You'll never believe it, but physicists at the LHC have discovered the Higgs Boson! It has the expected properties, and many physicists say that this proves once and for all the Standard Model.
"This truly is a momentous discovery," Steven Chu, Secretary of Energy for the U.S. said. "Now our physicists can get to work on more important things, like a cheap alternative to gasoline."
President Obama, in jubilation, has declared March 31st "National Elementary Particles Day" and declared that schools and work will be henceforth closed on this day to honor the completion of Physics.
"The only problem," he said, "is that soon all of those physicists will be out of a job. I mean, physics is done now. Right?"
Steven Chu reminded Obama about the many remaining challenges in physics, and the President quickly fell silent.
In other news, physicists are wondering if light energy exists to counterbalance dark energy.
"Newton's Third Law says that for every action, you have an equal and opposite reaction. So there may be light energy out there too," renowned physicist Steven Hawking was heard to say in a private interview.