Guys need to do almost nothing to be great

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An Excerpt from Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? by Mindy Kaling

guys need to do almost nothing to be great

Being a Guy is so easy. A little Kiehl’s a little Bumble and Bumble, a peacoat, a pair of Chuck Taylors, and you’re hot. Here’s my incredibly presumptuous guide to being an awesome guy, inside and out (mostly out, for who am I to instruct you on inner improvement?). (Let me say here that if you’re some kind of iconoclastic dude who goes by the beat of your own drummer, you will find this insufferable. I totally respect that. I would never want you to stop wearing your skinny jeans and straw hat. I mean it!)

1. Buy a well-fitting peacoat from J.Crew. Or wait until Christmas sales are raging and buy a designer one, like Varvatos or something. Black looks good on everyone (Obvious Cops) and matches everything (Duh Police), but charcoal gray is good too. You can always look like a put-together Obama speech-writer with a classy peacoat. Oh! and get it cleaned once a year. Sounds prissy, but a good cleaning can return a peacoat to its true black luster, and make you look as snappy as the first day you wore it.

2. Have a signature drink like James Bond. it’s silly, but I’m always so impressed if a guy has a cool go-to drink. Obviously, if it has a ton of fancy ingredients like puréed berries or whatever, you can look a little bit like a high-maintenance weirdo, so don’t do that. If you like scotch, have a favorite brand. it makes you look all actualized and grown-up. (You don’t have to say your drink order with the theatrical panache of James Bond. That’s for close-ups.)

3. Own several pairs of dark wash straight-leg jeans. Don’t get bootcut, don’t get skinny, just a nice pair of levis without any embellishments on the pockets. No embellishments anywhere. At all. Nothing. Oh my god.

4. Wait until all the women have gotten on or off an elevator before you get on or off. Look, I’m not some chivalry nut or anything, but this small act of politeness is very visual and memorable.

5. When you think a girl looks pretty, say it, but don’t reference the thing that might reveal you are aware of the backstage process. e.g., say, “You look gorgeous tonight,” not “I like how you did your makeup tonight.” Also, a compliment means less if you compliment the thing and not the way the girl is carrying it off. so, say, “You look so sexy in those boots,” rather than “Those boots are really cool.” I didn’t make the boots! I don’t care if you like the boots’ design! We are magic to you: You have no idea how we got to look as good as we do.

6. Avoid asking if someone needs help in a kitchen or at a party, just start helping. Same goes with dishes. (Actually, if you don’t
want to help, you should ask them if they need help. No self respecting host or hostess will say yes to this question.)

7. Have one great cologne that’s not from the drugstore. Just one. Wear very little of it, all the time. I cannot tell you how sexy it is to be enveloped in a hug by a man whose smell you remember. Then anytime I smell that cologne, I think of you. Way to invade my psyche, guy! Shivers-down-spine central!

8. Your girlfriend’s sibling or parents might be totally nuts but always defend them. Always. all a girl wants to do is to get along with her family, and if you are on the side of making it easy, you will be loved eternally. It might be easier to condemn them— after all, she’s doing that already—but, honestly, even if they are serial murderers, there is nothing more traumatic than hearing your boyfriend trash your family.

9. Kiehl’s for your skin, Bumble and Bumble for your hair. Maybe a comb. That is all you need. and when girls look in your medicine cabinet (which they will obviously do within the first five minutes of them coming to your place), you look all classily self-restrained because you only have two beauty products. You’re basically a cowboy.

10. I really think guys only need two pairs of shoes. a nice pair of black shoes and a pair of Chuck Taylors. The key, of course, is that you need to replace your Chuck Taylors every single year. You cannot be lax about this. Those shoes start to stink like hell. They cost $40. You can afford a new pair every year.

11. Bring wine or chocolate to everything. People love when guys do that. not just because of the gift, but because it is endearing to imagine you standing in line at Trader Joe’s before the party.

12. Get a little jealous now and again, even if you’re not, strictly, a jealous guy. Too much and it’s creepy and horrible, but a possessive hand on her back at a party when your girlfriend looks super hot is awesome.
I tried to follow it but miserably failed :cry:
 
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Answers and Replies

  • #2
256bits
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If I put a hand on "her" back at a party, my super hot possessive girlfriend would dis-own me in an instant ( if she ever saw me do it ).
 
  • #3
DoggerDan
Interesting list. :)
 
  • #4
222
11
I've always liked the peacoat look.
 
  • #5
13. Concentrate most compliments to those times when she is expecting them (when she dresses up nice) and compliment rarely when she is not expecting it.


I had the wonderful feeling one day of having a girlfriend tell me that some other guy had told her she was beautiful and it had made her day. I would tell her she was beautiful all the time, especially when her hair was messy and she didn't have make up on (I really liked that though), and she would just roll her eyes at me.
 
  • #6
847
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I had the wonderful feeling one day of having a girlfriend tell me that some other guy had told her she was beautiful and it had made her day. I would tell her she was beautiful all the time, especially when her hair was messy and she didn't have make up on (I really liked that though), and she would just roll her eyes at me.
It's almost like they don't believe you! I rarely compliment anyone though...
 
  • #7
FlexGunship
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Ugh, I have too may shoes, then!

Black dress shoes
Brown dress shoes
Black oxfords (never wear them)
Steel toed shoes
Sneakers
Puma driving shoes
Slippers

But I do have my cool go-to drink: "anything with alcohol, bartender..." or "a can of your finest Pabst Blue Ribbon, please."
 
  • #8
Astronuc
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An Excerpt from Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? by Mindy Kaling
No thanks.

I would help in the kitchen or just help out as I've done in the past. In fact, that's more or less how I spent time with the woman became my wife. We both helped at gatherings at our friends place. It was a nice opportunity to talk about various subjects and getting to know each other.
 
  • #9
FlexGunship
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I would help in the kitchen or just help out as I've done in the past.
As a guy, I find that the most reliable way for me to get a repeat invite to a party is to stay the f**k out of the kitchen.

Although, I'll happily aid anyone making a home repair, debugging an electrical problem, fixing an appliance, or chopping wood.
 
  • #10
turbo
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Flex, you need to find your strengths. Even though I could cook circles around my mother-in-law ~35+ years ago, she wanted me out of her kitchen until she needed someone to split those rock-hard Hubbard squashes and to hoist those huge turkeys out of the roasting pan. Get in, git 'er done, and get out and stay out of the way. Women always think that their kitchens are "too small" so help when asked and hover on the sidelines when you can.

My kitchen is 'way too small. My wife and I can't function there together because we both have our own patterns and we clash, getting in each other's way. I'd probably have trouble as a chef because I'd want all the kitchen and tools to myself.
 
  • #11
FlexGunship
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Flex, you need to find your strengths.
I burnt spaghetti once which I'm told is not a common feat. How can I turn that into a strength? What about my innate ability to forget that there's something cooking? Or my willingness to solve any flavor problem with salt and hot sauce?

Opening jars, crushing hard-to-crush things, and carrying groceries are about my limits in the kitchen. Pretty good with a bottle opener, too, actually.
 
  • #12
turbo
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I solve lots of "problems" with hot sauce (and perhaps a bit of salt) because I love hot sauce. Opening jars, using a can-opener, and other utilitarian time-savers for the cook might be welcome, if you can stay out of their way. I'll bet that with a bit of training you can learn how to peel potatoes and carrots, too. I don't know a single cook that prefers to do those mundane tasks when they could be tending to making that *perfect* meal.

If you're invited to your GF's parents' for a holiday meal, and you ask if you can peel potatoes, carrots, etc, you will be a KEEPER. No fooling. If you plant your butt in front of the TV watching team sports (even if her father is doing the same) you will not get the KEEPER tag.
 
  • #13
FlexGunship
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If you're invited to your GF's parents' for a holiday meal, and you ask if you can peel potatoes, carrots, etc, you will be a KEEPER. No fooling. If you plant your butt in front of the TV watching team sports (even if her father is doing the same) you will not get the KEEPER tag.
Good to know.

I tried to peel a potato once. I saw a YouTube video of how you can do it with just a knife and ice water. I spent a while convincing my girlfriend (at the time) to let me peel the potatoes this way... it didn't work... at all. Then when I just took the knife to peel it she kept telling me I was either being too meticulous and taking too long or that I was losing too much potato with each knife stroke.

Carrots... hmm... I bet I could peel a carrot.

I like bring helpful, it's something my parents instilled in me when I was young... but they also instilled some serious gender-role stuff too. I impulsively shovel driveways and scrape cars in the winter. I change lightbulbs. I reset breakers. I start fires. I fix appliances. I mow the lawn. I rake leaves. I can grill like a beast (meat mostly, although corn, squash, and zucchini are within my abilities). I do regular vehicle maintenance. And I've always felt responsible for finances (in serious relationships).
 
  • #14
wolram
Gold Member
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It sounds like i have no chance of pulling a bird, i only have my wellies or trainers, mind you with a bit of polish i can get my wellies gleaming.
I do have a black suit but the jacket arms are to small, i look like a penguin when i were it, i usually were jeans and my leather jacket to parties.
I do not need a comb i have a no 1 haircut once a year, people do not notice my bald patch so much.
I do have my favorite after shave, i all ways use old spice.
and i all ways stick to drinking rum and coke in a pint glass shaken not stir ed.
 
  • #15
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Call her babe. It's rare these days because of women's lib. That's exactly why she'll crumble.
 
  • #16
turbo
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Call her babe. It's rare these days because of women's lib. That's exactly why she'll crumble.
But Babe is a runt piglet. Sure, she can herd sheep, but she's still a pig.

That'll do, pig.
 
  • #17
FlexGunship
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Call her babe. It's rare these days because of women's lib. That's exactly why she'll crumble.
I like calling my girlfriend "baby girl." And she enjoys "baby." That's among the million other things I call her... I invent new ones whenever possible. Sometimes they go over well, sometimes they don't! Try to guess which of the following names are NOT popular with her.
  • <her name>kins
  • <her name>darling
  • <her name>girl
  • Princess
  • Pretty pretty princess
  • Princess pretty bum
  • Baroness von Derriere
  • Duchess <her full name including middle> The First
  • Sleeping beauty (she sleeps in on the weekends... and some weekdays :rolleyes:)
  • Baby
  • Baby girl
  • Babe'ums
  • Cute stuff
  • Cutie
  • Cuddle bunny
  • Snugglesaurus Rex
  • Solar-powered giggle-tron (because she's in such a good mood when it's sunny and warm out)
  • Angel
  • Angel bottom
  • Hun
  • Pumpkin
  • Cupcake
  • Cookie
  • Muffin
  • Internet (because she knows how much I love the internet)

Ultimately, most things end up being about her, uh, rear end... or food. When I [very rarely] sing to her, I put her name in the song randomly. She has a two-syllable easy-to-rhyme name which really helps.

She's a very self-empowered individual with a good career and she loves it when I tell her what a good little housewife she'll be.
 
  • #18
Pythagorean
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Mush overload. I'm melting.
 
  • #19
Pythagorean
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Like a witch, damn it, not a quivering lass.
 
  • #20
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I would not wear Chuck Taylors even if it meant no more sex.Pea-coats give me a break .Chuck Taylors and Pea-coats :rofl:.These lists are ridiculous. They are always made by some women that thinks that her ideal man is that of every other women.
 
  • #21
FlexGunship
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I would not wear Chuck Taylors even if it meant no more sex.
Yeah... me neither... :uhh:
 
  • #22
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I like calling my girlfriend .... .
Did you call her "Pixel" too? :uhh:
 
  • #23
918
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I would not wear Chuck Taylors even if it meant no more sex.
Can I borrow your Chuck Taylors?
 
  • #24
FlexGunship
Gold Member
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Did you call her "Pixel" too? :uhh:
...weird...

(Pixel is my cat, btw.)
 
  • #25
1,033
1
If you're going to wear a pea coat then why not throw on some casual dress shoes and some khakis or something. Since when are women over 20 into guys that wear chucks almost exclusively?

casual dress shoes sounds pretty oxymoronic to me...Oh well, I'll stand by it
 

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