How to Properly Use a Taser: A Cautionary Tale

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In summary: Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?In summary, the taser does not work as advertised. The one-second burst will shock and disorient the assailant, but a longer burst is wasted the batteries.
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Ivan Seeking
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From an email recieved...

Men and Tasers Classic...don't tell me you can read this without laughing...

(Only a guy would do this!) A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this :

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.

Awesome! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit

I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my! reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser,that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
 
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  • #2
Awesome .
 
  • #3
I can't believe these things are available to the public. What a gift to muggers! They don't even have to say "stick 'em up!" Just give a poor victim a three-second burst, take everything they got, and they never used a "lethal weapon."
 
  • #4
Ivan Seeking said:
From an email recieved...

Men and Tasers Classic . . .

So, I'm sitting there alone, . . . . I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!

. . . .

SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
:smile: :smile: :smile: You found tribdog! :biggrin:
 
  • #5
Astronuc said:
:smile: :smile: :smile: You found tribdog! :biggrin:

:smile: I wondered where he wandered off to this time. :smile:
 

Related to How to Properly Use a Taser: A Cautionary Tale

1. Can I test a taser on myself?

No, it is highly dangerous to test a taser on yourself. Tasers are designed to incapacitate a person by delivering an electric shock, and this can cause serious injury or even death. It is important to always follow proper safety protocols when handling a taser.

2. Is it safe to test a taser on someone else?

No, it is not safe to test a taser on anyone, even with their consent. Tasers are designed to be used as a last resort in self-defense situations, and should only be used by trained professionals. Testing a taser on someone else can cause serious injury and legal consequences.

3. Can I test a taser on an animal?

No, it is never acceptable to test a taser on an animal. Not only is it inhumane, but it can also cause serious harm to the animal. Tasers are not designed for use on animals and should only be used in self-defense situations.

4. Can I test a taser on an object?

No, testing a taser on an object is not a reliable way to determine its effectiveness. Tasers are designed to be used on the human body and their effectiveness can vary depending on the person's size, clothing, and other factors. It is important to follow proper safety protocols and guidelines when testing a taser.

5. Can I test a taser without proper training?

No, it is never safe to test a taser without proper training. Tasers are weapons that require specific knowledge and skills to handle safely. Testing a taser without proper training can result in serious injury or even death. It is important to seek professional training before handling a taser.

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