a rigorous justification be given.

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all nonzero vectors are created equal; that they are endowed by their definer with certain unalienable rights; that among these are the laws of logic and the pursuit of valid proofs; that to secure these rights, logical arguments are created, deriving their just powers from axioms; that whenever any argument becomes destructive of these ends, it is the right of the vectors to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new argument, laying its foundation on such principles, and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to reach the correct conclusion. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that theorems long established should not be changed for light and transient causes, and accordingly all experience hath shown that sets are more disposed to accept the conclusions of arguments than to right themselves by abolishing the arguments. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object, evinces a design to reduce them to zero in a non-trivial way, it is their right, it is their duty to throw off such argument, and to provide new proofs for their future security. Such has been the patient sufferance of these vectors, and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter these arguments. The history of Professor Eigen is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of dependence among these vectors. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world.

. . . .

Dave's homepage - http://remarque.org/~grabiner/index.html

[mace2]

Hey, this really IS funny. Have you ever looked in on a class of freshman physics students taking a test on vectors and cross products?

All of the contortions remind me of interpretive dance.

This is too hilarious to not quote. So true!

[siddharth]

question = 0xFF; // optimized Hamlet


From this page (http://phd.pp.ru/Texts/fun/signatures.txt). There are some real good ones there.

[Reshma]

http://nothingbutnode.freehostia.com/images/Library/Mutant.jpg
http://nothingbutnode.freehostia.com/images/Library/expand.jpg

Very funny..lol!!

[Ivan Seeking]

My dermatologist was telling me today that he is very popular: People are just itching to see him.

[Argentum Vulpes]

My dermatologist was telling me today that he is very popular: People are just itching to see him.

UGH!!! Where is the snare drum high hat sound bite.

:rofl:

[Moonbear]

My dermatologist was telling me today that he is very popular: People are just itching to see him.

I'm restarting my petition for a groan smiley. :uhh:

[Ivan Seeking]

An ancient Greek is at the window of the unemployment office.

Occupation?

I'm a stand-up philsopher

What's that?

I coelesce the vapors of human experience into a viable and comprehensible form.

Oh, you're a bullsh't artist! Did you bullsh't last week?

No.

Did you try to bullsh't last week?

Yes....
- History of the World, Part I

[Ki Man]

We should start a new thread on Physics/Math Pick-up lines.

Is your name Avogadro because I need to know your number

[cristo]

Is your name Avogadro because I need to know your number

Wow.. that's terrible. I hope for your sake that you never try and use that!

[Gib Z]

MUST BE OVER 18 YEARS OLD TO READ FURTHER:(Ignore how old I am...)

The GibZ Conjecture

Let (a,b) represent the co-ordinates of my pants, and (x,y) the co-ordinates of Jessica Alba.

\lim_{a\to x, b\to y} \sqrt{(x-a)^2 + (y-b)^2} = HAPPY PERSON

[Four]

On online chat: "I alway's use 100% recycled electrons"

Some where?: "anything new and exciting happen"
"When I moved I excited a few electrons ;)"

[Gib Z]

O My we are nerds...=)

[Ki Man]

One day Heisenburg desides to go out for a drive, when soon afterwards he is pulled over by a policeman.

Policeman: Do you have any idea how fast you were going?

Heisenburg: No, but I do know where I am.

[BobG]

At what point in orbit does Uranus have it's maximum radial velocity?

















At the semi latus rectum.

[Ki Man]

Wow.. that's terrible. I hope for your sake that you never try and use that!

dangit... that was supposed to be my one-liner for hitting on undergrad physics majors...

[Gale]

We should start a new thread on Physics/Math Pick-up lines...




I wanna test your limit and see if we converge. :cool:

[Four]

I see you are reflecting photons towards me

You have the most interesting number; mind telling me.

I like your pick up line Gale

[Gale]

Here are some other math pickup lines that have actually been used on me... .


Are you the square root of 2? Because I feel irrational when I am around you...

So, can i lie tangent to your curves?
I think i'd rather bisect your angles.


Can I explore your mean value?
If so I'll take you to the limit as x approaches infinity.

[Smurf]

What kind of nerdy-*** guys do you get hitting on you?

If your gonna geek-out at least make it awesome, like "I wish I was your problem set, because then I'd be really hard, and you'd be doing me on the desk. "
or
"int[2x,x,10,13]? "

kind of hard to pronounce that last one. online pickups only.


ok, well this isn't a math pick up line per se..your mama's so fat she has a proper subgroup isomorphic to herself

[Smurf]

a math romance
They integrated from the very point of origin. Her curves were continuous, and even though he was odd, he was a real number. The day their lines first intersected, they became an ordered pair. From then on it was a continuous function. They were both in their prime, so in next to no time they were horizontal and parallel. She was awed by the magnitude of his perpendicular line, and he was amazed by her conical projections. "Bisect my angle!" she postulated each time she reached her local maximum. He taught her the chain rule as she implicitly defined the amplitude of his simple harmonic motion. They underwent multiple rotations of their axes, until at last they reached the vertex, the critical point, their finite limit. After that they slept like logs. Later she found him taking a right-handed limit, that was a problem, because it was an improper form. He meanwhile had realized that she was irrational, not to mention square. She approached her ex, so they diverged.

i don't even understand most of the terms used in that one. but I like puns.

[Gale]

hahahaha, that last one is pretty amusing. I've had the math problem line used one me... but it could be used for any subject, so not my cuppa tea.

And obviously, the kind of nerdy-*** guys that hit on me are suave, sophisticated types with great lines that are sure to get them into a lady's pants.... duh.

[mbrmbrg]

question = 0xFF; // optimized Hamlet


From this page (http://phd.pp.ru/Texts/fun/signatures.txt). There are some real good ones there.

another one I liked from that page (thanks for linking it!):
There are 10 kinds of people in the world: Those who understand binary
mathematics and those who don't.

[mbrmbrg]

e^x and a constant are walking down the street when they see a differential operator coming towards them. "Oh no!" yells the constant. "I need to run away before it catches me and reduces me to 0!" But e^x just laughs and calls out, "Do your worst! I'm e^x." The differential operator smiles and says, "That's nice. I'm dx/dy."

[Nick666]

A guy joined the Physics and Math help forum, trying to get some help concerning some scientific questions.

[humanino]

A guy joined the Physics and Math help forum, trying to get some help concerning some scientific questions.Very good one indeed :rofl:

[sas3]

Three Indian women are sitting side by side. The first, sitting on a goatskin, has a son who weighs 170 pounds. The second, sitting on a deerskin, has a son who weighs 130 pounds. The third, seated on a hippopotamus hide, weighs 300 pounds. What famous theorem does this illustrate?

Naturally, the answer is that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

Sorry! I just had to post this one.

[qspeechc]

Two mathematician, Frank an Jeremy, walk into a bar. They see an attractive blond waitress. Frank says to Jeremy he reckons she's a dumb blonde. Jeremy doesn't believe in stereotypes and challenges him to a bet, to see whether she can get a relatively simple maths question right. After a few beers, Frank needs to re-cycle his drinks. While he's in the bathroom, Jeremy calls the waitress over. He explains the bet to her, and tells her he will ask her what the integral of x is. Then he tells her the answer she should give is a 1/2x^2. He makes her repeat this several times until he's sure she's got it. He then gives her a large tip and dismisses her. Frank returns shortly. Jeremy calls over the waitress and say "My friend here thinks your just a dumb blonde, but I disagree. We had little bet over the matter. If you correctly answer the bet, Frank here loses. Ok, what is the integral of x?" The waitress replies ''1/2x^2''. Jeremy gives Frank a smug look and Frank grudgingly hands over the money. The waitress takes a long, hard look at both of the mathematicians. She turns around, walks a few metres away, the stares at them, giving them a really dirty look. She then says "plus a constant".

I think the point of the joke was to get us to remember to add aconstant after integrating. It got a big laugh, but I'm not sure if it worked.

[Jimmy Snyder]

My favorite dumb blond joke is by Dolly Parton concerning the stereotyped role she played on the Grand Ole Opry.

The dumb blond act didn't bother me because I know I'm not dumb," she said, "and I know I'm not blond, either.

[Gib Z]

qspeechc, I think the real point of the joke was to show that attractive blond waitresses will do whatever you want for an appropriate tip :P

[cristo]

qspeechc, I think the real point of the joke was to show that attractive blond waitresses will do whatever you want for an appropriate tip :P

I think you can removed "attractive and blonde" from this statement. Any waitress wants a tip and will do things like that to get one, especially american waitresses who appear to be paid in peanuts!

The point of the story is that blonde attractive girls are not necessarily stupid.

[Gib Z]

I think you can removed "attractive and blonde" from this statement. Any waitress wants a tip and will do things like that to get one, especially american waitresses who appear to be paid in peanuts!

The point of the story is that blonde attractive girls are not necessarily stupid.

My post was a joke =P I'm sure you get it, think about it more :)

[blackcat]

You've probably all heard this/might not think it's funny but I laughed:
Mathematician's wife: You don't love me anymore! All you care about is your work!
Mathematician: That's not true of course I love you!
Mathematician's wife: Then prove it!
Mathematician: Well first we assume the contrary - let L be the set of all loveable objects...

[N468989]

if bigger is better why go nano?

[Four]

if bigger is better why go nano?

To become invisible :)

[Uther]

Let's not be shy. It's time to start a new scientific revolution :wink:.

[Jimmy Snyder]

Q: What is the difference between physics and biology?
A: In physics, vectors carry indices, while in biology vectors carry in disease.

[stizu]

Heisenberg was traveling down the autobahn in his souped up mercedes changing the radio and contemplating his navel when, all of a sudden, he sees the lights of a police car behind him. After getting over his disappointment over not being able to put in the new radio even though he had just removed the old one, he decided whether or not to pull over. Heisenberg was in a repentant mood that day, so he pulled over.

"Do you know how fast you were going?" Said the officer.

"No, but 8 \frac{\mbox{heisenberg driving jokes}}{\mbox{thread}} "

[Ivan Seeking]

How can you tell if an engineer is an extravert?

He looks at your shoes when he talks to you.

[Ivan Seeking]

http://www.2cm.co.uk/picture_files/188.jpg
http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.2cm.co.uk/picture_files/112.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.funky.co.uk/entertainment/pictures/pictures_view.php%3FID%3D112&h=448&w=360&sz=41&hl=en&start=1&tbnid=i00-2Rv5GBi1dM:&tbnh=127&tbnw=102&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dcheese%2Bgrater%2Bslide%26gbv%3D2%26s vnum%3D10%26hl%3Den

[Marghk]

[img]

Very funny..lol!!

Haha! Took me a couple of seconds to get the second one.

[lazypast]

How can you tell if an engineer is an extravert?

He looks at your shoes when he talks to you.

please eplain that, do engineers look at our own feet when we talk?

[Ivan Seeking]

please eplain that, do engineers look at our own feet when we talk?

People who are shy often do, and the joke plays to this stereotype for engineers.

[Wild Angel]

After that last one it is open season.

See if you can find one worse then this:

To celebrate Halloween, all the math teachers and professors got together for a big costume party. Each dressed up as their favorite math function. One particularly mean and eccentric math professor dressed up as the derivative. He ran up to the teacher dressed as cos(x) and yelled "I derive you!" The teacher tore off his costume and scurried off looking for a -sin(x) costume. The prof ran up to another teacher who was dressed as 4x^5 and yelled "I derive you!" The teacher tore off his costume and went scurrying off, looking for a 20x^4 costume. The prof ran up to a 3rd teacher and screamed "I derive you!" The teacher just stood there with his arms crossed. "Didn't you hear me?! I DERIVE YOU!" he shouted. Again, the teacher stood there, but with a smug expression on his face. "I derive you! I derive you! I derive you!" the professor shouted while jumping up and down. The teacher looked at him and said "derive me all you want. I'm e^x."

I don't get the punch line

[Jimmy Snyder]

I don't get the punch line
The derivative of e^x is e^x, so the teacher wasn't changed by the mean professor. (or did I take you too seriously?)

[Wild Angel]

The derivative of e^x is e^x, so the teacher wasn't changed by the mean professor. (or did I take you too seriously?)

No..I really didnt understand the punchline .Thanks:smile:

[Math Jeans]

Q: What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a hiker?

A: You can't. A mosquito is a vector, and a hiker is a scalar.

[Phred101.2]

"..mass and energy are like two sides of the same coin: the cosmic teller isn't worried about which side is face-up on his counter..."

or "mass is the get-out-of-jail card for energy when it wants to escape and go somewhere, but it has to leave the card behind, and it gets re-captured eventually"

[Ryo124]

An evil scientist has James Bond strapped down to a large rotating disc (in classic fashion).

Evil Scientist: Mr. Bond, this disc will begin rotating and the arising centrifugal force will crush every bone in your body!

Bond: Centrifugal force is simply a myth taught by overzealous science teachers. It does not exist.

Evil Scientist: On the contrary Mr. Bond, with a simple change in the coordinate system and the inertial reference frame, the centrifugal force will exist.

Bond: Well do you expect me to do coordinate system calculations in my head while strapped to a giant disc!?

Evil Scientist: No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!

[Gib Z]

An evil scientist has James Bond strapped down to a large rotating disc (in classic fashion).

Evil Scientist: Mr. Bond, this disc will begin rotating and the arising centrifugal force will crush every bone in your body!

Bond: Centrifugal force is simply a myth taught by overzealous science teachers. It does not exist.

Evil Scientist: On the contrary Mr. Bond, with a simple change in the coordinate system and the inertial reference frame, the centrifugal force will exist.

Bond: Well do you expect me to do coordinate system calculations in my head while strapped to a giant disc!?

Evil Scientist: No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!

lol! Reminds me of the batman cartoons =]

[Bill Foster]

Two neutrinos go through a bar...
...and as they walked into the bar they were ignored by all of the other particles. Finally a bartender neutron stumbled upon them and said "hey 'lil dudes, up for some punch?" "Ill show you some punch!" the little neutrino said. Little neutrino got so pissed off at the service of the bar that it smashed into the neutron, causing it to collapse into protons and electrons.

A riot broke out until a rogue neutron hit a uranium atom, causing the entire bar to explode in a gigantic fireball.

Wow. That's really funny. http://www.turboconnection.com/pics/smilies/ummslow.gif

[Astronuc]

This is amusing -

http://xkcd.com/55/

If that doesn't work, try - http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/useless.jpg

[Pierce258]

http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a189/Pierce258/MChammer.jpg
http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a189/Pierce258/elephantintheway.jpg
http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a189/Pierce258/questionfromhell.jpg


Images taken from a Facebook.com group called: If I were an enzyme i would be DNA helicase so i could unzip your genes

[Phred101.2]

Make my day...

customer: "Is that the helpdesk? Yeah my mouse isn't working, it's right at the edge of the desk and I can't move it any further, what should I do?"

helpdesk: "Have you tried switching your PC off and on a few times at the wall? Or formatting the hard drive? See if that helps...('chortle')"

[Gib Z]

This is amusing -

http://xkcd.com/55/

If that doesn't work, try - http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/useless.jpg

From the same site; http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/schrodinger.jpg .

Note: Minor profanity.

EDIT: And another one =] http://xkcd.com/26/

[Ryo124]

http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a189/Pierce258/elephantintheway.jpg


:rofl: Very funny.

[Ivan Seeking]

While working on a CAT scanner [and while still quite young] I was called into the photo lab to view an x-ray of a certain uniquely male appendage with a broken bone inside! It seemed that the poor guy got a little carried away and actually broke his bone, bone. I really couldn’t believe what I was seeing, but there was the x-ray on the lightboard and a couple of techs and a radiologist were telling me the story, so I didn’t know what to think. This was most surprising and perplexing!!! I found it very hard to believe that I had never heard about this bone before.

Take Play-Doh and mold it around a broken chicken bone and into the appropriate shape. X-ray; show to new students and techs.

[Phred101.2]

The truth about what?

There is such a thing as 'truth': it refers to "an objective ontological state of affairs".

If you never look for the truth, how can you really know what is true and what is not?
We realize that the truth, is "just the innate duty" to seek an "answer", which is 'usually' the truth.
However, we quickly realize that sometimes ignorance is bliss, and we can live with a 'little' truth.
Is there a 'truthful' way to define truth? Is the only truth that truth cannot 'be' defined? Or is it the truth that there are 'several ways' to define truth?
Are any of these statements 'not' true?
It is not true that only 'some' things are true; it's that truth can only be applied 'sparingly'. There is no 'claim' that a perspective 'qualifies' as true, merely that perspectives 'exist'.
Who is driving 'pursuit' of the truth?

A 'little old lady' from Pasadena.

(--collated from posts by 'philosophers' here at GD Philosophy thread physicsforum.com)

[Wild Angel]

Try this website for some really funny jokes. http://www.telepk.com/jokes/

[Ryo124]

Not a joke, but a "mind-boggler":

Three brothers go to a restaurant, have a meal and get the bill.

The bill is $25, so with no even change, the brothers hand the waiter $10 each.

The waiter gives each brother $1 back, and keeps $2 for himself.

So each brother payed $9 ($27), and the waiter kept $2, where is the extra dollar?

[NeoDevin]

Try this website for some really funny jokes. http://www.telepk.com/jokes/

I went to this website and right away my virus scanner popped up with a mention of a virus/malware in my temporary internet files folder. Coincidence, maybe, maybe not.

[Phred101.2]

Originally Posted by Some stonking great ninny

'This therefore is the root of your problem. Your "therefore" is unjustified because you supply a definition of "It" which does not in fact accurately describe "It"... make this clear from the first inclusion of any such term.'

[sas3]

Here is a good one.

http://dura.cell.free.fr/home/images/maths.jpg

[flying fish]

I'm guessing most everyone has seen this, but in case not:
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/scientists_create_largest_novelty_atom

[BobG]

I'm guessing most everyone has seen this, but in case not:
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/scientists_create_largest_novelty_atom

Great user name.

http://www.sphere.bc.ca/test/flyingfish/311-flyingfish-1004-b.jpg

[joeyar]

Sorry I haven't read them all and if someone has already said this one I apologise.

What do you call a joke involving Cobalt, Radon and Yttrium?

CoRnY

[Ryo124]

I love xkcd.com.

Great science and math comics.

[Tachyonie]

I am sure that someone already posted this one but I got this one:

Two atoms meet and have a talk:
Atom1: Hey, how are you doing?
Atom2: Well not so good, I think I lost an electron.
Atom1: Are you sure?
Atom2: Positive!

[CaptainQuasar]

Binary Sudoku

[DaveC426913]

I am sure that someone already posted this one but I got this one:

Two atoms meet and have a talk:
Atom1: Hey, how are you doing?
Atom2: Well not so good, I think I lost an electron.
Atom1: Are you sure?
Atom2: I'm Positive!
10 chars

[CaptainQuasar]

Supposedly (http://halowiki.ontoprise.de/halowiki/index.php/Helicase#Pop_Culture) a microbiologist pickup line:

“If I were an enzyme, I would be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.”⚛

[CaptainQuasar]

From the LimerickDB (http://www.limerickdb.com/?43):
There was a young fencer named Fisk
Whose swordplay was agile and brisk.
So fast was his action,
The Lorentz contraction
Diminished his sword to a disk.

[nicksauce]

World's shortest math joke:

Take epsilon < 0....

[mbrmbrg]

World's shortest math joke:

Take epsilon < 0....

:confused:

[Jimmy Snyder]

Bobg's TBD acronym joke reminded me of this old one:

A: I'd like to hear your opinion of my new theory.
B: It's not very good.
A: No matter, I'd like to hear it anyway.

[Ivan Seeking]

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, 'I'll have a Geologist monkey please.' The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, 'That'll be $5000.' The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, 'That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?' The Shopkeeper answered, 'Ah, that monkey is a GIT - geologist in training - it can lick rocks and tell you the exact mineralogy, well worth the money.' The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. 'That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?' 'Oh, that one's a P.Geo - a professional geologist - is can log drill holes, update and construct geological models, they are experts in igneous and metamorphic petrology and petrography, hydrogeology, sedimentolgoy and structural geology. SOME can even do basic calculations. All the really useful stuff,' said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, 'That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?'
The shopkeeper replied, 'Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's an Engineer.'

[esbo]

Not really a science joke but a logic joke.

Sign on an esculator:- "Dogs must be carried".

Smeone with IQ 140+ thinks "What if you haven't got a dog"?

[_Mayday_]

What did the lion do to the particle physicist?

Lepton him.

[Eddyah]

:confused:

Only thing that comes to mind is limits

[Leech]

There are 10 types of people in the world - those who can understand binary, and those who can't.
I've got another one like that:

There are 10 types of peolpe in the world - those who undersand ternary, those who don't, and those who mistake it for binary.

[Danger]

Ivan, I read your post a very long time ago, and just re-read it. I've owed you this for a while: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Lisa!]

Theorem: Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives.
Proof Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows, Power = Work/Time.
Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we get;
Knowledge = Work/Money
Solving for money, we find

Money = Work/Knowledge

The greater your knowledge, the more work you have to do for your money. Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done.

Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.*


A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, 'I'll have a Geologist monkey please.' The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, 'That'll be $5000.' The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, 'That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?' The Shopkeeper answered, 'Ah, that monkey is a GIT - geologist in training - it can lick rocks and tell you the exact mineralogy, well worth the money.' The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. 'That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?' 'Oh, that one's a P.Geo - a professional geologist - is can log drill holes, update and construct geological models, they are experts in igneous and metamorphic petrology and petrography, hydrogeology, sedimentolgoy and structural geology. SOME can even do basic calculations. All the really useful stuff,' said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, 'That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?'
The shopkeeper replied, 'Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's an Engineer.'
:rofl::rofl:
Wow! I can't believe that I missed this 1!

[neu]

Not a joke, but a "mind-boggler":

Three brothers go to a restaurant, have a meal and get the bill.

The bill is $25, so with no even change, the brothers hand the waiter $10 each.

The waiter gives each brother $1 back, and keeps $2 for himself.

So each brother payed $9 ($27), and the waiter kept $2, where is the extra dollar?

What extra dollar? The waiter is taking the excess, i.e. $27 - $25 = $2

nothing is missing, Is this mind boggling?

[Erythro73]

A funny link on the existence of magnetic monopoles. The narrator is one of my teacher (teaching E&M courses and Applied group theory in physics).

https://www.webdepot.umontreal.ca/Usagers/mackenzr/MonDepotPublic/pagewebpers/LaMer/indexeng.html

[Grogerian]

Think about it. 80p. Eighty-p. eighdy-p. A-D-P.

[:))]

Rofl, i was sitting here thinking how in the world 80 phosphorus what? now i get it... that's just... no :( made me feel stupid, lol

[mathlete]

World's shortest math joke:

Take epsilon < 0....

My analysis professor said one similar to this. "Let epsilon be large and negative..."

[Hurkyl]

I don't remember if I've posted these. Behold, two of the most tortured puns to which I have ever borne witness!

http://www.irregularwebcomic.net/1709.html

(one is in the comic, one in the annotation)

[CaptainQuasar]

http://i34.tinypic.com/2moaukh.jpg

From The Onion, America's Finest News Source (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/44260)

[Jimmy Snyder]

Q: What's the difference between an Einstein ring and a Dumbbell nebula?
A: The Dumbbell nebula is dimmer.

[lindaadams]

One atom walks up to another atom and says
"Dude I think I lost an electron"
the other atom replies
"Are you sure?"
he says
"Yes, I am positive"

[Crazy Tosser]

Shortest mathematics joke:
\varepsilon < 0
with the even more excessive versions
\varepsilon \ll 0
and
\varepsilon \rightarrow - \infty

[?] [:)] [?] [?] [:D] Probably only a few will laugh, but those who do are really worth it!

Best.joke.ever. Can't stop laughing LOL

[Newspeak]

A few of them are lame but there are some good ones:
http://www.jupiterscientific.org/sciinfo/jokes/physicsjokes.html

[tchitt]

One atom walks up to another atom and says
"Dude I think I lost an electron"
the other atom replies
"Are you sure?"
he says
"Yes, I am positive"

Haha. I love the jokes the robot butler in Fallout 3 tells.

Atoms have mass? I wasn't even aware they were Catholic.

A neutron walks into a bar, "how much for a drink?" he asks. The bartender replies, "For you, no charge"

[mbrmbrg]

Best.joke.ever. Can't stop laughing LOL

Ack!!
My ignorance overwhelms me; behold my shame.
But will somebody PLEASE tell me why negative epsilon is funny???

[DaveC426913]

... will somebody PLEASE tell me why negative epsilon is funny???
According to wiki, epsilon is defined as "...an arbitrarily (or nearly so) small positive quantity..."

[mbrmbrg]

Ah. Thank you. :redface: Got it. Use Wikipedia.

[Winzer]

Here's is one, you have to imagine that Jerry Seinfeld is telling it:

What's the deal the Higgs Boson? Does it even matter?
:rofl:

[nrqed]

Haha. I love the jokes the robot butler in Fallout 3 tells.

Atoms have mass? I wasn't even aware they were Catholic.




Can someone help me out. I am sure I have heard that joke in a movie but I can't put my finger on it. It is driving me crazy. I don't think it was a comedy. It is driving me crazy!

[Andre]

Can someone help me out. I am sure I have heard that joke in a movie but I can't put my finger on it. It is driving me crazy. I don't think it was a comedy. It is driving me crazy!

A Catholic mass (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mass_(liturgy))

[lederhosen]

whats does one physicist say if he wants to pick up another physicist? Let me be your cation and you be my anion i've always had an ion u..

IDK i just thought of it now

[maze]

Q: Why did the mathematician have complex numbers on his cellphone?

A: So he could call all his imaginary friends.

[skeptic2]

One student in my electronics lab opened up a 9 volt battery very carefully and replaced a few of the cells with a signal generator IC, and put it back together again. When the instructor came around, he connected it to the oscilloscope and said, "Look, this battery is putting out AC."

[Underwaterbob]

My high school chemistry teacher told us that when he was in university they would send the freshmen chem majors to the depot to pick up a bucket of mercury.

[Monitor16807]

Girl = Time x Money
And we all know time is money.
Time = Money
Therefore.
Girl = Money x Money = Money^2
And because money is the root of all evil.
Money = SQRT Evil
Therefore.
Girl = SQRT Evil^2
We are forced to conclude that.
Girl = Evil.

[svastikajla]

Girl = Time x Money
And we all know time is money.
Time = Money
Therefore.
Girl = Money x Money = Money^2
And because money is the root of all evil.
Money = SQRT Evil
Therefore.
Girl = SQRT Evil^2
We are forced to conclude that.
Girl = Evil.Or -evil?

Rigour, my friend.

http://thisdomainisirrelevant.net/imgs/215.jpg

I like this one of overclocking towards the Bose-Einstein condensate.

[navigator]

Funny.

[Vals509]

[QUOTE=EvilPoet;86474]For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers. The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light.

First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room. So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker.

A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range. There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again. Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle.

Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker.

Source: The Dark Sucker Theory page (http://home.netcom.com/~rogermw/darksucker.html)[/QUOTE

one question. Is all this stuff on dark suckers or just a joke. just confused??????????

[Vals509]

Wanted
$10,000 reward.
Schroedinger's Cat.
Dead or Alive

[Ivan Seeking]

Wanted
$10,000 reward.
Schroedinger's Cat.
Dead or Alive

Dead and Alive.

[rolerbe]

oh this is just disgusting. stop picking this joke apart. it was hilarious. if u dont get it then atleast dont spoil(hijack??? this is not a joke discussion thread) this thread for the rest of us.
Where the hell is ur sense of humor?(rehtorical lets not discuss that either)

"Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. You don't learn much, and the frog dies." -- Mark Twain

[BobG]

"Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. You don't learn much, and the frog dies." -- Mark Twain

I have to disagree with this. When I was a kid, the neighbor girl and I dissected a toad. It was the first time I saw a beating heart and working lungs. It was also the first time I realized just how long intestines are (the toad escaped the dissection and started hopping down the street). I felt I learned quite a bit. The toad did eventually die. The neighbor girl's big brother came out and chewed us out, then shot the toad several times with his BB gun until it finally died.

Analyzing comments about analyzing humor is even more fun than analyzing humor.

[DaveC426913]

I have to disagree with this. When I was a kid, the neighbor girl and I dissected a toad. It was the first time I saw a beating heart and working lungs. It was also the first time I realized just how long intestines are (the toad escaped the dissection and started hopping down the street). I felt I learned quite a bit. The toad did eventually die. The neighbor girl's big brother came out and chewed us out, then shot the toad several times with his BB gun until it finally died.

Analyzing comments about analyzing humor is even more fun than analyzing humor.

For the record, doing it while it's still alive isn't dissecting, it's ... well ... killing. You monster.

[BobG]

For the record, doing it while it's still alive isn't dissecting, it's ... well ... killing. You monster.

I just wish I hadn't moved out of that neighborhood. I would have liked to have known her when we both were older. She was obnoxious and a major troublemaker and I didn't like her very much - but she always managed to rope me into doing things I never would have tried on my own (seeing as how I was always, well almost always, a good boy). The strange things she wanted to do were always just a little too intriguing to resist once I started thinking about it.

[Ae3]

Well, don't know if it's been told already but.....

An ion walks into a pub and says to his mate "I think I lost an electron"
His mate asks "Are you sure?"
The ion answers "yeah, I'm positive!"

[DaveC426913]

I just wish I hadn't moved out of that neighborhood. I would have liked to have known her when we both were older. She was obnoxious and a major troublemaker and I didn't like her very much - but she always managed to rope me into doing things I never would have tried on my own (seeing as how I was always, well almost always, a good boy). The strange things she wanted to do were always just a little too intriguing to resist once I started thinking about it.

Then good thing you moved before puberty...

[deferro]

"Science is learning how to look serious when you have hilarious things to tell people.

I never was particularly serious about my grand joke."

--A. Einstein (paraphrased)

[deferro]

On wall of Lab:

"Heisenberg didn't know his L from his S"

[mabs239]

Teacher : What's 7Q + 3Q ?
Student: 10Q
Teacher: haha. Your welcome.

If the student were Chinese, he also could say "You'r welcome" ;)

3Q

3 is San in Hanyu. 3Q is famous replacement for thankyou in Chinese chats.

[deferro]

Assume:

h = humor; c = cheery; G = good grief...

to calculate what Einstein thought was so amusing about his "big mistake".

[Jimmy Snyder]

3 is San in Hanyu. 3Q is famous replacement for thankyou in Chinese chats.
In Japanese also 3 is san and level is kyu, so third level is san kyu, which is the same as they pronounce thank you.

[Manchot]

Just heard this one on American Dad. I thought that it was surprisingly accurate, given all of the popular misconceptions about the uncertainty principle:

"Heisenberg's wife was upset because when he had the time, he didn't have the energy, and when he had the position, he didn't have the momentum."

[mabs239]

We used to present it to our friends in the school. A funny poem which seems to be pleasant remarks untill one completes reading it. Some people can not guess the meanings even then. Translated to English from my native language.

Rose you rose
Rose are rose
Rose a rose
Rose dirty rose
Rose boy rose

[Gad]

We used to present it to our friends in the school. A funny poem which seems to be pleasant remarks untill one completes reading it. Some people can not guess the meanings even then. Translated to English from my native language.

Rose you rose
Rose are rose
Rose a rose
Rose dirty rose
Rose boy rose

haahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

that's a dirty one :rofl:

[John37]

Ok there were some good ones there ,but this will be the worst ever
1+1 = 41
see your in shock it's so good

[BobG]

http://xkcd.com/21/

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/kepler.jpg

[DaveC426913]

Ok there were some good ones there ,but this will be the worst ever
1+1 = 41
see your in shock it's so good
Has your cheese slipped off its cracker?

[davee123]

The difference between engineers and mathematicians:

An engineer was given the problem of removing two nails from a piece of wood. One of the nails had been hammered all the way in, while the other was slightly protruding. So the engineer first pulled out the protruding nail without much difficulty. Then, he dug in with his fingernails and slowly pulled out the second nail, taking far longer.

Next, a mathematician was given the same problem. The mathematician started with the nail that was pressed all the way into the wood, similarly digging in and slowly making progress until the nail was removed. He then looked at the protruding nail, and said "Oh, that's easy-- I can reduce this to a problem I've already solved!" and started by pushing the protruding nail all the way into the wood.

DaveE

[DaveC426913]

A mathematician sits on a bench eating lunch with a friend. Across the street they observe two people walking into a building. A few moments later, they see three people exiting the building.

The mathematician turns to his friend and says "Now, if only a person would re-enter the building, it will once again contain exactly zero people."

[Danger]

The difference between engineers and mathematicians:

An engineer was given the problem of removing two nails from a piece of wood. One of the nails had been hammered all the way in, while the other was slightly protruding.

And the difference between me and a real engineer... I'd set the wood on fire. When it burns away, the nails won't be in it. :approve:

[mabs239]

haahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

that's a dirty one :rofl:

Sorry, I have messed up the whole thing. You know I am out of the school for a long time. Therefore had to ask from a young lad. Unfortunately the puzzle I translated is not half as interesting as it were in Urdu. "Dirty" is not used in the origional version. Let me see if I can write the oigional one

We used to wrap up the paper so that only one line were visible to the victim. Each line contained flower ---- flower. Middle word to be filled in by the victim with the advise of the "hunter"

پھول میں پھول
پھول جمع پھول
پھول دار پھول
پھول ہوں پھول
Word by Word translation:

Folwer in Flower ("in" looks same as "I, me")
Flower plus flower ("plus" is used as "collector")
Flower"ed" Flower ("Collect in above has been converted to a noun by adding دار)
Flower "am" flower.

Then the paper is unfolded. Victim reads the middle column which translates somewhat like "I am a collector". Funnny part is that the word Collector or جمع دار is used for a sweaper or the person who cleans the gutters.

You may notice that where I used the word dirty, it acutually consits of two words, each having separate and useful meanings in their context. So it decieves much better than the word "dirty". "Dirty is a rather badword also. Moreover the same shape of "in" and "me" keeps the victim unsuspecious.

I donot know how many people do understand Urdu here and can enjoy this joke. Anyway English readers could come up with a better English version, though I am not sure that I have been able to convey the acutual tone.

[Gad]

پھول میں پھول
پھول جمع پھول
پھول دار پھول
پھول ہوں پھول
Word by Word translation:

......

are these Arabic letters? you use them to write Urdu?

[Danger]

Victim reads the middle column which translates somewhat like "I am a collector".

This reminds me, in a way, of one that my ex-employer showed me a few years ago. It's a tongue-twister, presented as follows, printed on paper:

Eye
Sofa
King
We
Todd
Did

Just get the victim to try it faster and faster until (if ever) he realizes what he's saying. :devil:

[Gad]

Eye
Sofa
King
We
Todd
Did




for how long?:biggrin:

[Danger]

for how long?:biggrin:

That depends upon how quick he is. :wink:

[atyy]

And the difference between me and a real engineer... I'd set the wood on fire. When it burns away, the nails won't be in it. :approve:

You see a house on fire, a hose and a hydrant. How would you solve the problem?
Engineer, mathematician: I'd connect the hose to the hydrant and put out the fire.

You see a house on that's not on fire, a hose and a hydrant. How would you solve the problem?
Engineer: I wouldn't do anything, because there's no problem.
Mathematician: I'd set the house on fire, thus reducing it to a problem previously solved.

[DaveC426913]

How do you know an Engineer is an extrovert?

Because, when he talks to you, he stares at *your* shoes.

[mabs239]

are these Arabic letters? you use them to write Urdu?

Yes. These are arabic alphabets. Howeve Urdu has more alphabets than Arabic and some of the unique Urdu sounds are written with more than one alphabet combiation of arbic.

Danger,

Toung-Twisters jokes have a separate category and there are many more like these in Urdu also.

[Danger]

Toung-Twisters jokes have a separate category and there are many more like these in Urdu also.
I'm aware of the difference, mabs. The point here is that this is not a tongue-twister; it's merely presented as one in order to lure the victim in.

[ViewsofMars]

http://www.mrboffo.com/comicsweb/mrboffoweb/strips/20090511bfo_s_web.jpg

I can't stop laughing. It's a science joke that a friend turned me onto, yet there is an element of truth that unfolds in this cartoon that lurks in the back of one's mind when having to debate. :devil: (tee-hee) Of course, keeping a cool head while getting the message across is essential. :approve: I salute every scientist that manages that feat. You know who I'm talking to.:wink:

I've got some catching up elsewhere on physicsforums. Looking forward to tomorrow.

p.s. A little off topic - I have the most spectacular picture I hope to post to the board if I can figure out how to do that. I took a close-up photograph of a dove with her two babies. I was on a ladder day after day and less than six inches from the nest. It was the most awesome experience. Everyday, I was watching them grow.:biggrin: They have flown away now, but the memory is still alive. I miss 'em.:cry:

[Vals509]

an argument between pi and square root of 2 is going on.
Square root of 2 : be rational man!!!
Pi : get real!!!

[prysdieheer]

What does a mathematician shout when hitting a golf ball?
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
Square root of 16!!!!

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
In Love
Prys die Heer!

[Redbelly98]

an argument between pi and square root of 2 is going on.
Square root of 2 : be rational man!!!
Pi : get real!!!

Or was it π and i ?

[Redbelly98]

From, among other places, http://www.jumbojoke.com/product_warnings_for_physicists.html

Pretty funny, even if they did get Newton's law of gravitation wrong.

My favorite is the "100% Matter Product" warning.


Product Warnings for Physicists

Warning: This product attracts every other piece of matter in the universe, including the products of other manufacturers, with a force proportional to the product of the masses and inversely proportional to the distance between them.

Handle With Extreme Care: The mass of this product contains the energy equivalent of 85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.

Caution: This product contains minute electrically charged particles moving at velocities in excess of five hundred million miles per hour.

Consumer Notice: Due to the Uncertainty Principle, it is impossible for the consumer to find out at the same time both precisely where this product is and how fast it is moving.

Advisory: There is an extremely small but nonzero chance that, through a process known as tunneling, this product may spontaneously disappear from its present location and reappear at any random place in the universe, including your neighbor's domicile. The manufacturer will not be responsible for any damages or inconvenience that may result.

Read This Before Opening Package: According to certain suggested versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the primary particles constituting this product may decay to nothingness within the next four hundred million years.

This Is a 100% Matter Product: In the unlikely event that this merchandise should contact antimatter in any form, a catastrophic explosion will result.

Public Notice as Required by Law: Any use of this product, in any manner whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in the universe. although no liability is implied herein, the consumer is warned that this process will ultimately lead to the heat death of the universe.

Note: The most fundamental particles in this product are held together by a "gluing" force about which little is currently known and whose adhesive power can therefore not be permanently guaranteed.

Attention: Despite any other listing of product contents found hereon, the consumer is advised that, in actuality, this product consists of 99.9999999999% empty space.

Please Note: Some quantum physics theories suggest that when the consumer is not directly observing this product, it may cease to exist or will exist only in a vague and undetermined state.

Component Equivalency Notice: The subatomic particles (electrons, protons, etc.) comprising this product are exactly the same in every measurable respect as those used in the products of other manufacturers, and no claim to the contrary may legitimately be expressed or implied.

Health Warning: Care should be taken when lifting this product, since its weight is dependent on its velocity relative to the user.

Important Notice to Purchasers: The entire physical universe, including this product, may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small space. should another universe subsequently re-emerge, the existence of this product in that universe cannot be guaranteed.

[Danger]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Ivan Seeking]

Atmospheric scientists do it at a bar.

[humanino]

I'm sure many of the PFers are quite interested in archaeology.

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

In the weeks that followed, not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 200 feet, and shortly after a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, the Escanaba Daily Press, a local newspaper in Upper Michigan, reported the following: "After digging over 300 feet in his pasture, Ole Olson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he'd found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Upper Michigan had already gone wireless."
.
credit
Andrew Heller | The Flint Journal February 06, 2009

[Ivan Seeking]

It turns out that plug-in hybrids do not make sense after all. Given a range of thirty miles, the price of the extension cord is ridiculous!

[humanino]

Best typo so far in "High Energy, Nuclear, Particle Physics"
quantum chronodynamics

[Kaimyn]

Why don't mathermaticians make good quantum physicists?
Because they always stop at Quantum ElectroDynamics!

Ahh, that one will be worth it for the ones who get it...
Or, then again, maybe not...

[sylas]

Why was Heisenburg's wife depressed?

Because when he had the time, he didn't have the energy; and when he had the position, he didn't have the momentum.

[QuantumED]

Sad Homework excuses.
Teacher, I don't have my homework, as due to Heisenburg's uncertainty principle, I know its speed, which is x m/s, but I don't know its location.

Teacher, I don't have my homework, as due to uncertain nature of reality, it promptly vanished into the mouth of a Canis Familiaris.

______________________________________
If I knew how to get a signature, I'd have one.

[Kaimyn]

Sad Homework excuses.
Teacher, I don't have my homework, as due to Heisenburg's uncertainty principle, I know its speed, which is x m/s, but I don't know its location.

Teacher, I don't have my homework, as due to uncertain nature of reality, it promptly vanished into the mouth of a Canis Familiaris.

______________________________________
If I knew how to get a signature, I'd have one.

Building on this:

Teacher, I don't have my homework due to Murphy's law

[QuantumED]

lol.

______________
If I knew how to get a signature I'd have one.

[Winzer]

Well Copernicus called..... And your not the center of the universe!

That one gets me every time. Its gold.

[Borek]

heisenberg (http://909sickle.com/s/****-heisenberg/)

[Markface]

Two scientists walk into a bar with the intention of a drinking contest. The bartender asks them what they'd like to drink. The first scientist says;

"I'd like a glass of H2O please"
"I'd like a glass of H2O too" said the second scientist.

Needless to say, the second scientist lost.

[Redbelly98]

"I'd like a glass of H2O too"

:rofl:

[DaveC426913]

Two scientists walk into a bar with the intention of a drinking contest. The bartender asks them what they'd like to drink. The first scientist says;

"I'd like a glass of H2O please"
"I'd like a glass of H2O too" said the second scientist.

Needless to say, the second scientist lost.
:rofl:


There was a man who drank some water
Poor man he is no more
For what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4.

[archis]

Two students are sitting in the corridor before exam and are waiting for their execution.
-What are you reading?
-Quantum physics.
-Why the book is upside down?
-What's the difference . . . ?

[Gad]

Two students are sitting in the corridor before exam and are waiting for their execution.
-What are you reading?
-Quantum physics.
-Why the book is upside down?
-What's the difference . . . ?

:rofl:

[VeeEight]

:rofl:


There was a man who drank some water
Poor man he is no more
For what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4.

Carlton Banks approves this joke

[Ivan Seeking]

http://img28.imageshack.us/img28/7577/nowwhat.jpg (http://img28.imageshack.us/i/nowwhat.jpg/)

[Ivan Seeking]

RXZ1Qg-k3Xc

[Nebula815]

LOS ALAMOS (PU) -- The recent fire at Los Alamos had one significant consequence. A secret scientific document was discovered in a bunker whose security systems were mostly destroyed by the fire. This document was leaked to the public last weekend. Actually it reveals nothing that we didn't already suspect. But it does show that the government has known all along that besides arsenic, lead, mercury, radon, strontium and plutonium, one more extremely deadly and pervasive element also exists. Investigators at a major research institution have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Governmentium (Gv) but kept top secret for 50 years.

This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 deputy neutrons, 75 supervisory neutrons, and 111 team leader neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Governmentium is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the deputy neutrons, supervisory neutrons, and team leader neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypocritical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass." You will know it when you see it.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element which radiates just as much energy since it has half as many peons, but twice as many morons.

Governmentium: the heaviest element :smile:

[Hurkyl]

The Turing test was originally envisioned as a yardstick to measure when artificial intelligence had improved to the point where it could pass as human behavior.

The internet quickly revealed a different application....

[Ivan Seeking]

http://img263.imageshack.us/img263/2048/physicsfail1.png (http://img263.imageshack.us/i/physicsfail1.png/)

[Netrinobuster]

"Mom, I don't need to tidy up my room. According to quantum mechanics, if you throw things around they tend to organize themselves"



(You should have seen the look on mom's face!)

[GreatEscapist]

I'm sure this Newton joke has been thought of before, but my friends and I thought we were oh so clever one day in physics class. It's like the perfect brother-sister argument.
*pokes sister* "Stop touching me! Mom, she's touching me!"
HAHA. Ha. Heh. Knee-slapping 3rd law jokes.

[GreatEscapist]

Hooo, I have a lot of nerd jokes.
A kid is taking a class in his chem class, when he comes across this question:
"Describe hard water, and its compounds."
Kid writes:
"Ice."
Heh heh.

[Ivan Seeking]

bbifmRBBN6Q

[Mu naught]

Hope this hasn't been told yet.


How can you tell if a mathematician is an introvert or an extrovert?










If he's an extrovert he stares at your shoes.

[DaveC426913]

Hope this hasn't been told yet.
How can you tell if a mathematician is an introvert or an extrovert?
If he's an extrovert he stares at your shoes.

No. Totally not told yet.

It was an engineer (http://physicsforums.com/showpost.php?p=2719118&postcount=41)before!

[estro]

Physics Saves Lives

As part of the standard curriculum in a pre-med college, the
students had to take a difficult class in physics. One day, the
professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. Part
way through the class, a student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do
we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives," the professor responded quickly and continued the
lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does
physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It usually keeps idiots like you out of medical school,"
replied the professor.

Doctors need to study physics to know how to deal with a patient trying to run away at the speed of light.

[Secret]

The best way to kill a person


-> Derive it multiple times!


For waves and ex, ask them to stand near a mirror and then photograph the reflection
then derive the reflection

For ex

[Gib Z]

How mathematicians do it...

Combinatorists do it as many ways as they can.
Combinatorists do it discretely.
(Logicians do it) or (~(logicians do it)).
Logicians do it by symbolic manipulation.
Algebraists do it in groups.
Algebraists do it in a ring.
Algebraists do it in fields.
Analysts do it continuously.
Real Analysts do it almost everywhere.
Pure mathematicians do it rigorously.
Topologists do it openly.
Topologists do it on rubber sheets.
Dynamicists do it chaotically.
Mathematicians do it forever if they can do one and can do one more.

Cantor did it diagonally.
Fermat tried to do it in the margin, but couldn't fit it in.
Galois did it the night before.
Mobius always does it on the same side.
Markov does it in chains.
Newton did it standing on the shoulders of giants.
When Turing did it he couldn't decide if he'd finish.

[radou]

The slogan of the most popular cell phone provider in the real number
system: "[0, 1] - connecting people."

...

Given a Jewish metric space, every convergent sequence in it is Kosher.

...

A topological space lies in bed with its wife, Mrs. Lindelöf, and she
says: "Jeez, could you stop opening my bed cover, its chilly around here?"
And the space says: "Oh, relax, you always have your subcovers to count on."



(I hope they're not too bad :biggrin:)

[lavster]

does this proton make my mass look big?! :)

[M Grandin]

Two aliens were flying their UFOs. As one of them accelerated passing light velocity,
the other one didn' t keep up with him. He asked: "Why are you lagging?"
- "I am Albert Einstein!"

[Raskolnikov]

Here's an extension of a list posted earlier. If anybody can think of any additions to the list, please post :D!

Perspectives of the world:
-------------------------------
Optimist – The glass is half-full.
Pessimist – The glass is half-empty.
Existentialist – The glass is.
Fatalist – The water will evaporate.
Futurist – The water is in the wrong half of the glass.
Feminist – All glasses are equal.
Narcissist – Look at me in the water!
Polygamist – The more glasses the merrier.
Nudist – The glass isn’t wearing anything. Why should I?
Baptist – The Lord in His infinite wisdom hast giveth us only half a glass of water for a reason!
Evangelist – The glass must repent.
Atheist – There is no glass.
Egoist – My glass is bigger than yours.
The Obsessive/Compulsive – There’s a smudge on the glass.
The Government – The glass is fuller than if the opposing party were in power.
Opposing Party – It is irrelevant because the present administration has changed the way such volume statistics are collected.
Republican – Hey, who drank half of my glass of water?
Anarchist – Break the glass.
Revolutionist – Dump the glass out and fill it again.
Socialist – Share the glass.
Capitalist – Sell the glass.
Corporatist – That glass is ours, and only ours.
Market Consultant – Your glass needs resizing.
Actuary – Personally, I think you paid too much for the glass.
Attorney – The glass is half-empty since it believes its compensation is never enough.
Psychiatrist – What did your mother say about the glass?
Psychologist – How does the water feel about the glass?
Philosopher – If the glass was in the forest and no one was there to see it, would it be half anything?
Sociologist – I don't know, but it was nice talking about it.
Engineer – The glass is twice as large as its necessary parameters.
Physicist – The cylinder is neither full nor empty. Rather, each half of the cylinder is full, one with a liquid, one with a gas.
Logician – Please define 'glass' more precisely.
Mathematician – I don't know if it's half-full or half-empty, but I can tell you an answer exists!
Combinatorialist – The task of choosing an arbitrary water molecule has been reduced to 2 subcases.
PC User – Let's restart it and maybe it will fill up this time.
Mac User – I swear! Apple invented water…or at least made it much better!
Linux User – I’ll turn the water back into oxygen and hydrogen, then take a glass cutter and cut off the top half of the glass. Finally, I'll recompile the water, then drink it…and eat the glass.
Microsoft – The rest of the water will be in the next release.
Pascal Programmer – Well, what type of water is it?
C Programmer – I drink straight from the tap.
Assembly Programmer – I drink straight from the river.
Multimedia Author – That glass is free; the next one you have to pay for.
Copyrights Protection Fanatics – Somebody drank my water and didn’t pay for it!
Free Software Foundation – The water is Nature’s gift to all mankind!
CIA – What makes you think that’s water?
NSA – We know what it really is.

--------------------------
What do you think?

[Borek]

There is no spoon.

[Danger]

If you guys don't mind a couple from the late 1940's... (I'm combining 2 for the sake of brevity, and my apologies if they've already been posted; I haven't had a chance to read this whole thread).

Q: Why did the nuclear physicist take the day off?
A: He had atomic ache.
Q: What explanatory sign did he hang on his office door?
A: Gone fission.

It's a wonder that we ever survived the cold war, with stuff like that floating around.

[jhae2.718]

Here's a really bad joke I came up with while sitting in a very boring lecture on statics in a basic engineering class:

Engineering has its moments...

[Ivan Seeking]

A unit Newton.

http://blog.fabulousfoodie.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/fignewton.jpg

[M Grandin]

Professor adding 17 +13

-"Is there any mathematician here who can evaluate the sum of 17 and 13 for us !?"
- "Yes I can, I am a professor in mathematics!"
- "Then solve the task for us!"
- "Sorry, but I have forgotten my calculator!"

[BobG]

Professor adding 17 +13

-"Is there any mathematician here who can evaluate the sum of 17 and 13 for us !?"
- "Yes I can, I am a professor in mathematics!"
- "Then solve the task for us!"
- "Sorry, but I have forgotten my calculator!"

That's an urban legend stemming from a true story.

The actual question was:

"Is there any mathematician here that can explain how to count on our fingers and toes?"
"Yes, I can. I'm a professor in mathematics!"
"So, how high can you count on your fingers and toes?"
"Sorry, but I have forgotten my calculator!"

(Which raises the question as to what type of calculator he had. I could think of one method of counting that would allow him to count up 1,099,511,627,775.)

[Andre]

Here's an extension of a list posted earlier. If anybody can think of any additions to the list, please post :D!

Perspectives of the world:
-------------------------------
Optimist – The glass is half-full.
Pessimist – The glass is half-empty.
Existentialist – The glass is.
Fatalist – The water will evaporate.
Futurist – The water is in the wrong half of the glass.
Feminist – All glasses are equal.
Narcissist – Look at me in the water!
Polygamist – The more glasses the merrier.
Nudist – The glass isn’t wearing anything. Why should I?
Baptist – The Lord in His infinite wisdom hast giveth us only half a glass of water for a reason!
Evangelist – The glass must repent.
Atheist – There is no glass.
Egoist – My glass is bigger than yours.
The Obsessive/Compulsive – There’s a smudge on the glass.
The Government – The glass is fuller than if the opposing party were in power.
Opposing Party – It is irrelevant because the present administration has changed the way such volume statistics are collected.
Republican – Hey, who drank half of my glass of water?
Anarchist – Break the glass.
Revolutionist – Dump the glass out and fill it again.
Socialist – Share the glass.
Capitalist – Sell the glass.
Corporatist – That glass is ours, and only ours.
Market Consultant – Your glass needs resizing.
Actuary – Personally, I think you paid too much for the glass.
Attorney – The glass is half-empty since it believes its compensation is never enough.
Psychiatrist – What did your mother say about the glass?
Psychologist – How does the water feel about the glass?
Philosopher – If the glass was in the forest and no one was there to see it, would it be half anything?
Sociologist – I don't know, but it was nice talking about it.
Engineer – The glass is twice as large as its necessary parameters.
Physicist – The cylinder is neither full nor empty. Rather, each half of the cylinder is full, one with a liquid, one with a gas.
Logician – Please define 'glass' more precisely.
Mathematician – I don't know if it's half-full or half-empty, but I can tell you an answer exists!
Combinatorialist – The task of choosing an arbitrary water molecule has been reduced to 2 subcases.
PC User – Let's restart it and maybe it will fill up this time.
Mac User – I swear! Apple invented water…or at least made it much better!
Linux User – I’ll turn the water back into oxygen and hydrogen, then take a glass cutter and cut off the top half of the glass. Finally, I'll recompile the water, then drink it…and eat the glass.
Microsoft – The rest of the water will be in the next release.
Pascal Programmer – Well, what type of water is it?
C Programmer – I drink straight from the tap.
Assembly Programmer – I drink straight from the river.
Multimedia Author – That glass is free; the next one you have to pay for.
Copyrights Protection Fanatics – Somebody drank my water and didn’t pay for it!
Free Software Foundation – The water is Nature’s gift to all mankind!
CIA – What makes you think that’s water?
NSA – We know what it really is.

--------------------------
What do you think?

Crackpot - This H-twenty has powers

[mathwonk]

I tried to read through this thread but didn't make it, so i apologize if these are already here. Two topology jokes:

First a definition:

A topologist is someone who cannot tell the difference between his rear end and a hole and the ground, but can tell the difference between his rear end and two holes in the ground.

Next a joke for those of you who have verified that you are topologists:

What do you get when you cross a chicken and an elephant? [The trivial elephant bundle on a chicken.]

[Redbelly98]

I could think of one method of counting that would allow him to count up 1,099,511,627,775.)
What method is that? My thoughts were of 220-1, as referred to in your signature:
If God meant for man to count higher than 1,048,575 he would have given him more fingers and toes.

[Jimmy Snyder]

What do you get when you cross a chicken and an elephant?
chicken elephant sine theta.

[mathwonk]

isnt that the length of a chicken crossed with an elephant?

[Ivan Seeking]

Honey, you know I love you, but I have a variant D4 gene.

[Ivan Seeking]

Space toilets are critical to space exploration in two ways.

1

2

[The legend]

Space toilets are critical to space exploration in two ways.

1

2

LOL!
it should be in lame jokes too....hehe :rofl:

[davenn]

Mods... please dont panic about the heading, its pure fun and a good laugh


Perpetual Motion---------------------------------------------------
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down.

Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis of a high-speed monorail system.
__________________________________________________

.......this mail got the following reply from one of the recipients
__________________________________________________ _

I've been thinking about this cat/toast business for a while. In the buttered toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered side down - it doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well with Jacob's crackers. So to save money you just miss out the toast - and butter the cats. Also, should there be an imbalance between the effects of cat and butter, there are other substances that have a stronger affinity for carpet.
Probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple formula:
p = s * t(t)/tc
where
* 'p' is the probability of carpet impact
* 's' is the "stain" value of the toast-covering substance - an indicator of the effectiveness of the toast topping in permanently staining the carpet. Chicken Tikka Masala, for example, has a very high 's' value, while the 's' value of water is zero.
* 'tc' and 't(t)' indicate the tone of the carpet and topping - the value of 'p' being strongly related to the relationship between the colour of the carpet and topping, as even chicken tikka masala won't cause a permanent and obvious stain if the carpet is the same colour.

So it is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you use chicken tikka masala and a white carpet - in fact this combination gives a 'p' value of 1, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on its feet.

Therefore a cat with chicken tikka masala on its back will be certain to hover in mid air, while there could be problems with buttered toast as the toast may fall off the cat, causing a terrible monorail crash resulting in nauseating images of members of the royal family visiting accident victims in hospital, and politicians saying it wouldn't have happened if their party was in power as there would have been more investment in cat-toast glue research.

Therefore it is in the interests not only of public safety but also public sanity if the buttered toast on cats idea is scrapped, to be replaced by a monorail powered by cats smeared with chicken tikka masala floating above a rail made from white shag pile carpet.

cheers
Dave

[FtlIsAwesome]

Mods... please dont panic about the heading, its pure fun and a good laugh


Perpetual Motion---------------------------------------------------
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down.

Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis of a high-speed monorail system.
__________________________________________________

.......this mail got the following reply from one of the recipients
__________________________________________________ _

I've been thinking about this cat/toast business for a while. In the buttered toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered side down - it doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well with Jacob's crackers. So to save money you just miss out the toast - and butter the cats. Also, should there be an imbalance between the effects of cat and butter, there are other substances that have a stronger affinity for carpet.
Probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple formula:
p = s * t(t)/tc
where
* 'p' is the probability of carpet impact
* 's' is the "stain" value of the toast-covering substance - an indicator of the effectiveness of the toast topping in permanently staining the carpet. Chicken Tikka Masala, for example, has a very high 's' value, while the 's' value of water is zero.
* 'tc' and 't(t)' indicate the tone of the carpet and topping - the value of 'p' being strongly related to the relationship between the colour of the carpet and topping, as even chicken tikka masala won't cause a permanent and obvious stain if the carpet is the same colour.

So it is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you use chicken tikka masala and a white carpet - in fact this combination gives a 'p' value of 1, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on its feet.

Therefore a cat with chicken tikka masala on its back will be certain to hover in mid air, while there could be problems with buttered toast as the toast may fall off the cat, causing a terrible monorail crash resulting in nauseating images of members of the royal family visiting accident victims in hospital, and politicians saying it wouldn't have happened if their party was in power as there would have been more investment in cat-toast glue research.

Therefore it is in the interests not only of public safety but also public sanity if the buttered toast on cats idea is scrapped, to be replaced by a monorail powered by cats smeared with chicken tikka masala floating above a rail made from white shag pile carpet.

cheers
Dave

Applause, applause, applause! :rofl:

[FtlIsAwesome]

If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z.
X is work. Y is play.
Z is keep your mouth shut.

[nobelium102]

helium walks into a bar
bartender says "we don't serve noble gases"
helium doesn't react

[Ivan Seeking]

http://img222.imageshack.us/img222/5959/2bornot2b.jpg (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/222/2bornot2b.jpg/)

[QuarkCharmer]

http://img221.imageshack.us/img221/3189/2bornot2bnz.jpg (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/221/2bornot2bnz.jpg/)

That is the question?

[Ivan Seeking]

That is the question?

It must always be true. I don't see what all of the fuss has been about.

[Amok]

I came up with a joke guys:


Why is it that physicists never get laid?


They're always trying to minimize the action!


Badoom tss!

[jhae2.718]

You can use spoiler tags to hide the punchline, rather than making the large spaces in the post.

[jhae2.718]

int question(void) {
return 0xFF; /* optimized Hamlet */
}

[DaveC426913]

$Do || ! $Do; try
try: command not found


- on a fan's T-shirt, yesterday

[clancy688]

How to hunt an elephant - that's only a little part of all methods:


MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.

EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.

PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising this Algorithm:
Go to Africa.
Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
During each traverse pass,
Catch each animal seen.
Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
Stop when a match is detected.

EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify this Algorithm by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

SQL PROGRAMMERS use the following code: SELECT elephant FROM Africa

C PROGRAMMERS determine with sizeof() how much memory is needed to store an elephant, try to allocate it, forget to check the outcome and then shoot with random pointers at the elephant

C++ PROGRAMMERS insist that an elephant is a class with its own hunting-method. And if the elephant leaves Africa, its destructor will be activated.

JAVA PROGRAMERS don't hunt elephants at all, they will import the java.animal.large.wrinkled.Grey class and extend it to their own class called MyElephant. Then whenever the need arises to hunt an elephant the will instantiate one,show everyone, then send it back to the (dung)heap.

ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.

ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.

CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.

OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.

POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.

SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely pre hunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does happen to see a elephant, the staff will: compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.

SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.

HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.

MICROSOFT buys an elephant from the zoo of seattle, copies it, tells the whole world that everybody ultimately needs an elephant because it's an ideal expansion to MS Office and exports 14 million elephants to Africa.






HOW PEOPLE FROM DIFFERENT PROFESSIONS PROVE THAT EVERY ODD INTEGER BIGGER THAN 0 IS PRIME:

Mathematician: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, and by induction - every odd integer higher than 2 is a prime.
Physicist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is a prime, ...
Engineer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime, 11 is a prime, ...
Programmer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 7 is a prime, ...
Salesperson: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- we'll do for you the best we can, ...
Computer Software Salesperson: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 will be prime in the next release, ...
Biologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- results have not arrived yet, ...
Advertiser: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 11 is a prime, ...
Lawyer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- there is not enough evidence to prove that it is not a prime, ...
Accountant: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, deducing 10% tax and 5% other obligations.
Statistician: Let's try several randomly chosen numbers -- 17 is a prime, 23 is a prime, 11 is a prime ...
Professor: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, and the rest are left as an exercise for the student.
Computational linguist: 3 is an odd prime, 5 is an odd prime, 7 is an odd prime, 9 is a very odd prime, ...
Psychologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime but tries to suppress it, ...

[Borek]

I remember when it was printed in Byte.

[micromass]

HOW PEOPLE FROM DIFFERENT PROFESSIONS PROVE THAT EVERY ODD INTEGER BIGGER THAN 0 IS PRIME:

Mathematician: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, and by induction - every odd integer higher than 2 is a prime.
Physicist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is a prime, ...
Engineer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime, 11 is a prime, ...
Programmer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 7 is a prime, ...
Salesperson: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- we'll do for you the best we can, ...
Computer Software Salesperson: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 will be prime in the next release, ...
Biologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- results have not arrived yet, ...
Advertiser: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 11 is a prime, ...
Lawyer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- there is not enough evidence to prove that it is not a prime, ...
Accountant: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, deducing 10% tax and 5% other obligations.
Statistician: Let's try several randomly chosen numbers -- 17 is a prime, 23 is a prime, 11 is a prime ...
Professor: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, and the rest are left as an exercise for the student.
Computational linguist: 3 is an odd prime, 5 is an odd prime, 7 is an odd prime, 9 is a very odd prime, ...
Psychologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime but tries to suppress it, ...

Confused student: 3 is odd, 5 is odd, 7 is odd, 11 is odd, 13 is odd,...
Philosopher: But what is a number?
Communist: All numbers are equally prime.

[unchained1978]

Anyone know any good math/physics jokes?

[phinds]

Scribbled on the wall in the athletic dept locker room: "Kilroy was here"

Scribbled on the wall in the John near the Physics Dept. "Heisenberg may have been here".

[Kevin_Axion]

1.
Q: What is an anagram of Banach-Tarski?
A: Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski

2.
Q: What does the B stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot?
A: Benoit B. Mandelbrot

[Eynstone]

A cop pulls over Heisenberg for crossing the speed limit.
Cop: DO you know how fast you've been driving?
Heisenberg: No, but I know where I am.

[micromass]

Check out http://jcdverha.home.xs4all.nl/scijokes/index.html#1 for a very large collection of jokes. :smile:

[Unit]

Schrödinger tries Shakespeare: "To be and not to be..."

[Constantinos]

some old engineering jokes:


Engineering Ingenuity
On the train to a math and engineering convention, a group of math majors and a group of engineering majors sat in the same car. Each of the math majors had his/her train ticket, but it became clear that the group of engineers
had only ONE ticket amongst them. The math majors started laughing and snickering. When one of the engineers said "Here comes the conductor", all of the engineers went into the bathroom. The math majors were puzzled. The conductor
came aboard, said "tickets please" and collected tickets from all the math majors. He then went to the bathroom, knocked on the door and said "ticket please" and the engineers stuck the ticket under the door. The conductor took it
and left, and the engineers came out of the bathroom a few minutes later. The math majors felt really stupid. So, on the way back from the convention, the group of math majors had one ticket for the group. They started snickering
at the engineers, for this time the whole group had NO tickets amongst them. When the engineer lookout said "Conductor coming!", all the engineers went to one bathroom. All the math majors went to another bathroom. Just before the
conductor came on board, one of the engineers left the bathroom, knocked on the other bathroom, and said "ticket please."

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away
and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains," I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you
$5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50!" Now, that got the Engineer's
attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5. Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks
the Programmer,"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer
and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep. The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his
wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.

[Jimmy Snyder]

HOW PEOPLE FROM DIFFERENT PROFESSIONS PROVE THAT EVERY ODD INTEGER BIGGER THAN 0 IS PRIME:

Mathematician: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, and by induction - every odd integer higher than 2 is a prime.
Physicist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is a prime, ...
Engineer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime, 11 is a prime, ...
Programmer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 7 is a prime, ...
Salesperson: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- we'll do for you the best we can, ...
Computer Software Salesperson: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 will be prime in the next release, ...
Biologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- results have not arrived yet, ...
Advertiser: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 11 is a prime, ...
Lawyer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- there is not enough evidence to prove that it is not a prime, ...
Accountant: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, deducing 10% tax and 5% other obligations.
Statistician: Let's try several randomly chosen numbers -- 17 is a prime, 23 is a prime, 11 is a prime ...
Professor: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, and the rest are left as an exercise for the student.
Computational linguist: 3 is an odd prime, 5 is an odd prime, 7 is an odd prime, 9 is a very odd prime, ...
Psychologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime but tries to suppress it, ...
Bigot: 3 is a prime, all odd numbers are prime.
Theologean: All odd numbers are prime.
Liberal: Don't say odd, say even-challenged.

[Ryan_m_b]

So a guy walks into a bar and asks for some H2O. Immediately, all the girls swoon over him, praising his obviously vast intellect. The bartender even gives him free water on the house!Another guy sees the immense praise the guy is getting, and goes to do the same. He goes up to the bartender and swelling with confidence, asks the bartender,"Can I have some H2O too, please?"


He dies.

[RomMath]

this one is more of a wordplay than a joke, but I hope someone would still enjoy it!

http://i1224.photobucket.com/albums/ee378/xkcdi/Quantum_Emotion.png (http://romancemath.blogspot.com)

... even Einstein said that it's "spooky action at a distance"... don't you dare superposition me!

[Redbelly98]

"We don't allow faster than light neutrinos in here", said the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.

[QuarkCharmer]

"We don't allow faster than light neutrinos in here", said the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.

lol, nice.

[DaveC426913]

"We don't allow faster than light neutrinos in here", said the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.

:D

going to steal that.

[Ivan Seeking]

"We don't allow faster than light neutrinos in here", said the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.

FTL neutrinos don't have legs yet.

[in-a-box]

http://scienceblogs.com/sciencepunk/ferrous_wheel.jpg

[Borek]

The perfect contraceptive:

http://www.bpp.com.pl/IMG/NO_in_all_positions.png

NO in all positions.

[IsaacKnewton]

http://img263.imageshack.us/img263/2048/physicsfail1.png (http://img263.imageshack.us/i/physicsfail1.png/)

Bigger Joke:

"Everything made itself out of nothing. No, really!"

[Jimmy Snyder]

Not really a science joke but a logic joke.

Sign on an esculator:- "Dogs must be carried".

Smeone with IQ 140+ thinks "What if you haven't got a dog"?
Sign in a library: Children under 12 are not permitted to read any of the materials in this library.

[jobyts]

Ohm's law explained...

[Femme_physics]

What's a transistite?

A transistor that can't tell whether it's NPN or PNP

[Jimmy Snyder]

Complementarity (with thanks to Loren Booda)

Displacement: I must say, Momentum, you are looking particularly fine today.
Momentum: No, my hair is a mess, but you, Displacement, you look marvelous.
Energy: I can't say that I'm impressed with the way you look Momentum, but Time is easy on the eyes.
Time: Oh, Energy, you always say the nicest things.

[NafeesR]

For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers. The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light.

First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room. So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker.

A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range. There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again. Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle.

Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker.

Source: The Dark Sucker Theory page (http://home.netcom.com/~rogermw/darksucker.html)
Trolololo

[mathwonk]

i like that one.

[thirdstringki]

Happy Funtime Wormhole...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qUSH-kK8g-U

[Evo]

Happy Funtime Wormhole...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qUSH-kK8g-UGood one..LOL.

[lighting]

Is Isaac Newton lucky in his career?
Yes, he didn't sit under the durian tree.

[phylotree]

Is Isaac Newton lucky is in career?
Yes, he didn't sit under the durian tree.

:biggrin::rofl:

[Infinitum]

The history of physics.

Newton: Even though you can tell if you are speeding up, you can't tell how fast you are going.
Maxwell: Yes you can.
Einstein: No you can't. You can't even tell if you are speeding up.
Heisenberg: Either you don't know where you are or you don't know where you're going.

Physics in a nutshell: The more you know about physics, the less you know about the world you live in.

Snagged this from here (http://physicsforums.com/showthread.php?t=604514)

:rofl:

[CornMuffin]

A mathematician was asked by his colleague: Do you believe in one God?
-Yes, up to isomorphism!


What is a compact city?
-It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted policemen.




and here's a math poem I found, written by Jon Saxton (an author of maths textbooks):

\frac{12 + 144 + 20 + 3 \sqrt{4}}{7} + (5)(11) = 9^2 + 0

Or for those who have trouble with the poem:

A Dozen, a Gross and a Score,
plus three times the square root of four,
divided by seven,
plus five times eleven,
equals nine squared and not a bit more.

[Jimmy Snyder]

A Higgs boson walks into a church. The priest says 'We don't allow Higgs bosons in here. You call yourself the G-d particle and that's sacrilegious". The Higgs boson replies "But if you don't allow Higgs bosons, how can you have mass?"