Great, I think I made a prof mad with my decision

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Discussion Overview

The discussion revolves around the emotional and ethical implications of declining a graduate school offer after receiving support from a professor. Participants explore feelings of guilt, expectations, and the dynamics of academic relationships in the context of decision-making about school choices.

Discussion Character

  • Debate/contested
  • Conceptual clarification

Main Points Raised

  • One participant expresses concern about making an enemy by declining an offer, noting the professor's apparent upset.
  • Another participant reassures that explaining the reasons for the decision was appropriate and questions why the professor would be upset.
  • A participant suggests that if the original poster did not lead the professor to believe they would attend, then they are not at fault.
  • Concerns are raised about the resources professors allocate to students, with one participant suggesting that the original poster may owe the professor for the support received.
  • Another participant challenges the idea that students should send research money to professors to mend relationships, emphasizing that such actions are not typical.
  • There is a suggestion that the original poster's careful communication during discussions should mitigate any misunderstandings regarding their commitment to the professor's lab.

Areas of Agreement / Disagreement

Participants express mixed feelings about the appropriateness of the professor's reaction and the original poster's responsibility. There is no consensus on whether the original poster should feel guilty or whether the professor's expectations were reasonable.

Contextual Notes

Participants acknowledge the competitive nature of graduate school admissions and the complexities of academic relationships, but there are no resolutions to the emotional and ethical dilemmas presented.

gravenewworld
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I declined an offer at a school, wrote an email explaining to one of the profs at the school (who was pushing REALLY hard to get me to go there) why I chose to attend another school, and can tell that he is extremely upset/mad (?). Great, I haven't even entered the field yet and I'm already making enemies! :eek:
 
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You were nice enough to explain the reasons for your choice, so try and stop worrying, you did all you could. Personally, I find it extremely weird he'd be upset by this*, and you shouldn't let other people's whims bother you that much. Having said that, it would probably bother me, as well, but just from a rational perspective, you did nothing wrong*.

* unless you led him to believe you would be attending "his" school, later changed your mind, and did both of those things in a disrespectful manner
 
gravenewworld said:
I declined an offer at a school, wrote an email explaining to one of the profs at the school (who was pushing REALLY hard to get me to go there) why I chose to attend another school, and can tell that he is extremely upset/mad (?). Great, I haven't even entered the field yet and I'm already making enemies! :eek:

Sounds like a compliment to me.
 
Ryker said:
You were nice enough to explain the reasons for your choice, so try and stop worrying, you did all you could. Personally, I find it extremely weird he'd be upset by this*, and you shouldn't let other people's whims bother you that much. Having said that, it would probably bother me, as well, but just from a rational perspective, you did nothing wrong*.

* unless you led him to believe you would be attending "his" school, later changed your mind, and did both of those things in a disrespectful manner

I don't think I led him at all to make him believe that I was dead set on attending "his" school. We talked over the phone and I tried to be as careful as possible while talking about his research and lab and made sure I used phrases such as "If I WERE to attend" and "If I WERE to join your lab". I know he really wanted me to join his lab and stuck his neck out for me, which I'm sure is how I got a fellowship, bonus money for moving, and a summer research scholarship, but I don't feel like I owe anyone my life.
 
You don't owe him your life, no. But if I read your note correctly it seems you may owe him a fellowship, bonus money for moving, and a summer research scholarship. Professors have very finite resources. If I were him and you treated me like a Pell grant I'd be mad too. To mend this fence you'll need to send some research money his way some time down the road.
 
Antiphon said:
You don't owe him your life, no. But if I read your note correctly it seems you may owe him a fellowship, bonus money for moving, and a summer research scholarship. Professors have very finite resources. If I were him and you treated me like a Pell grant I'd be mad too. To mend this fence you'll need to send some research money his way some time down the road.

What? Students don't send anyone research money. And no one sends anyone research money because they hurt the other person's feelings.
 
RandomGuy88 said:
What? Students don't send anyone research money. And no one sends anyone research money because they hurt the other person's feelings.
Antiphon is kidding. I hope.
 
gravenewworld said:
I don't think I led him at all to make him believe that I was dead set on attending "his" school. We talked over the phone and I tried to be as careful as possible while talking about his research and lab and made sure I used phrases such as "If I WERE to attend" and "If I WERE to join your lab". I know he really wanted me to join his lab and stuck his neck out for me, which I'm sure is how I got a fellowship, bonus money for moving, and a summer research scholarship, but I don't feel like I owe anyone my life.

It sounds like he was able to line up a lot of things for you! However, you sound like you definitely made sure he knew you were still deciding. He should know better. I suspect you probably aren't in a good position if you ever want to go back to him. I can't imagine someone with the capabilities of lining up stuff like that is unaware of the competitive nature of graduate school admissions on both ends.
 

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