My friend thinks I'm arguing when I explain my opinion, I wonder why?

In summary, the conversation revolves around a person's friend getting upset when they try to console them by pointing out positive aspects of their appearance. It is suggested that the friend may have a deep-seated belief about themselves, and that when consoling a friend, it is important to consider whether they want solutions or consolation.
  • #1
Ertiyu
So I have a friend who thinks I'm arguing whenever I state my opinion and explain my opinion. For example, he said he was ugly and I was telling him that he's not ugly and that people are beautiful in their own ways, he disagreed, so then I also pointed out some of his features that are really pretty and shows that he's not ugly in any way. But he got upset. And I'm wondering why? Why did he get upset? I thought I was trying to make him feel better, you know, boost his self esteem or something but I guess it didn't work? Was it the way I said it?
 
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  • #2
Ertiyu said:
I'm arguing whenever I state my opinion and explain my opinion
So do I, I guess. There are two principal ways to come to a conclusion: by adding positive arguments one after the other, or indirectly by contradictions. The latter is a bit of a mathematical disease. You constantly ask "what of not".

However, I think what is more important is, that people feel differently when confronted with a statement. Introverts might read it as an offense, extroverts as an invitation to counter.
 
  • #4
"Why, you're not half as ugly as people say!"
 
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  • #5
Ertiyu said:
So I have a friend who thinks I'm arguing whenever I state my opinion and explain my opinion. For example, he said he was ugly and I was telling him that he's not ugly and that people are beautiful in their own ways, he disagreed, so then I also pointed out some of his features that are really pretty and shows that he's not ugly in any way. But he got upset. And I'm wondering why? Why did he get upset? I thought I was trying to make him feel better, you know, boost his self esteem or something but I guess it didn't work? Was it the way I said it?
He may feel you were being condescending; just looking for ways to make him feel better and not being sincere.

He may have just been feeling sorry for himself and there was nothing you could say or do at the time that would help. In that event it may be better to wait until he feels better. Sometimes we just need time to process certain feelings and nothing can change that.
 
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  • #6
Ertiyu said:
So I have a friend who thinks I'm arguing whenever I state my opinion and explain my opinion. For example, he said he was ugly and I was telling him that he's not ugly and that people are beautiful in their own ways, he disagreed, so then I also pointed out some of his features that are really pretty and shows that he's not ugly in any way. But he got upset. And I'm wondering why? Why did he get upset? I thought I was trying to make him feel better, you know, boost his self esteem or something but I guess it didn't work? Was it the way I said it?
It's difficult to evaluate such things over the internet. But I think @Ivan Seeking gave a couple of good possible reasons above.

I could add that another possibility is that it may be a deep-seated belief that he has of himself. And he could have got upset that you don't understand that problem. And/or maybe he doesn't understand it himself. I don't know, it's just one possibility.

Edit: He could also have become angry because you are challenging his belief.
 
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  • #7
Vanadium 50 said:
"Why, you're not half as ugly as people say!"

And I am not as paranoid as everyone thinks I am.

.
 
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  • #8
Ertiyu said:
I thought I was trying to make him feel better, you know, boost his self esteem or something...
Rule zero when consoling a friend: (This one weird trick) will get you very far in life:

Ask yourself: What does this friend want - solutions or consolation?

Most people when they're complaining about their lives do not want to hear that their complaints are invalid. They don't want to be corrected.

They want to be consoled. They want to be heard and have their feelings felt. What they want to hear is: "That sucks! That should not happen to you! Screw that guy/thing!"(Later, when they feel better, they'll be more receptive to logic. But never try logic at the height of what is actually an emotional outburst.)
 
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  • #9
Ertiyu said:
So I have a friend who thinks I'm arguing whenever I state my opinion and explain my opinion.
I have no idea about your particular situation but I do know that there are people who see almost everything as "argumentative". Do you have the same problem with other people? Does your friend find other people to be "argumentative" when you think they are not being? It's one possibility that the issue is entirely w/ your friend and has nothing to do with you or the particular conversation. Again, I have no idea whether or not this is applicable to your situation.
 
  • #10
phinds said:
...there are people who see almost everything as "argumentative".
See above.

Men tend toward problem-solving and solution-finding. This is exactly the opposite of what someone who is feeling upset or sorry for themselves needs. The trick is to "tend and befriend".
 
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  • #11
DaveC426913 said:
Rule zero when consoling a friend: (This one weird trick) will get you very far in life:

Ask yourself: What does this friend want - solutions or consolation?

Most people when they're complaining about their lives do not want to hear that their complaints are invalid. They don't want to be corrected.

They want to be consoled. They want to be heard and have their feelings felt. What they want to hear is: "That sucks! That should not happen to you! Screw that guy/thing!"(Later, when they feel better, they'll be more receptive to logic. But never try logic at the height of what is actually an emotional outburst.)
There is a lot of truth in that, in my experience.
 
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  • #12
DaveC426913 said:
Men tend toward problem-solving and solution-finding.
It's not "men" exactly, it's "type A" (mostly, but not exclusively, men) who want information and "type B" (mostly, but not exclusively, women) who want discussion.
 
  • #13
Ertiyu said:
So I have a friend who thinks I'm arguing whenever I state my opinion and explain my opinion. For example, he said he was ugly and I was telling him that he's not ugly and that people are beautiful in their own ways, he disagreed, so then I also pointed out some of his features that are really pretty and shows that he's not ugly in any way. But he got upset. And I'm wondering why? Why did he get upset? I thought I was trying to make him feel better, you know, boost his self esteem or something but I guess it didn't work? Was it the way I said it?
Without knowing details of the discussion, i.e., not being a witness between one and one's friend, it is impossible to assess one's friend's response, or his frame of mind. Ostensibly, one was positive in one's comments, yet there could be others who have been negative to one's friend. Then one's positive comments conflicts with the negative comments or behaviors of others.

One's friend could be experiencing body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), a mental health challenge, or perhaps just some insecurity about his appearance. If one has BDD, one may be so upset about the appearance of one's body that it gets in the way of one's ability to live normally. Some have what they think are flaws in their appearance. But if one has BDD, one's reaction to perceived “flaw(s)” may become overwhelming. One may find that negative thoughts about one's body are hard to control. One may even spend hours each day worrying about one's appearance.
https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/body-dysmorphic-disorder

We are surrounded by media and other persons ('influencers') who provide examples of what some may consider 'beautiful' or 'glamorous', and some these examples become unrealistic (and arbitrary) standards.
 
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  • #14
Sometimes you just want to feel the way you feel. For instance, feeling unlucky and disadvantaged and beset upon by humanity for reasons not of your own making. Like the scene in A Christmas Story where Ralphie gets his mouth washed out with soap and fantasizes fondly about going blind and then explaining to his parents: "It was... soap poisoning".

If one's misfortunes in life are not the result of ugliness, the possibility arises that they might be one's own fault. But such a thought cannot be allowed to stand. It must be attacked!

Of course, this is not a rational response. But it is an emotional response that I can definitely empathize with.
 
  • #15
Ertiyu said:
So I have a friend who thinks I'm arguing whenever I state my opinion and explain my opinion. For example, he said he was ugly and I was telling him that he's not ugly and that people are beautiful in their own ways, he disagreed, so then I also pointed out some of his features that are really pretty and shows that he's not ugly in any way. But he got upset. And I'm wondering why? Why did he get upset? I thought I was trying to make him feel better, you know, boost his self esteem or something but I guess it didn't work? Was it the way I said it?
If he has a got a downer on how he looks right now there will not be much you can say without him flying off the handle, he is already sensitized.

Mid to late teens brings this out with a good dose of testosterone thrown in.
I would not mention it again unless he does and then you can point out that last time you offered an opinion, you were shot down.
Cold hard fact is facially, you look how you look and there is not much you can do about it.

You can always hit the gym with him and improve the parts of your body that can be improved.

Improve confidence this way and get fitter too.
 
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  • #16
Ertiyu said:
For example, he said he was ugly and I was telling him that he's not ugly and that people are beautiful in their own ways, he disagreed, so then I also pointed out some of his features that are really pretty and shows that he's not ugly in any way. But he got upset. And I'm wondering why?
Guess because those type of consoling words are usually said to... erm... girls with a bit less beauty. And their practical meaning is often understood as 'well, yes, you are right, but see, I'll still try to console you'.
For men what's needed is not beauty, but a 'redeeming quality'. If you has that then anything a bit less ugly than the devil will do.

Of course most of this is still just the good old thick BS, but next time try to go on that line and see whether he would feel a bit more macho than before o0)
 
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  • #17
Looks as if OP lost interest, so I'll close this thread for now.
Thanks for your participation.
 

FAQ: My friend thinks I'm arguing when I explain my opinion, I wonder why?

1. What might be causing my friend to think I'm arguing when I'm just explaining my opinion?

It is possible that your tone or body language may be perceived as confrontational or aggressive, even if you don't intend it to be. Your friend may also have a tendency to see differing opinions as arguments, rather than simply different perspectives.

2. How can I address this issue with my friend?

It's important to have an open and honest conversation with your friend about their perception. Ask them to explain why they feel like you are arguing and try to understand their perspective. Then, calmly explain your own intentions and how you would like to communicate in the future.

3. Is it possible that my friend is just misunderstanding my communication style?

Yes, it's possible that your friend may not fully understand your communication style or may misinterpret your words or actions. This could be due to differences in personality, upbringing, or cultural background. It's important to be patient and try to find a way to effectively communicate with your friend.

4. Could my friend be projecting their own insecurities onto me?

Sometimes, people may react defensively or perceive innocent actions as arguments due to their own insecurities. They may feel like they are being attacked or criticized, even if that is not your intention. It's important to listen to your friend and try to understand their perspective, but also to set boundaries and communicate your own feelings.

5. How can I avoid this issue in the future?

There are a few strategies you can use to avoid conflict with your friend in the future. First, try to be aware of your tone and body language when discussing your opinions. Make sure to use a calm and respectful tone and avoid aggressive or defensive body language. You can also try to rephrase your statements as questions, to promote open and productive discussion rather than argument. Lastly, actively listen to your friend's perspective and validate their feelings, even if you disagree.

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