Ask a Stupid Quetion Get a Stupid Answer

AnTiFreeze3

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?!?! YOU'VE MANAGED TO KILL AN AWESOME CONVERSATION WITH ONE, GOD-FORSAKEN, OVERLY USED JOKE FROM A MEDIOCRE MOVIE!!!

Nevertheless, I can solve this using words:

If you divide by 8 and multiply it all by 'Q', then what you are left with is a typed out code, which says, "Ejsy od yjod [pergi; drvtryZ".

Now, using my minor detective skills that I picked up from reading several Hardy Boys books, I recognize that this "code" is merely a question that has been typed incorrectly. Each key has been typed one letter to the right of the standard hand placement.

Using this, the code now says, "What is this powerful secret?" Now, going back several posts, I see that this same question has been posted before. Seeing how it has appeared TWICE now, it must be important. So, I ask of you all:

What is this powerful secret?

zoobyshoe

This powerful secret is intellectual, restraint breaking, powerful, and secret. Therefore, I hesitate to blurt it out, but since you asked, it is this: part your hair on a different side every day.

Which brings us to the case of Nalponarke-X, A.K.A The Neoprene Boy, A.K.A. He of the Dark Scales, A.K.A The Thing With The Band Aid Eyebrows.

I last encountered him while trekking up a hiking trail on the discount side of last Tuesday. Cloaked in his Veil of Disparagement, he glared at me as we passed, as if daring me to pugilistically challenge him, and when I did not, he grabbed me by the arm and exclaimed, "Ha HA! YES! I see your point! Excellent. Maybe. Well, O.K. Well it could be worse. Well, it could be better." Pulling my arm free, I drew my Roman Gladius from its sheath and made to stab, not slash. He quickly countered with a flourish of his veil and with that evaporated from my sight leaving only a scattering of dark metallic scales tinkling on the gravelly path. Quoth I, "Quite the magic trick," and proceeded to the summit with no further interruptions.

How'd he do that?

Whovian

Here's my absolutely lame attempt at not using 42 as an answer.

You see, certain studies have shown that people whose names start with N can scan their immediate vicinity for photons and calculate the minimum velocity to move back to their house before getting hit by any of them, being able to escape without being seen. This is known as the Nathan Nugget Nab effect, after the person who discovered it.

It's quite a well-known fact that any and all photons emit Tachyons as the force carrier for the Eddy Arc Force. These people have particles in their skin which are Eddy Arc charged, allowng them to detect the Tachyons and locate the Photons.

But why have they evolved this?

zoobyshoe

Nathan Nugget Nab himself, ansered this quetion, himself, concommitant with his, himselves, discovery of the NNN effect. They evolved this for a good reason, he maintained, and he, himself, presented proof of a good reason: himself. That is: he offered himself as proof, himself as a good reason, himself as the name of the effect, and he, himself as an example of himself. In this fashion, the evolutionary puzzle was solved before it had been ansered, freeing me from ansering the quetion, having, instead, only to present the solution, the NNN Solution, to Evolution.

Was this solution really a contribution?

AnTiFreeze3

It led not to any major contributions in the study of the NNN effect, but merely was offered as proof that the NNN effect was in fact real and not the parlor games of mediocre magicians. Consequently, mediocre magicians throughout the world rebelled against this solution (many of them have names starting with N, and thus allowing them to disappear, possibly grab a rabbit or two, and return to the stage) claiming that it is rubbish, and to remember that "the hand is quicker than the eye".

Interestingly enough, this can be easily related to fish. As part of a long tradition, every nalponarke's first name is a slight variation of "nalponarke". All are unique, yet all start in "N". This results in names such as 'Nalpy', 'Nalpoon', and 'Narky'. Some idiot even named their kid 'Nathan', but hey, even that works.

Due to this effect, the nalponarkes, along with the ability to fly backwards and travel backwards in time, also possess the ability to seemingly teleport at will. This was observed, and ultimately confirmed through studying Nalpark Neopold Noonooney.


What is the relation between Nathan Nugget Nab and Nalpark Neopold Noonooney?

zoobyshoe

I'm shocked you would bring this up, but since you have I am powerless to withhold this embarrassing history:

It seems that, through a postal error, a love letter addressed to Nalpark N.N. ended up at the address of Nathan N.N. instead, who tore it open and read it. In this love letter many of Nalpark's, shall we say, amatory deviations from the norm, were mentioned by the lover, thus informing Nathan of too many private details of the other's life. Being mortified by this discovery of Nalpark's extreme and highly unusual tastes, Nathan was in a quandary. After much internal debate, he decided to destroy the letter and let Nalpark and his lover suppose it was lost in the mail. In the dead of night he crept down to the cellar and incinerated the damning missive in his furnace.

The next day, however, there was a knock at his door. He put on his William Shatner mask and fetched a knife from the kitchen, and answered it.

"Hello," said the nalponarke now confronting him, "My name is Nalpark Neopold Noonooney, and I think the mailman may have inadvertently delivered a letter for me to this address."

"That's utterly rediculus," Nathan replied, so nervous he couldn't spell properly.

"Well, I hate to bother you, but he actually outright told me he delivered a letter for me to this address."

"He did NOT! That's inpossabull! Why would a mailman do such a thing?"

"He hates me and does things like this to mess with my head. Long story, but it goes back to the time I sprayed him with the lawn hose."

"Well...well... I don't have any letter here for you!!" Nathan slammed the door, shaking with fear.

Nalpark, of course, knew. He sensed the truth. He knew who was behind the William Shatner mask. He knew the voice of Nathan Nugget Nab, his mailman.

Why, specifically, a William Shatner mask?

AnTiFreeze3

Oddly enough, unlike nearly everything else in Nathan Nugget Nab's life, it was left entirely to chance. Other than the fact that it was the most easily accessible celebrity look-a-like mask on hand, Nathan's subconscious may have always, deep down, wanted to be William Shatner.

Your revealing of this story does lead me to conclude something beyond the question asked: The NNN effect is not without consequences.

Exhibit A: Nathan Nugget Nab stills owns a furnace. Also, he not only owns, but seemingly prepares for the usage of, a William Shatner mask. Then, we need to examine his occupation as a mailman. He wishes to keep it a secret that he was mistakenly delivered Nalpark's letter (as apparent by burning it in the furnace), yet if he is the mailman, then he told Nalpark (albeit without the William Shatner disguise) of the postal error.

Exhibit B: Nalpark Neopold Noonooney's abnormal sexual behavior was only something that he became aware of after extensively manipulating photons to become invisible.


The rivalry between NNN and NNN is apparent. The hatred does not hide itself. The sexual tension is off the charts. Yet there is one thing that I cannot figure out:

How are neither of them aware that Nathan Nugget Nab and Nalpark Neopold Noonooney are the same person?

zoobyshoe

Because Nalpark's amusing lover, Nalparkia Nana Nebulimb, does not want Nathan to know that he and Nalpark are the same person. She does not want him showing up suddenly when she and Nalpark are in the middle of an interesting situation. He is boring. She has, therefore, not told either one they are the other one.

Thus far that has worked out, but she is sometimes made nervous when Nalpark starts humming;

"I am he
As you are he
As you are me
And we are all together"

whenever he notices Nathan is outside the house delivering their mail, as if, deep down, Nalpark suspects. Indeed, one day it sounded to Nalparkia as if Nalpark was mumbling:

"I am the mailman
They are the mailmen
I am the Walrus!"

but she couldn't be sure. It made her uneasy, how often he hummed that tune, and she used to try to throw him off by shouting, "MAN! YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THEM KICKING EDGAR ALLEN POE!" That usually shut Nalpark up, and he would stare at her in silence, wondering what the hell she was on about.

One day Nalpark said to Nalparkia, "Tell me love, why does our mailman live with us?"

"What the hell are you talking about? Our mailman doesn't live with us!"

"Oh."

"Why would you think such a thing?"

"Well, I ran into him last night. He was coming out of the loo as I went in to whizz."

"That wasn't the mailman, love, that was my other lover, Nihlsbin Norad Neez. And why are you calling the bathroom the 'loo' again? You're not British."

"Sorry. I forgot."

Why can Nalpark never remember he's not British?

AnTiFreeze3

Nalpark/Nathan, after recently being fired from his prestigious mailman job, had been spending all of his waking hours watching reruns of Dr. Who. Incidentally, Nalthan (the intermediate, unbiased void consisting of equal parts Nathan and Nalpark) tends to mold his personality to that of the peers around him, which fortuitously tends to be characters from television, movies, the internet, or animals in his backyard that he talks to on occasion.

This explains the William Shatner mask, along with Nalpark's infamous bout where he ran through the streets wholly convinced that he was a transvestite (Nalthan has sketchy internet search habits).

Nalpark's memory, apart from periods of brief sanity, tends to only remember his own actions and occurrences, not those of Nathan. Despite this, Nalthan's memories often leak into both Nalpark's and Nathan's conscience from time to time, causing them to both speak in horrible, horrendously horrid British accents, without knowing that they are not in fact British, but actually German, with a slight Polish background.

Nalparkia, who over the years has become fully aware of Nathan/Nalpark/Nalthan's obvious schizophrenia, is torn as to which personality she fell in love with.

Nathan is quiet, mysterious, intriguing, and his British accent is slightly better than Nalpark's.

Nalpark is fun, wild, and reminds Nalparkia of her zany days back in Flying Fish Academy where she didn't have a care in the world. Those were times where she truly felt free and able to express herself.

Nalthan, while admittedly a borderline pedophile (he doesn't clear his history, and the birth dates of some of those transvestites get awfully close to being seventeen), is the most compassionate of the three personalities, and tends to be more up for social gatherings, which Nalparkia appreciates.

Nalparkia, after peer-editing this post for me, was able to come to a definitive conclusion. Unfortunately, she doesn't have the fish-heart to break it to either of the two left over personalities with whom she just isn't quite compatible with.




Who is Nalparkia's true love?

Whovian

Good for him/them!

It's none of them. Her true love is her perpetual motion machine she built for herself, supplying her with unlimited energy. She then plugs herself into it with the plug on her back (long story how she got there,) and never has to sleep, also allowing her to optimize it for greater efficiency while Nathan/Nalpark/Nalthan is sleeping, or perhaps make it require no coal for fuel. She calls it a perpetual motion machine purely for flattery-based reasons.

But I digress. Perpetual happens not to share the same abilities enjoyed by Nathan/Nalpark/Nalthan, as Perpetual doesn't start with N. So why didn't Nalparkia name it the Nerpetual motion machine?

AnTiFreeze3

Nalparkia knows, as well as you and I, that a name beginning with the letter "N" for her beloved machine would mean certain death for it. I shall explain.

You see, Nalparkia is all too aware of the Yippers. Who are the yippers, you ask? Firstly, get out of my bedroom, I'm half naked. Secondly, I'll answer your question. You see, the NNN effect cannot go without consequences. Many of its avid users were morally corrupted individuals with no sense of sorrow or empathy, and in some minor cases... smell. In an attempt to stop the evil exploitation of the NNN effect, which was usually in the form of teleporting into bridal showers in which the N-lettered-named-person wasn't invited to, a band of law-abiding citizens banded together in the form of a band. This band eventually adopted the name The Yippers.

Some say the name originated from the distinctive "yelp" that their foes give out before being vanquished. Contrary to this belief, the generally accepted theory is that the Yipper leader carries a puppy around in his hand-bag that yips all the time, and the name was jokingly given to them by bikers hanging out at a local diner.


Anyways, the Yippers became corrupted as well. Nobody knows why, except for me, but I'm not telling. Their corruption led them to not only kill the evil abusers of the NNN effect, but all users of the NNN effect. Thus, were Nalparkia to change the name of her (sex?) machine, then the Yippers would have surely slaughtered it before nightfall.



My questions is this: How did corruption seep its sticky, sadistic fingers into the tender eye sockets of the organization known as the Yippers?

zoobyshoe

The anser to this reading comprehension pop quiz is: no one knows why except for you and you're not telling.

Regardless, the astute might suspect the origin of their corruption was pride, due to the well known incident when, after the band was awarded their 20 platinum album, their leader quipped,"We're getting to be more popular than Alfred Einstein!"

Their adoring public was shocked by this boast. No one could believe The Yippers had the gall to compare themselves to the author of that earth-shaking 1905 paper, On the Electrodynamics of Nocturnally Roving Herds of Weird, Purple Jellyfish, the paper that launched Jellativity, and Jelliphysics in general. (see post 996 [and following] of this thread) Alfred Einstein just could not be compared to, much less exceeded. He was the limit of popularity, beyond which nothing can go. Yet, here these upstart Yippers were claiming usurpation, claiming to have broken the Alfred barrier.

Of course they were thereafter vilified, and sank into licking cane toads, beard growing, and their lyrics became stranger and weirder until they fell apart and disbanded. 10 years later, Zipper Yipper, the leader who made the fateful quip, was beaten to death with a weird, purple jellyfish outside his Manhattan apartment building by a deranged fan who thought he, himself, was the real Zipper Yipper and that the real one was an imposter running around impertinently imposting him with impunity.

Which brings us to the entertaining quetion, "What's your favorite alliteration of words beginning in 'imp'?"

ianpaul12345

i have a question, can time be bent? by any means on any scale, ?

Borg

You have to answer the previous question before you can ask a question.

Jimmy Snyder

To an impaneled group of impartial observers, the implicit impact of these imperialistic imps impugning the impecunious Alfred E. Einstein's imperfections with improper impunity imparts no implications. Did it impair. imperil, or impede his ability to implicate electrodynamics into his impossible schemes concerning imponderable matters? It is imperative that I grow impatient at the impasse this implies even as I grow impeachable impatiens in my impeccable garden. I implore them to stop these impersonal attacks which are no more important, or imperishable than all their other impermeable impossibilities or I will implode. It is an impermissible impertinence for them to do an impromptu impersonation of the imperturbable Einstein who is impervious to such impetuous impulsive impieties without impetus. He suffers their implacable implausibilities while impetigo impinges impaling him with pain and implying the implementation of an implant. I importune these impertinent, impolite, and impolitic impostors to impose self control on their impotent and impractical plans or I will imprint my foot on their impoverished butts, improving them and then imprecate their improbable imprecision. The impure position of these impresarios is not impregnable and does not impress me at all. It imputes that not only will I imprison them, I will be impelled to improvise a way to impound their imprudent impala as well.

Borg

Impeccably impressive but, could we imposition you to impart a Quetion?
I don't mean to imply imprecision or be seen as an impish imposter - I only implore an important, impowering improvement that will remove this imponderable impass.

Jimmy Snyder

Can time be bent by any means on any scale?