Can Saying Fish Instead of Cheese Make Kids Healthier?

[Ivan Seeking]

Today, the Obama administration revealed that in order to secure the release of the two captured US journalists, Laura Ling and Euna Lee, the US did make a secret deal with the defacto Korean leader, Kim Jung Il. In exchange for the hostages, the Obama administration agreed to provide Jung Il with twenty pairs of Hillary Clinton's pant suits.

"I think they look very nice", said Jung Il.

- The Turnip

http://www.usinkorea.org/North_Korea/videos/refugee_tale_north_korea/kim-jong-il-2.jpg

 

[turbo]

Aug 10, 2009 TR

Newt Gingrich and Sarah Palin announced the formation of an exploratory committee with the intention of campaigning for the Presidency and Vice-presidency in 2012. As yet, there has been no decision made about who will be on top. A spokesperson for the duo said "Sarah and Newt want to bring honesty and Christian US values back to the White House. Their first priority upon being sworn in is to dismantle Obama's Death Panels."

 

[BobG]

London UK, TR Sunday June 1th, 2008

Following the masive chaos on the London streets this morning British Prime Minister Gordon Brown has declared the city as disaster area. Although there no reported casualities yet (I'm mild) there are hundred thousend of wounded. Most necesary medical help for all the traffic victims is provided by medievac helicopter, augmented by helicopters of the Royal Army and the Royal Air Force. meanwhile national agencies started to investigate the cause of the sudden traffic chaos. It seemed that a lot of cabs were driving on the wrong lane.

Rumours suggest that the plan of Londons major Boris Johnson, about which we reported last month, about transiting slowly to driving right could be associated with the problems. The major however could not be reached to comment on that.

Samoa is first nation in decades to switch traffic from one side to the other. I think yet another Turnip Report could come true. One problem with switching sides for traffic flow is all of the doors for public buses will suddenly be on the wrong side of the bus.

 

[Borek]

September 4th, 2009, from our Warsaw correspondent.

In an attempt to speed up transport during rush hours, Warsaw metro decided to run express trains that will stop only on every second station.

"Trains spend about half of the time on stations, waiting for passengers to load and unload, passing every second station we hope to speed up the travel" said Warsaw Metro spokesperson during a press conference held at the Plac Defilad station. "To make the system just there will be separate green and blue trains, stopping on odd and even stations, as well as old red trains, stopping everywhere."

The Warsaw Metro is one of Europe's newest metro systems and Poland's first and the only one so far. It consists of a single north-south line linking central Warsaw with its densely populated northern and southern suburbs.

 

[Moonbear]

Sept. 4, 2009 TR

Erratum:
In an article on May 11, 2008 describing events surrounding the death of Fluffy the Turtle, the Turnip Report incorrectly stated that Fluffy was thought to have turned over a new leaf. It was later determined that Fluffy had turned over a lettuce leaf. The Turnip Report remains committed to factual reporting and apologizes for this error.

 

[Sorry!]

Hahahahaha some of this stuff is actually so freaking funny no joke. Good stuff guys.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

McDonalds announced today that it’s joining the effort to reduce global warming while helping its customers stay fit. It has long been known that most vegetable and animals fats can be converted for use as a fuel. According to the company spokesman, Bob Tub, McDonalds has been recycling cooking oil for use as biodiesel in its truck fleet for over five years now. But today, after a ground-breaking seven-year study, the revolutionary new alternative fuel known as Lipo-Diesel was introduced, with distribution to retail fuel stations expected this fall. “The energy stored in the extra 6 to 10 billion pounds of fat carried by Happy Meal Americans had never been recognized”, said Tub. McDonalds intends to recycle this fat for use as a fuel by offering customers one free liposuction treatment for every one-thousand meals purchased. Said Tub, it’s a win-win-win. Our customers are healthier, the planet gets cooler, and we sell Macs by the boatload!

- The Turnip Report

 

[turbo]

Inventor "Noise" Shotmad has devised a process of transferring accurate audio signals onto DVDs and CDs in a manner that makes the reproduced music sound warm and present without being clinical or harsh. The new method uses two or more microphones, a mixing board, an amplifier to boost the audio signal, and a lathe to mechanically encode the signal onto the polished surface of the aforementioned digital media. The equipment for playback in home environments is in development currently, though roll-out is still quite far off, restricting this new technology to niche settings. Shotmad is enthused, but a bit restrained, saying only "I can envision my invention powering banks of analog-reproduction machines." He hinted darkly that limitations in the production of high-quality polycarbonate resins might limit the full expression of this revolutionary technology. I could get no more of his time, which is a loss to audiophiles everywhere. "Magic Ears" out.

- The Turnip Report