Funny Story: Driving a Funeral Van for 25 Years

[Les Sleeth]

Sam has been in the advertising business for 25 years and is
finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres
of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees
the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of
almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone
knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded
Vermonter standing there.

"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge...
Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet
some local folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's going to be
some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... after 25 years in advertising I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna
be some fightin' too."

Damn, Sam thinks... tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people.
I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex
at these parties, too."

"Now that's really not a problem!" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear?

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just going to be the two of us."

 

[Stranger]

Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery

- Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
- "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
- There go the lights again...
- That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Two peanuts were walking through the Park, and one was a-salted.

"Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm a schiztophrenic,
and I am too!"

(Told by a guy named Crazy Larry)

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Cause seven-eight-nine!

(ya, I know, lame)

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

The H'Ohmbre from "Nantuckett"

There once was a man from Nantucket,

He'd had an Idea, (EUREKA!) He'd STRuck'IT!

Now he said,...with a Grin

As he dropped His line in _i

"I'll be fish'in (4 D'Fish) in D'is Bucket!

 

[Cartesio]

I missed you last night. I had to go to bed without you. I missed the feel of you on my body, I wanted you against me...

Where are you...stupid pyjamas?

But again, humour is relative.

 

[Stranger]

cars

what the names of cars stand for...

AUDI - Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
BMW - Brutal Money Waster
Break My Window
BUICK - Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
CHEVROLET - Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover
Engine Technology.
DODGE - Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
FIAT - Fix It All the Time
FORD - Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
GM - Great Mistake
GMC - Garage Man's Companion
HONDA - Had One Never Did Again
HYUNDAI - Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive
MAZDA - Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
OLDSMOBILE - Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind
Infuriatingly Late Everywhere
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's
Irregular Leftover Equipment
SAAB - Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
VOLVO - Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
VW - Virtually Worthless

 

[devil5_advocate]

A pirate with one leg cut off at the knee, a hook attached to one arm and an eye patch entered the tavern. The tavern owner, a long time friend greets his friend and asks how he got into such a sorry state.

"How'd you lose that leg?"

"Oh, an enemy pirate captain came at me with a halberd. He's history now, but he took off my leg at the knee."

"Then how'd you lose you right hand?"

"Oh, I lost it fighting with a shark when I got thrown overboard."

"Ouch, then how'd you lose that right eye of yours?"

"A bird crapped in it."

At that, the tavern owner laughed loudly and exlaimed how much of an idiot his friend was.

"You lost an eye to a piece of birdcrap in your eye?"

THe pirate gravely shook his head.

"It was my first day with the damned hook."

 

[devil5_advocate]

At this rate we can complie the whole list and sell it in a small book of 500 jokes...

 

[N_Quire]

What do you get if you cross a philosopher with the Godfather?


... An offer you can't understand.

 

[damgo]

American: Do you you speak German?
Frenchman: No.
American: You're welcome.

 

[Stranger]

At this rate we can complie the whole list and sell it in a small book of 500 jokes

you think they are funny enough...

 

[Cartesio]

This New Age lady was was intrigued by the question of life after death and agreed with her father that whoever died first should seek to communicate what it was like on the other side.

Naturally the father was the first to go and the day after his funeral, the daughter was awakened by the smoke alarm going off in her garage – strange because there was no smoke and no fire. Next day the alarm went off again and it finally dawned on the lady that this was her father getting in touch as promised.

Silently, she acknowledged the contact and asked the old man to stop using the smoke alarm because she had to call out the security people every time it went off.

But the alarm went off again the next day and, by now frantic, she called the local priest and explained the whole thing.

He did not think for long. Madam, he said, if the smoke alarm goes off every time your dad gets in touch, where do you think he is a calling from?

 

[devil5_advocate]

hey N_Quire, isn't your avatar that of the Benthic Behemoth from Magic: The Gathering card game?

nice to see a fellow magic player..

 

[Stranger]

Difference between men and women when getting cash from ATM Bank

Men
Drive to the bank, park, go to the cash dispenser
Insert card
Dial code and desired amount
Take the cash, the card and the slip


Women
Drive to the bank
Engine stalled
Check make-up in the mirror
Apply perfume
Manually check haircut
Park the car - failure
Park the car - failure
Park the car - success
Search for the card in the handbag
Insert card, rejected by the machine
Throw phonecard back in handbag
Look for bank card
Insert card
Look for the chit (where secret code written) in handbag
Enter code
Study instructions for 2 minutes
#Cancel#
Re-enter code
#Cancel#
Call Boyfriend/husband to get correct code
Enter huge amount
#Error#
Enter large amount
#Error#
Enter smaller amount
Cross fingers
Take cash
Go back to the car
Check make up in rear mirror
Look for keys in handbag
Start car
Drive 50 meters
STOP
Drive back to bank machine
Get out of the car
Take card and ticket back from machine
Go back to the car
Throw card on passenger seat
Throw slip on the floor
Check make up in rear mirror
Manually check haircut
Go into roundabout - wrong way
BRAKE!
Go into roundabout - right way
Drive 5 kilometers
Remove hand brake
Stop at mall
Spend money
Go back to step 1

I'm not sexist...alright...

 

[Stranger]

As the elderly man lay dying in his bed, death's agony was suddenly
> pushed aside as he smelled the aroma of his favorite homemade
> chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
>
> Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed.
> Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the
> bedroom, and with intense concentration, supported himself down the
> stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. In labored breath, he
> leaned against the door frame, gazing wide-eyed into the kitchen.
> There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were
> literally HUNDREDS of his favorite chocolate chip cookies! Was it
> heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted
> wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering
> one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing
> on his knees in a rumpled posture, one hand on the edge of the table.
>
> The aged and withered hand quiveringly made its way to a cookie
> near the edge of the table; feeling the warm soft dough actually
> made the pain of his bones subside for a moment. His parched lips
> parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth;
> seemingly bringing him back to life.
>
> What, then, was this sudden stinging that caused his hand to
> recoil? He looked to see his wife, still holding the spatula she
> had just used to smack his hand.
>
> "Stay out of those!" she said, "they're for the funeral."

 

[Les Sleeth]

Entomology

What is a fly without any wings?

A walk.

 

[Les Sleeth]

Physicist's Blues

Every Friday afternoon, a physicist goes down to the
bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat,
which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can
buy her a drink.

The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always
shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives,
and the physicist makes a particularly heart-wrenching
plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the
bartender, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions,
but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in
that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty
space?"

The physicist replies, "Well, according to quantum
physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles
come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know
when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might
suddenly appear there."

The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But
couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every
Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know --she might
say yes."

The physicist laughs. "Yeah, right -- how freaking likely
is THAT to happen?"

 

[J-Man]

You might be an Engineer...
if you have no life - and you can prove it mathematically

------

What is the difference between a physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician?

If an engineer walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it on the fire and puts it out.
If a physicist walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it eloquently around the fire and let's the fire put itself out.
If a mathematician walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he convinces himself there is a solution and leaves

------

Renee Descartes walks into a bar, the bartender says 'sir can I get you a martini 'Descartes says 'I don't think...' and he disappears

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Did you hear the one abut the moronic terrorist, they sent the moron out to blow up a car, and they burned their lips on the exhaust pipe!

 

[RageSk8]

What is brown and sticky?






























A stick.

 

[BoulderHead]

Here's another 'old fogie' one...

An old man at a retirement community center was boasting to a group of his friends about his new hearing aid; It’s the most comfortable I’ve ever owned, the batteries last much longer than they did with my old unit, but the best thing is that I can actually hear so much better now. I can hear birds chirping in the trees, faint whispers being exchanged, the honk of a horn as I’m driving, and much more.
Nearly everyone in the group he is speaking to becomes excited and wants to know more. One of them asks; What kind is it?
The man glances at his wristwatch and replies; It’s three-thirty!

 

[JamesU]

I found this on another forum: (I know this thread's old but it was on the first search page)

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator
understands their internal logic;

2. The native language
they use to communicate
with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes
are stored in long term memory
for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make
a commitment to one,
you find yourself spending
half your paycheck
on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything
with them,
you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data
but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed
to help you solve problems,
but half the time
they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one,
you realize that if you
had waited a little longer,
you could have gotten
a better model.

The women won.

 

[Superplayer]

A joke-potential & reality

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for
help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask
your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then
go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then
come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a
million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million
dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "O my god! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out.
Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

 

[Izzhov]

I was once in a heated debate with a sexist man, and he showed me a mathematical proof that women are evil which left me quite stumped:
Step one: women take time and money.
Women = Time \times Money
Step two: time is money, so women are money squared.
Time = Money,
so Women = (Money)^2
Step three: money is the root of all evil, so women are the square root of evil squared, i.e. women are evil.
Money = \sqrt{Evil},
so Women = \sqrt{Evil}^2,
or Women = Evil.
QED

 

[rootX]

Some home remedies:
http://dysan.net/weird/show/704.html

As most people here keep on getting into troubles, so this might be pretty useful :)&

http://s.mcstatic.com/Flash/vp/EmbedVideoPlayer_5.1.0.6.swf?itemID=1277415&mediaURL=http://akvideos.metacafe.com/ItemFiles/ [From%20www.metacafe.com]%201277415.6757070.11.flv&normalizedTitle=&isViral=false&isWatermarked=false&postrollContentURL=http:/